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Hello there, fat internet wrestling fans,
and welcome to another fun-packed* issue of The Hoss
Whisperer. Despite last weeks debacle, I have elected to
continue with my quest to give the WWE a much needed
Makeover. So enough fooling around, lets get to the
comedy.
*Exact amount of fun may
vary.
EXTREME MAKEOVER: WWE
Episode 2:
Triple
H.
There are many personalities in the
world of professional wrestling who come under-fire from
the obese, sweaty organism known was the Internet
Wrestling Community. But none more so than the one known
as Paul Levesque, who according to the IWC is pretty
much the cause of everything that's ever gone wrong in
the history of everything. This certainly, was an aspect
of the industry that I needed to take a look
into.
But who do you turn to when you want to
start investigating this crazy business? Well I decided
to follow in the footsteps of the American media after
the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED incident and ask Marc Mero.
Because if anyone can give us an insight into how
wrestling works today, it's him.
BB: Mr. Mero, as
an authority on the wrestling business, why do you think
Triple H gets so many chances in the WWE? Is there some
sort of connection with himself and the McMahon
family?
MERO: A connection with the McMahon family?
Don't be ridiculous, you don't just hook up with the
boss's daughter and get chances in the wrestling
industry. Oh no, it's clear to me what's going on here.
Steroids.
BB: Steroids?
MERO: Yes sir, Triple H gets so
many chances because he, like literally billions of
other professional wrestlers, spends 97% of his
professional life purchasing or consuming anabolic
steroids.
BB: That...doesn't make sense. How could
steroids affect the opportunities he's given?
MERO: I
could name you right now off the top of my head, the
names of at least 72 wrestlers who have died in the past
month because of steroid abuse. We must regulate the
industry more strictly, or some of the more sinister
side affects of steroids will manifest. For example,
murder.
BB: You really don't have a clue what you're
talking about, do you?
MERO: IT WAS THE STEROIDS I
TELL YOU, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, HIDING BEHIND BUSHES,
ALWAYS WATCHING ME!
BB: Go home, Marc.
It
seems Marc Mero isn't quite as much of an authority on
the goings on in the wrestling business as national
journalist think. Who would've thought. I decided to ask
another one of the expects contacted by the media in the
wake of the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED murders, the much more
reliable Lance Storm.
BB: Mr. Storm, why do you
think Triple H recieves such amazing opportunities in
the WWE?
LANCE STORM: Well it's obviously
****************
Sorry, I don't know what he said
after that cos I fell asleep. Son of a bitch was just
too fucking boring.
OK so I couldn't get any
sense out of the people who know wrestling well, I
thought I'd ask a member of the IWC that hate Triple H
so much, TWF's own Joe Merrick.
BB: Mr. Merrick,
what is the deal with all the anti-Triple H feeling on
the internet?
MERRICK: Yeah, he's hated more than
like.. a nigger! HAHAH get it, racism!
BB:
Yeah...heh...
MERRICK: He's like as popular as muslim
in somewhere where muslims have recently committed
terrorists crimes cos muslims are terrorists!
HAHAHA!
BB: That's...kind of offensive...
MERRICK:
Rape.
BB: What?
MERRICK: Rape is funny. Get
it?
BB: No....
MERRICK: LOSER! [runs off] [I say
run, more of an awkward shuffle]
Not a very
useful source, to say the least. It seems I'm never
going to know exactly what the
source
HORNSWOGGLE: It's because he's married to
the Stephanie McMahon and people feel he exploits his
connections to Vince to get so many amazing
chances.
Oh wow, there it is. Now how the fuck
did you get out of the bag?
HORNSWOGGLE: Please
let me go, I have a family!
BB: Fuck you! I'm not
running a fucking charity here, you small bastard, now
get back in the bag so I can cross you off my list of
things I've fixed. Good boy.
Well that's all for this time,
check out my next Extreme Makeover where I'll
be...doing..something. I don't know, I just make this
shit up as I go along.
Send feedback to British
Bullfrog
There's very little to say
about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender
officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably
already been said by one of the three regular readers of
his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really
worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the
awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but
his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a
Prozac to take away the pain.
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