Hello all, I'm Sean
Carless, and I'll be your party host for this
Pay-per-view soirée aptly titled "One Night Stand". And
it's apropos, because after tonight's sweet sweet love
making with the temptress that is ECW, tomorrow, you'll
have to wake up and be forced to go back to your ugly,
boring wife, "The WWE", who refuses to ever give you
what you want. Come on, WWE, is too much to ask for a
little anal?
Anyhoo, on the edition of "Extreme
Heat" (a condition Edge no doubt now finds his genitals
in) that aired prior to the show, ECW is hosted by the
hardcore Icon himself, and a man who PERSONIFIES the
fighting spirit of Extreme Championship
Wrestling...Michael Cole!? Sweet Jesus.
Thankfully, this obvious poor judgment ends when
Heat goes off the air and the REAL show begins. And good
thing, because I was like THIS close to putting
myself through a table. Ok, I did that anyway
because I'm completely inebriated and no longer have any
of my bearings, but my point still stands, whatever that
is.
Show opens, and holy
shit, JOEY STYLES~! Or as my girlfriend said, "Why
is Subway's Jared getting such a loud ovation?". I
break up with her immediately. And crave a
sandwich. In that order. The crowd
gives Styles a standing O, followed by a "Joey"
chant, as Styles looks emotional. Styles then
introduces his broadcast partner, Cyrus, err, Joel
Gertner, err, Mick Foley, who has apparently
outgrown his sweet track pants and black t-shirt combo,
which I thought was actually
physically impossible. (one size fits all
some?). Anyway, despite looking like he
just got a free bowl a soup and a warm bed at the
Mission, Foley joins
Joey at the broadcast table and the show is
underway!
"Lion Heart" Chris Jericho w/o Y2J Vs. Lance
Storm w/ a very preggers Dawn Marie (Al Wilson's boys
can swim!) & Justin Credible w/ a few hours off
from Wal-Mart & Jason w/o explainable purpose
for employment.
Chris
Jericho is announced tonight as "Lion Heart" and not
"Y2J" as obviously *someone* finally figured out
the latter is a silly name considering the Millennium
was like 5 and a half fucking years
ago.That'd be like Lou Thesz wrestling as
something like the Great Depression (not to be
confused with WWE 2002-2005) well into the 1950's.
No? Well, the Industrial revolution, then? Come
on! Something has to apply, damn it! Ok, I'll admit
it. I'm very drunk. So disregard everything I just
wrote. Except this. And this. And that. And
this.
Anyway, a nice little match ensues
here, with both former Thrill Seekers first feeling each
other out to a very appreciative crowd. It must be nice
for Lance. This is the first time he's wrestled for a
WWE show where he wasn't chastised for being boring or
having a huge penis. Something tells me he's not losing
any sleep over the latter, though. Mostly because when
all the blood relocates there, he simply passes out and
goes into a coma.
Anyway, I always
laughed at the prospect of Lance calling himself a
thrill seeker, because one would think that'd entail
having functioning human emotions. But what do I know.
In a really cool spot (which elicits the night's first
"Holy Shit" chant) Lance tries to springboard backwards
off the top rope, but is caught by Jericho with a stiff
dropkick to the back. The crowd then eventually starts
chanting for the late (but let's face it, he's never
coming) "Chris Candido"; who of course was a former
partner/rival of Lance Storm. It's just then that I
picture Sonny Siaki watching this show from a bar, then
accidentally falling on the bartender and killing him
with what should have been a routine paying of the tab.
That's right.
From there, Lance gets to
peel off some of trademark spots including the rolling
half crab (Which I actually caught off a bus station
toilet seat once) followed by a two count off a great
superkick. Lance then goes for the cradle
PILEDRIVER (you know the move NO ONE IN THE WWE CAN EVER
USE BECAUSE IT'S SUPER DANGEROUS AND STUFF... NOT LIKE
FALLING OFF LADDERS THOUGH, WHICH IS PERFECTLY
SAFE!!!!), however, Jericho back body drops
Lance out, and maneuvers Lance into the Walls from what
looked like a Texas Cloverleaf initially. Dawn
Marie then gets up the apron distracting Jericho and the referee by
dropping her placenta on the ring apron (or
not) and allowing Justin Credible to cane Jericho in the face,
(he usually just uses it these days to place those
giant mason jars of pickles on the high
shelves) which of course allows Lance to pick
up the win. After the match, The Impact
Players, Jason (who to this day I still have no
idea what his actual fucking purpose is) and Dawn
celebrate. Dawn then gets the fuck out of there before
Snitsky gets to the building.
Winner: Lance Storm, who can now
go back reading and having a huge penis without all this
"hardcore business" weighing on his
mind.
/5
-Backstage, "Pitbull
by default" Gary Wolfe puts over those former ECW stars
who have since passed away, in a video piece called "ECW
Remembers" (followed by the phrase "unless it's pay day"
.... haha,
I kid.) Anyway, the tributes include Chris Candido,
Rocco Rock, Terry Gordy, The Sheik, Mike Lozansky,
Anthony "Pitbull" Durante, Mike Lockwood (Crash Holly)
and Big Dick Dudley. I then look over to my
friend Jay and ask him if in honor of his WCW
stint, if he thought Rocco's casket was
"pre-cut". A virtual wild west tumble weed of reaction
follows suit. Well, I thought it was
funny.
Three Way
Dance: Tajiri w/ Mikey Whipwreck & The Sinister
Minister Vs. Little Guido w/ FBI members Tracey
Smothers, J.T. Smith,Tony Mamaluke and Big Guido;
Vs. Super Crazy with a haircut that proves that he's
indeed deserving of the name the "Insane
Luchador".
Joey Styles makes sure to point
out that "Three Way Dances" differ from WWE’s
Triple-Threat matches, in that they're not stupid and
the match can only end after 2 men are eliminated
instead of WWE's standard guy lying on the floor for
upwards of ten minutes at a time selling shit he'd shrug
off in a normal match because, for whatever reason,
adding that ubiquitous 3rd douchebag in there causes
everyone to become very brittle and turn into a pussy.
Of course, I'm just paraphrasing
here...
Anyway, this match was very good
like the previous Jericho/Lance encounter, but much like
that match, this too was criminally short. Or
suspected criminally short in honor of some previous
gimmicks here. Anyway, the match is underway and
already Guido's entourage is getting involved as they
trip Crazy from the outside. Crazy then responds by
fighting his way to the balcony, and crushing the FBI
faction with a HUGE moonsault, to elicit a much
deserving "Holy Shit!" chant from the crowd. Back
inside, Mikey gets involved and sets up a
spaghetti-legged Guido (HIYO) on the top rope, and hits
a "Whippersnapper" (stunner basically) allowing Tajiri
to pin and eliminate Guido. YAKUZA defeats standard MOB
here. Hey, did you forget that in the last 2
years, both these guys were in gimmicks that alluded to
mob ties? Why they chose to, I don't know, kick and
fucking armbar people instead of shooting them, jointing
them in the basement of a butcher shop, then toss
bowling ball bags full of body parts off piers is
anyone's guess.
Anyway,
this leaves just Super Crazy and Regular
Tajiri to finish the match; which is ultimately won by
Crazy when he ducked an attempted buzz-saw kick by
Tajiri, powerbombed him, and delivered his patented
Triple moonsault (He hits three consecutive moonsaults
bouncing off each rope in order) for the pin. I heard
this how he got into the country in the first place. Who
needs a work visa when you can just somersault right
over the Border Patrol.
AMIRITE.
Winner: Super Crazy. His
brothers Kinda Crazy and Very Crazy would be SO
proud. Not his brother, Completely Sane, though. He's
always been the black sheep of the
family.
/5
-We get a nostalgia video of ECW
including Shane Douglas's infamous post NWA Title
winning speech that birthed the ECW we now knew and
loved and then turned a blind eye to every Friday
night when they wasted 20 minutes of TNN time doing
skits with the fucking Musketeer and the
Prodigette. Surprisingly enough, though, the name
"Ric Flair" is edited out of Shane's diatribe against
former NWA champions. Hmm, I wonder why that is? It's
not like Flair has friends-uh in high-uh places-uh or
anything-uh.
Rey Mysterio w/Junior! Vs. Psicosis
w/ a big giant ugly fucking face. (Trust
me.).
Hey! Continuity! Rey is "Junior"
again for tonight! Joey Styles then explains that it was
Rey Mysterio Sr. who allowed Rey to adopt his name
(true), and then gave the okay for him to drop the
"Junior" part eventually (umm, not true. That was
likely Vince who probably said something to the effect
of "Who the fuck is Rey Mysterio Senior?").
Anyway, Psicosis decides to wrestle with the mask OFF
tonight, which the crowd (after the unmasking) begins
chanting "put the mask on!" Man, I love ECW crowds. And
you know what? They're absolutely right. There was a
reason someone put this dude under a hood in the
first place. His face looks like it's giving birth to
fucking El Gigante.
Anyway, the match is now underway,
and it's good, but not great. For some odd reason both
these guys can't seem to get on the same page, and it's
a shame considering how amazing their initial series was
in 1995. My guess is that it was because of the
'WWE-style" now burned into Rey's tiny little soul with
all his 619s and dropping of Dimes (that Paul Heyman
will no doubt run in and pick up!). Anyway, one really
cool spot see Psicosis hit a HUGE guillotine as called
by Styles off the top rope as Rey lay strewn across the
barricade. Guillotine, huh? It's no wonder France
discontinued this
form of capital punishment. It
must've been a real bitch keeping people bent over so
Mexicans could leg drop them.
Meanwhile, back inside, Rey
rallies and hits the 619 (which gets boo'd BADLY) then
finishes with the tiny flying cock of death (West Coat
Pop).
Winner: Rey Mysterio Jr! The only
dude on earth who can get tattoos over 2/3rds of his
body, but get carded at a PG-13
movie.
/5
-Hey, remember when I wondered why
the first three matches were all under ten minutes?
Well, here's your reason: THE SMACKDOWN SUPERSTARS led
by JBL and Kurt Angle ARRIVE~!
EC-DUB!
- A brief video airs of more ECW
action interspersed with a stuttering Bubba Dudley
trying to spit out "Let's get ready to rumble." The part
where they show Paul Heyman in a nose, mustache and
glasses disguise sneaking out the back of the ECW Arena
with unsigned checks is strangely edited from the
vignette.
-Back to the SmackDown stars,
'cause let's face it, it's not like we just wanted to
watch ECW matches or anything. THIS SHOW NEEDS MORE
SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT!!!!! Anyway, as they sit down, the
fans are hurling some F-bombs, but they're actually
MUTED. What the fuck?! Censoring? Hey, I'm not
completely against censorship, (where are the red X's
when Ric Flair takes off his robe?) but let's use
it when it's actually warranted. Like say minute 26
of tomorrow night's opening HHH
promo.
Anyway, with the SmackDown stars
now sitting down, Joel Gertner tries to come out and cut
his trademark dirty limerick, but JBL grabs his
microphone and kicks him in the ass. Be thankful that's
all he did with it, Joel. The fact that Joel looks like
he hasn't showered since the last ECW PPV, might have
saved his life here. Or at least his asshole. Kurt Angle and
JBL then each cut a promo that seems to go on and ON.
Hey, I like JBL and Kurt and everything, but didn't we
establish their reasons for hating ECW already? Gotta
love WWE. So far tonight, the only thing being
needlessly beaten over the head here is us. WE GET IT.
THEY HATE ECW. JBL then continues his promo
referring to the Hammerstein Ballroom as a "Bingo Hall",
as the crowd chants "Fuck SmackDown!" and "You suck
Dick!" at JBL (Well, in his defense, he's actually too
busy soaping their asses to ever have time to get that
far), and finally "Shut the fuck up!". JBL then
basically says that he's sold out Madison Square Garden, and all
ECW has is guys who can only hit each other with
weapons. Hmmm, Thank God JBL's ONLY good matches in the
last year didn't involve him getting hit with objects
and bleeding a lot or that'd be a little
awkward....
Anyway, RVD's entrance cues, and
he's accompanied by Bill Alfonso~! YES. I love Fonzy.
Only Heyman would take a guy who's voice
already sounded like he was trying to push a
sequoia through his asshole, and give him whistle to
make him EVEN MORE ANNOYING . RVD
then cuts a career best promo, burying the office
and creative, likely under a mountain of Cheetoes &
Funyon wrappers. He states that tonight
you'll hear a vocabulary from him that differs from just
"cool" and "whatever." He'll add, "man", and maybe "rad"
as well. Or not. HE SMOKES
POT~!
He then says basically that
WWE has handcuffed his style and that in ECW he was
allowed to get over because ECW gave its fans what they
wanted and not the EXACT SAME FACES every week. I
must've missed the part where Justin Credible wore a
bunch of disguises in 2000! Ah, I
kid.
From there Rob states
that it was his idea for this show and put over Vince
for allowing it. Right then Rhyno runs in and GORES Van
Dam, having obviously recently moved up from
destroying potted plants to pot-heads....
The lights then go
out, and it's SABU! And here I thought Paul
just spent the Hydro bill money on a one way ticket
LA. ROLLERBALL 2 AIN'T JUST GONNA FILM ITSELF, PEOPLE!
Ahem. Anyway, the crowd anticipated 'Bu, but still
popped like a motherfucker anyway.
In classic ECW
fashion, this of course leads to a
match....
The
Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu Vs. the
previously suicidal
Rhyno...
The match starts out with a CLASSY
chant of "you got fired!" at Rhyno by the crowd. For the
record, Rhyno and Sabu looked SHARP here and were spot
on. I think it's because Rhyno pictured Sabu wearing a
giant Faberge egg or something and just followed his
natural inclinations.
Anyway, this was the first match
this night in my opinion that clearly embodied the
true spirit of ECW as it was just CHAOS. First
high spot by Sabu saw him use a chair to springboard
off, where he landed on the top rope and dove onto Rhyno
on the floor. Back inside, Sabu ends up getting an
impressive top rope frankensteiner on Rhyno, then
sandwiched Rhyno with a running corner heel kick/splash.
Rhyno however rallies and Irish whips Sabu into a chair,
and looks for the gore, but Sabu moves and the referee
eats it. Anyway, after a Rhyno PILEDRIVER (I guess it's
ok when the office doesn't care if you die with
it) RVD comes in for the save, and tosses a chair in
Rhyno's face, then skate boards said chair into Rhyno's
head as he lay in the corner. I THOUGHT POACHING
WAS ILLEGAL~! SAVE THE RHYNOS! THE HYPPOS ARE
NEXT! With a new referee now out, Sabu & RVD
set up a table, put Rhyno on it, and Sabu finishes with
the Arabian Faccecrusher for the win. Note to self;
never piss off an Arab, lest I'm prepared to have my
face crushed.
Winner: Sabu~! Who might want to
axe that whole "genocide" thing from his catchphrase,
before Bush invades Bombay...Michigan. Just a
warning.
/5
-Al Snow and Head are
briefly seen backstage. He claims no one came here to
see, and I quote, a bunch of SmackDown assholes. Huh. I
heard this was originally the tagline the CW Network was
going to use but had second thoughts. Good
thinking.
Anyway, this segues to
another ECW nostalgia
package.
-Team RAW comes out
led by Eric Bischoff and Edge. Styles gets a zinger on
Edge with "I'm glad I didn't bring my wife tonight!".
Did I mention how much Joey Styles RULES, and in only 3
hours he has eclipsed EVERYTHING WWE's shitty homegrown
manufactured dickheads like Coach and Cole have
done in 9 years with the company? Well, I am
now.
Joel Gertner comes out again, then
begs Eric for a job, but Eric refuses! Hey, isn't this a
dude who once hired the entire No Limit Soldiers and
Master P for MILLIONS? What, there's no room for Gertner
on resume that includes the fucking Kiss Demon?
Holy shit. Bischoff then cuts his own Anti-ECW promo,
but the fans are getting restless. Maybe because THEY
GET THE FUCKING POINT. Vince should have just
hammered the point home by making them wear t-shirts
that say "Bad guys". You know, for the benefit of
those people who have 5 first names, are retarded or are
in WWE Creative.
Chris Benoit Vs. Eddie Guerrero;
You know, it's funny, but who'd
ever think that Benoit and Guerrero would be the guys to
endorse unadulterated violence and mayhem, while people
like Snitsky & and fucking Tyson Tomko are the one's
who stand up for the art of "pure wrestling"? That's
hilarious.
Snitsky: You ECW
guys need to stop all this senseless brutality,
unless you're pregnant, and learn to love and
embrace the art-form that is
PURE catch-as-catch-can
wrestling!
Tomko: Hey, Snit,
don't we just basically kick people for a
living?
Snitsky:
Shhhhh.
Anyway, this will be our
obligatory respect match, wrestled under "Japanese
Strong-style", which for the record always sounded like
a type of porn to me which you'll find it
sandwiched between Bukkake and bondage. It features lots
of hard striking, deadly suplexes and
raping teenaged girls with tentacles. It's
something. Anyway, Eddie and Benoit have a good
match, but the crowd seems more interested in insulting
Edge, who's sitting in the balcony with a "She's (Lita)
got Herpes!" chant. Silly, ECW fans. It's She HAS
Herpes. These people obviously never went to
school. Taken personally by Ric
Flair. However, as far as this chant goes, I
picture a bead of worried sweat rolling down the
foreheads of Super Crazy & Psciosis, who
then frantically get onto the horn to warn half of
Mexico about Lita's predicament. It's their duty.
Millions of lives are at
stake~!
In any event, out of all the
matches scheduled tonight, this probably had the highest
expectations, however, for whatever reason, Eddie seemed
a little unmotivated. Way to keep that unfair racial
stereotype alive, Eddie! You just watch him roll those
hips the day the checks come out though!
Ahem.
So, ya, the match
suffered somewhat. Anyway, the big spot in this one is
two separate superplex spots. Hey, here's a question, is
there such thing as a "plex"? And what makes this super?
If there's no plex to compare it to, what makes this so
special? And why am I talking about this? Because you
can't really make fun of Chris Benoit & Eddie's
wrestling because they're the best on Earth and
I need something dumb to kill time?
Maybe. Eddie then goes up top, but whiffs on
the frogsplash. There's no water in the pool~! ...Which
someone of his nationality just cleaned for unfair
wages! Benoit then gets the crossface and Eddie
taps out. There is sadly no post match congratulatory
hug, however. I blame this on the fact that it's
physically impossible for Chris to do this due to the
tragic length of his arms. Poor guy. A sad State of
Genetics (not Alabama) have prevented a show of good
sportsmanship and the ability to tie shoes without
help.
Winner: Chris
Benoit.
/5
Mike
Awesome Vs. Masato
Tanaka
YES! I always LOVED this feud and
this match DELIVERED. It was like watching a video of
fucking "Bum Fights" as two guys with nothing on the
horizon and NOTHING to lose totally rip shit up and kill
each other. Sadly, Mike & Masato didn't get a warm
bed and some tattered 1970's Adidas pants for their
troubles here. And the best part is you could tell
WWE bookers had ZERO to do with match, because no
logically thinking human being would allow (and plan)
these type of insane spots.
Anyway, Joey Styles buries Awesome
for "selling out" to WCW in 2000, citing that he wished
Awesome's suicide dive "got the job
done".
[Sean's edit from
2008: IRONY~! It's not just what iron tastes
like!].
From there, Awesome sets up
a table, propped between the ring and the barricade, and
delivers an AWESOME BOMB off the apron to Tanaka through
the table! Just sick shit as Tanaka folds upon impact
looking like he broke his neck.
Back inside, Awesome
has a chair and CRUSHES Tanaka with a series of brutal
shots...in which Tanaka no sells! Tanaka then gets
the advantage and hits his patented Diamond-dust (think
a modified inverted-tornado-DDT from the corner into a
stunner) but Awesome is still alive, so Tanaka delivers
a standard tornado DDT- onto a chair, but this only gets
a two! Tanaka then resorts to putting a chair over
Awesome's face, and delivering a sort of "one man
conchairto." From there, Awesome gains the advantage,
and climbs to the top rope and kills Tanaka DEAD with a
flying chair shot. (think a regular chair shot...only
LEAPING off the top rope.). From there, he gets a table,
and is looking for a superplex, but Tanaka somehow
counters that into a TOP ROPE TORNADO DDT through the
table, but amazingly, Awesome kicks out at two! With
both men staggered, Tanaka attempts to climb up to the
top rope once more, but is met by Awesome, who then
POWERBOMBS Tanaka off the top THROUGH the same busted
table shards, almost impaling Tanaka on the leg!...and
STILL can't get a three count! Meanwhile, in the ensuing
chaos, Foley and Styles makes fun of Awesome's WCW
gimmicks, including the "Fat chick thriller" (See, I
told you HHH wasn't the only one out there!). Anyway,
Awesome finally goes for the kill (and I mean almost
literally) as he Awesome-bombs Tanaka from the ring,
through the table on the floor, and immediately follows
that up with a crushing suicide dive (attempted suicide
dive? He is after all still alive) as the Referee
finally counts the pin. TWF's Jason Hart then
looks over at me and says "Hey, since when was this a
Falls Count Anywhere match?" to which I replied "It's
ECW." You'll find that answer covers just about
everything. Especially why you're feeding your family
with Food Stamps instead of getting a regular check.
This is the last ECW joke, I swear. I
think.
Winner: Mike Awesome. You can fuck
as many overweight girls as you want, buddy. You earned
it. (Special tip of the giant Raiden hat to Tanaka
as well here, who had no problem dying for our sins
tonight.).
/5
-An
emotional Paul Heyman comes out in full cap and leather
trench coat. He hilariously states that his eyes look
red, not because he was crying, but because he just
smoked a joint with Rob Van Dam backstage. From there,
the crowd almost immediately breaks into a chant of
"Thank You, Paul!"…that’s clearly reminiscent of all
those "Thank You, Vince" chants not bounding
through WWE arenas across the
country.
Almost immediately from there,
Heyman goes into full "shoot" mode and first buries
Edge, saying that he's got two words for
him "Matt friggin' Hardy". Okay, that
was THREE words. But hey, whatever; Paul
was never really that good with numbers. I lied
about no more jokes. From there, he switches
gears to Bradshaw and states the only reason JBL was WWE
champion was because "HHH doesn't want to work
Tuesdays.". And job Monday through Sunday. Or maybe
just the first part.
- At this
point my PPV cuts out and the Viewer's choice
screen appears, as Jason and I prepare ourselves to go
down to the Cable company and exact a little "Hardcore
retribution" of our own; and by that, I mean BEG
that they have mercy on us and to please immediately
re-connect the PPV feed. Anyway, it turns out it was
just a break to promote Rob Zombie's latest movie
about... someone being trapped somewhere.. and umm,
dying. That's what all his movies are about, aren't
they?
Those Damn Dudleys w/ glasses and tie dye Vs.
Tommy Dreamer & The Sandman w/ a liver the size of a
sun-dried
raisin.
Tommy comes out to a Jimmy
Hart-esque digitized midi-file of Alice in Chains' "Man
in the box", but Sandman gets FUCKING 'ENTER
SANDMAN'!
Color me orgasamed. Anyway, Sandman gets his FULL
entrance including pouring beer onto the T-shirt of
former ECW valet Elektra at ringside, who for the record
was the only woman in wrestling history who
actually made Terri Runnels seem like she had natural
breasts in comparison. Not that I'm complaining. Even if
Elektra's tits have less movement than the pectorals
of my 1982 He-Man.
Anyway, this match was our ECW
clustershmazz of the night and I loved every minute of
it. First, the bWo (Blue World order) comes out. The bWo
are comprised of Stevie "Big Stevie Cool" Richards, Blue
Meanie (Da Blue Guy) and Hollywood Nova (aka Simon
Dean.) Anyway, Stevie grabs the stick and states "we're
taking over!" but I'm more focused on Blue Meanie, who
appears to have put back on EVERY pound he lost
while dating porn star Jasmine "Boy, that's a lot
of COCKS!" St. Claire. It looks like he may have drowned
his break-up sorrows in a few (hundred) bowls of
ice cream since then, you know, while Jasmine drowns
hers in other vile liquids too horrible to be
mentioned here. In a row~!
Anyway, the brawl is
ON, and here comes Kid Kash, followed by Balls Mahoney
and Axl Rotten. In the chaos, Kash gets a HUGE
springboard senton that bowls over everyone on the
floor. From there, with the interference (well, for now)
out of the way, the match gets underway. The Dudleys break out the old
Greco-Roman cheese-grater right away, and Tommy does
color something fierce. Eventually, the grater gets
turned on the Dudleys,
however. From there, Sandman and Dreamer bring a ladder
into the ring and Dreamer does the old Terry Funk
windmill spot taking out both Dudleys. The Impact
Players (Lance Storm and Justin Credible) then run out
and break up the match as Dreamer and Sandman each had a
figure four on a Dudley. Justin then hits
the "That's Incredible" tombstone piledriver on Sandman
directly onto a pile of barb wire. Francine (another
un-announced surprise) runs in and kicks Dreamer low,
but Dreamer's real life squeeze, Beulah McGillicutty
runs in, ducks an Impact player charge (allowing Lance
to take out Justin) and a cat fight (CAT FIGHTTTT! CAT
FIGHTTT! CATFIGHTTT! as called Mr. Styles) ensues
between the two women. Mr. and Mrs. Dreamer then hit a
stereo DDT on the Dudleys and both try to cover, but
it's only a two count. The crowd then began to
chant "She's Hardcore!" to Beulah, and you know what,
they're right. And I have the Penthouse
spread to prove it. It's
just one big thick page now, but I still have it,
damn it.
Anyway, from there, Dreamer sets
up a chair on D-Von's crotch and hits a hard shot into
the chair as Joey rattles off the call of the night with
"He just crushed his BALLS!". As god as my witness, his
balls are broken in half. Anyway, The Dudleys
regain the advantage by putting Sandman through a table
and hitting a 3D on Dreamer. Right then, Little Spike
Dudley runs in, and hands off some lighting fluid to
Bubba, and the Dudleys light a table on fire and
powerbomb Dreamer through it in a brutal visual. I think
fucking Anakin Skywalker got off lighter than poor Tommy
here. And somehow, I don't think Heyman's going to be
whisking him back to Coruscant for repairs anytime
soon...
Darth Tommy: "Where is
Beulah? Is she Ok. Is she All
right?
Heyman: "Umm, Ya,
about that. In your anger, I'm afraid you killed
her."
Darth Tommy:
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Heyman: "I'm just
messing with ya. She's just fucking
Raven."
Darth Tommy: "Dude,
that's way worse..."
The Dudleys get the
academic victory from there. Literally. Bubba recites
the entire periodic table while D-Von goes
over this week's spelling words. Or
not. Dudleys prevail. And I feel bad for
Dreamer. Until I remember that he gets to slip the old
"kendo stick" to Beulah any time he wants. I feel a
little bit better after
that.
Winners: The Dudley
Boyz.
/5
-After the match, the Dudleys look to finish the job
they started on Beulah in the 90's (They "broke" her
neck off a 3D causing her retirement) but Sandman makes
the save with the Singapore Cane. Sandman then goes to
check on the tragically burned Tommy Dreamer, and
automatically yells for a beer. Man, I can only hope for
the same compassion from my best friend when I have
tragic burns over 2/3rds of my
body.....
Anyway, at the mention of "beer",
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN's music hits, and he comes out
and declares he wants to have beer bash. But first, he
demands the RAW and SmackDown guys come down and face
the ECW locker room. Hey! Why is it every time Vince
feels there's a fledgling brand that "can't get over
enough on its own"…he makes Steve Austin their leader?
Anyway, the WWE guys reluctantly come down and the shit
is on! In the chaos, TAZ (no extra Z) comes down
to his original "War Machine" theme and ends up
choking Angle out on the floor while the rest of ECW
guys dump the WWE guys out of the ring. In the ensuing
chaos, Bischoff has made his way to broadcast booth, and
Styles hilariously shoots on him, stating that he
(Bischoff) was the worst announcer EVER when he called
WCW Nitro, and the only reason he'd ever be in that
position is because he ran the company. Obviously, Joey
never heard Steve McMichael. Anyway, Austin, back on the
mic, demands that Foley bring Eric to the ring (as the
WWE guys run away) and then Austin calls for a 3D by the
Dudleys on Eric, followed by a Benoit flying-headbutt,
and a 619 by Rey (which gets Boo'd again) and Austin
finally lays in the stunner (much like he used to in the
ECW arena back in the day.... Hey, what do you mean he
never did that? Not Ever? Then why...err, never mind.)
Austin's theme then hits (saywhatinthefucknow?) and
everyone celebrates with beer, as Austin's theme segues
into Drowning Pool's "Let the bodies hit the floor!"...
for which Vince is obviously going to get as much
fucking mileage out of as he can
FOREVER.
The show goes off the
air as Joey Styles passionately yells out "ECW
LIVES~!!!!".
End
show.
Final Thoughts: Easily the BEST
Pay-per-view of the last 4 years, with NOT ONE bad
match. It'll be somewhat depressing next month when
we're back to the same homogenized cookie-cutter douche
bags like Mark Jindrak stinking up the joint. But at
least we'll always have this
night..
That said, this PPV clearly
delivered on every level, but, in my opinion, it would
have been even BETTER had not so much focus been made on
the WWE Invasion aspect of it. However, I completely
understand why they did do it. (Nothing wrong with
trying to appeal to both the hardcore and casual
markets.) My only real problems was the time given to
the WWE promos (they had clearly made their intentions
known on RAW and SmackDown leading up to the show) and
the time would have probably been better served
being given to the first 3 matches (at least in my
opinion). Also, I kind of felt funny about Steve Austin
being kind of the final focal point at the end of the
show. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Stone Cold, but
personally, I feel as if Taz would have been better
suited to that role, when you consider that Austin just basically
passed through ECW briefly, and was hardly an icon
there. But hey, that's just me. But then again, a big
part of ECW was beating the shit out of women, so who
better to cover that unrepresented charge here
than Ol' Stone Cold? And yes, that's how we're going out
here. THUMBS UP~!
I'm Sean.
ECW 