After the success of his initial interview
with Sean Carless, George
Lucas contacted me to tell me about his newest project.
I leaped at the opportunity and here I present his
newest film for your reading pleasure.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY
WHIP?
George Lucas's obsession with prequels and lanky
white guys who can't act continues as he unleashes
Ashton Kutcher on the unsuspecting movie audience as a
Young Indiana Jones for the "black man music
generation". Lucas has been heard to say that Kutcher
"epitomizes all that an actor should be. He's tall,
skinny, and can act like a stuck up whiny white guy, a
staple for all of all the stars of my movie. He's like
Hayden Christianson, but a REALLY good actor. Have you
seen 'Butterfly Effect'? He reminded me of a young Jake
Lloyd in that movie." But don't expect this Indiana
Jones to push the limits like the last one did (Raider's
of the Los Ark caused the PG-13 rating to be invented).
This movie is the epitome of everything Steven Speilberg
and Lucas want in a flick. Lucas describes. "I'm a
pussy." I asked him to elaborate. "Well ever since I
became a father, Stephen and I have realized that our
testicles have sucked into our body cavity and become
ovaries. We now produce estrogen at an alarming rate,
and have come to the conclusion that we are women. It's
no longer our job to produce groundbreaking films that
push the envelope, but it is our job to re-edit our
previous films in a way that coddles children and
doesn't promote violence." I asked him to elaborate.
"You see, I don't want kids to think that it is ok to
pick up sabers of light and chop off each others limbs
with it, or even pretend to." I now pick up my plastic
light saber and start hitting George with it. He
chuckles and says, "I've made so much money off of that
thing." He then autographs it and walks outside where he
starts an auction for all the kids who came by. As
children ranging from 10-45 years of age start throwing
money at Lucas he turns to me and says, "You know" while
pointing at the light saber, "in the special editions of
the movies, I was going to call these things 'love
sticks.'"
After what seems like 2 hours, Lucas
sits back down, his jacket stuffed with money and blood.
"Some little tyke sold his liver and kidneys and bought
the love stick from me. Isn't the 'Star Wars' phenomenon
beautiful?" He continues to stroke the money, muttering
"my precious" under his breath while I asked him if any
of this was going to lead anywhere. He laughs and says,
"Young padawan, the dark side of impatience is strong in
you. Before we can get to the good stuff, we have to
talk politics!" He then slams his fist on the table
repeatedly as if he is holding a gavel and then proceeds
to act out a three hour session of a meeting of the
galactic federation counsel complete with 400 costume
changes and Lucas performing as Jar Jar Binks and
Wookies. "Meesa lika movie suh!" Lucas says while
jumping from one foot to the other in dance like
fashion. "And don't EVEN say this is racist! I am so
sick of all the black, yellow and brown telling me how
racist I am because I put Jar Jar in the movie. The guy
is supposed to be cool, like one of those black dudes
from Jamaica." I plead with him to sit down and talk
about his new movie, and stop with this stupidity.
"STUPIDITY??" Lucas bellows. I ask him what any of the
past 5 hours had to do with his movie. "I've been
teaching you about the movie young Padawan. This new
movie will have cult following like 'Star Wars', but
will be family friendly and star the Mark Hamil of your
generation! Here grab a seat and I'll tell you all about
it.
"It
all starts when Young Indy wakes up after a night of
heavy milk drinking and finds that his trusty whip, I
mean love snake.wait, Indy hates snakes.let's stick with
whip, I can market that, has been stolen. He rolls over
to and taps his best friend, Paco del Beaner Garcia
(played by 'That 70's Show's' 'Fez' in BRILLIANT
casting) He asks young Beaner what happened the previous
night. Beaner responds in his wonderfully cartoon-like
way. Just like my gardener, or Speedy Gonzales 'I dunno
signor. I just like sleeping all the time.'
'Oh
you Beaners,' quips young Indy, before he starts looking
around the room. Slowly at first, and then more
frantically, knocking over milk bottles in the process.
'Where is it?' he mutters at first
before kicking a dozing Paco and yelling 'Wake up
Beaner! Where is it?'
Paco
opens his lazy brown eyes and says, 'Where is what
signor?'
'How
many times do I have to tell you, it isn't signor. It's
pronounced dude. Dude, Where's My Whip??' (© George
Lucas enterprises esq, junior, III)
That
my friend will be the catchphrase of a new millennium,"
Lucas says to me with a huge smile on his face.
I
stare at him, unable to believe the words coming out of
his mouth. Before I can say anything Lucas continues.
"Well before you know it, Young Indy
and Paco del Beaner go on a monumental journey searching
for the legendary whip. Their adventure isn't going that
well so far because Paco likes to sleep and Indy keeps
having to wake him up and make sure he carries all of
the wrinkled old bags (we are negotiating with Demi
Moore to play one of them, but we all know how real life
couples screw up box office revenues).
"For
the first hour or so of the movie, nothing really
happens. I saw the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I know
a great marketing tool when I see it. The longer the
film, the more money it makes, so with that in mind,
Indy and young Beaner travel from country to country
looking for the whip and finding themselves in many long
and detailed judiciary committees solving many of the
world's problems, or making them worse, I don't know I
haven't really figured that part out yet.
Anyway, they finally get some
information about the whereabouts of the whip and they
go into space! Yeah, that's right. So they go into space
right, and then they reach the bad guy, he will be
dressed in an all black scuba suit and breathes through
a respirator like Christopher Reeve did (damn this is
good! Dude, where's my pen, I gotta write some of this
down). He'll be called Dark Van Vader or something like
that, and will be surrounded by creatures that resemble
snakes, but are furry and have big anime sized eyes.
I'll call them snewoks. This will allow young Indy to
quip his famous line, "I hate snewocks, but they're so
cute and cuddly, I think I want to buy one!" It turns
out Dark Van Vader does have the whip, and Young Indy
recovers it somehow. I'm not sure what, but I'll just
shoot them running in front of a green screen and fill
in the rest later. But before Young Indy can escape the
space station, Dark reveals the most groundbreaking
secret of ALL TIME! Get this: Dark is Beaner's
illegitimate father! Oh yeah! Dark will then take an
escape pod and fly away somewhere. This will set up the
sequel to this movie: 'Dude, Where's My Daddy', where
Beaner will go in search of his father as he wanders
planets and the globe sitting in on government council
meetings, and cuts lawn. It's the sequel that will
guarantee that I can buy another solid gold wife."
I stare at Lucas as the sweat pours down
his face. He reaches into his pocket and blots it off
with a $500 bill, and then throws it in the trash. I
don't know what to say, but I know what I'm thinking:
This is the greatest movie ever.
