The following was
written in real time! It's just that I traveled through
time and just arrived today to post it. True
Story. I was also pretty bombed whilst watching and
recapping this. So, bear with me. And maybe donate a
liver.
Hey there PPV Fans,
and welcome to my drunken Recapitation for CYBER
SUNDAY~! The PPV where YOU have a voice. It's just
so really ironic that you still keep saying what they
want anyway. Anyhoo, as announced by
WWE, tonight was OUR night. It just *felt* like we
were somewhat disappointed. So, by the standards of
feeling like we wasted our money, clearly this show
DELIVERED and was a rousing success. You see, I prefer
to look at the glass as half whatever. I'm an optimist
when it comes to being negative.
Tonight's show came to
us from Washington D.C.! Oh my god, like totally
seriously. Man, it's good to see they maintained their
current status quo of voting completely poorly.
Good for them.
We open up with Finlay
vs. Rey Mysterio, which of course is Spanish for King of Mystery. I wonder
which Mystery it is tonight? I hope it's one of
those Angela Lansbury ones where she gets invited to a
party and then someone dies. Which kinda happens at all
the parties she gets invited to. YET, THEY STILL KEEP
INVITING HER. Wait. what were we talking about
again?
We go to the control
center, with Tard Grisham to find out the stipulations!
The control center, for the record, much like the set,
is computer themed. And not Commodore 64's either.
Despite this company's booking being as equally relevant
to the times. And the winner is: STRETCHER MATCH with
40% of the vote~! Up next was No DQ with 36%! That's
right, 36% percent of WWE fans don't want Rey or Finlay
to have ANY Dairy Queen no matter how hot and sweaty
they get. NO PEANUT BUSTER PARFAITS ALLOWED ANYWHERE IN
THE RINGSIDE AREA. In last place was Shillelagh On A
Pole match with 24%. 23% of that vote came from Vince
Russo alone who voted repeatedly for it. Imagine that.
Maybe one day his dream of a Pole on a Pole match can
finally come true. In it, each man scales an 8 foot
pole, and the first one to get to the top gets another 8
foot pole in which he can use on his opponent IN ANY WAY
HE CHOOSES. YES. Then 15 guys run in from the back and
awkwardly prevent each other from rolling into the ring.
The last man standing gets a bye to the semi-finals
where they lose and are eliminated anyway. It's awesome.
They don't call Vince Russo a genius for
anything...
Rey Mysterio
vs. Finlay.
Anyway,
Stretcher match prevailed, and stretcher match is
what we got. For the record, the only way to win
the match is to place your beaten opponent on the
stretcher and dump him over a line. Man. How the fuck
did a Stretcher match mutate from brutal and potentially
career ending to just basically the world's shittiest
grocery cart ride? OH NO, HE'S WHEELING HIM ON
A PADDED BED MAYBE 15 FEET BEFORE STOPPING AND
FORGETTING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING! THE HUMANITY OF
IT ALL! But hey, up until the point the
actual stretcher ride made its appearance,
this match kicked all kinds of ass. Or one kind. Since
they're all just basically leg halves with assholes in
the middle, right? Right? Exactly.
Oh, since you asked ,
which I know you didn't, but hey, play along anyway, the
Shillelagh was hanging on a pole in the corner, as if
that was maybe the stipulation they wanted all along and
decided "Fuck it. We're incorporating it anyway!". But
that's just silly. I think I know a completely
spontaneous pole mounted Shillelagh when I see one. Both
men fight over the stick, because
holy shit am I tired of spellchecking Shillelagh
(FUCK!), with Rey eventually countering Finlay's
attempt with a top rope sunset flip! YES! And not too
soon. Because any non wrestling fans out there
accidentally catching glimpse of this must be wondering
why this angry old man in his wife's one piece swimsuit
is attempting to beat a small child in a Halloween
costume to death with a tiny baseball bat. You
know, much like I plan to this coming Wednesday night.
TP my tree will ya...
From there, Rey
acquires the Shillelagh (FUCK!). Why they couldn't
incorporate a racially stereotyped item for Rey to use
into his act is beyond me. Maybe a head of lettuce on a
chain? I don't know. However, Finlay grabs the
Shillelagh (FUCK!) and nails Rey right in the knee.
Which is quite the feat when you consider Rey's kneecap
is only about 4-6 inches from the ground. Finlay
then tries to decapitate Rey by tossing the stretcher,
but Rey ducks. Or just stands there. It's hard to tell
sometimes. All I know is he survived being killed by a
flying stretcher. Apparently Hospitals frown
on this happening with gurneys or something.
And having sex with patients whilst they're under
anesthesia. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE AMBULANCE, STAYS IN THE
AMBULANCE. Or maybe that was prison. I can't remember.
It involved penises and prolonged grief counseling
anyway.
The big finish comes
when Rey hits a 619, and a springboard splash, but the
finish gets fucked up because the gurney wheels get
caught up in microphone cables. Still, the irony is that
the Stretcher is still a better worker than say,
Chris Masters, because it only blew one spot; and also
Great Khali because it's actually mobile. It has a
bright future in this business. If it works hard enough,
maybe it can have half a career as promising as Ric
Flair's broomstick. (*** EVERY NIGHT,
baby!). Anyway, the stretcher botch forces Rey
and Finlay to then improvise. That's
right, the two pantomime a hilarious non-speaking
comedy sketch with props. It's hilarious. Or
maybe they just made up the match finish on
the fly. Whichever. Finlay's swings at Rey with
his Shillelagh (FUCK!) but Rey ducks, and
Finlay flops on the stretcher long enough for Rey to
cross the line. Booyaka Booyaka, 619. Something
Something that's my Something! You know the tune! Sing
along!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
and us all.
Uh oh, backstage, we
find out that Matt Hardy cannot compete tonight because
he's injured. His eye is all kinds of messed up. So much
for his boast of not dying. I've watched Highlander
PLENTY OF TIMES, and that shit should have cleared up
like 5 minutes after it went down. So, ya, DON'T TRY AND
CUT HIS HEAD OFF. He's just a normal dude, like you and
I. Anyway, that said we find out that MVP will still
wrestle tonight. Reputedly against either Kane, GREAT
KHALI OR MARK HENRY. Dear lord! Like that's not the most
obvious vote choice in HISTORY. Or pretty close,
anyway:
"Welcome to the Great
Debate 2008! Featuring Presidential candidates:
promising political maverick, Barack Obama, Peanut
Covered Turd and Wet Paper Bag Full of
Garbage. The choice is YOURS!
That said though,
never in my life more have I ever hoped that the MVP vs.
Matt stipulations are STILL in place. I think I could
die a happy man if I saw Great Khali compete in a MMA
match. Or hell, even the proposed "Wrestling
match". I think I've yet to see Khali have one. You
know, as opposed to whatever it is out there that he's
trying to do. Blinking a lot and not falling over?
Sounds about right.
GET TO WWE.COM AND
HAVE YOUR VOICE HEARD~! And your Vote of course
multiplied by 10 to pad the polls so they look like
Wrestling is still cool. IT'S NOT TOO LATE! (YES IT
IS!)
Hey, did you know
there's a Diva Halloween Costume tonight?
SERIOUSLY! Man, and here I thought we'd get ripped off
and they'd just have it on Free TV and we'd just get
some tedious shit like longer matches. Glad I was
wrong!!!!! Ahem.
And oh ya, they hype
it up, and look, there's Ron Simmons in his
"Completely played out and no longer entertaining"
Halloween costume. Come on, say "Damn!" Say
"Damn!" Haha, he said Damn. Best costume ever.
Oh.
It's time for the ECW
Title match! You had three choices. Well, four if you
decided to not pay for MIZ TO CHALLENGE FOR THE ECW
TITLE ON PAY-PER-VIEW. Dear god in heaven (Where else
would he be?). Anyway, Miz won this vote with 39%. While
John Morrison came in 2nd with 33%, then no doubt
shook his fist in anger in slow motion, and finally
Big Daddy V came in last with 28% of the vote. But don't
feel too bad for the big guy. He drowned his
sorrows by giving himself three choices as
well. Which high calorie meal would he consume
backstage? It was a 3 way tie for the record, with a
staggering 100% of it eaten. Good for
him.
Miz
vs. CM Punk for ECW Title!
EC-Du(m)b!
Hey, get this. We all
know The Miz refers to himself as a chick magnet, but
did you know there was a time where the "CM" in Punk
allegedly stood for Chick Magnet as well? Coincidence?
Ya, completely. But I can totally relate. I too like to
think of myself as a chick magnet. Unfortunately though,
all the women must be of the same polarity as me,
because they're always repelled. Oh well. What can you
do? Not be disgusting and perverted?
Probably.
Anyway, the two men
start off with some chain wrestling, and not say, CHAIN
SMOKING, because CM Punk's only addiction is competition. Hey, like Lindsay Lohan. Or
maybe that was Heroin. And dick. I can't remember.
All I know is, there better be a clinic for it. How cool
would that be? You go for treatment, and after 8 weeks,
you're cleansed of all your cravings to randomly pick
people up your shoulders and then knee them in the
face.
That said, in this
matchup, the fans have chosen to embrace ECW's
extreme attitude here, and pick up an extreme of their own: Apathy. Well, unless
you count taunting Miz with insulting chants like "You
can't Wrestle" after he tried to apply a European
headlock. Which you see is just like a regular headlock,
except way more pretentious and arrogant. YOU'RE NOT
BETTER THAN ME, HEADLOCK!. This however just brings on
more "You can't Wrestle" chants. Huh. I chanted
"You can't wrestle!" once. Of course, it was at a
Baseball game. It went over about as well as you'd
expect. I don't even know how I got
there. Ya, so, to hammer this home, and umm, not
beat you to death with it, Punk eventually wins with the
GO TO SLEEP. And I'll be damned that if in anticipation
of this very hold, the audience didn't do just that
for the last ten minutes. Dear
lord.
Winner and STILL ECW
Champion, CM Punk. Holy shit, the reaction to this match
(although it was decent for what it was) didn't do
Democracy any favors. All of a sudden, Communism is
looking pretty fucking good. Wait. That's what WWE
does the rest of the year. Forget I said that.
Comrade.
With that in mind
though, the fact this match even happened proved the
voting is at least LEGIT. I mean, look how hard
they pushed for Big Daddy V to get this slot, but to no
avail. But come on, people! He's really big! What's
wrong with you?! It'll be funny to see if Vince
just stubbornly puts the ECW Title on him anyway.
And I for one can't wait to see a guy who looks like
someone left a Easter Egg sitting on Radiator
representing an entire brand. I hope he, like Cena
before him, gets a customized belt. I know just the
one:
Anyway,
speaking of big useless dudes, we get the hype
for THE MONSTER
MASH on ECW this week. My prediction
(hope?) of all four men being crushed in a
compactor simultaneously was proven false. It's a
Battle Royal. Yay! 10 minutes of huge guys making
sure other huge guys don't accidentally fall out of
the ring by holding on to their legs under the
guise that they're *really* trying to push them out. I
can't wait. (Yes I
can!).
Time to find out whose
getting a prolonged series of restholds
tonight!:
And the winner is
HBK with 59%. Ken Kennedy came in last
with 10%.......10%. And Jeff Hardy clocked
in at 31%. Although, I heard, through his eyes
it actually read 3131%. I can just picture his
reaction. "Hey, man, why *burp* are you getting a title
shot when I got like 3000% of the vote , man?"
It's a new kind of math: METHEMATICS.
However, as a result,
we'll now see the two losers battle! It's Mr. Kennedy
vs. Jeff Hardy. But not for the Intercontinental Title
for some reason. I have no idea why. Maybe WWE's keeping
their Title options open tonight in the case Triple H
gets the spontaneous urge to win the WWE title a few
times. You wouldn't want to spoil something that
special!
Jeff Hardy vs.
MISSSTTTERR KENNEDY (KENNEDY!)
Well, I'm not sad to
see Mr. Kennedy not get the title shot. After last
Monday's catch-as-catch can't wrestling debacle, I'm
starting to think perhaps Fate saved us from a
grave mistake many times this year. Who knew fate had
the best interests of the industry at
heart?
Anyway, these two
actually have good chemistry, and why not? When you
think chemicals, you think Jeff Hardy! Wait. that didn't
come out right. Anyway, both men trade some chain
wrestling early on, but eventually Kennedy gets a stiff
DDT for a close 2 count. Jeff comes back, only for
Kennedy to counter out of a Twist of Fate. Hardy
then gets a Whisper in the Wind. Only not
literally. Because dear god can you imagine wind made up
entirely of multi-colored dudes with questionable drug
habits? Jeff can. It's a sweet fucking high. I
guess it could be worse. You could get caught in a Texas Tornado
where you and your mobile home are sucked
up into the clouds by a one foot Texan who punches way
too much. (Stay away from the ocean, too. There be
morbidly obese Typhoons in them there
waters!).
Anyway, Hardy is in
control, and hits a Mule kick. I once lost a farmhand
job for the doing the same thing. You don't even want to
know what I did to the sheep. Jeff then goes for his big
corner dropkick, but Kennedy avoids the trouble, the
only trouble he's bothered to avoid this year, and
quickly gets the pin after Jeff hit the
mat.
Winner: Mister
Kennedy. But I have no doubt he and the "Rainbow Haired
Warrior" will battle again. And speaking of which, when
was the last time we had any "Rainbow haired
Wars" to necessitate the needed warriors to fight in
them? All I know is, remind me to never enlist
in whatever fucking military that is. Although, I'm
guessing the 'don't ask, don't tell' mandate has been
suspended as far as haircuts go. That's one plus, I
guess.
Backstage, we see
potential Referees Mick Foley and JBL. They're alluding
to the race between JBL and Austin being umm, (red)neck
and (red)neck. I don't know about you, but I'm almost
100% sure they're not working us. And I say this because
I just bought this awesome bridge in Manhattan for like
next to nothing, and I'm riding pretty high right
now.
Anyway, Foley ends up
telling JBL he's the biggest Fat head in the arena. You
see, "Fat head" is the sponsor of tonight's event. It's
too bad there's not a product called "Useless Cunt". I'd
love to see Foley interact with Stephanie McMahon
in a similar sketch. Especially after this
past week. You'd think being married to a dude with
all kinds of practice drinking bottled water that
she'd know how to actually pour
it for someone. Although, my pet theory is
she had poor Candice's BEST INTERESTS in mind. You see,
she's married to the KING OF KINGS, so like the Holy
Grail, drinking from the same glass, or bottle in this
case of his HHHigh HHHoliness would completely HHHeal
Canvas Michelle of her grievous injuries. Then the
water bottle would be guarded for the next two Millennia
by a secret pact of Knights. Huh. Maybe HHH should talk
to HBK. I heard he knows just the
Knights for this job!
Ahem.
It's now time to find
out who will face MVP for the U.S. Title in a terrible
match!
And it's KANE with 67%
of the vote. Apparently the other 33% of WWE fans are
self-loathing and masochistic. Who
knew.
Kane vs. (C)
MVP for U.S. Title!
Thank God it's Kane.
That fire still burns! It just doesn't leave any
discernable scars or marks. What the fuck is up with
that anyway?
Anyway, these two pick
up where they left off, Armageddon, where a giant
skin-headed white dude lit a terrified black man on
fire. Yet, Kane was the GOOD GUY. Just be thankful
that's where it ended. I for one don't want to see
burning Crosses Symbols on my
grass.
The story here is MVP
running away from Kane, which is pretty much all that
happens. MVP then takes a purposeful count-out to retain
the Title. Damn. And here I was hoping Kane would
actually win the United States Title and rechristen
it the PARTS UNKNOWN Championship! Yes. And from there
he'd defend his new title against all his giant
psychotic countrymen along with all his
randomly face-painted neighbors.It'd be great. Tell
me I'm wrong.
Winner by
count out: KANE. The U.S. is safe. For now. I understand
though that George Bush is thinking of Preemptively
striking Parts Unknown and setting up a Democratic
government. You'll never see a cruel Barbarian lead that
nation again. And by that, I mean, the actual Barbarian. He was
elected President there last
year.
/5
-New Save_Us video
airs.
Help SAVE
US, Y2J! You're Our Only
Hope!
-Vignette for HBK and
Randy Orton. I need to see this stuff again like I need
a kick in the head. Clever segues
FTW.
HBK vs.
(C) Randy Orton: WWE Title
match!
A lot of people have
questioned the health of the Heartbreak Kid here. And
speaking of that, can't he just be Heartbreak Man, now?
How long must we be fooling ourselves? That said,
although both of his knees appear to be shot, I beg
to differ. He still has the ability to drop to them and
give thanks to the Lord during his intro. The moment you
see Shawn enter the arena, shoot JC a big thumbs up and
yell out "You'll have to take a rain-check, Lord!" that
will be the moment I start worrying. Mostly because you
don't want to remind God of rain. He kind of
overdid it once. I'm building a boat just
in case. Now I'll just have to think of a way to
convince George Steele and Batista to hop on board for
the preservation of their species.
Anyway, this was a
very good match. But what would you expect from HBK?
He's been taking a page from Jesus (OUT OF THE
BIBLE!) and performing MIRACLES for years. But
instead of just turning water into wine (The real reason
Scott Hall's one of his best friends) he just carries
everyone to great matches.
That said, this one
starts off slowly, obviously to mask some of HBK's
limitations right now, as Orton eventually grinds him
with a...wait for it...chinlock. He
then applies a bodyscissors to make sure that HBK goes
nowhere. With that in mind, though, I'm
disappointed Randy's World Title doesn't spin. Here
I was hoping that they'd have a spinner
adhered whose center would see Orton applying his
vaunted chinlock, and by proxy of it repeatedly
spinning, we'd soon be hypnotized into thinking it
wasn't the most boring and tedious hold ever. Oh well.
What can you do.
Eventually, HBK
rallies,and the two fight over a superplex. But there
will be no plexing on this night, super or not, because
HBK pushes Orton off. HBK then goes for the flying
elbow, but Randy moves, and HBK crashes and burns. If
only WWE had followed through on my plea to remake
HBK's limbs ala JAX's arms from Mortal
Kombat. We wouldn't be having this conversation right
now. Although, Randy Orton's head would explode scanners
style every time HBK hit some Chin Music. But the more I
think about it, the more I can't seem to find a problem.
Come on, WWE. REBUILD HIM. YOU HAVE THE
TECHNOLOGY. Bionic limbs > than 10 random
chicks running along an inflatable obstacle
course.
Randy Orton began
stalking HBK from there. He'd send him roses without a
card and then call him five times a night and just
breath heavy into the receiver. Or maybe he just
looked like he wanted to administer an RKO. I like my
version better. HBK however counters into a quick
backslide for two. HBK then goes on full offense. Flying
forearm. Scoopslam, big elbow. He begins to tune up the
band: "You there, with the French horn, stay on cue!" He
misses the Superkick however when Orton delivers a
Greco-Roman kick to the bag to cause the vaunted
pay-per-view Disqualification. You'll have to not pay to
see how this feud ends! Wait.
Winner by DQ: HBK. He
gets a win and found his smile. Turns out it was behind
the couch all along. Who'd have thunk
it?
After the
match, Orton looks for the Soccer kick, that let's face
it, just might alienate him from the other Soccer
parents at children's games in a few years, just saying,
but Michaels avoids it and hits the superkick.
Awesome. I myself have been working on my
Okaykick. One day, like Michaels, I hope to bring it up
to that next level. Wish me
luck.
-Wrestlemania 24
advertisement. Memories will be Indelibly etched in the
annals of time! Unless your last name is Benoit,
apparently. Turns out, "indelibly etched" really
means "Quick, someone get me a cloth and
bottle of WD-40, right away! This ink isn't dry yet!".
Who knew?
Vignette for Umaga vs.
Triple H. Only one over Samoan was pinned for no
reason in the making of this
promo.
The results are in:
Which match will HHH defeat Umaga in tonight? Let's go
to the results!:
Street
Fight - 57%
Cage match - 26%First Blood match -
17%
Triple H vs.
Umaga: STREET FIGHT.
Damn, the
First
Blood match lost. And here I was looking
forward to each man being driven insane by redneck cops
who persecute them just because they look like Hippies.
"Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off!
It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! ...".
It could have been so AWESOME. Oh
well.
Anyway, this match was
very good. Even though I think HHH's intro--with his new
t-shirt that looks suspiciously like it hasn't been
washed, and that Trips may have fell asleep on a
newspaper-- took longer than the actual
contest.
And the actual contest
here is Street Fight. And surprisingly, Triple H has
bucked tradition here and is NOT wearing jeans. You see,
JEANS give you an advantage in Street fights. Don't ask
me why. I don't make the rules. And he's not wearing
STREET SHOES either. Which differ from wrestling boots
and thus give you an advantage as well. You see, unlike
wrestling boots, street shoes do up with laces, and are,
wait, I don't understand it either. Let's forget
about the whole thing.
HHH and Yewmanga start
brawling right away, and you'll be happy to know Jan the
Makeup lady backstage thankfully remembered to
braid Umaga's hair this week. I picture them laughing,
eating popcorn and talking about boys. It's sweet.
Trips and Umaga head
backstage, but it's all a ruse, you see, because HHH
spears Umaga through the Cyber Sunday set. A Conspiracy
theorist might suggest this is a subtle way to stick it
to the Internet. You see, by destroying figurative
computers, he's DESTROYING ALL OF US, the
naysayers, and holy fuck, even I can't say this with a
straight face. Both men, then brawl back to the ring
where HHH grabs a trashcan. He nails Umaga in the head,
though he should know better. Hitting Samoans in the
head is like being another charismatic blond guy to
Triple H. NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OF IT. Triple H then
gets Samoan Dropped, or just Dropped, because, let's
face it, Umaga's Samoan. Chinese people don't call their
meals Chinese Food. Come on, WWE.
Eventually, Umaga
crushes HHH in the corner with the flying fat ass.
This must have been like a flashback to his HHHoneymoon.
Which was 4 years ago last week, by the way. More
Hardcore goodness follows, including a HHH DDT on a
chair. Eventually, both men end up on the floor, where
Umaga kicks H's in the head whilst he dug under the ring
for something. He then cleared off the announce tables,
because let's face it, you don't want anyone to be
seriously hurt when you try and kill them by driving
them through a table? Man. To me, that's the equivalent
of fighting a War where you just bop your enemies on the
head with the butt of your rifles, because SHOOTING them
might kill somebody.
Anyway, speaking of
killing somebody, Umaga puts Triple H on the ECW table,
then does his two table run and smashes him through it!
Awesome visual. But no worries, Tazz and Styles were
spared injury, because they were ejected from the
building two hours ago with all their shit after serving
their only purpose. Umaga then dragged Triple H
back into the ring, but misses a big flying headbutt.
HHH is now up! The visual of a midcard rising to
eventual prominence compels him to continue. "Not. On.
My. Watch." says he. Probably? Maybe. HHH grabs sledgy
and swings, but Umaga ducks. "I remember your shovel
last month, Mr. umm, Hearst Helmsley. You'll have to get
up pretty early in the morning with this
Sledgehammer!" says Umaga. Only it just sounded
like "Blah, Blah Fa Samoa!". I'm bilingual, you see.
Umaga then goes for the Samoa Spike, but HHH ducks that,
grabs Sledgy, hits Umaga in the gut, delivers the
Pedigree, takes stock of which tag team he's yet to
pin, and then covers Umaga for the
win!
Winner: Son-in-Law.
But unlike last month, there was no burial here. Not
that it'd matter. Umaga's a Samoan Bulldozer! He'd just
dig his way out!
-Ad for the WWE 500th
Anniversary magazine. Man, it's hard to believe it's
been 500 years already since the first issue. It seems
like just yesterday Christopher Columbus sailed to
America in hopes of getting there 15 years early so he
could guarantee a copy.
Hey, it's time to find
out the winner of the Costume contest! But let's look at
the costumes first:
Mickie James- Indian
Warrior. Well, I'd gladly bury the hatchet with
her. Well, if by "hatchet" you mean "penis" and "with
her" meaning, umm, in her? Sounds about right.
God bless her. Whatever her Indian name is. Sitting
Bull on my face? I
wish.
Torrie- Redskins
Football player. Hey, when you're done with
Washington I have a position for you at the Ontario
Foreskins.
Jillian= Britney. I
had no idea Britney gave birth to two completely
inanimate dolls. Of course, K-Fed is the father, so it
makes sense. And ya, oh ya. THIS COSTUME CLEARLY NEEDED
MORE GIGANTIC EXPOSED BALD VAGINA. You know, for
realism. I'm a method Costume guy. And a registered sex
offender.
Maria=
Pussycat. If I was DDP, I'd insist this was in fact the
one I'd lost and call
it a day.
Layla= Bad Cop.Let me
show you my Telescopic nightstick. Or maybe
that was microscopic. Never mind.
*sniffle*.
Kelly Kelly = Pimp.
Shouldn't this be John Laurenaitis's costume?
Badumcha.
Michelle McCool= Eve.
Minus, umm, you know, the Nudity. This Eve looks
more like she raided fucking Poison Ivy's closet. And
hey, isn't there supposed to be an Apple with this deal?
Maybe she ate it. Then threw it up in the bathroom
hoping no one noticed. SHE'S LOVIN' LIFE~! (but not as
much as anorexia!).
Melina= Las Vegas
Showgirl. Umm, Hello. Needed more Elizabeth Berkley
really angry shirt-tearing, though. And Paul Verhoeven
to convince her that a nude catfight with Gina
Gershon will make you a fucking A-list superstar. And of
course then throwing a bunch of marbles in the
ring. There would be no losers here. Except the crippled
Divas. Oh well.
Brooke= Jungle girl. I
heard this was pretty much the same outfit (bar the
snake) she wore when she was allegedly homeless.
But how the fuck does someone who looked like her become
homeless? I'm guessing there's a few idiots out there
that'd let her move in. Call me crazy. Although, it'd be
funny to see her holding up a sign along the road that
read "Will stand around a lot contributing
absolutely nothing for
Food".
Victoria was Yokozuna.
Only you know, alive. Who knew how ironic his fear of
caskets in 1993 would really end up being?
Although, I'm guessing that his *real* ceremony didn't
see him put to rest in a giant box with Undertaker's
fucking painted head on it. Call it a
hunch.
And your winner is:
MICKIE JAMES! Indian Warrior! And somewhere out there,
Tatanka just filled the cup.
Time to find out the
guest Referee for the Main Event. But first, Tard
reveals that 13189061 voted this year! And of those 13
million plus, many looked exactly the same,
almost as if they had hundreds of
identical twin brothers. What are the
odds.
JBL
then interrupts, and thanks "his fans" for letting
him be in the Main Event tonight. Foley then came out,
to a surprising non-reaction. BOO THAT BULLSHIT. What's
not to like about a lovable pudgy guy who pulls a long
flaccid white object from his pants all the time? This
is my current court defense by the way. Wish me
luck. And bail.
The results were
then aired:
Steve Austin -
79%
Mick Foley - 11%
JBL -
10%
Huh. I expected even
more of a landslide for Steve. Maybe Debra voted Foley
and JBL a few thousand times? Which is all the more
impressive when you consider both her eyes are swelled
shut~! The text should have read
#$%^&%%$. Ahem.
Austin then came out,
and well, you know what happened next. Stunner. Stunner.
Yup. The real story here though is that apparently JBL
was the replacement for fellow big mouthed pasty
fatso, Roddy Piper. Piper was scheduled to be
choice number 3, but apparently he revealed the by gawd
booking when he said a month ago that he was scheduled
to be one of 3 potential Referees in an interview. So,
like his melanoma last year, Vince cut him out
completely. Despite all the Cable companies airing that
exact announcement early anyway. But it's not
like Vince would know that. I think Vince's booking has
proven the motherfucker hasn't watched TV in twenty
years.
The Undertaker vs. (C) Batista for
World Heavyweight Title; Steve Austin as Referee.
Hey, Steve Austin's
got a new T-shirt! Imagine that. Although, after this
night, I'm thinking this one might be a bit more
Apropos:
That said, Austin
being Referee for Batista at this event is
ironic. For you see, two years ago, at this very event,
Batista replaced Stone Cold in a match
after Austin injured himself lifting a Sofa. Yes, a
SOFA. And come to think of it, didn't
Hulk Hogan injure himself once GETTING UP
OFF A SOFA? Fuck Randy Orton. Clearly, this
WWE Sofa is the true LEGEND KILLER in the business. Its
record speaks for itself. Quick,somebody send Kevin Nash
a Lazyboy (named in his honor). He's scheduled to
wrestle for the TNA title in a few weeks. We're not too
late!
Anyway, these two have
never had a bad match with each other, and this is no
exception. Perhaps it's because Undertaker puts Batista
at ease. After all, The Deadman attended College on a,
wait for it, BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP.
Which in turn taught Taker to not hold grudges. IT JUST
MAKES SENSE.
Anyway, just so you
know, Lawler has replaced JBL on commentary for this
match. So expect all expressions like "Ball Game!" and
"He smells like smoke, 'cause he's walked through fire"
to be replaced with euphemisms for titties.
Both men feel each
other out early with CLUBBING BLOWS. Eventually, Taker
applies the Triangle choke, but Batista, not a fan of
Geometry obviously, gets to the ropes. And not a moment
too soon. Taker had a Trapezoid choke on deck that would
have likely ended the match, if only the Deadman could
properly concave his leg into a jaunty position. It'd
have been something, I'm telling
you.
After some brief
brawling, Taker gets the flying clothesline and goes for
Old School~! However, there's no DVD player handy,
so the hilarious hijinx of Frank the Tank and the boys
will have to wait. DEATH VALLEY~! THE SUNSHINE STATE!
GORGEOUS! Well, that, and Batista countered and
muscled Taker into position for a superplex. But Taker
countered out, and covered Big Dave for a close
two.
Both men spill to the
floor from there, and Batista Irish-Whips Taker into the
steel stairs. Batista: "WHO's YOUR DADDY, UNDERTAKER!".
Undertaker: "He died in a fire, dick.
*Sniffle*." Speaking of Daddy's, I was
recently shocked to learn that Batista is
actually a Father. It's true. I just can't
picture that. Or maybe I can. Imagine this
parental exchange: "Ah, you kids think you have it
so tough! When I was a boy, I had to walk a MILE through
a PIT OF DANGER...just to get to
school!".
Umm,
ya.
Anyway, Taker soon
rallies, hits Batista with the apron leg drop (selling
an injured body part? What's that?) and hit Snake Eyes
back in the ring. (Not
this). Watch out, Storm Shadow,
you may be next. Taker then goes up for Old School
again, but gets caught by Big Dave with a SPINEBUSTER!
Shades of someone not Arn Anderson whom I can't think of
right now! Batista covers for two, but Taker explodes
out with ANOTHER Triangle choke. A Zombie with Jiu Jitsu
skills. Awesome. Clearly, Jason Voorhees could have
saved himself A LOT of trips to the morgue had he just
detoured to Brazil and visited the Gracie family
first. Obviously.
Batista
forces the break when he cradles Taker for a two count.
However, Taker eventually gets a chokeslam soon after
for a close two count of his own. Taker then signaled
for the tombstone. Just then I noticed Taker still has
his "Sara" tattoo, despite him allegedly being estranged
from her. That has to be awkward for the ladies. If I
was him, (after I electrocuted people with my lightning
hands, just because) I'd maybe change it to Sara
Lee and just insist that you have a love for
delicious little frozen cakes. No? No good?
Come on. And just think. Taker wouldn't even need an
oven. He could just get his brother Kane to pump his
arms, then grab some plates, and serve. This shit writes
itself. Unfortunately.
Anyway, Batista slips
out of the tombstone attempt, and gets the MAIN EVENT
SPEAR. That only gets a two count, though. Batista then
muscles Taker into the corner, and begins to deliver
mounted punches. Ya, nothing could possible go wrong
here. Hey, Dave, why not catch one of RVD's chairs, or
duck your head in front of a running Triple H? Make it a
hat trick. As you may have figured by my extreme
sarcasm, Taker counters into the Last Ride. But that
only gets two as well. Taker then goes for another
tombstone, but Batista once again escapes, hits a spear,
and then delivers the Batista Bomb. Undertaker still
kicks out. Batista then hits one more, and gets the pin!
HE WALKS ALONE. HUH!..all while dribbling a
basketball no doubt, just because there's no tense
feelings.
Winner and STILL
Champion: The Animal, Batista. Just what kind
of animal is still unknown. But boy would
having him be put down at the Veterinarian's be awkward.
You try fitting a 300 pound dude into a shoe
box.
End
Show.
Final Thoughts: If you're ever
going to the strip club for a lap dance, wear track
pants. You want the least amount of clothing possible
between you and her. You'll thank me
later.
That said, this show
was saved by the two big World Title matches. The
rest of the card was hit or miss, but an enjoyable night
of wrestling Sports
Entertainment over all. Even if there was no
Chris Jericho sightings. You'll have to watch TV for
free to see that payoff! Sometimes I wonder how this
company makes so much money. Then I remembered I was the
one who just paid 45 dollars to see Randy Orton get
disqualified. Never mind.
Thumbs
up.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
WWE CYBER SUNDAY
/5
