BREAKING NEWZ~!SUPER-SECRET
WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTIONS!
Last
night, we all witnessed one of the most emotional WWE Hall of
Fame
induction ceremonies ever, with moving testimonials for some of pro
wrestling's greatest stars. However, unbeknownst to MOST fans, the
night did NOT end after the cameras stopped rolling. No sir. Not by a
long shot. You see, WWE went on to present 7 more
inductions for the benefit of those in attendance. And the best part?
Several VERY DESERVING individuals, many of whom we had bemoaned for
being seemingly EXCLUDED from the Hall of Fame, indeed
got their due!
First up, was an individual I
think no one EVER expected to see again. I think you know who I'm
talking about. Yes, that
guy. You know, the guy whom we all grew up watching
in the late 80's?
An individual who was living proof that dressing like it was still the
70's could still get over, even some 20 years later. The
person who we
all watched with baited breath for years to see if he would finally
regain the love of his life. Yes sir. And a person, whom despite his
many, many contributions, has seemingly been blackballed from
the
public eye for YEARS. Yes, my friends, you gotta know I'm
talking about
Savage!
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FRED
SAVAGE!
Good
God, did I love the Wonder Years.
What a show. In any event, WWE thanked Savage for his many
contributions to their company (he once watched about 15 minutes of
Saturday's Night's Main Event in 1990). It was said to be very
emotional, as after YEARS of not being acknowledged on TV,
Savage had
seemingly finally gotten his due. Ohh yeahhhh! Ahem.
Of
course, if you're going to honor Savage, then well, I think
it's only
fair to include Steamboat, as well. Yes, THAT
Steamboat. The Steamboat
who as we all know carried many of the Industry's top
performers over
the years, and even more than his share of
total loads. Ric Flair in
particular put over the many nights he spent going from town to town,
often going a full 60 minutes with the Steamer. It was very
heartwarming and well deserved. So, with that said, let us
now all show
our appreciation for the aptly nicknamed "Dragon" who earned that
moniker in 1985 after spending some time "honing its craft in
the
Orient"....
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That's
right. The truth is out. Without Steamboat, Wrestlemania 3 may have
never happened. You see, it was this very Steamboat that
carried many
of the wrestlers that night across Lake Michigan, and safely to the
Silverdome in time for the show. Unfortunately though, for everyone in
attendance, "The Dragon" was unable to be
there in "person", because
its current captain "Bonny" owns all the rights to the fledging ship,
and refuses to allow it to be used without
proper financial
restitution. What a shame.
In
perhaps one of the more unusual inductions of the night, the complete
ensemble of the Ultimate Warrior was inducted into the Hall of Fame.
Jan the Make-up lady went into great emotional detail, describing the
humble origins of Warrior's face paint, interspersed with heartwarming
testimonials by many of its famous adversaries, like Hulk Hogan, who
expressed his grief over rubbing out 90% of it at Wrestlemania
6.
The
"acceptance speech" was said to be completely awkward,
as the fishing-line attached to the ceiling holding
up random tassels ,
knee pads and boots, broke, and the outfit crashed to the
floor. Evening Emcee Todd Grisham, eased the tension though,
by joking
that it was still more graceful and coordinated than
the actual
wrestler. Who could argue with that.
In
a side note, someone named "Jim Hellwig" kept trying to
feverishly gain
access to the ceremony all night, but was
consistently turned away. But
not before motioning to the heavens, making a "pressing gesture" with
his arms, then running back off into the night. Strange.
For
the 3rd time in WWE History, a woman has been inducted into the Hall of
Fame. This year, that honor goes to Ashley Massaro, whose career of
"dedication" and "hard work" is FINALLY being rewarded with the
RECOGNITION she so richly deserves. After all, she knows how
to do an
elbow drop from the top rope now! And hey, normally, doing an elbow off
the top as a finish is tantamount to being blackballed from
the
industry forever, but WWE figured they might as well induct Ashley now,
before she physically disintegrates completely. That's right. Strike
while the iron's hot, as they say. After all, Ashley has already paid
the physical price of the industry by gaining 20 years worth of
injuries inside 13 months, so why not? Call it the first
pre-emptive
Hall of Fame induction ever. Hey, maybe in twenty years,
someone can
collect her dust and we can do the Hall's first ever re-induction?
That'd be awesome.
This
was a totally unexpected induction, as we all figured that WWE and God
would never work together again after last year's Backlash fiasco. How
wrong we were. (Don't expect the Lord to appear at
Wrestlemania tonight
though, as he's said to not be feeling comfortable...)
In
any event, God brought the house down, as he did Sodom and Gomorrah,
with hilarious stories about his famous ribs (and not just the
one he
created woman from); including the time
he convinced Vince that another
global flood was coming, with Vince scrambling to find a
corresponding
Animal for Batista to be lumped with aboard the Ark. He then went into
how his son Jesus, much like HHH, gets a bad rap for being
overly
pushed, and having blatant favoritism shown to him. And finally, he
hilariously ended the evening by turning Great Khali into a pillar of
salt. Strangely enough, Khali was heard saying (mumbling?) that he had
never felt so mobile. Great, great stuff from the Heavenly Father, here.
This
induction was historic, as it marked the year's third posthumous
induction, and the first
to ever feature an animal (not including George Steele,
obviously). In
one of the evening's most emotional inductions, the story of Frankie
the macaw was told, from his humblest of beginnings as Koko B. Ware's
mascot, to his tragic end in a house fire. However, in a completely
unscripted, touching moment, God, who was inducted just prior,
laid
hands on the awkward skeleton, and reanimated Frankie to his earthly
form! Frankie, in the highlight of the night,
then triumphantly
fluttered his reborn wings and flew about the arena, before eventually
landing on the shoulder of Kane, who was seated some rows back.
Unfortunately though, upon petting the reanimated macaw, Kane
accidentally reignited the bird with his supernatural ability to
produce fire at will, once again incinerating Frankie completely. It
was said to be awkward for everyone.
And
finally, in a fitting end to the night's festivities, a special
induction was presented to the fan who single-handedly saved last
year's Wrestlemania with his priceless post-match shock and
disappointment of the Game tapping out to a shitty STF. Yes, I'm
talking about the disgruntled HHH Fan. However, before he could be
called onto the stage to accept his plaque, the company swerved him,
and awarded it to shocked
Cena kid
instead. Disgruntled HHH fan's reaction above in mid
celebration will be forever etched into the annals of time.
Well,
that's it for this super-secret insider Hall of Fame Report. We'll see
you at Wrestlemania!... where perhaps HBK upon victory will get his
*very own* custom spinner belt. We can only hope....
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at
Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS. 
