QUICK & DIRTY REVIEW:
FRIDAY THE 13TH~!
(2009)
By Sean
Carless
Movie:
FRIDAY THE
13th
YEAR:
2009.
STARRING: Jared Padalecki, Danielle
Panabaker, Amanda Reghetti, Derek Mears,Travis Van
Winkle, Rip Van Winkle, Willa
Ford.
RATED:
R; For Violence, Tittays, angry
retards.
WARNING: Sean
Carless does not review movies like Roger
Ebert. There are no literary refrences, witty
analogies and clever insight. Instead, replaced therein
is... well, you'll see. I'm the "people's" movie critic.
Just not any people you've ever met. You'll thank
yourself soon enough for
that.
[THE FOLLOWING
AS ALWAYS IS WRITTEN IN INSANE-STREAM OF
CONSCIOUSNESS-RANTING. BE WARNED.]
You know, most
retards and mongoloids are happy to just hang out at the
bus station or the fucking food court all day being a
pest to everyone, but not our friend Mr. Voorhees. No
sir. With the exception of Life Goes On’s Corky and
maybe Forrest Gump, never before has one retard so risen
above his station and exceeded expectations of what is
and isn't possible in the world of advanced learning
disability. It’s true. Jason craves
more. Jason is not satisfied to wear his Dad’s
pastel blue pants pulled up to his nipples and Velcro
shoes until he’s 60.The same slime
covered cover-alls? Maybe. But do those cover-alls
have his name indelibly written in marker in the
inside collar just in case he ever loses them?
NO. And that's because Jason is his
own retard.
You see, unlike
his collective mongoloid brethren, our friend Jason has
decided to give himself a purpose in life other than eating
glue-sticks and moronically chatting to every single
person that passes by while he stocks tin cans in the
super-market. And sure, his “purpose” is savagely
murdering teenagers in the name of revenge for mother’s
decapitation and subsequent ruining of a perfectly good
woolen powdered-blue cardigan turtleneck, but at least
the motherfucker’s being productive—and had the dignity
of not having his aged mother dressing him well into his
thirties like other disabled. Seriously. Ever seen an
impeccably dressed person with Down’s Syndrome? Or even
one that picks out their own clothes at all? Of
course not. Jason’s got a leg up there. Literally.
He just hacked it off.
Let’s face it;
any which way you slice it—with a machete or
pick-axe—Jason Voorhees is a modern day retard success
story. Our boy’s marching to the beat of his
own drummer. Then killing him. Probably with said
drums in a comically ridiculous fashion. But hey, that’s
why I love him.
This takes us
to FRIDAY THE 13th, a re-imagining of the
1980 original by the man (Marcus Nispel) who directed
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre re-make that saw
Jessica Biel
running around in the tightest
clothing imaginable, and holy shit,
that’s enough for me—Chainsaws? Killings?
I must have missed it! He totally had me at
hello.
But
then, I inquired further. I discovered that the
film was produced by one MICHAEL BAY
. Now,
I will admit, when I heard Bay was attached to this
product—and not in the literal way I’d normally hope;
wrapped in chains floating at the bottom of the lake for
eternity like Jason—I got worried. I mean, how could I
not? I all of a sudden got the visual of the film’s
protagonist being a grubby marine JUST TRYING TO
GET HOME TO SEE HIS BABY GIRL FOR THE FIRST
TIME~! Of course followed immediately
by the big end-film payoff, where Jason chases the
surviving campers in a tricked out muscle-car whose horn
goes “ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma.” BUT MY GOD THE
EXPLOSIONS. They'll make you forget what you saw was
well, pretty much what you saw in EVERY FUCKING
BAY MOVIE. There may also be an oddly placed
neurotic heavy-set black man involved in the
plot nonsensically, just to lighten the
mood! But man, his erratic behavior is
HI-larious.
However,
luckily for us, we were spared. Although, there's
probably some out there who eat all their meals
pureed for their own safety who'd have likely found
said scenarios awesome. Almost as awesome as
untrained miners somehow landing on a moving asteroid
and yet somehow not being sucked deep into the
unending void of space due to the trajectory!!!! ALMOST. But hey, how else are you
going to save the Earth? Actual missiles and not cowboys
with no astronaut training? Maybe.
So, yes, there
were no Bay fingerprints here at all. None
whatsoever. Hell, there was even nudity. Seriously! Actual titties!
I mean, Michael Bay always hires the hottest women
for his movies, but they never gear down. Never. And I’m always left
sitting there awkwardly holding my penis going ‘what the
fuck!’. Then of course apologizing to the rest of the
people in the Theater before the police are called. Come
on, people! It’s dark! How much could you really
see? I mean, sure, I’m standing in the aisle
without pants, but that’s no excuse. Masturbation
is just nature’s way of saying “Hey, here’s my
penis. And this is what I’m doing with it.” How
dare you impede on such a natural moment between
man and penis and perhaps an oversized novelty
popcorn bag.
So, this
takes us to the movie at hand. A pretty fair take on the
original series, only condensed and homogenized for
today’s bug-light attention-spanned youth. Not that it
needed it too badly, however. Because I must warn
you, continuity is to Friday the 13th films
as "laughs" and "not sucking" are to the
Epic/Superhero/Disaster movies. It's true. I mean, take
Friday the 13th Part 2 for
example. Jason's rocking a pretty good
Lo-Pan
special as far as hair goes...then just 24
hours later in Friday the 13th Part 3, buddy's somehow
found a Gillette and some gel, and gotten
himself a pretty nifty haircut. (and put on 30
pounds). I'd have hated to be that barber.
But hey, that’s
not all! Hell, Friday's 2, 3 & 4 are only
supposed to be literally days apart, so by the time
Friday 4 is over, we're at like Monday the 16th. And
that shit just sounds silly! I think! (Note to
teenagers; you might want to put off camping until, I
don’t know, the 20th? Just
saying.).
Plus... in
Friday the 13th Part 8, somehow a simple
lake-cruise ends up in the fucking
Atlantic Ocean. That's some sweet
nature-defying segue there. Almost as
sweet as being returned to childlike form after being
melted by toxic waste...then somehow regaining
full-adult decomposed form by the next film...in which
you’re blown up...then puked into different bodies via
miniature demons. (Don't ask.).
So, yes,
continuity is forgiven. And forgotten. With drugs. Lot's
of them.
The film opens
up with a quick & dirty of the actual first film,
where Pamela Voorhees annihilated a group of teenagers
with the most unfortunate sweater imaginable. But
not this time. Now she’s younger and
infinitely more hittable. Or even hittable,
since the original Mrs. Voorhees in 1980 was like a
mixture between Mr. Rogers and dehydrated apple doll. In
this version, Mrs. Voorhees is played
by Start Trek Deep Space Nine's Nana Visitor. (her
brother Grandad Housegust couldn't make it). Man.
Captain Sisko is going to be so
pissed.
Anyhoo, Mrs. V
is all racked with some retroactive rage over her son
drowning when teenaged camp counselors were ALL fucking
instead of watching a lone mongoloid take a midnight
dip. Ya, though choice there. Corky’d have hit the lake
floor on my watch, too. But that said, what
camp exists where everyone’s getting laid
constantly? And holy shit, is 32 too old to be a
counselor? ‘Cause come on. The highlight of my counselor
career saw me turn over the same fat kid who kept
capsizing in his fiberglass canoe, not getting the
sweet stuff nightly. I feel gypped.
So, ya, Mrs.
Voorhees is a little angry and murders everyone—but that
shit goes south fast, because her last victim turns the
table and decapitates her with a machete. You know how
it is.
This of course
is witnessed by her suddenly non-drowned living son,
Jason, who emerges from the bushes seconds later to
share a tender moment with Mom’s dome, and pick up the
machete. GREAT TIMING, JAY. You picked a
pretty opportune time to suddenly show up. You know, A
LOT of trouble could have maybe been avoided had you
just revealed yourself to Mommy like one day before. “Ya, by the way Mom,
I’m still alive. You don’t need to murder teenagers now.
I’m like ok.” I’m telling
you.
Of course, this
is assuming that Mrs. Voorhees was not aware that Jason
was alive. Because if she was, holy shit, what a
stickler! Being hired as her babysitter must have been a
REAL PAIN. One night, you let Jason eat an extra pudding
or stay up an extra 10 minutes, and bam! Suddenly you
and all your friends are missing a few appendages.
That's hardly worth the ten dollars. 15? Maybe
then I'd be willing to lose an arm. I only
need one anyway.
Oh, and here’s
a question? How did one loan mongoloid boy carrying a
severed head go undetected in the scene of a huge grisly
murder? Especially since buddy's house is like
maybe fifteen feet from the crime scene? God bless the
crack detectives of Crystal
Lake!
Anyway, this
was supposed to be 1980, and we flash to “present
day” and a new group of teenagers setting up camp
in the middle of the woods. Which, leads me to the
question, of ALL THE WOODS, why do teenagers keep
camping here? How is that people have not clued in that
maybe, just maybe, this is not a reasonable place to
erect a tent? Two words, motherfuckers: GOOGLE MAPS.
Save yourself a lot of grief.
That said,
the teenagers in question are two hot chicks, two
dudes, and one loser. And the big plot device in this
moment is that there is a crop of cannabis in the area,
just ripe for stealing and in turn selling! Seems like a
solid plan. I wonder if Matthew McConaughey has a
cottage up this way. It’d make sense. "Do you have a
machete? It's be a lot coooooler if ya
did."
From
there, adult Jason is waiting to systematically
annihilate them in short order; but not before we get
our first nude scene! Hey, since when do 17 year old
girls have breast implants? And where can I meet
them?
The first
victim is of course the one dude who doesn’t get laid.
Isn’t that always the way. To me, these poor schmoes are
the real victims of the
franchise. Because, sure, their friends get killed, too,
but at least they get to shuffle off this mortal coil
with significantly emptier balls than what they started
with. Nothing doing for
these poor hapless bastards, though. They get to die for
simply being nerdy, undersexed and
generally ridiculous. Which would be a death
sentence for all of my readers, AMIRITEORWHAT? High
five! What?
The couple
fucking in the tent gets Jason-ized next, with
Implants McGee being grabbed in her sleeping bag and
held over the fire by Jason. Huh. I’d have never pegged
Jason to have the patience for S’mores. Her boyfriend of
course then does what any
boyfriend would do in that situation, he
chivalrously runs away into the woods, but uh oh,
BEAR-TRAP. I hate when that happens.
Meanwhile, the
other couple, Whitney (the female protagonist) and her
boyfriend hike the area and find Jason’s house. Hey,
look, there’s his bed which says “Jason” on it. You
know, just in case you can't figure out that the only
lived-in cabin in the area just might belong to
the asshole killing everyone like 50 feet
away. Buddy’s also not the best house-keeper
in the world, what can I say. But this shit still looks
better than my Apt. after I first moved out, so
kudos. Even if the heads I keep in my closet shrine are
a little more presentable.
With that in
mind, yes, Whitney finds Mrs. Voorhees severed head
in a closet. Which I must say is holding reasonably well
for 30 years of open-air decomposition. Mrs.
Voorhees must have exfoliated A
LOT.
From there,
Whitney then finds a locket, which she opens to reveal a
woman’s face that her boyfriend tells her that she
resembles. WARNING: MAJOR PLOT
DEVICE. She then puts it on, ‘cause there ain’t
no ubiquitous woolen sweater laying around. (‘Cause
Lord, knows, when a teenage girl puts on my Mom’s
sweaters, I’m like “holy shit, suddenly 17 year old hot
Mom, is that you?”).
Jason
then of course returns home, and does what
we’ve all done when we have
unwanted visitors (not Nana); he hides under the
floor boards and attempts to impale them. That'll
teach the Jehovah’s Witnesses that no means
no!
In the ensuing
chaos, the boyfriend of course eats the machete
and gets dragged down by Jason and finished
off. RULE #1 OF FRIDAY MOVIES: Jason
does not believe in monogamy! The person you come into
Crystal Lake
with in a relationship ain’t
the dude you’re leaving with— if you leave at all! But
no worries; you strangely get over that shit unnaturally
fast in horror movies! “New love” has a way of making
you forget all the horrors you’ve witnessed! You may
even have time for light joking and cute banter
immediately after you kill your antagonist! I don’t make
the rules.
After parting
with her boyfriend (umm, literally), Whitney runs back
to camp, locket in-tow, where she now sees her friend
locked in a bear trap, and her girlfriend on fire in a
sleeping bag…which she doesn’t even bother to
fully put out. Smokey’s gonna be pissed. (But
alive, ‘cause Dude’s occupying the
bear-trap!).
Bear-trap dude
then begs to be freed from said trap from there, to
which Whitney tries to oblige, but holy shit, here comes
Jason Voorhees with a 4 second forty yard dash. He’s
like Carl Lewis. Only white. And invincible. And ya.
Jason then plunges the machete right into the guy’s
head, and YES, RUBBERIZED HEAD MOMENT~! Sometimes the
classics still work, damn it. It's up there for me
with Rubber Travolta in Broken Arrow, which will
forever be the Citizen kane of shitty unmoving
rubber-death dolls.
This just
leaves Whitney vs. Jason, who’s rockin’ a sweet
cycloptic pillowcase over his face. This guy must’ve
been a fucking bust at Halloween. The scene then
ends before Whitney’s presumed demise.
AMBIGUITY~!
Fast forward
six weeks. New teenagers; three hotties, and four
dudes.
Fourth dude obviously failed at math. Some
friends. You always make sure
there are equal parts chicks/dudes. That’s the first
rule of being a dude. Sometimes even
numbers gets you laid. Other times it’s lots and
lot’s of alcohol. And if you’re me, it’s all of the
above.
As
for our new batch of nubile teenagers, we have the vapid
hotties, Bree & Chelsea; the sweet and demure
girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker,) her asshole
boyfriend, Trent , another mop-headed douchebag; a token
black guy (Lawrence); and a toking Asian (Chewie!)--
what he lacks in sex appeal and presence he makes up for
in weed and well-timed annoying comebacks! Oh, he's so
dead. FRIDAY RULE # 2:
YOU CAN NEVER BE NERDY OR FUNNY AND EXPECT TO LIVE. If
you're a dude and you survive, you must be misunderstood
and dangerous~! And strangely carry a backpack
everywhere.
Now, I could give you the rest of
the plot blow by blow, but you know what? Fuck you. I
paid 10 bucks, you didn’t. You’re getting the quick and
dirty from here on in.
Enter Brooding,
handsome stranger Clay Miller, (Jared Padalecki) who’s
on the lookout for his still-missing sister Whitney. He
runs into Jenna & Trent in a corner store whilst
handing out pamphlets of said sister. Of course,
there is an instant attraction between Jenna & Clay,
because as mentioned, Trent is an asshole.
Which leads to FRIDAY RULE #
3: If you're a douchebag, you will
die...horribly... however, you'll likely get laid
by a hotty first. As mentioned, Nerds get no such luck
in movies. Because, you see, even in death, the
odds are always stacked in the prick's
favor. Ah, god bless horror movie cliches. The only
place where a chick learns that her current beau is a
cocksucker and guys like him are not worth dating
only after nearly every one of her friends get
annihilated first.
Clay carries on
his quest from there, making his way to a dirtball
mechanic, who is no help…to him…but luckily for Jason
(after slashing his throat) he just happens to have a
goalie mask lying around in the middle of a garage...in
the middle of the woods. Makes sense. You never know
when a full game might break out in the depths of the
forest, necessitating the proper gear.
Anyway, long story short, the
whole motley crew now head back to Trent’s cabin, but
somehow Clay ends up knocking on the door there, too,
looking for his sister. Trent gives him the
gears again, so Jenna decides that she’ll go with him
and help him on his quest, and not just because his
plight is a WHOLE LOT MORE APPEALING ‘CAUSE
MOTHERFUCKER’S ALL DREAMY AND SHIT. Seriously. I’d like
to see what would have happened if Clay was morbidly
obese and balding and had a hare-lip. “Ya, I know
nothing’s changed; your sister is still missing and all,
but come on, you’re just not hunky enough for me to help
you aimlessly search for her. Come back when
you’re all 6'3" and hair and teeth and I’ll share
your moped.”
While Jenna
& Clay ride off on his motorcycle, moppy-headed
douchebag and Chelsea head out to the
lake. And it must be said. The 1980’s tributes continue,
because thus far, almost every asshole in this
movie is rocking the same unfortunate do’s they had
during the first movies in the early 80’s. HAVE WE NOT
LEARNED ANYTHING IN 30 YEARS? No
one goes to the hairdresser’s and asks “Make me
look like He-Man.” Jesus Christ.
Speaking of the AWESOME
1980's, NOTHING will ever touch Friday the 13th Part
3's sweet Disco remix. Can't you just picture
Jason cutting a rug~?!...then wrapping up a dismembered
body in it...
Once at the
lake, Chelsea and MHDB go out for some COMPLETELY
REALISTIC TOPLESS WAKE-BOARDING. YES~! Titty sighting
number two! Funny, I can never seem to get anyone to
take their top off whenever I go boating. Maybe because
I’ve only went with family members. Maybe. Still
worth a shot, though.
Anyway, Jason
is SO not a fan of extreme sports, so he shoots
moppy-headed douchebag through the head with a bow and
arrow from the shore, and Chelsea is left to swim her
way back after wiping out minutes earlier (good thing
she has own in-built floatation devices! I’m not going
to say she’s packin' a little plastic upstairs, but
all of a sudden my 1982 Skeletor figure is lookin’
pretty au natural.).
With that in
mind, it must be said. WHY WOULD
ANYONE HAVE EVER PICKED ON THIS DUDE AT
CAMP? Jason's has skills, and he has access
to more weed than anyone not named Cheech or Chong I’ve
ever met. I would have totally hung with the guy in high
school. I’d have just hid the
silverware.
From there,
Chelsea
attempts to
make her escape by swimming under the dock, but
ultimately gets shish-kabobed through the skull by
Jason’s machete. See, this is where I’d have cast, say
Paris Hilton. If only for her to just shrug her
shoulders and triumphantly state “missed me” when Jason
penetrates her brain. But hey, that’s just
me.
Meanwhile,
Jenna & Clay are continuing their elusive sister
search when they come across my favorite FRIDAY STAPLE:
The crazy old coot! Every horror
movie usually has them. They’re the conscience of the
story, with a foreboding message to leave now~! They’re
always conspicuously filthy as well. THERE AIN’T TIME
FOR BATHING WHEN THERE'S THEM THERE TRUTH TO
SPREAD.
Anyhoo, said
coot tells Clay that his sister’s not missing…she’s dead. Always the
optimist.
This leads Clay
& Jenna out to the woods again where they find
Jason’s shack, and we learn that Whitney is in fact
STILL ALIVE, secretly held captive in a fully lit,
booby-trapped bunker with bells and whistles below the
ground. So, what, Jason pays a fucking electric bill?
Collecting on that has to be interesting.
God bless this
franchise. Our aforementioned friend continuity has
no-showed again.
Seriously. So, what, Jason can create elaborate
traps, wire a bunker with electricity and set up a bell
system to identify intruders, but he can’t fashion
himself a mask out of anything other than a fucking
pillowcase? And where exactly does a seven foot dude
who’s been living in the woods by himself for 29 years
even find coveralls and boots that fit his gigantic
frame? Maybe Jay rolls into town and robs the Big &
Tall & Undead on weekends? Who
knows.
Anyway,
Jenna and Clay spot Jason coming “home” carrying a
series of dismembered bodies over his shoulder in sacks,
so they hide under the cabin until they make their
getaway. Jason then continues down into his
aforementioned bunker where he responsibly disposes of
the bodies to the horror of the chained-up Whitney. Man,
it’s like his own version of recycling! I had no idea
Jason was green! Imagine what he’d do to you if you had
the audacity to not bundle your newspapers or wash out
your tin cans! Seriously. Add a few beheadings to
the mix, and I guarantee you EVERYONE starts
recycling.
That said,
whilst Jason is busy separating the corpses into their
according blue bins, Whitney rummages through a gym bag
that Jason left behind to discover that it belongs
to Clay due to the endless photocopies of herself
in there. She then finds a busted GPS, and uses the wire
inside to try and escape, but she is stymied by Jason
who only stops the inevitable hurtin’ when he notices
Mommy’s locket around her neck. Man. For a dude who
thinks this teenaged girl is Mom, he sure treats her
pretty poorly. I just usually save Mom’s torture and
leg-irons for the holidays, myself. You know, when
it’s special.
It’s now time
to weed through remaining douchebags! The clock is
ticking. Back at the cabin, the remaining meat puppets
all dance and get stoned. The Tokin’ Asian, Chewie,
accidentally breaks Trent’s table and heads out to the
shed—and not the Millennium Falcon (Mirrennium Farcon?)—
to look for tools to repair it post haste, whilst Trent
himself goes off to secretly fuck Bree, and the lone
dude, Lawrence, attempts to jerk off to the SEARS
catalogue (a moment I too can relate to…. much to
chagrin of the ladies working at the in-store pickup
area! What? Am I doing it wrong?).
Whilst in the
shed, Chewie meets his unfortunate end when Jason
commandeers a screwdriver and plunges it into Chewie’s
throat—which on the bright side is at least a second
hole to stick the bong hose. That said, in
honor of his name, would it be too much to ask that his
last-minute gurgle resemble a Wookiee call? I mean,
really?
Anyway, back at
the cabin, masturbating
Lawrence
(that’ll I
call Hand-Solo in honor of his disposed friend in the
shed) is confronted by a returning Jenna & Clay, who
come to warn them about Jason. I’d have still finished
myself. Nature’s already taken its course. You can’t
bottle that shit now.
Meanwhile,
upstairs, Bree rides
Trent
like a buckin’
bronco, and we get tit-shot number 3, and in my
ever-so-humble opinion, they are spectacular. They get
one thumb up, and one hand occupied, in my book—a book
whose pages are all stuck together! You know because I’m
jerking off! And destroying the subtlety of this joke
just because I feel like it! Ya!
Jenna tries to
bang on the door from there, but Trent is preoccupied
with, well banging Bree. This guy is all kinds of subtle
when it comes to lying to his own girlfriend about
infidelity. “Fuck off!” is not the approach I’d use when
confronted with being unfaithful, but hey, whatever
works, right?
Anyway, with
Chewie still missing, Lawrence gets antsy,
and goes outside to look for him, much to the chagrin of
Jenna & Clay. And I agree completely. Come on, bro. Use
your head. You’re black. This is a horror movie. Unless
your last name is umm, Cool J? this shit never works out for your race! By
my count, the only black person to ever survive Jason
was in Part 5, and that shit wasn’t even legit Jason!
I’d call racism on this, but come on. There’s nothing
remotely racist about a white dude hiding his face with
a sheet whilst hunting black people in the middle of the
night. Ahem.
Lawrence then
ends up finding Chewie’s corpse, and runs back to the
cabin as fast as he can—however, Jason is waiting and
breaks out his own record breaking sprint and follow-up
axe toss which of course hits our token black guy in the
back with pinpoint accuracy (Let me axe you a
question!). The message here? A dude who’s lived at camp
for 30 fucking years is going to master the horse-shoes
and ring toss, so you don’t have a chance. Just give up
now.
At this point
everyone is panicking in the cabin as
Lawrence
begs outside, axe-end still
embedded in his back. Jason however humanely puts him
down by picking him up and slamming him down on the
ground so the end fully penetrates his body. He’s like a
gentle angel of mercy!
Back inside,
Trent
goes upstairs and
gets a gun, which, for whatever reason, Clay takes
offense at. “A gun?” he asks incredulously, almost
offended like it was the worst idea ever. Ya, ‘cause the
whole “running aimlessly for your life through the woods
unarmed” approach has been working out gangbusters so
far.
Jason makes his
way into the house from there, and Bree gets it upstairs
in the bathroom when Jason rams her back-first into a
pair of strategic antlers mounted on the wall. Oh god,
that’s just horrible. I mean, Antlers on a
bathroom wall? Who told them that looked
good?
The one local
police officer arrives next, armed with a flashlight
with ZERO backup. Hey, let’s just pretend we haven’t
established that 5 teenagers have already disappeared
and the townsfolk pretty much know who’s responsible.
What’s the worst that could happen today? Turns out the
worst that could happen is our boy-in-blue getting
stabbed through the eye by Jason. The only thing missing
to hammer this scene home is his dying words of “I only had one more
day to retirement!” Oh well.
Outside, Trent,
Jenna & Clay all scramble feverishly looking for
their car keys but nothing doing. You know, some people put their keys in their
pockets. But hey, why do that, when you can just leave
them in the ignition and hope for the best in the throws
of ultimate tragedy? Obviously.
Anyway, after
magnanimously declaring that Jenna should just leave
Clay to die,
Trent
now
goes
running off into the woods by himself, with Jason in
pursuit.
After dropping
his gun in a pond,
Trent
makes his way to
the road where a Tow-truck ominously stops and waves him
over. For a split second, I question if Jason is
actually full-retard-savant and is actually driving this
truck. But my answer comes when
Trent
is grabbed from behind and slammed on a
tow-hook as the truck speeds off with him still
attached. My first honest question flooding my mind from
there was: does that count as a tow? Because if I was
his family, I think I’d haggle the price given the
circumstances. But hey, that’s just
me.
Meanwhile, Clay & Jenna are
now seen on the run as well; and what better place to
seek shelter than the very same house belonging to the
very same killer that you already fled in terror
from just an hour earlier? ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH?
Probably. But hey, what do I know? THIS TIME THINGS
COULD BE DIFFERENT. They just won't be.
This of course
allows Clay to *finally* discover the hidden tunnel and
free his sister! They share a moment, but unfortunately,
Friday’s RULE # 4 is in
effect! There can only be one
man and one woman
allowed to battle Jason in the film’s finale, so
good-bye, Jenna. Poor girl. She didn’t even break
any horror rules! She was sweet, she never had sex,
never showed her breasts, and was helpful! If
only Whitney had fucked her boyfriend in the opening
scene, Jenna could have lived. Oh
well.
The final
pursuit takes our reunited siblings to a
car garage. And only in Friday movies will you find
all sorts of blunt weapons of death in said garage
like machetes and sickles. If it was say,
my garage, Jason's only weapon of choice would be a
giant pair of rubberized knee-high green fishing boots
and perhaps a series of conveniently stacked cardboard
boxes filled with magazines. THE
HUMANITY.
Jason &
Clay battle it out from there in this dimly lit garage,
and in the ensuing madness the WOOD CHIPPER starts. This
can’t end well.
With Jason seemingly having Clay’s number, it is
now time for Whitney to play the Mommy factor. She pulls
out the locket and calls to him, telling him that 'he
can stop now'. She only tries this now? This shit could
have been REAL handy six weeks ago,
bitch!
Jason of course
gets all goo-goo-eyed and distracted in the interim,
buying Clay time to recover. I personally blame
this distraction on her wet clingy top myself and not
her persuasive method acting abilities, but hey, I'm no
director!—well, unless you count the secret films I make
from tree tops through windows! Shhhh. Our little
secret! ;).
Anyway, with
both of these distractions to Jason—since let's
face it, the only head this dude gets is in a
closet surrounded by candles—this allows Clay to grab a
trusty BEAR TRAP, (because they are after all very
applicable to automobile repair!) and plunge it into
Jason’s back, before wrapping a chain around his neck,
which then hangs him, before becoming snared in the
wood-chipper which sucks Jason in—but not before Whitney
stabs him in the chest, and utters our payoff line of
“Say Hi to Mommy… in Hell!”
Jason then
responds surprisingly, “Actually, Mommy was a devout
follower of Christ, and by proxy was forgiven for her
sins and now resides comfortably in paradise as per the
very rules of the religion. Nice try, though.” It just
sounded like indifferent silence. Trust me. I’ve got
great ears.
The film then
concludes with Clay & Whitney dumping his
corpse off the pier. YES, the pier. “ HEY WHITNEY,
NO ONE WILL EVER FIND THE BODY HERE JUST TWO FEET OUT
FROM THE DOCK.”
And oh ya,
Jason’s still alive and explodes through thee dock for
the final scream. I was hoping for a Scooby-Doo ending
myself; a rubber mask revealing the old woman from
earlier. “And I’d
have gotten away with it, too, if not for you meddling
kids!” But you know, that might just be
me.
So, what have
we learned here today kids? I’ll tell you. DON’T MESS WITH JASON VOORHEES’
STASH. Think about it. All the shit started going
down when buddy at the beginning fucked with Jason’s
crop. What else is an inbred retard giant going to do in
the middle of buttfuck nowhere? Those kids had it
coming, clearly. It also explains to me how he survived
drowning. Taking on a bowl helps you hold your breath
like no one’s business. So, ya, there you go. Jay’s a
big-time mover and these kids fucked up his whole grow
operation. But maybe it’s for the best. Pot’s a
small-time business. Jason needs to think bigger. This time next year: CAMP
CRYSTAL METH~! Or maybe not.
That all said, I think this film
gets my patented Seal Of
Approval. It satisfied my
quotient for everything I look for in a movie. Clean cut
good looking people being annihilated? Check. Gratuitous
nudity? Check. Retard savants not seen since Rain Man?
(Gotta kill someone at K-Mart! K-Mart!).
Double-check.
What more could you want? An actual explanation
as to how Jason survived the lake, and just how a
mongoloid hermit managed to come up with a deposit for
his Hydro bill? Maybe.
Regardless, for
me, this one gets two thumbs up. And maybe another
appendage every time that Bree chick was on
screen.
COMING SOON~! More FRIDAY THE 13TH
RE-IMAGININGS! KIND OF!
I’m
Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
Credit: Ernest Goes To
Camp Crystal Lake created by...someone?
Yup.
