After the success of his initial interview with Sean Carless, George Lucas contacted me to tell me about his newest project. I leaped at the opportunity and here I present his newest
film for your reading pleasure.
George Lucas's obsession with prequels and lanky white guys who can't act continues as he unleashes Ashton Kutcher on the
unsuspecting movie audience as a Young Indiana Jones for the "black man music generation". Lucas has been heard to say that
Kutcher "epitomizes all that an actor should be. He's tall, skinny, and can act like a stuck up whiny white guy, a staple
for all of all the stars of my movie. He's like Hayden Christianson, but a REALLY good actor. Have you seen 'Butterfly Effect'?
He reminded me of a young Jake Lloyd in that movie." But don't expect this Indiana Jones to push the limits like the last
one did (Raider's of the Los Ark caused the PG-13 rating to be invented). This movie is the epitome of everything Steven Speilberg
and Lucas want in a flick. Lucas describes. "I'm a pussy." I asked him to elaborate. "Well ever since I became a father, Stephen
and I have realized that our testicles have sucked into our body cavity and become ovaries. We now produce estrogen at an
alarming rate, and have come to the conclusion that we are women. It's no longer our job to produce groundbreaking films that
push the envelope, but it is our job to re-edit our previous films in a way that coddles children and doesn't promote violence."
I asked him to elaborate. "You see, I don't want kids to think that it is ok to pick up sabers of light and chop off each
others limbs with it, or even pretend to." I now pick up my plastic light saber and start hitting George with it. He chuckles
and says, "I've made so much money off of that thing." He then autographs it and walks outside where he starts an auction
for all the kids who came by. As children ranging from 10-45 years of age start throwing money at Lucas he turns to me and
says, "You know" while pointing at the light saber, "in the special editions of the movies, I was going to call these things
'love sticks.'"
After what seems like 2 hours, Lucas sits back down, his jacket stuffed
with money and blood. "Some little tyke sold his liver and kidneys and bought the love stick from me. Isn't the 'Star Wars'
phenomenon beautiful?" He continues to stroke the money, muttering "my precious" under his breath while I asked him if any
of this was going to lead anywhere. He laughs and says, "Young padawan, the dark side of impatience is strong in you. Before
we can get to the good stuff, we have to talk politics!" He then slams his fist on the table repeatedly as if he is holding
a gavel and then proceeds to act out a three hour session of a meeting of the galactic federation counsel complete with 400
costume changes and Lucas performing as Jar Jar Binks and Wookies. "Meesa lika movie suh!" Lucas says while jumping from one
foot to the other in dance like fashion. "And don't EVEN say this is racist! I am so sick of all the black, yellow and brown
telling me how racist I am because I put Jar Jar in the movie. The guy is supposed to be cool, like one of those black dudes
from Jamaica." I plead with him to sit down and talk about his new movie, and stop with this stupidity. "STUPIDITY??" Lucas
bellows. I ask him what any of the past 5 hours had to do with his movie. "I've been teaching you about the movie young Padawan.
This new movie will have cult following like 'Star Wars', but will be family friendly and star the Mark Hamil of your generation!
Here grab a seat and I'll tell you all about it.
"It all starts when Young Indy wakes up after a night of heavy milk drinking
and finds that his trusty whip, I mean love snake.wait, Indy hates snakes.let's stick with whip, I can market that, has been
stolen. He rolls over to and taps his best friend, Paco del Beaner Garcia (played by 'That 70's Show's' 'Fez' in BRILLIANT
casting) He asks young Beaner what happened the previous night. Beaner responds in his wonderfully cartoon-like way. Just
like my gardener, or Speedy Gonzales 'I dunno signor. I just like sleeping all the time.'
'Oh you Beaners,' quips young Indy, before he starts looking around the
room. Slowly at first, and then more frantically, knocking over milk bottles in the process.
'Where is it?' he mutters at first before kicking a dozing Paco and yelling
'Wake up Beaner! Where is it?'
Paco opens his lazy brown eyes and says, 'Where is what signor?'
That my friend will be the catchphrase of a new millennium," Lucas says
to me with a huge smile on his face.
I stare at him, unable to believe the words coming out of his mouth. Before
I can say anything Lucas continues.
"Well before you know it, Young Indy and Paco del Beaner go on a monumental
journey searching for the legendary whip. Their adventure isn't going that well so far because Paco likes to sleep and Indy
keeps having to wake him up and make sure he carries all of the wrinkled old bags (we are negotiating with Demi Moore to play
one of them, but we all know how real life couples screw up box office revenues).
"For the first hour or so of the movie, nothing really happens. I saw the
Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I know a great marketing tool when I see it. The longer the film, the more money it makes,
so with that in mind, Indy and young Beaner travel from country to country looking for the whip and finding themselves in
many long and detailed judiciary committees solving many of the world's problems, or making them worse, I don't know I haven't
really figured that part out yet.
Anyway, they finally get some information about the whereabouts of the
whip and they go into space! Yeah, that's right. So they go into space right, and then they reach the bad guy, he will be
dressed in an all black scuba suit and breathes through a respirator like Christopher Reeve did (damn this is good! Dude,
where's my pen, I gotta write some of this down). He'll be called Dark Van Vader or something like that, and will be surrounded
by creatures that resemble snakes, but are furry and have big anime sized eyes. I'll call them snewoks. This will allow young
Indy to quip his famous line, "I hate snewocks, but they're so cute and cuddly, I think I want to buy one!" It turns out Dark
Van Vader does have the whip, and Young Indy recovers it somehow. I'm not sure what, but I'll just shoot them running in front
of a green screen and fill in the rest later. But before Young Indy can escape the space station, Dark reveals the most groundbreaking
secret of ALL TIME! Get this: Dark is Beaner's illegitimate father! Oh yeah! Dark will then take an escape pod and fly away
somewhere. This will set up the sequel to this movie: 'Dude, Where's My Daddy', where Beaner will go in search of his father
as he wanders planets and the globe sitting in on government council meetings, and cuts lawn. It's the sequel that will guarantee
that I can buy another solid gold wife."
I stare at Lucas as the sweat pours down his face. He reaches into
his pocket and blots it off with a $500 bill, and then throws it in the trash. I don't know what to say, but I know what I'm
thinking: This is the greatest movie ever.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY WHIP?