Fast forward twenty
years, and there I was, about 8 years old, at a mall
begging the store Santa to get me the elusive hooded
Cobra Commander for Christmas-- before noticing a flask
of Beam hanging off his oversized novelty belt. He
winked at me, and told me it was for the cold ride home.
After that, I started to doubt the validity of Mall
Santas, eventually clueing in that his noticeable
in-suit erection was also not standard Kris Kringle
procedure. I was a fast learner. And
forgetter.
Anyway, as the pointless sentence
above didn’t point out--besides the fact that I was
perhaps sexually molested by what actually turned out to
be a homeless person-- I was addicted to GI Joe. In
fact, I loved it so much that I was able to overlook SO
many plot holes. Plot holes like Cobra; who were
determined to take over the world--but instead of
deploying missiles and chemical warfare, they instead
chose to conquer said world through intricate and
complicated plans that often saw them creating devices
to control the weather, shrinking their troops to
microscopic size, and using a laser…a laser that kinda
could be used as a weapon, call me crazy, to carve Cobra
Commander’s visage into the moon’s surface. Money
well spent.
But
hey, there were so many positives to GI Joe that you
could overlook some things. Yes, sir. To prove that they
weren’t just a mindless vehicle to promote wanton
violence or sell toys, each episode ended with a various
Joe schooling children on varying safety issues and
basic common sense. What always struck me funny though
is that no one ever seemed freaked out when
say, Barbeque (A fireman character, who obviously
wasn’t too adept at his job with a handle like that)
would climb in through children’s bedroom windows to
deliver this sage advice. Perhaps Michael Jackson missed
his true calling. Yo, Joe.
With
that said, after dispensing his wisdom, the random Joe
would then expound that "Knowing is half the battle." I
remember hearing this and being curious as to what the
other half was. It certainly wasn't fucking shooting,
this I promise you. Did I mention that no one ever hit
their mark, good or bad on this show? That’s right.
America’s highly trained special mission force couldn’t
kill a blind pig in an alley, and had the collective
reflexes of a drunken Michael J. Fox on speed.
Basically, everyone just punched each other out. And
I'll tell you, if I was a tax payer paying Billions for
those fucking useless Tiger Force tanks, I just might be
a little pissed that most of these battles ended in
fisticuffs.
Anyway, on the heels of the
impending "Transformers The Movie", the timing seemed
perfect to unload a G.I. Joe full length feature as
well, featuring Duke, Flint and the boys doing battle
with Cobra Commander, Destro and Serpentor--who for the
record was "Emperor" of Cobra, and created in a
laboratory by combining the DNA of history’s most feared
conquerors. And yes it's possible! And while this
process may seem a little far fetched to most, I can
assure you that it’s not. See, I too was conceived in a
similar fashion; only I was the by-product of the merged
genetics of the world’s laziest people. And much like
Serpentor, I’d be unstoppable too, if only I’d ever
start anything.
The
year in question is now 1987, a full year after the full
length Transformers feature bombed at the box-office,
and as a result, Joe never did make it to theaters.
Instead, it was aired on free TV. The movie itself
starred the voice talents of Don Johnson--as Lt.
Falcon-- who was best known at the time for rasslin’ up
drug dealers with "Tubbs" on Miami Vice, and boning
Melanie
Griffith back when she was hot. And
sadly, Lt. Flacon did not wear a military issue
rolled-up sleeved white jacket/salmon shirt combo. I
mean, really. It's PERFECT camouflage-- if we ever go to
war with the Homosexual quarter in south
beach.
The
other main voice talent was Burgess Meredith, best known
as Rocky Balboa's trainer "Mickey" in the Rocky
franchise, but more so, to me, as The Penguin in TV’s
Batman. It's true. Poor motherfucker's been typecast
again! I mean, a mastermind surrounded by thugs in
matching ridiculously colored uniforms easily beaten
after just not shooting the hero when they had the
fucking chance? Man.
The
Plot of the movie? You guessed it; TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Only this
time, the contrived device that will assist them in this
feat is a machine known as the B.E.T. (Broadcast Energy
Transmitter…and not Black Entertainment Television as I
had originally suspected. I mean, who wouldn’t give
unconditional surrender to a device capable of
bombarding us with hip-hop inspired television
programming? I'm surrendering already!). You see, the
B.E.T. is a device that will apparently solve the
world’s energy problems (something not smoking so much
pot would just as easily accomplish for me.). However,
in classic cartoon fashion, it was never explained just
HOW the fuck it would do this.
A
subplot is also taking place here, as a mysterious new
enemy has infiltrated Cobra, apparently looking to
assassinate Serpentor. But hey, since he was made up of
Julius Caesar’s sweet, sweet DNA you’d think the
motherfucker would have learned to see this kind of shit
coming. Come on, man. You've had 2000 years to get your
shit together.
Anyway, as it turns out, the threat,
known as "Pythona"…(get it? as in a snake? Cobra…Python…
it’s brilliant and not at all lazy writing!) informs
Serpentor of his true origins… Cobra-La!…and instructs
him to retrieve the B.E.T. This then takes Cobra to the
Himalayan Mountains where the Joes are testing the
B.E.T., which COINCIDENTALLY is literally MINUTES from
Cobra-La’s hidden city. Sweet irony!
An
ensuing battle takes place soon thereafter and
Serpentor is captured by the Joes when he’s hurled onto
the activated B.E.T. and seemingly electrocuted to
death. Luckily, his full body snake suit saves his life.
Or something. Hey, remember when terrorists just wore
fatigues and maybe turbans? Not Serpentor. No sir. I
mean, seriously though, imagine how much more imposing
Bin Laden or Hussein would have been had they worn a
costume made out of…camels? I don’t know. Anyway, The
Joe’s run Cobra off, but Cobra Commander knows where
they can seek shelter. Oh I bet you he means
Cobra-La!!!! [/sarcasm]
With
the Joes on their tails, Cobra heads in through the
mountains and make their way into an entirely organic
city, that is surrounded by HUGE pod bearing trees. I
imagine this what Matthew McConaughey's livingroom looks
like. It is at this point that Cobra-La makes its
presence known (with a giant man-bat known as Nemesis
Enforcer) and hands the Joes their collective ASSES.
Asses that have no discernable holes or crevices thanks
to the good people of Hasbro. Commander then tries to
embrace Nemesis, as only one can a giant demonic bat,
but gets pimp slapped for his trouble. With CC confused,
the real threat emerges; Golobulus (Burgess Meredith).
You see, Golobulus is a large 7000 year old muscle-bound
bald man with a strange cycloptic eye and a huge sliding
pod for a body. You know the type.
Anyway, we learn of Cobra’s true
origins: Cobra-La, and Globby (as we’ll call him)
explains that ten thousand years ago, they ruled the
world, and when man evolved, they were forced into these
mountains…awaiting a day when they’d be able to reclaim
the earth as their own. How a force with organic weapons
and giant 8 foot flying man bats lost the earth to a
bunch of filthy dirty bearded dudes emerging from caves
scared of fire is anyone's guess.
They
then explain that Cobra Commander was a brilliant
scientist until disfigured by mutating spores. He was
also bald and blue skinned. Saywhatinthefucknow? Anyway,
the spores gave him at least a dozen new eyeballs,
turning him into a vengeful terrorist (who musta had one
HELLUVA hard time finding the right pair of sunglasses).
From there, he was then sent out into the world to umm,
conquer the world. This is kinda awesome.
Anyway, it is at this point we jump
to the introduction of Lt. Falcon (Don Johnson), who is
guarding Serpentor. But it wouldn’t be an 80’s cartoon
without him being immature and reckless. And he doesn’t
disappoint, bringing his "date" (Zarana…a Cobra double
agent who cases the joint) to the base, and Serpentor
ends up getting broken out of prison later after he
deserted his post. Also, we learn that Falcon is really
Duke’s half-brother, and rather than being
court-martialed, Duke convinces the judges to instead
send him to Sgt. Slaughter’s boot camp, where he’ll
learn some discipline, and no doubt how to run 100
miles an hour into turnbuckle posts and not die.
We are
then also introduced to several *new* Joes: Jynx, Tunnel
Rat, Big Lob (who wears a military
standard…basketball uniform?) and Chuckles, who
never talks but wears a really loud Hawaiian shirt--I
guess just in case sudden war suddenly breaks
out in Shady Acres in Del Boca Vista. Anyway, as with
all movies, new characters are always brought in to
replace the older ones
(cough*justanexcusetosellnewfigures*cough) and save the
day…despite the fact that we the viewers watch the show
to see our favorites. But that’s not how you move *new*
merchandise, silly.
Anyway, Serpentor arrives in
Cobra-La, and the trial of Cobra Commander continues.
Golobulus finds Cobra Commander guilty for FAILING his
mission and now must be punished by, you guessed it…the
spores. Cobra Commander yells out "Not the Spores!!!",
but hey, why bother? Dude, you got like twenty fucking
eye balls already. Anything at this point would be an
improvement. CC then gets blasted in the face with said
spores which causes him to become scaly and slowly morph
into a snake. Funny, spores always just made me itchy
and allergic. Where's my rapidly evolving snake-body? I
feel gypped. Pass the Sinutab.
Golobulus then tells of his
nefarious plan. He will reclaim the
planet by mutating the earth’s population! Yes!
Wait. Huh? What would that do, other than just
make your human threat umm, a little uglier? But before
he can unfurl his plan, first, they must free Serpentor,
and claim the B.E.T…. which is the only way the mutation
pods can be ripened in space. Makes total sense to me.
During
Globby’s longwinded tirade, The Joes try to make a break
for it, but vines appear out of nowhere and snatch them
up, cocooning them to the pod trees. The only person to
escape is Roadblock, who is accidentally blinded by
Nemesis Enforcer. Cobra Commander tells RB that he knows
another way out, but will only tell him if he takes him
with him. But in cool cartoon fashion, despite the
horrors going on around him, Roadblock agrees, and
actually has time to spit out a sweet rhyme that ends
with "there’s no doubt, I’ll turn your eyeballs inside
out!" Good luck, Roadblock, you'll be there for a while.
We now
see Lt. Falcon as he is dropped off at the "Slaughter
House" where several of Slaughter’s minions await…none
of which is named Gen. Adnan or Colonel Mustafa,
unfortunately.
After
being run through the mill by Slaughter…who animators
were a little generous with as far as "muscle
definition" goes, they infiltrate Cobra’s headquarters
(The Terror Drome) and set a bomb that blows it up as
bombs are wont to do. Usually, its just Sarge in real
life, but hey, what can you do. Not really be a three
hundred pound shapeless sack of potatoes? Maybe.
Anyway, Cobra makes their bid for
the B.E.T. next, thanks mainly to Cobra-La’s organic
weapons, including planes that basically shoot
vegetables. I always imagined this would be how the
Vegans would one day conquer the Earth. So, for those
who always wondered, string-beans will indeed beat
bullets any day of the week. I for one am ready to
embrace our pasty-white hemp-wearing overlords.
In the
midst of battle, Slaughter, Falcon and the other
renegades arrive, and Serpentor takes it to Falcon, then
grabs one of his snakes from his neck, straightens it
out, and throws it like a javelin! However, Duke steps
in front, taking the stiffened snake in the heart! Hey,
I might not be a biology wiz, but I’m pretty sure you
can’t do that with snakes. Although, every time I'm on a
date, I give it my best shot. HIYO.
Anyway, Serpentor escapes with the
B.E.T., and the Joes gather around Duke who "goes into a
coma", as we all would after having a 8 foot snake
javelin violently explode through our ribcages and
penetrate our vitalest of organs. All kidding aside,
apparently, in the original script, Duke was really
supposed to die, but it was changed after the bad
reaction Optimus Prime’s death had in Transformers the
movie. And heaven forbid we make children cry. Or
our slaves. I'm still fighting that one in court as
we speak.
Anyway, back at Cobra La, Golobulus
fires up the B.E.T. … pretty easily… despite the fact
that he’s been living in a utopian cave for about 6000
years and probably wouldn’t have the best understanding
of technology. Just saying. He then launches the pods
into space, and, it’s just a matter of time before they
ripen and burst, mutating all of humanity... Which helps
their cause how again, exactly? The countdown is now on,
as we see an inch worm slowly make its way down a dagger
signifying the time humanity has left. Ok, here's my
question. This guy can operate advanced machinery and
computers, but just can't go out and get a fucking
Casio? What gives?
From
there, we then cut back to Roadblock and a completely
transformed Cobra Commander, who is now a snake... with
little tiny arms. Kind of like what you’d get if you
spliced a snake and Chris Benoit genetically. Only with
more German suplexes. Or any. I don't even know what's
happening here anymore.
Anyway, Cobra Commander, who still
possesses vocal skills by the way, a real rarity in the
reptile kingdom, is on the edge of madness as he
repeatedly states "I was once a man!" Funny, my best
friend who just got engaged says the same thing all the
time. Finally, Roadblock has had enough of this
jibba-jabba and the two begin strangling each other and
roll down a hill…where the other Joes are conveniently
camped. "Roadblock, are you ok?!" asks Life-line (the
medic). Dude, didn’t you just see him roll down a hill
wrapped in a 6 foot talking snake with arms? That shit
doesn’t freak you out at all? Jesus.
With
Duke in a "coma", Gen. Hawk now organizes a secret
assault on Cobra-La, and says the Rawhides (the new
recruits) are not ready yet. Might be a good idea. It’s
not like Chuckles shirt is gonna stand out in that
terrain or anything….
However, they of course sneak off
anyway, and end up making the big difference! Their toys
are available this Christmas!...
The
Joes arrive and manage to free the cocooned Joes and
take it to Cobra. Slaughter goes one on one with Nemesis
Enforcer and dominates the big man, killing him rather
easily actually by tossing him down a chasm. So, let me
get this straight, Slaughter can easily dispense an 8
foot demon, but not press Hulk Hogan’s shoulders to the
mat for three seconds? Damn. Clearly, they need to
put Hulk Hogan on the military payroll, stat! A few
hundred bodyslams and this war would be over.
From
there, Jynx goes toe to toe with Pythona, and also kills
her rather easily…despite the fact Pythona
single-handedly took out an entire legion of Crimson
Guards earlier in the movie. And she was blindfolded
too! Mr. Myagi would be so proud! And dead! And no doubt
from there, like the crafty old fuck he was, he'd
convince her that the best way to further her martial
arts ability would be to do fucking chores around his
house. "Once you finish cutting that grass you'll know
Kung-Fu, too!"
Finally, Falcon himself faces the
man who definitely did not kill his brother because it
would too traumatic for children, Serpentor, and defeats
him thanks to an assist by Cobra Commander (who attacks
one of Serpentor’s snakes. And how does Serpentor keep
replacing these by the way? Cobras in the Himalayas are
a wee bit rare, I'd think). Anyway, Serpentor’s cape
ends up becoming entangled in his chariot motor from
there and he cascades off, although we never really
find out what becomes of him. (at least in this film).
With
Serpentor disposed of, Golobulus is the only thing in
the way between Falcon, the B.E.T., and Def Comedy Jam,
but Globby is no pushover, and sheds his pod to reveal a
20 foot long snake tail. (hey, what’d you expect?).
Globby manhandles Falcon from there and tries to break
his neck; but before he can, Falcon grabs the worm
dagger from the ground and stabs Globby in his funky
eye. He finally gets to the B.E.T., but Globby
triumphantly leaves declaring that it’s too late. "The
pods have matured!" he bellows. Tell me about it. It
seems like just yesterday they wanted to play children’s
games, and now look at them! Man, they grow up so fast!
Anyway, Falcon thinks fast and decides to overload the
B.E.T. and fry the pods in space. We know it’s working
because a gigantic "OVERLOAD" appears on its screen, you
know, for the benefit of those who are retarded-- or
like me, could not tell that I was buying the
same exact old toys I already owned, only painted with
snake scales. PYTHON-PATROL~!
Heroically, Falcon tells everyone to
evacuate before the B.E.T. explodes (ya, think?), but
Sarge is having nothing of it as he and Jynx pull Falcon
to safety as the B.E.T. blows up, eradicating all
threats and destroying Cobra-La altogether. "We all go
home, or no one goes home!" Sarge yells out. Huh.
I'm glad Sarge put that one up for vote.
Dick.
We
then see the Joes celebrating as only hundreds of
horny dudes with maybe 3 women around them
can--GANG BANG! (we find out pretty fast why they
call one of them Bazooka!). Ok, I lied. Falcon
just looks up at the sky and says "Thanks, big
brother!" Clearly, for Duke's invaluable help in
being useless and comatose. "We couldn't have done
it...well, with you." Obviously.
The
closing shot is of Jynx and Falcon romantically kissing
as the remaining burned mutation spores rain down from
the sky. Ah, yes. There's nothing more romantic than
plummeting seeds that turns you into monsters. Light the
candles and put on the Barry White! It's going to be a
sexy night!
Anyway, this was the last of GI Joe
for a number of years, until 1990, when DIC released a
newer version. Yes DIC. I remember laughing like an
idiot as I said "head" after they said it at the end of
each episode. I was 25 at the time.
So, in
closing, I definitely recommend this for nostalgia
purposes, and because I modeled my entire adult-life
around their teachings. Maybe because, if not, I
was secretly terrified that the ambiguously
gay Gung-Ho would suddenly
appear in my bedroom and rape me.
Maybe.
Loopholes aside, I still mark-out
for this stuff today, so check’er out when you get the
chance. Duke would have wanted it that way. Yo
Joe!
I’m
Sean.
