(0riginally posted in
February 2004)
This fall, CBS Viacom will
team with World Wrestling Entertainment to bring
you Classic TV revisited, only this
time featuring WWE personalities in starring
roles, in our desperate attempt to administer some
FULL NIELSEN'S! (HIYO!). I mean, it's either
this or more Survivor! And seriously, who wants to
see the same shirtless imbeciles all
in-fighting and doing the same exact shtick week
in and week out with no change in sight?
Well, unless it's RAW you're talking about,
then, umm, ya, it's awesome! In any
event, this is something we at CBS are
calling "Must-Miss TV"! Fuck you,
Frasier! Let's get to the
line-up!:
"Paul In The
Family"
Starring: Carol O'Connor, Sally Struthers,
Triple H;
Plot: Paul
Levesque marries into the Bunker Family, and
Archie tries to figure out what kind of "game" he
is up to by marrying his slightly overweight
daughter.
"The
biggest struggle we had of course, is that Carol
O'Connor has been dead for several years; but,
thankfully, HHH informed us of his vast experience
of working with buried people".
-Director.
Episode
one:
There is newlywed tension
when "Paul" reveals to his new wife that he
cannot lie down for her, because, he has a
medical condition that prohibits him from lying on
his back for more than two seconds at a time. He
then goes next door and tells the Jefferson's that
"their kind" could never be champion. He then
pedigrees George, leaves for 30 minutes, come
back, pins him, thus proving his
point.
A Flair for the Golden
Girls.
Starring: Ric
Flair, Bea Arthur, Betty White & Rue
Mclanahan;
Plot: Ric Flair, adjusting to
retired life, moves down to Florida's elderly
community. Hilarity ensues, as he stops the
fledgling hearts of the community's elderly
with big chops.
"Ric
is just great here. His interactions with the
'Golden Girls' are just amazing. He's just so
overzealous! Just the other day, he completely
improvised the scene by thumbing Bea Arthur in the
eye and kicking her low in her fragile pelvis! She
then died! Flair then lightened the
mood by cutting an insane jig, than dropping a
phantom elbow on the sound stage! Great
stuff! -Producer.
Episode
one:
A game of shuffle-board goes awry, when Ric lives
up to his moniker of "Dirtiest Player in the Game"
by knocking out Sophia with a hidden
international object, then accidentally crushing
Rose after insisting on being tossed off the
top of a cabana by Blanche
Devereux.
Who's The
Hoss?
Starring: A-Train,
Judith Light & Alyssa Milano;
Plot: An unnaturally hairy
single-father crosses the tracks (HIYO) to make a
new life with his daughter in quaint
Connecticut.
"Albert is the new generation
of leading man. Gone are the usual stigmas of
being good looking, or in some cases, even having
any talent whatsoever"-
Director.
Episode
one: Neighbors wonder why, even
though he is terrible at his job, Angela keeps
Albert employed, even though there are clearly
many people more qualified for his spot.
Maybe it's because just he's so big.
Who'd buy someone small and athletic... umm, cooking and
cleaning, anyway? That's just
absurd.
Saved By The Bell's
Palsy
Starring: Jim
Ross, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
& Mario Lopez;
Plot: Good
Ol' JR transfers into Bayside as "Executive vice
president of High School operations" (Principal).
Tempers rise when he butts heads (a size 8 hat
size, by gawd) with school troublemaker, Zach
Morris, who earns the Principal's disdain
immediately by scalding his dog, beating his
mule donated by way of the government, then
getting a case of the limber-tail. A three episode
arc is expected just to explain what in the
fuck that even means. By gawd.
"Jim
seems to have taken an almost creepy liking
to Mario Lopez, constantly referring to him as a
"muscular quarter-horse".- Director.
Episode
one: Mr. Belding (J.R.) convinces
Zack that in order for him to compete with the
"Hoss-like" A.C. Slater for the affections
of school by gawd Jezebel, Kelly
Kapowski, he must first build up his
upper-body...then, and only then, can Zack
truly "be in the hunt".
Heenan Family Ties
Starring: Bobby
Heenan, Michael J. Fox & Meredith
Baxter Birney;
Plot: Bobby
Heenan is the Brains behind his
suburban family;
Episode
one: Bobby shocks his quiet
neighborhood when he and his family conduct a
5 on 1 attack on that humanoid, Skippy,
leaving the young man with broken ribs after
several Avalanche splashes from Tina
Yothers.
Hogan's
Heroes!
Starring: Hulk
Hogan, Brutus Beefcake, Jimmy Hart, Jim
Duggan & Brian Knobbs;
Plot: Remake
of the original with Hulk Hogan &
Friends coping with life in a
German P.O.W. camp. Hulk & the gang
ultimately escape in the very first episode, thus
immediately ending the series, because the
guards made the unenviable mistake of trying to
punch Hulk in the head more than two times, and
well, Hulk decided he didn't want to put the
Germans over. They couldn't sell out a Flea
Market. Or take Europe. But mostly the
first.
"For
years people have speculated what would happen if
the Nazi's had to tangle with the unbridled power
of Hulkamania. In fact, had the ATOMIC LEGDROP
existed in the 30's, I doubt there'd have even
been a war.... Or a World. It's that
devastating".
- Director under threat of
being
body-slammed.
Episode
one: Col. Hogan takes
the rap for his buddy after there is
a panic in the camp after a mysterious white
powder is discovered in a near-by foot
locker. Luckily it just turns out to be
cocaine. He then body slams every obese
German in plain sight, because, damn it, that's
what you do to fat-assed
foreigners.
Here Comes The Growing
Pains!
Starring: Brock
Lesnar, Alan Thicke, & Kirk Cameron;
Plot:
The mild-mannered Seaver
family takes in a 300 pound street orphan; Yet are
not weirded out by the fact he seems to never wear
pants.
Episode
one: After a tumultuous recovery,
Carol (Tracey Gold) seeks revenge after Brock
unapologetically powerbombs her, breaking her neck
and driving her to bulimia. This is still somehow
more credible and believable than the plight
of Bob Holly.
Coming Soon: Everybody Loves
Kanyon!
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com,
The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS.
Send
Feedback to Sean
Carless
