Hey there, Baconfans it is I, your favourite writer in the ever and the man thrice
voted "Bestest Insidey Insider I’ve never read in my life" by the Dave Meltzer himself, Me, Canadian Bacon—Or as I’m known by my
Christian name, Jesus. It’s true!!!11
Anyways, I knows its been like years since I last had the bigtime opportunity to
be awesome with you, and as such some of yous may not even be familiar with my extensive expertise in Writery dealing
with glorious oiled musclemen. So, I’ll give you the quick 411. I’m the best. When Dave Meltzer or Bryan Alvaroni
needs bigtime info and such they ring up the Baconman, and get the real scoops on the stars because I gots news for you all,
if I was anymore inside, I’d be playing Babaloo on Vince McMahon’s lower intestines!!!!111 It’s true!
In fact, you know that infamous entry on the wikipedia about Chris Benoit murdering his family and wife and child even
that was posted a day before anyone knew about the murders? And how everyone was like “How could anyone have known
that before it was ever released?" And how people were like “Someone with that much information just HAD to be
on the scene?” Well, I was one of these people asking this. So, don’t doubt my infinite credentials on all things
wrestling!111 (I once knew a guy who sold Killer Khan a bite-sized Baby Ruth chocolate bar at an Airport chip-stand
in 1987 one week before the Survivor Series, so I AM THE REAL DEAL.).
Anyways, before we get to the newsiness and I give you an early Christmas (named
in honor of the man who coined the holiday, William Christmas in 1944) present—THE GIFT OF THE KNOWLEDGE—let us
first discuss its preceding holiday, FAKE THANKSGIVING!!!!111 That’s right, anybody who’s anybody who’s
me knows that the real Thanksgiving happens in October in God’s country of Canada-- the northern most point of importance
in the universe and the closest geographical proximity to heaven, and as such, it’s just a stones throw to give him
his proper thanks. It’s true. So, ya, I hope you all enjoyed your fake thanksgiving and thought back to the first one
when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia and then killed the Indians. Just think, if the Indians weren’t such
pussies, we’d all be speaking Indian today and living in Tents. So, thanks Americans for your genocide. It was a nice
gesture! And see you all tomorrow on Black Friday, named in honour of all the black people throwing Jimmy elbows at the
stores trying to get to the discounted pork rinds. It’s just sad. And Hilarious!!!
Onto the Réport!!!1111
BACON
RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO
WANTS TO KNOW STUFF
(11/28/08)
Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to have an awesome feature called the "Ross Report"
where he tackled the biggest issues of the sport. Issues like spicy hickory Barbecue sauce, what appliances best resemble
the varying limbs of the Big Show and what fruit could fit inside his rings, and of course how you should build up your upperbody
to really get into the hunt. You know, the truly important things!!! Unfortunately though, soon after, Mother Nature reeked
bigtime chaos on his asshole and he had to step down to get his colon taken care of (As I've said before, he now has a semi-colon).
THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!!11 You see, I picked up the slack where he left off. So I did what any really super important Internet
legend would do in that situation: I filled his quota of BIGTIME INFORMATION. Delivering wrestling newsery with the intensity
of someone like totally intense. It was that awesome. So here we are! Me back doing what I do best (besides tucking my balls
and junk in my asshole and tricking people into thinking I'm a sexy lady!): NEWSINESS AS ONLY I CAN PROVIDE!!!!!
Here we go!!!!11
-Brock Lesnar is the new Ultimate Fighting Championship Fighting heavyweight Champion
of the Universe! Brock won this honour by beating Randy Haute Couture who I understand when he’s not fighting is producing
some of the best runway high fashion! It’s true! Anyways, I was all up in Las Vegas as the kids are not saying
these days, and saw it all LIVE! Of course, if I wasn't live I’d be dead and that’d make it really
hard! (Although I could still watch it Heaven ‘cause God still allows MMA up there, just not WWE! Stupid Backlash 2006!!!!11).
Anyways, as I was saying, I was there and saw it live, then watched it on
PPV also simultaneously, because I defy logic and time, and I’ll tell you there was actually some bigtime discrepancies
or differences even! Like, the part where Brock yelled out “Here comes the Pain!” then said “Psyche!”
and just wrapped his legs around Randy and rode him like a horse smacking his bum the whole time! They also cut
out the part where he went to the top of the Octagon for a Shooting Star Press and yelled “Hopefully it works this time!”
And guess what? IT DID!!!1111 Then he just punched him in the head and killed him and they gave him the belt, and Sable turned
to embers under the hot lights. It happened just like that. Except for the lies.
Speaking of the Ultimate Fighting World (An actual planet found just south of Planet
Stasiak ) WWE released a statement on their bigtime website where they bashed the UFC shows for their lack of guaranteed entertainment
like WWE’s. Just when and where they these alleged WWE shows would be available and such remains to be seen! Anyways,
Dana White has apparently really taken this to heart, and next month at UFC 92, the card will feature a *first ever* ULTIMATE
PIZZA EATING CONTEST between Mir and Nogueira where Nog will ingest too much and puke on Mir and hilarity will ensue! Then
Joe Rogen will come out in a THONG and dance, and BJ Penn will dump liquid shit on Dana White from the stage and be all like
“I’ve got two words for you: Fellatio!” And then a shit-covered Dana will say “that’s actually
just one word,” and everyone will laugh and laugh and four people will buy UFC 93. ULTIMATE ENTERTAINMENT!!!1111
-Ted DiBiase jr is currently filming in Marine 2: MARINIER. That’s right,
Randy Orton’s kick to the skull lead to the bright lights of Hollywood! Who’d have thunk it? And to think every
time I get kicked in the skull I just get brain damage and involuntarily shit myself then die! He truly is special. And alive.
Anyways, the big rumour I’ve heard is that he can thank his Dad Ted Dibiase
Jr. Senior, for getting him the part! His dad was all up in that Producer’s office yelling “everyone has a price
for the Million Dollar man!” and then the producers were all like “You do know that a million dollars isn’t
that much money anymore!” And then Ted was like “I don’t believe that!” then he accidentally tore
off his 30 dollar cellophane money suit on the corner of the desk and it was awkward for everybody. But guess what, he still
got the part! And the best part? His uniform comes equipped with a standard military issue grenade belt made of Gold &
Diamonds! AWESOME.
- You know, Manu is not really that bad when you think about it. You have the ‘Ma”
which is good. And you have the “nu” which is also good. Ma-nu. It’s really not too bad.
Speaking of which, I’m thinking it’s time for Samoa to purchase a new
communal Dryer for their country! It’s bad enough no one ever has shoes there, but why does every pair of tights in
that country end at the knees?! What gives? Anarchy!!!111
-This just in: Lance Cade is still fired. If only he had the good sense
to overdose in the privacy of his Hotel Room like everyone else, instead of a plane, he’d either be dead or still employed.
Silly Lance. He definitely needs a lesson in how these things are done. This is no time to be a Maverick, Lance! Have some
respect for the business and those who nearly died in secret before you!
-Fun Fact to make you like Baker’s dozen time’s smarter!: Did
you know that Undertaker starts angrily taping up his penis every time Michelle McCool doesn’t do the “job”
in the boudoir? It’s true!
Speaking of Undertaker; The Office has finally decided on a name for that “Devastating
submission maneuver” the goinggoinggoneplataofnachos. It’s now called either the “Devil’s Triangle”
or “Hell’s Gate”. But considering it’s so close to Undertaker’s penile region, I think that’s
one gate I’d like to keep locked, amirite? Exactly. So, ya, that’s the names. But hey, did you know
the actual Brazilian name “Gogoplata” translates to : “A little lower and I see a Divas Title reign in your
future!” Of course that translation is just loose. Kinda like someone else who I won’t mention is Michelle McCool!
Intrigue!!!11
-John Cena has returned! Already! Hey, why not? He was like totally stabbed by
Jesus once, remember? (right before he preached atop the Mount of Olive-colored nipple-high pants). What we didn’t know
until this very moment is that apparently Jesus used the SPEAR OF DESTINY on Cena in that club! True fact! And like that’s
how Cena totally recovers fast now from death or injury even! And it doesn’t stop there! He can even now perform miracles
(Like making Great Khali look mobile! EVEN!).
-Special Delivery Jones died! Oh noes! I wonder if they stuck a tag on his casket
that said “Return to Sender?” Maybe? Anyways, since WWE didn’t give him his proper tribute, I took the liberty
in honour of his career of giving him a 9 second bell salute. Only it was really like 23 seconds but no one noticed!
Killer Kowalski also died. So, yes, finally, Justice! Imagine,
a proud murderer wandering around freely with no consequences? Does no one feel for the family of Yukon Eric’s ear?
Anyways, as it turned out Triple H paid for the funeral (And why not! This is hardly his first burial!) and even insisted
on being a Paul Bearer! IT’S TRUE. He even died his hair black and grew a swank mustache to boot-- even though it can’t
‘cause it’s only a mustache and doesn’t have feet. The only thing he didn’t have was the Urn. If only.
If he did he could have used it to bring Killer back to life! That’s how they work! Some people will tell you that Urns
are merely receptacles for the remains of our loved ones, but those people just don’t know about all the DARKSIDE MAGIC!!!!!
- Apparently Big Vito has decided to trade in his dress for shoot fighting gloves
in the world of MMA! So, if you thought Orks were badass when they had cross bows and such, try some jujitsu on for size!
( only not literally. It’s a martial arts discipline, not a suit! IF ONLY!)
-Mr. Kennedy is back! And he has a new movie (Behind Enemy Lines: COLOMBIA) available
at the bottom of that bin at Walmart where Weekend at Bernie’s 2 and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol are! So, what
are you waiting for? There’s like only every single one of them still available! Don’t waste anymore time! They
could be gone, eventually.
Speaking of this movie --which has already broke the previous Box-Office record
of zero dollars set by The Condemned-- I recently conducted a super-secret investigation and consulted my sources (Plus, I
read the DVD sleeve) to find out the plot, and it turns out the movie is about a guy with a lot of promise who comes very
close to accomplishing his goal, only to fuck it all up and get stuck somewhere that he tries desperately to escape from to
no avail. I for one hope Ken can pull off this role! It’ll be tough, but I’m sure if anyone can make it believable,
it’s him!
-TNA has invited Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to the PPV, where they will induct
her into the Beautiful People in exchange for a cheque, a map of Africa, and an erotic massage by Kute Kip James. Originally,
powers that be wanted to bring in outgoing President George Bush, and even thought of inducting him into a group they’d
call “The Really Stupid People”, but then Dutch Mantel was all like “are we sure we actually want him
on the Creative Team!?” and it fell through. Oh well.
-Turns out Dolph Ziggler’s gimmick is supposed to be an insincere guy with
a huge penis who awkwardly introduces himself to people. Wow. There’s more than one of us?!!!
- In case you haven’t noticed, The Animal Batista is starting to turn BAD.
And I don’t think I have to tell you what that means for Animals! Ask Old Yeller (Who was superkicked and mercifully
killed by HBK!). Good luck fitting Batista’s body in a shoe-box in your backyard, though!
-Samoa Joe was recently heard yelling “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for
20 years now, can’t I just be called "Joe" now?!!!” and TNA was like “No.” It was sad.
-Tomko has signed a new WWE deal apparently. The Problem Solver is coming
back! It’s true! And I say, why not? He solved his last problem easily. He even concocted this really awesome formula
explaining it in great detail, with graphs and charts, and then it just turned out the answer was “Stop sucking
and learn how to wrestle.” Welcome back, Tyson!
-WWE released a bunch of people. They didn’t say from where.
-This just in: no matter how many times wrestlers have tried to apologize, the
Steel Cage still remains unforgiving. One guy even tried to buy it a present to heal the rift, but the Cage was heard
saying “It’s too late. You know what you did. And now you’re going to have to live with it!”
-Jeff Hardy was found unconscious in a Stairwell at his Hotel. Foul play was involved.
Or Fowl Play. Terry Taylor and Hector Guerrero are currently being sought for questioning/ cooking. More on this as it develops.
- The reason MVP is losing so much is because he generates a lot of heat backstage.
Apparently, he carries around a little furnace in lieu of the sudden change of weather and this doesn’t sit well with
people because of the economy woes! Weird!
-Scott Hall recently tried to commit Suicide. You know, that guy from TNA. He tried
to institutionalize him for his own good. His cries of “it’s really me, Frankie Kazarian under a mask” apparently
fell on deaf ears. Oh well.
- Speaking if insanity, you’ll be happy to know that Super Crazy recently
changed his medication. He’s now known as “ Just Kinda Crazy But Definitely Getting Better.”
-Mike Knox is currently being compared to Bruiser Brody. Only alive. I’d
suggest he stay out of the showers, just to be safe; but judging by his beard, he’s already heeding my warnings! The
scuttlebutt (haha, butt) is that his new ringname will be Bruisiest Brody, ‘cause he’s just that much better.
Time will tell!
-As Edge found out, apparently there’s no shaving gel or razors in Hell!
That’s why Satan always has a goatee. Truth is, though, Edge really wasn’t in Hell but trapped on a deserted Island
for 3 months! It’s true. His only friend was a shapeless ball with a face. He called it Vickie, because, well, she kind
of fits the same description. I’m glad he’s back, though!
-TNA has finally came up with a brand new name for their group of guys to be pinned
every week: THE TNA FRONTLINE. YES. I like it. Those are usually the guys in battle who get killed first,
so it all makes sense! Anyways, they were originally going to be called “TNA guys who lose every week and never
get over even though half the other guys they’re fighting will prolly be back in WWE this time next year and they'll
still be stuck here” but they couldn’t fit it all on a T-Shirt. (Except Samoa Joe’s. Weird.).
- And speaking of them, Rhino of all people is now leading the charge! Literally!
‘Cause, you know he’s a rhino and they charge, you see. He was pretty pissed about what’s going on in TNA
and said it reminded him of the old ECW; a place that he loved so much that he set their belt on fire two
years ago. Or something.
-The Main Event Mafia are really picking up steam in TNA these days. It’s
about time someone gives these guys a break and starts putting them over!
And speaking of the Mafia name, apparently Vince Russo wants to introduce more
actual Mafia-style gimmicks to their acts (The Rock & Rave Infection are currently being thrown off bridges in a series
of bowling ball bags). In fact, at last week’s tapings, Booker T. said to Kevin Nash backstage after his match, “I
liked the way you wrestled in those cement overshoes out there” And Nash was “I did?” Then it was just awkward
for everybody. Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, Christian Cage is currently in Witness Relocation until he can
testify against Sting et al. It’s true! The Government has been building a HUGE RICO case for months. And once Rico gets there, watch out!
- Have you ever noticed that Stephanie McMahon never gets shot below the waist
on TV? And not just because her titties are some 48 inches long neither. Turns out, during her bigtime pregnancy, she
was the first ever recipient of a “Z-section" (22 bigger than C) and as a result she had to have the whole
lower half of her torso removed so they could actually pull out the inherited features, forehead and ego of the
father from her womb! All 3000 pounds of it! It's said that she of course only agreed to this procedure so she could
finally eat whatever she wanted and just have it just fall out the bottom. Makes total sense to me. I'd still have
sex with her, though. (Can't miss that hole!~!!!!)
-According to my secret source, Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi who wishes to remain
anonymous, WWE “Superstars” are apparently now known as “Entertainers”. Jazz hands and/or top hat/monocle
combos are also encouraged. In a related note, in retaliation, Cedric The Entertainer has apparently changed his name
to Cedric the Wrestler, pending a lawsuit. If successful, he hopes to remove all “Entertainment” from WWE altogether.
However, Vince’s attorney Jerry McDevitt has counter-argued that Vince himself already did, submitting 2002-2008
WWE programming as Exhibit A. Interesting developments are definitely afoot! But it’s not talking, because, well, it’s
a foot.
-Vince is apparently pissed off at Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling,
stating that no one involved will ever work in this business again. So, Brian Knobs dreams of becoming WWE Champion are thus
dashed. What a shame. He was like THIS close!
Also, a cease and desist letter was sent to Brutus Beefcake, demanding he stop
calling himself Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, and to stop any and all struttin’ in addition to cuttin’
post haste. I personally blame Vince’s haircut for the disdain. He holds ill will to Brutus on the account of his haircutting
prowess, and the bad memories conjured up by his own haircut at Wrestlemania 24. Or maybe it’s just because he
didn’t get awakened that night by a huge stomp to the neck first! All the reputable barbers do it! The trick is
trusting them to choke you into unconsciousness first! (I've only been discreetly raped once so far!)
Oh, and they also fired Jimmy Hart, and told him he would be no longer needed to
work the road. Which is a job they should have a construction guy doing anyway! Or Hulk Hogan even. He did after all build
the entire industry by himself!!! He's awesome with Tools! (not Nick Hogan).
-In a recent interview, Michael P.S. Hayes went on record stating that he’s
learned his lesson, and he’ll never ever insult another nigger again. Good for him! Prejudice is the worst kind of Racism!
According to JR, Jack Swagger never lost one street fight while in University.
Which begs the question, HOW TOUGH ARE SCHOOLS IN THE U.S. TO WHERE BRAWLS ARE BREAKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSES???!!!1111
I means, one minute you’re doing the Calculus, and then bam, broken beer bottle over the head! RIDICACOCKOULOUS!!!!!!11111
-Just what are the consequences of Creed anyways? Winning every
single match you have with him? Those are some ramerpercussions I can live with (but not spell!!!!).
-Trish Stratus has apparently opened up her own Yoga studio. At first, I read it
as “yogurt” and was kinda happy, ‘cause I’ve been making yogurt to Trish for YEARS!!!! Way to end
the dream, Trish! Boo!
-Expect the Central American Champion to come out of the woodwork soon and stake
his claim at the validity of WWE’s claims that they unified both the North & South American Titles almost 30 years
ago! Then the big re-unification match will be booked for Rio Di Janeiro, but the cameras will miss it all AGAIN. TRAGIC!
Someone get some cameras to Brazil that actually work! How much longer must we miss history?!!!
-The reason R-Truth
has been de-pushed lately is ‘cause he’s apparently restarted his badmouthing of John Cena, even going so far
as to say “You can’t see me!” to Cena! Then Cena answered, “Well, maybe if you wore something other
than dark pants out there that wouldn’t be the case.” And it almost came to blows. But thankfully, both men put
their pants back on and remembered they weren't faggots! Lucky us! More on this breaking story as it doesn’t
develop!
Before I leave you for a night of swimming through my vault of Gold-doubloons
as per other rich person standards (I've currently invested my remaining moneys in the lucrative Auto Industry, so I feel
that I will be recession proof), let me give you a couple of quick updates! The YEAR END AWARDS ARE COMING!~!~! So, remember,
refrain from previous years flagrant faggotry and VOTE CORRECTLY this time. A vote for the evil sean Carless and his faggoty
mop of hair or anyone other than your pal the Baconman is a vote for Child Molestation and evil. I think. Oh, and next
time I join yous in the new year, we will finally INDUCT NEW MEMBERS (not penises) into the prestigious BACON HALL
OF FAME. But first, for your benefit I have supplied the current Inductees into its hollowed halls (I just dug them
myself this week!)
See you soon
VOTE BACON OR BE A FAGGOT.
Consider this Bacon brought!
-CB
BACON HALL OF FAME
PREVIOUS INDUCTEES
2006!
Mark Henry- He’s SO GOOD at what he does in the ring that he makes you
forget that wrestling is supposed to be all about athleticism and believability. That’s talent! Plus, he can squash
APPLES with his bare hands (bear hands?) which I imagine makes him none too popular in the produce aisle. Just saying.
My only problem though with Mark, is prolly his hygiene.
I mean, why would they call him the “World’s Strongest Man” if not for an obvious body odor problem? I means,
he even used to mention his “stank” all the time which can’t be good. Plus, I’ve heard almost every
writer online when reviewing his matches saying that he completely stinks, so my theory HAS to be true.
But anyway, Stinky pits or not, Mark Henry takes his
place amongst the Elite. I’d follow his AWESOME example and tear my phone book in half too, but that’s where I
keep all my phone numbers.
Koko B. Ware- For YEARS, Koko used to encourage
us all to “do the bird”, but I always found it preposterous. I mean, how would you ever fit your dink into its
tiny bum? Impossible. Even for someone with a lean penile like myself.
Anyways, when you discount his incessant pushing to
perform bestiality on God’s winged creatures, he was an accomplished wrestler. In fact he racked up an almost Goldberg
streak in wrestling… If Goldberg had lost all his matches instead of won them1!!! He also had a cool finisher with the
Ghostbuster. I was somewhat sad that it didn’t involve the proton pack and ghost trap follow up you’d expect with
such a hold but whatever. Still though, If Koko had just sucked Butch Reed into the trap he’d have got the duke at Wrestlemania
3, and Butch would knee deep in Ectoplasm right now in the containment unit. If only.
Koko was also cool because he wore one white glove
just like Michael Jackson. Only he didn’t abuse children like the King of Pop. But that’s something I never understood.
Why would you complain about being violated if you had a ball pit to play in, Pirate costumes to wear, and LLAMAS to ride?!
That’s a good host. I mean, so what if he fondled you? When you ever going to get to ride llamas again? It’s a
fair trade off, I’d think. I mean, really. LLAMAS. Am I the only one who sees this??!!!
Anyways, congratulations to Koko. Your pestering of
me on the My Space site has finally paid off. Now go buy a pet that’s not flammable. Or maybe a LLAMA! You won’t
be sorry you did!
Moses: That’s right, the emancipator of the Jews! The Jews were slaves in Egypt
for years until Moses came along and freed them from bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians were into kinky S&
M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have been too pleased to lose such a reputable and hardworking workforce, that’s for
sure. I mean, Black people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t remember y’all BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score
one for the Hebes!
Mr. Hughes- I have put over the awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not
finally officially induct him?
Most
black dudes who wear sunglasses all the time are blind, but not Mr. Hughes… unless he did a real great job of hiding
it! Mr. Hughes started out as Lex Luger’s bodyguard then he went to the WWF where he stole undertaker’s urn, before
getting fired for cocaine, which prolly explains the sunglasses. Perfect way to cover up those coked out eyes fer sure!
Mr. Hughes came back to wwf in 1999 all sober and
such and acted as Chris Jericho’s bodyguard. He still wore the glasses but this time he wore some faggoty assed disco
shirt instead of the shirt and tie… which obviously proved me wrong… HE WAS BLIND. No one with functioning eyes
would willfully wear this shirt. And for a blind guy he sure could move in that ring. And while he coulda begged for money
like other blind people (Come on, how hard is it to see, really?!!) he chose to unleash big side walk slams, and all without
the aid of a dog or telescopic walking stick. AWESOME. Most other blind guys just play a piano, but not Hughes, he had
real talent. (I don’t think I need to tell you how complicated a body slam is even with eye sight!). Anyways, they fired
Mr. Hughes soon after, and he didn’t see it coming. (prolly cause he was blind). It was a sad day for wrestling fans
but not really.
Anyways, congrats to Mr. Hughes. It doesn’t
take a blind man (hahahaha) to see your talent and this is well deserved. Now get back on the spank and bring back the REAL
Mr. Hughes. Cocaine never hurt anybody important.
Warlord- Another inductee DUE for this was another man I’ve put over as the
third coming of Christ, the Mighty Warlord. He was a big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that
looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada! Only instead of eating seals Warlord chose
to hook on the full nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever!!! And in the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot.
Personally I’m convinced that Warlord’s full nelson destroyed the British bulldog’s life and eventually
caused him to die. It was that cool!
Anyways, tragedy struck Warlord eventually when he
was run over by a PIZZA TRUCK. Warlord was severely injured but the pie got there on time, and that’s the important
thing.
So congratulations, Warlord! And btw, you used to
always carry around a wand with a big “W” on it, but never told us what it stood for. Oh well. Some mysteries
will never be solved, I guess.
Dusty Rhodes- He’s the American Dream, but he never told us what
dream that was. I hope it wasn’t the one where you go to school and realize you forgot your pants. I always hated that
one.
My favourite thing about Dusty is how realistic looking
he is. I mean he’s a perfect knock off of a real life flesh and blood person. To look at him, you’d never ever
know he was really a CYBORG. I mean a bionic elbow? It all makes sense now! And it also explains how he could bleed so much
and not die. He has an internal metallic endoskeleton chasse! Now let’s just hope the government computers don’t
get self-aware, or Dusty just might hunt us all down and finish off Humanity with a series of intricate elbow smashes. He
can’t be reasoned with! And he absolutely will not stop eating until you are dead, if you weel.
Operation: I have this game to thank for everything I know about the medicular field.
Because of its precision, I’m confident I could perform many complicated surgeries, without wasting tens of thousands
on useless medical school. In fact, if any of yous guys ever need a huge oblong bone pulled from your abdomen without getting
electrocuted, I’m definitely your man!
Undertaker: And finally, we have The Undertaker. Most real life
boring Undertaker’s spend their time elbow deep in bodily organs, and never experience the full experience of undertakering,
including stuffing live people into caskets and of course practicing the DARK SIDE MAGIC. I once dared an Undertaker to give
me the electric death from his finger tips, but NOTHING happened. Heck, I even blindsided him, threw him in one of his caskets,
chopped holes in it with pick axe and set it on fore with gasoline, and HE JUST BURNED TO DEATH. No mysterious escapes, no
bigtime back from the dead returns. I mean, what kind of Undertaker was this guy? WEIRD.
Still though, I partially gave Undertaker this award
now (after all he still is only in the formative years of his caeer) because of a recent incident. Apparently Undertaker almost
contracted GINGIVITIS at Armageddon from Cowboy Bob Orton, and no one told Undertaker of Bob’s diseased gums~! Ridiculous.
Apparently Bob Orton didn’t practice proper oral hygiene and contracted the evil Gingivitis when he was teenager! And
I believe it too. After all, look at how bad he took care of that busted arm of his! (he wore a cast for 20 years!) Just imagine
what his teeth must be like!!!! And to someone with a glorious white smile like the Deadman, this had to be devastating. I
mean, imagine if Undertaker had to take time out of not putting anyone over to go see the dentist? Someone might get a push
that deserves an opportunity, and I as a wrestling fan just can’t stand for that.
So, congratulations to Undertaker for being the last
inductee for 2006, and good luck with your gums. I’ll pay tribute to your accomplishments by drawing power from my grampa’s
urn sitting on our mantle. (I can’t seem to derive anything from it thus far though. Am I doing something wrong? And
when does it become filled with swirling light and darkside magic? Right now it’s all ashes and what appears to be the
wingtip of my Grampa’s cobbled shoes. Not good.).
Class of 2005
Steve McMichael: First inductee is Steve McMichael who brought CREDIBILITY to the
sport as he made a smooth transition from professional football to unprofessional wrestling, as he traded in his pads
and helmet for some shiny black underwear and some knee pads. Someone told me he played with the Bears but I don't see how
that's possible. First, I doubt Bears have the dexterity to play football, and besides he'd surely be mauled by those
bears thats fer sure. But if he did, I highly doubt it was grizzlies cause he'd be dead now and we'd have never seen what
he could do in a ring and that woulda been unfortunate.
Anyways, he used to hurt people for real all the time and I don’t
think I need to tell you that means he was a GREAT wrestler. They called him Mongo which I think is short for mongoloid. This
surprised me as I really had no idea that Steve was disabled (although the round fat-face and swollen eyes did kinda
give it away). Anyways, Mongo was a credit to his mongoloid heritage and would make fellow mongoloid and Warrior Genghis Khan
very proud! (who’d have thought that a country full of people with Down's Syndrome could conquer half the known world!).
So, here’s to Steve Mongoloid McMichael! Mongoloids may only have a shelf life of about 30 years, but you’ll
always live on in the Bacon Hall of Fame!
Kronik: A double entry here as both members get in. Kronik was a big time awesome
tag team featuring two really great wrestlers in Brian Clarke and Brian Adams. Clarke once wrestled under his real name of
Adam Bomb in the WWF where they said he was radiated on three mile Island. This gave him big time size and strength and
left him with yellow eyes. The rest of the people there just got radiation poisoning and cancer so Adam definitely lucked
out. Brian Adams was known as Crush in the WWF because he liked to squish things for no reason ( me too!) He was also a HUGE
pop music supserstar under his real name, belting out among other things the Robin Hood theme song in 1991 that still makes
me cry when I hear it. Anyways, they got together in WCW and called themselves Kronik although I have no idea why. Personally,
I always thought they meant Kronik pain, because as my uncle once said they were really painful to watch in the ring which
is a compliment I’m sure. My Friend Julius tried to tell me once that it had something to do with drugs but that
can’t be. You can tell just by looking at him that Crush has never touched a drug in his life.
Giant Gonzalez: if you read my first ever column you'd see why he deserves to be
inducted. He’s a real life LEGIT Giant and that’s good enough for me. (I mean his mom wouldn’t have given
him the first name Giant if he wasn’t gonna grow up to be real tall).
Anyways, Giant Gonzalez was easily the
best giant ever if only because he wore a fur suit. This alone makes him better than Andre who never had the luxury of wearing
a pelt of any kind whatsoever. And it’s too bad too, 'cause I’m sure that’s what really killed him. Winters
in the French Alps can be pretty unforgiving I’d assume, and a plaid sports coat prolly wouldn’t cut it. (And
I know this well being from Sakatchewan and all, as I got frost bite bad one time and had to have my head amputated.)
Superfly Jimmy Snuka: Jimmy is already in the WWF Hall of Fame so this another big
time accolade for him! Anyways some people on this site (who have sleazy French moustaches) will tell you that Superfly
is a murderer, but it’s all LIES. There’s just no way Jimmy could ever kill his girlfriend. A thunderous
heabutt? Maybe. A leapfrog and double chop to the esophagus? Most likely. But the death? I really doubt it. Heck, I doubt
he’d even peel off a full superfly splash. But if he did kill her in warm blood as everyone claims, maybe he
had his reasons. You know how couples are. Maybe she shrunk his tiger underwear or smashed some sort of exotic fruit over
his head? (he seems to really hate this). Heck, maybe she was just a nag. “All you want to do is dive off cliffs
and splash people! You don’t have time for me anymore!” You know that same old argument. But whatever. So what
if he killed a defenseless woman? He was still real good at Cage matches and that’s all that matters.
Mabel: Today people know him as Viscera but to me he’ll always be Mabel, one
half of maybe the most athletic team EVER, Men on a Mission! Heck, I even wanted to buy a giant pair of spandex purple mock
overalls like his but I was never able to find them at Walmart. As a result ,I had to try and make them out of my mom’s
bed spread but my sewing was a little questionable and I made a few tailoring mistakes and my dink would fall out a lot. Not
good.
Anyways, Mabel was a master of the psychologocological
warfare in the ring and would confuse his opponents by sweating a lot. To the untrained eye it would seem like he was just
in incredibly poor shape but that was his GAME. Just when youd least expected it he'd get his 2nd wind and kinda
flop on top of you for the win. Wow. Talk about good strategy. It was kinda like Muhammad Ali’s rope-a-dope only Mabel
didn’t have the shaky Parkinsons.
Crocodile Mile: You run, you slide, you hit the bump, you take a dive! This is not
a wrestler sure, but it’s BETTER. Its crocodile mile which to you American turds is prolly best known as “slip
and slide.” I like ours better. At least it’s named after a dangerous animal (even if it should have been a moose)
instead of something that sounds so faggoty. ( slip and slide…into your asshole!) Anyways, this great wet tarp of my
childhood brought me countless hours of fun and delight and I’m not ashamed to say I even had my first sexual encounter
with one of the hose holes. Anyways, I thought it’d be fun last weekend to break out the old Crocodile Mile outta the
shed and give’er. Unfortunately though, it’s still the dead of winter here in Canada and the water froze
creating a slick death trap and the iciclespretty much cut Madison from chin
to balls. It was kinda hilarious though. Stupid fat Madison.
The Patriot: Normally I’d never induct anything to do with yous filthy Americans but Patriot
has earned my respect. I also loved his finishers The Uncle Slam (I wish my uncle was named something cool like that) and
The Patriot Missile which impressed your government SO MUCH that I'm convinced your armed forces eventually
named a missile after it!
Anyways, Patriot’s biggest claim
to fame is when President George Bush made the Patriot act which I’d assume has Del Wilkes himself going door to door
looking for terrorists and slamming them from a Full Nelson position. That’s a plan we can all get behind I think.
Yanni: And as for my celebrity wing: I present Yanni. International music superstar!!!!
Yanni’s music speaks to my soul and I’ve pretty much patterned much of my life after this timeless music Icon.
(I even have a pretty swank moustache and hair helmet brewing) The outpour of love for Yanni is not just limited to God’s
country of Saskatchewan but all the way to Yanni’s native Greece where he once sold out the famed Papadopoulos
(which was prolly named after Emanuel Lewis’ dad George on Webster.)
Anyways, the only strike on Yanni would
be that his people invented butt fucking, but I won’t hold that against him. After all, they do make the absolute best
Submarine sandwiches on the planet; so from where I stand, melodious new age music and three slices of delicious smoked turkey
on a zesty garlic bun > putting your dink in someone's ass, and thus earns Yanni a spot in the Hall Of Fame!!
Canadian Bacon: Who else would it be!? And don’t think I haven’t earned
it either! Not only am I the newest TOP GUY on the internet, but I’m also the most inside guy you’ll ever meet
(I once knew a guy who split a cab to the airport with Bad News Allen, so I think I know what I'm talking about.)
So, I’ll take this honour and honour it with honour. Afterall I was ROBBED of the Golden Tenay (4 TIMES NOW!!!!!!)
BACON 
BACON HALL OF FAME
Mark Henry- He’s SO GOOD at what he does in the ring that he makes you
forget that wrestling is supposed to be all about athleticism and believability. That’s talent! Plus, he can squash
APPLES with his bare hands (bear hands?) which I imagine makes him none too popular in the produce aisle. Just saying.
Koko B. Ware- For YEARS, Koko used to encourage
us all to “do the bird”, but I always found it preposterous. I mean, how would you ever fit your dink into its
tiny bum? Impossible. Even for someone with a lean penile like myself. 
Moses: That’s right, the emancipator of the Jews! The Jews were slaves in Egypt
for years until Moses came along and freed them from bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians were into kinky S&
M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have been too pleased to lose such a reputable and hardworking workforce, that’s for
sure. I mean, Black people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t remember y’all BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score
one for the Hebes!
Mr. Hughes- I have put over the awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not
finally officially induct him?
Warlord- Another inductee DUE for this was another man I’ve put over as the
third coming of Christ, the Mighty Warlord. He was a big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that
looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada! Only instead of eating seals Warlord chose
to hook on the full nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever!!! And in the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot.
Personally I’m convinced that Warlord’s full nelson destroyed the British bulldog’s life and eventually
caused him to die. It was that cool!
Operation: I have this game to thank for everything I know about the medicular field.
Because of its precision, I’m confident I could perform many complicated surgeries, without wasting tens of thousands
on useless medical school. In fact, if any of yous guys ever need a huge oblong bone pulled from your abdomen without getting
electrocuted, I’m definitely your man!
Steve McMichael: First inductee is Steve McMichael who brought CREDIBILITY to the
sport as he made a smooth transition from professional football to unprofessional wrestling, as he traded in his pads
and helmet for some shiny black underwear and some knee pads. Someone told me he played with the Bears but I don't see how
that's possible. First, I doubt Bears have the dexterity to play football, and besides he'd surely be mauled by those
bears thats fer sure. But if he did, I highly doubt it was grizzlies cause he'd be dead now and we'd have never seen what
he could do in a ring and that woulda been unfortunate.
Kronik: A double entry here as both members get in. Kronik was a big time awesome
tag team featuring two really great wrestlers in Brian Clarke and Brian Adams. Clarke once wrestled under his real name of
Adam Bomb in the WWF where they said he was radiated on three mile Island. This gave him big time size and strength and
left him with yellow eyes. The rest of the people there just got radiation poisoning and cancer so Adam definitely lucked
out. Brian Adams was known as Crush in the WWF because he liked to squish things for no reason ( me too!) He was also a HUGE
pop music supserstar under his real name, belting out among other things the Robin Hood theme song in 1991 that still makes
me cry when I hear it. Anyways, they got together in WCW and called themselves Kronik although I have no idea why. Personally,
I always thought they meant Kronik pain, because as my uncle once said they were really painful to watch in the ring which
is a compliment I’m sure. My Friend Julius tried to tell me once that it had something to do with drugs but that
can’t be. You can tell just by looking at him that Crush has never touched a drug in his life.
Giant Gonzalez: if you read my first ever column you'd see why he deserves to be
inducted. He’s a real life LEGIT Giant and that’s good enough for me. (I mean his mom wouldn’t have given
him the first name Giant if he wasn’t gonna grow up to be real tall).
Superfly Jimmy Snuka: Jimmy is already in the WWF Hall of Fame so this another big
time accolade for him! Anyways some people on this site (who have sleazy French moustaches) will tell you that Superfly
is a murderer, but it’s all LIES. There’s just no way Jimmy could ever kill his girlfriend. A thunderous
heabutt? Maybe. A leapfrog and double chop to the esophagus? Most likely. But the death? I really doubt it. Heck, I doubt
he’d even peel off a full superfly splash. But if he did kill her in warm blood as everyone claims, maybe he
had his reasons. You know how couples are. Maybe she shrunk his tiger underwear or smashed some sort of exotic fruit over
his head? (he seems to really hate this). Heck, maybe she was just a nag. “All you want to do is dive off cliffs
and splash people! You don’t have time for me anymore!” You know that same old argument. But whatever. So what
if he killed a defenseless woman? He was still real good at Cage matches and that’s all that matters.
Mabel: Today people know him as Viscera but to me he’ll always be Mabel, one
half of maybe the most athletic team EVER, Men on a Mission! Heck, I even wanted to buy a giant pair of spandex purple mock
overalls like his but I was never able to find them at Walmart. As a result ,I had to try and make them out of my mom’s
bed spread but my sewing was a little questionable and I made a few tailoring mistakes and my dink would fall out a lot. Not
good.
Crocodile Mile: You run, you slide, you hit the bump, you take a dive! This is not
a wrestler sure, but it’s BETTER. Its crocodile mile which to you American turds is prolly best known as “slip
and slide.” I like ours better. At least it’s named after a dangerous animal (even if it should have been a moose)
instead of something that sounds so faggoty. ( slip and slide…into your asshole!) Anyways, this great wet tarp of my
childhood brought me countless hours of fun and delight and I’m not ashamed to say I even had my first sexual encounter
with one of the hose holes. Anyways, I thought it’d be fun last weekend to break out the old Crocodile Mile outta the
shed and give’er. Unfortunately though, it’s still the dead of winter here in Canada and the water froze
creating a slick death trap and the icicles
The Patriot: Normally I’d never induct anything to do with yous filthy Americans but Patriot
has earned my respect. I also loved his finishers The Uncle Slam (I wish my uncle was named something cool like that) and
The Patriot Missile which impressed your government SO MUCH that I'm convinced your armed forces eventually
named a missile after it!
Yanni: And as for my celebrity wing: I present Yanni. International music superstar!!!!
Yanni’s music speaks to my soul and I’ve pretty much patterned much of my life after this timeless music Icon.
(I even have a pretty swank moustache and hair helmet brewing) The outpour of love for Yanni is not just limited to God’s
country of Saskatchewan but all the way to Yanni’s native Greece where he once sold out the famed Papadopoulos
(which was prolly named after Emanuel Lewis’ dad George on Webster.) 
Canadian Bacon: Who else would it be!? And don’t think I haven’t earned
it either! Not only am I the newest TOP GUY on the internet, but I’m also the most inside guy you’ll ever meet
(I once knew a guy who split a cab to the airport with Bad News Allen, so I think I know what I'm talking about.)
So, I’ll take this honour and honour it with honour. Afterall I was ROBBED of the Golden Tenay (4 TIMES NOW!!!!!!)