THE VON ERICH RATING
SYSTEM
I
hate the damn star system. I've used them when filing
reports for the sheets, but I hate them. They're a pain
in the ass. Let's say that you use match reviews in
wrestling newsletters to decide which PPV matches you
want to track down (which I have done). If a match is
****1/4 instead of ****1/2 stars, does that make you
want to see it any less? Me neither. From negative stars
to *****+, there are about 16 different ratings you can
give a match, and that's not even counting stuff like
"NR" (no-rating/non-ratable). IMHO, that's just too damn
many ratings, especially when I find that my appraisal
of any given wrestling match usually falls into three
categories: "good," "bad," or "okay, but nothing
special." I wanted an easier way to rate matches,
without sacrificing the six major levels of match
quality (Match-Of-The-Year candidate, excellent, good,
okay-but-nothing-special, bad, and completely insulting
to me as a fan). Back in 1997, I first developed a
primitive version of the Von Erich system that rated
wrestling matches on a scale of dead Von Erichs. Each
wrestling match is assigned a Von Erich rating. The
better the match, the more over the Von Erich was in his
heyday. That's right, dead Von
Erichs. Von Erichs that have ceased to be. If you want
to think of my VE system as a touching memorial tribute,
that's fine. If you want to think of it as a heartless
gag, that's fine, too. This will likely upset the
thin-skinned out there, but that's a risk I'm willing to
take. Bottom line: This is my rant and, and this is my
match-rating system. If it upsets you, feel free to file
a complaint with the webmaster of this site. We welcome
your feedback and you can access our complaint
department by holding the ALT key and pressing F4.
Don't laugh, idiots will
actually fall for that. Do you really think all the Von
Erich drug problems and suicides are a coincidence? Me
neither. I could go into a long-winded rant about how
Fritz Von Erich is a sick bastard for shoving the
limelight down his kids' throats until they all choked
to death on it (sans kevin), but I won't. You get the
point. Anyway, here's the breakdown of my VE system,
associating my ratings with what they'd translate to on
that damn star system. Learn it, use it, love it:
(FRITZ) = Near-perfect to
MOTY (Match Of The Year) candidate (**** to *****+).
This is the top honor. In
his heyday, Fritz was one of the most over heels in the
country as an evil German guy. Fritz then carved out his
true legacy as an evil Texas guy who pushed his sons
into early graves, but I digress.
A (FRITZ) is the highest
rating a match can achieve, and (FRITZ) matches are
career-makers that fans talk about for years. A (FRITZ)
match is something you'd show a non-fan in an attempt to
convert them. A (FRITZ) match is why you're a wrestling
fan. A (FRITZ) rating is always spelled out in all caps
as a respectful tribute to the efforts of those
involved. And if you can read this paragraph out loud
with a straight face, you're one up on me.
(Kerry) = Very good to
excellent match (*** to ****).
When I designed the system,
there was some discussion among the insiders I pal
around with as to whether Kerry was more over than
David. The problem most people had (and I wish Vince
McMahon suffered from this) was that they confused
"better worker" with "most over." The debate led to an
amusing exchange between myself and a friend of mine.
My friend: "David was even
a star in Japan. Kerry never could've survived in
Japan."
Me: "Actually, David didn't
survive Japan either."
While there's no doubt in
my mind that David was the best pure worker out of all
the Von Erich boys, when Kerry pinned Ric Flair in Texas
Stadium to win the NWA World title in 1984, he reached a
career peak of "over" that 99.9% of pro wrestlers can
only dream of. Kerry was also the Von Erich boy with the
most and best international exposure, thanks to a brief
WWF fling in the 90s, highlighted with an IC title win
over Curt Hennig at SummerSlam 90. (As for where kevin
fits in with the grand scheme of things, I'll get to him
later.)
A (Kerry) rating is for
those show-stealing, expectation-surpassing matches that
you want to watch again as soon as they're over. Just
short of a (FRITZ), a (Kerry) match is something you
want as part of your video library.
(David) = Okay to good
match (** to ***).
A (David) rating means a
match is fine in its own right, good for what it was,
accomplished what it needed to (such as advancing a
storyline, or getting a character over), but it's not
necessarily something you'd want to ever see again.
Nothing so extraordinary that it made you say "wow" or
made you sit up and notice who is wrestling. But in the
same vein, a (David) match doesn't have any noticeable
screw-ups or blown spots either.
(Mike) = Neither bad nor
good, it's just kinda there (* to **).
Filler matches. Matches
that don't really accomplish anything (furthering
storylines, building characters, etc). No room for
discussion here. Mike was easily the least athletically
gifted and least-over of all the full-sized Von Erichs
to compete in the squared circle, and if the real Mike
ever actually wrestled a (Mike) match, he was
undoubtedly carried.
(Chris) = Worthless match
(DUD).
A waste of time and tape,
just as Fritz's Mini-Me, Chris Von Erich, was the least
over of all Von Erichs to step in the ring. A (Chris)
match will see things like the wrestlers not clicking
worth a damn, too many spots blown, cred-killing phantom
punches, and so on. Basically, a (Chris) rating goes to
a match with absolutely no redeeming value.
(kevin) = Not just
terrible, but completely insulting to you as a wrestling
fan (negative-stars).
What I said above about the
****1/4 match versus the ****1/2 match goes double for
negative-stars. When you get right down to it, what's
the difference between a -* match and a -**** match?
(And don't say "three negative stars," smartasses. It's
a rhetorical question.) To me, the worst condemnation
you can give a wrestling match is saying that it
actually makes you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan,
hence the negative-stars concept.
It doesn't matter if it's
one negative-star or 100, a turd is a turd is a turd. I
remember Wrestling Observer Newsletter assigning the
Sheik & Volkoff vs. Luke & Butch match at the
Heroes Of Wrestling PPV something like
negative-400-stars-plus (I'm serious). That kind of
proves my point that multiple negative stars are
excessive, redundant and meaningless. Once something's
buried by the "negative-stars" label, it's buried for
good (hey, just like most of the Von Erichs!).
Now then, how to translate
a "negative-stars" rating to my Von Erich system? I'm
glad you asked. In a rare moment of epiphany, it came to
me that if a positive-stars match equals a dead Von
Erich, a negative-stars match should equal a living Von
Erich. As a friend of mine said to me when I explained
this to him, "That's so logical, it's frightening."
Naturally, there aren't a lot of living Von Erichs to
choose from, so kev is the no-brainer choice for the
worst of the worst.and it's a fitting label.
You see, kevin is, and I'm
being kind here, a scumbag. Listen to this story and
tell me if you don't agree. When Kerry died in 1992, a
memorial card was thrown together in Texas, with the
proceeds going to the two daughters Kerry left behind.
The main event was scheduled to be kevin & Chris
Adams vs. Michael Hayes & Buddy Roberts. The
promoter of the show told the boys that he would cover
any other bookings they had for the evening. So the
night of the show rolls around, and kevin goes to the
promoter and holds him up for $2,000, claiming that he
could have made that much at a different show in
Alabama. That's right, kevin HELD UP THE PROMOTER AT A
BENEFIT SHOW FOR HIS OWN NIECES. And he's the one that
lived. If anyone wants to defend kevin for this, do it
somewhere else. I just don't want to hear it. When
discussing him within the context of my VE system
(kevin) the rating and kevin the man are both always
spelled out in lowercase letters to truly hammer home
the fact that I have no respect for the guy and he isn't
even worth holding down a SHIFT key for a fraction of a
second. However, if you take a page from the WWE and
remove the letter "F" from the word "SHIFT," you'll have
a better idea as to what I think of kevin.
Oh, and just in case anyone
is wondering, I would rate kevin between David and Mike
on the grand scale of "over." It's a debatable point,
but a moot one, as now that I finally have my VE system
completed, and I'm not changing it anytime soon. But
we're not done yet.
(Waldo) = Unratable.
As Waldo wasn't really one
of the Von Erich family, a (Waldo) rating is for a match
that isn't really a match. This covers gimmick matches,
novelty matches, and other unratables. A squash match
would be a (Waldo). A match that goes 30 seconds would
be a (Waldo). A T&A match (evening gown, mud pit)
would be a (Waldo). The important thing to remember is
that a (Waldo) must have an official decision, or
basically, fall under the pretense of being an actual
bell-to-bell match.
(Lance) = The match didn't
actually happen.
This doesn't occur often,
but it does happens from time to time. Angles where a
wrestler gets attacked before the bell (or no-shows) and
forfeits the match. Waldo was more over than Lance ever
was, hence their placement in the grand scheme of
things.
And that's the VE
system in all its glorious shame. Obviously, like any
rating system, it's subjective as one man's (Kerry) is
another man's (Chris) and vice versa. Unlike the
inferior star system, the VE system gets easier to use
with time. Give it a try sometime soon. Hey, it might
make that lousy PPV easier to sit through. You have
nothing to lose except your respect for the Von Erichs.
And you're better off without it.
Harry Simon is a
trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro
wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry
has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling
Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and
contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan
Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in
2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color
commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions.
Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which
you can learn about HERE.
