1)THE
FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors
one star, saying
"I can't fucking believe he/she lived another
year."
Nominees: Jake Roberts, Kurt Angle, Jeff
Hardy, Canadian Bacon, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Lex Luger,
SEAN
CARLESS:
Jeff Jarrett! I
mean, come on, totally seriously! Kurt Angle said
he's going to turn Jeff's children into orphans!
And if this was the 1920's, I'm sure that'd be
kind of a bad deal. Today? Well, it's just
an excuse to *finally* live in a home where your guitar
lessons don't end with you unconscious surrounded by
shards of wood and powder. So, yes, that's my pick.
Normally, I'd go with Scott Hall or Jake the
Trouser-Snake Roberts and his pantsless penile
pied piper routine-- as evidence of impending
demise-- but if history has taught me
anything--other than the fact that it always seems to
happen in the past-- it's that the people that you
EXPECT to die are never the one's that do.
That, and it turns out Jake Roberts and Scott
Hall were actually born off the shores of Scotland in
the latter 1600's, and secretly carry broad-swords in
their carry-all.
Now, if not
Hall or Jake, then who? I guess, I could *maybe* pick
Jeff Hardy; because you know, when the company you work
for creates an angle ahead of time, where they
exploit how you will likely end up dying anyway,
then maybe we too should see the writing on
the wall. You know, like the lyric in his song. Only
intelligible and ungay. I mean, seriously, the guy's
trailer burned down! What more could you want?
A fire extinguisher to put out 300 dayglo
wifebeater t-shirts, a dog, and a few
dozen cut-up leg warmer arm bands? Man. Who'd have
thunk that a guy once hooked on Meth would have so
many flammables in his home? What a head
scratcher.
But still, Jeff survived it
all, and even won the WWE Title! So, he's off my list,
too. Besides, he already crawled out
of one hole
already, so I have faith in him and his
sweet living abilities. His promo abilities?
Not so much.
So, *officially* I'm sticking
with Jeff Jarrett. So,
beware! Kurt Angle always comes through on his
promises! Bar sobriety! Although, secretly, I
suspect he's probably just going to
pin Jarrett instead of murdering him.
Which will still be kind of awkward for
everybody. So much for that 2nd "I"....
Kurt: "Remember when I
said I'd kill you and leave your children to be raised
in foster care? Ya, I *really* just meant I'd
suplex you a few times and maybe lay on top of you for 3
seconds. Sorry about the confusion."
So,
yes, Jarrett needs to be watching
over his shoulder. And not just for homosexuals
drawn to his wardrobe like a beacon. Oh, and he
better take out a good life insurance policy! The cost
of his tombstone alone will be in the tens of thousands.
(You try finding a 100 foot wide headstone because
everything on it is phonetically
spelled.).
Ok, I'm
done.
DEREK
BURGAN:
Ah, the Jake Roberts Memorial Award goes to Scott Hall,
who somehow found new ways to
embarrass
himself
throughout the
year and is already promising to be an early candidate
to take this award next year through his association
with the Enabling Clown Posse. That is, he'll take the
award if his body isn't found in a crumpled car on the
side of the road of some Florida highway, which
certainly wouldn't shock anyone at this point. I'm
encouraged by the fact that Shieky Baby should probably
not be in the running for The False Finish and is
turning the corner from Out of Control to
Semi-Controlled Work.
CATHERINE
PEREZ: Jake Roberts, whose year included making a
good amount of impressionable children fear snakes
forever after whipping out the one in his trousers at an
indy show. Surprise, surprise. Oh, and overall being
drunk off his ass drugged according to his
assistant, Shannon, and getting jumped by an angry JT
Lightning at the same show after wrestling such a
piss-poor match. I should add that Jake claimed to have
no memory of the event at some Boston radio show. That's
why there's YouTube~! But seriously, someone fucking
help Jake out already; I'm tired of seeing him nominated
for this when the award should pretty much be handed
over to Mae Young as a lifetime
achievement.
ANTHONY
DEAN:
Jeff Hardy, who in this year alone beefed up his already
impressive deadpool odds by failing another wellness
test, being barred entry onto a plane for being too
drunk, and, oh yeah, accidentally burning down his
trailer in the North Carolina woods. Jeff Hardy parted
ways with the WWE in 2003 because they demanded he go to
rehab for his drug problem and he refused. On a
completely unrelated note, the average lifespan of a
meth addict is approximately five years after the
addiction starts. Just throwing that out
there.
NEIL
MCGILLOWAY: I
would've given it to her last year too were I a writer,
but MAE FUCKING YOUNG, holder of probably the most
ironic name in wrestling today. Dear God,
woman. Personally, as soon as Moolah died I
thought Mae was going to be taking a dirt nap as
well. I mean, when one lesbian goes down for the
count, the other one dies soon after, right?
Admittedly, my knowledge on lesbians is a little
rusty. How she is still even walking is a mystery
to me, but don't let that stop WWE from putting her over
the ENTIRE DIVA ROSTER! She kind of deserved that
near-paralysis for thinking that was a good idea.
To
sum up, Mae Young: She's old, and old people
should die.
JAMES
SWIFT:
I'm going to break from the group consensus and nominate
The Dynamite Kid. I kind of find it hard to believe that
a paraplegic chain-smoker living in British hospice care
with a metal rod jutting out of his big toe hasn't found
a way to absolve himself from the mortal coil yet.
Factor in his previous battles with drug addiction
(which one? All of them!), alcoholism, and borderline
sociopath behavior (he used to wake his wife up in the
morning by jamming a shotgun into her face), and the
existence of Tom Billingsley remains a miracle akin to
throwing a Molotov cocktail into Roy's House of
Fireworks, Gasoline and Oily Rags and not hearing an
explosion immediately
afterwards.
SHANE
STEELE:
Mae Young. I have no earthly idea how this woman keeps
going at the age of 85. Heck, my grandma's about that
old and I don't see her taking on Beth Phoenix. Then
again, maybe I haven't been looking hard
enough.....
THE SIXTH
CHILD: My first choice would be “Vicki
Guerrero’s career”, but once again I have to go with Mae
(not so) Young. While I’m happy she’s still living life,
any shred of enjoyment I got out of her appearances died
after her last showing on RAW. It was like watching a
David Lynch film on heroin – only slower.
NEIL
CATHAN:
TNA. The company was haemorrhaging money at the start of
the year, spent more money on outside talent, while
burying any chance to make their existing workers into
stars. Much though I'm a Mick Foley mark, he hasn't
affected ratings at all. Nothing TNA does affects
ratings. The company is flat lining exactly as much s it
was last year, drawing the exact same buys and ratings.
Although they do now have the support of terrifying Al
Sow fans and stalkers. And they seem to be in endless
supply. Maybe I'm just hoping they'll
die.
NICOLE
COOPER:
Although Scott Hall could easily be selected for the
winner of this award, Scott Hall did spare us from full
exposure, and for that, I thank the man. Saying Scott
Hall had an "off year", while no doubt being an
understatement, still does not compare to the "off year"
that one Jake Roberts had. But is anyone really shocked
at this point? Being surprised that Jake Roberts lasted
another year is like being surprised to find out that
Batista forces his cancer suffering wife to vacuum. You
see, you're not surprised because you already know that
Batista is a self-important jackass, much like you know
that Jake Roberts is simply the worst train wreck you
will see in this sport right
now.
GERSHON
LEVY: Mae Young magically lived a year beyond
Moolah now, and STILL makes appearances on WWE. Funny how she
ended up kissing Khali because I heard he referred to
her vagina as a Punjabi Prison with the cobwebs and what
not.
ESBEN EVANS: Jake
Roberts. I know, he's the obvious choice and all but
really…why the fuck no one has mercy killed the poor son
of a bitch yet is beyond me. I vote for someone to pull
an old Yeller on him, drag him behind the barn and
Superkick his ass. It's the only humane thing to
do.
2)YER
FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving
some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Braden Walker, Karen Angle, Lance
Cade, Mike Adamle, Big Daddy V, Kenny Dykstra, Gabe
Sapolsky, Snitsky
SEAN CARLESS:
Part of
me wanted to nominate Big Daddy V. If only for
getting fired for being fat...despite the fact that he
was only ever employed because he was so
fucking fat. Ridiculous.That'd be like the
circus canning the Elephant Man because he's ugly as
shit.
Circus owner:
"Jesus Christ, Merrick, you've really let yourself
go! Have some fucking pride in your apperarance
already!"
But alas, there was another
choice that took precedence. Another who's true language
can only be understood by the ramblings
of the fellow phonicly challenged Master
Yoda. And I'm "getting a little emotion here" just
thinking about my choice. Poor Mike Adamle. I
mean, *just because* you have 30+ years experience
in broadcasting, doesn't mean you should be expected to
do your job well or even remotely competently. Wait. Yes
it does. Huh. maybe if the WWE superstars were fighting
with fucking giant Q-tips, he'd have found the
resolve to properly call the shit like he did American
Gladiators. (There's only one true "Nitro" in his
heart, and it had sweet fuck all to do with Eric
Bischoff).
But
still, WWE *had* to justify paying him $300,000 dollars
a year, so they tried everything they could to
make him fit, until they finally found something
that really worked and that he truly excelled
at: Unemployment. I mean, clearly, it's the best
job he's ever done. He's a total natural at
it.
So,
ya, my heart goes out to Mike Adamle, as does my bowels.
He was the first and truest Adamle Original.
But mostly because God purposely broke the mold Clash of
the Titans-style after his creation. He wasn't taking
any more chances after that. I can't say I blame
him.
DEREK
BURGAN: Well, the worst would have to go the
mind-bending firing of Gabe Sapolsky in ROH, but there
were so many legitimate firings that it might be hard to
pick just one. I'm tempted to say Big Daddy V, but I
don't need my email box swamped with his objections, so
I'll go with Braden Walker. The first big "jump" of any
note from TNA to WWE and it may be the last with how big
of a fail he was. Coming it out of shape and uninspired
is probably not the best way to make a first impression.
Granted, the "new and improved" Chris Harris wasn't
completely his fault, but enough of it is that he
deserved the pink slip.
CATHERINE
PEREZ: Without a doubt Lance Cade. Sure, Braden
Walker's ridiculously short WWE run was a total
knee-slapper, and Mike Adamle flubbing his lines
terribly on his last night will be remembered fondly for
years to come, but getting shitcanned after having a
drug-induced seizure on an airplane to the point where
Lilian Garcia had to save Cade's ass... that's the stuff
that pink slip legends are made of. There's just no
topping this one, and I dare any Superstar to try to.
I'm looking at you, Jeff Hardy, and you, pot-smoking The
Brian Kendrick. I have a cock-eye, you see. It's quite
depressing and not my sad attempt at the
har-hars.
ANTHONY
DEAN:
Paul London, who has been teetering on the edge of
pursuing future endeavors ever since his ironic smile
absolutely RUINED the solemn event that was Vince
McMahon being murdered on live television by a carbomb
in his limo before returning three weeks later
completely unscathed.
NEIL
MCGILLOWAY: For
me, it's gotta be SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIITSKY, the pride of
Nesquehoning, Pennsylvania! Keep in mind, there's
probably a good reason you've never heard of that
town. Probably because it's most famous person is
fucking Gene Snitsky. As soon as hey strayed from
killing babies and licking feet, I knew it was all over
for the big man. Oh, I guess the being completely
useless in all aspects of ring work didn't help his case
either. Add on to all of that this
nice little tidbit - those hideous teeth are
permanent! Holy shit, was he setting himself up
for a lifetime of ridicule or what? Nice knowing
you Gene, say hey to Justin Credible for
me!
JAMES
SWIFT:
So.you're a lower mid-card guy that, inexplicably,
receives the absolute biggest push of your fledgling
career, securing a rare pinfall over one of the
industry's grand lions. You now find yourself in the
larval stages of a potential main event push, brushing
elbows with the company's biggest players. What's your
next move? Well, as we all know, the correct answer is
"anything except have a coke-induced seizure on an
airplane". And thusly, Lance Cade is the recepient of
this century's "Good job, you dumb fuck" award
statuette.
SHANE
STEELE:
Wait, Rellik (that's Killer spelled backwards!) didn't
get nominated? Jeez, poor guy can't catch a
break...until today that is! Here's to ya, Rellik!
Hopefully, Mike Tenay doesn't follow you around a
la Steve Irwin and remind you that your name
is indeed "Killer" spelled backward. 'Cause that would
be awkward.
Tenay: "Here's Rellik,
that's Killer spelled backwards, buying his groceries!
Will he have enough items to get through the express
lane?".
Rellik:
"......".
THE SIXTH
CHILD: Depends on what you mean by “best”. If I was an
absolute prick (and my manservant I affectionately call
“Fuck Knuckle” assures me I’m not), I’d go for Braden
Walker – WWE pulls the rug from under him before
proceeding to give him shit on ECW and
WWESHOP.
But my vote has to go to Karen
Angle. Getting an ACTUAL divorce after working through a
FICTIONAL one on TNA takes the whole “art imitating
life” thing to a new level – a really fucking low
one.
NEIL
CATHAN: By the time you are reading this message
I'll be dead, someone else will have
made mention of the brilliant Braden Walker DVD package.
Heh. Package. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uwyFABQX62A The DVD that's
replaced Rise and Fall as my favourite DVD. Mostly
because Vince McMahon came into my house and replaced it
with footage of WWECW, because that's the only ECW that
ever existed. Remember that Vince McMahon run with the
belt? E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB-U-DUB-U-E!
Ahem.
NICOLE
COOPER
:
Braden Walker. Need I say more? Well, if you insist.
It's one thing to show up at your new job a little bent
out of shape so to speak. Ask Kevin Nash, he'll tell you
all about it. As long as you are willing to show up at
said job and at least put SOME effort into it, then it
becomes harder to criticize and complain about said
wrestler. And now, here comes Braden freakin' Walker, a
guy who shows up so out of shape (for the biggest
opportunity of his life), that he looks like he slowly
but surely devoured Big Daddy V in his spare time (which
clearly, he had a lot of since he didn't spend much of
that time at a gym). Add on top of all that a few
ridiculous promos, sub-par matches and fucking knock
knock jokes, and well, knock knock. Whose there? A pink
slip - nice job ruining your entire
career.
GERSHON
LEVY: Mike Adamle is too easy, so I go with Big
Titty V. This guy had a great lowercard gimmick as
Viscera and they ruined it by having him take off his
nightgown. That guy has more folds than aTexas
Hold ‘Em tournament. Honorable mention goes to
Snitsky and his butter teeth which I heard he had
permanently yellowed. Maybe he can be the “before”
picture for dental surgery (or “after” if you’re a sick
bastard).
ESBEN EVANS: Braden Walker. From the moment he
stepped into the spotlight and delivered the worst
knock-knock joke known to man (worse than even mine
"knock-knock. Who's there? Mike. Mike who? Mike
Adamle"), I couldn't wait to see hiss fat, fat…fat ass
back on the curb. Of course there was the delicious
irony in him getting fired so quickly after feeling he
was too good for TNA…which in all fairness most people
are…just not him.
3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage
maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just
like it's rewarded in real
life.
Nominees:
Triple H, Michelle McCool, Funaki, Batista, Jeff
Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, John Cena, Hulk
Hogan
SEAN CARLESS:
Michelle McCool. The only person in the company who can
have Undertaker wrap his legs around her head, and not
be carried out on a stretcher. And as a reward, she got
a belt that looks like it should be coupled with a
Hannah Montana back-pack, a powerpuff girls make-up bag,
and a fucking Hilary Duff DVD. Sweet
Deal.
I
can just picture HHH shaking his head in disdain at
this disturbing
nepotistic scenario...
HHH:
"Jesus Christ, Mark. What kind of message do you
think it sends to the locker room when a World
Title is created from scratch and an entire show is
written around the egocentric blond your
fucking?"
Undetaker: "Gee, I don't know, Paul.
Why don't you ask your wife?"
DEREK BURGAN:
Before associating with Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe was one of
TNA's top talents involved in the three biggest PPV
numbers the company has ever done. Since Kevin Nash,
Samoa Joe is nothing but a whiner who fans are starting
to boo out of the building. Kevin Nash? He went on to be
a part of the Main Event Mafia and is involved in all
the top angles. I wonder how he sold that one to
management?
CATHERINE PEREZ:Funaki's
nominated? Really? The guy who had to follow WWE
Creative around FOR YEARS begging, "Please, let me
wrestle as a one-dimensional stereotype of a Chopsocky
martial artist with a gimmick that hasn't been relevant
or even cool since 1974," as he waved a piece of paper
with all his ideas around? I'd hardly consider that
award-winning politics. So, of course, I'd be remiss if
I didn't put my vote down for Michelle McCool! And
somewhere, Triple H throws his sledgehammer onto the
floor in defeat. This year, Michelle's been treated to a
Bratz Divas' Championship
title run, a swift kick to the forefront of SmackDown's
women's division, and lots of other things that probably
no one will remember in five years ("Remember when she
won that giant fucking blue star? Me neither.") - all
thanks to her willingness in letting the Undertaker
think inside her box. And by 'think' I mean 'insert his
cold zombie dick' and by 'box' I mean 'malnourished twat
that probably defies all logic by having a protruding
ribcage of its own somehow'. Don't ever let someone tell
you that you can't get what you want by making those
with power (in this case, the power to conjure lightning
indoors) real happy in their pants~! Congratulations,
Michelle, for earning a little backstage stroke... even
if that stroke must be tiring your bony hand the fuck
out by now. Oh, come on, I'm kidding! I'M
KIDDING.
ANTHONY DEAN:Batista, who
more or much, much less said "Look, I haven't held the
title for several months,
and I don't know how my old broken down ass feels about
this sudden 'giving promising young stars a chance'
business, so either I start pinning every motherfucker
you guys got, or I leave to go star in movies and race
cars before you can say 'HRRRAAAAGH' and mime turret
gunning." How sad of a person do you have to be to need
a fucking gimmick prop to reaffirm confidence in
yourself? YOU WORK AT A JOB AND RECEIVE AN OBSCENELY
LARGE PAYCHECK FOR IT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY.
"BATISTA" IS NOT REAL, DAVID. MY CAPS LOCK IS
BROKEN.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:Personally, I think
it's too easy to go after the usual suspects on this
one. Batista once again spends the year fighting
for a title each PPV, just because he can.
Yawn. HHH dominates everyone on Raw, only to move
to Smackdown to do it all over again.
Boring. I am long past caring about TNA, so
Jarrett and pretty much everyone in the Main Event Mafia
can take a hike. No, let's go with a real Dark
Horse(face). MICHELLE MCCOOL. Who else this
year pretty much had a new title created for the
sole purpose of getting themselves over? Booker
T? I JUST SAID FUCK TNA! Who knew that
loving life was good enough to convince everyone that
you should be booked like Supergirl? What do you
mean, she's boning The Undertaker?
POPPYCOCK! Nothing proven! You only say that
because they're walking together in every single picture
ever taken outside of arenas for
2008...
So,
congrats, Michelle, you've just joined a very exclusive
club. A club of whiny douches that have
someone to bitch to when they don't get their way.
I got you a present for the occasion! A
cheesesteak. Eat it. Now. Please, for
the love of God.
JAMES SWIFT: Trips,
Taker.amateurs. Those guys have nothing on Mitsuharu
Misawa, a guy that allowed his company to spiral into
bankruptcy in lieu of relinquishing booking power. For
God's sake, he wouldn't job to his best friend (a
national icon, to boot) in his return match.from mother
fucking brain cancer!
SHANE STEELE: I've got to
give this one to Funaki. Somehow, some way, he's figured
out how to be featured on TV on a weekly basis, finally
try out his kung fu gimmick, and in one of the most
frightening moments of my life, almost beat Edge. That's
some major politicking right there.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually
when you launch a new Championship belt you give it to
your best competitor. So naturally, with a roster that
includes names like Victoria and Natalya Neidhart, you
hand it to… Michelle McCool? Man, who is she sleeping
with? And more importantly, why can’t it be
me?
NEIL CATHAN: Well, the award
does read "Backstage Maneuvering", and I don't know
about that, but how about all the backdoor maneuvering
that Michelle McCool lets Undertaker do? She's so good
at that game, she's got the Deadman to lie on his back
for more than two seconds. Who's managed that feat
recently? Good for you Michelle McCool, for showing us
that getting a rise from the Deadman can get you a rise
on the card. That letting him push (and push) into you
can earn yourself a push. She's not talented in the
ring, but her position on the card shows she must be
talented other places. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
And all of 2009, presuming I don't get fired by Sean.
It's ok, I'm planning to marry his daughter. I can be as
crap as I like, and pin all the other writers during the
course of my recap. I can't wait.
NICOLE COOPER: It has to be
Michelle McCool. Getting on Maryse's back about her
abilities is one thing, but trying to teach the other
Diva's how to wrestle "WWE Style" when your own
wrestling style can easily be described as "shit", well
that basically means that you are in no position to
talk. But instead of being called out for her actions,
she is instead rewarded with an enlarged Barbie doll
accessory. Life is good when you're able to get an
undead locker room leader in the sack.
GERSHON LEVY:
I’m
giving this to John Cena because he was out for an
extended period twice this year (well the beginning of
the year was the tail end of the first one) and as soon
as he’s back he has a title shot.
I think he inherited the Konami Code from
Batista.
ESBEN
EVANS:Funaki. Seriously we lost Stevie
this year…FUCKING STEVIE! And for some reason, not only
is Funaki still employed, but he's being used on TV
again for some reason. Scotty 2 Hotty? Check, Stevie
Richards? Check, Val Venis? Watch you're back, Funaki
and his brilliant lobbying is coming for you!
4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE:
(wrestler who's gained the most weight)
Nominees:
Goldust, Braden Walker, Samoa Joe, Big Daddy V, Kane,
Iron Sheik, Randy Savage, Stephanie McMahon, Shane
McMahon,
SEAN CARLESS: Samoa Joe. He
keeps getting bigger, yet doesn't enjoy the usual perks
of being Samoan; i.e. the cement-like head, the
perma-casual work day experience of never wearing shoes,
and awesome tights that all end at the knee.
I'm surprised he even claims to be Samoan. He's totally
getting shafted. I can just picture the awkward
exchange with him tryting to "fit in" back on
the Islands....
Random Samoan: "Hello, friend. My
name is Kokomungo, and this is my cousin
Conacangumu and his wife Goganga- Famu. What's your
name?
Samoa Joe: "Joe."
Kokomungo: "Joe? ...Seriously? Hey,
Conacangumu, check this shit out. This guy's name is
"Joe."
Conacangumu: "Joe? Haha! Man!
What kind of fucking gibberish name is
"Joe"!?
So, ya he's fat. And not even a
real Samoan. I mean, Christ, I once saw him buying Advil
at a pharmacy. SAMOANS DON'T GET HEADACHES. (neither do
retards or black people.)
My first runner-up is Stephanie
McMahon. Who if judging by WWE camera work, is
just a floating head now with no lower torso. (I keep
waiting for the wide shot that shows the Henson Studios
people operating an animatronic half puppet.).
Seriously. She just ends at the tits. Which now
that I think about it isn't really that bad. If only
more women followed her grand example. If only.
DEREK BURGAN: Samoa Joe is
looking less and less like the Samoa Submission Machine
and more like the Snack Eating Machine. It's hard to
believe now, but Rikishi was once at around the body
type Joe has now, and we saw how that turned out. Let's
hope Joe straightens out a bit because he while he
doesn't need to be ripped, he doesn't need to have
bigger tits than Lauren either.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Way too
many good choices this year. At first I couldn't decide
between Goldust and Braden Walker, but then I remembered
that Takeshi Morishima "disrespected" his WWE tryout
match by showing up fat. I mean, really, how dare he
show up not looking like a roided up freak so WWE could
make an example of him and suspend his ass after handing
him a small push to show they'll even suspend their
"big" stars because they mean business? The bastard. And
Big Daddy V got FIRED for being fat. Of course, I don't
think Big Vis gained all that weight just this year like
Braden Walker did. The former Chris Harris showed up to
ECW looking like he walked out on TNA and stumbled over
a barrel full of jellyfish on the way out. Then he fell
into and absorbed a giant vat of that pre-soap ass fat
from Fight Club. Then he walked into a Chinese buffet
restaurant and drowned his sorrows in crab rangoon,
which is kind of hard to do when his hands are
permanently attached to his hips, but that's not a
problem since he's trained in competitive eating with no
hands. Or something. Anyway, this tragic story serves as
motivation for me to lose weight, and I'm definitely
going to mention that to NutriSystem once I lose most of
it, because I want to read "Check out the story of a
woman who was motivated to shed pounds by an overweight
pro wrestler!" on their main page. Which should be
hilarious. So, yeah, my vote goes to Braden
Walker.
ANTHONY DEAN: Braden Walker.
When you see fucking Viscera get canned for being too
fat, you would think one would take some notice, so what
does BRADEN do? Apparently spend six months avoiding so
much as anyone even named "Jim" and putting on a weight
gain that'd make Roddy Piper say "Get that fucker to a
hospital or the ocean" (in between shoveling mounds of
food into his Pit), and then just flaunting it in front
of ECW's several viewers like he's JBL or
something.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:I barely
saw ol' Dustin in TNA as Black Reign. So, imagine
my surprise when GOLDUST returned. Ho-ly
shit. Better not inhale too deeply there buddy,
lest you want your bodysuit to tear to shreds and give
the WWE kiddies a little mental trauma to go along with
their entertainment.
JAMES SWIFT: You'll never
forget the name "Goldust", especially if you work the
drive- thru at McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell or
Carl's Jr., where, judging from Dustin's recent
annexation of girth, is where approximately 85 percent
of his annual earnings end up.
SHANE STEELE: I thought it
was just the Black Reign outfit making him look
fat, but damn, Dustin Rhodes has been packing it on.
I've been wondering what happened to Misty the rat after
his TNA stint, but I think it's safe to say he probably
ate her.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I have to
say Goldust. You’d think that after years of wrestling
in a full body suit the guy would sweat off a few
pounds. Instead he has to add pregnancy
panels.
NEIL CATHAN: Considering Big
Daddy V got fired due to being too fat too work
properly, I will have to give him and his six breasts
the award here. I for one, find it hilarious that he's
training for an MMA career, presumably on the grounds
that Lesnar managed it. He seems to be forgetting that
Lesnar was over enough to get signed, and ake big money
from fights almost instantly, and actually talented and
in shape enough to win. But yeah, V, aside from the
talent and popularity, you're basically as good as
Lesnar.
NICOLE COOPER: Once again,
is there any doubt that this award has go to Braden
Walker? He shows up on ECW looking fucking huge, with no
right at all to be wearing that spandex outfit. For
those of you too blind to ever notice, allow me to
provide you with photographic proof: 
If you can tell me that you
wouldn't be humiliated to be seen like that, then I will
laugh in your face and tell you that you're
lying.
GERSHON LEVY:I’m thinking
they should change the name Goldust to Coldcuts or
something. Dustin’s been
following his dad’s eating habits again.
ESBEN EVANS:
Viscera, or Big Daddy V, or
whatever. Now plenty of people gained a lot of weight
this year, but Viscera looked like he pretty much
doubled his. I know, a lot of people do that as well,
but then again, not many of them had the weight of a
baby elephant to begin with.
5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING
TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a
Push.)
Nominees: Batista, JBL, Cody
Rhodes, Candice Michelle, Matt Morgan, Mark Henry,
Mike Knox, JBL, Ricky Ortiz, Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett,
Sting, Vladmir Kozlov, Michelle McCool
SEAN CARLESS:Michelle
McCool. The anti-Goldberg. "THEY'RE PIPING IN
SILENCE!" Seriously. They have 3 days, and millions
of dollars worth of equipment, and they still
can't erase the pure
apathy.
1st runner up is Matt Morgan. The
man whose DNA was shot into space. A feat I also
accomplish while watching Mickie James matches. What can
I say, I got great muscle control. And a hole in my roof
the size of a manhole cover.
DEREK BURGAN:"The Blueprint"
Matt Morgan? Can someone tell me why this guy is high on
anyone's list? He's the wrestling equivalent of Brian
Bosworth or Todd Marinovich in the NFL, great bodies,
great hype, but ZERO TALENT. Instead of sending his DNA
into space they should send Morgan himself and maybe
he'll stumble onto a planet full of over sized goofs
with zero charisma and he'll fit right in.
CATHERINE PEREZ:
Beer
gut? Check! Bologna titties that rival Stacy Keibler's?
Check! An oft-reported reputation for being an immature
jock asshole who bullies those "beneath" him? Check!
Boring, sometimes borderline prejudiced promos, boring
feuds, and a most-annoying penchant for garnering the
cheapest of heat (Germany says hello)? Check, check, and
check! John Bradshaw Layfield, come onnnnnn down~! He's
proven that his true calling is behind the announce
table, which is ironic considering I would prefer to not
hear Jibble talk ever. He's provided far more boring
moments than exciting ones this year, and I am just sick
of the guy already. In the words of Johnny Rotten, "FUCK
OFF; YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
ANTHONY DEAN:"The Big O"
Ricky Ortiz. You could let that fucker wrestle in a
Megadeus and he still wouldn't be cool, and his moves
probably still wouldn't land, either. And yes, I did
just make an anime joke. I'm just going to go fuck
myself.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Only one
man fully exemplifies this award to me, and that's
BATISTA. This guy had quite the
year, with being involved with most of the PPV
main events this year, having countless title shots
handed to him for NO reason, and doing all that
while not changing his moveset at all (gee I wonder
what he'll do this match...maybe a Spear, Spinebuster,
and Batista Bomb?). You know, just like last
year. Yet, he still finds the time to publicly
brag about the trim he has plowed, along with bitching
that he "isn't being pushed enough." So, to shut
his ass up, they give him a win over (face it) WWE's
biggest draw, but not before he injures the shit out of
him. Hey, have some title reigns while you're at
it! I don't think I've ever seen a bigger crybaby
in my life. Well done, big Dave! Time for
your photo op! Just stand right there...yep, right
there. Be sure to close your eyes and
smile...*revs engine*
(Note
that I wrote this before hearing Big Dave going down for
several months from a torn hamstring. One, THANK
YOU GOD! Two, I sure do hate being cursed with knowing the
future...)
JAMES SWIFT: Let's take
another trip to Japan-land, shall we? Keiji Mutoh (known
to some of you elder fans as The Great Muta) is an old,
fat, broken down shell of a human being. He's so
decrepit, in fact, that he can't even spew his patented
green mist anymore because that involves the risk of his
dentures flying halfway across the ring. And thanks to
nepotism and bullshit polemics, he's the world champion
of TWO, count 'em TWO major promotions. That's the U.S.
equivalent of Buff Bagwell holding the TNA and ROH
titles simultaneously. As the great Canadian poet Bret
Hart once so eloquently versed, "Frustrated? Frustrated
isn't the gawh-damned word for it!"
SHANE STEELE: You'd think a
guy who's more robotic than HAL wouldn't get anywhere in
life, but somebody sees something in Randy Orton and
just keeps pushing him. Since it's clearly not his
personality, I'm guessing it's those great dinners with
the Orton family. Cowboy Bob tells great stories
and everyone laughs while he awkwardly tries to eat with
a cast on his arm. It's hilarious.
THE SIXTH CHILD:That’s quite
a list.
Not the nominees, just
the Main Even Mafia on its own – collectively they have
won dozens of titles, have decades of experience, and
have wrestled… like, what, ten matches since they formed
(not including Angle)? Good to see after WCW went under,
backstage clout still earns you the right to destroy the
up and comers on a weekly basis. Fucking hacks.
Special mentions go to >THE<
Brian Kendrick (as opposed to >A< Brian Kendrick),
Mark “are you STILL here?” Henry, JBL (which now stands
for “Joey’s Beaten Layfield”) and Ricky
Snore-tiz.
NEIL CATHAN: Ricky Ortiz is
apparently getting a big push in WWE. Who's Ricky Ortiz,
I ask? The only answer would appear to be "Man with
least successful, and least warranted
push."
NICOLE COOPER: This one is
pretty tough since there really are so many worthy
options out there, but since I do have to sit through
TNA on a weekly basis, I have to give this one to SUPER
DNA himself, Matt Morgan. The only thing this guy has
going for him is his "perfect" DNA. Although, the last
time I checked, you'd need a little bit more than
average wrestling skills to be considered perfect. Oh,
and any semblance of charisma would help as well. On a
side note, I would no doubt not mind seeing SUPER DNA
being pushed into oncoming traffic, but his super
powerful DNA would probably cause the cars to bounce off
of him, and in turn, spiral out of control before
killing everyone and everything on the road aside from
Matt Morgan. Did you really think I could make it
through this without a DNA joke?
GERSHON LEVY:Even
though I don’t watch Smackdown, I’m going with Vladimir
Kozlov because from what I’ve seen he is not over at all
to the crowd and has a very stale gimmick. Rocky
IV came out over 20 years ago and the Cold War is
over. Then again, every country hates the US now
so really you could use someone from any
country.
ESBEN EVANS:Batista. Not only is he boring,
unskilled, old, and annoying. But when he apparently
began crying about not getting pushed enough, despite
the fact that he's been in more World Title matches than
ever thought humanly possible during the course of the
last few years, and he subsequently got another title
reign for some unknown reason, I was this close to throw
something at someone, shoot myself up with steroids, and
complain to my boss that I don't get enough money…oh,
and kill a basketball, just because.
6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON"
AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through
all odds.)/ Stevie Richards Official "I'll Show
You.....How to Stay Employed for 9 Years" Award (as
renamed recently to me by Stevie himself).
Nominees: Jeff Hardy, The Brian
Kendrick, Carlito, Funaki, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin,
Sonjay Dutt, Curry Man, Shark Boy, The Boogeyman, Val
Venis
SEAN CARLESS: I refuse to
answer this category. It's lost all meaning for me.
Stevie Richards being released has to be some sort of
sign of Armageddon looming. Live on Pay-per-view. I
mean, I could of sworn there was something in the Bible
about showing us, we'll see, and the prophet with the
half shirt and tiny shorts will be martyred and
something. Seriously. It was right after the moon
turning red and the waters to blood, and the one guy
doing that one thing with the whatnow. It's been a while
since I was in church. Or watched the Seventh Sign. Wake
me up when the seven headed dragon gets
here.
DEREK BURGAN: As always I'm
going with Stevie Richards. What? STEVIE RICHARDS WAS
WISHED WELL IN HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS? Well, I'll be
damned. Do you think that Val Venis just "loses" his
cell phone several times a year in order not to get that
phone call?
CATHERINE PEREZ:STEVIE
RICHARDS~! Wait... oh, that's right. I'm still really
sorry for outing Stevie's secret hiding area just days
before his firing. If you're reading this, Stevie, I'M
SORRY. Anyway, I'm giving this one to CHAVO GUERRERO!
Poor Chavito has been hanging off of Vickie Guerrero's
sphincter like a turd to get some TV time lately, but he
hasn't exactly done anything memorable this year or last year, or the year
before. Man, remember when Chavo got Vickie some
coffee? That was awesome. I'm just saying, if I were
Chavo, running errands on a fucking wrestling show
instead of, uh... wrestling, I'd fucking quit. Actually,
in this economic rut everyone's in, I sure as hell
wouldn't mind making over $100,000 a year serving coffee
and listening to my aunt screech in such a voice that
would've made Helen Keller wince. Would you? That's
right. You keep reaching for that brass ring,
Chavo~!
ANTHONY DEAN: The Boogeyman.
When a guy's career for the past two years has consisted
of maybe three appearances to state his name and sing
fucking Christmas carols, you have to wonder if maybe
those worms in his mouth ar e really bait for one-eyed
blue-veined purple-headed trouser trout. However, with
the sudden reappearance of his two front teeth, his
little novelty act may have worn off, and if so, Boogey
better hope that he doesn't suck as hard in the
wrestling ring as he does in
Patterson's.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:...Well shit.
OK, let's go with KUNG FU NAKI. Note I am writing
my winners in all caps. Even if I wasn't, I still
would for Naki on grounds of a shitty name (see the
precedent set by BAM NEELY). The fact that he was
barely on TV at the time he was busted for the juice
made me assume it was sayonara for this perennial waste
of space. But, not only is he still here, he's
getting something resembling a push too! And all
he had to do was completely forsake his Japanese
heritage! So, good on you man. Now learn
some damn English, you've only been here for a decade
now...
JAMES SWIFT: The fact that
any ECW original is still employed is a marvel unto
itself. I can just imagine Tommy D., Balls Mahoney and
Little Guido calling up some of their old coworkers for
Christmas: "Hey, Axl, how's it going? You're making
$9.50 an hour and you have to catch your own dinner?
Well, back to staring at the ceiling lights for me!"
SHANE STEELE: The Boogeyman
is as fragile as a porcelain vase despite almost all of
his matches being squashes and yet he STILL keeps his
job. Man, if only all jobs were that
easy.
THE SIXTH CHILD:Wait a
minute… WHERE IS STEVEN RICHARDS???
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
For the life of me I don’t know why
the Boogeyman is still there. Sure, Marty Wright plays
the part well, but what is this? 1985? Go learn a third
wrestling move.
But my vote goes to Val Venis,
simply because my first thought after reading the
nominations was “Val Venis is still under
contract?”
NEIL CATHAN: Stevie
Richards. Man I can't believe he still has his- WHAT?
Stevie Richards lost his job with WWE? My god, the
apocalypse is coming! Armageddon! Judgement Day! Other
shitty PPVS! I can't write this entry, I have more
important things to do, like doing enough good deeds,
and accepting Jesus (Not that fish and bread guy,
Carlito's manager) as my personal saviour. He can teach
me the ways of jobbing and being boring in the ring.
Truly, that man was an innovator, getting crushed on PPV
by Cena was before it was cool. But anyway, sidetrack
aside (also atrack, for those you keeping track.) (And
for those of you keeping side.) I must accept him as my
saviour so I can avoid Hell. I hear they have Heroes of
Wrestling and December To Dismember on constant loop
down there, and the only way out is to find a way to
make deathbed WCW booking make sense. Place is harder to
escape than Alcatraz. And there's not even Rowdy Roddy
there, training for his big match with Hogan. Not
even.
NICOLE COOPER: My first year
here and I can't even take the easy way out by choosing
Steven Richards. How sad is that? Well, I will move on,
and I will narrow this down to two options: Jim Duggan
and Sharkboy. I'm leaning more towards Duggan though,
because Sharkboy still does have something left to
offer, and people do seem to love that ridiculous
costume of his. (But then again, you're talking about
Impact Zone fans here, which means that the opposite of
what they say is true.) In all seriousness, what the
hell has Duggan done this year aside from cry in the
ring when Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase pick on him? I'd
say it's time to retire when someone like Cody fucking
Rhodes can make you cry, but I digress. Sure, WWE may
very well be playing the sympathy card with him, and if
that's the case, I say it's time to become a heartless
bitch, WWE.
GERSHON LEVY:I am in tears that
Steven Richards is no longer eligible for this
award. Apparently he wasn’t
showing WWE enough or they would have saw it (Sean does
that joke way better). If I have to pick a
current guy, I’m going with Funaki.
Not only does he still have a job, but he got
repackaged with a push???
ESBEN EVANS:Carlito. I thought about voting for
Val, but he didn't openly complain and seemingly want to
get fired as our little Puerto Rican friend did.
(Scarface ftw…and yeah, I know Tony Montana was Cuban,
but really…is there a difference?). He's the only
wrestler who has given Batista a run for his money in
who could complain most for no apparent reason, and even
HE didn't get shitcanned…what does it take to get a
justifiable sacking around
here?
7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE
(Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
Nominees: Anyone you'd
plow.
SEAN CARLESS: I'd be lying
if I said I haven't coughed up a little dog water to
just about every Diva in the company. But if
I had to choose, at this
moment, I'd choose Mickie James. I don't even care
about those Arby's jokes you hear everywhere. That just
means she loves cock and welcomes it into the fold.
Literally. Cruel people get down on her (tee
hee) saying meaness like "Philly beef" and what not, but
you know what? That's a pretty delicious sandwich.
There, I said it. If they said "foot-long hotdog"
like say Chyna, then maybe I'd be worrying.
Vaginas are like your socks. Sure,
a nice new one looks good, but the stretched out
mishapen one's with their wrinkles and flaws are
still better, because they're comfortable, you see. They
always fit. I guess what I'm *really* trying to say
here is that I'm hungry and my feet are
cold.
DEREK BURGAN:My first and
only tie in TWF Fanny Award history. I tried to break
this tie for hours and just couldn't find a way, so
KELLY KELLY and VELVET SKY are going to just have to
share it between them. If they want to share anything
else between each other, I'd be first in line to pay
$29.99 for the privilege to watch.
CATHERINE PEREZ: I would
guess they'd all be fuckable if they have a working set
of female genitalia, so that obviously leaves out ODB
and Traci Brooks. Sorry, ladies~! Them's the rules or
something.
ANTHONY DEAN: This might
just be the little tinge of Aryan pride in me talking
(HEIL SCHUTZSTAFFEL), but I vote Layla London, who has
successfully metamorphisized from a black girl with an
afro that everyone but Michael Hayes knew and loved to a
posh, really tan British woman with a perm smooth enough
to make Kat Williams' shit look natural.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm. See, at
first I was very torn on this category. And
raw. And chaffed. I'll let you guess
where. The thing about bitches who wrestle (yes I
am quite respectful, thanks for asking) is that they are
pretty much all fuckable. Especially to us, the
downtrodden chuds that write for this wonderful
site! So, I am judging on...other
merits.
At
first I thought Katie Lea would be a winner. I
mean, she'll bang her brother. And have you LOOKED
at that guy? I figure I have a shot when her
standards are like that. Also, I thought Melina,
simply because of the splits. Don't act like you
haven't wondered if she can still pull that off
while...umm, suffering from a severe case of "filled
vaginitis." But no, the clear recipient of this
trophy (and my filthy, filthy loving) is VICTORIA.
Think about it. First of all, she has that
milf/cougar-y look about her, like, uh, "I ain't the
lady to mess with." Specifically, once the bedroom
door's closed, so much deplorable shit will be going
down that you may just croak right then and there.
I don't care how old you are, it'll happen. Plus,
after you're done blowing one in her, she can go make
you a pizza, and get you a sweet deal on rims.
Tell me what part of that equation is not completely
fucking awesome.
JAMES SWIFT: ATTENTION:
Whoever may be my other of significance at the time of
this reading: my admission of wanting to engage in
salacious acts with a comely third party is in no way,
shape, or form a sign of the deterioration of our
current involvement. That being said, I'd have to vouch
for Christy Hemme. Hey, what can I say, James Swift
<3s the fire crotches.
SHANE STEELE: Maryse. God
damn, she is hot.
THE SIXTH CHILD: When you
look like me you can’t afford to be choosy. Just hand
one of ‘em a blindfold and tell God I’m
sorry.
NEIL CATHAN: Now, much
movement though Melina causes in my pants, I will have
to go with your heroine and
mine, Gail Kim. The degree of lame in the Knockouts
Division of late has made me realise how much we all
need Gail Kim in our lives. Especially me. Dear Santa:
Gail Kim+Ribbon=Merry Christmas. Do it, and I'll get
Warrior to stop putting you in bondage, I
promise.
NICOLE COOPER: This is going
to be a little hard for me considering the whole "I am a
totally straight female" thing, but I will try
nonetheless. A part of me is telling me to pick John
Morrison, because hell, he's gorgeous enough and has
nice enough hair to be a woman anyway. And my personal
preferences are telling me to pick Alex Shelley, or
maybe even the best looking man to ever exist on this
planet, CM Punk. But, since I'm all about cooperation,
and since Lita is no longer around for me to pick her
(no, seriously), I'm going to have to choose between
Victoria, Maryse and Maria. It's gotta be Maryse
though.
GERSHON LEVY: I hate to be
redundant but still going with Mickie James.
She is the closest to not being the typical
Diva. Did I mention her
hometown is about 2 hours from my hometown even though I
now live about 4 hours from my hometown which means I
now live about 6 hours from her hometown?
Regardless, I’d travel that distance to hit
that.
ESBEN EVANS: Layla London. After she dropped
that whole Sideshow Bob hairstyle, she has quickly
ascended to being one of the hottest women in
wrestling…wait, I've forgotten something…oh…yeah,
right…now if only she would descend onto my cock then I
would be eternally blissful…hehe, I'm so
clever.
8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was
the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you
wouldn't.
SEAN CARLESS: No one. I'm
like the sex version of Tommy Dreamer's 2002 eating
habits. I'll put just about anything in my mouth. And by
mouth I mean cock. Even Vickie Guerrero. I mean,
why not? Who am I to judge? Even if she does
have a protracting overbite last seen
terrorizing Sigorney Weaver & her
space crew.
Seriously. It'd be an
HONOR to put my dick where Hall of Famer Eddie
Guerrero was. In a way, it'd be like *I* was in the Hall
of Fame. A hall made of vagina. I'd look at
it like an homage. Only with equal parts admiration
& respect, and equal parts semen. The
best part though, would be the impending Eddie
tribute....
Sean: "Hey, Vickie, you
know when I told you that I wore a
condom?"
Vickie:
"Sure."
Sean: "I
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddd,
Esse!"
Seriously, don't knock girls just
because they're packing a little weight. Because here's
a tip. Fat girls are already used to putting things in
their mouths. So, that's half the battle right
there. Hunger is nature's great precursor to fellatio.
But just make sure they're not too hungry. Lest your dick
return like a half-digested stock of Indian Corn. Don't
say I didn't warn you. I'm horny now. I think it
moved.
DEREK BURGAN: I'm
still not entirely convinced ODB is an actual women. And
that's after seeing her outside of wrestling at a sports
bar in Orlando after an Impact taping. Listening to her
talk to Between the Ropes' Brian Fritz reminded of that
scene in Deuce Bigalow with the large black woman
talking to Deuce. You just can't forget something like
that no matter how hard you try.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Kute Kip,
hands fucking down. Jesus Christ, what started with
stealing Torrie Wilson's ring gear culminated into
becoming the gayest guy and ugliest woman in wrestling
since his own damn self in 2002. Kip James clearly has
no shame. Or female fans. Hey, YOU try finding an
"official" fan website for Kip. Even Dolph Ziggler has
one, and when Dolph Ziggler's got more fans, or at least
fans who are willing to openly admit that they're fans,
it's time to pack up the booty shorts and call it a
career. Plus, he reminds me of Zachery Ty Bryan and
that's just
un-fucking-acceptable.
ANTHONY DEAN: That big ugly
short-haired blond woman they got in TNA whose sole job
seems to be to always appear onscreen with The Beautiful
People so as to draw attention away from the fact that
Angelina Love doesn't really belong there
either.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I subscribe to a
simple rule with a woman's physical appearance. No
ribs, no rolls. So, gotta give this one away in a
tie. First up, we have AWESOME KONG. Hey, I
can deal with the big bitches as much as the next guy,
but I really hope her husband is hung like a moose, else
he isn't breaking through that gunt. The
other "winner" is clear - SENSATIONAL SHERRI. She
was hot up until sometime last year, where she just
started losing WAY too much weight for my liking.
Not my thing to be seeing the girl's ribcage,
sorry.
JAMES SWIFT: Awesome Kong is
such an obvious, foregone conclusion that stating "I
wouldn't hit it with Don West's dick" is totally
superfluous. That being said.I wouldn't hit it with Don
West's dick.
SHANE STEELE: Vickie
Guerrero. "Excuse me", while I go
puke.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie
fucking Guerrero. You know that saying “someone you love
to hate”? Well, I hate Vickie Guerrero so much that I
hate HATING her. Never in my life have I ever wanted to
kick my TV in so badly than every time she appears on
screen. It’s not that I find her unattractive, I find
her UNBEARABLE! Excuse >ME< you fucking talentless
waste of my time.
NEIL CATHAN: What are women,
like Kute Kip, doing on a list with hideous men like
Rhaka Khan. Hideous illiterate men. I hear that an
inability to spell your own name is sexually
transmitted, so I'll have to call no sex with Khan for
me.
NICOLE COOPER: Are we
allowed to combine options? Perhaps Awesome Kong with
Vickie Guerrero's ear-splitting voice? I'm assuming that
that isn't an option, so my choice is Vickie Guerrero.
How she ever managed to pick up someone like Edge
(horrible booking) is beyond me. I can only imagine what
a night in bed with Vickie must be like for men. You
better not mess up a single thing or you will be hit
with a never ending supply of EXCUSE ME'S~!!1!!! Vickie
Guerrero is a full-blown WWE "Entertainer" now, which in
turn means she's taking home quite the paycheck, which
in turn leads me to ask, what's up with those teeth,
Vickie?
GERSHON LEVY: EXCUSE ME!!!!!
I’d say more but the crowd is drowning me
out.
ESBEN EVANS: Awesome Kong. Seriously, I still
haven't forgiven myself for ever looking at that picture
from when she accidentally flashed the world (and by
world, I mean the 10 people ordering that particular
pay-per-view) on TNA. I know, a TWF writer who's picky
about the women he sees naked, isn't that a bit of a
joke. But what
can I say, I'm just not a Fat Chick Thrilla (hey,
it took me until question 8 to make a WCW reference,
props to me *self high five*)
9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler
who's persevered through a TERRIBLE Gimmick or
Angle)
Nominees: Funaki, DJ Gabriel, Kofi
Kingston, Kane, MVP, Big Show, Chris Jericho,
Charlie Haas, Finlay, Cryme Tyme
SEAN CARLESS: Wellllllllll,
it's the Big Show. I had big hopes for him. Holy
shit, puns. But thus far, nada. Why did the big lug
even come back? To punch like 3 people in the face
in a six month period? To find more really big
jewelry to push soft-boiled eggs through to the
jubilation of Jim Ross? It baffles the
mind.
But still, here he is, doing
nothing but be at Vickie's side for really no
reason whatsoever other than to act as her own personal
DUFF. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). I mean, really,
you get a few Big Shows running around, and all of a
sudden you're looking pretty good.
AMIRITE.
Although, I think the
*real* reason Vickie *actually* keeps him
around is for his frying pan hands. I
mean, what fat person wouldn't want to hang around
with a dude who has ready-made food heaters
built into their limbs? Exactly. I can't remember what
my point was.
DEREK BURGAN: It's only been
one appearance or so, but I'm going with TNA's SUICIDE.
Being based on a videogame character is already one
career-killing knock. The pre-taped segments were
horrendous. He's a character aimed at kids named Suicide
for God's sake! All that said, I didn't think his spot
at Final Resolution was that bad at all and quite fun to
watch.
CATHERINE PEREZ: This year,
the psychotic(~!) Kane had Rey Mysterio beaten within an
inch of his life... but we just had to take his word for
it because we couldn't even get one segment where he'd
electrocute Rey's balls or anything. On the show, Rey
was beating the shit out of Kane on a weekly basis,
hardly ever alluding to his supposed nightmarish ordeal
with Kane. What better to follow up this abortion of a
storyline than having Kane fall in love with a
frightened Kelly "Beaver" Kelly like only a 7-foot
monster can? It must be love; I mean, both their names
start with K. IT'S FATE. As of this writing, the love
has hardly blossomed, but I'm sure there'll be a
wedding. We all know how well those go, but at least we
won't have to witness Kane popping out of the canvas
looking like a dick wearing a broken condom. I'm also
sure he'll get that Beaver pregnant. It's quality
television, only completely lacking anything that would
have us think "Kane" when we think "quality"~! My point
is, Kane is the poster child for the Darsow Award. He's
had a bad year every year since he unmasked, but he
somehow can't get the fans
WWE Universe to hate him. It's his gift. It's his
curse.
ANTHONY DEAN: CM Punk. When
you spend your first world title run getting beat down,
fucked up, and repeatedly being forced to make JBL look
presentable, well, you're bound to end up like Rey
Mysterio - still getting pops and occasionally competing
for shit titles, but long past the point of being
relevant or interesting. We've yet to see if he'll make
it to the top again, but so far he's at least staying
afloat.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Who else
can this be other than one MONTEL VONTAVIUS
PORTER? I imagine how that creative meeting
went:
Writers: Have a seat,
MVP. We'd like to discuss the new direction we are
taking with your character.
MVP: Oh shit, this isn't
about that drug tester I told off, is
it?
Writers: Oh, heavens no, of
course not! What gave you that
idea?
MVP: Seriously? This is
what you guys do. You bury the hell out of
guys for the pettiest shit.
Writers: ...Well, it's
different this time. So, about your new
storyline...you lose to everybody! Doesn't that
sound great!?
MVP: Please tell me you're
joking.
Writers: We see you are not
thrilled. Well, MVP, it's either this, or
quit. Is that what you want to do? Maybe go
try out for the NFL? Dick around in Japan for a
while perhaps? Why not try out some MMA and get a
giant sword tattooed on your
chest?
MVP: What? Where the
fuck are you guys getting this shit
from?
Writers: Oh, come on!
We can see it in your eyes! You want to be like
Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley! Stop playing
around with us, just admit
it!
MVP: OK, you guys have
officially lost it. *sighs* If I do this
stupid storyline, will you guys shut
up?
Writers: You
bet!
MVP: Alright, you win.
Losing, here I come!
Writers: Exxxxxcellent.
All goes according to plan. Now, let's see what
we're going to do about this young upstart...what's his
name again? CM Punk?
It
happened exactly like that. Just take my word for
it. Oh and for the record, yes, I do imagine WWE
Creative all speak in unison as one mindless, robotic,
credibility-destroying
machine.
JAMES SWIFT: Just fucking
pick any ROH alum in TNA. There are returning Iraqi war
vets that haven't accumulated as much psychological
scarring.
SHANE STEELE: The dancing DJ
Gabriel gimmick is horrible, but I'm still rooting for
DJ Gabriel only because I remember his appearance on
Smackdown three years ago as Steve Lewington. Something
about the fact that he put the British flag on the ass
portion of his tights made me laugh.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Kane and
Big Show seem to have some kind of weird, cosmic
immunity where – career-wise – they can crawl through a
river of shit and come out clean on the other side.
Special mention goes to Charlie
Haas. Sure, his send-ups reek of Stevie Richards back in
the good ol’ days of HeAT, and it doesn’t say much when
a wrestler gets over due to other people’s gimmicks, but
at least he’s not emerging from under the ring wearing a
luchadore mask. What the fuck WAS that
anyway?
NEIL CATHAN: Charlie Haas
has turned a lame gimmick into solid gold. Literally.
It's how he can afford that limo he turned up in that
one time. The Baconmesiter isn't the only one with
inside sources. I hear he's getting the role of Edward
Elric for the upcoming live action Full Metal Alchemist
film. He's already got the transmutation down. Epic win,
as you crazy internet kids
say.
NICOLE COOPER: John
Morrison, no doubt. First, you make him go by his "real
name" (isn't that right, Sim Snuka?), solely because he
resembles a singer of a band who died 37 years ago.
Then, you give him what could basically be summarized as
"really shitty catchphrases" to use in all of his
promos. To add the icing on the proverbial cake, you
fuck up his name on a WrestleMania banner by putting
down the name of the guy who he's copying. Turns out,
the sheer awesomeness of John Hennigan managed to turn
what should have easily been a career burying gimmick
into what is, to me at least, one of the best things
going for WWE today.
GERSHON LEVY: Could it be anyone
but Charlie Haas? This gimmick has been
done so many times but Charlie actually does decent
impressions of the people he is
portraying.
ESBEN EVANS: Charlie Haas. Although since the
man never had a discernible personality of his own, it
really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that the only
thing that could get him over was mimicking everyone
else.
10)THERE IS A GOD!
For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award
for unforeseen blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees: John Cena gets injured
and loses a lot, The Brian Kendrick gets an awesome
gimmick, an awesome jacket and smokes weed while keeping
his job, Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho feud, Chris
Jericho gets thrown into the Championship Scramble and
wins, CM Punk wins WHC, Mike Adamle being publicly
humiliated for being shit and then fired, Triple H being
drafted to SmackDown!, Y2J wins the World Title, then
loses it, but wins it back, Edge takes the Heavyweight
belt from Triple H, Regal becomes King of the Ring,
Randy Orton retains at WrestleMania, Evan Bourne Debuts,
Newly found relevance for the Intercontinental Title,
Vince declaring Hulk Hogan and others involved with CCW
are getting the Randy Savage treatment, Vince getting
off and staying off TV
SEAN
CARLESS: Ric Flair's retirement ceremony. I
still can't leave the memories alone. But hey, they
deserve it. Come on, memories! Learn to stick up for
yourself a bit. Sheeesh.
That said, HBK and Flair was
a GREAT moment. And who out there wouldn't want a
similar retirement for themselves? You know, minus
getting kicked in the face by a guy who secretly
profresses his homosexual love for you as he does it?
I'd just take my gold watch and stale piece of
cake and get the fuck out in that
case.
DEREK BURGAN: This award
should be retired with the Ric Flair retirement ceremony
on the RAW after WrestleMania. Nothing will ever top it
and each and every single fan should remember that
moment for we'll never see it
again.
CATHERINE PEREZ: If I were
Chavo Guerrero, I'd probably say "WWE giving me more TV
time~!" But, alas, I'm not Chavo. So what's 2008's
unforeseen blessing? Chris Jericho, who, as WWE's
savior, should officially change his name to Christ
Jericho. Holy shit, how bad-ass. He'd change water to
wine and call us hypocrites for imbibing while
applauding CM Punk's straight-edge ways. Or something.
I've got it about as thought out as a typical Creative
team member would at the
moment.
ANTHONY DEAN: I think Randy
Orton and John Cena being simultaneously injured, and
Triple H finally leaving Raw, allowed a few really
deserving guys and also JBL to step up to the title
picture on the A Show. That was a pretty good time. Of
course everything's back to normal now, but you know, it
was nice to see that, left with very few options, they
didn't just throw the belt on Batista. For the whole
time, anyway.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I would
have to give this one to THE ENTIRE JUNE 30 EPISODE OF
RAW. For the entire IWC, that should be a date
etched on the inside of their skulls. It's the
date where CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank to
get the World Heavyweight Championship, if you're a
little slow. So why did I choose the entire
show? Simple. As soon as he got a hold of
that title and JBL challenged for it, who honestly
thought he was going to be lasting the night as
champ? Not a damn soul, that's who. So,
don't act like you weren't on the edge of your seat the
whole match. And THAT is what wrestling is all
about. Not only that, it was the night when all of
the champions on Raw were relatively new (CM Punk and
Mickie James were the only non-rookie champs), and it
gave us hope. Hope that WWE realized "Holy shit,
maybe we should be pushing new people to the top?"
Yes, WWE. Welcome to the party. Probably
three years too late. Anyway, we know how well
THAT direction turned out, but still, this one night,
you got the thought you were seeing something new from
the WWE, and if that doesn't make you scream to the
heavens in praise, I just don't know what
will.
JAMES SWIFT: Hearing about
JBL getting KTFO by JOEY F'N STYLES is not only the best
wrestling-related news of the year; it's probably one of
the most joyous events of 2008 in general. Seriously,
the first time I read about it, I instantaneously jumped
out of my cubicle and started an "E-C-Dub" chant.and
then I used a Sacajawea coin to purchase a celebratory
soda.
SHANE STEELE: At first, it
was only the jacket that I cared about. Then I heard the
awesome promos. Then he got into the Scramble. Now I'm
addicted to his entrance music ('Cuz I'm the man with
the plan!). Hell, even Big Zeke is starting to grow on
me. Simply put, The Brian Kendrick
rocks.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I don’t
really have a winner for this category. This is more
like “For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance…
only to find out later that she was a dude.”
CM Punk winning the title was my
“Holy Shit!” moment of the year, but like Chris Jericho
and Rey Mysterio before him, his reign turned into a
joke very quickly.
Same deal with Triple H being
drafted to SmackDown. At first it seemed like a
genuinely unselfish move – Triple H leaves the company’s
‘A’ show to try and liven things up on SmackDown. Of
course he was already champ, and Smackdown continues to
suck. The more things change, the more they stay the
same.
Remember what Paul Heyman said to
JBL at the first One Night Stand PPV?
“The only reason you were WWE
Champion for a year is because HHH didn't want to work
Tuesdays.”
Spooky.
NEIL CATHAN: Wrestling this
year has mostly sucked, overall. It was, however, a hell
of a year in wrestling as far as I'm concerned. I saw
Pro Wrestling NOAH live, which meant I got to see
Japanese legends Kobashi and Misawa clash. Really a once
in a lifetime opportunity. Later that year, I stood in
the Hart Dungeon. Being in the room where so many of the
best in the business have learnt their craft was an
immense experience. Finally, Ric Flair came to the UK
for a Q&A session. I shook the hand of the greatest
in the business, he signed my DVD, and he revealed
during the Q&A that he's considered Japan's offer of
a similar style retirement to the one he got in the
west, listing a chance for matches with legends such as
Muta and Chono. Holy shit!
NICOLE COOPER: CM Punk's
World Heavyweight Championship win. It has nothing to do
with the fact that I mark so hard for CM Punk that it's
almost embarrassing (okay, I lied, that does have
something to do with it), but it's because it was
something that needed to be done. Badly. It was one of
those moments where the first thing you did after it
happened, aside from screaming in joy, was think to
yourself "it's about damn time". Sure it was handled
horribly after the win, but the win itself was perfect,
and because of it, lead to another seriously great
championship win for another man. We have CM Punk to
thank for even more heel Jericho greatness, therefore,
making this the biggest blessing this
year.
GERSHON LEVY: If I hadn’t waited
until the last minute to write this I would have given
it to CM Punk, but instead WWE finally gave Jeff Hardy
the belt he deserved for quite a while now.
Now please Jeff, don’t fuck it
up!
ESBEN EVANS:
Vince getting the fuck away from
WWE programming. To be fair, I watch extremely little
wrestling from the present day. It's sort of like I live
in a Groundhog Day-like scenario where I relive WCW's
rise and fall between 1995 and 2001
constantly…and…something, my train of thought just
derailed, Bruce Willis was the only survivor. ANYWHO!
Vince has this annoying habit where every time he's on
TV he makes everything revolve around him, and I'm sure
we'll see him again soon, but every minute with him gone
is pure bliss…what the hell happened with that whole
Vince getting crushed storyline though?
11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating
burial of the year.
Nominees: MVP, CM Punk, Scotty
Goldman, Samoa Joe, Colin Delaney, Jimmy Wang Yang,
Christian Cage, Curry Man, Rey Mysterio, Motor City
Machine guns
SEAN CARLESS: Killer
Kowalski. And HHH was even his pall bearer, too!
Who better, though? I mean, how many guys has he buried in his life time?
Some things just make sense. Pinning the corpse before
lowering it into the hole? Not so
much.
DEREK BURGAN: The worst part
of CM Punk's championship run was that we already saw it
happen with Rey Mysterio and it was just as aggravating.
Granted, wrestling rarely learns from it's past, but
booking a heavyweight champion like a goof = NO
BUYS.
CATHERINE PEREZ: MVP, who
went from being my pick in the BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE
FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED category, to losing every
week for four months since August 29th. It's like
Groundhog Day for the poor guy, and every day is
unfortunately Friday. He heads to Smackdown, loses his
match in under five minutes, and then he probably goes
home and bathes with a toaster. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Not what I expect from a guy named MVP, for fuck's sake.
I remember reading a report somewhere that this losing
streak is WWE's way of testing the guy to make sure the
stars they invest lots of time, money, and effort in
don't up and leave a la Brock and Choc Lesnar. Nevermind
that MVP's not even a new wrestler or anything, and
nevermind that guys like Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger
didn't get losing streak storylines at all. I can only
imagine MVP asking Vince why he's losing every week, and
each week he gets stupid answers like, "It... uh...
builds character!" or "Didn't you hear? Losing decreases
wrinkles!" Either way, enough of the losses, and push
MVP to a respectable position on Smackdown already! Lord
knows he earned it after his feud with Matt Hardy last
year.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Speaking of June 30,
CM PUNK has had quite the summer, no? He goes and
wins the World Title and looks good-ish by the end of
the show. And...that was it. Silly of us to
think that WWE was going to be pushing the guy, you
know, with him winning the WORLD FUCKING TITLE and
everything. Nope, let's book his reign like Rey
Mysterio's on crack! So where is Punker now, as a
result? Where indeed:
-
After losing his title at Unforgiven and losing his
rematch in the Raw opener a week later, hasn't even
sniffed the title scene
since
-
Acted like winning the tag titles was just as important
as winning the World Title. Fun fact: it
wasn't
-
Entered into the #1 Contender's tournament for the World
Title, where he will most likely be completely
obliterated in the first
round
-
Probably will get an IC Title reign, a title WWE only
cares about when there's a DVD coming out about
it
Whoa there, glad to see that reign
made him such a
superstar! Seriously, it's the definition of
frustrating, because you would think this would be a
no-brainer. He gets over with the younger crowd, a
good message being sent out there with the straight-edge
lifestyle (especially when guys are getting clipped left
and right from the gas), and puts on decent matches
consistently. So what do they do? Have him
be a jobber magnifico, only to get ahead when the
original guy gets busted. Jeff Hardy says
hi(gh). And all this because he won't have a beer
backstage. Oh well, at least he's
consistent. He sucked at the beginning of the
year, and he sucks at the end of the year
too.
JAMES SWIFT: What was I
saying earlier about ROH graduates in TNA? Putting them
on the backburner while placing Kevin Nash in the main
event scene is like trading in one of the hoover-boards
from Back To The Future 2 for a pogo stick.a pogo stick
with only one handle.that also gives you AIDS.
SHANE STEELE: I'll bet WWE
was thinking "Hm, how can we totally shit on this guy?"
when they first saw Scotty Goldman (better known as Colt
Cabana). Needl ess to say, the comic panel tights helped
to do that. Gotta give the man props, though, for his
little bit with The Great Khali bag puppet.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike
Adamle.
No, seriously, Mike Adamle.
Think about it. Here is
a man who has 30 years of experience as an announcer. He
has called everything from NFL games and the Olympics
(!) to their retarded inbred cousins American Gladiators
and WWE. The guy knows his stuff. So take a credible
announcer and place him in the middle of an industry
that’s unlike anything else in the world. Then, after a
few months of trying (and you gotta admit, Adamle at
least TRIED), that industry, despite all its flaws and
general insanity, has the balls to say Adamle is no
good. Rather than help the guy out, they give him more
exposure, KNOWING he is out of his depth. This causes
Adamle to continuously make a fool of himself, which in
turn pisses off a lot of fans who stop tuning in. And
after several months of this, they finally cut him
loose, but blame HIM for screwing up, when in fact they
are the ones at fault.
Now I ask you, is that fair? It’s
like taking the 100m sprint champion and putting him in
a marathon. Then when the sprinter starts running out of
breath, he’s shunned because he’s “not a good runner”.
Adamle is a decent announcer. Despite his incessant
screw ups he had flashes of brilliance on the mic. But
he’s not the kind of announcer that would thrive at WWE.
But instead of simply cutting their losses, WWE buries
Adamle. I’ve said it once, I will say it again:
motherless fucks.
NEIL CATHAN: As a fan of
both Joe and Punk, I was ecstatic when they on their
belts. The way both title runs have been treated
however, left a deeply sour taste in my mouth. Whether
it was Punk looking like a useless spaz against Batista
on the basis that Batista is bigger, before losing his
title without wrestling, or Joe, the badass monster, not
winning any one on one PPV matches without some form of
assist. Devalued both titles, and the great workers
holding them.
NICOLE COOPER: Perhaps the
worst burial in the past five years or so, and without a
doubt the most frustrating burial of the year has to go
to MVP. The logic behind the burial is perhaps even
worse than the actual burial itself. "Hey, let's see if
MVP, one of the most talented guys we have, really wants
a job here! How can we do that? Oh, I know! We'll make
him lost EVERY SINGLE MATCH he has, and if he doesn't
quit, then he wants to be here!" Does it sound fucking
moronic? Good, because it is. Clearly, MVP isn't going
to quit. He'd be on Don West idiocy levels if walked
away from whatever money he is getting right now. It's
hard to watch though. Why can't things like this ever
happen to people who deserve it. I'm looking at you
Kelly Kelly.
GERSHON LEVY: When CM Punk won the
title this year, I knew his title reign would go like
most other guys not named Cena/HHH/Batista.
But what was really irritating is the fact he
lost the title and didn’t even wrestle in the match
where he lost
it.
ESBEN EVANS: A tie between CM Punk and Scotty
Goldman. On one hand, we have Punk who wins the title,
only to get the Rey Mysterio treatment and the get
shuffled down the card quicker than MVP after a bad
joke. But on the other hand, we have one of the most
talented, charismatic wrestlers since Chris Jericho and
The Rock, who is being used as nothing more than a
jobber because the crack WWE creative team doesn't care
for his looks…WHAT THE FUCK! No joke here, just…COME
ON!
12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get
out of the ring before you hurt someone...unless it's
yourself, then it's OK)
Nominees:
Candice Michelle, the Bella twins, Batista, The Great
Khali, Mark Henry, Mr. Kennedy, Ricky Ortiz, Armando
Estrada, Vladimir Koslov
SEAN CARLESS: Candice
Michelle. Apparently in the last 2 years, someone shot
her with that fucking De-Evolution gun from
the Super Mario Bros. movie. Only instead of
turning into a fucking mushroom, she's become a
really shitty wrestler. Close enough.
Special nod of the banana republic
sun-hat to to Armando Estrada; who himself amended
Teddy Long's original mandate and ushered in
ECW's first ever "No Talent
Initiative".
DEREK BURGAN: Has anyone
wrestler, male or female, actually regressed faster than
Candace Michelle? I think it speaks volumes when any of
the wrestlers on Hogan's Championship Wrestling could
have a better looking match after only two weeks of
training (by Brian Knobbs and Brutus Beefcake to
boot!)
CATHERINE PEREZ: Which Diva
is green and brown and crap all over? We'd probably
spend all night naming names, so let me bring up the
name of CANDICE MICHELLE. Candice defied logic this year
by returning to Raw a worse wrestler than she was before
she went down with an injury, and that's just absolutely
mindboggling. Her return match, which was thankfully on
an edition of RAW IS TAPED, was heavily edited, and
watching the raw (pun~!) footage is embarrassing for
everyone. Allow me to be the harsh yet realistic one
here and say YOUR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH~! It's called
wrestling school. For the love of God, attend some
classes.
ANTHONY DEAN: Ricky Ortiz,
because he's literally brown! Get it, because I'm a
vehement racist.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Unfortunately, I don't have an
official source to cite on this one, but when the
doctor's operated on CANDICE MICHELLE's injured
clavicle, they accidentally excised any and all ring
talent she had too. Honest mistake, must look like
a malignant tumor when it's on a WWE Diva. Recall
her return match (her real one, not early in the year
when she was on like one show before getting injured
again) on Raw. That week, the show was
taped. Lucky for her, because, feast your
eyes:
Boy, something about the end of
that match didn't seem right. What could it
be? Let's watch that last part, without the aid of
STUDIO MAGIC:
Dear Lord. No amount of
editing in the world could cover that catastrophe
up. I assume they also edited out the first few
rows committing suicide as a result of this
catastrofuck. Luckily, WWE was quick to take
notice and subsequently wiped her out of
existence. Still, anyone getting near her better
have a bed booked at the local medical facility, just in
case...
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to
catch a lot of shit for this one, but I didn't sign on
to this website to make friends (or get thrown out of my
home, or break up with my girlfriend, or burn every
bridge I've ever had with my family, but it has!) I'm
going to nominate CM Punk, whose inability to rip-off
KENTA has lead to the breaking of sundry faces over the
last 365 days. At this rate, CM Punk is going to put
more guys out of action than quad tears, wellness
violations and Kevin Sullivan booking combined.
SHANE STEELE: I remember
watching the Batista-Umaga match at Wrestlemania and
laughing my ass off when Batista botched the finish. And
when he stumbled on his way up the turnbuckle that one
time on RAW. OK, Batista botches a lot. At least it's
funny.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike Adamle
(see #11).
As a side-note, it’s
good to see my pick from last year for this award, the
Great Khali, has kept his lanky ass away from the ring
as much as possible… only to start making out with fat
chicks instead. (sigh) It never ends.
NEIL CATHAN: Well, Candice
Michelle already hurts herself in the ring on a regular
basis, so I guess this'll go to the Great Khali.
Personally, I'm a fan of his though. He's got a killer
flapjack.
NICOLE COOPER: Speaking of
Kelly Kelly. This girl should be required to come down
to the ring with caution signs glued all over her. Just
because she can do some cool looking flips and jumps,
doesn't mean she's actually improved in the ring. On the
contrary. It actually means that she thinks she's ready
for all of this, which means that you're chances of
walking out of a Kelly Kelly match without any sort of
injury or pain, get lower with every unnecessary back
handspring that she pulls out of her
ass.
GERSHON LEVY: I still don’t
trust Mark Henry in a ring, and yet he still has a
job. Let’s give him a big
hand! Wow how old was that
stupid angle?
ESBEN EVANS: Candice Michelle. She went from
green, to a more blue-ish tint, back to green again just
because of one injury…that's dedication. It's not easy
being green indeed.
13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST
"HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or
Scripted) Nominees: Edge and Vickie Guerrero,
Maria and Festus, McCool and The Undertaker, Paul
Burchill and Katie Lea, Chavo & Bam Neeley, CM
Punk and Kofi Kingston, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon,
Michael Cole and well, anyone.
SEAN CARLESS: Maria & Festus?
Nah. Once Britney & K-Fed hooked up, I never
again looked at another hottie retard/
drooling hillbilly love-match with judging eyes.
Batista & Kelly Kelly? I'm more
disturbed at how head is possible with those teeth of
Kelly's (have you ever seen a log in a beaver's
dam?); or just how Kelly can get past the
disgusting shar-pei like texture of Batista's skull. I
mean, come on. Dude's with heads like Scrotum getting
top-shelf ass? What's up with that?
But still, both are not enough
to nail it for me.
So, that leaves Taker &
Michelle McCool. A partnership that actually makes
sense--A zombie would want
a mate who looks like a corpse, after all.
All I know is, by proxy of
this, it proves that Undertaker's actual mortuary
credibility is not to be trusted. Seriously. Michelle,
while pretty on a fundamental level, still looks like
she's decomposing. So it looks like Kane isn't the
only necrophiliac in the Fam. So, ya, that's my
pick. And I still wouldn't trust Taker on the
slab with a loved one any time soon. Things will
become abundantly clear the moment you find a discarded
condom stuck to Grandma's funeral dress during the wake.
Trust
me.
DEREK BURGAN: Batista and
Kelly Kelly? BATISTA AND KELLY KELLY?
CATHERINE PEREZ: Maria and
Festus, who are in the most awkward crush storyline
since Miss Elizabeth and George "The Animal" Steele. I
think that's what WWE's going for, too, sans Macho Man.
Unless Macho Man ends up being Jesse or something. I
have a question. Considering the ironic way in which
Maria gained a couple hundred IQ points, would Festus
have to pose naked in Playgirl Magazine to snap out of
his catatonic schizophrenia? Enjoy that visual. If
nothing else, at least we get to look forward to the
awesome wedding pictures, right? Speaking of weddings, a
Festus wedding is one I wouldn't mind seeing if, and
only if, Miz and Morrison bring wedding bells. It'd be
awesome, but only for about thirty
seconds.
ANTHONY DEAN: Michelle
McCool and Undertaker, due to the fact that none of the
other nominees had an entire championship belt made just
for them. It's good to see Michelle is finally being
rewarded for all her hard work doing, um,
something? Other than
Taker.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MARIA AND
FESTUS. It's a totally believable relationship,
you know. Hot Playboy-quality women date
schizophrenic retards all the time! They just pay
a one-time fee of $2,000 and get her a green card
first.
JAMES SWIFT: The mere
thought of Uncle Taker and Michelle McCool engaged in
coitus is enough to make me want to attempt that "touch
that removes" eye gauge that Jennifer Lopez was talking
about in "Gigli". Yeah, I saw "Gigli". Fuck you.
SHANE STEELE: Edge cheats on
Vickie with random black woman. Random black woman
interferes in one match. Random black woman disappears,
then turns up with a dancing British man.
Yeah.....
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the
second year running: Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Edge is a
brilliant worker on his own, and the fact that he has to
have Vickie appear with him in every fucking scene /
promo etc. shits me to no end.
Special mention goes to Maria /
Festus (please, just… don’t) and Paul Burchill / Katie
Lea. They’re so plain that I almost (repeat, ALMOST)
want them to finally go ahead with their heavily rumored
incest angle.
NEIL CATHAN: Being a fan of
the Brit indy scene, I was so happy when I found out
that both Burchill and Katie Lea had been called up to
RAW. Then it turned out that Vince thinks Britan=Texas.
True story actually. He used to have Booker T lose
everytime he came over here. The incestuous Brits tie
with Edge and Vickie Guerrero for this award. I just
think Vikie'd be better suited with Christian. Back when
she was in the wheelchair at least. The catchphrase
"That's how we roll."
Anything with catchphrase potential is Justin
Credible.
NICOLE COOPER: Edge and
Vickie Guerrero have provided me with countless amounts
of entertainment from the days of Crazy Edge. Those were
perhaps some of the best promos Edge has ever cut.
Despite what he has done to attempt to make this pairing
watchable, that bitch Vickie has to ruin it. It's just
not a believable pairing. Not to mention, if I remember
correctly, they weren't exactly on the best of terms
when Edge was taken out of action. It's just been going
on for too long, and Edge doesn't need to be straddled
with anyone else because he is more than capable of
handling himself. Plus, the less Vickie Guerrero, the
better.
GERSHON LEVY:
I don’t think this one made the list of nominees, but I
am going with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.
Regardless of your opinion of JR and Lawler, they were
always the standard for Raw. Michael Cole is the
suckiest there’s been, the suckiest there is, and the
suckiest that ever will be. Honestly this award
could go to Michael Cole and anyone.
ESBEN
EVANS:
Cole
& Coach. HA! I completely forgot that this was this
year. Seems like forever since Coach left for a job that
didn't involve getting humiliated frequently on TV…sure
he's still probably humiliated frequently, but
privately, and that makes aaaall the difference, at
least that's what he tells himself every night before
crying himself to sleep…oh, right, and that teaming
between Cole & Coach sucked.
14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the
year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees: The Referee fucks up the
Matt Hardy/ Miz & Morrison finish, Steph fucking up
her lines and saying she pulled an Adamle, Batista
botching his finisher on countless occasions, Mike
Adamle's entire WWE Year, WWE Fans celebrate
Undertaker';s title win at Wrestlemania on fire, Vince
McMahon vs. Telephone
SEAN CARLESS: I liked the
"blooper" where all those people at Wrestlemania
24 got burned alive by Pyro. WRESTLEMANIA: WHERE
MEMORIES ARE INDELIABLY ETCHED IN THE ANNALS OF
TIME...then only removed by a series of complicated
skin-grafts.
DEREK BURGAN: I only hope
this award can come with a YouTube best-of montage for
Mike Adamle. Forgetting your lines on your last show,
and it's your last show because YOU COULD NEVER
REMEMBER YOUR LINES, was classic. Adamle holding
his own cue cards and still constantly fucking up will
be spoken of for generations to come, much like those of
us who had to witness the Gobbeldy Gooker come out of
that fucking egg.
CATHERINE PEREZ: What's more
shocking than a guy in the crowd nearly getting roasted
at Wrestlemania 24 by celebratory pyrotechnics?
"YEAAAAAAHHHH, UNDERTAKERRRR, UNDERRRTAAA---
GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!!!" Even more shocking is that,
instead of maybe ripping off their t-shirts to help put
out the fire, everyone whips out their cellular phones
and starts recording this guy's misery to upload to
YouTube. What idiots. Don't they know that they could've
made a small profit by selling the video to TMZ or
something? Then Marc Mero and Debra could've had
something productive to do this year when word got out
to that bitch Nancy Grace~! "Nancy, I have a list here
of over 50 fans who died of pyrotechnical accidents
before the age of 45!111" Oh,
Catherine, you're always thinking about the good of the
many! Awww, thanks, random
reader!
ANTHONY DEAN: I'm gonna go
ahead and say that stray pyro shooting off into the
crowd and burning a score of people at the biggest show
of the year turns the corner from being a "blooper" a
few skin grafts back. My vote goes to a referee being
dumb enough to count a pinfall after a fucking Side
Effect. Matt Hardy wins few enough matches as it is, and
you think he's going to pick up one with the FUCKING
Side Effect? Come on, use your
head.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: The only drawback to
having a year chock-full of ridiculousness is that you
can only choose one for this category. So, let's
go with MIKE ADAMLE'S FIRST NIGHT AS ECW
ANNOUNCER. Jamaican me crazy? Uno dos
adios? Looks like Tarzan, hits like Jane?
Bloopers usually last a matter of moments. A
minute, at the most. Mike Adamle, that night, was
an hour long blooper reel. That's enough for this
award for me. God speed, Mike Adamle, you
ridiculous bastard.
JAMES SWIFT: Without
question, the best unintentional comedy of the year
involved the TNA camera crew catching Don West and Mike
Tenay reading the script on an episode of impact! How
they didn't, I don't know.EDIT it out before the airing
is one of those things that only TNA can achieve. I'm
just amazed that Russo can print so legibly with
Crayola.
SHANE STEELE: We all know
the Side Effect never wins a match. So who's fault was
it really? Wes Adams for not stopping the count? Miz for
missing his cue? Henry, Hardy, or Morrison for not
realizing something was wrong and breaking it up? Like
how many licks it takes to get to the center of a
Tootsie pop, the world may never know. Still, it was
funny to see Mizark boot the shit out of The Miz after
the match 'cause he was so
pissed.
THE SIXTH CHILD:So the pyro
cables come undone at WM24 and fireworks land in the
audience. I find it funny that among other things, WWE
uses Wrestlemania to try and milk some exposure through
several news services. And they did… for all the wrong
reasons. Lucky it didn’t happen back in the late 90s
when just about every space of the crowd used to be
taken up by signage. Even Kane would have
winced.
NEIL CATHAN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRYy0vCjb5o Mike Adamle's entire WWE
Career. Jamaican' me CRAZY! Mike Adamle had the
unintentional comedy factor of a terrible movie, and the
fact that it was acknowledged to the point that making a
mistake was called "Doing an Adamle"
rules.
NICOLE COOPER: The blooper
of the year? This one is easy. Mike Adamle. Did that man
do anything this year that wasn't considered to be an
"epic failure" or a "major fuck up"? All the way back to
the days of Jeff Harvey, going past the Undertaker
getting BIZZAY~1!!1!, all the way up to Jamaican Me
Crazy, every single thing this man has done this year
has been a blooper. Mike Adamle, the single greatest
Adamle Original you have ever presented to me was your
retirement. Jamaican me really glad that you no longer
have a job.
GERSHON LEVY: I had to put this one
in here somewhere. When Jeff Hardy was
found unconscious and the news story was picked up by a
couple of media outlets, suddenly there was this massive
scare amongst a lot of wrestling fans wondering if it
was true or not. Don’t you just love
how WWE only hits the mainstream media when something
happens that just gets them ridiculed
anyway?
ESBEN EVANS:
Vince McMahon got rickrolled…how
come no one mentioned THAT during nominations? What's
that? OH, right! Because of the lights going out ON THE
BIGGEST PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT OF THE YEAR!!! AND IT WAS
DURING SNOOP DOGG'S APPEARANCE! LOOOOOUD
NOISES!
15)MR. KENNEDY "CLOWN-SHOES'
AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS.
(wrestler who fucks up, gets injured, or just plain has
terrible luck one way or another)
Nominees: Chris Harris, the
TNA "Frontline", Mr. Kennedy, Hornswoggle, William
Regal, Mike Adamle's entire WWE Year, MVP, Jeff Hardy,
DH Smith, Batista
SEAN CARLESS: You can't
really go wrong with Mr. Kennedy himself. I mean, even
Ahmed Johnson--this category's original namesake-- would
be saying gmpfghkldfddggnhfnm gehjgkkkkk at the plight
of Ken--but mostly because he is completely
unintelligible.
And this is the guy giving MVP
kayfabe advice on Smackdown? THIS GUY? The guy's
WWE's version of fucking Nordberg from Naked Gun. Holy
shit. I have 20 year old GI Joe figures in better shape
and with more endurable appendages than Mr. Kennedy. He
totally wishes he was Zartan. (although, maybe if he was
more like him, he could just blend into the wall every
time Dr. Black comes in with the piss
test...).
But hey, I can't knock Ken too
much. He *did* get to make a movie that I'll be
picking up very soon in that Wal-Mart discount
bin filled with Howie Long's Firestorm and Jeff
Fahey's "Sketch Artist 2: Hands that see". I have to
give him that. It'll be the best 2 dollars I ever spent
on something impossibly worthless. Jesus Christ. Behind
Enemy Lines: Colombia? What, was fucking "Missing
In Action: 37: we can't even get Chuck Norris
anymore...and he's doing nothing" already
casted?
DEREK BURGAN: Mike
Adamle with the back to back win here as I can't
remember one moment where he didn't fuck up. When you
make Todd Grisham look and sound like Jim Ross,
you've certainly accomplished the
impossible.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Who better
than Mr. Kennedy himself? KAZ, that's who! To make your
big comeback to TNA from an injury as a masked man
called Suicide and then suddenly reinjure yourself,
well, it's like he was asking for it. The Suicide
costume, it's like Kenny's orange parka from South Park.
Remember that Cripple Fight episode when Timmy gave a
parka to Jimmy and suddenly airplanes and cars and
whatnot were nearly crashing into Jimmy as he walked
home? If the Cripple Fight's any indication, Suicide vs.
Jeff Jarrett should be pretty brutal, if it ever comes
about. Speaking of Suicide, by the way, I really was
hoping his gimmick would include trying to off himself
on a weekly basis... like Tim White, only much more
tasteless. Admit it, you'd love
it~!
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll give this
award to its new namesake (when you've bested Ahmed
Johnson in the vaunted field of Ridiculousness in
Wrestling, you know something's wrong) and say Mr.
Kennedy, who spent 2008 filming a straight-to-DVD movie
and winding up on injury reserve yet again, AND THAT'S
IT. That was his year.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: One
thing springs to mind when I think of this
category. "Knock knock. Who's
there? BRADEN WALKER, and I'm gonna make you
watch some of the worst TV you've ever seen."
Well, for about 2 weeks before getting his sorry ass
canned anyway. Oh wildcat, could you have possibly
given less of a shit about your job? I honestly
wish I could say more about this douche, but how much
material can you get when he's on for only a couple
weeks?
JAMES SWIFT: Who's had the
worst luck this year? Japanese wrestling fans, by far.
Companies are going under left and right, inane booking
is keeping the best and brightest out of the spotlight,
NOAH just lost it's TV deal, and just when you think
there's a saving grace in Kenta Kobashi.he breaks his
arm and is out indefinitely. It hasn't sucked this much
to be Japanese since 1945.
SHANE STEELE: Who would've
thought urine testers were such powerful and influential
individuals? Well, MVP sure knows now. Good luck
rebounding after losing to James Mason and his God-awful
tights.
THE SIXTH CHILD: If you
asked me a month ago, I would have said Jeff Hardy. In
March his house burns down. Then he loses his spot in
the Money in the Bank match after breaching the wellness
policy. He then comes back into the championship fray,
until he’s refused entry onto a plane due to
intoxication. Later he gets a title shot at Survivor
Series – until he’s “found unconscious” in a hotel
stairwell. But all his fuckups are cancelled out, as he
puts on a great match with Triple H and Edge to win the
WWE Championship.
So my vote goes to William Regal.
Getting suspended under WWE’s half-assed wellness policy
alone gets you a PhD in the field of ridiculousness. The
fact that it came after he won King of the Ring AND
retained his spot as RAW General Manager makes him the
recipient of this year’s Knob-el
Prize.
NEIL CATHAN: Mr. Kennedy
getting injured just as he was really starting to take
off AGAIN. Poor bastard's kryptonite is success. Here's
hoping that when he returns, he's not particularly
popular or good, for the sake of his
health.
NICOLE COOPER: Might as well
just pass this one over to the guy it was named after to
begin with. Of course, the guy gets injured, that goes
without saying. This is Mr. Kennedy we're talking about,
after all. Then, he takes some time off to film a movie
for WWE. Upon his return, he comes back with what could
be the most horrifying facial hair I've seen on a pro
wrestler in a long time, and with nothing else to do
aside from shill out his new shitty movie. Turns out,
none of the WWE fans care about this movie, or Mr.
Kennedy anymore. So what do you do when that happens?
Interview WWE fans about the election, of course!!!!
Yeah, that didn't work out either. Mr. Kennedy, you
either need to borrow some DNA from Matt Morgan, or just
quit while you're so far behind in
luck.
GERSHON LEVY: No
one was more ridiculous this year than Mike
Adamle. When he joined WWE, I found it slightly
amusing since he’s the former announcer from American
Gladiators and Hulk Hogan was starring on the revamped
version. But his week to week debacles really fall
under the category of “what was WWE thinking?”
Then again that category has an awful lot of
entries.
ESBEN EVANS:
Mr. Kennedy. There's a reason that
this category has been renamed…he's been suspended,
injured, and away to shoot a crappy straight to DVD
movie, to the extent that I almost always forget that he
even exists…he's been on the verge of breaking through
to the top tier too many times to count, but he always
manages to fuck it up for some reason. He's like a new
Jeff Hardy…WWE, never hire a guy who use the Swanton as
a finisher again…just
saying…
16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO
AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd
most want GONE from Wrestling)
Nominees:
John Cena, Batista, Mark Henry, Chavo Guerrero, The Big
Show, Kurt Angle, Sting, Vince Russo, Hornswoggle, Kute
Kip James, JBL, The Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler,
D-Generation X, Stephanie McMahon, Bob Holly, Vickie
Guerrero
SEAN CARLESS: My answer will
be the same for the rest of time, so I'll just C&P
it: I don't think I'd lose too much sleep if Russo,
Mantel and Jarrett all found themselves on the losing
end of a "reverse employment match". They can
then follow that up with a "reverse pulse match".
I'd be pretty revserse upset if this all
happened.
Holy fuck. Only in
wrestling would they keep around and
reward the same people that already killed another wrestling company with
their same ideas and ineptness. That'd be like
giving the dude who captained the fucking Titanic
another ship and a
pay raise. "Good luck,
Captain! What's the worst that could happen out
there!"
DEREK BURGAN: Stephanie
McMahon is like those "parody" movies Hollywood keeps
putting out. The commercials always make them seem
funny, but it's not until you watch them do you realize
how much you hated the last parody movie and why you
swore to never watch them again.
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Great
Khali makes me feel like all I have to look forward to
in my love life is a giant lummox with a protruding
chin, a terrible grasp of the English language, a
muttonchopped handler, and a strange penchant for fat
girls. And I refuse to think that my dream of marrying a
guy like, say, Edge will ever come true just because
I've got more cushion for the pushin' or whatever you
hip kids say these days. Vickie's got Edge, for fuck's
sake! I know there's still hope for me. Therefore,
Khali, get the fuck off my TV screen before a "Fat
Chicks Love Khali" t-shirt is unleashed onto the
unsuspecting public! Then I'd have to file a class
action lawsuit for slander and libel and other such
things.
ANTHONY DEAN: I don't really
know who to name here, now that nobody's favorite
anything SNITSKY is finally gone. That prayer was on
hold for about four years there but I guess it finally
got through. Would wishing away "Kissing" Khali or
"Raping" Kane be getting too greedy? Either of those
would be nice, but seriously, after such a wonderful
gift of seeing Snitsky get future endeavored, I can't
even work up the nerve to ask for it. Oh, wait,
nevermind, I almost forgot about BAM NEELY. Yeah,
him.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh man,
this one is such a no-brainer for me.
HORNSWOGGLE. I imagine I am a little biased on
this one, because I have to recap this fucker nearly
every week. But really, what does this guy bring
to the table? He's a midget, and is employed
solely for that reason. Midgets = funny, don'cha
know. Next, how old is he supposed to be?
WWE sure as hell doesn't know. If he's supposed to
be a kid, why does he have a beard and a tongue
stud? If he's supposed to be older, how come he
can't speak a lick of English (or any language, for that
matter)? If I had to guess, he's just a guy that
had mother nature attack him with an egg beater while he
was chilling out in Mrs. Finlay's uterus. So, not
only is he a midget, he probably forgot a chromosome or
two on the way into life. Unfortunate. Shall
I get flowery with my language? OK, he is a
cacophonous conundrum of creditless
catastrophe. A vertically challenged
muted-mutation of fuzzy un-youth. THAT is how much
I hate this guy, he makes me regress back to the 17th
century! I can honestly say that were he to be
caught in a burning building, I would laugh. A bit
harsh, but them's the
breaks.
JAMES SWIFT: The only place
Mike Adamle should be present on a TV screen is during
antiquated reruns of American Gladiators. That, or via
the Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer treatment.
SHANE STEELE: Although his
ability to keep coming back is impressive (how many
times has The Undertaker killed this guy?), I really
wish I didn't have to see Chavo's badger-like face
anymore.
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the
second year running, Vickie Guerrero (see #8) followed
VERY closely by Hornswoggle. Sure, he gets the kids
excited, but so does R-Truth’s rapping – and both are
fucking stupid.
Special mentions go to Chavo
Guerrero (see last year’s entry), JBL and Booker T’s
fluctuating African accent. Seriously, it comes and goes
for no fucking reason.
BOOKER: (cock eyed and speaking in
that fucking irritating accent) In my country, the lion
is the king of the jungle.
SIXXTH CHILD: There aren’t any
lions in Houston, Booker.
BOOKER: Reeeeespeeeeeect!
(SIXXTH CHILD smacks BOOKER in the
face with a shovel)
NEIL CATHAN: The Russo,
Mantell, Jarrett booking team. When crowds chant for
someone to be fired, it is not a sign of a job well
done, TNA. I'm guessing Russo's telling everyone that he
turned around the ship, like he did in WCW. There's a
part of me that's convinced that he's only working for
the company because someone there has a hard-on for
'Death of WCW' by Reynolds and Alvarez, and wants to see
how many of the mistakes in that book they can make.
NICOLE COOPER: Sting or Kip
James? Dammit, this has to be the hardest category of
the year. It's like asking if I would rather be stabbed
in the stomach or the heart. Or not. Whatever, really. I
guess I'll have to go with Sting for this one. Hear me
out though, I have my reasons. Unfortunately though, I
lose all my humor when I talk about Sting. I apologize
in advance for your impending suffering. Sting, being
the age that he was when he came to TNA, should have
been playing the role of a glorified Mick Foley, so to
speak. You know, putting the younger guys over all while
actually winning some of his matches. Turns out, he
didn't do that. Actually, he did the exact opposite. To
add onto that, he seems to have such a problem turning
heel, that he flat out refuses to and changes the promos
he gives to make himself the ONLY face in a totally heel
stable. If you can't share the spotlight with the new
guys, you simply shouldn't be around anymore. It's as
simple as that.
GERSHON LEVY: You know, of
the nominees listed I could really do without DX
anymore. Every time they
appear, it’s as cheap an attempt for a pop as Mick Foley
saying the name of the town they’re in.
Actually it’s as cheap a pop as a can of soda
that says “lemon lime” or “cola”.
Oh I know! It’s as cheap a pop
as the prostitute who takes quarters (which is nice to
know I have a use for quarters other than
laundry).
ESBEN EVANS: John Cena. The sad thing about him
being that I actually sort of like him as a wrestler,
but they can't seem to book him in any other way than
the one we've seen ever since winning his first World
Title, overcoming the odds my
ASS!
17)WHO'S "NECKS-T"? (Award for
wrestler most likely to get injured)
Nominees:
Mr. Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Great Khali,
Ricky Ortiz, Michael Cole, Mark Henry, Edge, Candice
Michelle, Kevin Nash,
SEAN CARLESS: Kevin Nash.
AGAIN. You know, the guy that has the
rare medical calamity which sees his heart and limbs
suddenly falter at the behest of the
complicated medical trigger known as
"jobbing"? Although, strangely, this
year, he's been 100% healthy since not losing a
single match. MODERN MEDICINE AT
WORK~!
DEREK BURGAN: Whichever Diva
is wrestling Candace Michelle next. Walking to the ring
for a match against her should be filmed like that time
when Vince McMahon walked past the crew before his limo
blew up. Some of them should even be crying at the
possibility of losing a loved one (I'm looking in your
direction Batista).
CATHERINE PEREZ: Now that
Kevin Nash is wrestling again, it's only a matter of
time before his entire torso explodes after hitting the
mat. Powder will fall all over the iMPACT Zone, and
it'll be Christmas all over again. Then TNA can sign
Ashley Massaro to be Fake Diesel II or something. They
can use her old porn music, too. It'll be fantastic,
only the complete opposite. That being said, I pick Mr.
Kennedy, but only because he beat Nash in the race for
injury supremacy this year... and because I never
remember his injuries, so I might as well acknowledge
the latest one before I forget again.
ANTHONY DEAN: Kevin Nash,
now that, after being on a real hot streak for a while
and winning many matches as part of the Main Event
Mafia, the time for him to start putting people over is
getting near.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm.
I will readily admit that this category is a tough one
for me. I'm going to go with JEFF HARDY
though. Don't let his recent title win fool you,
dude's one fuck-up from taking a surprisingly
non-wellness induced vacation. And you KNOW
he's going to amp it up to prove to the higher
ups that he deserves to hold onto the title. Hardy
in a neck brace in 2009, bank on
it.
JAMES SWIFT: John Cena. The
guy is the proverbial Phoenix, rising from the ashes
only to get his Achilles tendon snapped during a
pedestrian hiptoss. So yeah, I really don't know much
about mythology.
SHANE STEELE: If Mr.
Kennedy's going to get injured again, please let him
hurt his chin so I won't have to see his freakish goatee
anymore. Damn, that thing jumps out at
you.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’m not
sure why Ricky Ortiz, Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are
on this list. I thought it was the wrestler MOST LIKELY
to get injured, not the wrestling personality YOU’D MOST
LIKE to get injured.
Seeing as Jeff Hardy apparently
gets himself injured at his hotel, I’d say he’s up for a
spill in the ring soon (especially now that he’s in the
Heavyweight Championship bracket). I >really<
don’t want that to happen, but when you do swanton bombs
for a living, what do you expect?
NEIL CATHAN: Jeff Hardy.
Especially now that he's champ (finally!), Trips is even
more interested in burying him than he was before (Got
to get those all important 17 world title runs!). I
predict either blunt force trauma from all the dirt, or
suffocation. Either way, the future isn't too bright for
Jeff.
NICOLE COOPER: Judging by
recent activities alone, this award is going to Frankie
Kazarian. 2008 was set to be a pretty good year for Kaz
as he was in some pretty high profile matches, and even
got some title shots. That was of course, until he got
injured. The TNA video game comes out and we are all
introduced (or at least the 5 of us who purchased the
game) to Suicide, the most ridiculous fake wrestler
ever, but I won't get started on that one. Suicide
becomes a real wrestler, who is played by Kaz, until,
yeah, you guessed it, Kaz gets injured again. As it
turns out, Suicide is a perfect name for Kaz right now
considering that is the exact direction his career is
heading in.
GERSHON LEVY: I think all of
the nominees were injured at some time this year it
seems. I’m going to say Jeff
Hardy because I have this gut feeling he’s not going to
screw up this title run on his own, but is going to have
the tablecloth pulled from under him.
Wait, is that the expression?
All I can think of is Bill Murray in
“Ghostbusters” saying “the flowers are still
standing!”
ESBEN EVANS: Mr. Kennedy. I mentioned it before,
but I think there's a pretty good chance that he'll get
injured as soon as they start to build him up again. The
dreaded curse of the Swanton, the only way to break it
is to return every ounce of weed that you stole from the
Isla de Muerta.
18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE
FANS. US!" (event or angle
that is so terrible or tasteless, even we don't
approve). Nominees: Anything pointless or
ridiculous.
SEAN CARLESS: Barack Obama
vs. Hilary Clinton on RAW right after the ACTUAL
REAl-LIFE VERSIONS put over their product was
pretty mind numbing. You know, while not
even lampooning John McCain at all. That
doesn't even make sense! I mean, Vince would
clearly never consciously show that kind of
favortism, right? He'd never blindly support someone
like McCain, right? I mean, it's not like he could
personally relate to somebody who accomplished his
greatest feats decades ago, and who's now
perpetually angry, out of touch and insane; and a
man who's subsequent female successor is
a vapidly retarded woman whose sole appeal to
most is that she's somewhat fuckable, despite
the fact that she's insanely talentless and
unqualified for her job. WHAT WOULD HE EVEN HAVE IN
COMMON WITH THIS
MAN? Ahem.
DEREK BURGAN: Mike Adamle
replacing Joey Styles on ECW and proceeding to tell
Styles that Joey has big shoes to fill. Not that
the grave was already pissed on, but hardcore ECW fans
had the corpse dug up, fucked by Bertha Faye, covered in
horse manure, and then burned before being buried
again.
CATHERINE PEREZ: As
embarrassed as I am at TNA for naming one of their
wrestlers Suicide while employing a man by the name of
Homicide after what happened in mid-2007-- though I'm
thankful that neither of them have adopted the Crossface
into their move sets-- Million Dollar Mania brought out
the absolute worst in pro wrestling this year. It was a
sad, desperate attempt to bring in casual viewers, and
it failed in every way imaginable. So people tuned into
the first five minutes or so, in which Vince gave out
the winning password, and they then tuned out for the
night. It was absolutely stupid of WWE to not at least
change the password every half hour or so, or at least
ask a fucking trivia question. Not even "what's the
square root of onion"! And I squirmed in my seat when
Vince donned the grandpa glasses and struggled to read
the phone numbers on his cards. Then he got Rick Rolled
twice, which was arguably the highlight of the entire
giveaway. It was so embarrassing, even the Million
Dollar Mania set called it a night and collapsed all
over Vince. So let's just remember that Million Dollar
Mania caused nothing but heartache and numbing in the
legs. Oh, and it also caused Triple H to nearly die of a
panic attack because Vince hadn't yet signed the revised
will. "Vince! It's gonna be okay! Now if you'll just
scribble your name right next to that X..."
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll say the
whole Million Dollar Mania debacle, where Vince for some
reason thought yet another corporate million dollar
sweepstakes was just what the dormant masses were
waiting for to finally get back into watching wrestling.
Even if some idiot fucks whose decisions to purchase
soft drinks are actually influenced by the value of the
potential prizes listed on the packaging really did tune
in to Raw for a couple weeks to try to win a million
dollars, what then? Were they supposed to be so
enthralled by the thirty-minute long segments featuring
Vince attempting to converse with a ringtone and the
prospect of getting to watch other people constantly win
money that they'd keep on watching every week, and then
move on to purchasing Pay Per Views and merchandise too,
just because? The reality is, wrestling isn't just SO
GOOD and IF ONLY PEOPLE WOULD GIVE IT A CHANCE THEY'D BE
HOOKED. Ratings are DEcreasing. That means that where
there used to be fans, there no longer are. That means
you have a SHIT PRODUCT. That's IT. They're not watching
other shows because they want to see their face featured
at the end of My Name Is Earl. They're watching other
shows because your show isn't even as good as fucking My
Name Is Earl. Either get your shit together or don't,
but don't try to fool yourself and at tack phantom
problems with retarded yet expensive solutions, Vincent.
Also, LOVED the copout finish to the undeniably failed
concept. "Because this is such a success, I'm going to
keep on giving away money forevAAAAH! Paul! Paul I can't
feel my legs!" Absolutely unreal shit.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Going with MILLION
DOLLAR MANIA on this one. Managing to blend
together equal parts of boring, pointless, and
borderline offensive, MDM was some of the most painful
TV seen in 2008. You KNEW how this was going when
Vince got Rick Rolled on the FIRST CALLER. Oh,
also Vince apparently doesn't know how to use this
newfangled technology. We call it a phone.
He calls it a magic talking box. And to end
it..."I can't feel my legs! PAUL~!" Yes, let's do
murder...pretty much exactly a year after doing it the
first time. And we know how well THAT turned
out. I know a couple people in Atlanta that were
HUGE fans of
that angle!
JAMES SWIFT: "And to
celebrate the one year anniversary of a double murder -
suicide, let's pretend to have our CEO killed off by a
lighting rig!" That's like giving Christopher Reeve's
child a coupon for horse-riding lessons on her birthday.
SHANE STEELE: After the
JBL-Hornswoggle hospital scene, my brother turned to me
and asked "Did JBL just rape him?". I wouldn't put it
past him.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Even Rob
Feinstein looked at that scene between JBL and
Hornswoggle and thought, “Oh dear God”.
Special mention goes to
Sheik Abdul Bashir. Not only does he cut promos about
raping Lady Liberty, his theme music begins with the
sound of a plane flying into a building. Enough said.
But my vote goes to Vince McMahon
and his trifecta of idiocy. First he launches the WWE’s
Million Dollar Mania, a move that basically says to the
general public “yes, we know you wouldn’t watch this
show voluntarily – but what if we PAID you?!” The
majority of said general public still said “uummm… no”,
while those who did tune in were bored shitless as they
watched Vince fumble with the phones for several minutes
trying to call the winners.
Thankfully the segment
is eventually scrapped – after Vince is “crushed” by the
RAW set in a poor attempt to resurrect the buzz from his
limo explosion last year. We all know what happened
after that.
And finally came the
decision to start calling professional wrestlers
“entertainers”. For more on that brilliant move, see
#33.
NEIL CATHAN: A wrestling
company I've been a fan of, and pointed to as the only
company that gets it right booking a rape angle. Oh, and
the fact that Ring of Honor fans are all assholes who
cheer rape. In the same arena that was so aggressive to
JBL at ONS. Crazy.
NICOLE COOPER: I depend on
TNA to give me my weekly dose of total stupidity. If I
want a horrible angle, a ridiculous promo, or even a
terrible gimmick, I can always go to TNA. Likewise, if I
want to be embarrassed, I just listen to some of Don
West's commentary. But this year, WWE managed to outdo
TNA in that aspect by giving us all the gift of....MIKE
ADAMLE. You want something so terrible that you will be
embarrassed to be a wrestling fan? Well Mike Adamle will
do just that for you, and then
some.
GERSHON LEVY: OK I admit I
entered the Million Dollar Mania.
But I knew that this was the most PATHETIC
attempt by Vince to get ratings.
To link this to another nominee, I don’t know
what was going through his mind when he thought to have
the stage collapse was a good idea to end it (probably
“get this off of me!”). I did love when Vince
got rick rolled though (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdMj10s6nYw) .
ESBEN EVANS: WWE's Million Dollar Mania. Now
THAT was pointless. The only thing that this competition
showed us, was just how right everyone who said that
"hardcore wrestling fans are ugly, sad losers" really
were…which is of course extremely bad news for everyone
spending valuable free time writing bad wrestling jokes
for nothing on the
internet…
19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR
THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job in
wrestling.
Nominees: Armando Alejandro
Estrada, Batista, Triple H, Ezekiel Jackson, Matt
Morgan, Snitsky, Scott Steiner, Dolph
Ziggler
SEAN CARLESS: Dolph Ziggler.
Unless this guy ran over a Gypsy's daughter while on
Suspension, I think there *might* be a reason why he's
now 40 pounds smaller inside a month. Call me
crazy.
DEREK BURGAN: When Dolph
Diggler was shaking everyone's hands backstage and
introducing himself, was he trying to bump into Dr.
Zahorian or another mark
doctor?
CATHERINE PEREZ: After two
-cep tears in a row, biceps and triceps, I'm starting to
suspect that Kaz/Suicide/Kazicide is a juicer. You heard
it here ten-thousand-and-first~! Kevin Nash clearly
called out the wrong guy during that infamous PCS
Testing segment. You keep doin' what you're doin',
Sonjay!
ANTHONY DEAN: Matt Morgan.
He's steroids and superior DNA personified! Or maybe
just the first one! Seriously, NASA has got to be full
of the most naive fucks on the planet if they think that
shit's natural. All I know is, assuming the gullible
astronauts didn't hand over Matt Morgan's exalted sperm
to some radical intergalactic Fundamentalist Christian
group who needed to "check it for pre-prenatal lice,"
some day there's going to be a lot of acne-ridden,
short-tempered, micropenised space babies.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: God damn it Snitsky,
why did you have to go and get fired? Now I'm
short one easy winner for this category! My runner
up, Armando Estrada, had to get shitcanned too.
Come on people! We'll go with the only Old
Faithful left, BATISTA. Ok, he hasn't been caught
yet, but how he hasn't is beyond me. Let's
see...labyrinthe vein structure on his arms?
Check. Easily prone to violence? Check
(motherfucker hands out spinebusters at the drop of a
hat, AND he's a total dick to pretty much everyone...why
is he a face again?). Shrunken testicles?
Kelly Kelly: Check! Oh, she knows.
Ever since Test she has had quite the taste for tiny
balls. Massive heart attack? Not yet, but
here's
hoping!
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going with
an unorthodox selection: Austin Aries. As one of them
there "vegetarians", let me tell you something: It is
fucking impossible to amass muscle solely on tofu and
whey shakes. I've tried, trust me. Alas, Aries is either
sneaking in some egg white on the side or he's pumping
more gas than Exxon. I'm guessing probably both.
SHANE STEELE: I think The
Brian Kendrick is awesome, but is it too much to ask for
Big Zeke to hide his man-boobs (the #1 sign of an
obvious roid job) just a little bit? Dude's got
bigger hooters than Michelle McCool (which isn't saying
much).
THE SIXTH CHILD: That’s like
asking who the biggest fuckstick at Fox News is.
I’ll go with Scott
Steiner. It’s hilarious how he always lays into Samoa
Joe for eating too many twinkies. I personally would
choose to gorge on tasty snack treats rather than have
massive biceps that prevent me from wiping my own
ass.
NEIL CATHAN: Scott Steiner
or Vince McMahon. At that age, no-one should have that
kind of musclemass. Or muscle mass at all. Either that,
or crushed dreams of talented workers you're burying
builds muscles. Which would explain Triple H's
physique.
NICOLE COOPER: Is it even a
shock anymore? Batista all the way. All the signs are
there, you just need to look into them. The guy has
veins popping up everywhere and to say that it is
disturbing is not giving it full credit. Aggressive
behavior? Check. I'm sure he probably has Jaundice too,
but his cleverly orange fake tan covers it up nicely. It
must be great to have such a high spot in the company to
the point where you can basically put anything you want
into your body with no
repercussions.
GERSHON LEVY: Oh come on, there’s no steroids in
wrestling, don’t they have a wellness policy?
That said, I’ll go into TNA and stick with the
old reliable Scott Steiner.
ESBEN EVANS: Snitsky. He had so much acne that
I'm surprised he didn't burst like one gigantic zit
every time someone squeezed him too much in a simple tie
up.
20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR
THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating
voice)
Nominees: Angelina Love, Velvet
Sky, Raeesha Saeed, Vickie Guerrero, Jillian Hall,
Michelle McCool, Tony Atlas, Evan Bourne, Jeff Jarrett,
Michael Cole, Stephanie McMahon, Jerry
Lawler
SEAN CARLESS: Vickie
Guerrero's voice has the same effect on me that hearing
God's true voice does on people in the movie
Dogma.
DEREK BURGAN: Thank god most
readers won't ever have to hear this, but SHIMMER's
Daffney (formerly of WCW) has a scream so ear piercing
that even Melena would tell her to take it down a notch
or two.
CATHERINE PEREZ: If Marlee
Matlin could hear Vickie Guerrero's voice, she would
liken it to a banshee, a witch, and a velociraptor
yapping over a chorus of rusty gates as horses neigh
frantically, women and children weep, and that overused
soundbyte of a man screaming from every movie trailer
("YEEEEARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!") plays on loop until,
finally, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse materialize
out of the ground and lop everyone's heads off. You
know, something like that.
ANTHONY DEAN: Everybody's
favorite chick with a dick, Natalya Neidhart. "HUH HUH,
YUH BAYBEE!"
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: While they
are probably the most natural choices for this prestigious award,
I'm disregarding Jillian Hall and
Vickie Guerrero from this category. Oh, they're quite a
strain on the ear drums, but because being as irritating
as possible is their gimmick, and thus is intentional,
no thanks. So, who does it naturally? Who
else? STEPHANIE MCMAHON. Why couldn't the
camera cut off the top half
instead?
JAMES SWIFT: "Latina Heap"
Vickie Guerrero has a voice that sounds like the
combined implosion of a hot air balloon, squealing snow
tires and yelping of a basset hound simultaneously. If I
had to greet each morn to that tone, I'd probably try to
have a heart attack while brushing my teeth, too.
SHANE STEELE: I can't
understand what Tony Atlas is saying half the time. And
when I can, it's in a rocky and gravelly tone that makes
me want to jab my ears with a pair of
scissors.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie
Guerrero (if you didn’t get it the first four times, see
#8).
Special mentions go to Tony “marble
mouth” Atlas, and Michelle McCool. I must admit her mic
skills have improved … because she’s kept them to an
absolute minimum. Maybe she should do the same with
wrestling.
NEIL CATHAN: Angelina Love.
Theoretically a backstage segment with The Beautiful
People should be fun. They're good looking, and Velvet
Skye is talented in the ring, and charismatic. Angelina
Love annoys me to no end, however. She may well be
playing her role very well, but if that's the case, well
done, but it's too well. The role of annoying bitch
just...annoys me.
NICOLE COOPER: I believe I
made my choice for this award quite obvious earlier on.
VIckie Guerrero. God dammit, that bitch's voice is so
annoying it makes me want to stick coat hangers through
my ear canals. Truth be told, I've been watching any
segment involving Vickie Guerrero by herself on mute for
a long, long time now. It's not worth risking me losing
my hearing just to hear her horse-like face whine,
bitch, and moan about her seemingly permanently broken
neck before putting some unlucky bastard in a match with
The Undertaker. (You do realize I basically gave you 5
months worth of Smackdown recaps in that one sentence,
right?)
GERSHON LEVY: Jillian Hall
is too easy a pick because she’s supposed to have an
irritating voice. I’ll say Vickie
Guerrero who seems to have Eddie rolling in his grave
every time she further bastardizes his legacy by
appearing on television.
ESBEN EVANS: I thought that this one would be
more of an open contest this year…then Stephanie decided
to make her way back to my screen…good GOD woman! That
being said, Vickie Guerrero is right up there as well,
guess you can't be a woman in power without sounding
like a Banshee…what about Linda, you ask? I said women,
not robots.
21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE
ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)
Nominees:
Whatever makes youe ears bleed or you want to committ
hara kari with your CD remote.
SEAN CARLESS: I hated Randy
Orton's new theme at first, but like the Co-Stanza
jingle, it's seriously grown on me. "I hear voices in my head...they
just are all awkwardly stilted and annoyingly spaced per
syllable when they're said." I think there's a
chance that I may have forgotten the actual lyrics in
lieu of his promos. Sue me.
With that, the actual worst song in
wrestling is still Candice's (RAISE YO HANDS UP...or at
least one, the other's kinda "occupied"). It's
techno-beat still makes me long for the days of
rave-dancing in a potato sack in the New Zion in The
Matrix. (Hey, here's an idea, Neo, how about downloading
a fucking SEWING PROGRAM?)
However, that said, it turns out
that Candice's theme is but a pretender. The *true*
owner of this award has recently returned to reclaim
their throne: STEPHANIE MCMAHON. Her nauseating song
makes me want to go back to the late 60's and stab
Gloria Steinham in the heart with a rusty pair of
scissors. Truthfully. Just listening to her uber
feministic blunderfuck theme makes my testicles shrink
to the size of raisins. Which actually is OK with me. It
actually makes my penis look bigger now. So
Kudos.
DEREK BURGAN: Watching UFC's
Couture vs. Lesnar taught me one thing, THAT WRESTLING
THEME MUSIC SUCKS. All of it. Maybe TNA, as a brand
itself, should get this award because their show seems
to be built upon some music being played and the crowd
popping, but the crowd has no idea whose music is whose.
There's nothing like watching a Main Event Mafia promo,
music hit, and the crowd doesn't react until AJ Styles
actually comes out because NO ONE KNOWS AJ STYLES'
music. We've fallen a long way from Stone Cold's glass
breaking.
CATHERINE PEREZ: You know
what? I'm giving this one to Monday Night Raw. I'm TIRED
of it! Papa Roach is literally the cockroach of
Nu-Metal. They're the kind of guys who tear open and
scrape at the carton of ice cream for a spoonful long
after everyone else ate it all, or some other analogy
you can relate to milking off of the teat of a
dying/dead music genre. WWE's Superstars are supposed to
be total bad-asses who don't give a fuck about anyone's
opinion of them, not a bunch of whiny queermoes (that's
about as awkward as pluralizing 'dildo') who long to be
loved. Who can get pumped up for a wrestling show
listening to such lyrical content as "Whoa, I'll never
give in // Whoa, I'll never give up // Whoa, I'll never
give in // And I just wanna be, wanna be loved // Whoa,
I'll never give in // Whoa, I'll never give up // Whoa,
I'll never give in // And I just wanna be, wanna be
loved," besides Joey Lawrence in the era of Blossom?
Hey, those lyrics are pretty deep. And repetitive. And
shitty. Runner up goes to Wrestlemania 24 with Snow (Hey
Oh) by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. What a terrible
choice, dear God.
ANTHONY DEAN: AHEEYUH VOICES
IMMAHEA THEY TALKTA ME THEY UNNUSTAN. Randy Orton. Even
with the benefit of following his awful previous "HEY!"
theme, it still makes already cringing people even less
enthused about "getting" to witness a Randy Orton
match.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: She might
have been gone most of the year, but her music is just
so fucking bad that hearing it once is enough to chomp
into that cyanide pill I was saving for a special
occasion. CANDICE MICHELLE, why did you
voluntarily choose that music? The old version was
blah, but passable. Hearing RAISE YO HANDS
UP fifty thousand times is a torture
that should only be reserved for Gitmo residents.
If there was any justice in the world, the DJ's who
mixed that song would've been on that Learjet 60 in
South Carolina. Nope, just DJ AM. Oh well,
he sucks ass too, so small victories and all
that.
JAMES SWIFT: Kurt Angle's
new "rap" entrance theme is the lamest thing I've ever
heard. Seriously, Perry Como eating vanilla ice cream in
a blizzard isn't as white as that song.
SHANE STEELE: Finlay's music
used to be pretty badass. Now we get happy Irish jig
music which any Irishman would be ashamed to dance to.
And what kind of name is "Hes Ma Da"
anyway?
THE SIXTH CHILD: Before I
pick a winner, I’d like to ask you a question… loudly…
about 60 consecutive times. PEOPLE OVER THERE
WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP? WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP? WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP?
WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP?
Special mention goes to Kelly Kelly
(Squalor!), Priceless, (yep, you’d be a fucking moron to
put a price on that song) and Randy Orton (who
apparently hears voices in his head, they come to him,
they understand, they talk to him. Do. They. Sound.
Like. Every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence.
Too?)
NEIL CATHAN: I'm concerned.
According to Randy Orton's music, he hears voices! I'm
sure that Canadian guy who never existed heard voices!
Someone get to this immediately, before Orton soccer
kicks his wife and child! Or even hits the RKO! He can
hit it from ANYWHERE. Literally. Just the other day, I
was writing criticism of Orton over the internet, as my
god give right as a fat
internet fan member of the IWC, and he jumped
out of my computer screen while giving me the RKO,
kicked my Dad, who also has no first name, in the head
and left. Clearly, someone must intervene to prevent
such a tragedy from happening to the Orton
family.
NICOLE COOPER: This will be
a shocker, especially to all those who actually bother
to read my Impact Recaps, but I'm giving this one to the
Motor City Machine Guns. Just like every other TNA theme
song, it's a rip off of a previously recorded song. The
song is called 1977, and unlike the MCMG theme, it
rocks. Hard. TNA takes it, gives it a horrible tune,
changes the year, and gives it pathetic lyrics and
thinks it's good enough. Well guess what, TNA? It's not.
I'm still convinced it's all part of some high-up plan
in TNA where they try their hardest to make Alex Shelley
into the biggest joke of a wrestler ever. And guess what
else, TNA? It's still not
working.
GERSHON LEVY: Well I want to
pick a theme that was new this year and I’m going with
Priceless. It’s one of those
days where the music department of WWE got lazy, like
too lazy to even pick up a cup to piss in because you
can’t get off your ass to get to the
bathroom.
ESBEN EVANS:
Mick Foley's new one…wow, just
wow…the first one he had in TNA was annoying on its own,
but the added rap lyrics was just the icing on the
cake…a cake of pure crap that
is…
22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN
OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: R-Truth's depush, CM
Punk title reign, The Brian Kendrick's depush, the New
ECW Talent Initiative, the Prince Justice
Brotherhood, the Main Event Mafia, TNA Impact Video
game, Michael Cole to RAW, Triple H vs. Kozlov
feud, Smackdown's move to an obscure network that no one
gets, MVP's losing streak, Kane
revealing...Mysterio´s mask?, WWE releasing Elijah
Burke, Kute Kip still existing on this planet,
Jericho title run gets cut short; the spinner belt not
being obliterated.
SEAN CARLESS: CM Punk
getting derailed kind of sucked. And it was going so
well, too. Seriously. His push was kind of like
getting a pretty good blowjob. Here it is, a hot
broad gobbling your shaft, you sitting there thinkin',
"Hey, I'm getting all of this good stuff even
though I'm all dirty and sloppy and shit! This is
all pretty cool!"-- then a few seconds later,
the same woman bites your penishead off and goes
back to blowing the usual jock assholes while
you're forced to watch, desperately look for your
discarded nubbin, and still being expected to jack
off to the shit you'll never get again. This was CM
Punk's year in a nutshell. Only with blowjobs. You
see.
DEREK BURGAN: The letdown of
the year award for me goes To RF Video's shoot interview
with Jerry Jarrett. For what should have been one of the
all time great shoots (along with ones I hope to see
from Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, and Michael Hayes), this was
botched from point one when the interviewer ended up
being DOI's The Mic. Watching this DVD was like a punch
in the gut. Overall it wasn't the worst shoot of all
time, but it could have been so much more.
Runner-up: Cena vs. Batista. What
could have been a HUGE WrestleMania hype job got ruined
when we all saw they just aren't that good together. The
thought of Cena vs. Batista is so much better than the
actual thing.
CATHERINE PEREZ: As much as
I love the guy-- and believe me, I LOVE the guy-- I'm
voting for the return of Edge. Son of a bitch, I was
expecting hellfire and brimstone and Psycho Edge to rise
up from under the stage like fucking Gangrel with a
giant psycho grin on his face, ready to do unspeakable
things to Vickie for forcing him into the Cell and
whatnot. If nothing else, I was expecting Vickie's
little office phone to ring, and Vickie to scream in
horror as Edge greeted her and proceeded to tell her
about the horrible things he'd do to her when he got
back. Then I remembered that Hell probably doesn't send
out collect calls. Instead, the entire Undertaker feud
is retconned in exchange for more Edge and Vickie
lovefests! I almost cried. I've never been more
disappointed in the last four years. I'm actually typing
this up from the comfort of my dark corner. It's very
hard to type while in the fetal position. Anyway,
thinking about how badly I've been fucked over gives me
a bad case of the shits. Of course, I'm sure something
awesome is just around the corner for Edgeward. Yeah,
I'm only saying that to remain optimistic.
ANTHONY DEAN: The Royal
Rumble was completely open-ended and up in the air
throughout the entire match with no clear winner in
sight. And then Triple H and John Cena came in and
killed everyone during like the last five minutes of the
match. Dishonorable mention goes to Triple H doing the
exact same thing by himself in Smackdown's Championship
Scramble, minus the "no clear winner, up in the air"
part.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Let's go with...LATE
YEAR WWE IN GENERAL. Now, I've already covered CM
Punk's wonderful ride, which was akin to a Plane taking
off, only for it to nosedive and plow into the ground at
supersonic speed. But let's expand on that
concept. Like I said, there was a point this year
that had all of the title holders on Raw were serious
up-and-comers. It was a time where we, as watchers
of this fine program, were perhaps, dare I say, excited to see what was on the
horizon. Yeah, let me know how many times you can
honestly say that about the IWC. Pessimism is our
calling card. So, leave it to WWE to go "Push new
people?! Not on our watch!" You can certainly make
a case for Chris Jericho, but he's genuinely earned his
spot, along with WWE having pushed him before (lucky for
him, HHH went to the other brand before he squashed this one too). Everyone
else in the Main Event? Not so much. We have
Cena, Orton, Batista, JBL, and HBK. I'm not
doubting the talent of each guy...surely each of them
brings something to the table, right? My problem
is that it's nothing new. The non-Cena ratings of
Raw pretty much tell the tale, but WWE is just going
"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LALALALA."
JAMES SWIFT: Gabe Sapolsky
being fired as head booker at ROH. I think that pretty
much sums up the U.S. economy right now when you can be
the absolute best in your chosen profession and still
end up shitcanned because the company needs to save a
few nickels here and there on traveling expenditures.
SHANE STEELE: Triple H vs.
Kozlov was supposed to be the moment Communism finally
triumphed over the futile ways of Capitalism. Now, it
seems Kozlov is destined to be just another monster heel
(albeit a COMMUNIST monster heel) doing the sporadic job
to a main eventer here and there. The Red Menace still
won in my heart.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Australia
only started broadcasting TNA Impact this year, and
after 20 years of watching nothing but WWF/WWE, it’s
been a breath of fresh air. One of my biggest regrets is
that I never watched WCW back in the day, so I jumped on
the TNA bandwagon as soon as I had the chance. A lot of
it has been great – the rough cut segments, the World X
Division matches, and (shock shock) they actually have A
TAG TEAM DIVISION and female wrestlers who look good and
wrestle even better.
But for every good thing about the
company, there are five stupid things to counter it.
Eric Young looking for Elvis? “Sarah Palin” giving
makeovers to the Beautiful People? And in every single
backstage skit, there’s Jeremy Borash playing the human
microphone stand. Doesn’t TNA have a boom-mic
operator?
And that’s another thing: I HATE it
how TNA constantly reminds us how they haven’t got as
much money and resources as WWE. As one promo proclaims:
“They’re not doing it for the million dollar contracts…
(long pause) because there AREN’T any!” Stop fucking
telling us and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
And a
final rant point: TNA’s main event wrestlers are in
serious need of some direction. As I see it, the company
is basically heading down the same doomed path as WCW
with its political bullshit and half baked storylines.
Then again they’ll be lucky if they even make it to WCW
status. When you struggle to poach fans watching TODAY’S
WWE product, you need to make some serious adjustments
ASAP.
I
am DYING to see TNA give WWE a run for its money. But as
has been the case with wrestling over the past eight or
so years, I’ll probably have to call the ARGAIV hotline
after 4+ hours of rock solid
nothingness.
NEIL CATHAN: The start of
TNA's year earned them such high praise as "better than
last year" and "actually quite good" by the internet's
most respected and loved individual: Me. Despite
receiving the much sought after "Neil Cathan official
stamp of approval", TNA then went on to be just as
terrible, and bury their own talent just as much as they
had done before. It's almost as if they don't want my
praise.
NICOLE COOPER: I knew what I
was going to put for this one before I even received the
categories. The biggest letdown of the year, without a
shadow of a doubt, was Randy Orton's injury. 2008 was a
great year for the IWC in that Cena's presence was
fairly minimal until the very end, and Randy Orton was
doing a great job with the title in the meantime. It
goes without saying that Randy Orton still is the future
of the WWE, and seeing him now, not in the title
picture, it sucks pretty badly to say the very least.
There is a bright side to everything though, but we'll
get to that later on.
GERSHON LEVY: I’ll admit the
Kane with his bag angle had me intrigued for a little
while because I thought there was a chance he was going
to go back and put his mask on again.
I’m not a fan of Mysterio, so that killed the
angle for me.
ESBEN EVANS: Kane pulling out Mysterio's mask.
Not only didn't it make any sense, and I mean it like in
it being a swerve of WCW like proportions. But
seriously, they could've made Kane badass again, they
could've gone back in time and taken away those hours
and hours of pain and irrelevance and changed it to
something cool again. They could've given us a legit
monster heel to hate and fear again…they gave us a
crappy storyline and a Rey Mysterio who never showed any
signs of being scarred at all, which of course resulted
in Kane looking like a
douche…again…
23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE
CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the
least amount of real-life credibility in public for
whatever reason)
Nominees: Vince McMahon, Jake
Roberts, TNA, Booker T, Ric Flair for getting his ass
beat by his daughter's drunk hick boyfriend,
Raven, Kanyon, and MIKE SANDERS suing WWE to challenge
the ENTERTAINERS' independent contractor status five
years after any of them worked there, The WWE Kiddie
Era, WWE.com, Michael Cole;
SEAN CARLESS: Michael Cole.
At everything. He's the world's most annoying Teddy
Ruxpin. He just rattles the same exact bullshit phrases
ad nauseam, as if at command. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER~!
(Don't try that wine! It tastes like dying!) NOT THIS
WAY~! RIGHT IN THE SKULL~! I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM
MANHANDLED THIS WAY~! And then there's the robotic
canned laughter. He's like a Stepford Wife whose
face is giving birth to a fucking chimpanzee. I hate him
in ways not even detectable by the human psyche. I'd
like to punch him in the SKULL until he's
dead.
But other than that, he's
ok.
DEREK BURGAN: I had a tough
choice on this one, both from Hulk Hogan's Celebrity
Championship Wrestling. First I was going to with Eric
Bischoff's character, but ended up choosing Jimmy Hart.
All of Hart's "critiques" of the matches and wrestlers
were beyond laughable, but he gets the Fanny for his one
show BRAVURA performance we he helped the celebs pick
out their gimmicks.
CATHERINE PEREZ:
JBL for the ridiculous
claims he makes about his stupid energy drinks. Have you
seen his Mamajuana "Where's My Mama" ad? I'd consider
you lucky, but I really do want you to take a look at
it:
Yeah,
sure. A chunky, 42-year-old man with bitch tits and a
beer belly is going to get a bunch of good-looking young
bitches to feel him up and bump uglies with him. Then
there's his other drink, Energy Plus, whose website and
ad have a hilarious bit about Jibble weighing 330+
pounds in 2006. They even provide a hilariously
photoshopped image of Jibble stretched out further than
we've ever seen him, with a gut that rivals The
Sandman's 2005 gut. Next to that, of course, is a
picture of the guy lifting weights and looking better
than he has, uh, all year or the years before that. I'd
like to remind you all that Jibble wrestled until May
2006 and returned three weeks later as commentator, then
got right back to wrestling just five months later. Hey,
I know it's easy to gain 40+ pounds in a short amount of
time, especially after an injury, but considering how
often he was featured on TV for damn near all of 2006, I
think I can safely observe that JBL never looked like
the fat guy depicted on the website, nor does he look
that buff now. Seriously, he's had that undefined
stomach and those meaty tits since the JBL gimmick
debuted, if I recall correctly. Plus, there's
misspellings and bad grammar on the site, and that's
usually indicative of a scam. Wow, I sure did my
homework for this category, LAWL~!
ANTHONY DEAN: Raven, Kanyon,
and MIKE SANDERS suing the WWE to challenge its
independent contractor status like five years after any
of them worked there. For some reason, I doubt that
"Will Bleed For Money" Raven, "Would-Be World Champion
But For My Cockbreath" Chris Kanyon and "Who?" Mike
Sanders are doing this on behalf of the WWE's current
signed talent out of a deep-rooted compassion and a
desire to see them living comfortably and healthy in
their later years, and more because they made poor
decisions with their own money or careers and thus are
pretty much down to either slugging it out in for
another decade or two in towns beginning with "Bumble"
and ending in "fuck," or Target. Also, I love how you
just know that Raven pretty much drafted their entire
stance, with two of his buddies then just latching on
and saying "Yeah, right, whatever man, so does this mean
I can go out and get a couple grams on credit tonight?"
Forgive me if I question the purity of their motives in
this endeavor. Maybe I'm just a pessimist. And maybe
fucking Raven is a devout humanist.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: RANDY
ORTON. One story this year sealed it for me.
Young Randall was fast on the road to recovery from his
broken collarbone, when he decided to go ahead and take
a joy ride on his motorcycle in shorts and a
t-shirt. Feel free to ask Ben Roethlisberger and
Kerry Von Erich how good an idea that was. Oh, but
don't let that stop you Randy! Just go ahead and
get launched 300 yards or whatever when you wreck.
And somehow only re-break your collarbone, and NOTHING
ELSE. Yeah, having a little trouble believing this
story, only because it completely violates laws of
physics. And a completely ridiculous story is
appropriate for a completely ridiculous man. Hotel
rooms beware, Orton will be
there!
JAMES SWIFT: JBL. Why, you
may ask? Well, let's take a gander at the next awards
category.
SHANE STEELE: I barely trust
anything WWE.com says anymore. And when I try to check
the TNA results through their "Industry News" section,
they always screw with me by saying stuff like
"So-and-So lost to Somebody" instead of "Somebody
defeated So-and-So". What's up with
that?
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vince
McMahon (see #18 and #33), who continues to try and
exude credibility in the one place he can’t – outside
the wrestling industry.
NEIL CATHAN: A professional
wrestling company that, with the exceptions of a few
things that have bombed (Vulture Squad) or been utterly
tasteless (rape), has generally been the standard of how
booking should be, compared by many to ECW in terms of
booking and character. And remember that ECW, excellent
though it was, has had things that have been
disappointing, and has had the controversially tasteless
(crucifixion). So Cary Silkin, panicking about a recent
decline, fires the man considered to be the best booker
currently working, and replaces him with Adam Pearce. A
wrestler (and we all know how well having a wrestler as
booker turns out. Remember how great a job Nash did with
WCW? Or Ole Anderson with the NWA? Jarrett in TNA?),
with no prior booking experience. Good move Cary Silkin,
good move. While there's an off chance that this will
actually work, it's just that: an off chance. And with
Silkin and Pearce planning to move the company in a
direction away from Sapolsky's, the company will lose
the style which has defined it and made it stand out as
being something so different. Silkin has the least
credibility as far as I'm
concerned.
NICOLE COOPER: We'll go back
in time with this one and give this honor to Hulk Hogan.
As if the divorce wasn't bad enough, surely his son
being locked up is. The phone calls from Nick's prison
cell where he blames Nick's friend for any injuries he
suffered proved to everyone that Hulk Hogan always has
been, and still is, a huge, arrogant douche bag. Oh, and
being accused of having an affair surely didn't help
Hulk's case too much. But then again, could you really
blame the guy? Either way, you add all of this up
together and you can clearly see that Hulk Hogan is
absolutely full of shit.
GERSHON LEVY: Well since all major
WWE decisions go through Vince, he’s the guy who
wins. This year just saw so
many ridiculous things going on beyond the
storylines. From Million Dollar
Mania to taking the sports out of sports entertainment
to making the product more kid friendly.
I knew when Raw became TV-PG things were not
looking good.
ESBEN EVANS: Raven? Sure, Kanyon? Yeah,
okay…Mike Sanders? Come on dude, get real…I remember him
as a decent wrestler and a pretty entertaining guy back
in WCW when I first got into wrestling. But for him to
sue WWE despite never showing up on the main roster and
only being in development long enough to MAYBE have a
cup of weak cider and botch a hip toss or whatever is
laughable. You ARE not relevant, and you never WERE
relevant…just fuck
off…retard…
24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD.
Greatest show of testicular fortitude. (in the ring, in
real life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy
motherfucker)
Nominees:
Undertaker wrestling a ladder match injured, HBK's wife
taking a legit punch, John Morrison ladder spot at WM
24; Y2J's ladder bump at No Mercy, Joey Styles KO's JBL,
Brock Lesnar in UFC,
SEAN
CARLESS:
God bless, Joey. He's a trail
blazer. And right now, because of him, there's
rookies in the the shower with a newfound sense of
relief (and whom no longer have to have their soap
on a rope shackled to their arm with a motorcycle chain
and 10 pound padlock, just in case.). Joey is my hero.
Sandwich. This will stop
once he stops doubling for Jared the Subway
Guy.
DEREK BURGAN: How do you not
go with Joey Styles on this one considering who he
punched? I thought Randy Orton had this one in the bag
with a strong year, but Joey's The Punch Heard Round The
Net takes the cake and will be talked and written about
for ages.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Joey Styles
for socking JBL in the fucking face during WWE's tour of
Iraq, of course! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! For a guy who's
smaller than I am, Joey sure is a brave little toaster fucker, standing up for
all 5-foot-7, glasses-wearing webmasters out there! My
5-foot-9, glasses-wearing web contributing self thanks you,
Mr. Styles. Will JBL's credibility ever recover? We can
decide that after JBL creates a new spinach-flavored
energy drink that guarantees Popeye-like strength while
lacking any medical testing to back it up. He's got one
for everything else anyway. Shit, do I have some kind of
geeky grudge against Jibble this year or something? Dear
God. Congrats on your new-found bad-assery, Joey!
ANTHONY DEAN: I would say
Joey Styles punching out JBL, but really, how big of a
pussy would a guy have to be NOT to hit a big drunk dude
whose constantly fucking with him? It's beyond worrying
about your job at that point. I'll vote for Brock
Lesnar, who, after becoming WWE Champion while
legitimately hurting guys in a wrestling ring, managed
to successfully transition himself into becoming the UFC
Champion by doing the exact same thing in a cage! Bob
Holly can't even get the first part of Brock's formula
down, despite Lesnar once showing him very close and
personally how it's done. Proof that true winners are
born, not made. And that Bob Holly is
shit.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh please,
like it could be anyone but JOEY STYLES. The only
problem is making original jokes for this, being
essentially a nerd's wet dream. When they read the
story of the Subway guy laying out everyone's worst
nightmare (especially in showers), I imagine there was a
collective jumping of joy. Though I would also
imagine that would result in a massive earthquake that
would kill millions, so shows what I know. Kudos
to you Joey, you are truly the manliest of men.
How much so? I had a dream about him recently
being a guest on the Colbert Report, saying nothing but
OH MY GOD~! It was an awesome episode. And
yes, my dreams can be very random, thanks for
asking.
JAMES SWIFT: It simply
doesn't get any better than having a 170 pound
manifestation of my wayward adolescence knock the dog
shit out of a loudmouth, corporate shill- billy bully
like Jonathan Bradshaw Layfield. It simply doesn't.
Congrats, Joey. You are hereby referred to as "the
fucking man".
SHANE STEELE: Who'd have
thought Joey Styles of all people would be the guy to
finally punch JBL after his bullying ways? Of course,
now Joey's got to watch his back whenever he
showers.....
THE SIXTH CHILD: While I’m
tempted to say Mike Adamle (see #11), I’m more inclined
to go for Brock Lesnar. He won the UFC Championship
against Randy fucking Couture. That takes tremendous
brass balls.
But Lesnar is a trained punching
machine. Joey Styles isn’t. And his decision to knock
JBL the fuck out makes him the ballsiest individual of
2008. A skinny, glasses-wearing announcer puts a world
class cockhead like Jibble in his place. Time has come
for Revenge of the Nerds, motherfucker!
NEIL CATHAN: OH MY GOD! JBL
gets KTFO'd by Joey Styles of all people. As an ECW fan,
who didn't like JBL before he said the bad stuff and
beat up Blue Meanie, good on Mr. Styles. With Lesnar's
demolition of Couture and Styles one-hit KOing JBL
(Seriously, I thought only fissure and horn drill could
do that), I think that it's only a matter of time before
we see the true dream match: Joey Styles vs Brock
Lesnar.
NICOLE COOPER: As much as it
pains me to type this, it's all John Cena. Who the hell
else would have shown up to a show that they aren't even
on the day of their surgery? I'm still against the guy,
and I still think he is bland, boring, and needs to
update that move set of his, but the fact that he did
that was pretty fucking
crazy.
GERSHON LEVY: How can it NOT
be Joey Styles. JBL is one big dude
and Joey never seemed to be a guy who was a threat
physically. But man, when I heard
about this I marked out bigger than anything that
happened on TV all year.
ESBEN EVANS: Mike Sanders…seriously, as retarded
I think he is for doing it, it does take balls to take
on WWE when you barely have any history with the company
at all. Sure he may only do it because he has nothing to
lose, and because he's got his friends with him (and
what better friends than a well hung jew and a
flamboyant gay guy), but I still admire his will to go
out guns blazing or
whatever.
25) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT
GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace
in wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real
plunge in quality, effort or company push in just
one year’s time).
Nominees: CM Punk, Batista, Kane,
Rey Mysterio, The Big Show, MVP, The Great Khali, Samoa
Joe, Chavo Guerrero
SEAN CARLESS: MVP. If
this shit keeps up, I expect to one day see him
wrapped in newspapers & tin cans sleeping in
his inflatable tunnel in an alley
somewhere.
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going to
go with Shark Boy here because now he is being put
only as "an the rest, here on Gilligan's Isle"
spot in 10 man X-Division matches when he was starting
to get a lot of time on the show, especially with the
Prince Justice Brotherhood bullshit. He's either going
to be let go, or come back in six months still doing
that stupid Steve Austin rip-off gimmick and no one will
know what the fuck is going on.
CATHERINE PEREZ: How many
times would Samoa Joe have to do consecutive annual jobs
to Sting on a pay-per-view before he snaps and decides
that maybe jumping to WWE as Umaga's cousin Ba'aloga
doesn't sound so bad? Nothing wrong with taking a huge
increase in pay at the expense of reinforcing negative
Samoan stereotypes, is there? I think every Samoan ever
in the WWE would concur. Joe's World Heavyweight
Championship win in April came way too fucking late, in
my opinion, and even though he's got Kurt Angle beat by
2 days for the longest individual reign, I can't
remember a single damn day of it. It's nothing against
Joe; I love Joe as much as the next person, but, well,
let me just ask this: how does he not melt those pounds
away on that hamster wheel to Nowhere?
ANTHONY DEAN: MVP, who went
from holding the US Title for almost a straight year to
legitimate World Title Contender to hopeless jobber who
can't buy a win and, perhaps most notably, doesn't even
have an inflatable entrance tunnel anymore.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Can't use CM Punk for
this category. To me, it reflects net change from
the beginning of the year to the end of the year.
Punk sucked the beginning of the year, he sucked the end
of the year. No change = no award. Let's go
with BIG SHOW on this one. Perhaps it's just the
thrill of him coming back leaner and meaner wearing off,
but after Wrestlemania it's been all downhill for the
big man. Come on, his finisher is punching people
now! Yeah, that worked AWESOME for Tank
Abbott. Plus, it takes a lot to make a casket
match with the Undertaker so God-awfully boring.
So for Big Show going from exciting to see again to a
complete snooze fest, here's your award! Now go to
hell. There's been a vacancy since Edge left for
no reason...
JAMES SWIFT: Takeshi
Morishima. He held the ROH title for nearly a year,
actually managed to get Misawa to JOB for a change and
even secured a try-out with the 'E.and he totally and
completely sucked it up all over Japan for the remainder
of the year. Five bucks says that this time next year
he's mopping floors in Iwata Prefacture.
SHANE STEELE: This time last
year, MVP was still holding the US title and coming off
a tag team title reign with the always-dull Matt Hardy.
Now he's jobbing to the likes of Kung Fu Naki and James
Mason (I will never let him live down James Mason as
long as I live). Keep reaching for that rainbow, MVP.
It's not like Triple H will pull it away from you at the
last second or
something....
THE SIXTH CHILD: Last year I
said MVP was the most improved wrestler. Now it’s come
to this.
What in God’s name are
they doing to this guy? He goes from U.S. Champion
to jobbing against the jobber’s jobber, Kung Fu Naki?!
Please don’t tell me MVP got all this because he pissed
off a urine sample attendant (see what I did
there?).
NEIL CATHAN: I call double
standards. John Cena makes gay and poop jokes all the
time, and is pushed, but MVP makes one crack about a guy
training to stare at guys peeing, and is punished. At
least since Cena is black too, we know it's not racism.
Still, Most Valuable Jobber's treatment since his joke
is a tragic example of a career pissed
away.
NICOLE COOPER: This one will
sound pretty crazy until I explain myself, so be
forewarned. It's Samoa Joe. Okay, okay, calm yourselves
down ROHbots, and remove your hand from the gaping hole
your mouth has just become. I can hear each and every
one of you scream "BUT JOE WAS THE CHAMP! HOW IS THAT
PLUMMETING!?!" Allow me to tell you. Yes, he did become
TNA champ, but he became TNA champ about a year and a
half too late. Did you hear that sound that followed him
where ever he went this year? It's the sound of total
indifference, or as I like to call it, the Taylor Wilde
Pop. As soon as that was over and done with, he joins
the TNA Originals in a "war" that's better off not being
fought at all, and gets immediately buried by the Main
Event Mafia. Samoa Joe went from fan favorite, to male
Taylor Wilde, to being totally taken out by the Main
Event Mafia. Perhaps it's not the worst scenario of the
year, but I figured I'd just point this one
out.
GERSHON LEVY: Kane should
get this award every year.
It seems like at some point every year, he starts
a new angle or feud that could potentially be a big push
but then ends up being something so pointless the payoff
is usually on free TV. I honestly think the
guy deserves a legit title run, even for only a couple
months before he retires. If nothing else, it’s
only fair for all the crappy angles he’s had to do over
the years.
ESBEN EVANS:
MVP. CM Punk fell long and hard
this year, but not in that hilarious Wile E. Coyote sort
of way that MVP did. He made one bad joke, and the
ground sort of just disappeared from underneath him
(pretty sure he even made a double take right before
falling) and I can't remember if he's won a match
since…sad, when you think about it…
26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET
PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)
Nominees:
Chris Jericho, Edge, HBK, HHH, Randy Orton, CM Punk,
Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Sting, Nigel
McGuinness, Bryan Danielson, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy,
Brock Lesnar (UFC)
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho.
Normally, the sudden disappearance of a man's pants
means trouble is ahead for you or the one's you love,
but for Chris Jericho, it was the beginning of a
career-best year. Without
pants.
DEREK BURGAN: The Beautiful
People in HD.
CATHERINE PEREZ: WINNER:
Edge. RUNNER-UP: Edge. SECOND RUNNER-UP: Edge. What
other wrestler had the balls to press his lips onto
Vickie Guerrero's face repeatedly? What other wrestler
single-handedly sparked genuine interest in an otherwise
typical Undertaker feud? What other wrestler went a week
without combing his hair or bathing just for added
effect in his bad-ass psycho character? What other
wrestler can sweep me off my feet like a 13-year-old
girl at a Twilight premiere despite his large, bulbous
eyes and Leno-esque chin? Yes, Chris Jericho was pretty
awesome this year, but Edge got me back to watching
Smackdown religiously for the first time since I tuned
out in early 2006. Go, Edgeward~!
ANTHONY DEAN: Without a
doubt Shawn Michaels. He was outstanding in two of the
best feuds of the year (vs Ric Flair, vs Chris Jericho)
and had several good matches with Batista even! Just an
all-around great performer in 2008, as usual.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: No one has
signified this award better than anyone else this year
other than...EDGE. Fuck HHH, there's a new blonde
bearded menace in town! Simply put, the guy puts
out the goods whenever he is on screen. Psycho
Edge provided some of the most entertainment outside of
the ring, and inside the ring? Wrestlemania
24? AWESOME. Rated PG Hell in a Cell?
FANTASTIC. Saving the boring as hell HHH/Koslov
match? A GODSEND. Simply put, when it's big
time, this guy delivers big. Edge was somehow
involved in almost every great moment of the year, and
that's good enough for this
writer.
JAMES SWIFT: Just because
someone here has to be the voice of reason, KENTA. This
guy has had so many near five star classics this year
that it's ridiculous, and he's able to do it with a
variety of adversaries (heavyweights like Kensuke Sasaki
and junior heavyweight standouts like Kota Ibushi
alike). The champ is here.and he's sporting a Moe Howard
haircut.
SHANE STEELE: It was a tough
choice for me between Santino and Kozlov, but in the
end, I went with my Communist heart and picked Kozlov.
All these years I'd been saying the Reds would rise
again, and what happens? Communism happens! "United
forever, in friendship and labor, our mighty republics
will ever endure!". What, nobody wants to sing
along?
THE SIXTH CHILD:Jeff Hardy.
It was good to see WWE cap off its 2008 PPV season by
crowning Hardy the champ. The Hardys went from an
obscure tag team – managed by everyone from Dok Hendrix
to Gangrel to Terri Runnels – to tearing down arenas all
over the world with some of the sickest moves ever. Then
they went on to do what very few tag teams have done
successfully – become credible singles competitors.
Despite
all his flaws, it was great to see Jeff finally succeed.
It’s now his job not to fuck it up.
Special mention goes to Vladimir
Kozlov, 2008’s best newcomer. Aside from the whole tired
fucking Russian heel gimmick, Kozlov is a solid, no
frills in-ring performer. His debut with plain white
trunks, no theme music and plenty of size, power and
agility made him a classic, no-nonsense heel.
The last
one of those WWE had is now teamed up with a fucking
leprechaun.
NEIL CATHAN: This is a
biased entry. At an independent event, I saw Chris Hero
wrestle. He worked a good match, but seemed more excited
by seeing fan who had turned up dressed in a Hero
outfit. He pointed her out with a huge grin on his face.
Later in the show, I bought an awesome version of the
Virgil image with him replacing Virgil with the phrase
"CHRIS HERO: WRESTLING SUPERSTAR?" on it, and when I was
panicking over a lost, signed DVD, he helped me look,
before giving me a copy of one of his DVDs for free.
Chris Hero: Nicest wrestler in the world. So I feel
obliged to give him wrestler of the
year.
NICOLE COOPER:And now we get
serious. This one speaks for itself. There is no
wrestler around today who had a better year than Chris
Jericho, which really says something when you compare it
to his 2007. Heel Chris Jericho? Brilliant.
Woman-abusing Chris Jericho? Amazing. Jericho/Michaels
feud? Perfection. Chris Jericho as Heavyweight Champion?
It simply gets no better.
GERSHON LEVY: When Chris Jericho
threw Shawn Michaels’ head through the fake flat screen
TV during the Highlight Reel, that was one of the best
heel turns I’ve ever seen.
Jericho had gotten more or less stale at that
point, and from that point on had a run that saw him get
two title runs and more heat than almost any other
person on the roster. He completely
reinvented himself and it totally
works.
ESBEN EVANS: Chris Jericho. You sir, are a
machine, 'nuff said. However, in terms of storylines,
HBK had the 3 greatest feuds and he had arguably 2 or 3
of the best matches, so I actually think I'm gonna give
him the nod.
27)MATCH OF THE YEAR
(other than my Ass and your Face)
Nominees:
Whatever rocked your socks.
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho
vs. HBK at No Mercy in a Ladder Match. The only other time I enjoyed seeing a
much younger man tip a balding older guy off a ladder
more, was when I was helping Dad put up the Xmas
lights 3 weeks ago. He was 53. And
bald.
DEREK BURGAN: That Dragon
Gate match I saw on YouTube in which BxB Hulk was turned
on by his partners and it turned into a wild six man
match. Seriously though, my list would include a lot of
stuff that happened on ROH's Dragon Gate Challenge and
Supercard of Honor along with Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler
Black at one of ROH's horribly named PPVs.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Shawn
Michaels vs. Ric Flair, if only for the amazing finish
that'll be played in dramatic WrestleMania highlight
reels for years to come. That and it introduced us to
the hilarious suggestion of leaving memories alone. The
only minus was Flair constantly crying like he'd just
finished watching that part in Armageddon where Bruce
Willis blows up the rock and dies. Three nights of
weeping aside, this match was THE definitive match of
2008. Best send-off in recent memory even though I hear
Flair's already thinking of making a comeback. Meh, who
wasn't expecting a comeback anyway, right?
ANTHONY DEAN: Well, like
presumably everyone will say, Shawn Michaels vs Ric
Flair at Wrestlemania. It really was emotionally
involving. Just the thought of never seeing another Ric
Flair match again! I mean I couldn't wait for that old
fuck to finally be put down.
What.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Simply for
the atmosphere, RIC FLAIR VS. SHAWN MICHAELS AT
WRESTLEMANIA 24. Sure, pretty much any guy with an
Internet connection knew what the outcome was going to
be beforehand, but if you didn't feel the emotion my
friend, you just have a heart of stone. Chances
are that's why you're at this fine website! But I
digress. As far as best wrestled match of the year
is concerned, this one doesn't come close. But a
good part of any wrestling match is that it tells a
story. And congrats to HBK and Flair for putting
on one of the best stories we've seen in a long-ass
time. Woo.
JAMES SWIFT: And to supply
this debate with a healthy does of esotericism: KENTA
and Kota Ibushi vs. Naomichi Marufuji and Katsuhido
Nakajima. Four of the absolute best talents in the world
completely tearing it up for thirty minutes straight.
And the five-minute overtime period? If all you've had
to eat is WWE and TNA all year, you deserve to taste a
REAL five-star meal.
SHANE STEELE: Michaels-Flair
was a great, emotional match. And props to Shawn for
taking that sick bump on the announce table.
THE SIXTH CHILD: My ass and
your… DAMMIT! That’s the second time!
You can’t
go past Michaels / Flair. It had everything – a
captivating storyline with two experienced veterans who
excel in both the physical and psychological aspects of
wrestling, colliding on the grandest stage of them all.
The match’s concluding “I’m sorry, I love you” was a
true Wrestlemania moment. The only downside was hearing
that fucking “Leave the Memories Alone” lyric over and
over again.
NEIL CATHAN: I kinda want to be
cheap and give it to three different matches for three
different reasons. The entirely fictional main event in
the spectacular movie "Gachi Boy: Wrestling With A
Memory". A emotional and funny movie that is full of
in-jokes by the makers who are obvious wrestling geeks,
Gachi is one of the best films I've seen, and the tag
match that concludes the movie has an excellent mix of
psychology and workrate, along with clear faces and
heels.
Since
that wasn't an actual match, I have to flick a coin
between the storytelling in Flair's final match, and the
insanely good ring work in KENTA/Ichimori vs Bryan
Danielson/Eddie Edwards, which I was lucky enough to see
live. Obviously, the ring work was no slouch in Flair vs
HBK, and there was solid psychology in the tag match
too. So if you're more a fan of psychology, I'd say the
last Flair match is the one for you. If you prefer fast
paced action, go for the tag match from European
Navigation. If you're a wrestling fan, or just someone
who watches good movies, check out Gachi Boy.
NICOLE COOPER: These awards
are making me realize that 2008 was nowhere near as bad
as I originally thought it was. This one came just as
easy to me as the last one did. The match of the year is
no doubt Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair at WrestleMania
24. It had everything that anybody could ask for in a
wrestling match. The actual wrestling was great, it was
set on the right stage, and the emotions, well, I guess
it had a few of those thrown in there as well.
[/internetsarcasm] I'm risking sounding like a total
jackass here, but anybody who says that they won't
remember the sight of Michaels saying "I'm sorry. I love
you" to Ric Flair, is either a liar or one of the
dumbest people alive today.
GERSHON LEVY: Based on the
fact I didn’t see most of these, I’d go with the
Flair/HBK match. It had a more
predictable ending than a squash match but the buildup
and the emotion during the match itself really made it
special.
ESBEN EVANS: Flair Vs HBK. It was emotional,
well told, and had the right finish. It was in other
words awesome. There were a few others that was great as
well, but there's just nothing like an old man beating
up an even older man…plus it spawned the photoshop that
was unjustly robbed of a fanny award, Old Yeller
2.
28)The BENNIFER/ TomKat Award for
Worst Match of the Year:
Nominees: Whatever made you feel
like using the Butterfly Effect to return to the womb
and entangle yourself in the umbilical thus
retroactively preventing you from having ever seen it in
the future.
SEAN CARLESS: HHH vs.
Vladimir Koslov at Survivor Series. This match did in
one night, what communism could not in 50
fucking years: completely break the spirit of
the Western world and cripple the world economy. Or just
the first part. Seriously. Had this match
taken place in 1985, we'd all be speaking Russian
right now and wearing furry hats. Freedom would
have taken a back-seat to just ending the pain. Who
needs a cold war. Beahugs for 15 minutes
straight are the real solution
to capitalism. I'm telling
you.
DEREK BURGAN: I have to
plead the fifth as there are no note-worthy worst match
of the year, but to be fair, I spend most of my year
FF'ing through hundreds of potential nominees. If I did
have a vote, I'm sure Rhaka Khan would have been
involved.
CATHERINE PEREZ: I can't
decide between two. First there was Cody Rhodes and
Hardcore Holly vs. Ted Dibiase, Jr. and, uh, Cody
Rhodes. Not only did this match have the most
predictable outcome fucking EVER, and not only did WWE
defy all logic by having Cody drop one half of the tag
titles to himself, but Hardcore Holly was in it. Christ,
what did we ever do to deserve that? Then there was Chris
Jericho and Batista running the worst Gauntlet of all
time^2. So poorly booked, we ALL shared Mike Adamle's
confusion, and that's usually impossible. The entire
time I watched that match, all I could hear in my head
was that guy from the Joe Schmo Show yelling out "Whaaat
is goooing onnnn?!" I just can't decide! Let's just wipe
these both matches from our collective memory.
ANTHONY DEAN: Batista vs
Chris Jericho's World Heavyweight Championship match at
Cyber Sunday. There was more fighting among all the guys
that did nonsensical run-ins and interfered than there
was between the two actual match participants. And to
cap off the parade of unwatchability with a particularly
unsettling blow, after JBL, Shawn Michaels, Randy Orton,
and Steve Austin all got their shots in, mostly on
eachother, Batista won the title.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Ah,
political humor. Truly, thanks to Comedy Central,
it has become a bottomless well of hilarity.
Except when the WWE gets their ugly mitts all over
it. HILARY CLINTON VS. BARACK OBAMA made my soul
cry. Clearly, because Donald Vs. Rosie was such a great idea, let's do it
again! And you know some backwoods retard out
there honestly believed Hilary and Barack were going to
throw down, live on Raw. And he probably loved the
match regardless, because if that didn't show how
pro-Republican Vinnie Mac is, I don't know what
will. Yes, Democrats make shitty wrestlers!
VOTE REPUBLICAN, OR UMAGA WILL KICK YOUR ASS TOO.
Sometimes I really feel sorry for Cameron
Burge.
JAMES SWIFT: Truth be told,
I really haven't been all that up-to-date on this year's
suckery, so I'll arbitrarily choose any of those
Miz/Morrison vs. Moore/Wang bouts from early January
ECW. Yeah, technically, they weren't all that bad, but
in hindsight, it wasn't worth getting a "D" in Biology
class and truncating torrid second-base sessions either.
Oh, the sacrifices an Internet writer makes for his
beloved fans.
SHANE STEELE: I was really
interested in who Ted's mystery partner would turn out
to be. And I'll admit I was shocked when it turned out
to be Cody Rhodes. Where it went after that bored the
snot out of me. So, looking back, it kind of sucks
now.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually I’d
be all for a Diva clusterfuck, but that one of the
3-hour edition of RAW was just woeful (see #1).
Special mention goes to Triple H
vs. Kozlov at Survivor Series. That didn’t even pass as
a RAW main event. I love Kozlov and all, but he’s
nowhere near singles main event status yet. Such a
waste.
NEIL CATHAN: So you have the
most significant event in wrestling this year: Ric
Flair's final match. This could main event literally
anything ever. Not only should this match have gone on
last, but if something was going to go on after it, it
should not have been a trashy divas match. A match that
made me angry for it's positioning on the card, was
utterly shit and had lighting difficulties.
Bullshit.
NICOLE COOPER: Any match
involving Snitsky pretty much reached all new levels of
suck. But that one goes without saying, so I'll give
this one to Candice's return match against Beth Phoenix
from whatever taped episode of Raw it was on. I always
thought that it would be pretty hard to carry Beth
Phoenix to an absolutely dreadful match. The girl has an
amazing amount of talent. Well, Candice took that though
and absolutely crushed it. She must have executed every
single move in that match incorrectly. I've heard of
ring rust before, but hell, that's ring incompetence. It
was painful to watch, and I was surprised Candice didn't
re-injure herself from sucking so
badly.
GERSHON LEVY: That whole Cody
Rhodes turning on Holly match was so stupid and
predictable although somehow Holly has not been on TV
much since then. I don’t expect that
to last, he always manages to randomly come back at some
point.
ESBEN EVANS: Besides TWF (funny) and the TWF
Forum (not so funny)? Batista Vs Umaga. As I've
mentioned earlier, I haven't seen a lot of newer
wrestling this year, but I firmly remember hating
Batista with every bone in my body after this 10 minute
abortion…fuck that…then again, I can't remember the last
time I saw him where I didn't get a similar
feeling…here's to hoping that he'll be out for a long
time with that
injury.
29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE
TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the
year, for whatever reason)
Nominees: The Miz, The Brian
Kendrick, Jeff Hardy, Eric Young, Randy Orton, CM
Punk, Code Rhodes, Manu
SEAN CARLESS: The Miz. Now I
only want to see him die in
agony occasionally.
DEREK BURGAN: The Miz went
from a HOWDY HO goof, or whatever he fucking chanted in
ECW that went nowhere, to a legit tag team of the year
award winner. He deserves props for that. He's Jonny
Fairplay with talent and has broken away from a group of
people that we'll be watching years from now on
Celebrity Rehab.
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Brian
Kendrick! Who would have thought that a change in
wardrobe and some swanky dance moves would help me like
the guy more? It's just a damn shame that Paul London
didn't find that awesome jacket first. It probably came
from a local Goodwill store, with Ezekiel Jackson
attached for no extra charge. On a sidenote, Pulp
Fiction's one of my favorite movies, so I think it's my
obligation to like Big Zeke. At least that must be how
WWE Creative thinks. Personally, I'm waiting on
Kendrick's feud with Edge, just so Vickie can start
hollering and Ezekiel can scream out "TELL THAT BITCH TO
BE COOL! SAY 'BITCH, BE COOL'~!" It should be pretty
awesome. Dated, but awesome.
ANTHONY DEAN: THE Brian
Kendrick. He's small, agile, charismatic, and his ring
work is solid. Considering it's the WWE, this guy
should've been wished well a long time ago, but he's
done an excellent job in running with his new gimmick
and, barring any unforseen hhhurdles, could easily go on
to be big. Figuratively, anyway. Solid second place goes
to The Miz, who has improved to the point that he no
longer brings down his partner John Morrison in every
match. Sometimes still, yeah, sure, but not always, and
really, what more can you ask? It's the fucking Miz.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: CHRIS
JERICHO. Jericho's evolution from basically coming
back and NOT CHANGING HIS CHARACTER WHATSOEVER FOR THE
PAST 7 YEARS to super serious righteous heel has been
one of the biggest surprises of the year for me.
Don't get me wrong, I always liked Jericho. But
come on, he was calling himself Y2J in 2008! If
that doesn't scream "dated character" I don't know what
does. So what does he do? Heel turn big
time, and find a way to stay completely in the
right. The key to an awesome heel is for them to
constantly believe that they are right. When has
Jericho, post turn, believe he was wrong? NEVER,
that's when, asshole. You add that onto his track
record of entertaining matches, and you have one awesome
guy. One that'll probably not be doing shit the
early part of the year, but awesome
nonetheless.
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to
pick Cryme Tyme, simply because they were introduced as
blatantly racist caricatures with little to no in-ring
ability in 2007 and now, in 2008, they're blatantly
racist caricatures with some modicum of in-
ring-ability. By 2018, they should be a better team than
the fucking British Bulldogs.that are still blatantly
racist caricatures.
SHANE STEELE: Is The Miz
nominated every year? But seriously, he did get a lot
better this year, both in the ring and on the mic. And
his bit where he mocked Festus going insane had me
rolling on the ground
laughing.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’ll give
credit where credit is due: Miz’s in-ring ability has
come along very nicely, and his partnership with John
Morrison is one of the only decent things on WWE TV.
Special mention goes to Eric Young.
When TNA doesn’t have him running around Memphis looking
for Elvis, you notice he’s actually a decent
wrestler.
NEIL CATHAN: If only some
company would give Kevin Nash the opportunity he
deserves. Here is a young man who has so muchh
potential, but I'm worried that politics are going to
hold him down. Anyway, I feel he has come along in
strides (figuratively speaking, of course. Striding to
the ring can cause him to blow his quad) from last year,
where he only worked a few tag matches on PPV. This year
he was pinning the company's best hope for the future,
and making supposedly the most dangerous and unstoppable
force in the company, and one of it's few homegrown
talents look like a jobber. Boy, did that ever seem
familiar for some reason.
NICOLE COOPER: The most
improved wrestler this year isn't the most improved
because he got better in the ring. Hell, he doesn't even
need to get better in the ring because he's already
great. No, instead, the most improved wrestler this year
improved by actually gaining a strange gimmick, making
it work, and showing everyone that he actually has an
insane amount of charisma and the ability to cut some
awesome promos. Oh, and he smoked a lot of weed too.
That's right, I'm talking about The Brian
Kendrick.
GERSHON LEVY: I have to give it to
Randy Orton this year. This was the first
year I actually took him seriously and thought he was a
credible wrestler. Wrestling for me has
been reduced to surfing the internet during Raw and
looking up when something interesting happens.
I admit I look up fairly often if Orton is on
TV.
ESBEN EVANS: Hehe, I almost gave it to Hardcore
Holly, but yeah…The Brian Kendrick. He went from random
flippity floppy guy #2 alongside that grinning buffoon
called Paul London, to ditch his sorry ass and actually
get a gimmick, a push and like a billion fines for
smoking weed…all in all a pretty good year…plus he got a
random black guy to help his ass out, and that worked
out pretty well for
Jericho.
30)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T
STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
Nominees: Great American Bash,
WrestleMania 24, No Mercy, One Night Stand, Royal
Rumble
SEAN CARLESS: Ginormous Jugs
2. I ordered it the other night, and was
thoroughly entertained. And unlike wrestling this year,
it actually featured half-naked people trying to lie on
top of each other that I actually cared
about.
Ah, I kid. I'll go with
Wrestlemania 24. It had something for everyone. A
grandfather being kicked to death. A midget child
being bludgeoned. Innoccent people on
fire. Little Naitch breaking Ben Johnson's 1988
sprinting World Record. HHH not winning. You know,
the stuff dreams were made of. Just not the one's I
usually have. Thank God. Because, boy would that have
been awkward for my guests. You try explaing why a horse
with a party hat is suddenly fucking a
woman.
DEREK BURGAN: Being live at
WrestleMania was a great moment. Knowing my arch-nemesis
Green Lantern
Fan was there, dressed in a tuxedo,
acting as an unofficial greeter, puts it over the
top.
CATHERINE PEREZ:
WrestleMania is the PPV of the Year. Know why? Because
it's WrestleMania. Seriously, what else is there to say?
Um... "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"?
Actually, I really did enjoy One Night Stand, as it was,
shockingly enough, the best post-'Original ECW' One
Night Stand. It could definitely use a name change,
though. Now that it's a three-brand uber-WWE production,
exactly what are we getting just one night of? This is
where I'd add in a hilarious answer, but, damn it, I
don't have one.
ANTHONY DEAN: One Night
Stand, where every match was fun to watch and Orton was
FINALLY taken out of the main event picture via a broken
collarbone after main eventing so many consecutive pay
per views you'd think he was actually over or
something.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I know that it's
become quite the norm to say WRESTLEMANIA is the PPV of
the year, but usually it just has no equal in terms of
quality. WM 24 had something for everyone.
Serious historical significance (Ric Flair's last
match...we hope), genuine surprises (come on, who
thought Randy Orton was winning?), high flying
spot-monkey showoffs (it's the yearly MitB tradition),
all-around fantastic matches (the main event in
particular - Batista/Umaga, not so much), guest
appearances, and TITS. Not every match was a
winner, I can give you that, and the outdoor venue
made for some interesting
conditions, but I really cannot see how anything comes
close to matching the big time feel of this PPV.
Even if our asses felt sore the next morning from
slapping down $70 to see it in
HD...
JAMES SWIFT: I'll break the
rules once more and select a non-televised card as my
selection for PPV-of-the-year. (Aren't the terms
PPV-of-the-year and Card-of- the-Year interchangeable?)
Regardless, ROH Supercard of Honor III gets my vote.
Aries\McGuinness tearing the house down followed by
twenty minutes of hot lucharesu-on-lucharesu action?
Yes, sir, I like that. I like that a lot.
SHANE STEELE: The Great
American Bash really sticks out for me, if not only
because it was the night Matt Hardy lost the US title
and my brother and I danced around the room in joy. In
case you haven't noticed, I really hate Matt
Hardy.
THE SIXTH CHILD:
WrestleMania 24. It was the only PPV I ordered that was
worth… (looks at cable bill).
Lemme start that again. It was the
only PPV I ordered.
…
What?
NEIL CATHAN: The only year
in the last decade which has seen a better PPV than
Wrestlemania was 2005, when on June 12th, ECW returned
to the Hammerstein Ballroom and put on the only real ECW
ONS PPV. One Night Stand in it's first edition was one
of the greatest PPVs in history. One Night Stand was a
cruel mockery as usual this year. So Mania will get my
vote this time around.
NICOLE COOPER: This one is
pretty obvious, WrestleMania 24. Every single match on
the show was above average, and even included a Randy
Orton victory in a match where no one thought he stood a
chance. Aside from the crappy ECW title match between
Kane and Chavo (which doesn't count because it's ECW)
the show was almost perfect. Of course the fact that the
Match of the Year was included in it only helps its
case.
GERSHON LEVY: I pick the Royal
Rumble but I’m a little biased because I actually saw it
live and in person. Regardless of my
negative opinion of John Cena, I was completely shocked
he was in the Rumble. That was one of the
rare times WWE actually got me on a swerve.
Of course then I was just plain pissed
off.
ESBEN EVANS: Wrestlemania…because it was the
only Pay-Per-View I saw…so there…other than that,
Superbrawl 96 was
decent…
31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE
YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees: Miz & Morrison, Miz
& Morrison,Miz & Morrison,Miz & Morrison,Miz
& Morrison, or other people not Miz &
Morrison.
SEAN CARLESS: Miz &
Morrison. But come on. Like there's really anyone else.
This category is like a beautiful
woman competing in a beauty contest filled
entirely with other girls who look like Corky
from Life Goes On. You could take a shit on the stage
and blumpkin the three judges, and you'd still get the
crown.
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going with
Jimmy Jacobs and Tyler Black in ROH's Age of the Fall,
but I'm not going to cry when Miz & Morrison win it.
It's been a great year for tag teams, especially on the
indy scene with the Briscoes, Steen & Generico and
numerous Dragon Gate
combinations.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Miz and
Morrison, as they'll gladly tell you every fucking week
on The Dirt Sheet. Two Slammies, a couple of Tag title
reigns, and the ability to rub a little personality off
on the former Edgeheads, Zack and... um... the other
one? YOU KNOW IT, WOO WOOO WOOOO. Yeah, Miz and Morrison
are pretty awesome, but it's not like this was a tough
decision considering the tag division is still really
weak. So weak, in fact, that these two guys are
appearing on all three shows almost every week. Now that deserves my vote! The Dirt
Sheet pretty much saved their
careers Miz's career, too. Clap it up~!
ANTHONY DEAN: John Morrison
and The Miz. Who knew giving guys time to talk would get
them over? Anyway, great team, almost a shame that
they'll have to break up someday so John Morrison can go
on to fulfill his destiny of being a six hundred time
world champion, but alas, it is inevitable. Until then,
though, this talented, hilarious, always fun to watch
team will be, well, hilarious and fun to
watch.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MIZ AND
MORRISON. Considering the team's '07 origins and
how they basically bullshitted out of that corner (hey,
we insult each other all the time but now that we're tag
champs we all of a sudden are best buds!), this team has
consistently improved, and at this point, is bar none
the best tag team in WWE. All time?
Debatable. In other feds too? I'm sure
there's a forum devoted to the discussion
somewhere. But anyone who thinks Jesse and Festus,
THE COLONS, or any other team of two random guys with
nothing better to do can compare to Miz and Morrison,
