They broke
the mold after they made Triple H. Although, some
would argue that they broke it while. But hey,
whatever. Truth is,
no matter what you think of Hunter, you cannot
deny that he's accomplished almost every goal he's
ever set for himself.
He became a
world class bodybuilder.
He rose
through the ranks of professional wrestling--
perhaps becoming the greatest Heel in WWF history.
He made
love to a hermaphrodite for 3 years then sloppily
passed it off to his friend Sean Waltman
when no one was looking.(BRONCO-BUSTED!).
He married
the boss’s daughter. A feat that not only
guaranteed himself an unending push so long as he
stays faithful and keeps his “game” in Stephanie’s
“box”; but let’s face it, probably some sweet
Christmas gifts, too. Presents shaped like
Championship belts. And not just on
Xmas. Lucky bastard. (except for that whole
transgender dating thing. Come on, dude).
However, now, only one
goal stands is Triple H’s way. And that is
creating an HHHeir to Vince’s throne (despite what
poor Shane McMahon’s children might think). You
see, despite his mentor Ric Flair obviously
knowing the secret to ever lasting life, Hunter
knew that one day he himself would leave this
mortal coil, as the awesome power of the Pedigree
can only hold off the Reaper for so long. And with
that said, Hunter required a
suitable replacement, created in his own
image, so that his legacy will live on forever.
(or until Titan shareholders smarten up.
Either/or).
It is said that creating this
H 2.0 has became a personal obsession for the
Game, and in attempting to accomplish this goal,
HHH spent millions on a state of the art cloning
facility, capable of churning out literally dozens
of identical musclemen at a time. They called it
“OVW”. Ultimately, though, despite the fact that
physically, they resembled the 6’5” muscle bound
prototype, they sadly lacked a soul….or Charisma
to you and me. And despite the fact that each
clone possessed an uncanny version of the spine
buster, the lack of any and all human
personality madethe
experiment afailure.
But all was not lost! There
was ANOTHER way. Instead of devising
clever ways to clone himself with complicated
DNA manipulation and in turn cost the company
potential millions, he could simply HAVE SEX WITH
HIS WIFE…and as a result save the shareholder’s
hard earned money for proven financial successes
like RAW Diva Search 3 and a renegotiated Mark
Henry contract. It really was that simple. And I’m
sure many of you are asking “Why couldn’t he have just
impregnated Stephanie all along, instead of
bending God’s laws to create an unholy spawn of
himself from his muddled DNA?" The answer is
simple. Triple H was unaware that he could even
have children. After all, he had made love to
Chyna for YEARS…and all without protection (Well,
Billy Gunn & Road Dogg were always on hand to
watch HHH’s back, but you get the idea) and not
once did Chyna EVER even show any signs of being
with child. Triple H always blamed himself, and
not the obvious fact that Chyna possessed no
discernable Female organs. But hey, live and
learn, right? Rome WWE was not built destroyed in one day
after all.
In any event, news had
finally came down the wire. HHH’s boys could swim!
He was going to be a Daddy! Many were happy for
the young couple, while other’s chose to brush up
on their Revelations, and keep an eye out for the
moon turning red, and the Ocean’s to blood. "The Guff is full! It really
is the end!" they were heard yelling. But I
don’t fall into that category. I truly wish the
couple well. And while I’d laugh if Steph
ultimately gave birth to a hand (that no doubt
could probably pen better storylines) or Dr.
Heiney was on hand to pull JR’s head from her
love hole, I truly wish the expecting parents the
best.
But wait. There’s more. I
know that Steph has only been preggers for a
month, and to speculate on her full term would be
unprofessional, but hey, this is The
Wrestlingfan.com! We have no credibility. So
there.
So, with that in mind, I’m
going to channel my inner Nostradamus and
speculate on a few aspects of this pregnancy in
the *ahem* tasteful
manner in which you’re accustomed too.
COPULATION!
All is dark. Not a sound can
be heard (bar a faint murmur that sounds like “Get
off me Hunter, I need a sandwich!"). When all of
sudden, millions of angry handle-bar mustachioed
sperm are released in unison. They swim fast and
ferocious, and luckily, thanks to *certain*
foreign hormones in his body, the trip is a lot
shorter than expected. BOOM. Suddenly, the many
H’s find themselves in a huge cavernous room.
Their ultimate goal now is to get to that egg and
by gawd, fertilize it… and if possible, bury a few
pesky defensive blood cells along the way; because
after all, they’re HHH’s sperm, damn it! Even
protectors against foreign antibodies can’t be
allowed to get over on his watch!
However, before they can
proceed, they hear something startling in the
distance….
“Wooooooooooo!”
Just then, Ric Flair’s sperm
approaches, only stopping briefly to quickly slick
back his gelatinous hair, and to give off another
“Wooooooooooooo!”
HHH’s sperm: “Naitch’s sperm, what the
hell are you doing in my wife?”
Ric Flair sperm: “Woo! I follow you
everywhere, champ! So why not the birth canal
too?! Wooooooooooooooo!”
-Before HHH sperm can
respond, he sees HBK’s sperm, on its knees giving
thanks to its maker (the testicles).
HBK sperm: “Hey, I know what you’re
thinking! But it was just one time, Hunter. We
both got into the communion wine, and one thing
lead to another”….
-At this point, a quick below
of “You think you know
me?” is heard.
Edge's sperm:"It's me! Mr. Money in the
Bank!.... The SPERM Bank!" (uncomfortable silence
follows).
HHH sperm: “OK. This, I expected.”
-Edge’s sperm’s enthusiasm
dies out quickly at that, and just lowers its head
in shame.
HHH sperm: “Ok, who else is in here?”
*a chord of “No Chance” is heard…
HHH sperm: “Dear Lord! Dad! Why?”
Vince sperm: “My money paid for her body
damn it. I’d be doing my pocket book an injustice
if I didn’t at least take it for a test drive.”
-Just then, a guitar
wale is heard. A sperm slowly swims up, complete
with sunglasses.
Bret sperm: “Everybody inside this vulva
screwed me!... so I returned the favor! Besides,
Bret likes ‘em a little bulky. Did I mention I’m a
hero in Canada?”
HHH sperm: “ENOUGH! There’s only room
for ten million of us in here. Something has to
give!”
At this point, a full on
vaginal Royal Rumble breaks out! Last sperm
standing! (swimming?). HHH sperm
ultimately triumphs, and fertilizes the egg due to
having taped a sledgehammer to one of Stephanie’s
ovaries the last time he had visited. The Cerebral Seminal Assassin strikes
again!
End result!: PREGGERS! And
all it took was Triple H lying on his back for
more than two seconds. (Something unheard of
months ago).
THE TERM!
By now, we’ve all heard the
rumors that HHH has purchased a deluxe bus for him
and the mother to be to ride around in from town
to town in comfort. (after all, without Steph on
hand, a good idea might slip out in Creative, and
who’d be there to quash it?). What you DID NOT
hear however is that the bus in question has a WWE
HISTORY. You see, the bus in question is in fact
the LEX EXPRESS! The very same vehicle used by Lex
Luger in an attempt to woo all our hearts by body
slamming morbidly obese Samoans across the nation.
Lex was said to give Hunter a good price on the
bus, and as a result, is now only a few thousand
dollars away from springing bail. Go Lex!
In any event, to get the
re-dubbed "Steph Express" in proper working order,
HHH had to make a few modifications, not limited
to the bus’s phone, which strangely possessed no
way of dialing “911”. Oh that Luger.
As the months passed,
Stephanie noticed that her already seemingly
gravity defying breasts were growing to epic
proportions. And while this pleased Vince greatly,
it became somewhat of a burden to Stephanie. As a
result, both Christie Hemme and Dawn Marie were
briefly brought back to support the cumbersome
melons on their backs, to allow Steph mobility.
And when this didn’t work, (and after both women
were re-fired), Hunter & Vince had another
idea: WWE DAIRY! With this, Vince added to his
already huge profits (including the now 365
pay-per-views that year) by buying out Nielsen’s,
and directly tapping Stephanie as a dairy source!
Soon, dozens of trucks would be pulling out of
Stamford daily, filled to the brim; and as a
result, Stephanie became the largest exporter of
milk in the country. On a related note, Kurt Angle
was said to spend a considerable amount of time at
the Helmsley household.
The Birth!
The big day was finally here!
Hunter was pacing in the waiting room, along with
the entire WWE midcard, who were there to lay down
three seconds each for Hunter Jr. as a good will
gesture. (All but Gene Snitsky who was released
months before for obvious reasons…).
The Doctor then calls Hunter
into the delivery room. Ric Flair follows closely
behind, as does Vince.
All in all, it’s a difficult
delivery. At one point, Hunter is reprimanded by
the doctors for wearing just trunks and boots in
the normally sterile hospital room. Vince
then begins giving play by play every time a
contraction takes place; “What a maneuver!” he
yells. From there, Flair, getting increasingly
hyper starts going berserk, dropping elbows on the
forceps, and at the sign of Hunter Jr’s crowning
head, bellowed out : “Now
we go to school!”. It’s at this point, that
Hunter calls Lemmy and Motorhead into the delivery
room, and they are ordered to play a live version
of “The Game” as baby Hunter is pulled from the
womb! As a cry is heard, HHH excitedly grabs the
first bottle he sees, and takes a slug off it, and
proceeds to spray it into the air. Unfortunately
though, it turns out it was epidural anesthesia
and Hunter soon hits the floor paralyzed.
He is eventually awoken
to Stephanie holding a strangely misshapen object.
Stephanie: “He’s the spitting image of
his father!”
Just then the doctor spoke up
and said, “Mrs. Levesque, that’s the
Afterbirth. Here’s your actual son”.
Regardless, the couple was
elated. They now had a healthy baby boy with
little to no complications (there was a brief
scare that Stephanie would require a cesarean,
when the sledgehammer and 10 pound belt the fetus
was wearing got caught on the way out). All was
right with the world!
HHH was the happiest man on
Earth. So much so, that he ran out to the waiting
room, and informed the midcard of his bundle of
joy, before giving them a pass on jobbing to the
newborn infant. A collective sigh of relief was
heard, before Hunter stated “But don’t worry guys. You
didn’t come here for nothing. I’ll be out to pin
you all after I check on my son!” The boys
just hung their heads.
With that said, Hunter peered
through the glass window as Hunter Jr. lay snug in
his crib with the other children. Hunter got a
smile on his face, as his newborn son had the
resolve to turn over on his own accord and cover a
neighboring child for a symbolic three count.
“That’s my
boy!” Hunter cried out.
The Aftermath!
As much as Hunter would love
to be a “stay-at-home-dad”, those elusive 17 World
Titles just don’t win themselves!... so the
responsibility of helping raise the prodigal son
falls to many in the locker room. Ric Flair is
first on tap, who was said to gleefully be looking
forward to kissing a new generation of ass (and in
turn powdering it, to prevent diaper chafing). And
who better than Ric to fetch a bottle?... after
all, he had done the same for Arn Anderson for
YEARS. (Of course, that was
usually Thunderbird, but you get the idea).
Anyway, all was
well for a while, but eventually Flair was removed
as chief babysitter, when during a routine diaper
change, he grabbed the toddler’s leg and began
going into his insane jig, before attempting to
wrap the youngster’s pudgy legs into a figure
four. Next up was former Evolution member,
Batista, who lasted all of one day when a
piggy back ride went awry, after Dave
instinctually dropped
backwards.
With everyone faltering at
the task of young Hunter’s care, Triple H now had
no choice but to have a special baby harness made
so he could continue to wrestle. And as a result,
Hunter Sr. & Jr. respectfully, were declared
the first co-WWE Champion’s ever when they
defeated John Cena at Wrestle Mania 23. Hey, you
couldn’t make this stuff up!
Well, that’s that. Clearly,
there are so many great memories for the Helmsleys
to look forward to. And no doubt WWE cameras will
be right there to catch them all. From Hunter Jr’s
first childhood girlfriend (likely introduced to
him by Jerry Lawler), to his eventual Student
council Presidency (rumored to be on the account
of dating the Principal’s daughter) to his at
least 17 inherited World Titles; it should be an
interesting journey. And one day, HE in turn will
procreate and so the cycle will continue. So,
here’s to RVD’s frozen Futurama-like head putting
over “Hunter Vince McMahon Lévesque” at
Wrestlemania 96! (with Ric Flair of course in
his corner).
'Til then.
Happy Birthing!
