REVIEW:
Peter Jackson's KING KONG
By Cameron Burge
So, I went to see Peter Jackson's new rendition of the classic King Kong
today....
DAMN YOU, PETER JACKSON!
The Plot: *WARNING The following may contain spoilers for all those losers
who have somehow never seen a King Kong film* Our story begins with Anne, a struggling comedy actress living in Depression
Era New York. Somehow she manages to be the single most expensively dressed person in the movie despite not having enough
money to eat. I have to admit that the choice to not modernize the movie by setting it in current times was a good one, but
the inconsistencies with the time frame show.
For example, a completely untrained teenage boy manages to fire off sure
fire shots at a flailing mass of creatures on a man without hitting him...he does this with a Depression Era machine gun.
Moving on. Anne's show is shut down and on her way to a strip show, she meets
up with Carl, played by Jack Black, who needs a new leading actress for his film. He bails her out of a little trouble
for stealing and they are off. It is soon revealed that Carl lies, cheats and steals his way to the top. His actual film location
is the uncharted Skull Island and not Singapore as everyone was told. Hiring a Captain known for bringing back exotic animals
for high payers, they avoid the law and sail to their destination.
This is all masterfully done. The acting is top notch, and the story is flowing
nicely, if a little slowly. Upon reaching Skull island we get to see the single most offensive natives shown in modern film.
They are obviously portrayed as being less than human and lay waste to the first member of Carl's crew. To offset this the
casting has one male, black lead who seems to honestly be screaming "WE AREN'T RACIST! WE MEAN IT!"
The problem with the whole film arises when the actual star of it finally
arrives. Kong is over played. You can only watch him beat up dinosaurs so much before it gets boring and after a twenty minute
fight scene, that features Anne doing at least six double take shots of various "monsters" behind her, you really stop to
care. Kong spends the rest of the movie either rampaging and crushing bystanders (but not women) or "Emoing" out in depression.
Anne basically plays "White Bitch in peril" CONSTANTLY until you are begging
for her to show some other emotion. ANY emotion. She does however grant Kong an appreciation for physical comedy with stage
antics (I had no idea you could tame a gorilla by juggling rocks). The rest of the time we are treated to Anne being narrowingly
rescued from the jaws of death time and time again. Whether it's being crushed, maimed, eaten or torn apart by Kong
himself who is obviously on steroids (No Genitalia, and big hulking muscles? You do the math), Anne seems to possess amazing
luck and the ability to ignore the laws of physics by not getting whiplash (or dying).
Also, once in New York Kong gets to ice skate. You heard me. He ice
skates. Speaking of the climax, they have by now spent so much time on the other scenes, there is basically none left so everything
comes off rushed and unexplained. Nevermind, the fact that somehow with only half a crew, they managed to load Kong on
a boat half his size and get it back to New York.
To top it all off, Anne shows that she has completely abandoned her love
(Jack, the writer of the move and a play she likes, who wasn't even worth mentioning until now) for Kong. As our favorite
monkey pal scales the Empire State Building, he places her in safety from the airplane attacks....which she promptly ignore
and climbs the convenient ladder after him. This of course leads to Kong being forced to save her from falling, at which point
she still climbs after him again.
Kong eventually falls victim to the planes (He should have thrown barrels
at them...oh, wrong Kong) as Anne's useless boyfriend arrives to stand around and stare at nothing. Kong manages to fall
without crushing a single one of the people who were crowded around the building. Carl makes the scene just in time to utter
the one line that is most hated from the second King Kong film "No, it wasn't the planes. It was Beauty killed the Beast."
End.
Sound: The sound is mostly great, though it is odd that sometimes Kong
sounds light as a feather as he moves through the streets. The canned screams of death get pretty old as Kong and various
monsters constantly crush men in droves.
Picture Quality and CGI: It looked pretty, but there was an odd CGI sequence
of an islander man pole vaulting to the ship through incredibly stormy waters somehow.
Overall: Don't bother unless you want to rent it. Five bucks was too much
for this film that went on about an hour longer than it needed to. If I wanted to see a big gorilla fight dinosaurs all night,
I'd play Primal Rage. 2 stars
