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Welcome to the first
draft of the vaunted "FAN LAWS". Just what are
"Fan Laws", you ask? Well, they're a collection of wrestling clichés,
rules and observations one finds only in the wonderful world of pro wrestling!
TWF's FAN LAWS were of course patterned after Miller
Lite's "Man Laws"... only rather than debate 'manly issues', we instead ponder the
absurdities that can only be found in a sport where
dudes roll around in their underwear.
The following
are the first 300+ or so of these "LAWS". First up, my *original*
entries followed by the ones inducted by YOU the
readers of The Wrestling
Fan.com! So, keep in mind, the entries after my own are supplied
by the many Readers of TWF, and do not necessarily represent my views and
yada, yada, yada. So take them with a grain of salt. Or heavy alcohol as it were.
Anyway, the
following is an ongoing project, so check back often, as
new entries will be amended regularly! Or not. Whatever. And if by chance you
wanted to add your own LAWS to the list, you can do so by sending them
here. You'll of course be credited accordingly~! So, with
that said, let's get to the first draft of TWF's FAN
LAWS! *Unofficial* Official Rules for the
nerdish over-scrutiny of wrestling!
ORIGINAL LAWS AS DECREED BY YOURS ME'LY, SEAN
CARLESS:
-Wearing jeans in a street fight obviously
makes you that much more effective...
-Despite tag team wrestling being over 80
years old, your partner still doesn't realize that getting into the ring
while you're being double-teamed is going to cause you more harm than
good...
-When you're an evil authority figure in
wrestling who appoints yourself a special referee, it's always more
practical to try and count pinfalls rather than just say, ring the bell
for a submission the first chance you get.
-In a no DQ match, chairs are relatively
ineffective, but if they're used during a non-wrestling attack, THEY'RE
DEVASTATING and potentially career ending.
-It's always a good idea to pantomime to
the crowd or audibly yell out that you're going for your finisher. Your
opponent still won't see it coming.
-If you're in a Royal Rumble, go ahead and
just drop that guy you're press slamming in the middle of the ring. You
have plenty of time to eliminate him later...
-It might be a good idea to check under
that table during a contract signing....
-If you're big and muscley, and your
opponent is fat, your night can't end until you pick him up and slam
him.
-The women of wrestling are always
inexplicably attracted to the company owners. Just because.
-The blond chick is more than likely going to
win the Bikini contest.
-No worries, the winner of a Bra &
Panties match will take her clothes off anyway, despite so feverishly
avoiding just that for 5 minutes beforehand.
-Even if you get pinned in the Survivor
Series, no worries, you're still undefeated.
-Losing your title twice in triple threat
matches doesn't count as a loss on your record.
-When feuding with Undertaker or Kane,
1940's style gasoline canisters are always readily available under a
ring.
-Getting hit with a move in a three way
match may cause you to blackout on the arena floor for upwards of 5 -10
minutes at a time. You'll then wake up, and switch places with someone
else who'll now take a nap.
-The Spanish Announce Team have never even
thought of moving their commentators desk.
-Upon turning heel, you no longer possess
any of your previous wrestling ability and are now much easier to
defeat.
-If you're over seven feet tall, your
limbs are best comparable to kitchen appliances.
-If you have issues with Teddy Long on
Smackdown, best be ready to wrestle The Undertaker.
-Despite being dead, you obviously would
have wanted the show to go on. Despite the fact this can never be
verified.
-Diving off 15 foot ladders or going
through flaming tables is SAFE, but executing a piledriver is CAREER
THREATENING~! and thus is forbidden.
-Your first promo on TNA TV must include
at least one slam against Vince McMahon and his company.
-Being drop toe-held into the ropes is
more than enough damage to render you immobile enough for the impending 15
seconds before a swinging kick to the face.
-It might not be a good idea to duck when
HHH throws you into the ropes.
-It's also equally stupid to catch a steel
chair Rob Van Dam just threw to you.
-Your best bet for success in ECW is to
have never wrestled there.
-Sound guys in the back always have your
theme music pre-cued in the case you decide to make a completely
spontaneous and unexpected appearance/ run-in.
-You can blow up your boss's car, dump
shit on him, kick his ass, and marry his daughter after immobilizing her
with a date rape drug, and he still won't fire you. He'll just cost you
lots of matches.
-2/3rds of the nation's police budget goes
to flanking a wrestler and/or owner, then in turn incarcerating the
wrestler who dare stand up to them. This is clearly more important than
fighting non-wrestling crime.
-When women have issues with one another,
they'd really much prefer to settle them by trying to rip each other's
clothes off.
-Being ran over by a car, dropped from a
building, set on fire, and having your head crushed with a
cinderblock/sledgehammer or any large blunt object will only put you out
of action for *maybe* a week, but walking across the ring and tearing your
quads puts you on the shelf for a YEAR.
-Most women don't have last names. They
simply are referred to by their first names in all walks of
life.
-All professions, vocations and trades
secretly have the ability to wrestle. Garbage man? Natural
catch-as-catch-can ability. Plumber? Dropkicks are really your business.
It just comes naturally. And we're foolish to assume someone who trained
in an entirely unrelated profession wouldn't have ring skills.
Clearly.
-Everyone who works in the mortuary
business is impervious to pain and cannot be killed.
-Everything hurts more when you bounce off
the ropes first.
-It's not unusual to see a guy go from
revolutionist to runway model to travel agent inside one
year.
-Putting tape on your thumb makes a
normally brittle limb LETHAL.
-Silliness like strangling the breath from
your opponent with a sleeper or chinlock can't FINISH anyone, but doing a
karate chop to the stomach after dancing is unbeatable.
-No one learns how to fall. They just
naturally land in a manner that doesn't cause permanent
injury.
-Other countries outside the U.S. don't
have cities. Non-Americans are represented only by their nation's
name.
-Referees suffer from the same medical
calamity as Mr. Glass in Unbreakable.
-If you're over 6'5", and are practically
unstoppable, chances are you *really* have a nonsensical fear of caskets
or snakes.
-Publicly traded companies encourage their
C.E.O.'s to ram people's faces into their ass and have on-camera kinky sex
with female employees.
-If you really hate a guy, you give him an
airplane spin or bodyslam. Guns & knives never taught anyone a
lesson.
-Black people, Samoans and the mentally
handicapped cannot be harmed in the head area. So don't even bother
trying.
-It's always better to let a guy full on
punch you in the face two times before you even try blocking the blow,
then subsequently go back on offense.
-Savages may not understand English,
customs or etiquette due to their "primitive ways", but they always
instinctually possess the knowledge to lay on top of a guy for three
seconds after beating him down.
-Prisons in India are made of bamboo and
don't have roofs on them. Yet, no one escapes. Go figure.
-Inflicting grievous bodily harm or
destroying property is only deplorable if someone unpopular is doing
it.
-Sean Carless.
TWF READER AMENDMENTS AND ADDITIONS! -When wrestling in your hometown the
chances of being humiliated increase with every reference to that
fact.
-If you’re over 7 feet tall and/or weigh
over 400 pounds don't even bother entering a battle royale or the Royal
Rumble. Everybody will unite against you. Unless your name
includes the word "Giant" or "Yoko".
-If you're an evil foreigner, every crowd
will chant USA in an attempt to bother you. Even if you're wrestling
another non-American.
-Any tag team with an attractive diva
valet will break up.
-When wrestling Finlay, stay away from the
ring apron.
-If Shawn Michaels or one of the Hardy's
is wrestling, there will automatically be a ladder beneath the
ring.
-If Hogan starts shaking his fists, don't
hit him again, just walk away.
-All refs will allow heel teams to tag in
and out without seeing the tag as long as one of them claps his hands loud
enough for the ref to hear.(Think about it. You see this in every
tag match and never think about it, but it’s done all the
time.)
-Any referee that is knocked down during a
title match will disagree with the decision of the replacement
official.
-When wrestling in a cage match against an
opponent with a manager, tag partner, or valet at ringside, never stick
your head out of the cage door.
-Every wrestler that is non-white will be
involved in some sort of racially motivated feud at some point in their
career.
-If the IWC likes you, you're
fucked. Face it.
-Kyle. (TWF reader for
almost three years.)
-Everybody appears taller in the Wrestling
Arenas.
-It is not possible to break someone's
grip on your throat until you are almost out of air.
-Certain moves simply designated as
"finishers" are devastating, no matter how commonplace. Also, if said
moves aren't officially defined as such, they lose their
power.
-If history and statistics are
inconvenient for an angle, they never happened.
-Attempted murder is not a crime inside
arenas.
-Being brutally betrayed and pounded to
oblivion several times with sledgehammers is easily forgivable if your
friend has since become popular.
-Age has no bearing on toughness or
strength. (cough*VINCE*cough)
-Tables are only good for breaking on
people.
-One's strength will increase depending on
how important they are.
-Attacking someone going for a pinfall is
all that is needed to break it up, no matter if the person is still
covering his opponent.
-The the phrase "depths of hell" is often used to describe the floor. -It's still cool to rag on people a thousand times more talented than you if they work for another company. -Tag team matches cannot possibly end without two people on floor reaching slowly and desperately for each other and find their partner's outstretched had at exactly the same moment. After which, no matter how many times it has happened before both members of the unpopular team will both extremely unsuccessfully try to stop the newly tagged in partner. -Sev
-Don't try to kill Deadmen. They just keep coming
back... until they retire, that is.
-If you have wrestled in any league before WWE, your
name must be changed. Soap Opera sounding names are always
good...
-It doesn't matter what you think. Vince knows that
the fans don't matter, and will watch what he tells them to watch, because
HE'S VINCE MCMAHON DAMN IT~
-Celebrity Wrestling = ratings. Just look at
Celebrity Deathmatch... what do you mean that isn't around
anymore?!
-If you have facial hair, you should be immediately considered "Dirty" and given a Slob gimmick from an old cartoon show. -In wrestling, people can live in National Parks like
Death Valley.
-A gimmick that didn't work in 1997 will DEFINITELY
work in present day
-Cartoon's about asses are funny.
-Never keep your deepest, darkest secrets that you
don't want anybody to know, on DVD's.
-Exhibitionists never take their clothes off in Pro
Wrestling.
-If you get kicked in the stomach, you must wait ten
seconds, in case somebody decides to Scissor Kick you.
-People who crap in other people's Gym Bags should
not be fired, but instead, given pushes that more talented guys shouldn't
ever get.
-No matter what you've seen or been told, WWE is not
aware that there is a Cruiserweight Title, even if the same guy has tried
to convince everyone he's had it for a year.
-Vince McMahon is always right, no matter what
anybody says.
-Vince McMahon and the WWE own copyrights to your
name and your soul, so you can never be on TV without getting
sued.
-duel.
-If you lock up with a guy and he throws you to the mat so hard that you flip over, there's always that chance that the next time you'll be able to get the advantage. -In addition, if a heel wants a test of strength, go
for it. It won't be like the other twenty times he's kicked you in the
leg.
-If you're winning against Kane or Undertaker, never
knock them down face-up. They'll just get right up again.
-If your opponent's partner gets the hot tag, be sure
to rush him.
-If you're a babyface and under 230 pounds, don't
accept a match against another light babyface. About a minute in you'll
both be destroyed by someone who wants a World title shot.
-Hitting someone in the head with a championship belt
is MUCH more effective than any move in your arsenal.
-Referees are almost deaf and cannot hear the sound
of a metal chair hitting someone in the head if their back is
turned.
-Guest commentators never stay guest
commentators.
-SMC
-If you're a cruiserweight, and a wrestler at least twice your size interrupts your match, instead of leaving the ring, you must immediately jump straight into his arms. -If awarded a trophy, don't bother making a space for
it on your shelf, for it will never make it home in one
piece.
-Now matter how devastating a cruiserweight's
finisher is, it will not be enough to put away a heavyweight.
-If a gimmick doesn't work the first time, try, try
again. With somebody else. (Examples: Bodydonnas/Simon Dean,
Papa Shango/Boogeyman, Dean Douglas/Matt Striker, Gangrel/Kevin Thorn,
Rhythm 'n' Blues/Deuce and Domino, Razor Ramon/Fake Razor
Ramon/Carlito.)
-Only a face will lose a championship in a match that
allows championships to change on a
disqualification/count-out.
-All Native American wrestlers will be required to
wear a headdress, war paint, and do a war dance. Just
because.
-In tag team matches, all tags must be observed by
the referee to be legal, except in the case of heel teams.
-If your gimmick is your ethnicity, it must fall
somewhere between "STEREOTYPE" and "OFFENSIVE" to be considered
valid.
-No matter how many times you've seen your opponent
execute an enzurguri after an opponent blocks a kick by catching their
foot, you're positive they're not going to be able to do it to
you.
-Any heel befriending a face for no apparent reason
must be trusted implicitly.
-Despite the proliferation of low-blows in wrestling,
it must never occur to you to wear a cup.
-Any wrestler/tag team/stable/personality referring
to themselves as the "New" version of a previous wrestler/tag
team/stable/personality will automatically fail.
-No wedding will take place without at least one
interruption.
-Any child conceived via a wrestling storyline will
never be born.
-No matter how out of position the wrestler lands,
the bodyslam proceeding a top rope maneuver will have enough force to put
him in perfect position for said top rope maneuver. (a.k.a. The Randy
Savage Principle.)
-In an Inferno Match, the wrestler with the most
clothing is going to lose.
-E.P.
Brown
-Executing any top rope manuver is perfectly safe when you land on your opponent's hard muscles and bones, but absolutely lethal when you miss and land on a padded ring. -Using a tombstone piledriver on The Undertaker is
ALWAYS a good idea...
-Neil (route70 on the
forums)
-The best way to put over a black champion is to have him act like whiter-than-white royalty, while the best way to put over a white champion is to have him act like a black rapper. -Midgets, gay people and old ladies doing anything
remotely youthful is FUNNY!
-The best place for a frigid diva to air her
grievances is in the middle of a bikini contest.
-When you need to talk to someone 'in private', just
ignore the camera crew filming the whole thing.
-When your 18-34 male demographic gets sick of the
generic, scantily-clad cock-teases you throw at them, a fat male stripper
covered in baby oil is set to do the trick.
-Always wear your wrestling gear - even if you're
backstage and not scheduled to wrestle.
-If a female wrestler shows an ounce of self-respect
(ie, being there to WRESTLE rather than *insert this week's novel idea
from the writers*), she's most likely evil.
-Despite being called WORLD Wrestling Entertainment,
brandishing anything but stars and stripes is frowned upon. (Unless it's
in bikini form, see above).
-For divas, wearing a quarter-inch skirt and a
tank-top is fine. But is they're torn off to reveal... quarter
inch-panties and a bra just as revealing as said tank-top, they must run
away screaming while trying to cover themselves up.
-Dress-code during public conferences is important -
especially when that same public watches you every week while you fight
dressed as a voodoo witchdoctor / power ranger.
-Matches which state the loser leaves their brand
'forever' has a clause in the contract saying they'll be back when their
vacation time runs out / rehab is due to end.
-Whatever happens in a wrestler's personal life has
bearing on the storyline - even if it's colon surgery.
-Despite the fact the women's roster has 3 names on
it, it's still classified as a 'division'.
-Manny
T.
-"The Wellness program is really to make sure the fans get their money's worth at shows - look at the 2006 great American Bash" -"Diva matches have a dual purpose - food and
drinks"
-"foreign talent hold a mystic power to both suck and
blow at the same time" - Khali, Tiger Ali Singh, Kenzo Suzuki - take ya
pick...
-Tim
Poultney
-when you turn heel your theme music will now be
played very slowly.
-even though you have picked up big show over your
shoulders in exhibition matches before when you're involved in a title
feud with him, everyone will tell you how impossible it is to lift him
again.
-If your Canadian you probably trained under Stu Hart
at some point in your career
-If you're a Japanese wrestler, you will not
know a word of English and will only smile and nod to
communicate
-Jorge
U.
-Upon turning face, you no longer possess any flashes of your previous wrestling arrogance that made you great in the first place. The Rock and Stone Cold were the only exceptions. (although I started hating the Rock when he started to smile and to sing...) -The one with fake boobs is more than likely going to
win the Bikini contest.
-When you’re dead, fellow wrestlers immediately tell
the fans that, first and foremost, you cared about your family. Oh ! And
don’t be surprised if there’s a book chapter about you in the following
wrestling autobiographies.
-In tag team matches, don’t even try to tag your
partner if your opponent puts you in a headlock or something. Chances are
that the referee won’t see the tag. Long story short, I’ve been to a house
show in Montreal in 2001, 2 weeks before WM17, and believe-it-or-not, I
saw this happening 3 times ! Ouch...
-tool26
-If an opponent repeatedly threatens the well being of your wife/girlfriend, you will still find it sensible to bring her to every TV taping and house show. -When a wrestler delivers a chop, it hurts. When an
Asian, Aboriginal or otherwise ethnic wrestler delivers a chop, it ends
matches.
-It is perfectly sensible for a large Indian wrestler
managed by a short Iranian to feud with an undead mortician, vanish, then
appear some months later with a Samoan and a Cuban manager on a separate
brand.
-When doing color commentary, it is always a good
idea to plug the upcoming pay-per-view, talk about how big the wrestlers
are, or how much that last move hurt. Failing these strategies, I
recommend ignoring the match entirely.
-If you're over six foot four with no promo skills, your finisher will be a kick to the head. You will also receive your title push within the first two months of your debut. -Winning a #1 contender match is no longer the same as winning a title shot. Inversely, a wrestler can be off TV for months and absent from the entire evening's card, but will earn a title shot simply by shooting lightning into the ring and gesturing ominously. -Andrew Kannegiesser -Apparently, cruiserweight championships cannot
change hands when you are involved in a 'best of infinity' series against
Matt Hardy
-The word "great" means that you are a shitty worker
who killed someone via a botched powerbomb. It also means that your
nipples look good besides Todd Grisham.
-Hulk Hogan's "YOU!" trademark move is actually a
short version of "You.. better sell my moves and job to me or else I
will bury your career .. bruther!"
-Taking "vitamins" and saying your prayers regularly
will result in your skin having a healthy orange glow.
-A sledgehammer is more destructive if you hit the
opponent using the handle instead of the head.
-Leprechauns live under the ring. They do not hide
pots of gold. Rob Van Dam used pot and lost the gold.
-Apparently , if you don't have charisma or if you're
not involved in anything worthwhile , you are automatically the best pure
athlete in the business.
-Foreigners are evil by default.
-There are a thousand variations of the chinlock.
Most were created by Randy Orton.
-Richard
N.
-Apparently, despite working for years in the business, the commentators have NEVER seen ANYTHING like... anything. EVER. -The grabbing of one's tights always prevents them
from raising their shoulders before a count of 3 is made.
-No one knows why, but a double-suplex will always
hurt twice as much as a regular suplex.
-If your manager gets on the apron, you're going to
accidentally hit them, and lose your match!
-Being thrown to the ropes will cause you to run
infinitely while your opponent flips over you, ducks under you, until you
make contact with them.
-Amit
-When submitting match results to a website from a
WWE show that you attended in person, it's important to express your utter
disdain for everyone else in attendance (*cough*InsidePulse*cough*)
because they were actually trying to have a good time and were doing such
inappropriate things as cheering for Cena and HHH while booing people like
Shelton Benjamin (y'know, the bad guys). It's also important to
express complete hatred for the current product, but only after bragging
about how good your seats were, how much they cost, and when people might
be able to see you talking on your cell phone during the actual broadcast.
-Commentators must always express disbelief when a
wrestler's non-finisher signature move fails to win them the match,
especially when it's NEVER won them a match (Rolling Thunder anyone?)
-Wrestling has proved that if you fall from a high
place and manage to land on a table or another person, you'll be just fine
EVERY time.
-Ladders must be stored under the ring at all times,
despite the fact that they can't possibly be used to reach ANYTHING in or
around the ringside area.
-No matter how many times you see the Big Show on TV,
you can't, just absolutely CAN'T, realize just how large of a human being
he is until you see him in person...because a seven footer looks that much
more impressive than a guy a half a foot shorter when you're up in the
nosebleeds.
-When getting ready to put your opponent through the
announcers table, remember to remove the monitors first. You
wouldn't want to HURT the guy or anything.
-Usually, the guy with the Japanese name that's
wearing a mask isn't going to be Japanese...or any Asian nationality for
that matter.
-Despite differences in height, weight, body type, or
ethnicity, heel tag teams that wear identical masks or make-up will always
be able to fool the refs with their otherwise remarkable
similarities.
-When fighting the Big Show inside of a steel cage,
look for loose cage panels or weak spots in the mat, as you'll just be
saving yourself the beating you'd take before being launched through one
of them anyway.
-If you've been knocked into a dizzy state while
fighting Shawn Michaels and you hear him stomping the mat behind you, do
NOT turn around.
-Even if you've passed out and both your legs are
broken, you will be able to run back and forth across the ring if your
opponent throws you at the ropes.
-In most cases, even the most lethal variation of a
move that would have ended a match and killed
-The power of the audience's applause can bring a
wrestler back from the brink of unconsciousness.
-In the old days (and it might still happen in
Memphis), for referees, it wasn't unusual at all for about 10 bucks in
quarters to mysteriously appear next to a downed opponent even though the
guy was up and about and kickin' all sorts of ass before the ref was
distracted by the heel manager a few seconds ago.
-As a referee, it's your job to count to 3 first, and
then ask questions later...or never, it's really up to you. You're
the ref.
-Even though they dress in the same locker room, one
wrestler will ALWAYS be surprised when a recently turned partner or stable
mate tears off their t-shirt or jacket to reveal the t-shirt of the
OPPOSING team or stable!
-It's OK to ram your opponent's skull into steel
posts and to put a fellow wrestler through any and all
types of furniture and barricades at ringside, but if you hit him in the nuts from behind when he's not looking? You're just a bad, bad person in need of disqualification. -Rob Brown
(I noticed on the site that most of the fan laws that were already there seemed to apply more to the in-ring action, but I think that the stuff I mentioned in mine has become just as much of a cliché as the rest. ) -A sneak attack is entirely justified if the crowd
likes you... otherwise you're a cowardly dick.
-Samoans speak unintelligible gibberish and have
thumbs capable of extreme devastation.
-No matter how many times somebody escapes your full
nelson, it still has never been broken.
A sledgehammer is a very common tool often found under a wrestling ring. -Defending your title only once every 5 months makes
you "Smackdown's best kept secret".
-The "toughest man wearing a dress" is actually a
term of endearment.
-Despite there being a giant screen, the referee
cannot see it and therefore cannot tell that someone is cheating behind
his back.
-All referees suffer from a rare disease that makes
them fall asleep on the mat till its time to count a pinfall.
-No matter how many crimes you commit in front of
national cameras, you can only get arrested if you attack the company's
owner.
-The guy guest speaking at the announcer table will
be complacent and stay there, doing nothing to interfere in the
match.
-It is clearly impossible for every person in to get
into the ring at the same time during a reverse battle royal.
-No matter how many people you have defeated with
your finishing move, it is still not powerful enough to stop Hulk
Hogan.
-An epidemic of elevated liver enzymes is sweeping
the nation.
-Vampires do exist; they are just regulated to
wrestling on shitty shows.
-Putting great in the name of an obviously shitty
wrestler makes them just that much better.
-Talented Mexican wrestlers must travel to the ring
on lawn mowers.
-Being an "Exhibitionist" does not guarantee the
ability to undo a bra.
-No matter how big the hype is and how faithful his
tag partner is, GOD will still no show your ppv.
-Goose stepping in Germany may get you fired from
CNBC News, but it does get you the WWE championship.
-Kyle
Lindekugel
-Good women love to take off their clothes; evil women fear it, and will run in shame when exposed. It doesn't matter how scantily clad they are to begin with. -Do not punch Hogan in the head when he's hulking
up. Just don't do it.
-Daniel
F.
-Hulk Hogan can stagger a man by simply pointing and
yelling "Yooou"!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Merl
-Wrestling Fan Law #316: A finisher move is not powerful unless you or JR can say it’s name three times in succession (i.e. Stunner! Stunner! Oh My GOD! STUNNER!) -Brian
Brown
-Although wrestlers who drink beer are cool, most of the beer ends up on the floor or on fans and is never actually drank. -If you have a body created from steroids and 4
moves, You have a better chance of beating an actual
wrestler.
-Shaun
Johnson
-Laws against assault, sexual harassment, destruction of personal property, attempted murder, vandalism, and grand theft auto do not apply inside a wrestling arena. Trespassing laws however are still in full effect. -Drawing number 1 gives you a better chance of
winning the Royal Rumble than drawing number 30.
-When in a Hell in a Cell match, it's always a good
defensive strategy to climb to the top of the cell.
-When in a cage match, it's always much faster and
easier to climb over the cage than to exit through the door.
-Always argue with a referee about a two count.
Sometimes he'll change his mind and make it a three count.
-William
C.
-It should never cross your mind to bite the sock-clad hand in your mouth. -Be very careful to treat Kevin Nash with kid
gloves,as he breaks/ruptures very easily.
-If you win the Royal Rumble, HHH will still main
event Wrestlemania anyways.
-While getting pinned, beware the referee's
occasional bouts of blindness while your feet are on the
ropes.
-No matter how fatigued you are you will still
somehow crawl up steel cages with the speed of a glacier.
-If you are the guest on a talk show segment, prepare
to take the host's (or run-in)'s finishing maneuver and/or weapon
shot.
-Every object, no matter how smooth and flat the
surface, leaves long horizontal slices across the forehead.
-Bradley
Slater
-No matter how badly battered you are with weapons to the body, it is impossible to make you bleed, however a much less hard blow to the head is likely to bring forth a tidal wave of blood. -Crashing 15ft through a table to the ring below is
far more damaging than if the table wasn't there to break your fall.
-If you set up a table outside the ring for seemingly
no reason, it is safe to assume you will be the one going through
it.
-If a wrestling promoter still has 1000's of glow
sticks to sell, it is possible to have a stable that contains only member.
-John
-If you hear a song that a wrestler used as his or her theme song played on T.V. or in a movie preview, you must immediately send this info to a wrestling news site. -If you're a wrestler who believes that you're being
held down in WWE, don't worry you can go to TNA and be champion for a week
or maybe even a month before someone else who wrestled in WCW and hasn't
wrestled since comes along and takes the title from you...
-If your name is 'Goldberg' or 'Lesnar' you will
claim wrestling was only slightly responsible for your fame even though
you're not known anywhere else for anything else.
-If you're considered a monster you will find your
human side by teaming up with a underdog wrestler half your
size.
-If you're a cruiserweight heel and try power-moves
they won't work until you turn face.
-If you're a cruiserweight and you're in the royal
rumble, if you're a face you will be knocked out cold by a heavyweight not
in the rumble and he will take your spot; or if you're a heel, you will be
eliminated in a very very fast and comedic fashion.
-If you're in ECW and are under 500lbs.,can execute
more than 2 moves,have charisma,and get way over with the crowd, you can
never ever be champion.
-Captain
Marvelous
-If history really tends to repeat itself, Abyss will soon be bald, maskless and job like there's no tomorrow. Also Sting will rape a mannequin. -Holding two world titles at once solidifies your
status as main eventer. Just ask RVD and Chris Jericho....
-The best way to mock WWE's terrible acts - fat oily
naked guy for example - is to do exactly the same thing. Now that's
what I call satire!
-Sting is able to nullify all damage done to him by
pounding his chest and screaming like a maniac. Yet he only does
this once per match, even if he could win the match by using it
every time the opponent comes up with a high impact move. Just
because.
-When Batista, a bulky, strong, 300 lb guy punches,
kicks and manhandles you for a good ten minutes, it actually
inflicts very little damage. But when you rake him in the eyes or force
him to collide with steel steps, it handicaps the guy for rest of
the match.
-Coach mistreats guys like John Cena, DX and Jeff
Hardy. He's a prick. Teddy Long mistreats guys like MVP, Kennedy and
King Booker. He's considered a really nice guy. Go figure.
-When you're athletic, charismatic, experienced and
you gain the biggest pops in one of your promotions most important
PPV, prepare to pay some dues. You're not thinking you are better
than everyone else, are you?
-Having God as your tag partner might sound awesome,
but the guy has a bad habit to no show when needed. Just look what
happened to Jesus.
-Two guys randomly thrown together can easily beat
any legit tag team for their championship titles.
-Bob Holly is made of diamond and excellent. 17 years
as pro can't be for nothing, can it?
-Jarno of
Finland
- If your name begins with the initials "CM", any push you have gotten will be thrown out and you will have to job to Sparky under the risk of receiving a Double A spinebuster. -Bill
B.
-In a Bra-and-Panties Match, it's clearly illogical to wear multiple layers of clothing. -Normally, a leg drop isn't very painful, but when
done by THE IMMORTAL HULK HOGAN, they are devastating, and more than
enough to keep you down for a 3-count!
-Inanimate steel cages are carnivorous, and will try
to eat you.
-It is actually possible to be chokeslammed TO HELL,
despite your religious background. Go figure.
-Never accept Vince's offer to join an "exclusive"
club, no matter how cool it may sound. Just don't do it.
- Just having an Olympic gold metal is a guarantee
that you'll have the magical ability to beat any Mixed Martial Arts
fighter within a 10 miles radius.
-No matter how close you are to your manager, they
will, inevitably, betray you one day. So be on the look out. Or kill them
first. Either or.
-Doing multiple flips before punching someone is a
sure-fire way to inflict a TON of damage... unless they trip you or
something...
-If you challenge someone and they ignore you,
clearly that makes them a bunch of cowardly pussies, and makes you the
WINNER! *coughVoodooKinMafiacough*.
-Lucinda.
-No one will ever notice a camera crew during a backstage vignette, no matter how much panning, zooming and moving around the wrestlers they do. -Every referee, including wrestlers who are "Special
Guest Referees", will be knocked out cold for 10-15 minutes at a time by
even the slightest blow to the head/body.
-Every Canadian wrestler MUST know how to execute a
Sharpshooter. It's the law.
-When missing your signature move (because it's not
the end of the match), you must miss the move by a HUGE margin, or
oversell the miss (Sweet Chin Music, Hulk Hogan's Legdrop, Frogsplash,
etc).
-Despite having about fifty cameras in the arena, and
a HUGE fuckin' screen over the entrance ramp, the referee never asks for
instant replay when a face (who was just fine five seconds ago) is
suddenly knocked out.
-Despite blatant choke holds (with and without the
ropes) is grounds for disqualification, the referee will count to five,
try to pry the offending wrestler off their opponent, count to five again,
try to pry the offending wrestler off their opponent again...rinse,
repeat. The ref will never, ever call for the
disqualification.
-Tony
S.
Royal Rumble laws -If you belong to a tag team your partner will enter one or two spots after you -If you're feuding with someone they will enter one or two spots after you -even if you've been in the rumble for more than 30 minutes the most popular guy in the rumble will eliminate you seconds after he comes in -a move which would normally put you on your back will cause you to jump up and eliminate yourself (i.e. rock bottom,stunner,RVD kick to the face) -if you want to perform a move that involves running to the ropes go ahead everyone will clear the way for you (i.e. people's elbow,the worm) Monday night Raw
laws
-Always trust the guy with the nickname "the dirtiest player in the game" he won't betray you like he did all those other guys -If you're a wrestler in your 20's with about 240 lbs. of pure muscle you still wont be able to beat the 53 year old with the bum knees you'll be facing that night -J.R. will call you by the wrong name during a match no matter how long you've been with the company -you can set J.R. on fire,break his arm,and humiliate him in front of his family all you want, he won't remember in 3 months anyway -the title shot for the tag team titles will always go to the team that is made up of 2 bitter rivals or 2 wrestlers who have a match against each other at the upcoming PPV -If you're a sex addict, you will wind up wrestling on Raw -Raw superstars will always arrive at the arena late -If Vince McMahon bans a wrestler from the arena or gives him the night off, it's a guarantee that you will see him that night Smackdown! laws
-when talking to Teddy Long never ever say anything that can be used to describe a match Long: Hey playah M.V.P.: hold on Teddy my cell phone is ringing Long:Cell phone huh?I'll tell you what, tonight its you one on one In a hell in a CELL against THE UNDERTAKER!!!!!!!!! - never ever say you have beaten everyone on the roster unless you really really wanna fight undertaker -If you see Scotty 2 Hotty in the ring, it means a new wrestler is making his debut -if you're part of Tough Enough, you better lose the contest in order to be employed for more than 3 months (same for the diva search) Diva laws
-the best way to break into the business is to be a bi-sexual stalker -all the blonde divas are interchangeable in terms of storyline characters -a 5'4" 140 lbs. woman is considered fat -in every bikini contest a diva will refuse to disrobe even though she did so willingly a couple of weeks ago -a diva will always fall in love with the wrestler who's been sexually harassing her for the last few months. -Captain
Marvelous.
-Random, incoherent acts and/or utterances of complete insanity are guaranteed ways to make you seem like a credible and dangerous foe. Just ask the Warrior, Lex Luger or Delirious, for example. If you lose a Loser Leaves - match, put on a mask and attack your opponent on the next show. No one will ever notice. If you're already wearing a mask, take it off. -The quickest way to win a World Title is to bang the
bosses' daughter. Failing that, put on additional 50 pounds of muscle
mass.
-If Tony Schiavone is calling the matches, the night
will always be the greatest night in Wrestling ever, regardless of it's
actual content.
-If the show's GM/Owner/Whatever informs the crowd
that a wrestler is not in the arena tonight for any reason, that said
wrestler always magically shows up at the end of the show, despite the
distance between the arena and his supposed location.
-If you're an indy wrestler, never try to speak or do
anything logical or sensible. You'll still be worshipped by the smark
crowd anyways.
-When Shawn Michaels is coming back from a beating,
he always flips up from the floor instead of getting up normally, even if
his back is broken.
-If Kurt Angle starts to hump your leg, it's the most
painful thing in the universe, regardless of your legs condition.
-When a smart, cocky heel wins a World Title, there's
a 50% chance he'll turn into a retarded face next night, and vice-versa.
-Mikko from
Finland.
-Any C-list celebrity can easily become a roster's most hated member. - If you have a handicap-related gimmick, prepare to
be pushed to the main event within a month and then forgotten about. (see:
Dinsmore, Nick; Gowan, Zach)
-A limousine pulling into the parking lot will
automatically finish the match currently going on in the ring.
If you're Mick Foley, I'd suggest not going on top of
the cage. It'll always end badly for you...
-John
L.
-"You've never heard of this "Monty Brown". Ever."
-Jarno of
Finland
-Before dropping an elbow, patting it makes it harder
or sharper and makes it hurt more.
-Every heel manager needs a cane.
-The following are typical weapons commonly used in
fights: megaphones, nightsticks, branding irons, cattle prods, tennis
rackets, perfume sprayers, guitars, metal briefcases, salt, bullwhips,
spurs, swords, hedge clippers, shillelaghs, and royal scepters.
-Timekeepers are not allowed to sit on padded
chairs.
-In lumberjack matches, when a face is thrown out of
the ring he is to be pummeled by every heel lumberjack. Conversely,
when a heel is thrown out of the ring, the face lumberjacks must all stand
around him with their hands in the air to show the ref they’re not
interfering.
-In ladder matches, you must swat at the title belt
before reaching for it, making it swing, and thereby harder to
grab.
-Fat men are evil.
-Getting fat while having a book out detailing your
personal fitness regimen is not at all hypocritical.
-If you are intelligent, you are evil (e.g. the
Genius, Chris Harvard, Matt Stryker). If you are so dumb that you are
borderline mentally retarded, you are an American hero (e.g. Hacksaw Jim
Duggan).
-Arguing with your foe over who has a better body is
a legitimate reason to feud with someone. Having a “posedown” is the only
way to settle such a blood feud.
-In a courtroom skit, having a shirtless, oiled-up,
muscle head as your bailiff is not at all homoerotic.
-Referring to male genitalia as grapefruits or
strudel is not at all homoerotic.
-Naming one of your employees Brutus Beefcake is not
at all homoerotic.
-Every immigrant detests America and is only here to
sing their national anthem and compete in flag matches.
-The guy who’s balding always loses a hair vs. hair
match.
-The wrestling lifestyle does not require or enable
drug use. Most professions’ employees have a life expectancy of 50 years
of age.
-Chad
-According to JR, if a heel uses a weapon, it's dirty and uncalled for. But, if a face uses a weapon, it's justified. -Former teachers can always find a job in WWE (i.e.
Maven, Dean Douglas, Matt Striker, Michelle McCool)
-If TNA wants to promote a movie, they mimic it. If
WWE wants to promote a movie, they beat the shit out of the
cast.
-If you are/go bald, you will get a championship
(unless your Val Venis, then you'll just main event Heat)
-Justin
Oberholtzer
-No matter how Old, Immobile, Orange, or Bald he may
become, Hulk Hogan must be seen in the ring once a year. At the same time,
he must receive a massive pop immediately before launching into the Three
Moves of Doom and going over whoever his opponent is, no matter how much
younger, more talented, or potentially good for the business they may
be.
-Triple H cannot be defeated by mortal men. He can
only lose if he:
a) Gets disqualified intentionally b) Is momentarily distracted by how great he is, allowing his inferior opposition to get lucky. c) Gets screwed over by "The Man." d) Is facing someone who is or was at one point his "best friend" e) Leaves Shawn in the ring by himself for like, five minutes. Awwwww, Shawn??. -The likelihood that a Big Guy will lose
increases exponentially with every inch of height he has over his
opposition. Examples include Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio, Kane vs. X-Pac,
and Anyone vs. Spike Dudley.
-If they were at the peak of physical fitness 20
years ago, we can expect returning legends to be treated as though they
never aged and are still at the peak of conditioning.
-If Hulk Hogan is on bad terms with the company, his
name and image will be denigrated until such time as we need to increase a
buy rate.
-Hypocrite
-Batista can walk a mile through a pit of danger and emerge unharmed, but Kevin Nash can't walk through an arena without blowing out his quad. -It never occurs to the people who hate Vince McMahon
to not buy tickets to the product that he sells.
-The really loud cheers are probably dubbed
in.
-The only thing EXTREME about ECW is how EXTREMELY
shitty most of the matches are.
-Hardcore Holly would make a great porn
name.
-You can still call yourself the World's Strongest
Man if a bunch of people beat you in the Olympics.
-When a face uses the Three Amigos, it's a tribute to
Eddie. When a heel uses it, it's disrespectful even if the heel using them
is Eddie's nephew.
-Motorhead doesn't know how to sing HHH's entrance
music when asked to live. They forget it after they record it, because
they know they'll need to record a new track for HHH within about a
year.
-The Canadian will DEFINITELY make a better United
States Champion than the American. Just make him live in Atlanta
instead.
-Nobody will ever know what Sabu is pointing
at.
-By Robert
Browne.
-If you ever find yourself in a cage or ladder match, and your opponent is unconscious, and will remain so for the next 7 minutes, it is probably a good idea to perform an aerial attack that has little chance of making contact. Why bother just reaching up or swinging your leg over the side and winning the match, when you can do a flipping belly flop onto a table? -Also, if you are the boss of a company, and an
employee hits you in the face with a chair/hammer/briefcase, you cannot
fire him until you book him in a series of increasingly complicated
matches over a period of months. Remember this episode of Smackdown!?:
"Triple H, if you do not win 3 of the next 5 gimmick matches tonight
(Casket, inferno, chokeslam challenge, boiler room brawl, and one that I
have somehow forgotten) then YOU'RE FIRED!!" remember that? What if I said
that it was the episode that birthed the phrase "I am that DAMN GOOD"? No?
repressed memories are fun!
-In a world where the goal is to knock your opponent
out for 3 seconds,there is still such a thing as "referee stoppage" and
concussions are sold as career-ending. If an opponent is "unable to
continue thematch," why doesn't the other guy just huck him down and cover
him?
-Also, REAL injuries are hidden, and FAKE injuries
are reported on after every commercial break.
-ANYone from a better show can beat EVERYone from a
lower-graded show. i.e.: Kurt Angle switching from RAW to Smackdown! and
winning the title his first night, Edge most recently doing the same, Big
Show going to ECW and becoming the champ, followed by Bobby Lashley. If
anyone
doubts the hierarchy of the shows, look no further. -Thorn
-If you are a heel and get booed, you're an evil
asshole. If you are a face who has held the company championship for 20 of
the last 24 months and get booed out of the building, you are
controversial.
-Another Guy from
Finland
-Spanish announcers' tables must always be made out
of balsa wood.
-Revised: "If you're over 6'5", and are practically unstoppable, chances are you *really* have a nonsensical fear of caskets or snakes." However, once you have competed in a match involving the fear, your phobia will disappear and will never be mentioned ever again. -If you're non-white, prepare yourself for your 'this company is racist' angle. -TNA will find a way to make a match type out of one of your traits. -Having a pinky finger on your opponent's tights when you roll them up will make it a hundred times harder for them to kick out. -No matter how hard you beat someone up, the only two things that can win a normal match for you are your finisher and, of course, the deadly roll up. -If you put a heavyweight title for some reason on a cruiserweight, quickly drop the 'Heavyweight' before someone notices. If it's too late, who cares? You're Vince McMahon, dammit! -Undercard storylines in TNA must be pushed via a
six-man tag with no less than two run-ins.
-Referees' calls cannot be swayed, so don't even try
it, no matter how close to three it was.
-Based on how long a match has been going on, the
fraction that the commentatiors will use to describe a near fall will
become closer and closer to three, usually starting at "a half" and ending
normally around "fifteen sixteenths".
-The perfect way to shut up the IWC for a while is to
lose the title to one of their favorites.
-People who paid to see wrestling don't mind half an
hour of uninterrupted talking. Trust me.
-J.R.'s voice must go up by 50 decibels any time Stone Cold walks through the curtain. -Announcers must refer to any botch as "a modified (whatever it was supposed to be)". -If you are a jobber, be sure to pose for the crowd during your short introduction even though they have already lost interest. -SMC
*****CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 RIGHT HERE.
(Duplicate submissions to already established rules will not be added. TWF also reserves the right to exclude or alter entries on a case by case basis.). |
