THE "A" STANDS
FOR ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT...
Guess who's rumored to be playing
Captain America? Don't know? Well, it'd be coooooler if
ya did... because, the big rumor out of Tinsel-town
right now is that the announced 2011 adaptation of
CAPTAIN AMERICA, just may
star good ole Wooderson himself, Matthew McConaughey! And I say, why
not? He wouldn't even need the Serum. You
could just light him a big fat red white and
blue bowl, and he'd become just as impervious to
injury. And if not? Well, he won't remember shit come
morning anyway. I'm telling you, it'd save the
government MILLIONS. Ok, tens of thousands. There'd
likely stilly be a huge grant needed to cover all the
bags of Funyons and raw cookie-dough required to
maintain Caps'
sustenance.
Seriously though, the
thought of a laid-back slacker pot-head
playing the completely straight-laced, no-nonsense
poster boy of Americana brings me nothing but joy. And
not just because I'm also high, and everything right now
brings me joy. Not even. And not just because
half the movie would feature the rest of the Avengers
desperately trying to get Caps out of bed before
3pm and then getting furious when he trades in his
suit and shield for a pair of Bongos and a fucking
Hemp necklace, all while he uses Iron Man's suit
power-reserve to host his grow room. From
there, the
other half of the movie is just him no-showing a
final showdown against the Nazi's so he can
petition congress to legalize Marijuana. It's a recipe
for success! A recipe that contains two parts brownies
and two parts pot, and equal parts SWEET FUCKING
HIGH. But the best part of the whole
debacle would definitely be the potential
dialogue. Trust me. Just
look:
Captain
America: "You know what I like about this
Super Soldier Serum, man? They keep gettin' older, but I
keep stayin' the same
age..."
This shit writes
itself. I'm telling you.
So, here's to Matthew McConaughey as
Captain America! Now all we have to do is get Woody
Harrelson cast as Red Skull, and the cycle will be
complete. The whole movie can culminate in them just
putting aside that whole "Freedom vs. Tyranny thing",
splitting some Acapulco Gold while sitting on the
sofa in big assed Bermuda shorts, eating Cheetoes,
staring at their hands and laughing, and having
conversations that they'll never ever remember having.
Conversations like
THIS:
Captain
America: "So, why do they
call you, Red Skull, Red
Skull?"
Red
Skull: "Duuude, I think it's 'cause I got a
Red
Skull."
Captain
America: "That's cooool. Have you ever
thought about that, man? I mean, really thought about
it? You got a Red Skull, and they call you Red
Skull? Imagine how all awkward that'd be if you're skull
wan'nt red? People'd get all confused and shit and be
all saying, this whole thing'd make waaaayyy more sense
if his skull was the right color. It's
totally cool, really when you really, really think
about
it".
Red
Skull: "That's so true, man. Hahaha. Soooo,
true. Red Skull. And I got a red skull. I'm
just lucky, I
guess."
Captain
America: "You're telling me. So, tell
me, man, why do they call you Red Skull
anyway?"...
Tell me you wouldn't
watch this movie.
I'm
Sean.
And my judgment
can't be trusted. Because I also want Jason Mewes cast
as Thor, and Kevin Smith cast as ANYBODY. If I have my
way, the entire Avenger's headquarters will be smokier
than a fucking Turkish Bath house. Plus, when the
Authorities get tipped off, they can just all give their
Stash to Ant-Man, and he can shrink that shit down 'til
the smoke (HIYO) clears. And I'll love every fucking
minute of it. Mostly because my diminished capacity will
insist on it.
