ACERBIC TREATS
08.29.08 THE DARK KNIGHT, MY IPHONE &
MORE!
Hello all, and
welcome back to the column that may take a break,
but always comes back for more! I apologize for my
absence over the past weeks. It has been a strange
few weeks in the Gonzo house with his dealer going
M.I.A., and seriously work piling up, and a few
deaths around him. Not been fun. But I decided to
get off of my lazy ass, ass and finally do some
writing. I have watched a TON of movies recently,
finished one of the greatest TV shows of all time,
and have finally made an effort to play through
some of my old games. So let’s get started!
THE DARK
KNIGHT
Spoilers ahead!!! What is the easiest way to say best comic book
movie ever? Is it by saying best comic book ever?
If so, then this movie is the best comic book
movie ever. This may be the best 2 comic book
movies ever. Even a month after seeing it, I have
no ill effects from claiming that I have watched a
masterpiece. After the lights rose in the lovely
Cinerama
Dome in Hollywood
, and I sat in my
seat relatively stunned and shocked at what I had
just witnessed. I saw the Joker become the coolest
most vicious (for a Hollywood movie anyway)
villain ever to grace the screen of a comic book
adaptation. I witnessed Two-Face look as
disgusting as he would if he was burned in real
life. I witnessed the rise of Commissioner Gordon.
I witnessed the Batman take a backseat to a much
more interesting character. I witnessed genius
from all parties.
From the moment Heath
Ledger appears as Joker, there is a buzz on the
screen, more so because he died than from what the
character actually does. The transition comes from
the first meeting he has with the CO-OP (as
The
Wire
would call it) as Heath grabs the audience in his
gloved hand, and we are off for a ride, knowing
full well that he has taken complete control of
the movie. The “magic trick” alone set the crowd
a-flutter and there was no turning back. His
performance deserves an Oscar. This is the best
performance from any comic book movie ever and
really one of the most impressive performances in
recent memory. After watching Heath have his way
in this movie, it really begs to question all the
chatter about how he, “could never live up to
Jack’s performance as the Joker”. Not only has he
lived up to it, he’s blown it out of the water.
Jack’s Joker is kiddie, wet your pants, you’re up
past your bed time, campy, Batman from the 60s
Joker, while Heath is “Killing Joke” or “Arkham
Asylum” Joker. He is the man that tests Batman,
and is the violent, serial killer that constantly
causes Batman nothing but absolute headaches and
torture. From his ticks to his twitches, to the
masterful touch of having him tell a different
story each time he talks about his scars, Heath
snatches the attention of anyone and everyone in
the vicinity and takes them on a wild ride. You
are almost sad afterwards when you realize that he
is missing for a good middle chunk of the movie.
The rest of the cast is their usual self: awesome,
and believable. And kudos for replacing Katie
Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Great call on that.
Katie is a terrible actress and gets way to much
work. She’s been downhill since the first 4
seasons on Dawson’s Creek. And there is nothing
wrong with me watching that show, and owning the
DVDs, no matter what your hetero gland says.
This leads me to the
script, penned by the director Chris Nolan and his
brother Jonathan Nolan, they take many of the
great conflicts of the best graphic novels and do
their best to bring it to Hollywood. Granted they
couldn’t have it as dark or morbid as “The Dark
Knight Returns” or “Arkham”, but they take it
pretty damn close. Joker verbalizes the
relationship between himself and Batman in the
interrogation room as one in the same. How one
cannot live without the other. A popular device in
the comics and the novels, it isn’t as impactful
here as in the comics because of the bluntness in
the way it was stated. It is a really good thing
that they included it because the reason Batman is
so obsessed with his villains and Gotham is that
he tends to see a little of himself in all of his
villains (get into talking about the Riddler). He
sees his weaknesses in the Joker, his double life
in Two-Face, his freak nature in the Penguin, his
better half in Catwoman, and his intelligence in
the Riddler. Two-Face, as if you didn’t know, is
in this movie as well and damn if he doesn’t seem
to have his own chunk of the script to himself. I
didn’t expect that they would have what was
basically 2 movies rolled into one by having the
rise and fall of Two-Face within the movie itself.
Well done on that end by breaking conventions and
what the movie going audience expects to see. The
script itself is well written, but no matter how
good a script is, if the actors cannot pull it
off, it has no hope. Hope springs eternal in this
film.
Is
this the best comic book movie ever? Yes. Easily.
This isn’t just a good comic movie, this is great
cinema. Nolan has proved he is a genius and Batman
does not let this mantle waiver in the slightest.
I bow before “The Dark Knight” as a humbled
moviegoer, and I worship at it’s alter as the
greatest comic book movie ever. That is until
“Watchmen” comes out.
GRADE: A
THE
IPHONE
For those of you who
are misinformed the messiah did arrive in a
blustery day in July. Unfortunately for the
religious people involved, Jesus did not look like
the 6 foot tall white guy with long hair and a
beard. In fact he didn’t look like a 6 foot tall
middle eastern guy with long hair and a beard (not
Osama). He in fact looks like a 4 inch cube with a
touch screen and awesome multimedia capabilities.
And a beard. That’s right, the IPHONE arrived on
the scene (and it only really makes an impact if
you type everything in caps) and I actually lined
up for one. One of those lonely, depressed, loser
people who had nothing better to do than take a
vacation day and line up for a phone, I managed to
secure one thanks to Del Taco, “Blade Runner” and
“Spaced”.
As
soon as I secured the phone in my possession I
tried my hardest not to sacrifice a goat for it.
Seeing as there were monumental issues as to
getting it to work (I wasn’t able to actually use
the phone until 10 hours later, thanks Apple and
AT&T!), I withheld my pious convictions and
simply married the goat.
Once my phone started
working I was in love. I tried not to get too
hyped for it as I knew that would lead to a road
of disappointment but I couldn’t help myself. I
looked past the glaring errors and omissions and
had a blast toughing it and fiddling with it and
had a grand old time. Then the luster wore off and
this is what I am left with.
First off, good: The
application store is seriously genius and
transformed what would have been a mediocre phone
into something AWESOME. The applications are
constantly updated and the fact that I can watch
pitch by pitch in real time baseball games is
truly sweet. The You Tube connectivity is amazing
as well. Really awesome stuff there. The GPS is
very helpful and does what it should for the most
part. There should be some giant announcements
about the phone coming on 09/09/08, so I expect it
to be even better. I have high hopes anyway. You
can zoom in on your pictures after you take them
too which is neat. IPod options are great.
Internet connectivity is great.
My
gripes: No cut and paste. No texting or receiving
pictures in a way that doesn’t drive you insane.
No zoom on the camera. No flash on the camera.
Worthless camera. Obnoxiously slow at times,
especially when typing. Applications crash pretty
regularly. The phone tends to restart itself
whenever it damn well pleases. Nothing seems to
ever work when you really need it (GPS is a great
example). 3G eats more battery than a super
charged vibrator. It doesn’t make me dinner. Sound
pops in and out. Ringtones are annoying as hell to
create, but pretty cool at the same time.
So
if you’re gonna get this, and I am sure you’ve
been waiting 3 months since it came out to read my
review before purchasing it, read the below battle
between my old phone and my IPhone and see the
victor:
OLD PHONE: Could
receive pictures of assorted male body parts and
chicks with wieners from my friend to his glee of
grossing me out. Could text pictures to people if
I saw fit.
IPHONE: Cannot text
pictures or receive my friend’s “chicks with dix
pix” without logging into an AT&T website to
review them, much to my friends chagrin. LAME.
Point: OLD PHONE
OLD PHONE: Couldn’t
answer calls on my phone, causing me to punch it,
shattering the screen.
IPHONE: Can actually
answer calls on my phone for once! Yeah!
Point: IPHONE
OLD PHONE: Had to
play solitaire endlessly while on the can as a way
to amuse myself.
IPHONE: Can play
“Monkey Ball” (not as gross as it sounds), Poker
and Solitaire (and funny that they all sound like
euphemisms for playing with your junk, or balling
someone) while on the can and even surf the
internet too!
Point: IPHONE
OLD PHONE: Slow
connectivity made watching pornography impossible.
IPHONE: Faster
connectivity allows better porn viewing, but
unless you’re connected to WI-FI, the quality is
so poor, you might as well watched scrambled porn
on the TV or just put a bunch of porn on the phone
via the IPOD.
Point: Tie
OLD PHONE: Won’t make
me dinner
IPHONE: Still won’t
make me dinner, but looks better while not cooking
for me, much like a trophy wife or a younger
girlfriend.
Point: IPHONE
So
as you can see, the IPHONE clearly beats my old
phone 3-1in the best of 7 championship. Is the
IPHONE worth buying? In a way yes it is. It’s a
great device, but has MAJOR flaws that updates
will hopefully take care of in the future. If they
fix pix texting and the camera this thing is gold.
If not, a smart phone like a Blackberry may be for
you. All in all though it is a solid phone that is
contingent on what they do with it. It can either
be a masterpiece or a bust.
GRADE: B
FUTURE POSSIBILITY: A
Well I had figured I
would write more than I actually did but ranting
about a phone and the Dark Knight took up much
more room than I thought it would. I will blow
through all the movies that I saw over the summer
and review the GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME in my
next column. Until then, good day and sorry for
the delay in writing.
