DREAM MATCH: HBK VS. JESUS!:
With the
historic first ever teaming of Shawn Michaels and GOD
pending for Backlash 2006, there's been much talk as to
what we can expect from our Lord at the pay-per-view; or
even which member of The world's first "Triple threat"
(The Holy Trinity) will even show up that night for
action.
However, as historic a match as
that should be, it got me to wondering; Just WHAT would
happen if Shawn Michaels were to one day step into the
ring AGAINST the almighty?
You see, many of HBK's most ardent
supporters will claim that as far as they're concerned,
once the bell rings, Michaels could very well walk on
water; however, I ask this: Just how well would The
Heartbreak Kid fare against a man who actually
could?
I mean, there is no doubt that HBK
is one of the most resilient superstars in wrestling
history, and has defeated some of the industry's top
names; but, just how would he match up against his own
personal inspiration...our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ?! Well, let us find out now as the Heart Break
Kid does battle with The King of Kings! (not Triple H.
Who no doubt has some 'splainin' to do once he crosses
over...)
Here's how it'll work: We'll break
down the "superstars" in question logically, and try to
fairly decipher who would prevail based on experience,
athleticism and a little 3rd party inspiration we'll
call DIVINE INTERVENTION...the historic first ever
teaming of Shawn Michaels and GOD pending for Backlash
2006, there's been much talk as to what we can expect
from our Lord at the pay-per-view; or even which member
of The world's first "Triple threat" (The Holy Trinity)
will even show up that night for
action.
However, as historic a match as
that should be, it got me to wondering; Just WHAT would
happen if Shawn Michaels were to one day step into the
ring AGAINST the almighty?
You see, many of HBK's most ardent
supporters will claim that as far as they're concerned,
once the bell rings, Michaels could very well walk on
water; however, I ask this: Just how well would The
Heartbreak Kid fare against a man who actually
could?
I mean, there is no doubt that HBK
is one of the most resilient superstars in wrestling
history, and has defeated some of the industry's top
names; but, just how would he match up against his own
personal inspiration...our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ?! Well, let us find out now as the Heart Break
Kid does battle with The King of Kings! (not Triple H.
Who no doubt has some 'splainin' to do once he crosses
over...)
Here's how it'll work: We'll break
down the "superstars" in question logically, and try to
fairly decipher who would prevail based on experience,
athleticism and a little 3rd party inspiration we'll
call DIVINE INTERVENTION...
Let's get it on!
:
Tale O' the
Tape:
Height:
Weight:
HBK: 227 lbs;
6'1";
Jesus: ???
???
Experience:
HBK: 20
years;
Jesus: 2039
years;
Allies:
HBK: The
Kliq;
Jesus: The
Disciples;
Last Title
held:
HBK: World Title (Nov. 17
2002-December 15 2002;)
Jesus: Savior of Humanity:
33 B.C.-present;
Accomplishments and
other
notes:
-Jesus: Carried a heavy
wooden cross on his back through
town;
-HBK: Carried a heavy
wooden Psycho Sid...to a credible
match;
-Jesus: Moved a mysterious
one ton boulder;
-HBK: Mysteriously managed
to get out of jobbing to 450 pound Vader...who's from
Boulder, Colorado;
-Jesus: Turned water into
wine;
-HBK: (along with Scott
Hall): Turned wine into...urine?
Jesus: Turned the other
cheek;
HBK: Exposed cheeks, both
of them...frequently;
-Jesus: Revealed he is
the “way” to escape going to Hell.
-HBK:Revealed
a way to escape Hell…in a
Cell, 1997.
-Jesus: Said "he
who is without sin, cast the first stone."
-HBK: Got
stoned... on GHB with Marty
Jannetty....
-Jesus:
Turned
over the money lenders tables in the Temple.
-HBK:
Goes through tables…on
every ppv...
Jesus: Will deliver humanity
at Armageddon;
HBK: Surprisingly didn't
deliver at Armageddon.....2003...on
Pay-per-view;
Jesus: Preached on the mount
of olives.
HBK: Mounted...well, just
about anything with a pulse in the
90's...
Jesus: Betrayed by Judas for
30 pieces of silver;
HBK: Betrayed by HHH...
and had about 30 matches in the last two
years....
The Probable Outcome:
Due to Jesus' pacifist nature, this
would no doubt be a scientific encounter. And while HBK
would obviously be overwhelmed by the spiritual Jesus,
he may fare a bit better against the physical
Jesus.
Jesus, however, discounting the
powers of the Father, would still bring a lot to the
table and not just baskets of fish. You see, Jesus would
likely be surprisingly strong, mostly due to his
carpentry experience under the tutelage of his father
Joseph. Also, The Christ's cardio-vascular conditioning
would also be top notch from the countless hours of bare
foot walking from town to
town.
HBK
is known for his agility, but Jesus was no slouch in
this department either. You just don't WALK ON WATER
without uncanny timing and athleticism. Also,as we know,
HBK is no stranger to getting aerial in a bout, but
let's not forget that Jesus ASCENDED TO HEAVEN. And this
was from a standing position, mind you, so I'd think
Jesus would have no problem going upstairs if the
situation called for it....
And finally, as tough as Michaels
is, and he is tough, I don't think we need to sell you
on Jesus' recuperative
powers...
Our official pick: I think in this
particular case, HBK would indeed have to do the job. I
mean, if you won't put over the offspring of the
heavenly creator, just whom would you put over? And
let's be frank, You think Vince is protective of his
family's spot on the card? Well, here's one "father" I
don't think you'd want to want to get on the bad side
of.
Anyway, based on the facts
presented, I sincerely believe that Jesus would OWN
Shawn Michaels, overwhelming him with an offense not
seen of this world (literally). And the best part? if
HBK was unfortunately injured trying to keep up with the
son of God, our Lord could easily heal him on the spot!
What a magnanimous athlete!
Winner: Jesus....and us all.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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