What the fuck is Armor School? All I
know was, at 18, I was *almost* accepted, but
unfortunately, I didn't have the grades in Kevlar. I
learned the hard way that you can only coast through
high school on Chain Mail for so long...
Seriously though, when I was kid, I
loved Bazooka. I really did. It wasn't until I was
older that I realized one sad truth. In the midst of
battle, Bazooka was good for like one shot. And
that's it. Once he shoots that one missile, he's
just some unarmed douchebag in a helmet and the same
ill-fitting football jersey your Dad wears on
weekends when all his clean clothes are in the
hamper. I feel bad for the guy. He's totally
Bazooka: "Come on
guys! I can shoot the guns, too! I'm more than
just a Bazooka! Give me a chance!"
Other Joes: "Shut
the fuck up, Bazooka."
Being the only Joe to have a laser
rifle gives you a definite advantage as a sniper.
Wearing neon-green, full-body coveralls and a helmet
that looks like one big glowing Xmas Ornament,
all while trying to be incognito, mind you... umm,
not so much. In fact, I think the Tree at
Rockefeller Center is more subtle than this
motherfucker. You might as well paint a big bull's
eye on your chest there, pal, because, if Cobra
could actually shoot, they'd have been picked
off your effervescent glowing green ass the first
day. Jesus, what's next, a fucking Ninja in a
hound's-tooth jacket and golf shorts?
Ah, poor Snow Job. When you discount
the obvious unfortunate rhyming connotation of his
chosen pseudonym, (only his unknown brother Rock
Sucker truly knows his pain) Snow Job, like Alpine,
Dusty & other Joe's of a certain geographical ilk,
his collective usefulness is very limited. Yet, the
motherfucker suits up in his fucking giant balaclava
and snowsuit everyday anyway, hoping today will
FINALLY be the day he gets that big call up and his
existence is vindicated. Snow Job is clearly the
Aqua Man of GI Joe. I really feel for the guy. I
mean, how often do Terrorists ever unfurl their evil
plots on fucking Ski Hills? Your heart goes out to
Duke: "Ok, Joes,
let's get ready to roll out. We've just learned
Cobra Commander has created a weather machine
capable of creating Earthquakes!"
Snow Job: "Should
I bring my skis?"
We'll definitely need them! There's tons of snow
Snow Job: "YES!
Duke: "Haha, I'm
just fucking with ya. It's in the Desert. You can
stay behind and watch the base."
Stupid Snow Job.
Ah, good Ol' Chuckles. GI Joe's
most forgotten action figure. You see, Chuckles was
GI JOE's undercover agent. Kind of like Zartan, only
you know, terrible. I mean he didn't even come
with a mask like Zartan (which he wore with his
already identifiable hood and glowing chest plate,
but hey, whatever...). So, in that regard, Chuckles
was in essence useless. So much so, that he never
ever had one speaking role in the cartoon. But yet,
his file-card paints him as this crafty undercover
marvel that no one sees coming. Huh. I can see how
he effortlessly blends in and doesn't draw attention
to himself with that horrendously loud Hawaiian
shirt, and completely visible GUN BELT. Ya, no one's
going to suspect a thing there, Chuckles. Visibly
armed dudes are totally unassuming. Way to stay on
Although, maybe he truly is a
MASTER OF SUBTERFUGE after all. Because I'll
be damned if he isn't the spitting image of former
Entertainment Tonight co-host and Piano song-meister
John Tesh~! Tell me I'm wrong:
Perhaps he lulls Cobra into a false
sense of security through his easy listening
music? I know if I was a terrorist, I'd surrender
immediately, and accept my ultimate demise for
crimes against humanity in the face of a
possible Tesh song-medley. Because, you wanna talk
about crimes against humanity! Ahem.
The Fridge is of course
former Chicago Bear William "The Refrigerator"
Perry, who had a special GI Joe figure made of him
sometime in 1986, despite never appearing in the
cartoon. What makes this so absurd is that his
*official* "military position" is "physical
training". That's rich. You know, like all the food
he had to consume to be basically built like a giant
bulk bag of potatoes filled entirely with butter and
oil. I can just imagine the training camp:
trainees. Listen up! Here's all you need to know to
be in the peak of physical condition!"
Trainees: "Ay, Ay,
Fridge: "Ya, just
kinda be the complete opposite of me."
I'm ridiculous. I had a heart attack just putting on
my military issued umm, Football jersey today. I
don't even know why I'm here."
Trainees: "Umm, Yo
Whatever. Someone dial 911"
I mean, though, come on. Taking
fitness advice from this guy would be like taking
beauty tips from fucking F. Murray Abraham. Holy shit. The only way this guy would have
been ANY use to the Joe's is if someone
put a harness on him and dangled a giant meatball
sub in front of his face. Then you'd just tell him
the mustard's in the Terrordrome. He'd run right
through the wall, killing every Crimson guard on the
other side. You'd at least save yourself the
ammunition, that way. Instead of, you know,
purposely missing all your targets...
I feel bad about this one, because I
loved the guy on the cartoon, but come on.
Seriously. His only weapon is a gun that hasn't been
fucking used in 200 years. Surely, you can put aside
some of that TIGER FORCE money and buy this guy
a pistol that wasn't last used in the American
Revolution. Seriously. Plus, what's with the giant
fucking Anchor that he carries around for no
But hey, by chance, whilst fighting
a terrorist threat you somehow find yourself
aimlessly floating about in a makeshift boat, and
suddenly find the need to become stationary, you'll
be kicking yourself that you didn't invite Shipwreck
along for the ride. He could have saved your ass a
lot of trouble. Plus, if you get hungry you can
always eat that bird.
And on that note, am I the only one
somehow creeped out by the seemingly dead parrot
laying on its side incased in plastic in that
package? "Polly want a casket?"
Just in case you couldn't figure it
out by the subtle "SURVIVAL" written on his
1800's undershirt, Outback was GI JOE's resident
"survival expert" (complete with WAR READY..umm,
CUMBERSOME GIANT BACK PACK!). Although, at
first glance he looks more like a stray homeless guy
that wandered into The Pit, stole some clothes, some
food, and just told everyone he was a "survival
expert" when he was caught red-handed filling his
pockets with mashed potatoes. Although, he
likely truly was a survival expert! It's pretty
tough jumping from boxcar to boxcar with a
shopping-cart filled with tin cans, and not only
not dying, but not spilling any of them,
either! He has so much knowledge to pass down to the
new recruits! Knowledge like the very best park
benches to sleep under, which dumpster's have the
best half eaten donuts, and how to fake a doctor's
script so to get so high you overdose and die in
I was just disappointed that
homeless Outback didn't come with an accessory flask
of Aqua Velva aftershave, for those cold nights on
the trails, and a walking cane when he inevitably
goes blind from ingesting it. Yo Joe.
Not to knock the ancient ways of the
Samurai, but I don't care how adept you fucking are
at the "art of the live blade", you try running into
battle armed only with a sword and see how long your
ass lasts. What, the GI Joe on the horse with a
giant javelin busy this week? Holy shit. There's a
reason why these archaic motherfuckers became
I'm not trying to knock this
guy's ability as a firefighter, but when all your
buddies name you BARBECUE, I don't think that's
saying too much about your current skill-level when
it comes to your job. Something tells me he may have
dropped the ball a few times. His uncle Malpractice,
who's a doctor, can probably tell you all about it.
But that's not even my favorite aspect of
Barbecue. It's his file-card, where somehow, the
Joe's have put over his ability to, and I quote, "wrap
his lips completely around the bottom of a quart
coke bottle." How this is a skill that should
be commended is beyond me. Although, the only two
women in the field (Scarlett and Lady Jaye) are
being boned by the two commanding officers, so that
doesn't exactly leave too many romantic
possibilities for the remaining Joe's . Poor
HE PUTS OUT THE RAGING FIRES... IN
Speaking of the aforementioned
Scarlett, she was a pretty integral part of the
Joe's, but couldn't someone have gotten her an
actual relevant weapon?...
Who the fuck goes to War with a
What is this, the fucking 1300's? What, a giant
cauldron of hot oil that you dump over the side of a
castle wall not fit in the package? Dear god.
There's nothing really wrong with
this Joe, but Keel Haul gets special mention just
because he looks so much like Bruce Campbell. Plus,
the Navy's riding a little fast & loose with the
dress code there, aren't they? Which branch of the
military actually let's a guy wear his shirt like a
fucking 1970's hustler or porn star? I can just
picture him secretly ram-rodding Covergirl on the
carrier behind the pile of Oil Drums, before
retreating to the Captain's quarters where he
ravages her under a giant twirling mirrored ball.
"Turn over! It's time to swab the poop deck, baby!".
Dr. Mindbender is actually a pretty
cool character when you get down to it, but you'd
think with all the money Cobra wastes on fusing
their tanks with Pythons, that maybe, just maybe,
somewhere along the line, they'd have bought this
poor bastard a shirt. In my estimation, it's never a
good idea to ever frequent a half-naked doctor,
despite what porn will tell you.
That said, all I know is, I'd LOVE
to put "MASTER OF MIND
CONTROL" on my resumé. That's got
management material written all over it. And if not?
Well, if I'm truly as adept at it as I've claimed,
they'll change their tune soon enough!
But in the good doctor's defense,
it's not like he had much of a choice but to end up
exploiting the brain. The guy's last name is
MINDBENDER~! It's a family tradition! Passed down
generations from his immigrant grandfather, Jebediah
Mindbender. Whom I can only assume also passed down
that sweet monocle. Only Dr. Mindbender could pull
off wearing no shirt and a monocle. It's like he's
part porn star, part aristocrat, and part 1800's
carnival strongman. It's kind of like if Mr.
Peanut somehow procreated with Phineas from Family
Guy. It's a tough look to pull off, but he
somehow makes it work. I can just picture him coming
up with new potential DNA (that he likely donated
himself if his disturbing shirtlessness is any
indication) for Sepentor, all while peddling back
and forth on a unicycle, juggling. It's awesome.
Ok, that's it. I'm sure there's more
useless Joe's out there, like say Crazy Legs.
Seriously, there's no arguing with his legs! They've
clearly lost their mind~!, but I think I've reached
my quota of reading little tiny file-cards for
today. Clearly, you're more learned for having read
this. I'm all about spreading the knowledge. And now
you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other
half is shooting. They're still working on that one.
It's also probably the reason why after 25 years
they're still fighting the exact same assholes...
Credit to the file-card and
toy scans go to Yojoe.com. An awesome site for collectors, or 31 year
old man-children who just wrote 15 word pages about
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling , 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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