October 17,
2004
By
Sean
Carless
A lot of people don’t know this, but
I’m actually a HUGE fan of Star Wars. And hey, I know
what you’re thinking: “Star Wars AND Wrestling?”.
I know, I know, it is a wonder I’ve ever been laid. And
it's even a bigger wonder I ever had the patience to
inflate her first.
Anyway, call it nostalgia if you
want, but from the first time I saw this saga, I was
hooked. This franchise just has a way of capturing your
imagination. And a good portion of your money. But hey,
sometimes you just gotsta have a giant Darth Vader
helmet shaped carrying case, just because. What can I
say. The funny thing about Star Wars though is that it's
very polarizing. You either love it or you don’t. And if
you’re not sure just which category you fall into,
answer me this: If at any point of your adult life
you’ve ever simulated the sound effect of a lightsaber,
EVER, it means you’re a slave to George Lucas and you
might as well admit
it.
With that said, I recently purchased
the much ballyhooed DVD release of the original trilogy,
if only to see for myself "the changes" that so many of
the hardcore fans complained about. And now that I have,
I can’t say that I’m so much bothered by it, but
instead, that I still have some unanswered questions.
Looming questions, that many of the hardcore fans still
wonder about. Questions like, when did Padme really die?
Why does the unmasked Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi
look so old when he couldn’t be any older than 45? And
why does 2/3rd of their known universe all seem to have
fucking thick British
accents?
Luckily for me though, in a TWF
first, and last, likely, I actually managed to track
down famed director/producer George Lucas and conducted
the following *Exclusive* interview at his sprawling
Skywalker Ranch to hopefully get to the bottom of a few
of my queries! But not before he elevated me with the
awesome power of the force alone, and spiritually lifted
my wallet from my pants
pocket.
SC= Sean Carless. GL= George
Lucas.
SC:
Hello, Mr.
Lucas.
GL:
Hey
there.
SC:
First, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Original
Trilogy re-release on
DVD.
GL:
Well, you’ll have to forget all about
that.
SC:
Pardon
me?
GL:
Well, it’s not the movie I wanted to
release.
SC:
What do you
mean?
GL:
We’ve been working on a new special, special
edition. I’ll be re-re-re-releasing the REAL O.T.
as I’ve always wanted it made, very
soon…
SC:
Then why did you release this
version?
GL:
CHA-CHING! (laughs to
himself)
SC:
…
SC:
Okay, just for curiosity sake, how is this
version different than the version you *ahem* just
released?
GL:
Well, I want to say that it's better than
the earlier ones. I mean, I guess, it's more, if
you know what I mean. But better? I mean, who's to say
what’s better? But it is definitely more. You
should definitely buy it. You
know?
SC:
That made absolutely no
sense.
GL: Which
part?
SC:
Arghhh.
SC:
Okay, why don't you tell us what is DIFFERENT in
this "new" re-mastered
version?
GL:
Oh, Just about everything. First of all, we’ve replaced
the Darth Vader template with…James Earl Jones. Heck, we
figured, we spent all this fucking money on just his
voice alone, so why not just have him be
Vader?
SC:
You can’t be serious. But Luke Skywalker is white? How
could Vader be
black?
GL:
Well, Padme was really pale…..
SC:
Huh?
GL:
Come on. It doesn't have to make sense. I mean, no
one complained that it only took Luke like maybe a year
to become a Jedi Master, when he was pretty much trained
only by a ghost, but it took his old man and like
every other Jedi
fucking 20 years+.
SC:
No, actually, everyone
complained.
GL:
(while waving his hand in my face) THESE ARE NOT THE
PLOT-HOLES YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR.
SC:
What's going
on?
GL:
Umm,
Nothing.
SC:
Forget it. We’ll move on. One thing I always wondered
and never quite understood was, why did Vader look
so old when he was unmasked in Return of the
Jedi?
GL:
Because the actor who played him was 80 years old.
Jesus. A real Brain surgeon over
here.
SC:
NO, you don’t understand, I
meant….
GL:
Funny thing. Turns out Sebastian Shaw (the actor who
played Vader) is dead and thus I couldn't use him again.
It’s a shame, too, because I really wanted him
for this. And not just because corpses are kind of
ideal at one-take scenes, and don't put up any arguments
when you tell them "that was good enough, who cares
about the fucking acting and the dialog. Did you
see that Speeder bike? Boy was that fast!"... even
though, that's kind of the main reason.
However, apparently, using a corpse is against
S.A.G. regulations or something. I don't see why
not. We had the Jabba wranglers all ready to maneuver
him and everything. I mean, really, it couldn't look any
fucking faker than the Cantina
band.
SC:
Is there a point to
all this?
GL: Sure. Because of all
that, I needed an old dude for the
re-shot climax, fast, and well, I’m sure the fans
will be excited when they finally see "Blue" on the
screen.
SC:
Oh My God, you don’t
mean….
GL:
He’s my boy! Hehe. I loved that
movie.
SC:
…
SC:
But how is that even possible? He’s about a hundred
years old, isn’t
he?
GL:
Age means nothing when you’re strong with the force.
Look at Yoda. But not too close. It's probably best you
forget he looked more like a giant green testicle
in Ep. 1, than the Yoda you
remember.
SC:
Uh, ya. Anyway, keeping with this topic, how is it that
Palpatine/Sidious looks so young in the prequels and so
ravaged in the original Trilogy? Does he age as he
becomes more permeated in the darkside? Or is it
something else? I had this theory that Palpatine was
using a clone in the senate all this time, am I
right?
GL:
Maybeline.
SC:
Pardon
me?
GL:
He also exfoliates a lot.
SC:
What the hell are you talking
about?
GL: The Emperor was always ashamed
of his complexion. He had a bad case of adult acne and
it destroyed his self esteem. It probably is what drove
him to the darkside in the first place. Yes! I like
it! I HAVE to write this shit down, excuse
me….
…As I was saying, as he gained more
power, he just said fuck it, you know? I’m the most
powerful man in the universe, and if the ladies don’t
like it they can go straight to Mustafar.
Heheh. You know, on the account that Hell and Mustafar
are so similar because of the fire and
heat.
SC:
Ya, I get it. You didn't need to explain it in
mind-numbing detail.
GL:
Good. I promise I'll never do anything that makes sense
again. Ever.
SC:
Wait, I didn't
mean...
GL:
Too late!
Haha.
SC:
Arggh. Moving on. What other differences can we expect
in this, umm, re-re-re-release?
GL: It comes in a big
shiny
package!
SC:
Who cares about
that?
GL:
You do. (Waves his hand again in my
face)
SC:
What are you
doing?
GL:
Umm, making you realize the error of your ways by way of
mind manipulation via the living Force?
Maybe?
SC: Heh. Why stop there?
Why not just choke me out with the Force choke,
then?
GL: Oh, some on.
Seriously.That's just make-believe.
Idiot.
SC:
Oh, dear god. Well, is there anything else different?
Something actually worth
changing?
GL:
Well, the droids are somewhat different. We
didn’t want to tinker with them too much, but you’ll
notice a
difference.
SC:
How
so?
GL:
Well, first of all, R2D2 has been replaced…with a Shop
Vac.
SC:
What the
hell?
GL: Well, it made a lot of sense.
In addition to being a lot cheaper, it was VERY
practical. While the original was manned by a midget,
and had a host of production people making its every
move, The Shop Vac just had to be wheeled onto set. Plus
it has like four different nozzle attachments! And a wet
feature! It came in very
handy!
SC:
I’m almost afraid to ask, but how so?
GL:
Well, Carrie Fisher is quite the little drinker you
know, and on a few occasions, let's just say she made a
"mess" of the soundstage, and well, with R2 on hand we
can clean up just about anything one of her
insane benders leave behind! That fucking
whore!
SC:
Damn, George, I'm starting to see a serious
darkside to you
here.
GL: You mean, in the
spiritual sense that I'll be corrupted and turned evil
to the bewilderment of my fellow
knights?
SC:
No, I mean in the sense that you're an
asshole.
GL:
Fair
enough.
SC:
Um, Okay… moving on...again.. Well, what of C-3PO?
Any changes
there?
GL:
No change. Well, not physically
anyway.
SC:
What do you
mean?
GL:
Well, mentally, C-3PO is going to find his true "self"
and finally explore his burgeoning homosexual feelings
for
R2.
SC:
Say what
now?
GL:
Oh, you didn’t know? C3PO is quite the galactic pillow
biter. He speaks a billion languages except
one..the language of LOVE. We hope to remedy
this.
SC:
Oh my God. This keeps getting
worse....
SC:
Okay, what about the puppets in the movie? Have you
altered them in any way, or have you changed them to
straight
CGI?
GL:
Neither. We’ve replaced all the puppets with real
people. For example, we’ve decided to completely edit
out the cantina band and replace them with Morris Day
and The Time. We didn’t even need to pay them. And
Morris doesn't even need make-up! It worked out
brilliantly. But the music was a little tough to
take at times. I mean, what, do they play like just
one song or what? What a bunch of
hacks.
SC:
But, umm, George, so do that Cantina band. They had like
9 years to learn a new fucking song, and they're
still playing that same irritating jingle in
Jabba's
palace.
GL:
I have no idea what you're on
about.
SC: *Sigh*
Ok, forget it. … back to the main point...No
puppets at all then? What about Jabba The Hutt, surely
he couldn’t be
replaced?
GL:
You mean
"she".
SC:
What?
GL:
That's right, and the answer is "yes", she was replaced.
You ever watch The
View?
SC:
Umm, I've seen
it….
GL:
Well, then you're familiar with Star
Jones.
SC:
What?!
GL:
Yes, Star fit the bill nicely. She had similar
proportions to Jabba, and didn't even mind eating
slugs out of Mason jars… well, providing they were
cooked in butter
first…..
SC:
Why?!
GL:
Well, originally, we were going to use Rosie O'Donnell,
but she kept fondling the dancing girls, then eating
them.
SC:
Enough. I can’t take this anymore. Let’s move on to the
present and Episode
III.
GL:
Yes. We’re looking at a May 2005 release for this one.
Should be
great.
SC:
There certainly is a lot of anticipation for this one.
What can we expect in this final
chapter?
GL:
Well, there’s going to be a lot of surprises! For one,
Alec Guinness will be making a very special cameo in the
trailer.
SC:
Awesome. I heard about this. I think his voice edited
into the teaser will be
powerful.
GL:
NO, you don’t understand he's IN the
movie.
SC:
But…he's been dead for what, 5
years?!
GL:
Haha, try telling Alec that! Man, what a professional.
I'm convinced it's all just method. Bar the whole not
having a pulse thing. Only like 2 people in the
world can do that. But one is dead. I think. Truth
is. We'll never know. That's
acting!
SC:
I think, if you don't mind, I’m just going to
change the subject here for the sake of my sanity. Okay,
then. Here's a hot button issue amongst the fans. Do we
actually witness Padmé die in Episode III? A lot of
people feel that she has to be the catalyst for Anakin's
turn to the Dark Side. While others relay that Leia
mentioned that she remembers her mother from a young
age, thus proving that she lived for at least several
years past Vader's
turn.
GL:
Man! What a fucking dork you are! How do you
remember all that shit? "Hi, I'm Padme! I'm
dying! Please don't turn all Evil,
Anakin!". WAIT. Excuse me, I need to jot this down.
Forget what I just said. THAT SHIT IS
GOLD. Anyway, to answer your question, no, she
doesn't die, but she's pretty fucked
up.
SC:
Nicely put. But how
so?
GL:
How so?! You try birthing someone (Luke) with that kind
of force powers! During delivery, Luke uses the "force
push" and pretty much tears her from ass 'til
breakfast!….
SC:
Damn, George! Is that
necessary?
GL: It looks just like a
JEDI's
SLEEVE!
SC:
That's
disgusting.
GL:
It's true! We don't even need the Sarlacc. She can just
kick off her pants and we'll throw bounty hunters
in there! I'm telling
you!
SC: Oh my god, George.
Seriously. Anyway, keeping with this topic of
birth and what not, in Episode 1, it is revealed that
Anakin was conceived without a father. Do we ever learn
more about this? I always thought it was cool the way
you made the correlation between Anakin's origins and
the divine conception.
GL: Divine whatnow? Do you
even hear yourself talk? Haha. Anyway, I never meant
that Anakin never had a father, it’s quite the
opposite, really. You see, Shmi (Anakin’s mother) REALLY
got around. It could be ANYONE. She'd do just about
anybody! That's why she always looked so
disheveled. You try keeping up appearances when every
trade-merchant and mercenary from the four known
quadrants use your nether-regions as their own personal
docking bay. Heck, even Watto tapped that
ass!
SC:
That’s just
terrible.
GL:
Well, it’s the truth. What else is there to do out in
the desert? I just feel sorry for Cliegg down the road.
He had no idea what kind of damaged goods he was buying.
One minute you're drinking blue milk and minding your
business, and the next your shackled to a Harpy that
puts out for all of Mos
Eisley.
SC: Dear, God. Well, time
us, who is Anakin’s father
then?
GL:
Well, since I like you, well, kind of, I’ll tell you….
Jar Jar is the
father.
SC:
You got to be shitting me. How is
that
possible?
GL:
Jar Jar is hung like an elephant, that’s how "it’s
possible". That's also how he swims so fast. It cuts
through the water like a butter-knife through mashed
potatoes!
SC:
Thanks a lot for that
visual.
GL:
No problem. And if you think that's something, wait
until you see the love scene between Anakin and Padmé!
We’re talking hardcore, full frontal here. It's great
stuff. That Padmé is a real Bantha in the
sack!
SC:
Umm,
what?
GL:
You know, I'm cleverly exchanging the word 'minx' for
an animal that ties into my created
universe. It's brilliant and creative writing and it
took me like only 2 minutes to think
up.
SC:
(said under my breath) Kind of like the plots of
the last two
movies...
GL:
What was
that?
SC:
Umm, nothing. You're right. It's awesome and really
deep.
GL:
You should hear my correlations between love and
granules of sand in the desert then! It'd bring a
tear to your
eye.
SC:
Yup. I have no doubt I'd be crying. Destroying my
childhood memories will do
that.
GL:
Say
what?
SC:
Nothing. umm, your a genius or
something.
GL:
Thanks!
SC: No problem. But back to
the topic. Is putting such a graphic sex scene in
the movie really that
necessary?
GL:
No, you misunderstand. That part's not going to be in
the movie. That was just for me. But don't tell Natalie
Portman! Haha. I told her it was an art film
called "BLEW HARVEST". Sucker!
Literally! Ahem. Anyway, you
see, we actually need to keep a PG-13 rating,
so during anything provocative, I'm going to do
quick cuts to a light saber comically going back
into its holster repeatedly, while we see Jar Jar
jump into frame, dance a little bit, and
then yell out "Mesa thinks he's gonna cum!"
Everyone should have a great laugh. It's comedy, you
see.
SC:
Jesus!
GL:
Yes?
SC:
No, I meant, Jesus
Christ.
GL:
Yes, and I answered
you.
SC:
Wait. What's going on
here?
GL:
I have no idea
anymore.
SC:
That makes two of us. Anyway, back on track; the
big story in this chapter is of course Anakin’s actual
metamorphoses into "Darth Vader" both physically and
spiritually.
GL:
Who says? It's about love, actually. The love that can
only happen between a director and a lot of
money.
SC:
What?
GL: Umm, I mean, ya, you’ll
see how he goes dark side. This I
promise.
SC:
And how does that happen? Is he tricked by Palpatine?
Does he feel betrayed by Obi
Wan?
GL:
It’s the dental plan,
actually.
SC:
What?
GL:
Listen. The Dude fell into
some fucking "Lava". The Darkside has full
medical coverage, the Jedi’s don’t. It’s pretty cut and
dry.
SC:
That’s the dumbest thing I've ever
heard.
GL:
Well, what can you do? It's my vision. And in my vision,
Vader has the good sense to go for full benefits. Plus,
the Darkside gave him a far better financial portfolio.
He sunk a shitload of imperial credits into Death Star
Stock, and well, I don't think I need to tell you that
paid dividends for about two
decades.
SC:
Yeah. Okay. Well, what about Samuel L. Jackson? How does
he buy it in this
movie?
GL:
Well, as it turns out, the day Anakin begins hunting
down Jedi, Mace Windu has a real spiritual conflict. He
decides this is his last job, and he's getting out of
the killing racket altogether. Then he gets held up by
amateur thieves in a
diner....
SC:
Wait. That sounds really
familiar....
GL:
And ya, there's this really hilarious part where he's
arguing with Yoda.
Yoda: "Going to Dagobah, I
must."
Mace: "Say Dagobah again,
Motherfucker! I dare you! I double dog dare you!"
Yoda: "Dagobah my
saying?"
Mace: "Do they speak English on
Dagobah?"
Yoda: "umm, actually they don't speak
any language, because I'll be there in complete
solitary loneliness, you know, so the Darkside can't
track me
down."
Mace: "Wait. Aren't you s'pose to
talk that backwards
shit?"
Yoda: "Holy shit, you're right. Ahem.
Going to Dagobah, I
am!"
Mace: "SAY DAGOBAH AGAIN,
MOTHERFUCKER!"
GL:
This carries on for like 35 minutes. It's tremendous
writing. We're hearing Oscar buzz
already.
SC:
Really? How's that
possible?
GL:
No, I mean, Frank Oz, who plays Yoda. He's
also Oscar on Sesame Street. He really liked
it.
SC:
Holy shit, I think we should wrap this up. Tell us,
what’s on tap for George Lucas
next?
GL:
Well, I’m actually going to be filming another
prequel….
SC:
ANOTHER
prequel?
GL:
Yes. With the success we anticipate with Episode III,
we’ve decided to film a mini-sequel that will bridge the
gap between Episodes 3 and 4. It’s called: "Star
Wars: Episode 3 ½ : Again with The Jedis!?".
It'll basically be a teenaged Luke shooting Womp
rats for 2 hours. You'll buy it and love it. And buy
it.
SC:
You said that part
already.
GL:
No, I mean it. You'll be buying it twice. I plan on
re-releasing it about 2 more times before
2008.
SC: Let's end this
already. Dear god. Have you ever thought about
breaking away from Star Wars altogether? Maybe trying
your hand at another genre? You know, so you're not
pigeon-holed as a
one-trick-pony?
GL:
Funny you should mention that. I *do* have
something else on the
horizon.
SC:
Oh yeah? Great! Tell
us!
GL:
Well, it’s a sweeping saga, kind of in the mold of the
1930’s serials; it'll see a young wide-eyed farm-boy
plucked from his boring existence and thrust into the
middle of a full scale rebellion against an oppressive
dictatorship! He'll have a wise mentor and in the end
he'll learn of the deep dark secret of his parentage!…
It should really be
something!
SC:
Umm,
George?….
GL:
Yes?
SC:
Forget it. We're
done.
GL:
(Waving his hand again). Leave your wallet on the side
table on your way
out...
SC:
George. It won't
work.
GL:
You
sure?
SC:
I'm pretty
sure.
GL:
Shit.
I'm
Sean.
