TWF FANNY AWARDS!

1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."

the nominees: Lex Luger, Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa, Steve Williams, Dynamite Kid, TWF's own Jason Hart;

Sean Carless: Lex Luger. I've picked Scott "Cholesterol" Hall the last two years, and since clearly it's obvious that Hall's drinking has caused the bulk of his organs to become pickled and preserved, I figured The Bad Guy had at least a few more years, so I ultimately decided to go with Lex Luger; who if this year's fuck ups and craziness are any evidence, just might be reunited with Liz before he knows it. (We already know this guy ain't the best at calling 911 so I'd think it's kinda inevitable). Quick! Someone widen the pearly gates, 'cause The ol' Lex Express might be rollin' on in any day now....

James Walker: Luger, Luger, LUGER. If being roided & soma’ed to the moon wasn’t enough, the death of his wife under his watch mustn’t have done anything for his mental health. It’s surprising he hasn’t pulled a Von Erich (i.e. a trigger) on us yet. However, it’s even more surprising that Savage hasn’t written a spiteful rap about him. Anyways, I expect Lex to drop any day for the eternal three count. (Which is, of course, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and Evan Karagian hip-hopping about to synthesized beatz yall in the 7th circle of hell.)

Justin Shapiro: Well, I’m not much for speculating, let alone fucking speculating, about how much longer until someone in the pro wrestling industry is going to expire. However, if I had to, or could, will one of the names on this list into dying, it would probably be Mae Young, because a) she’s well old, and b) she wouldn’t be in any more painfully unfunny skits on Raw. Second choice would be Jake Roberts, just because what a dick.

Doctor Gonzo: Every year I choose the walking contradiction, Mae Young, but this year, I think I’ll have to choose Lex Luger. So in the past few years he’s outlived Curt Hennig, Davey Boy Smith, Eddie Guerrero and Elizabeth, but really, I think Lex may just be responsible for their deaths. Seriously, look how obsessed he is with killing Superman. It’s a good thing the police are going after him, but call in CSI to check out the other deaths as well. I smell a crossover.

Remy: Curt Hennig. The way this guy does Soma, it’s a wonder he didn’t kick it TWO years ago!

Michael Melchor: Lex Luger easily takes this one. Still on steroids...and now arrested for DUI and (surprise!) possession charges! I can understand Sting wanted to give him a chance in TNA a couple years back to try and help the guy straighten up, but you can only help someone if they WANT it. Luger obviously doesn’t – and probably won’t even after he ODs on those damned pills.

Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Reverend Billy Graham. He may shine the light of the jesus into people's hearts with his traveling ministry, but he’s gotta be getting up there. I means just look at him. Its hard to believe that he once pinned Bruno Sammartino for the WWF belt!! (Although, I suspect that he whispered into Bruno’s ear the secret to bigtime eternal salvation then rolled him up with an assist from the holy spirit and such while he was all stunned with that precious soul saving information! IT’S BRILLIANT!!!

My 2nd runner up is Dynamite Kid. To get a nickname like that he’s got to play around with explosives a lot. Not smart. (he’s already in a wheel chair and he still fiddles about with TNT, risking being blown up or killed even? Ridiculous!)

Cameron Burge: Mae Young’s still alive? I thought she had long since converted to the Living Dead. I guess I need to give this category to a three way tie between Jake Roberts, Scott Hall, and Lex Luger who seem to be in a neck and neck race to the finish line. Lex is pulling ahead, but I hear Scott Hall is pulling in from behind and may be a last minute winner. I look at it like the old Hope or Pope betting pool (Bob Hope "won." Take that, Augustine, you dead old fart!).

Renee: It’s Mae Young for me. For the life of me I can’t see why the old bitch is still kickin’. I mean I wish death on no one but shit she’s old!!

Richard Waters: Last year for the false finish of the year I voted Mae Young. This year I got a personal look at Jake Roberts. He appeared on WWE TV to build Taker/Orton and man did he look awful. That and his voice was cracklier then Bob Orton's. Good GAWD was he shitty. I'll be surprised if he's a candidate for next year...

Joe Merrick: I have to go with Mae Young here. I swear to God, no matter what is happening on RAW, no matter what the angle is, they ALWAYS find a way to bring her back so she can be a part of it. Just goes to show that there really ARE too much preservatives in food today, because that’s the only reason I can come up with why a woman who’s face is melting and resembles Freddy Kruger AND takes bumps is STILL ALIVE.

Witzdude: Fabulous Moolah wins this one, no contest. To quote Greg Giraldo, this chick has sand in her vagina even when she isn’t at the beach. She probably babysat Bobby Heenan, for fuck’s sake. Honorable mention goes to Luger, for getting caught with drugs and not overdosing, YET AGAIN.

2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.

the nominees: Mark Jindrak, Matt Morgan, Kenzo Suzuki, Rhino, The 2004 WWE Diva Search cling-ons, Maven, The Hebners;

Sean Carless: Although poor pregnant Dawn Marie probably was axed the worst (marking the first time someone has aborted the mother) my ultimate pick is Mark Jindrak. After years of having no discernable charisma whatsoever, and despite multiple attempts to get his ass over, WWE finally threw in the towel and told the guy to take a (incredible vertical) leap. About fucking time.

James Walker: You know, none of those nominees can compare to the Brothers Hebner. I mean, being Canadian, I’ll always hold a grudge against Earl; but the day that I heard he was canned, I think our whole country shared an inner ‘haw haw haw’. Of all the firings this year, the Hebners got canned for the most legit reason – they were ripping the WWE off. Incase you’re not a dirtsheet extraordinaire like I, the Hebners were stealing WWE merch, and selling it in their sports paraphernalia shop back home. WWE caught wind of this, and the guys were gone faster than Booker T at a Wendy’s. The only thing that makes me sad about this is the fact that ‘YOU SCREWED BRET AND GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED’ isn’t that good of a chant. Pity.

Justin Shapiro: I dunno, who had less business getting signed in the first place, Kenzo Suzuki or Joy Giovanni? I suppose Joy was as qualified as everyone else they brought in like her, and I can’t say the same about Kenzo. Plus she had some babies. The winning fuck-up is Kenzo Suzuki.

Doctor Gonzo: Wow, what a great list to choose from. It’s pretty funny that they are now cutting ties with all those worthless contestants that they used, and who they signed even when they lost the contests too. Maven, gone. Puder, gone. Jackie Gayda, gone. Christy Hemme, gone. There are some others that I can’t remember right now. In the end though, I would really have to go with Mark Jindrak. After his WWCW tag partner was cut unjustly years ago, Jindrak managed to Billy Gunn his way onto staying on the roster for a while, despite having no talent and no charisma and blowing it numerous times. Kenzo is ranked right up there, but I liked his gimmick.

Remy: Matt Morgan. He got a one-way ticket on the Hossville train down the line of unemployment to the station of MISERY. There he will get in the taxicab of depression, ride down the streets of sadness, and get off at the hotel of MISERY. Wait … I used that one already …

Michael Melchor: I love it. The Diva Search and Tough Enough were hyped to hell and shoved down our throats to the point where we couldn’t stand it. And see what happens? Maybe WWE has learned that reality TV isn’t the best place to find your next star, as virtually NO ONE from either abominable program/segment series is left to tell the tale of excrement-infested gym bags and ridiculous demands. Good riddance (except for Christy, who was at least trying to learn her craft and who’s dedication could have been good for the company as a whole).

Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Christopher Fred guy from this very website last year. Because of that I never got to find out who won that dangerous scrambled egg cage match in Ring of Honor. Sad.

Cameron Burge: Rather than give my pick to the last remnant of Tough Enough, Maven, I’ll give it to his eyebrows which seemed to precede him out of the company. Maven’s eyebrows were basically the facial hair equivalent of the Hope Diamond, and their loss was a tragic one. My only question is, "Where was the flashy music video tribute then?"

Renee: MMMMatt Morgan for me on this one. The stuttering shit just made it ten times worse. He had no in ring skill, no mic skill and a bad dye job. Fuck him!

Richard Waters: Matt Morgan was a great instance of firing. I mean he was getting over with his gimmick and even held a solid victory with Carlito. But like Tyson Tomko, once his mic man left... he was left for dry. Tell me... why did Morgan leave but Tomko stays?!?

Joe Merrick: Christopher Fre-…Jindrak. Yes, Christopher Frejindrak. That piece of shit.

Witzdude: Give it up for Mark Jindrak everybody. This guy had nothing going for him, despite the fact that being Randy Orton’s butt buddy got him push after push after push. This guy never displayed even a modicum of talent in the ring or on the mic. Yeah, he can dropkick really high! Now if only he’d try it off the top floor of the Sears Tower. Then I’d pay to see him wrestle.

3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.

the nominees: Ric Flair, HHH, Jeff Jarrett, Stephanie McMahon, Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, HBK, Undertaker, Joey Styles, Kevin Nash, Dusty Rhodes;

Sean Carless: Stephanie McMahon. I've mentioned many times that I consider Stephanie the "Fredo Corleone" of the McMahon family. That being, one that is born into a powerful family, and is thrust into the family business despite possessing no apparent talents whatsoever. And all just because of their last name. This is the same exact scenario with Steph. For four years she's been writing consistently horrible TV, in addition to bullying infinitely more talented people like Paul Heyman right out of creative, and at the end of the day, wrestlers, agents and other writers fall by the wayside, but nothing EVER happens to Stephanie, despite the fact she's a complete and utter failure in her current role. And sadly, unlike Michael with Fredo, we'll never get to see Shane send Big Steph out in a fishing boat to say her final Hail Mary's.

James Walker: For the first time not involving a pie eating contest, Dusty Rhodes wins the race. His TNA ordeal was more than enough – Phi Delta Slam, Lockdown, Dustin Runnels, Chestacular women drooling over him, and basically damaging any credibility the company had built. However, to go from TNA to WWE (which is a feat in itself), where he’s not only a member of creative (which is a joke in itself), and is heavily rumoured to be the next GM of Raw… it makes you wonder what kind of ‘bidness’ he got down to… his knees, p’haps? (Ohh, gay jokes, how I love thee.)

Justin Shapiro: Rhodes holding booking jobs in both companies despite being Dusty Rhodes gets him the win.

Doctor Gonzo: This has to be Hulk Hogan. Who else can leave and return to a company at his leisure at the same time talking however he wants to whoever he wants with no repercussions? Hogan has a special bond with Vince now, and I’m pretty sure he’s about to get promoted to Chief Steroid Investigator for Vince’s new anti-roid policy.

Remy: Hogan! He must have gone straight to GOD to get over Jesus’ boy, HBK. This game of one upping the other has taken its gruesome toll in the wrestling industry. Can’t God just chill and let Jesus live his own life? God just doesn’t understand his teenage angst! Go listen to Linken Park, Jesus, that will show him.

Michael Melchor: The winner is...Jeff “Can you fucking believe that, despite fans chanting ‘BORING!’ at every appearance I make – and might I add that I am the ONLY wrestler EVER to receive the rare and coveted “Drop the title!’ chant – that, because of us being on Spite TV that I am STILL considered the top guy and that, since my family runs the place, that I probably will be until someone genius in Orlando stabs me walking out of Universal Soundstage 21, thus being the ONLY way I’ll lose the NWA World Title for any length of time” Jarrett. And yes, I do believe that he has legally changed his middle name to everything that was in quotes.

Canadian Bacon: Easy! That slippery Sean Carless with his faggoty mop of hair and angelic singing voice. And all because he robbed the Baconman of his prestigious Writer of the year award last year! I think I hate him. Especially the way he walks around like he owns this place.

Cameron Burge: George W. Bush....Oh wait, I have to pick a wrestler? I don’t think anyone is more politically savvy than Hulk Hogan who still after all these years managed to avoid jobbing to Shawn Michaels in order to "remain strong" for Wrestlemania all the while Austin had to lose to The Coach (and there was a rumor that it would be a clean loss). Hell, he even politically manipulated his daughter’s "career" (can we call it that?) into garnering more television time for himself. I’m even willing to bet he plotted that whole Rooster Incident. He and the bird were working us all.

Renee: Honestly I pick Hogan because I can’t believe his old ass finagled another run to push is stupid show on VH1. I take nothing away from Hogan for what he’s done for wrestling but he’s only in it now for the big pay offs, and the fact that he convince Vince to go along with it fucken blew chunks! I just don’t like him.

Richard Waters: I learned a lot about politics in the past few years, but even Stephanie out manuevers her hubby HHH. I mean look at what she's done. She put Michelle on the ropes because of her southern accent. Stephanie McMahon is telling someone they have a bad voice. HER VOICE~! Also not to mention she fired Christy because she was getting chummy with HHH. I think they added the wrong H there. Get it... cummy? Okay it's pathetic.

Joe Merrick: As much as I am tempted to pick HHH, at least he’s not been up to his old tricks recently, and stayed out of the title picture (although we’ll see how long this lasts).

So therefore I have to go with the one person that HHH can’t ‘get over’ (especially in bed), Stephanie McMahon. No one in their right mind would let her back on TV again, considering no-one likes her, her voice is now deeper than HHH’s, and that Linda actually has a younger looking face.

The only people who wanted to see her back were the idiot girls who think she’s a hero to all independent women everywhere. You know, those same girls who use daddy’s credit card to buy shitty clothes and Usher albums.

Witzdude: Being the resident TNA guy here, I just have to pick Jarrett. The guy gets the title back in a non-televised match in Canada, thereby killing Raven’s heat and insuring that he won’t be taken seriously in the main event again, just so he can prove that I REALLY AM A MAIN EVENTER GUYS….REALLY! Flashforward 1month later, Kevin Nash stubs his toe in the shower and calls in sick the night before a PPV, so they haphazardly book Rhino to win the title. What could have been the stepping stone for greatness to Rhino’s career ended up being the death of it. Jarrett beat Rhino on Impact 2 DAYS LATER, thereby killing another main event contender and leaving him dead in the water. Rhino would have been better off not winning the belt at all, because losing to Jarrett like that made him look like a total chump and his “title reign” a fluke. In closing, fuck Jarrett.

4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)

the nominees: HHH, Vader, Piper, Bob Orton, Animal, Blue Meanie,

Sean Carless: It was close, but I ultimately decided against Vader (who's starting to resemble the name of his own hometown in the bulbous, rolling fashion we've seen him in his last two appearances) was already morbidly obese to start with. I mean, what's another 100 pounds when you already weight 400? So, by virtue of this, Animal wins by a (mohawk) hair. He dines on death- and apparently everything else he can get his hands on. Animal was my clear-cut choice this year because at one time the guy was a rock; and now, well, he really has transformed into an animal- that being one that bulks up for the winter apparently.

Anyway, my guess is that Animal only hooked up with Heidenreich this year to hopefully get his hands that giant Hershey bar. I could be wrong though.

James Walker: It’s time… It’s Vader… It’s Supper Time! While all the nominees have been taking in the trans fat, none of them have gained enough weight to lose their balance on a ring apron. I really don’t think I need any more justification than that.

Justin Shapiro: Vader tripping over his own gravitational pull will make him an easy winner. To quote someone, “I believe Big Van Vader ate Super Porky, he ate Darth Vader, and he may have eaten a van.”

Doctor Gonzo: HHH is trying his best to look like the HHH of old, but failing miserably. But this award has to go to the Blue Meanie. He was svelte and trim and in great shape at the end of ECW, and then once he came back in WWE, looked like he ate all of ECW’s profits... and fans. For shame.

Remy: Trish Stratus. You know, bulimia is a sick disease, and should never be encouraged …except sometimes. What are you, 120 lbs now, Trish? Jesus, ELEPHANTS weigh less … well, baby elephants perhaps. What does a baby elephant weigh, anyway? No, seriously, I’m asking.

Michael Melchor: Leon, Leon, Leon...what the hell happened? Dude, you were, like, a killer back then. You destroyed Sting. You broke Joe Thurman’s back, for Chrissakes. Now you come out with Goldust and blow your WWE comeback the first night out by tripping and falling your fat ass out of the ring. Yep, Vader’s got my vote.

Canadian Bacon: Vader! Maybe they should change his name from " Big Van" Vader to "Large Sports Utility Vehicle" Vader!!? HAHAHAHA!!!!!11

Cameron Burge: It’s sad to notice that since the institution of the new drug policy several wrestlers seem to have magically "deflated." Lance "Garrison" Cade in particular was sporting tits so saggy, they made my Grandmother look like Jenna Jameson in his last appearance on Raw after the breakup of Cade & Murdoch. In a brief side note, Snitsky has apparently avoided the implanting of a flag on his back by famed astronaut Neil Armstrong and cleaned up his famed backne problem. On a suspiciously related note to THAT, his arms now resemble two small stick attached to a tree trunk.

Renee: I have to go with good old SOS again this year. Hunter has a way of just literally rounding out from time to time. Usually in the summer he’s at his leanest but I’ll be damned if homeboy didn’t pack on the extra for the winter this year. Maybe Steph likes ‘em thick! We know Hunter does!

Richard Waters: Ha ha I really can't vouch for Vader, Orton and Meanie. But man Animal must've been so into tag team wrestling that after Hawk died he took his mass inside so he could share their combined weight.

Joe Merrick: I know Vader was already a fat bastard, but holy shit I wasn’t expecting that. He was so hefty that even his own body couldn’t take the weight hence his ass going AWOL right onto the floor.

Witzdude: Where the hell is Tatanka on this list? Now I know why the buffalo are fucking endangered. Actually, I’m gonna give Animal the nod here. The guy looks like he is carrying 4 spare tires.

5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)

the nominees: Sylvan, Lashley, Randy Orton, Carlito, Chris Masters, Boogeyman, Orlando Jordan, Edge, Viscera, Coach;

Sean Carless: Orlando Jordan. As WWE has dictated this year for at least Carlito and Jordan, the bigger your hair gets, the bigger the push you receive. If only Meng was still on WWE payroll; he'd be WWE Champion right now.

Anyway, I doubt you'll find anyone who'd argue that Jordan's U.S. title reign (and defeat of a then red-hot John Cena) was one of the most nonsensical booking moves ever. Only by Summer Slam did someone FINALLY realize the error of their ways and put an end to old pubic head's excruciating title reign. Still though, WWE tried to spin the positives of OJ, often referring to him as the "Best pure athlete in the WWE", which has always made me laugh. Calling him “the best athlete on SmackDown!” is of course carny for “He can run really fast, jump really high, and is good at a number of sports that you don’t give two fucks about; because to you, he’s as boring as shit and has no personality... but I SWEAR he really is a GREAT athlete…even if his wrestling conveys the complete opposite image….”

James Walker: For the first time in his life, Orlando Jordan deserves a win. While his push has slowed down (pity, it was going SO WELL.), we cannot excuse the fact that he is the only person to have pinned both WWE champion John Cena, and IWC Chris Benoit this year. Jordan may have gotten the most obscure push in recent memory – he’d rarely have a match on Smackdown or a PPV, and was never seen as a threat by anyone, but he still managed to squirm out with a win. Infact, he was a lot like the Honky Tonk Man – except, you know, not entertaining, over, or one of the best champions in history.

Justin Shapiro: Chris Masters can fuck off, seriously. He broke Stevie Richards’ nose. However, I do see him as a likely future WW champion at the New Year’s Resolution.

Doctor Gonzo: The thing with this question is that I kind of like Boogeyman, so his push is cool. Carlito is ok, but gets jobbed regularly. Chris Masters grew on me too. Sylvan isn’t really getting pushed. Randy gets pushed and usually jobbed in big matches. OJ, Coach and Viscera are jobbers, and Edge’s push isn’t all that offensive to me. That leaves Lashley. I know I kind of like this guy cause he’s powerful, but he has to be the most vanilla black dude I have ever seen. He has no charisma and just jumps in and does power moves and that’s it. The thing with Brock was that he did this power stuff and made it look effortless and tossed people around like nothing. Lashley is missing that certain something. He needs some sprinkles.

Remy: I would say Orlando Jordan, but he hasn’t really had as much of a push as some of the other undeserving recipients. I guess I’d have to go with Carlito. The guy is always involved in some big angle, and yet, he is blander than what vanilla calls vanilla! He does everything somewhat well, but nothing exceptional.

Michael Melchor: Carlito almost took my vote because he’s as bland in the ring as the Mulkey brothers used to be (let’s see how many kids get that reference). However, only one man goes above and beyond the call of duty by being a boring, useless piece of shit in AND out of the ring – and that man is Orlando Jordan. Take a bow, Buckwheat!

Canadian Bacon: No one deserves to be pushed. That’s just mean. What if they fell down and really hurt themselves? Still though, If I had to pick a person to push it would prolly be that murderer Orlando Jordan! Ron & Nicole, I’ll never forget!

Cameron Burge: Can we please give a big group shove to OJ? Unless he starts killing white women (and damn fast) I think his appeal factor is going to sink to the dreaded negative ranks. The US Title still hasn’t recovered since his win over Cena just before Wrestlemania.

Renee: OJ damnit! I really feel uncomfortable with his look and God forgive me, but his ugly is just too distracting to even try to judge him as a wrestler. Though I have managed to find a way to look at him through these special blue goggles designed to block any un-natural rays to the eyes. So I took a look at his skill and the ugly bastard needs to go!

Richard Waters: Orlando Jordan has to be the poorest excuse for a wrestler ever. He's not over, uninteresting, and just boring. Yet he had the longest US title reign in WWE history. Not that anyone noticed. Or cared. Or remembers.

Joe Merrick: Why is Boogeyman In there? That guy deserves to be Wrestling’s next mainstream star! He’d be pumphandle-slamming Conan O’Brien and shoving worms into Jay Leno’s mouth and don’t tell me that isn’t good TV.

Anyway, Pat Patterson obviously felt Sylvan needed a push if you catch my drift (teehee, buttsex) but I’m going to go with ol’ Daffy Duck Features. Not only is he boring but he’s the most hideous looking wrestler since Naked Mideon. When he came out at Summerslam to face Benoit he looked like a God damn Spider monkey with all that weird squatting he does and that UNHOLY hair on his head.

Witzdude: Why, oh why did they give Orlando Jordan a 5 ½ month title reign? On top of that, he got a CLEAN win over Chris Benoit at a PPV. I’d have a joke about this, but it makes me to God Damn angry.

6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)

the nominees: Tomko, Torrie Wilson, Snitsky, Matt Hardy (once rehired), Eugene, Heidenreich, Stevie Richards, The Bashams. Scotty 2 Hotty, Funaki;

Sean Carless: Tyson Tomko. Tomko is the WWE's ideal Problem Solver. You know, if your problem is having really good matches all the time. Still though, who'd have ever thought Tomko would still be here, while Christian would not?

James Walker: Tyson Tomko boots all the competition IN THEIR FACE. Let’s face it… the guy’s most memorable outing is the time he fought a drag queen Steven Richards in the worst match of 2004. I think it’s kinda funny – it’s as if management forget they have this generic hoss on payroll, and bring him back every few months from Heat duties for a quick 2 week push, only to let him fall back into obscurity. If you’re reading, Tyson… I got a problem you can solve for me. If a train is leaving Chicago at 4pm, moving 100 mph, and another train leaves Dallas at 5pm, moving at 90 mph, can you kindly fuck off?

Justin Shapiro: The answer is the great Steven Richards for the third year running. You can take the general manager out of Heat but you can’t take the heat out of the general manager.

Doctor Gonzo: The man, the myth, the legend, SNITSKY gets this award bar none. You would think, not only is he a worthless sack of shit, but his bacne alone would be worth the firing before they start demanding contracts also.

Remy: All of the above. Why the fuck would WWE keep any of these guys around?

Michael Melchor: It took a lot for me not to immediately nominate perennial favorite Scotty Go Potty, but Paul London really defied the odds by barging in on Vince McMahon, telling him (in a rather high volume) how his company should be run and booked, and still staying on the roster. You think McMahon cares that much of London were to go to TNA? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Canadian Bacon: Cling on award? Easy, prolly one of my favorites, Viscera. I definitely think he’d have the most cling-ons because he’s kinda fat and it’d prolly be pretty hard to wipe your bum.

Cameron Burge: I can’t BELIEVE Rosey kept his job after the Hurricane breakup/Heel turn, but what is even more amazing is that his oft forgotten partner, Jamal is back on the pay roll as well now. Will Three Minute Warning rise once again to their former greatness? (Which, for the record, consisted mostly of squishing women and old men under their immense guts.)

Renee: Tyson fucken Tomko. He’s a fucken waste of skin like I’ve said time and time again. I have no idea why on this wonderful earth of our we get cursed with suck a untalented piece of sub human matter! Completely worthless and needs to be lanced immediately.

Richard Waters: I have to wonder exactly why Scotty 2 Hotty has a job. He's a decent wrestler sure, but he's been doing the same stint since well... 1999. He shows up once every few months as stage 1 of the newest heel getting over process. Sadly it never works. Much like the W......... O......... R............. M~!

Joe Merrick: Well we all know that Funaki and Scotty are only still hired to fill up the numbers for Cruiserweight Battle Royals. I’m shocked at Tomko being in there really, I mean, I saw him at a show last year and he was SUPER over. The chants were deafening. I mean ok, they were chanting ‘TOMKO IS SHIT’ but still, heat is heat.

Witzdude: How the hell does Stevie Richards still have a job? I was going to pick Scotty, but at least he’s been on TV in the past 6 months. All Stevie has done in the past year is get his nose broken by Chris Masters. Seriously, I love Stevie, I think he’s a great worker, and I loved his GM run on Heat, but this guy is still fucking employed when he’s been sitting at home for the past year? Fuck, I gotta get a job with Vince.

7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)

the nominees: Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus, Molly, Victoria, Lita, Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Maria, Torrie Wilson, Jackie Gayda, Mickie James, Stephanie McMahon's enormous fake breasts, Candice, (or feel free to write in your own winner)

Sean Carless: This is going to sound totally insane, but Lita (and not just for them titties). Hey, I know her pussy has seen more Mexican traffic than Cinco de Mayo, but still. There's just something about a woman who can execute a DDT, knows what Fishman really looks like, and isn't above being urinated on, that just does it for me. And the best part is when I sneak up on her wearing a mask, she'll just think I'm a luchador and put out. IT'S GENIUS.

James Walker: Maria. She may have not won the Diva Search, but she won my heart. Sporting a face that screams ‘Oh James, I want your man goop all over me’, the largest real breasts in WWE (excluding Dusty), the funniest character I’ve seen in ages (which oddly reminds me of Bacon), there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to get with her lumps. Her lovely lady lumps.

Justin Shapiro: Well, I would have to assert that Trish and Maria find themselves ahead of the rest of the field, and of the two, I will vote for Trish because of the time she kicked Christy, broke her shoe in a shoot (or a shoe-t), and ad-libbed by saying “your head is so hard it broke mah shoe, girl.”

Doctor Gonzo: Mickie James, aka Alexis Laree, is the hottest girl in wrestling (keeping in mind I don’t know many of the chicks on the independent circuit). I was pissed that they made her get tit implants, but her body is just spectacular. She has the body of a volleyball player, and the face of goddess. I love her. I will marry her.

Remy: All of them except Lita. If she dated Matt Hardy, than I think it’s fair to say even I’m out of her league. But the rest, yes, oh yes. God, I’m so lonely.

Michael Melchor: Mickie James, for being one of three women that don’t look like a life-like Barbie doll (the others being Victoria and Maria, although she merely makes the cut). I so envied Trish Stratus on the last Raw of 2005 when Mickie planted one on her. Don’t tell my wife that, plzkthx.

Canadian Bacon: That blond one with the fake breasts.

Cameron Burge: Unlike her pallet-swapped Mortal Kombat equivalent, Melina not only possesses one of the finest bodies around, but her mouth ISN’T consistent of razor-sharp blades that would make a man live in horror of her ever going down on him for fear of it being the sexual equivalent of the Pit of Sarlac. Also her entrance is hot.

Renee: I’ll always love my V but I wasn’t joking in one of my recent columns…….I wanna fuck Candice Michelle! Nuff said!

Richard Waters: I'm quite insulted that Sean didn't add my new Diva wife to the mix. There is a certain SD! lady that has improved so much from her indy look that deserves mention. Her name is Jillian Hall. If you find old pictures of Jill... she was ugly. Almost hideous. Yet this blonde bombshell is quite fuckable. I'm almost unsure if they're the same person...

Joe Merrick: Maria, not only is she extremely fuckable but she seems the type who give you a blowjob, fuck you, do all manner of disturbing depraved shit with you, even get you to film it, then buy you some ice cream. Daww dontcha just wanna pinch her cheeks then ram your cock in her…[/Feinstein]

Witzdude: I’d probably pick almost any of the girls here, but my top 3 are Stacy (in her Super Stacy outfit……Jesus Christ….), heel Trish, and Melina. All 3 I’d wear like a finger puppet.

8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)

the nominees: Whomever you wouldn't plow.

Sean Carless: Linda McMahon. The only way I'd hit that is with my car.

James Walker: Sharmell Sullivan. Some people don’t like chocolate, some people don’t like vanilla, and I don’t like Sharmell. Physically, she’s probably attractive, but I’m too busy hating her soul to recognize. The ‘PSSH WHATEVA’ personality will never do it for me, and the fact that I’m a white man, I doubt I’d meet her expectations. But that last part isn’t true. Definitely not. I’m HUGE. Yes. Yes.

Justin Shapiro: Candice Michelle is the most must-punchable.

Doctor Gonzo: This is a hard choice, but I think I would have to go with Lita simply because if she sat on my face it would probably disintegrate.

Remy: A woman … I wouldn’t have sex with?? I …uh … wow. Yeah, because ALL women want to have sex with me, so I have to choose which ones I don’t want … riiiiight.

Michael Melchor: Gail Kim, for sure. I don’t know what it is about that woman, but I get the impression that, to her, “Douche” is a central Asian region annexed by China back in the 50s. Wash your ass, woman. No WONDER Jarrett would prefer Jackie Gayda over you.

Canadian Bacon: Shannon Moore. She kinda looks like a dude to me sometimes. I’d prolly still hit it though.

Cameron Burge: What is it about Sharmell that makes men immediately want to shudder and take a cold shower? It’s like she had a door slammed into her face at a very young age and that’s how her features froze, perpetually locked in a state of being caved in upon themselves...like a neutron star. I find it hard to believe that not only does she portray Booker’s wife on television, but she actually is married to the poor guy. Can you imagine being forced to go home to that at the end of the day? Especially after you’ve already been forced to look at it while working all day.

Renee: Ha, now you people think I’m gonna say Lita dontcha!? Well I’m not, my choice is Torrie. He old tired ass should have been gone with Kidman over the summer. She has nothing to offer the WWE anymore not even as a model. She’s the only chick that actually is showing her age, excluding Moolah & Mae! Kick the tired bitch to the curb, cuz I know I wouldn’t hit that with even Bacon’s dick!

Richard Waters: Call me weird, but I find Torrie Wilson and to an extent Candice Michelle to be the most unattrative women on the roster. And yet Lita is still on the Raw squad. There is just something about them drives my boner so far inside that you could finger me.

Joe Merrick: I’m definitely going for Steph here. Sure she has the tits of a goddess but sooner or later that voice would come in and make you impotent quicker than an all-McDonalds diet. Second place goes to Nay for actually trying to insinuate that I love Steph. YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE.

Witzdude: Man, I am going to catch some shit for this one, but I have to pick Maria for this category. I don’t think she’s that annoying, but her face is just so grating to me. Seriously, she’s ugly WITH make-up on, and I’ve seen what chicks like that look like when it comes off in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a fucking dynamite body, but her face is just putrid. She kinda reminds me of a girl I’d think was a 10 at the bar when I am drunk, but then regret it the next morning when she is passed out on my pillow. Let me put it this way, when I have gotten with hotter girls than the Diva, she’s pretty ugly.

9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)

the nominees: Chavo Guerrero, Simon Dean, Emo Kane, Heidenreich, Daivari, Eugene, Monty Brown, Lance Cade, Boogeyman;

Sean Carless: Emo Kane. "I'm trapped in a glass casket of emotion!" It was a sad scene this year seeing the once mighty Kane cry over the loss of his marriage to Lita (and if kidnap, battery & rape are not the foundation in which a succesful marriage is built, clearly there's no hope for any of us!). Even sadder was seeing the Big Red Machine trade in his pyro and unspeakable evil acts for the sad bewildered life of a blubbering, fat 14 year old Linkin Park fan. The sad part is we couldn't even see a sketch with him eating Häagen-Dazs straight from the container to soothe his battered emotions, because his pyro-inducing finger tips keep melting the Ice cream. Too bad.

James Walker: Lance Cade, ALL THE WAY. Because being southern is the worst gimmick ever, right Austin? And he TOTALLY persevered, what by having one of the shortest Tag Title reigns in recent memory and getting pushed aside in favor of a chubby man who apparently likes to make pigs squeal. Yes sir, Lance Cade is a real winner in life.

Justin Shapiro: No, my friend, I believe the answer is Jillian Hall, who has been sentenced to a life of having to wear a band-aid on her cheek in airports.

Doctor Gonzo: The obvious answer here is Emo Kane since a bad push really NEVER kills the guy’s heat (HHH came REALLY close). Daivari can be chosen but has his gimmick really changed? He’s still an obnoxious guy who speaks in “that damn towel head” language to annoy the world. So I guess I would have to go with Emo Kane, as he is now bad ass Kane and can just continue to job, but with a scowl on his face this time.

Remy: Boogeyman. I thought this was stupid as hell when I first heard of it, but damn, I love this guy now. Only time will tell, however, how long a shelf life he has.

Michael Melchor: Marty Wright as The Boogeyman. I thought that the best way for wrestlers to get over was by “being themselves”. I don’t know any dude that paints his face red and eats worms as part of his everyday existence (outside of the members of the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow). What rube thought that bringing back 1990 would be a good idea? Or is this their way of punishing him for lying about his age to get into the last Tough Enough competition? Either way, PLEASE send that man away and bring him back with something manageable.

Canadian Bacon: Definitely Elmo Kane. Why would anyone think it’d be a good idea to pretend he was a muppet character? The guy’s too big to fit into that red furry costume anyway. Silly. Sill though, I’d prolly start watching Sesame Street again if Elmo started lighting people on fire. (Start with Gordon. He rubs me the wrong way.)

Cameron Burge: I feel for poor Chavo who stuck it through with the Kerwin White gimmick, making himself and those around him look like total asses in the process. With the passing of Eddie, he did however finally have that burden lifted from him (and I guess that puts the man who was his "Caddie" out of a job as well?).

Renee: Eugene is my pick for this one. It was pointless when he first came on the scene and is just as useless now, how many years later?

Richard Waters: Chavo Guerrero had probably one of the poorest gimmick in recent memory. Kerwin White as a white power type of guy who enjoyed going to the country club and golfing because... middle class does it? Heh, yet the death of his uncle got him over. Take notice Masters.

Joe Merrick: Yet again Kane proves to be the arch nemesis of the Creative team. Whether you love him or you hate him, he is always getting pops. It’s almost as if they’re trying to fuck him up just so they can say in years to come ‘Yeah we were THAT creative team that managed to fuck up a guy who’s always over’. Way to aim high, dicks.

Witzdude: I have to give it up for Chavo here. Kerwin White was one of my guilty pleasures on Raw. Obviously it had to go once Eddie passed, but it was still a funny angle in my eyes and I wish they would have done more with it. I also wished they would have had Shelton try to ambush Kerwin at a country club, but have Shelton get kicked out, because it’s a “restricted” club, but that is because I am a bastard with a sick sense of humor.

10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling)

the nominees: Joey Styles on RAW, ECW PPV delivers; Nash bows out of TNA; Christian debuts as a main-eventer in TNA; MSG fans turn on Lita thus forcing Matt's return; Bret reconciles with Vince thus giving us the best DVD ever; Austin walks, thus in essence derailing the impending McMahon family return to TV;

Sean Carless: The ECW PPV. I expected the worst but ended up having all my expectations blown away and more. One Night Stand completely delivered. Unfortunately though, much like a real "one night stand" it ended that night, and you were just back exclusively being with your fat, boring wife the "WWE" by the next morning.

James Walker: Styles on Raw. It was the only way the WWE could pleased all the complainers, and saved face. The JR situation was a wreck, but hey, the end justifies the means. The fact is, Styles came back from obscurity after holding out for more money form the WWE for so long, and in the end, got what he deserved. Plus, his addition has seemed to light a fire underneath the ass of Cole & Tazz, who are quickly becoming the funniest duo the WWE has. (Don’t believe me? Check out the episode of Byte This that they filled in for... more shooting going on there than a bad Brian Pillman angle) Personally, Styles has given me a huge reason to care about Raw again, and there aren’t many other things that can do that.

Justin Shapiro: Probably booking Michaels vs. Angle at Wrestlemania 21 instead of Undertaker vs. Angle. Yay work-rate. Also good was UPN telling Muhammad Hassan to fuck off in what I like to think was a case solved by Veronica Mars.