Welcome back to Deadface Walking,
the column that pitched the idea of ass-scented SmackDown Smell-o-Vision to
WWE's [Un]Creative Team. Once again, I am Catherine Perez. In case you missed my
last column, Deadface Walking is TWF's newest column, all about me giving you my
distorted thoughts on the happenings of pro-wrestling. All introductions aside,
as it turns out, my other computer -- a very nice HP desktop with a Pentium IV
processor, Windows 2000 (call me old-fashioned) and 40 gigs of space -- crashed
on me, so I am currently reporting to you from a piece-of-shit HP Vectra VL with
10 gigs and Windows 98 (call me a complete loser)…but I'm sure you all couldn't
care less, so let's get this column started.
For those who
haven't heard or noticed…and ultimately probably didn't care, Joey Mercury was
recently fired, and it seems it was due to another violation of WWE's Talent
Wellness Policy. See, Joey has a bit of a problem with pain killers - or at
least that's what a bunch of respectable, reliable news sites said. When reached
for comment, Mercury retorted, "Addiction?! I DON'T HAVE ANY GAWD DAMNED
ADDICTION! Say, you wouldn't happen to have any Ibuprofen on you, would you?" I
actually enjoy seeing how morally messed up the Wellness Policy is; it's shown
time and time again that when a wrestler isn't in the main event, and is in a
drug-related rut, WWE will always be there to pull out of all association with
him and leave him to fend for himself during a most physically and mentally
crippling time, especially when under the influence of steroid investigations.
Sure, Joey's had many chances, but that's far from the point. Or maybe it's not
and I'm just being a biased twat. Either way, I request that WWE get themselves
a new slogan: "WWE: We care…okay, no we don't, but it's good P.R. if we pretend
to." That'd make a hell of a catchy, toe-tapping jingle. Usually, a second
violation of the policy earns a wrestler a 60-day suspension and a trip to
rehab, but since WWE obviously don't want to associate themselves with undercard
drug users, it's off to the unemployment line -- also known as TNA -- with
While the following isn't wrestling news, I just wanted to tell you
all how glad I am that I didn't witness the mindnumbing debacle that was Melina
vs. Ashley from Wrestlemania. I feel sorry for everyone who had three minutes
and fourteen seconds of their lives thrown away on this steaming pile of
sports-entertainment. I'm only thankful that Ashley's Playboy push is finally
over, and she can finally get back to doing what she does best: laughing her way
through promos and deteriorating before our very eyes. Speaking of which, there
is actually a report of Ashley crying backstage following this mess of a
wrestling match because of how absolutely awful it was. Was she honestly
expecting the match to be anything over "shitty"? When you have one woman who is
trained, but can't exactly put on a great match, and one woman who has zero
training other than how to take a couple of hits and perform an elbow drop, what
else can be expected? Hopefully this will be a lesson for WWE and Ashley. You
just can't put untrained wrestlers in a Wrestle-freakin'-Mania ring and expect
greatness. It's not the '80s anymore, damn it! Get with the times!
Brother Ray of
Team 3D (formerly Bubba Ray Dudley, for those of you who have yet to make this
connection) is currently feeling the wrath of the many fans in TNA's Impact
Zone. What'd he do? Hell if I know. Fans have been heckling Ray with pig-faced
signs, oinking, and chants of "smells like bacon", among other piggy activities.
Hey, TNA fans, lay off of Brother Ray; if anyone smells like bacon, it's Pat
Patterson after a night of porking Sylvan's maple syrup ass. Two lame Patterson
jokes in a week? This just in: Catherine Perez is an overachiever.
TNA management are looking to bring in the Bashams to feud with everyone's
favorite disgruntled workers (besides Bob Holly and Carlito) VKM, B.G. "Road
Dogg" James has suggested feuding with Raven's flunkies in Serotonin... since,
you know, they're on the payroll. Havok of Serotonin was quoted as saying "OH
THANK GOD, FINALLY... I mean... woe is they who seek to feel the pain and
suffering Serotonin feel... right, Raven?" To be honest, I thoroughly enjoy dark
(not Thorn and Ariel) and psychotic (not Perry Saturn and Moppy) gimmicks, so I
naturally enjoy the reluctantly sinister Serotonin angle. Besides, any time I
get to see Raven on TV is cool with me. TNA, make it happen!
news for Abyss fans, haters, anyone who hates shitty storylines: Abyss's mom,
Park, will now be known as Mama Park. Yes, like Mama
Benjamin. TNA will be airing a video package about her and Abyss within the next
two weeks, so says the Wrestling Observer. Where the hell are Mama Mantel and
Mama Russo to stop the insanity and slap the shit out of Dutch and Vince? After
this Mama crap plays out, I'll be looking for Mama Perez's shoulder to cry on.
mentioned disgruntled workers before, I thought I'd mention Carlito's
disappointment over not being booked in a Wrestlemania match. If you haven't
read, Carlito was quoted at that THQ Superstar Challenge thing as saying
something like "I can win in a video game, but I can't win at Wrestlemania."
Poor guy. They keep him out of the biggest show of the year, and then they
wonder why the guy's so unmotivated and depressed. Cheer up, Carlito; at least
you're not Bob "More Under Than Over" Holly, who isn't booked on ANY
Pay-Per-View event. Hopefully Carlito used that dark match before Wrestlemania
to show WWE management what they missed out on... and hopefully Bob isn't
slashing his wrists in the locker room right now.
On some news
show, Vince McMahon and Donald Trump actually had the nerve to toss around the
idea of a Battle of the Billionaires rematch. Dear God, save us all! Vince is
already hairless up top, and a Stone Cold Stunner revealed to the world that
there's definitely something wrong with Trump's "hair", so what's next? One can
only imagine, but so as to not hurt any brains here, I will list some
disturbing, vomit-inducing, and outright idiotic ideas of my own:
gets a bikini wax.
- Loser gets a pair of tweezers to the grapefruits.
Loser gets his ass shaved with a lawn mower.
- Loser gets a hilarious phrase
etched into his hairy ass via laser hair removal.
- Winner gets free medical
- Winner gets a $5 gift certificate good towards any
I would sooner take a knife to the face than witness a
Colt Cabana will be
leaving Ring Of Honor soon, as he has signed with WWE. Considering how
oh-so-creative WWE's creative team is, expect him to debut on Raw soon, as
BALAGOA, Umaga's transgender brother/sister who will be managed by a re-debuting
Beth Phoenix as Alondra Ana-Maria Montoya. You'll be hanging off the edges of
your seats as BALAGOA, once he's trained the WWE way, pummels right through his
opponents... WITH A WET WILLY. You'll find yourselves at a loss for words when
BALAGOA soars through the air and... KICKS A GUY IN THE GUT FOR THE THREE-COUNT.
YEAH!!! Ratings gold right there, ladies and gentlemen.
Wrestling seems to have warped back to the 1980s, as far as gimmicks go.
According to the Wrestling Observer, KC James currently has a Cowboy Bob
Orton-like wearing a cast gimmick, while there is a Russian heel stable
consisting of Mr. Strongko, Vladimir "Double Double Eeh" Kozlov and Boris
Alexiev. Wait... aren't Vladimir and Boris the same guy? I could've sworn they
were mentioned as the same guy once. Cassidy Riley, a former TNA wrestler I
actually enjoyed watching, has recently reported to OVW. Steve Lewington (the
British guy from the Kurt Angle Invitational) and Chet the Jet are now a tag
team called Terminal Velocity. I guess Lewington and Chet have to reenact every
match that occurred on the last WWE Velocity show before its cancelation
[/lame]. Lastly, Chris(tian?! Nah.) Cage made his OVW return. Now that that's
out of the way, let's move on to something I can actually make a joke
Did you know
that Ariel had a pirate gimmick once? Me neither. Elijah Burke wore one of her
pirate tops to Wrestlemania. He was then possessed by the spirit of Ariel's
pirate ancestors and lost his match. Though, don't worry Elijah, you looked
ab-fab, dahhhhling! This kind of makes me wonder if there have been any other
wrestlers in WWE borrowing clothes from the Divas... like Shawn Michaels with
that girly, sleeveless top he sometimes wears. I think we now know where Vito
got his dresses from before being kicked back into OVW (WWE don't like ugly
chicks, right Vince?).
Monday night's Raw main event, Bobby Lashley vs.
Umaga, had wrestling fans leaving the arena in large numbers. According to some
fan reports from PWInsider, many fans were heading for the doors just a minute
into the match, and by the time the match was over, quite a few people were
gone. Hell, I don't blame them; I don't remember a time where I've changed the
channel so quickly. Well, I do. I think I've been changing the channel before
every Raw main event of the last three months. Anyway, this is most obviously a
sign that WWE need to work on their booking as far as the main event goes.
Here's a wild idea: when the time comes for the main event, book wrestlers that
can draw. As it stands, I don't think Lashley and Umaga can draw a cracked
nickel. Let's just hope that WWE don't attribute the crowd's mad dash towards
the exits as some kind of state-wide Attention Deficit Disorder, and we can
finally get some good main event matches (don't count on it) to look forward
As it stands, Cryme
Tyme's push is over. The cause of this is the way WWE's "Creative" Team works.
Basically, they treat wrestlers like a spoiled brat would to new toys. First
they love their new toy, and play with it day in and day out, but then they get
a new toy that's bigger and better (and possibly battery-operated), and the old
toys are thrown aside with disgust faster than Lita's vibrator after finding out
it's infested with herpes, gonorrhea, syphillis, and crabs. WWE are bored with
Cryme Tyme, and can't find a damn thing to do with them. Well, if Dave Chappelle
can make a living playing out stereotypes in a hilarious fashion, why can't WWE?
Oh. Right. WWE Creative aren't creative. Well, let me just give a preemptive "so
long" to Cryme Tyme and wish them all the best in future endeavors (beating
whiteys up in dark alleys? HILARIOUS~!).
And for this week's least
important news bit: Bob "
Hardcore" Holly needs arm surgery. This
marks the umpteenth time that Holly needs surgery, and... well, who cares,
honestly? I'm yawning just from reporting this to you. Either that or I'm still
feeling the after effects of Wrestlemania Weekend.
Well, this marks the
second time I present you all with a short column, but this week it can be
attributed to a shitty news week, my near-insomnia, and tons of college work. I
can't wait until summer vacation. Until next time, I have been Catherine Perez
and you probably have been jumping between asian porn sites and my column for
the last few minutes. Have a lovely evening, and get your hands off the KY
Catherine Perez is a proud owner
of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for
when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the
Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus
immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.
Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and
the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot