V11(ahhhhh) – "Dazed and
Confused"
Like a drunken uncle who only calls
when he wants money, welcome to the latest edition of
DONE!
That’s right, it’s been about
five weeks since my last update, and many thanks to
those who crammed my inbox with countless emails. Sure,
they’re all ads for Viagra and links to the latest
celebrity sex tapes, but that’s as close as I get to
contact with the outside world these days, so I’ll take
those as supportive memos
nevertheless.
Seriously though, the delay was
mostly due to work (as in the place that actually
pays me
*cough*Carlessisacheapbastard*cough*) kicking my ass
over the past few weeks. But it has given me the
opportunity to come up with more ideas for your
favourite TWF column.
But after Catherine rejected my
ideas for “Deadface Walking”, I was left with little
time to write my column,
which I naturally squandered watching the latest Steven
Segal box set
back-to-back.
So here’s what I got.
I’ve always been curious about
what wrestlers did before they became famous. Scotty 2
Hotty once worked as a banker. Big Show was a car
salesman. Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake was a train
conductor… oh wait, that was after he was
famous. Ah fuckit, you get the
idea.
Anyway, I decided to go back
even further by pondering what WWE superstars were like
back in high-school. That left me open to a plethora of
brilliant titles: The Breakfast Club, Fast
Times at Ridgemont High, American Graffiti,
Principal Dildo and
the
Ditsy
Chicks…
(phone
rings)
Hello…? (pause) What do you mean
that last one was no good? (pause) It’s set in a
high-school isn’t it? (pause) I don’t care… what’s that?
(pause) Yeah. (pause) You’ve seen it haven’t you?
(pause) So you know it’s a great film. (pause) Yeah, the
scene with the typewriter… (pause) I know. (pause) Yeah,
yeah, I know. So I can leave it in? (pause) Perfect.
Thanks Ma.
(hangs
up)
Anyway, I’ve decided to go with
is Dazed and
Confused
(insert RVD joke
here). This absolute gem from 1993 (and is still Richard
Linklater’s best film) surrounds the last day of high
school in a small Texan town in 1976. We’re treated to a
bunch of stories, but two main characters emerge.
There’s Randall “Pink” Floyd, the school’s star
quarterback who’s having a crisis of conscience, and
incoming freshman Mitch Kramer who goes from hapless to
hero in one night.
It’s 1:05pm on May 28, 1976 – the
last day of classes atRobert E. Lee High
School. David
Batista, the school’s star quarterback, is walking
through the halls until he runs into classmate Robert
Szatkowski (RVD) who, as always, is absolutely
ripped.
BATISTA: Szatkowski
san!
RVD: (slurred) Hey man. What time is
the party
tonight?
BATISTA:
9:30.
RVD: (giggling uncontrollably)
Alright, I’ll be there man. But I got a close bind this
afternoon on some business, if you know what I’m talking
about.
BATISTA:
Weed?
RVD: Naw man, a teacher’s making me
take this stupid dance class. He says I have “educated
feet”, whatever that means. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve
ever heard.
BATISTA: OK, see
ya.
RVD: (walking away) Oh man, I am so
fucking wasted.
A little while later Batista is
in class until fellow jock Paul Levesque (HHH) comes
along to drop something off to
him.
HHH: (handing a paper to Batista)
Coach gave me something to give to
you.
BATISTA: (reading the paper)
(annoyed) They’re really going through with this
“wellness policy”?
HHH: Yeah, he wants your signature
by the end of the
day.
BATISTA: And everybody’s signing
it?
HHH: Just to get him off our backs.
Coach is just being a big fucking asshole. You just sign
it and you never think about it again, just let it
go.
BATISTA: (seething) Man, he is
giving me fewer options than Cyber
Sunday.
HHH: You’re gonna make a big deal
out of this, aren’t you? Just like when he wanted us to
play basketball as a warm-up back in
March?
BATISTA: (intensely) He just
doesn’t understand, Paul! Basketballs don’t hold
grudges! Basketballs don’t want to knock your
teeth down your throat! (yelling) AND HE ISN’T GOING TO
ASK A BASKETBALL TO SIGN SOME STUPID CONTRACT!
Batista hurls the paper with all his
might to the ground, but it floats in mid air for a few
seconds before landing neatly at his feet. As his rage
subsides he looks up to see his classmates staring at
him, puzzled rather than
intimidated.
NITRO: Man, that guy can’t cut a
promo to save himself.
Obviously distressed by the
news he’s just received, Batista approaches some of his
book-smart classmates – Lance Evers (Lance Storm), Chris
Nowinski and Nora Greenwald (Molly Holly) – for
advice.
LANCE: Alright, this is totally
amazing. (reading from the paper) “The wellness policy
states that teammates cannot indulge in any alcohol or
drugs or engage in any other illegal activity that may
jeopardise the years of hard work they committed to a
championship season in
’76.”
CHRIS: You guys are actually signing
this crap?
BATISTA:
Apparently.
MOLLY: What’s next? Contracts
for what you wear in
public?
(long uncomfortable
pause)
LANCE: I had no idea drugs and
alcohol were such a big problem that they had to resort
to
Neo-McCarthyism.
BATISTA: Yeah, next thing we know
they’ll issue another Waldorf Statement saying they
won’t knowingly take on players that advocate the
overthrow of sport department
policy.
(ALL stare at
BATISTA)
BATISTA: (nervously) …uh, I mean, MY
BITCH OF AN EX-WIFE NEVER VACCUMED AROUND HER I.V DRIP!
A while later HHH and another
jock, Michael Hickenbottom (Shawn Michaels), collect
Batista to take part in an annual summer tradition.
Every year the seniors wait outside the junior high
school on the last day of class for the incoming
freshmen to leave. It is here they are given two options
– either be subjected to a humiliating hazing ritual
where the seniors spank them unmercifully with paddles,
or attend a talk by Bruno Sammartino about how wrestling
will always remain family friendly.
Most pick the
former.
The trio pull up outside the junior
high school in Michaels’ pick-up, which is equipped with
a PA system to alert the students of their
arrival.
MICHAELS: (into the PA system) OK
all you freshman fucks, listen up! It’s your lucky day.
Usually you’d be spending your freshman summer getting
your asses busted and running for your worthless little
lives. But this year, because we feel so sorry for you,
we’re gonna take it easy and save a lot of time. If you
meet here after school today, you only get one lick from
each of us. But if you run like cowards, well, it’s open
season all summer long.
(HHH taps MICHAELS on the shoulder
and whispers something in his ear)
MICHAELS: (into the PA system)
Oh yeah, and if you don’t sell any of our licks, you can
rest assured we will blackball your asses into
Wrestlemania 5000! Oscar Gutierrez, we’re looking for
you pal. You think you can
upstage us with your colourful clothes and impressive
acrobatics? Your ass will be purple before the day is
over. Have a nice
afternoon.
Oscar Gutierrez (Rey Mysterio) was
part of a gang the seniors referred to as “the
Cruiserweights”, a group of incoming freshmen who were
just as athletic as the seniors, but are always picked
on because of their small stature. Their high-flying
agility and quickness has managed to get them out of a
lot of trouble in the past, but the seniors insist they
are “not marketable” and they still have a long way to
go before they “pay their
dues”.
In one of the classrooms,
Mysterio sits nervously at his desk where his two
friends James Yun (Jimmy Wang Yang) and Paul London
start to poke fun at
him.
LONDON: You better leave town, man.
Go spend the summer with your grandparents or
something.
YANG: You are gonna show up to our game
tonight, aren’t
you?
REY: Yeah, I’m pitching, I kinda
have to.
LONDON: How should we inscribe your
tombstone?
YANG: How about “Booyakah! Booyakah!
Six feet
under”?
Michaels, HHH and Batista
arrive back at school to finish the rest of their
classes. As they walk back towards the building they see
their coach: Coach... Coachman.
While they try to pass without him
noticing them, Coach yells out to Batista from a few
feet away.
COACH: Dave
Batista!
BATISTA: (mumbling) Shit. (turns
around)
COACH: Before next fall, you are in
serious need of an attitude adjustment, young man. You
better get your priorities straight. And watch out with
that other crowd you’re running with, don’t think I
haven’t noticed.
BATISTA: I don’t run with anybody.
(screeching) I WALK ALOOOOOOOOOONE,
YEAAAAH!
COACH: Sure you do. I want that
piece of paper on my desk before you leave here today.
Do you hear me, or do I have to get my ACME detonator?
As they walk away they’re
interrupted once again, this time by the sound of a car
screeching towards them. The driver is John Layfield, an
obnoxious, racist, loudmouth jock who has repeated his
last years of high school more than once. Last year he
handed in a paper called “Make More Money Now”, which
introduced a fiscal policy that would make the guys at
Enron plotz.
Oh wait, that didn’t happen in 1976… neither
did a bunch of other stuff I’ve mentioned so far. Ah
fuckit, if Pearl
Harbor can do it, so can I.
Anyway, the only thing Layfield
loves more than the sound of his own voice is to pound
ass with his paddle… and sometimes without it, but
that’s not gay in any way whatsoever.
LAYFIELD: (getting out of the car)
You guys ready to bust some ass? Call yo mamma! It's on
like a pot o' neck bone. I smell like smoke because I
have been through fire! I am a true American hero! A
WRESTLING GOD! Oh yeah, Michaels, we gotta take your
truck, I’m low on
gas.
MICHAEL: (laughs) If only there
was someone who could pay you to be an asshole, you’d be
on easy
street.
Meanwhile back at the junior high
school, the Cruiserweights are talking about the party
being organised for later that
night.
LONDON: Hey, at the party
tonight, I heard there’s gonna be a girl with knockers
this
big!
YANG:
Bullshit.
LONDON: I swear! Two handfuls! They
say her name is Big
Vis.
The guys then notice their
friend, James Maritato (Nunzio) signalling to them from
the doorway. He dangles a set of keys to let them know
he managed to borrow his brother’s car, and they had a
way out of school without getting paddled. But they had
to convince their teacher to let them out
early.
REY: Uhhh, Mr Striker, sir. You
know, every second that you could let us out early would
really increase our chances of survival.
STRIKER: (smiles) Boys, if there’s
one thing that you have to remember, it’s that you must
do things on your own. I mean, if I was to send you out
there with a massively obese wrestler for example, it
would be like putting a band-aid on the problem rather
than addressing the real issue, wouldn’t
it?
LONDON: Yeah, I guess it would be
pretty stupid, especially if it kept going after it
didn’t really catch on.
STRIKER: Exactly. Now run
along.
The home bell finally sounds and
both the junior and senior high schools are dismissed
for the summer. As promised, the seniors surround the
junior campus waiting to give several paddlings. The
Cruiserweights make it to their waiting car unscathed,
but Michaels’ pick-up truck pulls up right beside them
with Michaels, JBL and HHH all inside. The
Cruiserweights floor it and the seniors give chase. Both
cars race down the side-streets avoiding slightly less
accidents than Psicosis.
London and Rey decide to make a
run for it. But as soon as they jump out of their car,
JBL is hot on their tail and catches them outside a
suburban
home.
JBL: (grabbing REY and LONDON)
Nice try, Cruiserweights. Y’know, this feels a bit
weird, not being in a shower-block and all. So I’ll tell
you what. For being such brave little kids I’m only
gonna give each of you five
licks.
Suddenly the front door of the house
flies open to reveal Rob Feinstein brandishing a
shotgun.
FEINSTEIN: (to JBL) I don’t
think so, creep. Get off my property. (to REY and
LONDON) (licking his lips) You two, get in the
house.
(long uncomfortable
pause)
REY: Uhhh, actually, I think I’ll go
with the
paddling.
LONDON:
Ditto.
JBL: Jesus! I thought I was fucked
up!
(ALL run
off)
FEINSTEIN: (under his breath) Git
your fat asses back
here!
While the freshmen boys were
getting chased and paddled, their female counterparts
were copping equally humiliating treatment. The senior
girls, who everyone dubbed “the Divas” (which was once a
term for women of rare, outstanding talent rather than
strip-club rejects) were putting the freshmen girls
through their paces by smothering them in ketchup,
mustard, oatmeal, flour, eggs and whipped cream. It was
known as “the Diva Search”, which culminates with the
juniors trying to seduce an exchange student from
Uganda.
The male seniors sit and watch as
the “Divas” put the juniors on leashes and lead them
around the playground. “Diva” Torrie Wilson then leads
one of the juniors, Ashley Masaro, over to HHH and
RVD.
TORRIE: (to ASHLEY) Propose to Mr
Levesque.
(ASHLEY gets on her
knees)
RVD: There’s a position you’re gonna
have to get used
to.
ASHLEY: (sheepishly) Will you marry
me?
HHH: (coyly) I don’t know, what’s in
it for me?
ASHLEY: Anything you
want.
HHH: OK, you’re gonna have to gain
at least another 100 pounds, turn your shrill voice into
a baritone and give me 50 per cent of your empire when
your father croaks.
RVD: (laughing) Yeah, and a
main-event spot for me!
HHH then lands a pedigree on RVD and
pins him clean.
A few hours later the seniors gather
at the local park where the incoming freshmen are
playing little league baseball. HHH, Michaels and JBL
wait in the stands with their paddles, paying particular
attention to Mysterio. As the game wraps up Rey tries to
sneak out the back of the field, but is intercepted by
the seniors.
They bend Mysterio over the side of
a car and start taking turns hitting him. Michaels was
first, swatting Mysterio’s rear end like his “lost
smile” was in there somewhere trying to escape. Next was
HHH, who as usual opted to use his trusty sledgehammer
instead of a paddle. Finally was JBL who, at the site of
Mysterio presenting his ass to him, had to work out a
certain technique where he could strike him without
getting in the way of his own massive erection.
JR: My God King! WILL SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
ENOUGH’S ENOUGH! THOSE DAMN SENIORS ARE ENJOYING, LOOK,
THEY’RE ENJOYING THIS
HUMILIATING THREE-ON-ONE BEATING. THAT POOR,
DEFENCELESS…
KING: Yeah yeah yeah, listen, can we
go and see those girls in the oatmeal
again?
As Batista arrives, the seniors
finish their “government mule” session with Rey. As
Michaels, HHH and JBL leave they tell Batista to meet
them at the local pool hall before the party.
As Batista watched Mysterio riving
in pain he couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, so he
drives him
home.
(BATISTA pulls up to the
curb)
REY: Thanks,
man.
BATISTA: Hey listen, me and some of
the other guys are probably gonna end up driving around.
Want us to stop by and pick you
up?
REY: You think that’s a good
idea?
BATISTA: Well, unless you want to
ride with Feinstein down the
str…
REY: OK I’ll
go.
Meanwhile at the other side of town,
Yang, London and Nunzio walk through the darkened
streets on their way back from their school social,
bragging about their triumphant transition from juniors
to freshmen.
NUNZIO: Man, that was our last
junior high
party.
LONDON: That’s right, we’re in the
big time now. We’re freshmen, and we’re finally gonna
get the respect we deserve. Our days of jerking the
curtain while the seniors have all the fun are
over.
As if on cue, the seniors pull up in
their car and race after the Cruiserweights. Michaels,
HHH and JBL chase down Nunzio and start paddling the
living piss out of him as Yang and London watch from a
distance. Evidently, nothing has changed. But it will
someday… someday.
After finishing up with Nunzio, the
senior trio head for the Emporium pool hall where they
meet up with Batista and Rey, along with their old
friend Ric Flair. Although he had graduated from high
school several years before, Flair was still very much a
regular with the seniors. This can best be described as
a desperate attempt to hang on to his former glory days
as the youthful “Nature Boy”, but the only thing he
managed to maintain was his lisp.
HHH: Neich! I haven’t seen you for
so long man!
FLAIR: Hey there, champ! Wooooo!
Long time no
thee.
HHH: What you been up
to?
FLAIR: The thame old, man. Working
for the thity. Been thinking about going back to thchool
though. That’th where all the girlth are at, right?
Woooo!
BATISTA: That’s
right.
FLAIR: But I may jutht keep working,
keep a little change in my pocket rather that lithen to
some dipshit who dothen’t know what he’th talking about
anyway. Wooo! (to REY) You’re a freshman,
right?
REY:
Yeah?
FLAIR: Tho how’th thith year’th crop
of freshman chickth lookin’? (laughs)
Woooo!
REY: (puzzled) (to BATISTA) What did
he say?
FLAIR: (turning on his nutty Ric
Flair demeanour) Man, that’th what I love about theth
high-thchool girlth. They jutht
love… WOOOO… to ride Thpace Mountain babay! It may be
the oldetht ride in the park, WOOOO… but it thtill hath
the longetht
line!
After several minutes of every
person within a mile radius wooing along with Flair (who
for some reason ends up rolling on the ground
convulsing), the seniors send Rey for a beer run. After
buying a six pack he sees the rest of the
Cruiserweights.
REY: Man, you guys owe me
one.
LONDON: (laughs) Yeah, they busted
the hell out of Maritato
too.
YANG: You’re over at the
Emporium?
REY:
Yeah.
NUNZIO: Is that cazzo Layfield over
there?
REY: (rolls his eyes) Yes. I hate
that jerk.
NUNZIO: That ignorant fuck called
me a Maltese falcon. I’m fucking
Italian!
YANG: So? I’m Korean and he thought
I was Japanese!
LONDON: Well I’m Hispanic and he’s
never given shit to
me.
ALL: You’re Hispanic?
It was with that valuable bit of
information that the Cruiserweights come up with a plan
to finally get some payback from JBL. It would start
with Rey having to approach him back at the
Emporium.
REY: Hey
Layfield.
JBL: What do you want, jumping
bean?
REY: (laughs) Jumping bean, that’s
hilarious! Really original too. (wipes tear from his
eye) Hey listen, you know who else is Hispanic? That guy
you almost paddled today, Paul
London.
JBL: (eyes widening) He’s
Hispanic?
REY: Yeah, and some of the other
seniors managed to catch him outside.
JBL immediately runs to his car to
get his paddle and sees a few other seniors across the
street with London
cornered.
JBL: (to the other seniors) Whoa!
Hold on there boys! You don’t mind if I go first, do ya?
It’s kind of a personal thing between me and this little
border-jumper over
here.
LONDON: I was born in
Texas.
JBL: Shut your mouth! Say, have you
had any licks
yet?
LONDON:
No.
JBL: (trying to maintain his
erection) Another cherry here boys!
JBL pushes London to face the side
of a building, setting him up for the paddling of a
lifetime. But JBL suddenly feels a splash on his
shoulder. He looks up to see the remaining
Cruiserweights on the building’s rooftop holding a can
of white paint. As London makes a run for it, they dump
the paint all over JBL.
CRUISERWEIGHTS: It’s alright, cuz
it’s all white!
YANG: You racist
fuck!
The Cruiserweights immediately run
off to their waiting car, leaving JBL looking like the
set of a bad Gangrel porno. Across the street everyone
laughs, especially HHH and
Michaels.
MICHAELS: Man, that was
awesome!
HHH: Yeah, if only it was green
paint and JBL was a group of young up-and-comers we
could make fools out of! That would have been
hilarious!
Defeated, embarrassed and blind
with rage, JBL leaves. But he vows to not rest until he
gets the last laugh over Mysterio… even if it retires
him.
The rest of the seniors decide it’s
finally time to head out to the woods for that party
everyone’s been talking about. Hours later the forest is
crawling with drunken and stoned teens, including RVD
and his pot-smoking
cronies.
RVD: (puffing away on a joint) I’m
telling you, Vincent Kennedy McMahon tokes weed, man. He
grows fields of that stuff. I mean Saba Simba, Red
Rooster, the Buddy Rose Blowaway Diet? How can he think
that shit would actually get over? He smoked weed,
that’s why. His wife harvests all the bushels
and…
STONER #1: Uhhh, you know, it is 1976. I don’t think any of
those storylines you mentioned have happened
yet.
(long uncomfortable
pause)
RVD: (freaking out) Oh my God! WE CAN SEE THE
FUTURE!
Meanwhile, Michaels takes Batista
aside to talk to him, fearing he may be starting to wane
from the pack ever since the whole “wellness policy”
controversy.
MICHAELS: Why don’t you wanna sign
the pledge?
BATISTA: I don’t know, man. Maybe
I’m not into any of it
anymore.
MICHAELS: Not into any of it? Don’t
make the biggest mistake of your life, man. No-one quits
senior year. This is what we’ve been working for our
whole lives.
BATISTA: All I’m saying is if I’m
gonna play it’s gonna be on my terms, not
theirs.
MICHAELS: You don’t understand,
Dave. Being part of a team, a special group, a clique, the world is at your
feet. You don’t have to take any crap from anybody.
(pause)
MICHAELS: (rubbing his mouth)
(mumbling) Just don’t upstage
me.
BATISTA: Huh?
MICHAELS: Nothing, man, nothing.
(rubbing his mouth) (mumbling) Don’t steal my thunder,
motherfucker.
BATISTA:
What?
MICHAELS: I didn’t say anything.
(rubbing his mouth) (mumbling) Stay off my perch, you
prick.
BATISTA: Man, fuck this.
As the party winds up, Batista,
HHH, RVD and Flair decide to head for the high school
football field to smoke weed. As they lay on the 50 yard
line baked out of their brains, Flair goes back to the
car to get some more papers. But he returns with an
interesting find.
FLAIR: (reading from the pledge)
“The wellness policy states that teammates cannot
indulge in any alcohol or drugs or engage in any other
illegal activity…” (laughs) I found that in the glove
compartment.
BATISTA: (taking the sheet) Y’know
you’re the third person to give this to me
today
FLAIR: Tho what are you gonna
do?
BATISTA: I don’t know man, I’ll
probably end up signing it. I just don’t want to give in
so easily.
FLAIR: Man, ith the thame bullshit
they tried to pull in my day. If it’th not that paper,
therth thome other choith they’re gonna try and make for
you. You gotta do what David Batithta… WOOOOO… wanth to
do. The older you get, the more ruleth they’re gonna try
to make you follow. You jutht gotta keep livin’, man.
RVD: If you’re gonna sign that
paper, throw some grass in the middle, roll it up, sign
the joint, man, that’ll tell ‘em. That’s how I sign my
contracts.
HHH: But you gotta think, man,
we’ve had a lot of really good times
here.
BATISTA: All I’m saying is that if
I ever start referring to these as the best years of my
life, remind me to kill myself.
HHH: Well, all I’m saying is I just wanna look
back and say that I did it the best I could while I was
stuck in this place. I had as much fun as I could when I
was stuck in this place. Buried as many midcarders as I
could while I was stuck in this place. (rubbing his
mouth) (mumbling) Just don’t upstage
me.
BATISTA:
What?
Their conversation is suddenly
interrupted by a squad car pulling up nearby. The
officers order the group to come over and line up.
Having been in this situation countless times, RVD
automatically counsels everyone on their rights as they
approach the waiting
policemen.
The police call Coach to come to
the field and talk to Batista and HHH. It’s dawn by the
time he arrives.
COACH: Levesque! Batista! Get your
scrawny butts over
here!
HHH: Mornin’
Coach.
COACH: What the hell is going on?
Why am I getting wakeup calls from the
cops?
BATISTA: False alarm, Coach, they
just left.
COACH: Batista, have you been
hanging out with those losers all
night?
RVD: (waving) Hey, Coach! Remember
me?
COACH: Yeah, the stoner who keeps
pointing at himself. (to BATISTA) That’s the kind of
people I was telling you about. Trouble like this means
nothing to that bunch of clowns, you’re the one with something
to lose.
BATISTA: Coach, you don’t even know
them.
COACH: I don’t need to know them. I’m Johnathan Coachman, and if
there is anyone who has a flawless record at picking
good character, it’s me. Now I want you to get your
priorities straight, stop hanging out with a bunch of
hoodlums, and sign your wellness policy agreement. Have
you done that
yet?
BATISTA: I’m still thinking about
it.
COACH: (seething) No-one’s paying
you to think about it! Just do it,
son!
BATISTA: (calmly) You know what,
Coach? I might play ball… but I will never sign that.
Batista throws the contract into
Coach’s truck and walks away. An outraged Coach then
drives off as RVD and Flair congratulate Batista on his
decision. HHH acts solemnly in front of Batista, but
inside he’s doing cartwheels at how he now has less of a
chance of being
upstaged.
Batista ended up being dropped from
the team because of his act of defiance. But while a lot
of people respected him for taking a stand, they later
found out his decision to do so was a lot less inspiring
than first thought. While people thought he was
maintaining his youthful optimism and freedom, rumour
has it that Dave had been pumping himself with growth
hormones to build on his skinny physique, and if he
signed the contract it would have given them cause to
test him.
After these allegations appeared in
a magazine, Batista tried to prove his innocence by
going to court… because clearly that means he has
nothing to hide.
THE
END
Credits.
