TWF FANNY AWARDS!

1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
Nominees: Scott Hall; Roddy Piper; Jake Roberts; Mae Young; Kurt Angle; Lex Luger; Iron Sheik;

Sean Carless: Wow, this is a tough call. Normally, I'd choose "Made in the ICU" Lex Luger, but I doubt Miss Elizabeth's family is done playing with that Voodoo doll yet. On the other hand, both Jake Roberts and Scott Hall have defied the reaper for so long now, I'm convinced that neither, much like Keith Richards, are even capable of dying anymore. Because, let's be frank, poor Jake is riddled with more poisons than any snake he's ever owned and he's still kicking, err, short-arm clotheslining. That said, clearly, the best thing those folks at the WWE paid-for Rehab center that's housing Jake Roberts could do, is to bottle his blood and sprinkle it on the ill, injured, and diseased. If my calculations are correct, they should instantly heal as if they're drinking from the one true Cup of Christ itself. I'm convinced of it.

However, my *official* choice is a real dark horse. (Dark horsemen?) DEAN MALENKO. That's right, if case you haven't noticed, The Radicalz are cursed. Benoit? Dead. Eddie? Gone. Perry Saturn: Bald. And ya, riddled with more bullet wounds than fucking RoboCop. Clearly, there's some kind of strange Final Destination shit going on right now as it pertains to these guys. And somehow, as a result, I get the visual of poor Deano Machino all held-up in some cabin somewhere, surrounded by death-proof booby-traps all whilst wearing 6 snowsuits and a suit of armor. Can't say I blame him.

Derek Burgan: After watching various DVDs over the year, including On the Road with the Iron Shiek and Face Off 2 , I am slightly in shock that Sheiky-baby hasn’t given himself an aneurysm. Sheik could seemingly find out his coffee didn’t have sugar on it and go on a tirade that would make Michael Douglas in Falling Down seem downright sheepish. The train wreck of all train wrecks and I personally can not help but watch it in all it’s glory.

Justin Shapiro: Vince McMahon, right? Remember when he ... blew up ... seemingly to death ... and ... I guess we're not doing that one anymore. Doesn't it hit you hard when you nominate Fabulous Moolah year after year, and now here she's gone and died? Mortality, yeah? Harrowing. Not that I'm sympathetic to the Fabulous Moolah, who was evidently sort of a bad person.

James Walker: I’d just like to mention that I’ve not seen any of the rest of the staff’s picks, and I guarantee you that SOMEONE made a joke about Moolah. I don’t blame them, dead women are funny. That’s why my basement is such a good time!

Honestly though, I’m shocked that Jake Roberts made it through another year. For a while there, all you heard about was Jake starving his snake in England or some shit, and frankly, I thought that was hilarious. I mean, come on, it’s a fucking snake! You’re telling me that it can’t go kick some ass anaconda style? I mean, Jake’s probably in a Hunter S. Thompson-esque state for 18 hours a day, so Damien/Revelations/Princess Buttercup/whatever the hell the snake’s name is could easily sneak into the pantry to get some marshmallows while Jake’s trying to stop the wall from melting.

Now Jake has taken up Vince’s offer for free drug rehab for ex-employees? I pity that addiction counselor. That’s the equivalent of being a pool boy and being told to clean up the Gulf of Mexico. On top of it, how would they even admit the guy? I’m sure the medical staff would try to take his blood pressure, but Jake would simply pull them in for a short-arm clothesline. I tell you, this has disaster written all over it.

Catherine Perez: I was going to choose Lex Luger, but, quite frankly, I CAN fucking believe he lived another year. It's almost as if God is punishing Luger for that whole Elizabeth thing by not letting him kick the bucket. Immortality at the expense of pulling a Christopher Reeve FTW! SO. My pick for winner of the prestigious False Finish award is none other than Scott Hall, who's had just about the shittiest year in recent memory... next to the never-existing Chris Benoit, of course. Once loved by many as the Cuban-American Tony Montana rip-off Razor Ramon, Hall is now a fat, depressed, drunken shell of his former self. This is a guy who went from having a 5-star ladder match with Shawn Michaels in 1994 to indirectly causing his then-11-year-old son to suffer from a major depressive disorder with his threatening drunkenness in 2002, then getting fat like he got stung by a jellyfish, then no-showing tons and tons of wrestling shows this year. He's already cheated death by liver failure, heart attack, abdominal explosion, the biting and depressive words of wrestling smarks, and the fury of a woman scorned (hello, ex-Mrs. Hall~!). I don't know about you guys, but I don't think Hall's going to be winning this award next year... or ever again, if you catch my drift.

Joe Merrick: The only list that seems to get shorter every year. Well, that and ‘Top Things That Anvil’s Swagbag Doesn’t Hate’. I’ll go with Scott Hall, who apparently breaks down more and more as we speak, this year suffering from depression. Hey, maybe if he actually bothered to go out he would be on time for all the social functions his friends invite him to and would have a laugh. But hey, I’m no psychiatrist.

Michael Melchor: I’d give this to Mae Young again (who I can’t BELIEVE outlived Moolah!), but there’s a guy that can’t stray off the downward spiral long enough to recognize when he’s been given a chance, and that’s “Da Bad Guy”. Leave it to good ol’ Scott “Last Call” Hall to be given a great opportunity in TNA only to spit on its ass and prison-fuck it. No wonder Kevin Nash just stood idly by while Samoa Joe ran he and his buddy into the ground. What the hell could he say?

Cameron Burge: Chris Benoit! Oh.wait.yeah.You always have to open with the real tough ones don't you Sean? I mean, on the one hand Lex Luger has gone from the Narcissist to the Paraplegic (which for the record does not have as much of a ring to it) and Roddy Piper has survived fucking CANCER. Scott Hall has survived.well, being Scott Hall should be listed as a fatal illness itself. But I will give this to my personal favorite at the moment, Mae Young, for not only "entertaining" us all with the mental imagery of her riding Vince McMahon's Man-pole like some kind of old dusty inner tube (live with that image, I dare you), but she managed to do it all while outliving the Fabulous Moolah who seemed exceedingly less likely to die.

Gershon Levy: Well Moolah kicked the bucket this year so I would think Mae Young is close behind. Then again, she’s looked like she’s been on the Grim Reaper’s VIP list for at least a decade.

Anvil's Swagbag: None of the above. Using the latest in statistical analysis, I have been able to find the correct answer to this question.

It is very simple. If 'X', is patterns of death within a particular wrestling stable, and 'Y', is the period between deaths, considering the intangible continuous upward slope of violence in each case, we see that...

X + Y = Perry Saturn, Virginia Tech in 2008.

Bet you can't wait for 2009, when Dean Malenko moves to Jonestown, eh?

British Bullfrog: Do we actually have any conclusive proof that Scott Hall is still alive? Cos I haven't heard much of him recently and I think in his case it's probably safer to assume the worst.

Sixth Child: Mae Young. If you asked me who would be the first to go out of Moolah and Mae, I would have put money on Ms (not so) Young. I mean, look at the facts. Firstly, Mae's older… by four months. Secondly… ah, I got nothing.
But seriously, thank you Moolah for your contribution to wrestling. Extra props for dying at an age that was more than the last two dead mainstream wrestlers combined. (40 (Benoit) + 43 (Crush) = 83. Moolah was 84.)

Anthony Dean: Geez, at her age, I'm surprised The Fab-..erm, I mean Sensational...no wait, not her either. Damnit, okay, with his intense style, I'm absolutely shocked that Chris Benoit has managed to...oh, what the hell. Maybe Marc Mero's morbid magically ever-changing list of dead wrestlers has more merit than initially thought. RIP Cpl. Kirschner!
In all seriousness, but not a whole lot, I'd say Lex Luger. He had a stroke, went into a coma, and was paralyzed into a quadriplegic state, yet he's still kicking! Figuratively, anyway. At this rate, he'll be back in the ring in no time! And don't tell me you wouldn't pop for his return in the new Lex Express as that blue MedRide van backing onto the top of the stage as a gruff old driver slowly lowers the ramp and carefully wheels the gurney down to the ring. It's destined for success. So long as he isn't booked in any stretcher matches.

Neil Cathan: Roddy Piper. Turns out that when he returned, all swelled and we all assumed he was just fat now. Not true. It was cancer making him look that. Not that the guy just had too many cheeseburgers. No sirree. Seriously though, I hope the guy gets better. We had too many wrestlers die in 2007. Far too many

Charley Martin: Damn, tough call. The only one who is alive that particularly surprises me is Jake Roberts, so I'll go with him. I mean, Lex probably isn't going to die from what happened unless he decides to hang up the ol' life himself, Mae Young is never going to die, and Scott Hall, as bad as he messed himself up, is somehow still in better shape than Jake, so yeah, we have a winner. And I think we can all be glad The Snake cheated death again this year. Good on ya, old bean. Got any cryptic wisdom for us?

Jake “The Snake” Roberts: My kidney's haven't worked 1993.

O.O; Umm... Jake Roberts everybody!

Winner: Jake “The Snake” Roberts

Matt Folger: The WWE is getting really tired of Mae Young, as was obvious when they said Vince ba-doned her at MOOLAH'S FUNERAL!! Good God!! My advice to Mae Young would be to start practicing her rolling over now, so it'll be easier to do when she gets in her grave, after the inevitable "Those stains in Mae Young's burial gown were from ME!! VINCENT Ah-KENNEDY MACMAHON!!!

Canadian Bacon: The Undertaker! He's already died like 8 times by my count! What a liability this guy is! Marc Mero keeps adding him to his list only to have to cross him out again. CONFUSING.

2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Rikishi; Test; Chris Masters; Daniel Rodimer; Teddy Hart; Sabu; Rob Conway; Brooke; Cryme Tyme; Sylvain Grenier; Tatanka; CHRIS BENOIT (stricken from all records, baby).

Sean Carless: Chris Benoit has been released!...from our mortal coil. That said, I find perverse humor in all of the other nominees getting fired for varying reasons. But just to break up predictability, I'm going with Tatanka. If only because I picture Johnny Ace sending him his release rolled in a blanket laced with smallpox. Because, well, that was always a pretty efficient time-tested way of getting rid of unwanted Indians back in the day.

Derek Burgan: You have to admit that getting fired from TNA is something that not everyone can do, no matter how hard they try. With some of the worst writing and directing on television, I wasn’t sure anyone could ever get the axe down in Orlando. I hadn’t considered the man they call Test though. Here’s a guy who brings absolutely nothing to the table outside of his body and now he was in a business that was about to get scrutinized by Congress over the steroids issue. As Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh roh Shaggy!”

Justin Shapiro: Man, I'm all for an ironic, adroitly-executed Chris Benoit joke, but this one doesn't even make sense. I abstain from voting in protest.

James Walker: While Rikishi has the best story this year, he fucked TNA, not the other way around. However, TNA did pull off one good canning; that being Test. Actually, Test has the unique distinction of being fired by both the WWE and TNA in the same calendar year! Credibility, y’all.

But honestly… Test was trained in the Dungeon, and is good friends with Bret Hart. He has the superstar look, and better-than-average skills for a big man. He’s had feuds with The Undertaker and Shane McMahon. He was a part of one of the biggest angles ever on WWE TV. He debuted along side Sting ina TNA PPV main event. He’s also fucked both Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly. Surely, he’d have made something of it. What’s that? He was a complete and utter failure? I’ll be damned.

The point is that Test was not, is not, and will never be over. Who knows what the problem is, but it doesn’t matter: the guy has even realized this, and retired. Well, considering all those horse steroids in his system, I’d assume he wants to become a stud. Not a bad life if you can get it… if you like fucking horses, that is. And I do!

Catherine Perez: Teddy Hart, the quintessential fuck-up. Teddy's slowly giving Marty Jannetty a run for his money in the "most chances from WWE Management" category. Plus, his departure ruined what could have been one of the biggest debuts of 2007 with the New Hart Foundation, who were rumored to be debuting at Survivor Series in an assault on Shawn Michaels. I wouldn't be surprised if they had sent Teddy's ass packing with the following statement: "See you in 12 months." When do we get to rename this category the Teddy Hart Award for Overachievement at Up-Fuckery?

Joe Merrick: I don’t quite think you can actually fire a dead person (out of a cannon maybe. Oh what glorious Saturday afternoons!) So Benoit is out. Probably going to have to go with Tatanka. Loved the dude as a kid, sure, but he and WWE just had to accept that he had literally NOTHING to contribute to anything besides excess cholesterol. Plus the mental image of him stood outside Vince’s office with a single tear going down his cheek is just too conveniently awesome.

Michael Melchor: Teddy Hart takes this one. His second opportunity with WWE and he not gets fired again, but does so for the exact same reasons he got let go the first time. It’s been said before and it’ll be said again – there ain’t much you can tell someone with two black eyes; you done told their ass twice.

Cameron Burge: Ok, NOW I can say Chris Benoit. Nothing quite says "You're fired" like having your very existence wiped from history like that time Triple H lost to the Ultimate Warrior. Don't remember that? Exactly. Still, it's funny to read that according to the new box description on WWE.com, Triple H defended his title against Shawn Michaels at that Wrestlemania with no third party mentioned at all. This leads me to believe that the entire match has probably had Benoit spliced over with Triple H reaction shots in places, A la Futurama's All My Circuits. http://imageigloo.com/images/8656triple%20H.jpg

Gershon Levy: Going with Sabu since he phoned it in so much this year on ECW, that I think he’s the leading stockholder for Verizon.

Anvil's Swagbag: Gotta be Test, the only man fired because he LOOKED like he was on steroids and other drugs.

Agent 1:- Well, we fired Test.

Agent 2:- Yeah... why?

Agent 1:- Well, we got a feeling that he was abusing the old horse tranq's.

Agent 2:- Wow. What makes you think that.

Agent 1:- Simple. The guy looks like a fucking horse.

British Bullfrog: Whatever happened to Chris Benoit? I mean one minute he was a major superstar and the next he's completely disappeared. Maybe he'd just taken too much, or perhaps he felt smothered by the pressures of the job. He was a killer wrestler, though.

Sixth Child: I'm gonna have to say Chris Masters for the sole fact he was stupid enough to fail WWE's drugs policy, which is looser than Paris Hilton… 's moral values.

Anthony Dean: Rikishi. He comes into TNA, is somehow over like a mother fucker, is teamed with fucking Joe, cleanly pins one of their top guys in Christian, and looks to have a bright future in losing to Kurt Angle and then being delegated to Rhyno status, but what does the Wesley Snipes of Samoans do? Walk out on TNA the night he's supposed to lose to Christian in a rematch in some irrelevant tournament or another and bitch about not being paid enough. When you pay your dues like Pacman has, THEN you ask for a raise, Kish!

Neil Cathan: Test gets fired from each big company. In one year. Now that's just impressive. I hope he follows this act by staying totally out of wrestling for the whole of next year. At least. Post originally writing this, my wish comes true. Awesome, thanks Santa.

Charley Martin: Lets run it down. Anonymous Brooke isn't even important enough to register. Sabu wasn't a fuck up. Tatanka?!?! Blasphemy, I say!!! Cryme Tyme, despite despicable grammar and likable felony, shouldn't have been fyred. Rob Conway was a jobber. I still don't know who Rodimer was. I actually liked Test. Chris Masters needed juice to stay big. Meh. Benoit is starting to show signs of not being completely shunned. That leaves Super Ted and Rikishi. Hrm... I don't know exactly what Teddy Hart did to get fired but the (even more than ever!) bloated remnants of Rikishi demanded more money without doing anything to deserve it. And while I'm a proponent of doing as little as possible, I don't ask for more money for it. So...

Winner: Rikishi

Matt Folger: Wasn't it fun watching Chris Masters this past year? Remember the time he....no, wait, that was Charlie Haas. Or the time he....shit, not that either! Uh, in order to "FIIIIIIRRRRRE" someone, didn't they have to actually...I don't know...DO SHIT?!?

Canadian Bacon: The Masturpiece Chris Masters! If only he had the good sense to put something in the arena in the inescapable MASTERLOCK, he'd still be there! Because no one woulda been able to break it and out of frustration they'd have to keep him around!!!!!

3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees: HHH; JBL; Hardcore Holly; Kurt Angle; John Lauanaitis;

Sean Carless: Triple H. Not since the wonderful world of porn, has one mustachioed man stood so triumphant over two people laid-out at a time, back-arched, and arms raised high above their heads in jowl-shaking near-orgasmic bliss. Hell, there's even a lot of needless spitting involved in BOTH their performances. I don't remember where I was going with this.

Derek Burgan: I can’t give this award out to one person after watching the entire year of TNA. I think it has to be split into three so that Dutch Mantell, Vince Russo, and Jeff Jarrett can each claim a split of the prize. How these three have convinced TNA management that their ideas are good and that the company should continue on the track it is on just defies belief. They are the true salesmen of the 21st century.

Justin Shapiro: Henry Waxman, eh? (Deep.)

James Walker: You know, I thought we were beyond this. I thought the dark ages were over. After the impossibly long title reigns, and the complete burial of everyone in his path, HHH quieted down the last couple of years. Hunter started to lose once in a while, people started to get put over, and magically, the WWE had some new stars! It’s such a novel idea, I know.

However, this year, Hunter was up to the same old tricks… and he only was active for half the year! He’s buried King Booker, Umaga, Cade & Murdoch, London & Kendrick, and arguably Randy Orton. Granted, Booker was on his way out, but to me, it looked like Booker was willing to stay if the WWE played ball. Instead, they fed Hunter’s poor deprived ego, and allowed him to CONQUER THE WORLD. That water doesn’t spit itself, you know.

However, there’s ONE thing that pushes Hunter over all the rest. At No Mercy, Hunter people Orton cleanly for the title, defended it against Umaga, and while he did lose it to Orton… the fucker found the time to put his damn name on the title! I mean, if that doesn’t scream vanity, I don’t know what does. (Aside from a person screaming “VANITY!!”)

Catherine Perez: Sure, I could take the easy route and name Trips, but there's just no way I could live with myself if I didn't pick Kurt Angle. This is a guy who, in his first year with TNA, was using his stroke as ZOMG TNA'S BIGGEST STAR TO DATE to try to bring some of his friends to the company, like Brock Lesnar and Vito. Vito? Vito. He did, however, also use his backstage power to push for more clean finishes in TNA matches. Hey~! I like clean finishes! Any guy who uses his stroke for good is the Politician of the Year in my book. What? What do you mean TNA still has more run-ins than clean finishes?!

Joe Merrick: : HHH.
Creative: So, No Mercy. Let’s run it down once more. Orton is to be handed the title, and then-
HHH: Hey guys!
Creative: Oh hey Hun-…What’s that?
HHH: Oh, it’s the title.
Creative: Well what are you doing with it?
HHH: I just won it from Orton.
Creative: I…we….you’re scheduled to face Umaga. What were you thin-
HHH: MY BELT NUH.
Creative: …
HHH: Alright, I’ll give it back. But not till later.
Creative: Well, I guess, um, we’ll just run with it.

Michael Melchor: Kurt Angle. Not since Triple-H in 2000 did one man dominate a show like Angle did Impact this year. Although, if he were as good as this would indicate, Jeff Jarrett and Dutch “Hey, it drew 60,000 people in Puerto Rico, it HAS to work here” Mantell would have been kicked off of the creative team and Impact might be a watchable show.

Cameron Burge: I always heard John Lauanaitis' version of backstage maneuvering required knowledge of the Kama Sutra, but I digress. I would like to give this reward to Hardcore Holly for managing to not only continue to make the new boys look like chumps (Not that Cody Rhodes needed the help at that), but also weaseling his way in to a tag team title. I'd like to give him the award, but I won't. Because the true winner here is Triple H and his ravenous appetite for the tag team division. Kendrick and London are still feeling the sting in their asses after the butt raping they received from the game after they team up with him! There's gratitude for you. Next time you and a buddy team up on Xbox Live at Halo, immediately after the match, kick him in the balls, shove his head in your crotch and plant him in the floor. See how that turns out. Rumor has it, Trips plans to be in the main event of this Wrestlemania because as we all know, we don't feel like seeing anything different. Ever.

Gershon Levy: Hardcore Holly because no matter what he does or what diseases he is stricken with, he still comes back with a push. Isn’t whatever it was he was diagnosed with contagious? If it isn’t, can someone please infect him with something that is?

Anvil's Swagbag: Kurt Angle. I mean the guy goes on Radio and reveals that his WIFE was into a bit of 'backstage maneuvering', if you know what I mean. (If you don't, go join the Wrestlecrap forums). And to be fair, anybody who has fucked Karen Angle in the ass deserves some kind of reward.

British Bullfrog: Triple H? A Backstage politician? You'll be saying that John Cena has a limited list of moves next.

Sixth Child: Where the fuck does JBL get off swanning into the ring anytime he sees fit? It's not bad enough that he practically chews my ears off while I watch Smackdown, now I have to watch his Fox News-style interviews every second week and pay money to see him fuck up a perfectly good main event at Armageddon? Make up your mind, Jibble.

Anthony Dean: I'm not sure if this really counts, but Vickie Guerrero. Who did THAT bitch blow to get her spot? Oh, right...

Neil Cathan: Triple H, who murdered Booker T on his return to the point where he left the company into my PPV land (Thank you Booker!), gets his next reign to compete with Flair and digs a big ol' hole for all the tag teams and exciting midcarders. Also Randy Orton, but I don't care if he gets buried.

Charley Martin: Well, Kurt Angle actually likes putting young guys over from what I've heard, so he's out. Three H's sabatoge a Y2J... but JBL got himself a main event feud after spending a year+ as a commentator. Taz(z), whatever JBL did to do that, do the exact same thing... Immediately.

Winner: JBL

Matt Folger: You can't really blame TNA for Kurt Angle. It was the biggest thing to happen there since the first Ultimate X match! "YES!! MIKE, THEY'RE GONNA RESTART THE MATCH!! YES, AGAIN!!" And Holly couldn't manuever a sprakplug! No, there's only one man who can rightfully take this award. And I mean TAKE it. He called me up and convinced me that the other four guys couldn't work main event style! Here's to you, Trips! We'll no doubt see you next year after you win your engraved title back!

Canadian Bacon: Vince McMahon. I hate the way that guy walks around like he owns the place.

4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)
Nominees:,Big Daddy V (I don't know if already being fat counts?), Mark Henry (See V); Gangrel; Jim Neidhart; Brother Ray; Tazz; Kane, whoever found the weight Triple H lost;

Sean Carless: Jim Neidhart. The *real* reason Bret wasn't at RAW XV. They were originally going to appear as a duo, but Jim got hungry (and forgot his manners) on the car ride over. All I know is, I hope this guy has the *actual* Heart Foundation on speed-dial. That's all I'm saying. Poor Jim Neidhart. Maybe he's graduated from stealing neighbor's jewelry, to just cleaning out their fridges? I don't know.

Derek Burgan: I’m going to go outside the box on this one and nominate indy referee Sean Hanson. Once one of the scrawniest men in the business, Hanson has clearly been eating his $4 slices of pizza at the high school gym shows as I was able to catch a glimpse of him on RF Video’s Lost Treasures DVD . Bully for him for getting the advantage over that anorexia disease!

Justin Shapiro: I'm not sure that Big Daddy V actually gained any more weight, but he eschewed his garbage bag singlet and started showin' it off, leaving nothing to the imagination. The emergence of V's 2.5 boobs has to make him the standout regardless of the lbs differential.

James Walker: I gotta go with Jim Neidhart. I love Anvil as much as the next Canadian, but I’ll be damned, that guy must have been hiding a ham or two in his goatee. I mean, I know Jim’s always had the problem of living in Bret’s shadow, but he didn’t have to eat him. Though, that seems like the only way that Bret will ever appear on WWE TV – in Jim Neidhart’s stomach. Sigh.

But seriously, where did he find all this weight? Maybe the robbery rumours are true, and he’s actually the hamburglar? I don’t know.

Catherine Perez: Honestly, Big Daddy V and Mark Henry should be disqualified from this category for life. If anyone should be getting "Oink! Oink! Oink!" chanted at him, it's Jim Neidhart. Neidhart showed up to Raw's 15th Anniversary looking like he ate the New Hart Foundation with a side of Mongolian beef. Good God almighty.

Joe Merrick: Gangrel must be going for a ‘Vampire Ron Jeremy’ look given his new profession. And you do not want to know what he fills the old ‘bloodbath’ with these days.

Michael Melchor: This may seem an odd choice, but I think anyone who saw Summer Slam 2007 not only wishes they didn’t, but also saw the weight that Rey Mysterio gained during his time out and may think about giving him the nod for this one like I am. For the first half of the match, I kept wondering why the guy in silver wasn’t being arrested for eating Rey Mysterio.

Cameron Burge: Big Daddy V. I swear to God, I don't think he's as fat as he appears to be. I think that extra pair of flopping man tits belong to an unborn twin that has previously gone undiagnosed. Even more likely, they're actually the breasts of Shelton Benjamin's suddenly Mama who suddenly disappeared quite some time ago, probably sucked into the vacuum in between Viscera's flab during an excursion through the Raw locker room. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth right now, actually. Whatever the case, for God's sake could somebody please tell him to stop beating his chest like King Kong?! According to the Butter Effect, every time he does, 20,000 people die in China from massive earthquakes.

Gershon Levy: Well Big Titty V before his move to ECW at least wore something. But seeing what he is really made of made me lose my lunch (and breakfast and dinner and dessert and midnight snack) on way too many occasions.

Anvil's Swagbag: Shitty nominations again. It has to be Victoria, surely. I mean, she gained about 200 pounds of crap when she was put into a gimmick with Kenny Dykstra.

British Bullfrog: Kane seems to have gone from Killing Machine to Grilling Machine since his debut ten years ago. Maybe the reason he doesn't use his control over fire to thwart his rivals so much any more is he's using it all up flash frying cheese and bacon.

Sixth Child: Isn't it ironic that a member of the Hart Foundation is the most likely to keel over any minute from a heart attack? My God, Jim Neidhart. No wonder he got busted for burglary. You're supposed to climb through windows, not get stuck in the double garage door.

Anthony Dean: Big Daddy V. I know the dude was always 500 pounds, but I had no idea just how disgusting 500 pounds really was until Viscera was drafted to ECW sans shirt.

Neil Cathan: Big Titty V. I don't know if it's just more noticeable now, but by god, it's hideous. He's more disturbing than the thing I did to your mom last night. And man, that was just twisted. Your mom's weird.

Charley Martin: Gangrel looked to be back at fighting weight for the Lower Midcard Battle Royale at RAW XV. Anvil... not so much. Brother Ray has ballooned up into a giant sized chibi. Big Daddy V... took his shirt off. We have a winner!

Winner: Big Daddy V

Matt Folger: JOHNNY ACE: "No no no! I said I wanted VICTORIA to get bigger knockers, not VISCERA! Well, I'm not letting these go to waste. Display them prominently every week on TV! Oh, and tell Kelly Kelly she left her scrunchie collection in my night stand. They're right next to the Adavant, you can't miss 'em!"

Canadian Bacon: Brother Ray! There's a reason why there's a reason why no one's seen Dances with Dudley and Sign Guy in YEARS. He's got himself a bigtime voracious appetite and such, and now adays he gets brown brother Devon to GET THE TABLES likely so he can lay out a delectable feast on them! TRUTH! His goal in 2008 is to eat so much they have to rename themselves Team 4D!!!!! I promise!

5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees: The Great Khali; Kevin Nash; Batista; The Miz; Biscuits n Gravy; Randy Orton; Mark Henry; Big Daddy V; Chuck Palumbo; Kelly Kelly; Black Reign; Scott Steiner; Snitsky; "Bobby Lindsay"; Deuce & Domino; Candice Michelle;

Sean Carless: I'd push Kelly Kelly. Or at least something in her. Ya. My official choice though is Bobby Lashley. Captain Charismaless. It's true. And just the other day, I put that theory to the test. I picked Bobby on career mode on SD vs. RAW 2008, and when I tried to raise his charisma rankings, my XBox just started laughing at me and said "good fucking luck". Strange.

Derek Burgan: Has this award been renamed the Dustin Rhodes Memorial Award yet? If not, it should be. In TNA he now has TWO characters that aren’t getting over!

Justin Shapiro: Man, Snitsky spent this entire year hauntingly saying his name and squashing Highlanders, huh? I guess I'd vote for him over Horn Swoggle because at least Horn Swoggle is good at what he does (which is: horrible things).

James Walker: Of all these people on this list, everyone has done something I’ve appreciated at one point in time… aside from one. Deuce & Domino, to me, are the perfect example of why gimmicks don’t make the wrestler. It’s well and good to have a unique personality, but if you’re greener than The Incredible Hulk on a rocky boat, you’re not going to get far. They may have the gimmick down, but once they’re forced to actually wrestle, have you noticed how incredibly boring they are? Actually, you probably haven’t, because most people fall asleep or change the channel. The problem is simply that these two are about as charismatic as a dirty masturbation sock. And trust me, my mom tells me that those are not cool at all when she does my laundry.

Catherine Perez: While Black Reign and his fat chins need to get the fuck off my TV NOW, I'm giving this one to Snitsky. Here's a guy who's spent a good part of 2007 wrestling squash matches... and not much else. Is there any reason why we all shouldn't be bored of the guy? As far as his push goes, what exactly did he do to deserve it? So he's big and scary - big deal. Damian Demento was big and scary too, but that never meant he was worth a rat's ass. Hell, Great Khali at least as Punjabi Translator Guy for all of us to point and laugh at; Snitsky's just got big, disgusting, Country Crock teeth and a back full of inverted craters, and, come to think of it, that's scarier than any gimmick Snitsky will ever have.

Joe Merrick: I will have to defend Lashley slightly for just a moment, and say the dude isn’t terrible, he IS talented, and shouldn’t be denied a push because of his lack of charisma. ~~He should be denied it because he’s black~~ All he needs is a manager.

As for my vote, it goes to Big Daddy V, simply because the dude is still very, very obviously King fucking Mabel, hasn’t been all that consistent for, what, like 10 years now, and has been given the kind of cheap-ass rejuvenation that most Hollywood producers give to Japanese horror movies.

Michael Melchor: The Great Khali wins this for being the singlemost useless wrestler ever to win the World Heavyweight Championship. And no, Rey Mysterio doesn’t count. I said heavy weight.

Cameron Burge: Oh so many great choices. I could go the route my heart wants and rant about Randy Orton, but that's most because I have to see his generically hossy ass every Monday. On the other hand, Big Daddy V ravaged ECW for seemingly no reason after jobbing to everyone and his dog on Raw, but then, defeating the like, five guys on ECW over and over isn't really much of a push in actuality. No, I think I'll hand this one to Kelly Kelly. What. The. Fuck. It's bad enough that she pops up on Raw once every blue moon, but she looks like a little fucking girl. I wouldn't be surprised if Pedobear ran around the fucking ring whenever she comes out. http://imageigloo.com/images/4571kelly.JPG Worse yet, she someone got a spot in the latest Smackdown vs. Raw game despite having only wrestled one person ever in an actual match, while Victoria doesn't even make the game!

Gershon Levy: Going with the guy who when I saw he won a title made my stomach turn the same way as when I eat Indian food, Great Khali. Thankfully it was a short reign but for a guy whose finishing move i s the Indian Brain Masher (I crush your head!) it’s kind of sickening to see him with a belt.

Anvil's Swagbag: Snitsky. Definitely Snitsky. Because if yellow teeth and spots are cause for a push, about 80% of the British population should be shouting, 'It wasn't my fault!'.

British Bullfrog: How many times are the E going to ram Orton down our throats before they realize he Just. Isn't. Good. Enough.

Sixth Child: My God, how about 75 per cent of those currently holding a WWE belt? But I have to go with the Great Khali. As I said earlier this year, he has ONE THING going for him – he's TALL! Is that really all it takes to become the next WWE champion?

VINCE: Looks like we'll have to crown a new champion. See what Houston wants for Yao Ming.

COACH: Uhhh, he's a basketball player.

VINCE: He'll play what I tell him to play… (sinisterly) for I AM THE CHAIRMAN OF WWE!

Anthony Dean: Snitsky. After losing every match for three years straight, people aren't going to accept you as a credible guy because you stop brushing your teeth and no longer use your first name.

Neil Cathan: Kevin Nash. An elderly guy who could never work when he was young, and hasn't been over for 5 years, is main event material to one Vince Russo. Note to Russo: Nostalgia only draws if we ever cared about the guy.

Charley Martin: This comes down to a hot chick that lil Vince wants to make the top diva and a skeezy, bacne scarred, bald, eyebrowless, no longer muscular freak. Eh, I gotta go with the hot chick on this one. As unpleasant on the eyes as Snitsky is, Kelly Kelly's in ring ability is just as painful to look at. At least Snitsky won't likely kill anybody on his way up the ladder. He may bury a cruiserweight or Carlito or two, but K-2 is gonna break somebody's neck if she doesn't get a whole helluva lot more training. You might as well start allowing all those moves that made the cruiserweights more than just jobbers (and non-pizza/final resting place-involving piledrivers too) again if you're going to let KKBB wrestle. No way trained and experienced professionals flippy-dipping onto each other or even dropping dudes on their heads are more dangerous than a Kelly Kelly headscissors at this point. Hmm... I think I just gave away my vote for another award (or two) with that rant. And I'm not even Swedish.

Winner: Kelly Kelly

Matt Folger: I'm giving this award to The Worlds STRONGEST Man. That's right, I'm giving it to ARTIE!!

Canadian Bacon: No one. That's right, I'm sticking to my same story. I've said it every year and I'll say it again, you NEVER push a wrestler. NEVER. That's foolish. They have muscles and know how to do lethal maneuvers like the feared and respected BACKBODY DROP (invented by Sylvester Backbody in 1936 in Bolivia ) and I don't want none of that!!!11 (There is no known counter besides not running toward bent over people and then hurling yourself in the air). END OF DISCUSSION.

6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Nominees: STEVEN RICHARDS. Khali; Kevin Thorn; Tommy Dreamer; The Miz; Kelly Kelly; Layla; Hardcore Holly; Balls Mahoney; Shannon Moore; Kennedy..... Kennedy; Randy Orton; Nunzio; Funaki; Carlito; Val Venis; Carlito; Mike Knox; Charlie Haas;

Sean Carless: STEVEN RICHARDS. He showed us again. We saw. And as such, I have decided that as of RIGHT NOW, this Award will be renamed the Steven Richards Commemorative Award For Not Getting Fired, Thus Showing Us, We'll See. And not just because he emailed me last year demanding an actual physical plaque for his achievements. Although, that's actually the reason...

Dear Sean,
I was just curious to see if I won the 2006 Fanny Award that I
was nominated for and, if so, when do I receive my plaque. Take care
and best of luck in your future endeavors.

Stevie Richards
2006 Nominee
LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD.

My reply?

Of course you won! You don't remember posing with the plaque? Just look at how pleased you were to receive such a prestigious honor!:

All kidding aside, thanks for being a good sport about the whole thing. And thanks for not threatening to kill me with a flurry o' wrestling action like one The Ultimate Warrior and his Warrior Staff. He threatened to do me in about two years ago, and by my count (since I figured he started running from Scottsdale that day) I expect that he should arrive any second. I've taught myself the art of ducking clotheslines as a precaution though, and removed anything that could be misconstrued as ropes from my home (Like I need to give him any advantages...).

Anyway, best of luck on everything. It's my hope that you win the award every year for eternity, because that'll mean you'll always be around. And oh ya, maybe put in a word to WWE.com about getting some more pictures of you on your profile. We are sadly lacking in Stevie Richards photoshops here. Perhaps WWE could take some of the bandwidth they used for the some forty extreme close-ups of Teddy Long pointing and yelling, and maybe add 5 or 6 more shots of you? It'd be nice.

In closing, I'd wish you well in all future endeavors also, but that's probably not the best idea. Oh, and if you hear Johnny Ace rolling down the hall on his skateboard, maybe put on one of those nose and glasses disguises. Just to be safe ;)

Thanks for your email, Stevie.

We'll always be big fans here.

Sean Carless.

Derek Burgan: Steven Richards should really be up for a lifetime achievement award by this point. How many people on the current roster have actually been there longer than him? Triple H? The Undertaker? Anyone else? Simply amazing. Especially since after his runs in ECW and WCW, you’d think he’d be the last guy to earn tenure with any company.

Justin Shapiro: "One more year for Steven Richards and you have to name the award after him." - 2006! Hooray!!!
Stevie remains an inspiration, and thank god he was around this year, not just to move all the way up the depth chart to #3 ranking "ECW Original" under contract, but also so that he could engage in this seminal moment with Tommy Dreamer: "Oh come on, Stevie." "'Come on'? You're gonna 'come on' me?"

James Walker: Let’s go over what Funaki has against him:
- Hasn’t had a feud since his short-lived Cruiserweight title reign
- Hasn’t done anything original since “SMACKDAN NUMBAH ONE ANNOUNCA”
- GOD DAMN STEROIDS

Come on. After the Benoit stuff, the WWE was not seen positively in the media. Then the signature pharmacy stuff came out, and to the legitmate shock of everyone, FUNAKI was pegged on the list. Now, honestly, I can understand why other guys like Kennedy and DAVE weren’t canned. Somehow, they make the company money. But really, what loss would Funaki represent? The WWE had nothing to lose by canning him, yet, they didn’t.

The only plausible reason is that, like all other asian people ever, Funaki is a ninja. Seen when wanted to be seen, unseen at all other times. And when Johnny Ace came looking backstage for once-over wrestler strangled by a cartoony gimmick that had problems with drugs, Funaki quickly replaced himself with Nick Dinsmore. All Asians are retarded anyways, am I rite?

Catherine Perez: We all know Stevie deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in this category. I'm giving the Cling-On honors to Hardcore Holly. This guy's had just about every career-ending injury known to man. I can just see the guy stumbling around backstage, dramatically clutching his chest and yelling "Oooh, it's the big one! You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey!" Yet, he somehow bounces back and bores us to the very last tear every time. I don't get it. Please, Bob, I implore you... fuck off.

Joe Merrick: Randy Orton. The dude could get away with MURDER and be punished with a loss by DQ. I imagine this is how he was treated at school. When he bullied some poor kid, the teacher would order young mischievous Randall to lie on the floor for 3 seconds as his poor victim covered him. Randy would then go on to tear the shit out of the classroom.
Can I give special mention to Steven Richards, if only so he may send a desperate soul such as I a blessed email? That would be swell. And arousing.

Michael Melchor: Oh. Come on – Ken Kennedy gets this hands down. This guy openly denies using steroids while tearing his critics a new ass only to be busted ordering steroids online and he’s still employed? THAT, ladies and gents, takes the term “job security” to a whole new level.

Cameron Burge: I'd first like to mention that on this list should have been Marcus Corvon who, not only did he manage to stay employed for quite a while, even though he was having a "Family Emergency" and we all know how well that worked out the last time someone in ECW had one of those (right now police are investigating into how a small child seemed to have ended up getting shoulder blocked out of a second story window), but he managed to still make it into Smackdown vs. Raw 08. While it's amazing that all of these guys have managed to make it another year by clinging onto their contracts like life preservers while other wrestlers jumped ship to main event in TNA for two weeks (even though in the case of Khali I think he safely has a job until his giant hulking mass shrinks into a small pudgy midget in which case he'd probably just become Hornswoggle's long lost twin or some bullshit), I think this award belongs to Stevie Richards. Not only had most of us forgotten he existed, let alone that he was on ECW, but he got a mild push over one fifth of the ECW roster (Read: Kevin Thorn). Stevie sure showed us, we saw, but then just as quickly faded back into obscurity, paycheck in hand. Way to go Stevie.

Gershon Levy: Again giving it a tie between all of the ECW Originals even though at this point they are pretty much all jobbers. I guess money is better than dignity.

Anvil's Swagbag: I refuse to give this award to guys like Steven Richards or Val because, hell, it isn't against the odds if you are actually TALENTED, is it. So I'm gonna give it to Mike Knox, because I didn't even know he was still on the payroll.

British Bullfrog: Isn't it about time we changed this category's name to the Steven Richards Award?

Sixth Child: Mark Henry. The guy was signed on for a record ten-year contract in 1996 which Vince tried like crazy to get him to drop, and at the end of it all he hands him the pen again. Amazing.

Special mentions go to Ron Simmons, who officially has the easiest job in the world, and Big Daddy V, the man with a bigger bust than the DEA on a good week. Vis is hired and let go once every three years, and each time he comes back with a more ridiculous gimmick. He went from a purple rapping King to a token black Ministry groupie to a pyjama clad "love machine" to a 1950s circus strongman in serious need of a bra or twelve.

Anthony Dean: Mike Knox. Jesus Christ

Neil Cathan: Randy Orton. Guy makes about a hundred wellness violations, spends time in rehab, kills the legend of Holiday Inn, and not only keeps his job, but gets a title out of it.

Charley Martin: Mike Knox. There is nothing funny to say about him. It's just Mike Knox.

Winner: Funaki (SWERVE~! You're right Russo, this IS fun!)

Matt Folger: I promise you that each one of these guys has a video of someone fucking someone while someone watches and murders a farm animal (government mule, perhaps?). That or they overheard Vince say "I'm tellin' ya' Chris, she's a bitch! If I were you, I wouldn't stand for it! Go get 'em, Wolverine!"

Canadian Bacon: the Triple H! Man, who's that guy screwing? You'd think Vince would just fire this guy for all the times he's made tasteless jokes about him loving giant gay hilarious gay cartoon roosters and mistaking people like 400 pound, bald, bearded Bastion Booger's for women thus also calling him gay again! That's a tremendous amount of gayness. Good thing it's so amazingly funny and such because most jokes like that'd prolly get run into the ground pretty easy! Lucky for him!

7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
Nominees: Anyone you'd plow.

Sean Carless: It's a real toss up for me. A LOT OF TOSSING. And boy have I. Several times. While writing this. So, ya, my heart, and quite frankly where all the blood would be subsequently relocated, is saying either Mickie James or Maria here; the latter of which may be posing in Playboy soon! Man, I think I just threw up in my pants a little bit. Or maybe I just wanted to use that liner and felt this the apropos time. Whatever. All I know is, it'd take many a man to pull me out of EITHER of these women. And by proxy, the first to do so would be named the new King of England. That's how these things work. I don't make the rules.

Derek Burgan: I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I bought a lifetime subscription to PlayBoy after just hearing a rumor that Maria may be in it.

Justin Shapiro: Mickie James and Maria are both really objectively good-looking, but seriously now, what are we, FHM?

James Walker: Once again, I give this award to Maria. The reason she earned it this year is for one reason, and one reason alone. Remember when Santino MArella got beer-bathed? Well, you might recall, Maria was there too. Do you remember what she was wearing? A god damned blue cocktail dress barely hanging on to her chesticles. Now, just think about this.

Two-sided tit tape + high velocity liquid = ___________

Amazingly, there were no visible nip-slips… but the girl had the balls to go out there and give it a shot. If I recall, she was also in fucking stilettos.

Any gal willing to be soaked in beer while in clubbing clothes is hot, and don’t you try to deny it.

Catherine Perez: Chris Jericho. That dude's so pretty that I'm sure he was born Christine Irvine. HA! You thought I would uncomfortably vote for a woman, didn't you? Okay, okay. I'll give this one to Daffney. Remember Daffney? I love Daffney lots... not like that, though.

Joe Merrick: Anvil’s Girlfriend. Seriously though, can I be the first to request an actual physical demonstration displaying someone KICKING A GIRL OFF THEIR FACE? That would be slightly more arousing than the Stevie-mail.

Michael Melchor: I have to go with Beth Phoenix. What can I say? I likes the big bitches. Hell, I even liked Chyna before the numerous surgeries.

Cameron Burge: Is it too late to pick All of the Above? I guess if I had to pick, Melina would get piped right the fuck down (no this does not involve a lead pipe). I could say more about what I'd like to do to her, but then none of you would be able to finish reading this article after your souls had been so mortally offended that you're forced to fling yourselves from the nearest window. Thankfully, it would be even less awkward now that Johnny Nitrorison wouldn't be staring at us the whole time. Fucking pervert.

Gershon Levy: Why change? I still would give Mickie James a stiff pole to ride anytime. There wasn’t anyone new this year really, so going with the reliable.

Anvil's Swagbag: What I love about this is that all these fat, slovenly TWF staffers who have had sex twice in their entire lives, (in fairness, they were two DIFFERENT varieties of fruit), get to be PICKY about which fucking Diva's they would, or wouldn't, fuck. Hell, if The Amazing Kong asked me if I wanted a blowie, I'd tell her to chow on down. Fat women give tremendous blowjobs. Maria would get it though. Oh hell yes.

British Bullfrog: Gail Kim. No jokes here, just shooting from the heart.

Sixth Child: While I bitch about how WWE's women's division is completely devoid of wrestling talent, it's the total opposite in terms of looks. Seriously, you're expecting me to pick one? This is worse than the time I had to choose between a long memory and a long penis. I forget what I ended up going with.
I've narrowed the field down to Candice Michelle, Krystal, Layla, Lillian Garcia, Maria, Maryse, Melina, Mickie James, Torrie and Victoria. From here I'll pick a name out of a hat. Seriously, I'm easy. And I hope they are too, otherwise I have no chance.

Anthony Dean: Whoever won the Diva Search. As is tradition, you know she'll be an overpushed Playboy model by the end of next year, but damnit, a Playboy model is a Playboy model, and I need me some bragging rights. Cause that one time with the girl with Down's Syndrome in the back of the library didn't get me to second base with any girl I told about that.

Neil Cathan: Hell, I'm not picky. I'd give any of them a "you on my pole" match. Particularly Melina though.

Charley Martin: For TNA, it's Gail Kim. For WWE, Victoria. How to decide. Lets see, Gail had a streak of wins over Victoria when she was stripped of her uniqueness after winning the WWE Women's Champion as a face back in the day. Good enough for me.

GK is the most fuckable, and more importantly, quite possibly most talented too. I dunno about anyone else, but skill = sexy for me. Otherwise still basically a rookie as far as wrestling goes Michelle McCool would've been in the conversation. And while she is by no means bad or without promise, there's something to be said for experience and ability. Victoria and Gail have that in spades. That means they have a lot.

Winner: Gail Kim

James Swift: ddd

Matt Folger: What is Catherine gonna do for this one? Anyway, Mickie James is quite simply the only one I'd wanna fuck. And not because I think she's the hottest, but I think I could have a shot at her. Hell, she was fucking Kenny Dykstra for fuck's sake! FUCK!

Canadian Bacon: I'd have to kick them all off my face! Come on! That's what I use to breathe my air. ANARCHY!

8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you wouldn't.

Sean Carless: I know there's the obvious choices here, but quite frankly, I'm man enough to admit that there's nary a woman on this earth that I wouldn't ravage. I'm sick like that. And I have a plethora of Ex's that read like a before and after poster for the make-up effects from Dawn of the Dead to back it up. I mean, Amazing Kong? THEY HAVE TO CALL HER AMAZING FOR A REASON. Maybe I'll find out! And really, what's so bad about Vickie Guerrero? Sure, she has a little 'junk in the trunk', with some perhaps even spilling over thus necessitating it being moved to series of small woven wicker baskets; but anyone married to Eddie, a stickler for WORKRATE, HAS to have that translate to the bedroom. I mean, come on. I've always wanted to get out of bed post-coital-lust with a ROLL OF THE HIPS, before subsequently running away into the night never to be heard from again, and well, I know Vickie would appreciate it and take it as the proper homage it is. Hell, I could probably even steal some valuables from her home as well, and not have her bat an eye. Eddie would have wanted it that way.

Derek Burgan: Is saying Awesome Kong racist, or fatist?

Justin Shapiro: There was no more disgusting moment this year, other than many others, than back in September when Melina cowered in terror at the threat of the sheer power of BIG BAD STEPH'S BIG BAD SLAP.

James Walker: I wouldn’t hit any women in wrestling. I wouldn’t hit any woman! Violence against women is wrong.

…

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAA.

But seriously, I wouldn’t have sex with Nancy Benoit. Ok… I shouldn’t say “wouldn’t”… more like “can’t”. Fuck you, cremation.

Catherine Perez: Ashley. Candice. Layla. Brooke. Kelly Squared. Vickie. All the Diva Search girls. Get them all off my screen before it catches a disgusting disease that I can't wipe off with Windex.

Joe Merrick: Vickie Guerrero. Oh yeah, I’d throw on in her alright. A fucking hand grenade. Way too many risks attached that are totally not worth it (Besides the whole, her looking like a leather goat thing) For one she’d almost and not-subtly-at-all call you ‘Eddie’ during, not to mention she’ll most likely leave you with some ‘Latino Heat’ that all the cream in the world won’t banish from the balls, or so my local doctor says. He also says crack is good for you, which is kind of strange I guess, but not as strange as his office being a back alley. Huh.

Anyways. The biggest risk, of course, is 9 months down the line some random Mexican dude in a mask will be all up in your grill about being the real father of his kid, despite the fact that you’ve not in reality fucked his wife, coherent storylines be damned. Oh, lets not forget, even in death, some douche in tights with huge thighs will condemn you to Hell.

Michael Melchor: This just in: Melina still looks like a grade-A cumdumpster who’s on the CDC’s speed-dial list. That is all.

Cameron Burge: Even though Maria has of late traded her bubble head gear for outfits that more resemble Gutter Slut Barbie, I still have to fire off this award at Kelly Kelly. Maybe if she'd hit puberty and King would stop jacking off into her ring apparel under the table whenever she comes out, I would be able to tolerate her better. As is, though she's pretty lack luster in every department, and really just takes up valuable space and precious oxygen the rest of us could be breathing. Thanks a lot Kelly Squared. Somewhere, a small child in Africa doesn't have enough air because of your useless ass.

Gershon Levy: I would usually say Kelly Squared but going with Canvas Michelle who after she had facial surgery made me wish when she did her Go Daddy twirl, she would not turn all the way around. Or at least wear a bag over your head!

Anvil's Swagbag: Again, WE WRITE FOR A WRESTLING WEBSITE!! I mean, I'm okay, I got into a relationship with a desperate chick before I became a staffer, but most of the TWF staffers answering this question would do Steven Richards, as long as he faced forwards and didn't look back. Who wouldn't we fuck?!? Anybody who seriously answers this is a LIAR.

British Bullfrog: Jillian Hall. You could put a fucking wrestling ring in the gap between her breasts.

Sixth Child: Vickie Guerrero. See #16.

Anthony Dean: Dead tie between ODB and Amazing Kong.

Neil Cathan: Ok, I lied. "Any of them" was an exaggeration. Not Vickie or Kong. Vickie for the whole weirdness of doing a widow and the fact that Edge will have passed everything he got from Lita to her (Plus she's y'know really ugly.), or Kong, because I'd be too scared to actually get an erection.

Charley Martin: Awesome Kong or Vickie Guerrero? What about ODB? No, I'd just feel really skeezy and ill after going at it with ol' Liquid Courage. Damn, so it's one of the pelvis crushers. I'll go with Vickie G, because Kong hasn't done the deed with Edge and contracted whatever he picked up from Lita. Allegedly. Not that I'd want to boink A-Kong either, but I would do THAT deed before Vickie.

Winner: Vickie Guerrero

Matt Folger: The Glamazon. Oh, wait, did I say the Glamazon? I meant Maria. Sorry, but the whole E.T. head thing just doesn't work for me. But seriously, I'd TEAR through the Glamazon like she was a third world phone book!!

Canadian Bacon: I'd never hit a woman. I have far too much






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