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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/03/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Good day, bitches, and welcome back to the column whose mission is to have John Cena job to it, Deadface Walking! Stepping in this week for Catherine Perez is... CATHERINE PEREZ~! Oh, what? Were you expecting Dave fuckin' Scherer or something? Actually, if anyone should step in for me in my absence, it should be Kevin Nash. Just because. Well, this week is shaping up to be a slow one. My first year of college will be over in less than a week... WOOOOOOOOOO!!! Now I'll have more time to develop jokes that are actually funny for this column. In the meantime... time for some unfunny columnicity (new word!):

Current WWE Vice President Kurt Schneider has recently given notice that he will be leaving his comfy job at WWE. He would prefer to work with the Harlem Globetrotters - and who can blame him? At least their top guys know more than five moves, have more charisma, and have been on some Scooby Doo episodes. Take that, Lashmaga!

Watch out, world, there's a new bad-ass muh'fucka in town, and he's going to be the next TAZZ! "Well, he must be a hell of a wrestler," you say, "Who is it?" I'll tell you! It's WWE plant undeserving hag non-payer of dues object of Hardcore Holly's hatred FAN and Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella! I know, you're let down, hurt, and possibly angered and/or confused. According to the Wrestling Observer newsletter, Marella was originally going to debut as Kurt Angle's protegé, but that must've obviously been scrapped when Angle jumped to TNA and began to descend into a dark abyss of madness that would even have Willy Loman say "what a psycho!" (this is the part where you all try to remember Literature class). Another proposed gimmick for Marella was to be introduced as Anthony "Killer" Karelli, but I guess that was immediately scrapped following a frightening office rampage from Randy Orton, who wishes to be the only "killer" in the business (next to Sonny Siaki and the Great Khali, of course). What about this whole "next Tazz" business? Hey, it was head ECW writer Dave Lagana who said it; I'm just the messenger. Torch his house, old-school ECW fans.

"Superstar" Billy Graham is planning to sue the Phoenix Art Museum for discrimination. He wasn't able to enter the Rembrandt exhibit due to his wheelchair, and while he was offered a different one, Graham didn't like the fact that it didn't suit his disability needs. Superstar is said to have been embarrassed and humiliated by the whole situation. I can't believe Superstar's getting his frilly panties in a twist over this, as if he was missing the event of the century. It's Rembrandt, his stuff's been around forever; Billy can Google the paintings from the comfort of his wheelchair-accessible home! The real problem here is that people are so damn sue-happy these days that they'll sue for anything (*cough*WWE's Legal Department*cough*). "Waaaaaa, waaaaaa! I can't get into the Rembrandt exhibit -- my feelings are hurt, WAAAAAAA!!!" Take off the dress and suck it up, Graham.

Balls Mahoney will be appearing in an episode of Sci-Fi's "Who Wants to be a Superhero?", the show that brought us Fat Momma (whose theme song rules), which will air this summer. That's right, citizens, Balls Mahoney will reveal to the world his secret identity - THE BRONZE PHALLUS! Ew. Viewer discretion is HIGHLY advised. Seriously. I don't think the kids would want to see what the Bronze Phallus is capable of.

The Undertaker and Bobby Lashley both received injuries at WWE's Backlash. That's what happens when you make God job to you, Vince. Two of WWE's top champions are injured, damn it (Undertaker having the more serious injury with a torn bicep tendon)! Lashley's probably not going to miss very much time (if any at all), but Undertaker will be out for quite a while, possibly eight months. With that said, I'm guessing God's a Cena fan... damn.

And now, an update on last week's Sting/Angle report. Obviously, Sting/Angle didn't deliver. I don't mean they sucked a giant ass at wrestling each other, I mean they didn't get to do so much as wrestle for two minutes before there were interferences galore! What kind of ass-backwards, moronic bullshit is that?! "LOLLERSKATES~! LETZ BEWK STEENG VIRSIS KIRT ANGUL, BUTT THEN LETZ HAV DUH MACH ENDE REELEY URLIE~!" Direct quote from Vince Russo? Believe it. TNA needs to cut the bullshit and just have some straight-up matches with a beginning, middle and end. Honestly, I thought I changed the damn channel and missed the whole match, but the only thing that happened was I blinked. Match of the year, my nonexistent balls.

Several rumors have been going around saying that Beth Phoenix will finally be returning to Raw. Luckily for me, I'm a big fan of Beth's, and I'll definitely be looking forward to this. Hell, I might even start watching Raw again. To be quite honest, instead of considering human injury machines like Kevin Nashley Massaro as the face of WWE women's wrestling, give the opportunity to women like Beth. After all, she can press slam two friggin' guys at the same time. What's that? Ashley can do a sloppy headscissors takedown now? Im-fucking-pressive!

Speaking of sloppy, as reported on the Wrestling Observer newsletter, Trevor Murdoch botched a spot - which, I think, would definitely have gotten him over - at the 4/23 Raw show. The finish of his match called for a Canadian Destroyer on Matt Hardy, and, needless to say, fans were treated to a botch, and Hardy was hurt and shaken up (not stirred [/lamest crack ever]). It's safe to say that Murdoch probably won't be trying that move ever again.

Here's a funny little tidbit for TNA fans. Originally reported by F4WOnline.com, Vince McMahon is quite terrified of seeing his wrestlers jump to TNA. That's right, Vince feels threatened by TNA - just not in the way we all hoped. This would probably explain why Randy Orton hasn't been fired for testing out new wrestling moves all over his hotel room. Carlito is jobbing to just about everyone for his comments in that one interview about being left off of Wrestlemania. Rob Van Dam is rejecting every offer WWE's throwing at him, and it's pretty likely he'll end up in TNA when his contract expires this year. I'm betting on Van Dam's TNA debut. I don't need any reason other than his wife was chanting "TNA! TNA!" at December to Dismember. Of course, WWE will be jobbing the hell out of Van Dam to lessen his value amongst TNA and all fans. If being part of Vince's twisted version of ECW doesn't lessen his value, nothing will.

Now for this week's least important news bit! Chris Masters will be getting another push! Dear god, save us. Masters hasn't a damn thing going for him anymore; he jobbed continually to Carlito, his Masterlock has been broken, he's about as small as a figure skater, he's about as over as a rectal wart, and I can't remember a single match he's been in since his debut! To call him a Superstar is a huge overstatement. Of course, it's not his fault. Or perhaps it is. For the sake of having someone to blame, I'm blaming Big Fat Oily Guy. If WWE Creative is so damn creative, why can't they make Masters worth watching? Until I can finally turn to a friend and let "Wow, did you see the Masters match last night?" out of my mouth, Chris Masters can stay the hell off my TV.

That does it for this week's Deadface Walking. Feel free to return to your scheduled program, "Big, Busty Sluts 15: Bigger and Bustier". I'm Catherine Perez, and this column has been brought to you by the letters F and U. Oh, and insomnia. As always, you can send me an e-mail or leave me a message on my much-hated MySpace~! Now go read the rest of the site, as there have been some damn good updates this week.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R .

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).

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