Hey
there, Baconfans it is I, your favourite writer in the
ever and the man thrice voted "Bestest
Insidey Insider I’ve never read in my
life" by the Dave Meltzer himself, Me, Canadian
Bacon—Or as I’m known by my Christian name, Jesus. It’s
true!!!11
Anyways, I knows its been like
years since I last had the bigtime opportunity to be
awesome with you, and as such some of yous may not
even be familiar with my extensive expertise in
Writery dealing with glorious oiled musclemen. So, I’ll
give you the quick 411. I’m the best. When Dave Meltzer
or Bryan Alvaroni needs bigtime info and such they ring
up the Baconman, and get the real scoops on the stars
because I gots news for you all, if I was anymore
inside, I’d be playing Babaloo on Vince McMahon’s lower
intestines!!!!111 It’s true! In fact, you know
that infamous entry on the wikipedia about Chris
Benoit murdering his family and wife and child even that
was posted a day before anyone knew about the murders?
And how everyone was like “How could anyone have
known that before it was ever released?" And how people
were like “Someone with that much information
just HAD to be on the scene?” Well, I was one of
these people asking this. So, don’t doubt my infinite
credentials on all things wrestling!111 (I once knew a
guy who sold Killer Khan a bite-sized Baby
Ruth chocolate bar at an Airport chip-stand in 1987
one week before the Survivor Series, so I AM THE REAL
DEAL.).
Anyways, before we get to the
newsiness and I give you an early Christmas (named in
honor of the man who coined the holiday, William
Christmas in 1944) present—THE GIFT OF THE KNOWLEDGE—let
us first discuss its preceding holiday, FAKE
THANKSGIVING!!!!111 That’s right, anybody who’s anybody
who’s me knows that the real Thanksgiving happens in
October in God’s country of Canada-- the northern most
point of importance in the universe and the closest
geographical proximity to heaven, and as such, it’s just
a stones throw to give him his proper thanks. It’s true.
So, ya, I hope you all enjoyed your fake thanksgiving
and thought back to the first one when the pilgrims
landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia and then killed the
Indians. Just think, if the Indians weren’t such
pussies, we’d all be speaking Indian today and living in
Tents. So, thanks Americans for your genocide. It was a
nice gesture! And see you all tomorrow on Black
Friday, named in honour of all the black people throwing
Jimmy elbows at the stores trying to get to the
discounted pork rinds. It’s just sad. And Hilarious!!!
Onto the
Réport!!!1111
BACON RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO
WANTS TO KNOW STUFF
(11/28/08)
Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to
have an awesome feature called the "Ross Report" where
he tackled the biggest issues of the sport. Issues like
spicy hickory Barbecue sauce, what appliances best
resemble the varying limbs of the Big Show and what
fruit could fit inside his rings, and of course how you
should build up your upperbody to really get into the
hunt. You know, the truly important things!!!
Unfortunately though, soon after, Mother Nature reeked
bigtime chaos on his asshole and he had to step down to
get his colon taken care of (As I've said before, he now
has a semi-colon). THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!!11 You see,
I picked up the slack where he left off. So I did what
any really super important Internet legend would do in
that situation: I filled his quota of BIGTIME
INFORMATION. Delivering wrestling newsery with the
intensity of someone like totally intense. It was that
awesome. So here we are! Me back doing what I do best
(besides tucking my balls and junk in my
asshole and tricking people into thinking I'm a sexy
lady!): NEWSINESS AS ONLY I CAN PROVIDE!!!!! Here
we go!!!!11
-Brock Lesnar is the new Ultimate
Fighting Championship Fighting heavyweight Champion of
the Universe! Brock won this honour by beating Randy
Haute Couture who I understand when he’s not fighting is
producing some of the best runway high fashion!
It’s true! Anyways, I was all up in Las Vegas as the
kids are not saying these days, and saw it all
LIVE! Of course, if I wasn't live I’d be
dead and that’d make it really hard! (Although I could
still watch it Heaven ‘cause God still allows MMA up
there, just not WWE! Stupid Backlash 2006!!!!11).
Anyways, as I was saying, I
was there and saw it live, then watched it on PPV also
simultaneously, because I defy logic and time, and I’ll
tell you there was actually some bigtime
discrepancies or differences even! Like, the part where
Brock yelled out “Here comes the Pain!” then said
“Psyche!” and just wrapped his legs around Randy
and rode him like a horse smacking his bum the
whole time! They also cut out the part where he
went to the top of the Octagon for a Shooting Star Press
and yelled “Hopefully it works this time!” And guess
what? IT DID!!!1111 Then he just punched him in the head
and killed him and they gave him the belt, and Sable
turned to embers under the hot lights. It happened just
like that. Except for the lies.
Speaking of the Ultimate Fighting
World (An actual planet found just south of Planet
Stasiak ) WWE released a statement on their bigtime
website where they bashed the UFC shows for their lack
of guaranteed entertainment like WWE’s. Just when and
where they these alleged WWE shows would be available
and such remains to be seen! Anyways, Dana White has
apparently really taken this to heart, and next month at
UFC 92, the card will feature a *first ever* ULTIMATE
PIZZA EATING CONTEST between Mir and Nogueira where Nog
will ingest too much and puke on Mir and hilarity will
ensue! Then Joe Rogen will come out in a THONG and
dance, and BJ Penn will dump liquid shit on Dana White
from the stage and be all like “I’ve got two words for
you: Fellatio!” And then a shit-covered Dana will say
“that’s actually just one word,” and everyone will laugh
and laugh and four people will buy UFC 93. ULTIMATE
ENTERTAINMENT!!!1111
-Ted DiBiase jr is currently
filming in Marine 2: MARINIER. That’s right, Randy
Orton’s kick to the skull lead to the bright lights of
Hollywood! Who’d have thunk it? And to think every time
I get kicked in the skull I just get brain damage and
involuntarily shit myself then die! He truly is special.
And alive.
Anyways, the big rumour I’ve heard
is that he can thank his Dad Ted Dibiase Jr. Senior, for
getting him the part! His dad was all up in that
Producer’s office yelling “everyone has a price for the
Million Dollar man!” and then the producers were all
like “You do know that a million dollars isn’t that much
money anymore!” And then Ted was like “I don’t believe
that!” then he accidentally tore off his 30 dollar
cellophane money suit on the corner of the desk and it
was awkward for everybody. But guess what, he still got
the part! And the best part? His uniform comes equipped
with a standard military issue grenade belt made of Gold
& Diamonds! AWESOME.
- You know, Manu is not really that
bad when you think about it. You have the ‘Ma” which is
good. And you have the “nu” which is also good. Ma-nu.
It’s really not too bad.
Speaking of which, I’m thinking
it’s time for Samoa to purchase a new communal Dryer for
their country! It’s bad enough no one ever has shoes
there, but why does every pair of tights in that country
end at the knees?! What gives?
Anarchy!!!111
-This just in: Lance Cade is still fired. If only he had the
good sense to overdose in the privacy of his Hotel Room
like everyone else, instead of a plane, he’d either be
dead or still employed. Silly Lance. He definitely needs
a lesson in how these things are done. This is no time
to be a Maverick, Lance! Have some respect for the
business and those who nearly died in secret before
you!
-Fun Fact to make you like Baker’s
dozen time’s smarter!: Did you know that
Undertaker starts angrily taping up his penis every time
Michelle McCool doesn’t do the “job” in the boudoir?
It’s true!
Speaking of Undertaker; The Office
has finally decided on a name for that “Devastating
submission maneuver” the
goinggoinggoneplataofnachos. It’s now called either the
“Devil’s Triangle” or “Hell’s Gate”. But considering
it’s so close to Undertaker’s penile region, I think
that’s one gate I’d like to keep locked, amirite?
Exactly. So, ya, that’s the names. But hey,
did you know the actual Brazilian name “Gogoplata”
translates to : “A little lower and I see a Divas Title
reign in your future!” Of course that translation is
just loose. Kinda like someone else who I won’t mention
is Michelle McCool! Intrigue!!!11
-John Cena has returned! Already!
Hey, why not? He was like totally stabbed by Jesus once,
remember? (right before he preached atop the Mount of
Olive-colored nipple-high pants). What we didn’t know
until this very moment is that apparently Jesus used the
SPEAR OF DESTINY on Cena in that club! True fact! And
like that’s how Cena totally recovers fast now from
death or injury even! And it doesn’t stop there! He can
even now perform miracles (Like making Great Khali look
mobile! EVEN!).
-Special Delivery Jones died! Oh
noes! I wonder if they stuck a tag on his casket that
said “Return to Sender?” Maybe? Anyways, since WWE
didn’t give him his proper tribute, I took the liberty
in honour of his career of giving him a 9 second bell
salute. Only it was really like 23 seconds but no one
noticed!
Killer Kowalski also died. So, yes,
finally, Justice! Imagine, a proud murderer wandering
around freely with no consequences? Does no one feel for
the family of Yukon Eric’s ear? Anyways, as it turned
out Triple H paid for the funeral (And why not! This is
hardly his first burial!) and even insisted on being a
Paul Bearer! IT’S TRUE. He even died his hair black and
grew a swank mustache to boot-- even though it can’t
‘cause it’s only a mustache and doesn’t have feet. The
only thing he didn’t have was the Urn. If only. If he
did he could have used it to bring Killer back to life!
That’s how they work! Some people will tell you that
Urns are merely receptacles for the remains of our loved
ones, but those people just don’t know about all the
DARKSIDE MAGIC!!!!!
- Apparently Big Vito has decided
to trade in his dress for shoot fighting gloves in the
world of MMA! So, if you thought Orks were badass when
they had cross bows and such, try some jujitsu on for
size! ( only not literally. It’s a martial arts
discipline, not a suit! IF ONLY!)
-Mr. Kennedy is back! And he has a
new movie (Behind Enemy Lines: COLOMBIA) available at
the bottom of that bin at Walmart where Weekend at
Bernie’s 2 and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol are!
So, what are you waiting for? There’s like only every
single one of them still available! Don’t waste anymore
time! They could be gone,
eventually.
Speaking of this movie --which has
already broke the previous Box-Office record of zero
dollars set by The Condemned-- I recently conducted a
super-secret investigation and consulted my sources
(Plus, I read the DVD sleeve) to find out the plot, and
it turns out the movie is about a guy with a lot of
promise who comes very close to accomplishing his goal,
only to fuck it all up and get stuck somewhere that he
tries desperately to escape from to no avail. I for one
hope Ken can pull off this role! It’ll be tough, but I’m
sure if anyone can make it believable, it’s
him!
-TNA has invited Alaska
Governor Sarah Palin to the PPV, where they will induct
her into the Beautiful People in exchange for a cheque,
a map of Africa, and an erotic massage by Kute Kip
James. Originally, powers that be wanted to bring in
outgoing President George Bush, and even thought of
inducting him into a group they’d call “The Really
Stupid People”, but then Dutch Mantel was all like “are
we sure we actually want him on the Creative
Team!?” and it fell through. Oh
well.
-Turns out Dolph Ziggler’s gimmick
is supposed to be an insincere guy with a huge penis who
awkwardly introduces himself to people. Wow. There’s
more than one of us?!!!
- In case you haven’t noticed, The
Animal Batista is starting to turn BAD. And I don’t
think I have to tell you what that means for Animals!
Ask Old Yeller (Who was superkicked and mercifully
killed by HBK!). Good luck fitting Batista’s body in a
shoe-box in your backyard,
though!
-Samoa Joe was recently heard
yelling “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 20 years now,
can’t I just be called "Joe" now?!!!” and TNA was like
“No.” It was sad.
-Tomko has signed a new WWE deal
apparently. The Problem Solver is coming back!
It’s true! And I say, why not? He solved his last
problem easily. He even concocted this really awesome
formula explaining it in great detail, with graphs
and charts, and then it just turned out the answer
was “Stop sucking and learn how to wrestle.”
Welcome back, Tyson!
-WWE released a bunch of people.
They didn’t say from where.
-This just in: no matter how many
times wrestlers have tried to apologize, the Steel Cage
still remains unforgiving. One guy even tried to buy it
a present to heal the rift, but the Cage was heard
saying “It’s too late. You know what you did. And now
you’re going to have to live with it!”
-Jeff Hardy was found unconscious
in a Stairwell at his Hotel. Foul play was involved. Or
Fowl Play. Terry Taylor and Hector Guerrero are
currently being sought for questioning/ cooking. More on
this as it develops.
- The reason MVP is losing so much
is because he generates a lot of heat backstage.
Apparently, he carries around a little furnace in lieu
of the sudden change of weather and this doesn’t sit
well with people because of the economy woes!
Weird!
-Scott Hall recently tried to
commit Suicide. You know, that guy from TNA. He tried to
institutionalize him for his own good. His cries of
“it’s really me, Frankie Kazarian under a mask”
apparently fell on deaf ears. Oh
well.
- Speaking if insanity, you’ll be
happy to know that Super Crazy recently changed his
medication. He’s now known as “ Just Kinda Crazy But
Definitely Getting Better.”
-Mike Knox is currently being
compared to Bruiser Brody. Only alive. I’d suggest he
stay out of the showers, just to be safe; but judging by
his beard, he’s already heeding my warnings! The
scuttlebutt (haha, butt) is that his new ringname will
be Bruisiest Brody, ‘cause he’s just that much better.
Time will tell!
-As Edge found out, apparently
there’s no shaving gel or razors in Hell! That’s why
Satan always has a goatee. Truth is, though, Edge really
wasn’t in Hell but trapped on a deserted Island for 3
months! It’s true. His only friend was a shapeless ball
with a face. He called it Vickie, because, well, she
kind of fits the same description. I’m glad he’s back,
though!
-TNA has finally came up with a
brand new name for their group of guys to be pinned
every week: THE
TNA FRONTLINE. YES. I like it. Those are usually
the guys in battle who get killed first, so it all makes
sense! Anyways, they were originally going to be called
“TNA guys who lose every week and never get over
even though half the other guys they’re fighting will
prolly be back in WWE this time next year and they'll
still be stuck here” but they couldn’t fit it
all on a T-Shirt. (Except Samoa Joe’s.
Weird.).
- And speaking of them, Rhino of
all people is now leading the charge! Literally! ‘Cause,
you know he’s a rhino and they charge, you see. He was
pretty pissed about what’s going on in TNA and said it
reminded him of the old ECW; a place that he loved so
much that he set their belt on fire two years ago. Or
something.
-The Main Event Mafia are really
picking up steam in TNA these days. It’s about time
someone gives these guys a break and starts putting them
over!
And speaking of the Mafia name,
apparently Vince Russo wants to introduce more actual
Mafia-style gimmicks to their acts (The Rock & Rave
Infection are currently being thrown off bridges in a
series of bowling ball bags). In fact, at last week’s
tapings, Booker T. said to Kevin Nash backstage after
his match, “I liked the way you wrestled in those cement
overshoes out there” And Nash was “I did?” Then it was
just awkward for everybody. Oh, and just in case you’re
wondering, Christian Cage is currently in Witness
Relocation until he can testify against Sting et al.
It’s true! The Government has been building a HUGE RICO
case for months. And once Rico gets there, watch
out!
- Have you ever noticed that
Stephanie McMahon never gets shot below the waist on TV?
And not just because her titties are some 48 inches long
neither. Turns out, during her bigtime
pregnancy, she was the first ever recipient of
a “Z-section" (22 bigger than C) and as a result
she had to have the whole lower half of her torso
removed so they could actually pull out the
inherited features, forehead and ego of the father
from her womb! All 3000 pounds of it! It's said
that she of course only agreed to this procedure so
she could finally eat whatever she wanted and
just have it just fall out the bottom. Makes total
sense to me. I'd still have sex with her, though. (Can't
miss that hole!~!!!!)
-According to my secret source,
Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi who wishes to remain
anonymous, WWE “Superstars” are apparently now known as
“Entertainers”. Jazz hands and/or top hat/monocle
combos are also encouraged. In a related note, in
retaliation, Cedric The Entertainer has apparently
changed his name to Cedric the Wrestler, pending a
lawsuit. If successful, he hopes to remove all
“Entertainment” from WWE altogether. However, Vince’s
attorney Jerry McDevitt has counter-argued that
Vince himself already did, submitting 2002-2008 WWE
programming as Exhibit A. Interesting developments are
definitely afoot! But it’s not talking, because, well,
it’s a foot.
-Vince is apparently pissed off at
Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, stating
that no one involved will ever work in this business
again. So, Brian Knobs dreams of becoming WWE Champion
are thus dashed. What a shame. He was like THIS
close!
Also, a cease and desist letter was
sent to Brutus Beefcake, demanding he stop calling
himself Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, and to stop any
and all struttin’ in addition to cuttin’ post haste. I
personally blame Vince’s haircut for the disdain. He
holds ill will to Brutus on the account of his
haircutting prowess, and the bad memories conjured up by
his own haircut at Wrestlemania 24. Or maybe it’s
just because he didn’t get awakened that night by
a huge stomp to the neck first! All the reputable
barbers do it! The trick is trusting them to choke you
into unconsciousness first! (I've only been discreetly
raped once so far!)
Oh, and they also fired Jimmy Hart,
and told him he would be no longer needed to work the
road. Which is a job they should have a construction guy
doing anyway! Or Hulk Hogan even. He did after all build
the entire industry by himself!!! He's awesome with
Tools! (not Nick Hogan).
-In a recent interview, Michael
P.S. Hayes went on record stating that he’s learned his
lesson, and he’ll never ever insult another nigger
again. Good for him! Prejudice is the worst kind of
Racism!
According to JR, Jack Swagger never
lost one street fight while in University. Which begs
the question, HOW TOUGH ARE SCHOOLS IN THE U.S. TO WHERE
BRAWLS ARE BREAKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF
CLASSES???!!!1111 I means, one minute you’re doing the
Calculus, and then bam, broken beer bottle over the
head! RIDICACOCKOULOUS!!!!!!11111
-Just what are the consequences
of Creed anyways? Winning every single
match you have with him? Those are some ramerpercussions
I can live with (but not
spell!!!!).
-Trish Stratus has apparently
opened up her own Yoga studio. At first, I read it as
“yogurt” and was kinda happy, ‘cause I’ve been making
yogurt to Trish for YEARS!!!! Way to end the dream,
Trish! Boo!
-Expect the Central American
Champion to come out of the woodwork soon and stake his
claim at the validity of WWE’s claims that they unified
both the North & South American Titles almost 30
years ago! Then the big re-unification match will
be booked for Rio Di Janeiro, but the cameras will miss
it all AGAIN. TRAGIC! Someone get some cameras to Brazil
that actually work! How much longer must we miss
history?!!!
-The reason R-Truth has been
de-pushed lately is ‘cause he’s apparently restarted his
badmouthing of John Cena, even going so far as to say
“You can’t see me!” to Cena! Then Cena answered, “Well,
maybe if you wore something other than dark pants out
there that wouldn’t be the case.” And it almost came to
blows. But thankfully, both men put their pants back on
and remembered they weren't faggots! Lucky
us! More on this breaking story as it doesn’t
develop!
Before I leave you for a night
of swimming through my vault of Gold-doubloons as per
other rich person standards (I've currently invested my
remaining moneys in the lucrative Auto Industry, so I
feel that I will be recession proof), let me give you a
couple of quick updates! The YEAR END AWARDS ARE
COMING!~!~! So, remember, refrain from previous years
flagrant faggotry and VOTE CORRECTLY this time. A vote
for the evil sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair
or anyone other than your pal the Baconman is a
vote for Child Molestation and evil. I think. Oh,
and next time I join yous in the new year, we will
finally INDUCT NEW MEMBERS (not penises) into the
prestigious BACON HALL OF FAME. But
first, for your benefit I have supplied the current
Inductees into its hollowed halls (I just dug them
myself this week!)
See you
soonVOTE BACON OR BE A
FAGGOT.
Consider this Bacon
brought!
-CB
BACON HALL OF
FAMEPREVIOUS
INDUCTEES:
2006!
Mark
Henry- He’s SO GOOD at what he does
in the ring that he makes you forget that wrestling is
supposed to be all about athleticism and believability.
That’s talent! Plus, he can squash APPLES with his bare
hands (bear hands?) which I imagine makes him none too
popular in the produce aisle. Just
saying.
My only problem though with Mark,
is prolly his hygiene. I mean, why would they call him
the “World’s Strongest Man” if not for an obvious body
odor problem? I means, he even used to mention his
“stank” all the time which can’t be good. Plus, I’ve
heard almost every writer online when reviewing his
matches saying that he completely stinks, so my theory
HAS to be true.
But anyway, Stinky pits or not,
Mark Henry takes his place amongst the Elite. I’d follow
his AWESOME example and tear my phone book in half too,
but that’s where I keep all my phone
numbers.
Koko B.
Ware- For YEARS, Koko used
to encourage us all to “do the bird”, but I always found
it preposterous. I mean, how would you ever fit your
dink into its tiny bum? Impossible. Even for someone
with a lean penile like myself.
Anyways, when you discount his
incessant pushing to perform bestiality on God’s winged
creatures, he was an accomplished wrestler. In fact he
racked up an almost Goldberg streak in wrestling… If
Goldberg had lost all his matches instead of won
them1!!! He also had a cool finisher with the
Ghostbuster. I was somewhat sad that it didn’t involve
the proton pack and ghost trap follow up you’d expect
with such a hold but whatever. Still though, If Koko had
just sucked Butch Reed into the trap he’d have got the
duke at Wrestlemania 3, and Butch would knee deep in
Ectoplasm right now in the containment unit. If
only.
Koko was also cool because he wore
one white glove just like Michael Jackson. Only he
didn’t abuse children like the King of Pop. But that’s
something I never understood. Why would you complain
about being violated if you had a ball pit to play in,
Pirate costumes to wear, and LLAMAS to ride?! That’s a
good host. I mean, so what if he fondled you? When you
ever going to get to ride llamas again? It’s a fair
trade off, I’d think. I mean, really. LLAMAS. Am I the
only one who sees this??!!!
Anyways, congratulations to Koko.
Your pestering of me on the My Space site has finally
paid off. Now go buy a pet that’s not flammable. Or
maybe a LLAMA! You won’t be sorry you
did!
Moses:
That’s right, the emancipator of the Jews! The Jews were
slaves in Egypt for years until Moses came along and
freed them from bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians
were into kinky S& M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have
been too pleased to lose such a reputable and
hardworking workforce, that’s for sure. I mean, Black
people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t
remember y’all BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score one for the
Hebes!
Mr.
Hughes- I have put over the
awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not finally
officially induct
him?
Most black dudes who
wear sunglasses all the time are blind, but not Mr.
Hughes… unless he did a real great job of hiding it! Mr.
Hughes started out as Lex Luger’s bodyguard then he went
to the WWF where he stole undertaker’s urn, before
getting fired for cocaine, which prolly explains the
sunglasses. Perfect way to cover up those coked out eyes
fer sure!
Mr. Hughes came back to wwf in 1999
all sober and such and acted as Chris Jericho’s
bodyguard. He still wore the glasses but this time he
wore some faggoty assed disco shirt instead of the shirt
and tie… which obviously proved me wrong… HE WAS BLIND.
No one with functioning eyes would willfully wear this
shirt. And for a blind guy he sure could move in that
ring. And while he coulda begged for money like other
blind people (Come on, how hard is it to see, really?!!)
he chose to unleash big side walk slams, and all without
the aid of a dog or telescopic walking stick.
AWESOME. Most other blind guys just play a piano,
but not Hughes, he had real talent. (I don’t think I
need to tell you how complicated a body slam is even
with eye sight!). Anyways, they fired Mr. Hughes soon
after, and he didn’t see it coming. (prolly cause he was
blind). It was a sad day for wrestling fans but not
really.
Anyways, congrats to Mr.
Hughes. It doesn’t take a blind man (hahahaha) to
see your talent and this is well deserved. Now get back
on the spank and bring back the REAL Mr. Hughes. Cocaine
never hurt anybody important.
Warlord- Another
inductee DUE for this was another man I’ve put over as
the third coming of Christ, the Mighty Warlord. He was a
big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a
mustache that looked kinda like a walrus, which is the
tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada! Only instead
of eating seals Warlord chose to hook on the full
nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever!!! And in
the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot.
Personally I’m convinced that Warlord’s full nelson
destroyed the British bulldog’s life and eventually
caused him to die. It was that
cool!
Anyways, tragedy struck Warlord
eventually when he was run over by a PIZZA TRUCK.
Warlord was severely injured but the pie got there on
time, and that’s the important thing.
So congratulations, Warlord! And
btw, you used to always carry around a wand with a big
“W” on it, but never told us what it stood for. Oh well.
Some mysteries will never be solved, I guess.
Dusty
Rhodes- He’s
the American Dream, but he never told us what dream that
was. I hope it wasn’t the one where you go to school and
realize you forgot your pants. I always hated that
one.
My favourite thing about Dusty is
how realistic looking he is. I mean he’s a perfect knock
off of a real life flesh and blood person. To look at
him, you’d never ever know he was really a CYBORG. I
mean a bionic elbow? It all makes sense now! And it also
explains how he could bleed so much and not die. He has
an internal metallic endoskeleton chasse! Now let’s just
hope the government computers don’t get self-aware, or
Dusty just might hunt us all down and finish off
Humanity with a series of intricate elbow smashes. He
can’t be reasoned with! And he absolutely will not stop
eating until you are dead, if you
weel.
Operation: I have
this game to thank for everything I know about the
medicular field. Because of its precision, I’m confident
I could perform many complicated surgeries, without
wasting tens of thousands on useless medical school. In
fact, if any of yous guys ever need a huge oblong bone
pulled from your abdomen without getting electrocuted,
I’m definitely your
man!
Undertaker: And finally, we have The
Undertaker. Most real life boring Undertaker’s spend
their time elbow deep in bodily organs, and never
experience the full experience of undertakering,
including stuffing live people into caskets and of
course practicing the DARK SIDE MAGIC. I once dared an
Undertaker to give me the electric death from his finger
tips, but NOTHING happened. Heck, I even blindsided him,
threw him in one of his caskets, chopped holes in it
with pick axe and set it on fore with gasoline, and HE
JUST BURNED TO DEATH. No mysterious escapes, no bigtime
back from the dead returns. I mean, what kind of
Undertaker was this guy?
WEIRD.
Still though, I partially gave
Undertaker this award now (after all he still is only in
the formative years of his caeer) because of a recent
incident. Apparently Undertaker almost contracted
GINGIVITIS at Armageddon from Cowboy Bob Orton, and no
one told Undertaker of Bob’s diseased gums~! Ridiculous.
Apparently Bob Orton didn’t practice proper oral hygiene
and contracted the evil Gingivitis when he was teenager!
And I believe it too. After all, look at how bad he took
care of that busted arm of his! (he wore a cast for 20
years!) Just imagine what his teeth must be like!!!! And
to someone with a glorious white smile like the Deadman,
this had to be devastating. I mean, imagine if
Undertaker had to take time out of not putting anyone
over to go see the dentist? Someone might get a push
that deserves an opportunity, and I as a wrestling fan
just can’t stand for that.
So, congratulations to Undertaker
for being the last inductee for 2006, and good luck with
your gums. I’ll pay tribute to your accomplishments by
drawing power from my grampa’s urn sitting on our
mantle. (I can’t seem to derive anything from it thus
far though. Am I doing something wrong? And when does it
become filled with swirling light and darkside magic?
Right now it’s all ashes and what appears to be the
wingtip of my Grampa’s cobbled shoes. Not
good.).
Class of 2005
Steve McMichael: First
inductee is Steve McMichael who brought CREDIBILITY to
the sport as he made a smooth transition from
professional football to unprofessional wrestling,
as he traded in his pads and helmet for some shiny black
underwear and some knee pads. Someone told me he played
with the Bears but I don't see how that's
possible. First, I doubt Bears have the dexterity
to play football, and besides he'd surely be mauled by
those bears thats fer sure. But if he did, I highly
doubt it was grizzlies cause he'd be dead now and we'd
have never seen what he could do in a ring and that
woulda been
unfortunate.
Anyways, he used to hurt
people for real all the time and I don’t think I need to
tell you that means he was a GREAT wrestler. They called
him Mongo which I think is short for mongoloid. This
surprised me as I really had no idea that Steve was
disabled (although the round fat-face and swollen
eyes did kinda give it away). Anyways, Mongo was a
credit to his mongoloid heritage and would make fellow
mongoloid and Warrior Genghis Khan very proud! (who’d
have thought that a country full of people with Down's
Syndrome could conquer half the known world!).
So, here’s to Steve Mongoloid McMichael! Mongoloids
may only have a shelf life of about 30 years, but you’ll
always live on in the Bacon Hall of
Fame!
Kronik: A double
entry here as both members get in. Kronik was a big time
awesome tag team featuring two really great wrestlers in
Brian Clarke and Brian Adams. Clarke once wrestled under
his real name of Adam Bomb in the WWF where they said he
was radiated on three mile Island. This gave him big
time size and strength and left him with yellow
eyes. The rest of the people there just got
radiation poisoning and cancer so Adam definitely lucked
out. Brian Adams was known as Crush in the WWF because
he liked to squish things for no reason ( me too!) He
was also a HUGE pop music supserstar under his real
name, belting out among other things the Robin Hood
theme song in 1991 that still makes me cry when I hear
it. Anyways, they got together in WCW and called
themselves Kronik although I have no idea why.
Personally, I always thought they meant Kronik pain,
because as my uncle once said they were really painful
to watch in the ring which is a compliment I’m sure. My
Friend Julius tried to tell me once that it had
something to do with drugs but that can’t be. You can
tell just by looking at him that Crush has never touched
a drug in his
life.
Giant Gonzalez: if you read
my first ever column you'd see why he deserves to be
inducted. He’s a real life LEGIT Giant and that’s good
enough for me. (I mean his mom wouldn’t have given him
the first name Giant if he wasn’t gonna grow up to be
real tall).
Anyways, Giant Gonzalez was easily
the best giant ever if only because he wore a fur suit.
This alone makes him better than Andre who never had the
luxury of wearing a pelt of any kind whatsoever. And
it’s too bad too, 'cause I’m sure that’s what really
killed him. Winters in the French Alps can be pretty
unforgiving I’d assume, and a plaid sports coat prolly
wouldn’t cut it. (And I know this well being from
Sakatchewan and all, as I got frost bite bad one
time and had to have my head
amputated.)
Superfly Jimmy Snuka: Jimmy
is already in the WWF Hall of Fame so this another big
time accolade for him! Anyways some people on this
site (who have sleazy French moustaches) will tell
you that Superfly is a murderer, but it’s all LIES.
There’s just no way Jimmy could ever kill his
girlfriend. A thunderous heabutt? Maybe. A leapfrog and
double chop to the esophagus? Most likely. But the
death? I really doubt it. Heck, I doubt he’d even peel
off a full superfly splash. But if he did kill her in warm blood as
everyone claims, maybe he had his reasons. You know how
couples are. Maybe she shrunk his tiger underwear or
smashed some sort of exotic fruit over his head? (he
seems to really hate this). Heck, maybe she was
just a nag. “All you want to do is dive off cliffs and
splash people! You don’t have time for me anymore!” You
know that same old argument. But whatever. So what if he
killed a defenseless woman? He was still real good at
Cage matches and that’s all that
matters.
Mabel: Today people know him
as Viscera but to me he’ll always be Mabel, one half of
maybe the most athletic team EVER, Men on a Mission!
Heck, I even wanted to buy a giant pair of spandex
purple mock overalls like his but I was never able
to find them at Walmart. As a result ,I had to try and
make them out of my mom’s bed spread but my sewing was a
little questionable and I made a few tailoring mistakes
and my dink would fall out a lot. Not
good.
Anyways, Mabel was a master of the
psychologocological warfare in the ring and would
confuse his opponents by sweating a lot. To the
untrained eye it would seem like he was just in
incredibly poor shape but that was his GAME. Just when
youd least expected it he'd get his 2nd wind and kinda flop on top
of you for the win. Wow. Talk about good strategy. It
was kinda like Muhammad Ali’s rope-a-dope only Mabel
didn’t have the shaky
Parkinsons.
Crocodile Mile: You run, you
slide, you hit the bump, you take a dive! This is not a
wrestler sure, but it’s BETTER. Its crocodile mile which
to you American turds is prolly best known as “slip and
slide.” I like ours better. At least it’s named after a
dangerous animal (even if it should have been a moose)
instead of something that sounds so faggoty. ( slip and
slide…into your asshole!) Anyways, this great wet tarp
of my childhood brought me countless hours of fun and
delight and I’m not ashamed to say I even had my first
sexual encounter with one of the hose holes. Anyways, I
thought it’d be fun last weekend to break out the old
Crocodile Mile outta the shed and give’er. Unfortunately
though, it’s still the dead of winter here in
Canada and the water froze creating a slick death trap
and the icicles pretty much cut
Madison from chin to balls. It was kinda hilarious
though. Stupid fat
Madison.
The Patriot: Normally I’d
never induct anything to do with yous filthy Americans
but Patriot has earned my respect. I also loved his
finishers The Uncle Slam (I wish my uncle was named
something cool like that) and The Patriot Missile which
impressed your government SO MUCH that I'm
convinced your armed forces eventually named a
missile after
it!
Anyways, Patriot’s biggest claim to
fame is when President George Bush made the Patriot act
which I’d assume has Del Wilkes himself going door to
door looking for terrorists and slamming them from a
Full Nelson position. That’s a plan we can all get
behind I think.
Yanni: And as for my
celebrity wing: I present Yanni. International music
superstar!!!! Yanni’s music speaks to my soul and I’ve
pretty much patterned much of my life after this
timeless music Icon. (I even have a pretty swank
moustache and hair helmet brewing) The outpour of love
for Yanni is not just limited to God’s country of
Saskatchewan but all the way to Yanni’s native Greece
where he once sold out the famed Papadopoulos
(which was prolly named after Emanuel Lewis’ dad George
on Webster.)
Anyways, the only strike on Yanni
would be that his people invented butt fucking, but I
won’t hold that against him. After all, they do make the
absolute best Submarine sandwiches on the planet; so
from where I stand, melodious new age music and three
slices of delicious smoked turkey on a zesty garlic bun
> putting your dink in someone's ass, and thus earns
Yanni a spot in the Hall Of
Fame!!
Canadian Bacon: Who else
would it be!? And don’t think I haven’t earned it
either! Not only am I the newest TOP GUY on the
internet, but I’m also the most inside guy you’ll ever
meet (I once knew a guy who split a cab to the
airport with Bad News Allen, so I think I know what
I'm talking about.) So, I’ll take this honour and honour
it with honour. Afterall I was ROBBED of the Golden
Tenay (4
TIMES NOW!!!!!!)
