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As we all know by now, ECW is coming back. Vince McMahon himself made the announcement *official* via WWE.com. However, with the return of the cult-Icon that was ECW, comes a big "but, by the way". In this case, the "by the way" in question is that ECW will be broadcast on the Sci-Fi channel, which is a subsidiary of the USA Network. Apparently the other choice was "Bravo", but thoughts of a possible "Queer Eye for the Extreme Guy" spin-off was likely too much for even Vince to fathom.

Upon hearing the announcement that ECW, the brand that revolutionized how we view wrestling, would be airing on a channel known for airing Science Fiction and fantasy programming, both sides of the affected spectrum were up in arms. The wrestling fans cried out that pro wrestling has no connection to the world of fantasy (unless it's a sixty year old Vince making out with a Diva), while Sci-Fi geeks were heard shouting out (in varying self-taught Klingon dialects no doubt) that pro wrestling "has no business" interfering with their network's direction. But I ask you this: Are we so different? If you prick us, don't we both bleed? (although the colors may differ based on the home planet). I mean, let's face it, to the general public at large, we're basically perceived as the same animal. That being morbidly obese losers, with strange collections who watch and scrutinize their program of choice to an unfair and nerdish degree. Hell, we even pine for the same unreal vision of women, with the only difference being that our women of choice are made of silicone while yours are metal or cartoons. I mean, why can't we all get along? The differences are negligible. I mean, you have your little green men, and we have our big "green" hosses. Vulcans are always pinching people on the traps on your show, while Samoans are always doing the very same thing on ours. Can't we all get along? Surely there's room for us too in the Intergalactic senate?

In any event, soon, the wrestling fans came down to earth (no pun intended) and realized that we were just happy that ECW was coming back at all. I mean, we all put up with Rollerjam and the Television PHENOMENON that was Rock N' Bowl on TNN, right? Having ECW,  THE ECW we remembered and loved back was all worth it. Even if Sci-fans panned our product while secretly fashioning a transport device capable of time-travel to go back to 1965 and murder Paul Heyman's mother, thus preventing this travesty from ever occurring.

Then it happened. Vince McMahon, during a press conference, uttered a line that sent shock waves through the wrestling community:

"There are three masters to serve. Thereís the small, vocal ECW audience.
Then thereís the SCI FI audience that is accustomed to things more SCI FI."

And with that one sentence, our worst fears all came flooding back. "Appealing to the Sci-Fi audience that is accustomed to things being more Sci-Fi?!" Soon, images flooded our heads, of ECW characters recreated for THEIR benefit. I mean, what's first, ring action called by Jor-El Gertner? 911 brought back as the Borg "Nine of One, One"? Or how about Tazz stuffed into a toy space suit (which he'd probably have no problems physically fitting into) and being rechristened "Tazz Lightyear?"

Ok, Ok, I'll admit, this was mostly me saying these things. And this has all really been a cheap attempt to cleverly segue into a satire of Sci-Fi  inspired ECW gimmicks that I was planning on doing anyway. Sue me.

So with that said, we here at TWF, upon hearing this news, began to dig, and through our sources (Bryan Alvarez's uncle's cousin's former roommate) came up with what Vince and Bonny Hammer (who better own at least one pair of balloon pants with that surname) have in store for Paul Heyman (T'Pol Heyman?) and his crew in the very near future! Let's get to it!

VAN TERMINATOR!
He's half man, half spot machine. He has no pity. He has no remorse. And he absolutely cannot, will not stop until you are dead. Well, unless itís 20 minutes after 4, because for whatever reason he tends to kinda disappear around then. He's VAN TERMINATOR. Cybernetic killing machine from the future with a chemically-induced laid back disposition.

Van Terminator will likely debut over the next month, suddenly emerging from the ring amidst a cloud of lightning and smoke of questionable substance. He will then approach Faith No More Guy at ringside, demanding "Dude, give me your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle. And if you have any cheetoes, Iíll take those too."

From there we'll learn of his mission to hunt down the mother of the yet-to-be-born leader of the resistance, Sara Taker, who he'll pursue with contrived unrealistic offense, demanding Sara lay on the ground and casually wait for him to roll on top of her. The whole thing falls apart after that. (It's said that Triple H has insisted the angle end with Rob legitimately crushed in a machine press upon conclusion.).

SPOCK DUDLEY
Runt of the Dudley litter, Spike Dudley is expected to be brought and re-debuted as "Spock Dudley", trading in his Acid Drop for a nerve pinch. (Hey, it's still more credible than Umaga's fucking thumb).
Soon thereafter, he'll discard his reckless style, and implore people like Mike Awesome to not put him through a table 3 minutes into a match because it's "highly illogical". However, "WWE" and "logic" are mortal enemies, so Spock will soon find himself written out of the show, perishing after locking himself inside the radioactive Titan Tron.
In a last ditch effort to preserve his spirit, a dying Spock will attempt a "mind-meld" with a member of WWE creative; however, the attempt will fail after no source is found.

NEW JACK GEORDI?
While on a Star Trek kick, ECW will rehire New Jack, and upon finding out that he's half blind anyway, they will fit him with a visor and pair him with a android counterpart, for whom he'll teach basic human nuances like humor, love, and how to use everyday household appliances to savagely murder people. You know, the basics. In any event, New Geordi's stint in ECW will ultimately be a short one, after he stabs Vic Grimes to death inside the Holodeck.

DAWN (MARIE) OF THE DEAD!
In an attempt to corner the exclusive untapped "zombie market", ECW will inject valet Dawn Marie with an incurable virus that transforms her into the living dead. However, this strangely will have no effect on the libido of ECW fans as they chant for her to show her tits anyway. Chants somewhat subside though after Hat Guy is devoured on camera at ringside.

Sadly, eventually, Dawn Marie will be released after instinctually biting through Lance Storm's skull while he struck his famous Impact Players pose. However, Dawn would dispute WWE management's decision, filing a lawsuit for wrongful termination since she was undead at the time and promised this wouldn't effect her job.

ECW SLIDERS!
After a night of drinking barbicide and eating urinal cakes, Tommy Dreamer is suddenly stricken with an idea for a device capable of opening worm holes in time and space, and allowing him to in essence jump from world to world (one of which that hopefully allows him to actually win a match).
 
He excitedly informs his friends Joey Styles, Too Cold Scorpio and Francine of his breakthrough, and attempts give a demonstration when suddenly the quartet is sucked through a vortex and thrust into a parallel earth! They immediately feel lost because when they turn on their TVs, they watch a WWE show that has "continuity" and makes complete sense! Obviously horrified at this unknown occurrence, the foursome continue to jump from dimension to dimension, hoping that along the way they'll at least find a parallel Paul Heyman who'll actually pay them! (3 million worlds down and still no dice!)

THE X(treme) FILES!
Former partners and "Da Baldies" members Tony DeVito and Vito Lagrasso will once again be reunited in ECW, this time as Extra-Terrestrial seeking FBI agents Balder and Skully Von Krush (who'll naturally be portrayed by Vito in drag as per decree by the "talented" WWE creative team!). The duo (under the orders of WWE agent Steve Keirn playing Walter "Skinner" Skinner) will attempt to solve the unexplainable (a Justin Credible World Title reign?) while Balder desperately seeks "the truth" involving his beloved 1999 push that disappeared completely with no trace. To add to the intrigue, Sandman will be cast as the omnipresent "smoking man"; well, until he shows up drunken to a Syndicate meeting and takes off his pants.

DOCTOR 'BU
Sabu will soon re-debut, this time playing a homicidal, suicidal, genocidal time-lord who travels the far reaches of time and space in his TARDIS (not Eugene) and possesses the power to regenerate his injuries; which tends to come in handy those times when crazy glue is not readily available.

Upon first examination the TARDIS, (the very device that allows Doctor 'Bu to blow spots in hundreds of different worlds) has the appearance of a standard telephone booth, which ironically enough will come in handy those times Doctor 'Bu completely no-shows a contracted appearance. It'll also often be used by 'Bu to spring-board off of, before ultimately breaking in half after a moonsault gone awry, leaving him stranded in the very fabric of time. (anything beats "Bombay Michigan", though, right?)

But, hey wait, there's more!....

That's right, chances are, in between burying Nunzio as a "Full Blooded Ferengi" and releasing all the Klingons (likely spelled "cling-ons" by Vince) you just know Vinnie Mac won't be able to resist the urge to bring in non-ECW talent and muck up the brand. But hey, other than suiting up Saturn in a giant ball and having him play the actual planet, what's left to do with the ECW stars that will please that *All-important* Sci-Fi audience, whom Vince desperately hopes will choose to masturbate to Trish Stratus instead of Jeri Ryan? Why, improvise of course!

Matt Hardy is THE HIGHLANDER!
There can be only one! (well,unless you're talking about the STD's he may have caught from Lita, because with that, the skyís the limit.). It's Matt Hardy, IMMORTAL! And hey, Matt's been yelling that he cannot die for over a year now, so it just makes perfect sense. Soon, the former Sensei of Mattitude will reemerge as a broadsword wielding clansman (although, since he is from the south, I'm not gonna speculate what kind of "clan" that might be) revealing that the only way he can "die" is to have his head severed from his shoulders. Vince however hopes to prove otherwise, vowing to kill him over hundreds of centuries with continuous jobs. Whatever comes first, I guess.

Mark Henry is THE PREDATOR!

And you thought he injured people before? Well, now he's got a guided laser system and nuclear capabilities! 
But seriously, why not Predator? We've all been making the comparisons online for YEARS anyway, so why not just suit the fat bastard up? And all we can hope for in the end is that after a loss he pushes that thermal-nuclear self-destruct button. And sure, nuclear fallout is bad and all, but if your alternative is a prolonged Mark Henry push, I'll take a little cancer inducing radiation any day.


THE SPIRIT SQUAD (LITERALLY).
We all know Vince's fascination with these guys will end eventually, so you might as well think ahead. So, with that said, Kenny, Mitch, Nicky and Mikey will trade in their "spirit" for capturing  actual"spirits", when they exchange their pom-poms for a proton pack! Introducing The Spirit Squad; paranormal scientists and Ghostbusters extraordinaire!

Unlike their WWE stints, the Spirit Squad will be over as babyfaces after they rid the ECW of a marshmallow man (Mick Foley). However, things will go south fast after they accidentally suck Terry Funk into a ghost trap despite the fact that he's still alive (although, it is kinda tough to tell sometimes). From there, an angry Vince will demand the ECW ghost containment unit will be emptied, in turn unleashing the vengeful spirits of Public Enemy and Big Dick Dudley to do all sorts of damage!....well, for about 24 hours anyway, until Johnny Ace releases them all for not working "WWE style". Hey, on second thought, maybe this isn't that great of an idea after all....

BUFF THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!
Hey, I know he didn't leave Vince & company on the best of terms, but this is a *whole new* company and a whole new opportunity for the Stuff. And who better to portray a vampire slayer? I mean, he did work closely with two ancient evil bloodsuckers (Hogan & Nash) while in WCW! It's only natural! Ok, I lied. it's not natural. Chances are Buff wouldn't be able to have the fortitude to do in vampires and he'd need his mom to finish the work he started. But hey, he could like pose while she drove the stakes through the hearts. She did win the World Tag team Titles once, after all, remember? So what's impaling a few evil minions? Exactly.

OK, then. Clearly this was just an excuse to make a lot of pictures and ramble on, exposing my inherent nerdiness for both genres. But come on, tell the truth, you'd still watch this over SmackDown, wouldn't you?

I'm
Sean.
 

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).