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Although Hulk Hogan has spent
the better part of a quarter century in the
limelight as arguably the most well known
professional wrestler ever, little was actually
known about the 6 time WWE champion himself, other
than his aforementioned exploits in the squared
circle. Well, that was until recently that is. You
see, fans of the Hulkster now had the answers they
craved direct from the horse's mouth so to
speak, when Hogan released his much
ballyhooed autobiography.
Although this pleased a legion
of Hulkamaniacs the World over, there was still
nay-sayers who criticized the literary work, even
accusing Hulk of fabricating certain events and
facts in an effort , they say, to glorify himself
and place his historical impact in a better light.
What was
notknown about the book
( except by a select group of scholars and
scientists) is that the novel was purposely
incomplete. You see, much like the New Testament,
certain "gospels" in the book of Hogan were
removed to present a story the way the Editor, in
this case, wanted it told. Only recently were
these "lost chapters" discovered, and according to
these scholars, the information contained in
these documents place Hulk Hogan, as we know him,
in a surprising
new light.
After spending the better part
of a year and a half meticulously studying the
text and mutually agreeing on their validity,
these same scholars have recently released
several chapters of the Hulk Hogan tale to the
masses (although certain parties are said to
down-play its written significance) and the
conclusion that these"experts" have come to, is
that Hulk Hogan as we know him today is a far more
complex creature than ever thought. Tests, coupled
with recent carbon dating of a shredded Hogan
T-shirt said to contain a significant amount of
Hogan's DNA, have allegedly revealed The Hulkster
to be somewhere in the vicinity of one million
years of age! < /font>
While this revelation boggles
the mind, the sceptics, no doubt, would state
that no HUMAN BEING could advance to such a
substantial age. However, the explanation being
given is that Hogan for lack of a better term, is
hardly a "Man", but rather an entity that at
least at this point, is all but unexplainable to
our fragile human psyches.
The Irony as it turns out
, is that when Vince McMahon proclaimed Hulk Hogan
to be "Immortal" in 1990, he
didn't know just how close to the actual
truth he was.!
It has also been leaked that
certain deciphered text in the vaunted Dead Sea
scrolls are said to speak of certain events that
seem to correspond with the writing in Hogan's
books and it is this combined with the scientific
and genetic test results, that these experts have
deemed the following to be factually accurate:
The following is
several excerpts from the lost Gospel of
Hulkamania:
In the
Beginning....
In the beginning, God created the
heavens and Earth. On the 6th day God created MAN.
Although he was no ordinary
man. Although said to be made in God's
image, the first man was created seemingly out of
granite, and in all likelihood, his arms were
the largest in the World (although at this point,
there was only ONE man in the World). This
"Hulking" brute also possessed what is said to be
flowing Blond locks. History has given him the
name "Adam" , but it is said that The Lord himself
called him by the name "Terry", as a general term
of affection.
Terry was said to love all
living things and marveled at what was all around
him, being particularly infatuated with the sun,
for which he spent countless hours staring at.
Terry was soon completely consumed by this
activity and was both shocked and pleased when he
skin began to change in tone, going from a subtle
white to a bright orange. This pleased Terry
greatly.
Soon Terry grew lonely, and
asked God for a mate. God said he had someone in
mind for Terry and in anticipation, he bellowed to
God: "Whatcha gonna do,
Brother.?!"
God then removed one of
Hogan's ribs and created "woman" from it. It is
said that the rib was never replaced, leaving
Hogan somewhat vulnerable and susceptible to
attack in later years (King Kong Bundy would be
the first to capitalize on this "achilles
heel").
Terry who by this point was
referring to himself as "Hulk", was said to be
pleased with his mate, who historians have labeled
with the name "Eve". The two were seemingly
inseparable. It was soon after that the couple was
said to be tempted by a serpent (although in later
years he would take human form as a 5'8" Bostonian
and answer to the name "Kevin"). The Bible has
painted a picture of "Adam" (Terry) and Eve
succumbing to the serpent's urgings and eating
from the tree of knowledge (or as the serpent
described: "Tree of Woe"). In reality this was but
a parable, and upon temptation, Terry balked
at the serpent and proceeded to thrash the beast,
citing that "There's only room for one 24 inch
Python around here, brother!" But, instead
of discarding the beast's corpse altogether,
he soon began wearing it as a garment around
his neck, coining the term
"Boa".
God then asked why Terry had
killed when he had distinctly told
him : "No way, dude". Terry seemed
defiant, and claimed that Hulkamania, not the
Lord, was "the most powerful force in the
universe". God was saddened by Terry's
arrogance and subsequently booted "Hulk" and his
bride from the Garden of Eden, citing that he
couldn't in good concience just let "Hulkamania"
run wild.
Hulk was thrust into the
World, and he soon became aware of his nakedness
and covered his "shame" in a bright yellow loin
cloth. Also as a symbol of God's anger, The Lord
stripped Hulk of his flowing locks taking 2/3 of
his mane as a symbol of his disappointment, and
leaving Terry's sizeable noggin bare of it's once
flowing pelt.
It is at this
point that the Bible and Hulk seem to part ways
temporarily. Hogan would later make several
unknown cameos , said to be also axed from the Old
Testament. The most significant being the
story of Moses. Moses and Terry were said to be
rivals, and after one night that saw Moses being
beaten by three men, Moses' bride ran into the
camp and pulled The Hulkster from his slumber and
begged for his help. As things seemed most bleak
for Moses, Hulk exploded and evened the score. The
old rivals cleaned house and then looked to come
to blows with one another, however, the two
briefly paused, looked around, then reluctantly
shook hands, forming a Powerful force of "Mega"
proportions.
As Moses led the Jews from
Egypt, Hulk was in tow, helping many bewildered
people cross the parted Red Sea by carrying the
lot on what they described as "his barn-door
back".
After wandering the desert for
an excessive amount of time, Moses finally
ascended Mount Sinai for word from God and to
receive his Law. Hogan with nothing better to do,
soon followed suit. Hogan eventually grew
restless, and instead of waiting for God, he
decided to fashion his own tablets and proceeded
to come back down the mountain, preaching to the
people of the "4 Commandments" The people stood in
awe as Hulk stated the commandments of Training,
saying your prayers and taking your vitamins.
However, before he could get to the part about
"believing in yourself" Moses returned with the
real commandments. He
became enraged as the people in his absence were
worshipping a "Golden Idol" that turns out was not
a calf, but the Hulkster
himself!
Hulk and and Moses then went
their separate ways, with Hogan insisting that he
was really "putting over" Moses all along. This is
the last Hogan speaks of this
time.
Other Lost Chapters:
Discovering
America....
Unknown to most, Hulk was
actually a part of the crew of sailors
who accompanied Christopher Columbus to the "new
World" in 1492. History has now discovered that
Hulk himself was actually the first to step on
U.S. soil as Columbus was believed to be sickened
that day by a combination of sour ale and bad
mussels. Hulk donned Colombus' uniform and lead
his men ashore. It was said at this point that
Hogan began his love affair with America. Hogan
seflessly allowed Columbus to take credit,
although he stated that he would want his "job"
returned one day...
Hulk
Defeats the Third
Reich....
When The U.S.
Joined the War effort after the fateful Pear
Harbour assault, the Alliance unloaded their new
weapon of mass destruction: Hulk Hogan, code named
"H-Bomb" on an unsuspecting Hiroshima, leveling
the city by releasing an airborne Hulkster, who
proceeded to devastate the Metropolis with a
thunderous Legdrop.
Hulk was also one of the few
survivors on the Beaches of Normandy, where he was
said to "no-sell" heavy mortar assaults. The
German soldiers, baffled, cried out: "I could of
sworn that would've finished him!" "How is he
getting up!?"
Hogan's final charge came in
1945 when he along with the Russians (marking the
only time the star-spangled Hulkster EVER worked
with the Reds) stormed Hitler's bunker manhandling
Adolf before delivering a high-boot that was said
to dislodge the Fuehrer's head from his shoulders,
killing him instantly.
Hulk Walks On The
Moon...
In 1969, The
U.S. deplored their Astronauts into the cold
reaches of Space with hopes of landing on the Moon
itself. What is not common knowledge however, is
that the Hulkster was aboard the vessel, as his
skin after years of prolonged exposure to the sun,
allowed him to wear substantially less gear than
the average Astronaut, in turn saving the
Government millions in the process.
Neil Armstrong, whom had
seniority, was all set to exit the craft when
Hogan accidentally knocked him unconscious with
the module door. Hogan then officially stepped
foot on the moon, uttering the phrase: "One small
step, Bruther"... before the Astronauts,
angry with Hogan's grand-standing, packed up the
vessel and left him stranded on the Moon's
surface. Hogan would eventually use the awesome
power of Hulkamania to return to Earth, releasing
the hot-air from an over the top promo and
propelling himself safely through the Earth's
atmosphere.
The Government,
angry with Hulk's defiance on the mission, edited
his voice from the TV broadcast and dubbed
Armstrong's in to appease his bruised
ego.
Although these snippets are
speculative, it is hoped one day that the TRUTH
about Hulk Hogan will be completely released to
the masses, however, until then, we'll have to
seek comfort in these words: "Hulkamania will Live
Forever!....Bruther."
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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