So, I went to see Peter Jackson's
new rendition of the classic King Kong
today....
DAMN YOU, PETER
JACKSON!
The Plot:
*WARNING The following may contain spoilers for all
those losers who have somehow never seen a King Kong
film* Our story begins with Anne, a struggling comedy
actress living in Depression Era New York. Somehow she
manages to be the single most expensively dressed person
in the movie despite not having enough money to eat. I
have to admit that the choice to not modernize the movie
by setting it in current times was a good one, but the
inconsistencies with the time frame
show.
For example, a completely untrained
teenage boy manages to fire off sure fire shots at a
flailing mass of creatures on a man without hitting
him...he does this with a Depression Era machine gun.
Moving on. Anne's show is shut down
and on her way to a strip show, she meets up with
Carl, played by Jack Black, who needs a new leading
actress for his film. He bails her out of a little
trouble for stealing and they are off. It is soon
revealed that Carl lies, cheats and steals his way to
the top. His actual film location is the uncharted Skull
Island and not Singapore as everyone was told. Hiring a
Captain known for bringing back exotic animals for high
payers, they avoid the law and sail to their
destination.
This is all masterfully done. The
acting is top notch, and the story is flowing nicely, if
a little slowly. Upon reaching Skull island we get to
see the single most offensive natives shown in modern
film. They are obviously portrayed as being less than
human and lay waste to the first member of Carl's crew.
To offset this the casting has one male, black lead who
seems to honestly be screaming "WE AREN'T RACIST! WE
MEAN IT!"
The problem with the whole film
arises when the actual star of it finally arrives. Kong
is over played. You can only watch him beat up dinosaurs
so much before it gets boring and after a twenty minute
fight scene, that features Anne doing at least six
double take shots of various "monsters" behind her, you
really stop to care. Kong spends the rest of the movie
either rampaging and crushing bystanders (but not women)
or "Emoing" out in depression.
Anne basically plays "White Bitch in
peril" CONSTANTLY until you are begging for her to show
some other emotion. ANY emotion. She does however grant
Kong an appreciation for physical comedy with stage
antics (I had no idea you could tame a gorilla by
juggling rocks). The rest of the time we are treated to
Anne being narrowingly rescued from the jaws of death
time and time again. Whether it's being crushed, maimed,
eaten or torn apart by Kong himself who is
obviously on steroids (No Genitalia, and big hulking
muscles? You do the math), Anne seems to possess amazing
luck and the ability to ignore the laws of physics by
not getting whiplash (or dying).
Also, once in New York Kong
gets to ice skate. You heard me. He ice skates. Speaking
of the climax, they have by now spent so much time on
the other scenes, there is basically none left so
everything comes off rushed and unexplained. Nevermind,
the fact that somehow with only half a crew, they
managed to load Kong on a boat half his size and
get it back to New York.
To top it all off, Anne shows that
she has completely abandoned her love (Jack, the writer
of the move and a play she likes, who wasn't even worth
mentioning until now) for Kong. As our favorite monkey
pal scales the Empire State Building, he places her in
safety from the airplane attacks....which she promptly
ignore and climbs the convenient ladder after him. This
of course leads to Kong being forced to save her from
falling, at which point she still climbs after him
again.
Kong eventually falls victim to the
planes (He should have thrown barrels at them...oh,
wrong Kong) as Anne's useless boyfriend arrives to
stand around and stare at nothing. Kong manages to fall
without crushing a single one of the people who were
crowded around the building. Carl makes the scene just
in time to utter the one line that is most hated from
the second King Kong film "No, it wasn't the planes. It
was Beauty killed the Beast." End.
Sound:
The sound is mostly great, though it is odd that
sometimes Kong sounds light as a feather as he
moves through the streets. The canned screams of
death get pretty old as Kong and various monsters
constantly crush men in droves.
Picture Quality and CGI: It looked
pretty, but there was an odd CGI sequence of an
islander man pole vaulting to the ship through
incredibly stormy waters somehow.
Overall: Don't bother unless you
want to rent it. Five bucks was too much for this film
that went on about an hour longer than it needed to. If
I wanted to see a big gorilla fight dinosaurs all night,
I'd play Primal Rage. 2 stars
Cameron Burge is TWF's
resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw
Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night.
That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to
be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any
and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
science. (which makes his current day to day life
quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
REVIEW: