Welcome back to the ECW
Report. Hey look, Vince saw his shadow
today! That means it's six more weeks of good WWE
programming. A God-awful joke? Yes, but bear with
me for a second...
For a WWE fan, this is the
most wonderful time of the year. That wonderous
period of the beginning of the year until Wrestlemania
when they actually give a shit about their
product. As a result, they put on good stuff, and
last night was pretty clear evidence of that.
Funny how when you focus your main WRESTLING show on
WRESTLING, you get non-shit. Everybody got in on
the act, too. I mean, Triple H resisted his
natural urges to Pedigree Jack Swagger dead center in
the ring in 30 seconds! Have to give the man
credit for that. I mean, sure, he did it 10 or so
minutes later, but he, GASP, made new talent look
good! I would just assume his forthcoming
Wrestlemania main event (yes, AGAIN) put him in a giving
mood. I mean, far be it for me to criticize the
choice to give one half of one of the WORST WM main
events EVER 600 grand and the top spot next year, but
I'm no WWE chairman, am I? No. No I am
not. And I could not be happier.
Still standing here in
Memphis! And RUH ROH RAGGY, apparently Vince
McMahon is going to address the future of ECW
tonight? Will I get a taste of sweet, sweet
freedom finally? INTRIGUE! This is shortly
followed by Tony Atlas introducing the Abraham
Washington show. So, if you ever need to answer
the question "How do I cause fan interest to do an
absolute 180 from interested to changing the
channel?" Well, here's your answer. So Abe
comes out to crack jokes about the whole NBC/Conan
drama, while Atlas decides to be the heckling kind of
co-host tonight. Which is somewhat humorous, so
I'll give them that. Mainly because goofing on
Abraham Washington brings me great joy. So out
comes STILL the ECW champ Christian, who's now
officially the longest reigning champ in all of
WWE. Christian is not long to bask in the glow of
victory, because out comes Zack Ryder and Rosa
Mendez. Ryder is quick to throw Helms' mugshot up
on the 'tron off the recent drunken escapade with
Jericho. So yeah, public embarassment gets
appropriate punishment. This leads to a couple of
nice quips by the champ, noting that at least Helms gets
recognized, and the "blink and you'll miss it"
performance in the Rumble. This is quick to
escalate into some shoving when Christian relates Rosa
to professional xenomorph Tila Tequila. A more
biting insult I cannot fathom. Abe separates the
two to end the show, and we're done here.
GASP! A slightly entertaining Abraham Washington
segment! They DO exist! Yeah, give it a
watch. There's worse ways to spend 10
minutes.
Shelton
Benjamin Vs. Vance Archer
HOLY SHIT, they're
actually going to have a match on ECW! Oh, and
Vance is looking as Zach Braff-tastic as ever, just want
to throw that out there. On an unrelated note, is
mentioning Vince the new panning to the WM 26
sign? I swear I must've seen that damn thing on my
TV every five seconds, and Vince coming out tonight
must've been mentioned at least five times
already. After a quick recap of Shelton getting
DENNIS'd from behind last week, away we go!
Things start off pretty
even, with Shelton getting the upper hand. Oh,
just realized something. At this point, how can
Shelton be calling himself the Gold Standard? I'm
fairly certain he hasn't even sniffed a title in over
two years. I mean, that'd be as silly as calling a
guy in his mid 40's The Heartbreak Kid! Oh, anyway
Vance takes a breather on the barricade outside, but
moves out of the way when Shelton goes for...something,
and both guys are down going into the
break.
Back from commercials,
Vance is demonstrating the value of restholds, using
them oh so frequently. Josh Matthews bust out gems
of saying that Vance has slowed this match to a grinding
halt, and how he extensively studies the human body and
how it works. You know, like a doctor. A
DOCTOR THAT WORKS AT SACRED HEART. Oh, then Josh
mentions Vince AGAIN to nullify any kudos I was about to
give. Shelton buys some time with a...leg whip I
guess, and another counter to run wild for a
second. Right after this, BOTCHAMANIA RUNS
WILD. Shelton tries going for a sunset flip out of
the corner, but Vance sits down and grabs the ropes
(which I'm guessing was the planned finish).
However, it's so painfully obvious to the ref that he's
grabbing the ropes that he's basically forced to break
it up. This is immediately followed by a
rope-assisted roll up by Vance for the win.
Winner: Vance
Archer
What Stood Out: That
was one HELL of an ugly finish. Hell, his music
and Savannah weren't even ready to go until he was
already out of the ring and up the ramp!
After the match, we
run a video promo of Bret and Vince from last
night. I was pleasantly surprised they didn't pull
the ol' bait and switch with Bret seeing how he was
invisible for everything but that segment. I also
enjoyed Bret and Batista doing it hockey style when it
came to blows. You don't see that too often.
Though I have to ask WHY Batista? I get making us
wait for Vince in the Sharpshooter is the way to go, but
with no explanation, Batista wailing on Bret
seems...random. After the package is over, it's
announced that they're showing what happened after the
show went off the air. HEY, that shit's supposed
to be invisible to us TV folk! Basically it shows
Cena and Batista, and I assume that Cena finally ran in
for the save. You know, after Bret was pounded
into oblivion and spat on. WHAT A
HERO.
Yoshi
Tatsu w/ Goldust Vs. THE DARKER GUY w/ THE NOT AS TAN
GUY
Jesus Christ, did THOSE
GUYS get their music changed AGAIN? This is
precisely why I refuse to acknowledge their names.
They simply have no identity whatsoever. Changing
their shit every 2-3 weeks isn't helping.
So Yoshi is all over DARK
from the get-go, but TAN sneaks a forearm shot from
around the ref to take over. After some restholds,
Yoshi is back on top with some kicks and such. Got
it? Good, I just saved you about 5 minutes.
Things go up top soon enough, with NOT LIGHT-SKINNED
'rana-ing Yoshi off the top, but Yoshi rolls
through. A SHADE OF GOLDEN BROWN rolls through
that roll through, but only picks up two. He
decides to argue with the ref, and turns around to eat a
roundhouse to get pinned.
Winner: Yoshi
Tatsu
What Stood Out: NEW
MUSIC AGAIN? GAH. Otherwise, short but
good. You'll have to take my word for it.
Come on, don't you trust me?
Aaand here we
go. Out comes Vince, who still garners boos like
none other. And all he did was walk out the
entranceway. Vince immediately cuts to the chase,
announcing that in 3 weeks ECW is DONE. He then
says that at the same time slot, a new innovative
program will be in ECW's place. And that's
it. He leaves. A big announcement to be
sure, but you'd think he'd be bothered to stay on this
damn brand for more than 1 minute...
In the ring, Gregory
Helms brings out Regal and Ezekiel. When Helms
asks Zeke about his loss to Christian at the Royal
Rumble PPV, Regal is quick to say "It's been a trying
week for you, hasn't it?" Helms says he's just
there to do his job, and Regal retorts that it's about
to get worse. Jackson then POUNCES on Helms, and
the two take turns schooling the drunkie, topping things
off with a negronage and running knee. Christian,
ever the hero, makes the at this point totally moot save
brandishing a kendo stick to send Regal and Zeke
packing. WWE faces: We're powerless to help
you until after you've been physically
traumatized! This is slightly less ridiculous than
last night because Bret was getting wailed on for 5
minutes straight, and tonight Helms only got like 40
seconds of beating before Christian came
out.
ECW Champion Christian
Vs. Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez, Non-title
match
I get that he was out
there already, but the champ getting the jobber entrance
tonight. Given that this match started at 10:58,
I'm not quite expecting a 30 minute wrestling clinic
here...
Christian and Zack start
things off relatively tame and slow, which is surprising
given the show's about to go off the air. Things
are even-ish, but the champ keeps having an answer to
whatever Zack is doing. Zack finally is able to
get some consistent offense in when he catches Christian
off the top and slingshots him into the ropes.
After about 2 minutes though (OK they're definitely
speeding it up now) Christian is back on top, hitting a
cross body for a two count. Lots of top ropery
from here, as Christian hits a missile dropkick, a
SHORYUKEN, and finally a killswitch, clean as a
sheet. So of course Ezekiel comes charging in from
here AGAIN to try and nail Christian from behind, but he
ducks the incoming clothesline. Oh well, DQ
anyway.
Winner:
Christian
What Stood Out:
Remember that triple threat WWE did in MSG that was
basically on fast forward the whole time because they
had like zero time left on the show? Yeah, that
was this match. Quick as HELL main event, and Zack
is not looking so hot. I think he might've got
like MAYBE 2 minutes of offense there. That's
barely above squash-level jobbing.
After the bell, Regal pops
up too and Christian fights them both off fairly well,
but it's all for naught as DARKNESS descends on the
champ from behind. They cap things off with
whipping Christian into the steps and laughing heartily
at their (now pointless because this show's GONE by the
end of the month) victory. So only 3 episodes left
before ECW's corpse is finally re-buried! Philly
and New York fans, rejoice! THE END.
Uppers: Actually...pretty much
anything that wasn't the first match gets my approval
tonight. Abe's segment was slightly entertaining
(given how the last one went, staring at dog shit would
be more entertaining), Yoshi's match was quick and
entertaining, as was the main event. Even the
Vance Archer/Shelton Benjamin match, while awful, was
still pretty amusing - well, at least the
finish...
Downers: ...but let's make no
mistake here, that match still sucked. Outside of
that, the Vince appearance was a pleasant surprise, but
DAMN you know he wanted to be FAR away from that show
the second he came out. So he just comes out,
straight announces ECW's fate, then bails. That's
it. Maybe someone tricked him into thinking it was
Monday night and came to the sudden realization when he
walked through the curtain and saw all the ECW
stuff? Dude's old and senile, so don't tell me it
couldn't be done. Oh and one Gregory Helms I
assume is updating his resume as we speak, because DAMN
he was made to look like a pathetic sack of shit
tonight.
Overall: A fairly decent episode
tonight, credit where it's due. Might as well
watch these shows while the watching's good, eh?
Though given the fate of ECW, I would mark like none
other if in the coming week everyone on the show stopped
giving a shit and began to just go the opposite of PG
for every second until they're done. TV MA ALL THE WAY
BABY.
Now, with that said,
what do I make of Vince's announcement? Well, I'm
the ECW recapper. ECW is officially done in 3
weeks. So, since ECW is done in 3 weeks, I am
too. Maybe I'll get a gander at this new show and
get interested in recapping it, but I wouldn't count on
it. Eh, we'll see. I intend on sending ECW
out in a drunken bang! Who's with me?!
Anyone? Hello?
