Still standing here one last
time in Kansas City! Because when I think ECW, I
think the midwest. And after a touching video on
the history of ECW (old ECW which doesn't last long
because UH OH viewers might find out that it was good at
one point before coming the diseased corpse it is now),
we get immediate hype for NXT, with the cast being
revealed tonight. Yes, CAST. Like I said,
reality show. What a birthday present, WWE.
FIRST MATCH GO.
WWE Unified
Tag Team Champions The Miz and Big Show Vs. Goldust and
Yoshi Tatsu
Now see, I didn't watch Raw last
night. Looking at the recap, glad I didn't.
However I didn't happen to get a listen of the theme
mash-up between Big Show and Miz.
AWWWWWWWWWFUL. Oh, and for some reason, Yoshi's
sporting Adon armbands or something. Now, start
standing on one leg constantly and have all your moves
names start with Jaguar.
Oh, Miz gets turned into smashed
ass for about five minutes via Yoshi and Goldy double
teams, but Goldust makes a mistake giving chase to Miz
on the outside...leading to a blind tag and Goldust
getting headbutted from behind. Ouch. Show
stalks Goldy like he's a buffet station going into the
break.
Back from break, Goldust manages
to tag to FUCKING STOP SAYING THE CARDIAC KID IT'S
RETARDED Yoshi, but Miz tags out to Show leading to
utter prison rape. Asian guys fetch a high price
in the slammer due to their girlish figures,
right? Anyway, the champs take turns beating the
spray tan off of Yoshi Tatsu (with Big Show going into
MMA mode for a second with a kinda Anaconda Vise) until
a discus elbow to Miz's face allows Goldust get the hot
tag. Things break right the fuck down from here,
with Show trying to interfere until Yoshi feebly tries
to stop him. Yep, that was the opposite of
effective. Yoshi gets tossed like a bitch while
Goldust is mounting Miz for the corner punches, but a
shot to the gut stops that cold. Skullcrushing
Finale finishes things off.
Winner: Miz and Big
Show
What Stood Out: I don't
think I've ever seen Yoshi look more feeble than in this
match.
After the match (featuring
Miz and Show hilariously overcelebrating the win...come
on guys, it's Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu), we get the
concept of NXT - Pros mentoring rookies. So the
first pairing? Jericho and Wade Barret, and next
up is Matt Hardy (who looks like a fucking lardass and a
half in the picture supplied) and Justin Gabriel.
The high point is Josh Matthews trying to hype the
rookies, such as (seriously, this is what I heard) for
Justin Gabriel: "From Cape Town, South Africa,
being compared to Johnny Damon and Adam Lambert."
My first reaction is...WHAT THE HELLLLLLL does that have
to do with wrestling? Oh God this is going to tank
so hard.
TO THE BACK now with General
Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany trying (and failing as
usual) to hype NXT when she's interrupted by Ryder
and Rosa. I...think she's angry, but as usual,
total lack of emotion rears its ugly head. Zack
demands to be in the final match of ECW, but gets denied
because he lost to Christian last week on
Superstars. Rosa jumps in with Spanish, leading to
ALMOST EMOTION from GMGBT saying the answer's still
no. Ryder then brings up that because it's extreme
rules, he can get involved if he wants to anyway.
Subtlety isn't exactly WWE's strong suit.
Next NXT pairing, MVP and Skipp
Sheffield. A good ol' country boy! Yes,
because that's a logical pairing with a former gang
member and thug. I smell a sitcom!
TO THE RING, with the final
(we hope) Abraham Washington show up now. After
some requisite trashing of the home town, he brings out
his final guest...himself. Joy. Shelton
Benjamin is quick to interrupt thankfully, hyping that
everyone's going to be a free agent. This brings
out John Dorian (screw it, I'll goof on that lanky
douche until I die), THOSE GUYS, and finally
Kozlov. They all try to get some words in, but
when the other white guys try to trash Kozlov's Russkie
promo, he trashes the set and all three, sending them
packing. Shelton and Kozlov simply hug it out
afterwards. Ebonyyyyyy and Ivoryyyyyyyy...I made
that recap short simply because I'm so done with this
awful segment.
Next announcements?
Carlito with Michael Tarver (I assume he's going to
teach him the ways to stand around being useless
backstage...DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME),
and....BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. Miz with Daniel Bryan, who
every IWC member would happen to know as BRYAN FUCKING
DANIELSON. I just find it hilarious that he's been
paired with a guy that everyone LOATHED for the longest
time in his WWE tenure. What do you think of your
darling now?!
After some hype for the PPV
Sunday, we get our next NXT pairing...Christian with
something that looks like an aborted fetus that didn't
take. Heath Slater is what it was named. It
must be murdered.
Next up, out comes said ECW
Champ, cutting a promo on how good ECW's been to him,
trying to defend that being here wasn't a total
demotion. Sorry buddy, not buying it. So he
talks about Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, being the
current longest reigning champion, and how he's proud to
be going out as champion. Like I said, WWE isn't
exactly subtle with their foreshadowing...
ECW
Champion Christian Vs. Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal,
Extreme Rules Title Match that is THE LAST MATCH ON ECW
EVAR~!
Between entrances, they make
another NXT pairing, CM Punk and Darren Young...who has
possibly the worst hairdo on a man I've ever seen.
Like, homosexuals are saying "Dude, that's gay."
Then they, you know, go do gay stuff.
The shit is on almost
immediately, with Zeke going all powerhouse on Christian
in the opening minutes. Things spill to the
outside within a couple minutes, and various forms of
plunder get used in a hurry. Christian manages to
send Zeke packing for a second, and out comes Ryder to
attack Christian...just to be a dick. He is from
Long Island, after all. Christian shuts his ass up
by flapjacking him onto a trash can, but out comes Rosa
to deliver a pride-obliterating bitch slap. This
prompts a barefoot GMGBT to come sprinting down the ramp
and HOLY SHIT that chick is beefy. GMGBT spears
Rosa and CATFIIIIIIGHT's her to the outside, but then
ruins it by talking. And that whole
non-personality thing comes into play again. All
three nuisances go to the back as we go to
break.
Zeke takes control out of the
final break, sending the champ off the top rope to the
outside. Zeke tries to sandwich Christian between
the steps and a trash can, but misses and gets
stunned. Christian then hops on the stairs, and
the sheer POWER of his yelling makes Zeke raise the
trash can to his face so he can get it drop-kicked into
him. Zeke then tries to run Christian over with a
shopping cart, but misses. I'm sorry, seeing a
huge black dude pushing a shopping cart as fast as he
can wearing nothing but boots and red trunks just is
cartoonishly hilarious, and reminds me why I watch this
shit. After some more back and forth (which is
going at a blistering pace all things considered), Zeke
and Regal bring out a table, and eventually set it up in
the ring. Superplex attempt fails, tornado DDT
attempt fails, but the kendo stick takes Zeke out long
enough to chase Regal to the back. Killswitch
attempt is met with Regal coming out again to stop it,
but he gets Killswitch'd instead. Zeke has long
recovered at this point, and delivers a negronage to the
champ THROUGH THE TABLE to pick up the win, and the
shortest championship ever (if the title's gone at the
end of the program).
Winner: Ezekiel
Jackson
What Stood Out: Well, they
relatively went out on top, because DAMN that shit was
overbooked to all hell.
So in a perfect symbolism of
ECW's history as a whole, the final ECW champion is...a
giant musclebound oaf whose back of his head looks like
my scrote. A COMPLETE PARALLEL. THE
E...
Oh wait, I think they forgot
one last NXT announcement, R-Truth and David Otunga
who's related to Jennifer Hudson apparently.
Considering what happened to most of her
family...luckiest guy ever? Maybe. And on
that morbid note, THE END. FOREVER.
Uppers: It's finally over! Ok
seriously, both matches were pretty damn good for a
dying show. Given the smaller timeframe, they did
their job right with hyping the new show, and showcasing
the best of WWECW one more time. So, hats be
tipped to that.
Downers: One thing I certainly am
not going to be missing is the Abraham Washington
show. I do take some joy in knowing that WWE is
going to showcase him on one of the other brands, so
more people will be...treated to his bowing
bullshit. Yes, treated. Also, I don't get
one bit why Zeke's the last ECW champ. Maybe Vince
decided to give one last parting shot to the balls for
Heyman? My IWC-ness says yes.
Overall: As a finale, nothing too
special, but pretty good regardless. I'd say watch
it just so you can say you saw ECW die.
Again.
And that'll do it for me.
So, what do I do from here? I guess I'll be on
call if Fuhrer Carless needs a lackey to do a report
when no one else will. After all, that's what got
me this job in the first place! However, as far as
this report goes, consider me officially off the
clock. I'm Neil McGilloway, and I'm pre-emptively
saying FUCK NXT.
Later!
