Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!

by Catherine Perez

April 05, 2007

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the column that pitched the idea of ass-scented SmackDown Smell-o-Vision to WWE's [Un]Creative Team. Once again, I am Catherine Perez. In case you missed my last column, Deadface Walking is TWF's newest column, all about me giving you my distorted thoughts on the happenings of pro-wrestling. All introductions aside, as it turns out, my other computer -- a very nice HP desktop with a Pentium IV processor, Windows 2000 (call me old-fashioned) and 40 gigs of space -- crashed on me, so I am currently reporting to you from a piece-of-shit HP Vectra VL with 10 gigs and Windows 98 (call me a complete loser)…but I'm sure you all couldn't care less, so let's get this column started.

For those who haven't heard or noticed…and ultimately probably didn't care, Joey Mercury was recently fired, and it seems it was due to another violation of WWE's Talent Wellness Policy. See, Joey has a bit of a problem with pain killers - or at least that's what a bunch of respectable, reliable news sites said. When reached for comment, Mercury retorted, "Addiction?! I DON'T HAVE ANY GAWD DAMNED ADDICTION! Say, you wouldn't happen to have any Ibuprofen on you, would you?" I actually enjoy seeing how morally messed up the Wellness Policy is; it's shown time and time again that when a wrestler isn't in the main event, and is in a drug-related rut, WWE will always be there to pull out of all association with him and leave him to fend for himself during a most physically and mentally crippling time, especially when under the influence of steroid investigations. Sure, Joey's had many chances, but that's far from the point. Or maybe it's not and I'm just being a biased twat. Either way, I request that WWE get themselves a new slogan: "WWE: We care…okay, no we don't, but it's good P.R. if we pretend to." That'd make a hell of a catchy, toe-tapping jingle. Usually, a second violation of the policy earns a wrestler a 60-day suspension and a trip to rehab, but since WWE obviously don't want to associate themselves with undercard drug users, it's off to the unemployment line -- also known as TNA -- with Joey.

While the following isn't wrestling news, I just wanted to tell you all how glad I am that I didn't witness the mindnumbing debacle that was Melina vs. Ashley from Wrestlemania. I feel sorry for everyone who had three minutes and fourteen seconds of their lives thrown away on this steaming pile of sports-entertainment. I'm only thankful that Ashley's Playboy push is finally over, and she can finally get back to doing what she does best: laughing her way through promos and deteriorating before our very eyes. Speaking of which, there is actually a report of Ashley crying backstage following this mess of a wrestling match because of how absolutely awful it was. Was she honestly expecting the match to be anything over "shitty"? When you have one woman who is trained, but can't exactly put on a great match, and one woman who has zero training other than how to take a couple of hits and perform an elbow drop, what else can be expected? Hopefully this will be a lesson for WWE and Ashley. You just can't put untrained wrestlers in a Wrestle-freakin'-Mania ring and expect greatness. It's not the '80s anymore, damn it! Get with the times! Brother Ray of Team 3D (formerly Bubba Ray Dudley, for those of you who have yet to make this connection) is currently feeling the wrath of the many fans in TNA's Impact Zone. What'd he do? Hell if I know. Fans have been heckling Ray with pig-faced signs, oinking, and chants of "smells like bacon", among other piggy activities. Hey, TNA fans, lay off of Brother Ray; if anyone smells like bacon, it's Pat Patterson after a night of porking Sylvan's maple syrup ass. Two lame Patterson jokes in a week? This just in: Catherine Perez is an overachiever.

While TNA management are looking to bring in the Bashams to feud with everyone's favorite disgruntled workers (besides Bob Holly and Carlito) VKM, B.G. "Road Dogg" James has suggested feuding with Raven's flunkies in Serotonin... since, you know, they're on the payroll. Havok of Serotonin was quoted as saying "OH THANK GOD, FINALLY... I mean... woe is they who seek to feel the pain and suffering Serotonin feel... right, Raven?" To be honest, I thoroughly enjoy dark (not Thorn and Ariel) and psychotic (not Perry Saturn and Moppy) gimmicks, so I naturally enjoy the reluctantly sinister Serotonin angle. Besides, any time I get to see Raven on TV is cool with me. TNA, make it happen!

Some bad news for Abyss fans, haters, anyone who hates shitty storylines: Abyss's mom, Mrs. Voorhees Park, will now be known as Mama Park. Yes, like Mama Benjamin. TNA will be airing a video package about her and Abyss within the next two weeks, so says the Wrestling Observer. Where the hell are Mama Mantel and Mama Russo to stop the insanity and slap the shit out of Dutch and Vince? After this Mama crap plays out, I'll be looking for Mama Perez's shoulder to cry on. Since I mentioned disgruntled workers before, I thought I'd mention Carlito's disappointment over not being booked in a Wrestlemania match. If you haven't read, Carlito was quoted at that THQ Superstar Challenge thing as saying something like "I can win in a video game, but I can't win at Wrestlemania." Poor guy. They keep him out of the biggest show of the year, and then they wonder why the guy's so unmotivated and depressed. Cheer up, Carlito; at least you're not Bob "More Under Than Over" Holly, who isn't booked on ANY Pay-Per-View event. Hopefully Carlito used that dark match before Wrestlemania to show WWE management what they missed out on... and hopefully Bob isn't slashing his wrists in the locker room right now.

On some news show, Vince McMahon and Donald Trump actually had the nerve to toss around the idea of a Battle of the Billionaires rematch. Dear God, save us all! Vince is already hairless up top, and a Stone Cold Stunner revealed to the world that there's definitely something wrong with Trump's "hair", so what's next? One can only imagine, but so as to not hurt any brains here, I will list some disturbing, vomit-inducing, and outright idiotic ideas of my own:

- Loser gets a bikini wax.
- Loser gets a pair of tweezers to the grapefruits.
- Loser gets his ass shaved with a lawn mower.
- Loser gets a hilarious phrase etched into his hairy ass via laser hair removal.
- Winner gets free medical hair restoration.
- Winner gets a $5 gift certificate good towards any SuperCuts haircut.

I would sooner take a knife to the face than witness a BotB rematch.

Colt Cabana will be leaving Ring Of Honor soon, as he has signed with WWE. Considering how oh-so-creative WWE's creative team is, expect him to debut on Raw soon, as BALAGOA, Umaga's transgender brother/sister who will be managed by a re-debuting Beth Phoenix as Alondra Ana-Maria Montoya. You'll be hanging off the edges of your seats as BALAGOA, once he's trained the WWE way, pummels right through his opponents... WITH A WET WILLY. You'll find yourselves at a loss for words when BALAGOA soars through the air and... KICKS A GUY IN THE GUT FOR THE THREE-COUNT. YEAH!!! Ratings gold right there, ladies and gentlemen.

Ohio Valley Wrestling seems to have warped back to the 1980s, as far as gimmicks go. According to the Wrestling Observer, KC James currently has a Cowboy Bob Orton-like wearing a cast gimmick, while there is a Russian heel stable consisting of Mr. Strongko, Vladimir "Double Double Eeh" Kozlov and Boris Alexiev. Wait... aren't Vladimir and Boris the same guy? I could've sworn they were mentioned as the same guy once. Cassidy Riley, a former TNA wrestler I actually enjoyed watching, has recently reported to OVW. Steve Lewington (the British guy from the Kurt Angle Invitational) and Chet the Jet are now a tag team called Terminal Velocity. I guess Lewington and Chet have to reenact every match that occurred on the last WWE Velocity show before its cancelation [/lame]. Lastly, Chris(tian?! Nah.) Cage made his OVW return. Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to something I can actually make a joke about.

Did you know that Ariel had a pirate gimmick once? Me neither. Elijah Burke wore one of her pirate tops to Wrestlemania. He was then possessed by the spirit of Ariel's pirate ancestors and lost his match. Though, don't worry Elijah, you looked ab-fab, dahhhhling! This kind of makes me wonder if there have been any other wrestlers in WWE borrowing clothes from the Divas... like Shawn Michaels with that girly, sleeveless top he sometimes wears. I think we now know where Vito got his dresses from before being kicked back into OVW (WWE don't like ugly chicks, right Vince?).

Monday night's Raw main event, Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga, had wrestling fans leaving the arena in large numbers. According to some fan reports from PWInsider, many fans were heading for the doors just a minute into the match, and by the time the match was over, quite a few people were gone. Hell, I don't blame them; I don't remember a time where I've changed the channel so quickly. Well, I do. I think I've been changing the channel before every Raw main event of the last three months. Anyway, this is most obviously a sign that WWE need to work on their booking as far as the main event goes. Here's a wild idea: when the time comes for the main event, book wrestlers that can draw. As it stands, I don't think Lashley and Umaga can draw a cracked nickel. Let's just hope that WWE don't attribute the crowd's mad dash towards the exits as some kind of state-wide Attention Deficit Disorder, and we can finally get some good main event matches (don't count on it) to look forward to.

As it stands, Cryme Tyme's push is over. The cause of this is the way WWE's "Creative" Team works. Basically, they treat wrestlers like a spoiled brat would to new toys. First they love their new toy, and play with it day in and day out, but then they get a new toy that's bigger and better (and possibly battery-operated), and the old toys are thrown aside with disgust faster than Lita's vibrator after finding out it's infested with herpes, gonorrhea, syphillis, and crabs. WWE are bored with Cryme Tyme, and can't find a damn thing to do with them. Well, if Dave Chappelle can make a living playing out stereotypes in a hilarious fashion, why can't WWE? Oh. Right. WWE Creative aren't creative. Well, let me just give a preemptive "so long" to Cryme Tyme and wish them all the best in future endeavors (beating whiteys up in dark alleys? HILARIOUS~!).

And for this week's least important news bit: Bob "YawnHardcore" Holly needs arm surgery. This marks the umpteenth time that Holly needs surgery, and... well, who cares, honestly? I'm yawning just from reporting this to you. Either that or I'm still feeling the after effects of Wrestlemania Weekend.

Well, this marks the second time I present you all with a short column, but this week it can be attributed to a shitty news week, my near-insomnia, and tons of college work. I can't wait until summer vacation. Until next time, I have been Catherine Perez and you probably have been jumping between asian porn sites and my column for the last few minutes. Have a lovely evening, and get your hands off the KY already.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ

Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).