Coming soon! The
Hogans are just your average All-American family.
Only with the inherent ability to absorb heavy
punishment and pick up extremely heavy objects...
From the people who brought
you The Osbournes, comes Hogan Knows Best! A real
look at the day to day life, and pitfalls of the
world’s most famous professional wrestler,
and his family. Hogan Knows Best looks at the
Hogans home life, from the perspective of the
stark raving Hulkster himself; from his nagging
wife, Linda, badgering The Hulkster to do more
around the house:
Linda: "
If you can bodyslam a 700
pound Giant, surely
you cantake
the garbageout!"
Hulk: "Get off my barn door back,
Linda!"
From there, enter his two
teenage children, Brooke, 16; who the
overprotective Hulk refuses to let date, mostly
due to her natural biological inclination to rip
her shirt off; all the way to Nasty Nick,14, who
despite his best intentions, possesses an all too
trusting nature that leads to many of his friends
inexplicably turning on him…
Each week, we’ll get a window
into the life of the Hulkster, as he deals with a
slew of everyday problems, from paying his bills,
to slamming morbidly obese people. This summer, be
sure to tune into the ONLY reality programming
that matters, Hogan Knows Best!
Episode 1: “Brooke of
Love”- Part 1: Brooke's date with pop star
boyfriend Aaron Carter goes awry when the young
man gets too frisky, causing the Hulkster to go
berserk.
 What we can expect:
After what is seemingly a wholesome
evening, the two lovebirds exchange an
extremely awkward handshake, as a strange voice is
heard yelling out: “The Madness meets the Mania!”
From there, Aaron decides to go for second base,
attempting to grope Brooke, who in turn blocks the
three consecutive advances, then punches Aaron
several times, before having him run face
first into her foot and dropping the leg. Hulk,
who was listening from the bushes (hand no doubt
cupped to ear) hears of Aaron’s randiness (not
Savage) and goes insane, chasing after Aaron’s
speeding Porsche and leaping onto the hood! Aaron
is then unfortunately caught, bodyslammed, and
killed.
Episode 2: Brooke of Love Part
2: Distraught over the fact that her
boyfriend Aaron was destroyed by the incredibly
stiff offense of the Hulkster; she is
unfortunately now left without a prom date as the
big day approaches. And if this isn’t bad enough,
she wakes up the morning of the big event with a
giant semi-circle of scalp where her long blond
locks used to be! Hulk then gently explains to her
that male pattern baldness is nothing to be
ashamed of. Ultimately, Hulk arranges for Nasty
Boy Brian Knobbs to be her date that evening, and
hilarity ensues as he rubs Brooke’s face into his
ample armpit while attempting to attach her
corsage.
Episode 3- Hulk’s Giant
Cock!: Hulk's pet rooster downs anabolic
steroids, transforming it into an unrelenting
monster, and terrifying the quaint Florida
neighborhood.
What we can expect: Tragedy
strikes when The Hogan family’s beloved pet
rooster devours a cocktail of Hulkster-sized
anabolics, causing the now 8 foot cock to become
as radio-active as the Hulkster himself!
After Hulk
pleads with the monstrous chicken to come to its
senses, Hulk unfortunately makes the hard
choice to take him down after the rooster tears
off Hulk’s shirt and crucifix in the ultimate act
of betrayal! One scoop slam and leg droppage
later, all is right with the family again, as they
cope with the loss by enjoying a nice chicken
dinner (for the next 400 consecutive days.).
Episode 4: In Hulk We
Trust: An exasperated
President Bush turns the reigns of Presidency over
to The Hulkster, who in turn ends the war in the
gulf by airing his match with Sgt. Slaughter, as
terrified Iraqi’s immediately surrender, praying
to Allah that they too don’t suffer a similar
fate.
What we can expect: Hulk,
shocks the country by painting the white house
“red and yellow” before explaining his
controversial actions in a press conference. Hogan
is also grilled on the tough issues, including
abortion, social security, and even euthanasia,
confusing the crowd with his explanation of the
latter topic: "Why should
I limit myself to just the youths in Asia, man?
Hulkamania knows no bounds, dude! The Little
Hulksters are EVERYWHERE, man!"
 Episode
5: Red & Yellow Versus Red & Evil:
Nasty Nick unwittingly opens a Hellgate in the
Hogans backyard, forcing The Hulkster to journey
to the underbelly of Hell and face all the forces
of darkness and despair!
What we can expect:Nasty Nick
curiously plays the song "I want to be a
Hulkamaniac" backwards, which unfortunately opens
an inter-dimensional portal, and starts an unholy
war between Hell and Earth! Hulk eventually takes
matters into his own hands, journeying into the
pits of Hell itself and dispatching Satan with the
unstoppable Hulk Hogan offense! (Special cameo by
our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who poses with
Hulk after the battle of
Armageddon)
Rumored
Future Episodes:
Hulk battles the Tsunami:
Hogan is brought into deal with the Tsunami
disaster based on his uncanny past successes
against natural disasters (Earthquake &
Typhoon respectively.) After much struggle, (and
after prophesying it at Wrestlemania 4) Hulk
carries many victims to safety aboard his “barn
door back.”
 Hell in a Blood Cell:
After years of injecting himself with God knows
what, it’s Hulk himself who gets injected into the
body of a cancer patient after being shrunk down
to microscopic proportions, in an attempt to
annihilate the bad cells from the inside out, and
destroy the disease
forever.
It’s a race against the clock,
as the Hogans begin to panic at the prospect of
the Hulkster returning to full size and in essence
blowing up the patient (much like the Hulk himself
after the 20 minute mark.)Ultimately though,
the AWESOME power of
HULKAMANIA…and additional chemo…. get the job
done!
Check you local listings and
stay tuned to VH1 for more HOGAN KNOWS
BEST!
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS. |
