Welcome
to the grand return of the Diatribe! It’s been a long ass time, but I’ve stayed regular with the TNA recaps so I’m happy about that. I really felt the need to flex some creative muscle, while praying it hasn’t atrophied.
But then I remembered that I’m Remy, which automatically makes me awesome. My mom even told me so.
So
with that, I proudly present:
Letters From The Wrestling World
To: Dixie Carter
From: Vince McMahon
Dix,
Just wanted to add a note to our previous
conversation. Having reached your four-year mark you continue to provide new and innovative programming. I cannot stress enough
what a MISTAKE this is. If you want to reach the big leagues you should be aware that wrestling works in “cycles.”
When you find something that works you must never allow it to die, just like that Neo in the second Matrix movie as long as
you forget the fact that the bitch died again in the third one anyway. But I think you get my point.
I’ll even let you in on some
of what we have planned for big comebacks. First of all, we’ve got two words for ya … Gold Dust! You see, re-hiring
and re-firing employees lets everyone who works for you know that when you make a decision, you mean serious business.
And what would the WWE be without
an ongoing face vs. boss feud? With this in mind, we’ve decided that each face wrestler will have his own boss to feud
with. The logistics of having so many bosses will be sorted out soon by Stephanie McMahon. She has assured us that she is
ready to birth her swarm at any moment. This will allow us to get all our faces insanely over. It will be like Hulkamania
times fifty!
I’ve also been asked by some
people why I’m giving you all this great helpful advice. And it’s really quite simple. I want TNA to be as close
to a WWE product as possible by the time I inevitably purchase it, along with the NFL. I don’t even mind telling you
this because I’m so confident you are powerless to stop me. Mwa haha, mwa haha.
Hope that helps! Best wishes,
Vincent K. McMahon
P.S. Don’t forget what I always
say: I love Dix!
To: Vince McMahon
From: Dixie Carter
Vince,
You are a fucking moron.
Sincerely,
Dixie
*
To:
Jim Cornette
From:
TNA booking committee
Jim,
With
your TNA debut fast approaching, we wanted to run our game plan by you. We’ve been hyping this “new face”
of TNA management with great zeal, so we really don’t want to disappoint. Basically, we hate the predictability of the
WWE so much that we’re going to do the opposite.
First,
you’ll come out and cut an enormously long and boring promo when you make your first appearance. With all the hype around
your debut, it’s the last thing they’ll expect!
Later
in the night we’ll also have you suspend the Heavyweight Title, after Jarrett wins it by cheating. The fans will start
to think you’re finally going to live up to the hype, but we’re going to SWERVE them again. You see, two weeks
later, you will simply GIVE Jarrett the title anyway. And the only explanation you’ll offer is that you had no choice,
even though you’re supposed to be the highest authority.
Believe
us, this will have the fans on the edge of their seats! Regards,
TNA
booking
*
To:
Playboy Centerfold
From:
Remy
Hey
babe,
Just
wanted to say I’m very sorry. I heard from one of your friends that you were unable to walk yesterday after our all-night
passionate love-making. I told you that inviting the other centrefolds to join in would be your only respite, but you just
have to be the jealous type. See you again tonight,
Remy
P.S.
I expect you to pay me the full amount this time.
*
Ooops,
how’d that one get in there?
*
From:
HHH
Guys,
Now
don’t tell Vince this, but I actually have been watching your show for a while now. But recently you’ve done something
that has enraged me, and I felt the need to write furiously about it on the internet to you. I may even start a myspace site
over this.
How
dare you put the title on Jeff Jarrett again. Don’t you realize that everyone is sick of him and his stale gimmick?
No one wants to see him with the title again you clueless morons. I mean, you’d think he was dating Dixie Carter or
something. And if he is, for shame. What a horrible way to conduct business. Regards,
Mr.
Stephanie McMahon
P.S.
Vince is yelling from the other room that you should do like we did with DX, and bring back Sports Entertainment Extreme already.
*
