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Back-Leg Frontkick 10.30.03: Halloween Edition! But Not Really! Featuring Insane Musings! Hukamania Running , err, Gingerly Walking Wildly! Stu Hart Taps Out To The Grim Reaper! Road Warrior Hawk Dines On Death..Literally! No Mercy Quick & Dirty, And My Super-Secret Inside Coverage of The Wedding Of The Century! Only Three Mid-Carders Were Held Back In The Making Of The These Nuptials! All This, Plus Much More~! 

Hey, there Fuckies, I'm Sean and this is the Back-Leg Frontkick! God's favorite wrestling column. It's true. You see, it was *originally* one of the Gospels, but the Catholic church had it removed. Apparently it was all the masturbation references and inferences to male rape. Good thing the rest of the Bible doesn't have anything disgusting like that in there. Oh.

That said, this is my spooky,scary Halloween edition of the BLFK! So brace yourself!...For nothing really remotely connected to Halloween whatsoever.  What can I say. Although, I suppose, if you're *really* that disappointed with my lack of Halloweeny content, and *truly* wanted to be absolutely terrified that badly, I guess I could tell you that I may or may not have wrote 2/3rds of this column in the nude. Scared yet? Oh, and for the record, as a result, my brother told me this was definitely the last time he'd ever let me come over and use his computer again. Oh well. What can you do? Wear pants? Probably.

Anyway, over the last couple of months, I've been jockeying over what type of column to write. When I first got into the game, I posted history pieces that I primarily submitted to Live Audio Wrestling and the Toronto Star. Unfortunately though, despite the fact I have a painfully nerdy encyclopedic memory when it comes to wrestling, I soon grew bored of this and needed to move on. This may or may have been born out of necessity, though, as they didn't really appreciate me slipping in jokes that may or may not have outed Jeff Hardy as a homosexual during his rehab time. My well wishes to Mr. Hardy that he need not worry, because he'd be "back on his knees in no time", apparently only amused me. Oh well.

Once I got over to 411, I wrote satire much like the Rants on this site, and ultimately, I decided that this was a style I'm much more comfortable with for a column, mostly because, well, I'm insane. And coherency and journalistic integrity are like my own personal Kryptonite. You see, my original home planet was made entirely out of Integrity, but here, on Earth, and due to the yellow sun, it is my only weakness. I also cannot see through lead or go an entire day without masturbating. With great power comes great responsibility. Or so they say. I really wasn't listening.

That said, though, I thought I'd settle from this point forward on just rambling Gonzo style. My commentary, news-bits, and out and out absurdity will be the norm. Sometimes I may be serious, other times so condescending it'll hurt, but most of the time you'll just wonder if I had a full frontal-lobe lobotomy whilst writing it. Sound good? Here we go!

RASSLIN' NEWS & RANDOMNESS!

-Why is it that every fucking newcomer seems to debut in the same exact manner on Smackdown? You know, come out of nowhere in their underwear, lose to someone more experienced, then have Undertaker run in and save their ass before rustling their hair backstage like a fucking small child? The recent plucky upstart in question is one Orlando Jordan, whom I was sad to discover is neither that motherfucker from the 7-up commercials, or an obscenely expensive sounding basketball sneaker. Who he is, is a dead ringer for B-movie martial-artist (and soon to be Sandwich artist at Subway if his movies keep going straight to DVD) Billy Blanks. Well, if Billy Blanks mistakenly opened the Ark of the Covenant, that is. And sadly, that's all you get from WWE. No back story. No gimmick. Just a random dude that you're supposed to care about. Just because.  Did I mention he throws a mean dropkick? Yes, it's true. His dropkick cares not for your feelings and gets off on saying cruel things to people if only to heighten its own lack of self-worth.  True story.

- This just in! Wrestlemania XX is a sellout!  What happened, Wrestlemania? I remember when you had principles! Oh, they meant, umm never mind.

-According to a press release, apparently TNA wrestling will now be not watched in 40 million more homes! I for one would like to congratulate them.

-WWE has apparently raised 80,000 dollars for the families of fallen soldiers!  Or maybe they could have just helped them up and saved the money? Oh, they meant. Awkward. Seriously though, that's awesome. Originally, they were going to just give the families free WWE pay-per-views for one year, but they ultimately decided that they had already suffered enough. Good thinking.

-WWE has finally settled their lawsuit with Lewmar, the harness company that supplied the equipment that lead to Owen Hart's untimely death.  During the case, it was said that Triple H of all people insisted to the defense council that they re-enact the scene in question repeatedly, using the very same harnesses, before personally volunteering Rob Van Dam, Chris Jericho and Booker T. as test subjects to prove his point. "We really need to get to the bottom of this controversy once and for all", said HHH. " At my own expense, well Steph's actually, I've personally conducted many stress tests on these very harnesses. They were FINE. Well, most of them. Ok. One was. But I think, given the circumstances, that's still pretty good." he continued,  before ultimately concluding with "We all want justice, really we do. But if you had to kill a few mid-carders to ensure the safety of the Heavyweight Title division, wouldn't you have to do that? I mean, wouldn't you?".

Man, I don't know why the defense didn't really run with that. If the harness fits you must acquit. What could have gone wrong? It seemed like bullet-proof defense to me. Falling from the ceiling? Not so much.

- Apparently, WWE is looking to add more continuity to their product by insisting that wrestlers sell injuries on house shows. Except Kane getting decapitated in a car. Or thrown into a burning dumpster. I mean, really, if he actually sold those injuries, and I don't know, FUCKING DIED, how would Shane McMahon pin him clean on all the house shows and ruin his credibility? WWE thinks about the future. LITERALLY.  It's mostly just Vince picturing Divas in one-piece Star-Trek unitards, and figuring how to make a matter transporter that can teleport HHH's water bottle into his hand. But hey, the future is the future. What can you do? He's doing his part.

Anyway, all kidding aside, but hey, not really, the above credo by WWE is being brought about to at least TRY and bring continuity back to the company. Wait, bring it back? When was it ever here? WWE Continuity is a lot like Mr. Snuffleuffagus on Sesame Street. No one ever sees the motherfucker no matter how often it's promised. I think there's a better chance you'll see fucking Randy Savage and Bret Hart do a little Vaudeville soft-shoe number in the ring on RAW next week, than say, see long-term Continuity in WWE. Although, who wouldn't want to see Bret Hart tap dance? Then spit in Vince's face after he calls for the bell and has him dragged out of the ring with the comically oversized hook. But seriously, WWE hasn't ever been known for creating storylines that exactly make sense in the long-term. I mean, take Chuck Palumbo, who has been put through the ringer (no pun intended) of the gimmick Rolodex, as in one calendar year, he went from picking benwa balls out of his crevace and planning his life-nuptials with one Mr. Ass (whose name suddenly made a helluva lot more sense), only to join the unforgiving world of organized crime like 6 months later?! Ya, Wise-guys are usually pretty accepting of homosexuality. Ahem. All I know is, if I was Nunzio, I wouldn't ask ol' Chuck to whack ANYBODY. Lord knows what you'd get.  WWE + Continuity? Give me a break.

-When Big Show mentioned that he didn't like The Guerrero's "kind", did he mean talented wrestlers? Man, who'd think in today's day and age we'd still see flagrant racism against cruiserweights? You should be ASHAMED of yourself, Big Show. There's no excuse for BIGotry. HIYO.  

-On the RAW side, I'm glad to see WWE thankfully corrected the whole Mark Henry/Goldberg abomination last week by changing the booking plans. It looks like they're now heading into HBK vs. Goldberg instead. But whose side is God really on? Old School loyalty or New School? All I know is, if I was HBK, I'd try to gain the psychological advantage in mid-match by eating a ham sandwich. It can't hurt.
 
-Speaking of Henry above, with the U.S. Government apparently making some Abortions illegal, does that mean we've seen our last Mark Henry match? Please? Clearly, we need a new trial to spurn on internal nationwide debate as to whether abortions of the wrestling kind are inhumane. ROH vs. Wade? Maybe.
 
-Stone Cold Steve Austin saving Stacy Keibler from Scott Steiner was a strange move recently. I'd think rather than stopping Scott from assaulting a woman, he'd show her how it's really done. "No, Scott. You're doing it all wrong, son. Put your back into those kicks,son! And then tell everybody she done fell down the stairs!" Austin 316... days left of probation.
 
- Our friend  Kevin Nash may be done in wrestling. Big Kev announced that his neck is in a bad way and he will soon have the non invasive surgery done by Dr. Jho (Angle's Doctor). For the record, any surgery that cuts you open is invasive. Non-Invasive would be sending fucking Tony Robbins to Nash's house and motivationally removing the problem."Devils, get out!!!". Normally, I'd just ask Tony to will Nash some better workrate, but let's be honest, Robbins is only a motivational speaker, he's no miracle-worker!
 
But seriously, this whole announcement kind of refutes all the NEWZ I've been hearing as of late of Nash being the one to take out Goldberg originally, then joining Evolution from there. And why not? He'd fit right in. I mean, dinosaurs were a big part of Evolution, right? The real trick from there though would be getting Nash to lay down in a bog for the rest of eternity. Maybe we can just hope he tries running ...and then just falls in there.
 
Mercy Is
For The Weak....

Hey, I wrote a No Mercy Rant last weekend~! Read it! But in case you're lazy, here's the quick and dirty:

-Tajiri retained his Cruiserweight title against Rey Mysterio thanks to interference by the Yakuza. No, not that Yakuza. I'd think the *real* Japanese Mafia would forsake CATCH-AS-CATCH WRESTLING FURY~! in favor of, I don't know, guns.  I mean, you can only shake down so many business owners with the threat of Sky Twister presses for so long...

-Chris Benoit defeats A-Train, NYC's hairiest form of Public transit. I heard the reason why Japan's trains are faster is because they use a Lady Remington. You heard it here first. Unfortunately.

-Matt Hardy version 1 loses to Zach Gowen Version 0.5. Zach's dream of leaving his prosthetic backstage and thus winning the Royal Rumble is just a few months away. WRESTLEMANIA HERE HE COMES. WHERE DREAMS ARE INDELIBLY ETCHED INTO THE ANNALS OF TIME. Unless that dream involves having two legs. Sorry.

-The Bashams defeated APA. But seriously, is BRADSHAW really the dude you want to wear BONDAGE GEAR around, guys? Didn't you see Pulp Fiction? This can only end badly. Trust me.

-Vince McMahon defeats 'Stone Cold' Stephanie McMahon who just plum refuses to quit! Then she eats said plum 'cause she's so hungry. The end comes when the Linda McMahon robot throws in the towel. What a waste. After watching Stephanie's Tig Ol' Bitties bounce around for 10 minutes in a leotard I could have really used it.

The highlight of the match, other than the fact that the 350 pound A-Train submitted earlier, yet Stephanie would not, is Cole's brazen claim that Vince McMahon outweighed her by 200 pounds. Man, you'd never know to look at him that Vince was 450 pounds.  So, ya. That was what it was. Originally, I had pegged this thing to die a slower death than Starr Jones with the flesh eating virus, but it really wasn't that bad. Not exactly the way I'd send my daughter off to be married though. Maybe the McMahon's are really from Appalachia and not Connecticut? I think that's the only other place where rolling around with your daughter before she gets hitched to another man is commonplace.

-John Cena creates some new funky beats by tapping on the mat. Yes sir, Kurt Angle and the duct tape holding his varying body parts on is triumphant. Hip Hop falls to Hip replacement surgery, eventually? Probably.

-Big Show is your new U.S. Champion after defeating Eddie Guerrero in the best feud built around shit since, well, any of Diesel's title defenses in 1995.

- WWE Champion Brock Lesnar defeats Undertaker in a Biker chain match when Vince McMahon costs Taker the match, just because. And hey, I'm thinking that in *real* Biker fights, the two sides don't waste time hanging a fucking weapon on a pole. Just saying. "Wait! We can't fight to the death until we make sure that chain is secured up there fair and square, otherwise this whole thing just might turn into a free for all!" Ahem.

Like Scrotum, that was No Mercy in a Nutshell.

Skullets in the news....

In case you haven't been keeping up with the news, Hulk Hogan was like THIS CLOSE to debuting in TNA where we'd finally get the REMATCH OF THE CENTURY: Hulk Hogan vs. Jeff Jarrett,.You remember, their last match?  You know, the one where Hulk was screwed by Vince Russo? The cries of "You'll never see that bald piece of shit again" are still heard to this day. Usually by me in reference to my grandfather. I don't really get invited over much anymore.

 

That said, apparently, while in Japan, bodyslamming anyone thing that dared be fat or not American, Hulkster was INJURED. Oh no! Man, I knew his reckless style would catch up with him eventually. But sadly, this now means that the Main Event of TNA's yet to be named 3 hour November PPV (RASSLEMANIA?) is in serious question. TNA's solution? Buy some time by bringing in Hulk's manager, Jimmy Hart to feud with Jeff Jarrett. Dear god. From there, Jimmy promised a former protégé to face Jarrett: HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. Except, you know, Jim was never managed by Jimmy Hart. Huh. Maybe It's TNA that needs that fucking continuity mandate. Holy shit.

 

However, the scuttlebutt now is that Hulk by gawd FAKED the whole thing, and is just posturing for a big payday in WWE in time for Wrestlemania XX. So, ya, sad to say, it looks like Hulkamania won't be running, err, "casually walking at a pace that limits hyperextension and injury" wild any time soon. But that doesn't mean TNA won't continue to bring in more Hogan cronies and WCW castoffs! Yay! You still have all that to look forward to! Hell,  maybe they'll even change the X-Division title to the XXL title? I mean, it'd be perfect for say Brian Knobs. Provided they could pry him from the orange ass of the Hulkster and hoist him in the ring. Stay tuned to Nitro.

 

On the WWE side, Paul Heyman is the NEW kayfabe General Manager of Smackdown! YES. Although, is putting a guy who ran his own company out of business in charge of your company's finances really the best idea? As much as he means well, I don't even know how he'll even make matches. I mean, the guy has practically trained himself to*accidentally* forget to sign things for YEARS, so good luck ever getting that contract stipulation official. But hey, whatever. It's still better than Stephanie McMahon. Even if Heyman does end up making all his GM announcements from the set of Rollerball... 

 

AH-Nuld as The Governator....

Congratulations to Arnold Schwarzenegger on being elected Governor of California! And sure, it's not Rasslin' news, per se, but I'm going with it anyway. I mean, he was the first WWF Box-Office Champion in 1999, after all! It means something! I mean, it's not like anyone can just go out and buy a replica belt like that. Ahem.
 
Anyway, apparently, 38 years ago, Arnold made a statement to some friends. He said that one day he'd be a Champion bodybuilder, movie star, marry a beautiful woman, and become the most powerful man in the world. Of course it just sounded like "agh meet ze woman, maken za movies wid my muzzels fromda pumpen ze iron an mara her and sonnzi be ze prahz-ee-den!"... And sure, no one knew what the fuck he was talking about, but he said it. Anyway, time has passed, and he has since accomplished all but one of these goals (although I object a little to the 'beautiful woman' analogy since Maria Shriver is a Kennedy and thus probably brushes her teeth with a push broom). At this point, the only goal remaining is to become "the most powerful man in the world"; although to my knowledge, there is still a law saying to be elected highest official in the land you must have been born a citizen. But if anyone can change that it's Ah-nuld. After all, he does have the ability to travel back in time and influence history, remember? James Cameron would never lie to us.
 
That said, one part of me is actually glad that Arnold is governor of California (spoken in Ah-Nuld as "Calee-Foe-nee-ya") but on the other hand, I for one feel that militant Germans should not be running anything. And before I get mail saying "But he's Austrian!" I have to say: So was that other guy and we all know how that story ended. Even though, clearly, Hitler himself would have made a terrible Kindergarten Cop in comparison. "Es ist nicht ein Tumor!"
 
All things considered though, I am glad for Arnie, and seriously hope that much like he and Jesse Ventura before him, the rest of his Predator cast-mates soon follow suit into politics. I would seriously mark out if the rest of the deposed Platoon also held elected office. I mean,  Bill Duke's brooding purple visage leading any political powerhouse to victory would be a cause I could really get behind. Hell, elect the Predator himself! Unlike those fucking Bushes, at least he disappears ever 12 years. Never say never. After all,  Ludvig Borga won political office in his native Finland (arguably on the promise to break Lex Luger's back), so anything is possible!
 
That all said, all is not rosy for Ah-Nuld. There are already some controversies as several women have come forward claiming sexual harassment. So Arnold groped some women? So what. Why are they coming out of the woodwork now? And more importantly, why are they all so unattractive? I think Arnold *should* be punished.....for having some really bad taste . Why is it that a lot of the times these types grope the women that no one would fuck with your dick, and ten guys pushing? I'm begging for one sexual abuser with some taste! Aim for the stars, Arnold!

Not A Good Week To Be Old Or A Post Apocalyptic Warrior.....

Sad news in the wrestling world. Both Hawk and Stu Hart passed away last week. Hawk was 46. Stu was...old.  Once hearing the news, my good friend Harry Simon immediately made an observation that fate had perhaps played a cruel trick on them both, as he linked both their ultimate demises to the simple fact that both men's names began with "HA". But there was nothing funny about this. It couldn't be a coincidence. Ok, it could. But that still didn't stop me from insisting that somewhere out there, Haku is desperately fleeing from his car dealership looking for a place to hide. (good luck going incognito when your head is the size of a fucking Mulberry bush). All whilst former WWF star Hakushi was likely yelling for all to hear, "My real name is Gensei! FUCKING GENSEI!".  Visuals this awesome HAVE to be true.

So, ya, R.I.P. guys. You'll be missed. Now, normally, I'd mention the irony that Hawk used to always say that he "dined on death", and that  perhaps he just, umm, consumed too much this time. I could also point out the irony that death is the first thing he ever actually sold. It's true. Once upon a time, Hawk would have been about to be lowered into the hole, before he'd suddenly kick open the casket and carry on like nothing had even happened. I mean, piledrivers could never keep this guy down, so what's mortality? That shit never killed anybody. Now, luckily for you guys, I'm not the type of guy to say these things. Luckily.

Truthfully though, I always had a soft spot for Hawk. Hell, my brother Mike even once dressed up as him for Halloween one time. Basically, the costume just consisted of a mask with a rubber band, which had a string that kept breaking so often that by the end of the night, the eye holes in the mask were beginning to cut into his face. The other half of the costume consisted of a baggy giant red flame retardant potato sack that had a cheaply animated picture of the Road Warriors on the front. This was 1985 mind you, and LOD were still amidst working for Verne Gagne at the time, so you see, THIS COSTUME ALL OF A SUDDEN MADE PERFECT SENSE. You are after all talking about a dude who spent his entire wrestling budget just a few years later on wrestling matches with HOCKEY NETS, and fucking turkeys on poles. So, needless to say, the AWA wasn't exactly churning out quality merchandise. It's probably also the reason why you never saw a Greg Gagne costume. Although, that might have had more to do with Greg clearly wanting to be the only one out there pretending to be a wrestler.

As for Stu Hart, I never actually got to ever see him wrestle. Unless you count with the English language. But his contributions to the business are incredible. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I wished my Grandfather possessed his catch-as-catch can wrestling skills. Or even a cool basement where he stretches people. The only torture that goes on in his basement is when I'm forced to come over and clean the fucker up. You can only stack so many old tires and hang up so many giant green knee high fishing boots before you're screaming out in agony. It's not taking a camel clutch with your legs stuffed in your asshole. But it's close. 

That said, why can't all 80 year olds be like Stu? Only, you know, not dead. Sadly, the only thing my Grand Dad wrestles with is incontinence. He's a master of catch-the-can-before-he-shits-himself. It's not a wrestling style, per se. But it should be. You'd tap out. Trust me.

So, ya, again, RIP guys! My tributes are a little questionable, sure, but my heart is in the right place! I think. With a shape like mine, there's really no way of knowing for sure.

I Now Pronounce You Man And.......Man?!

With all the parodies of HHH and Steph's big day floating around the net, I thought I'd pipe in with some observations direct from my very own secret source on the inside, whom without revealing his super-secret identity we'll just call Sean "X-Pac" Waltman.

-HHH's Wedding party included Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and William Regal (seriously), the latter of which took up 3/4's of the ceremony just getting to the pulpit, as he kept stopping and nonsensically wiping his feet.

UNDERTAKER tried to no avail to get the Minister to change one of the vows to "If any Deadman has any reason why these two should not be man and wife, speak now or forever Rest in Peace." What a shame.

-During the reception, after giving a toast that he insisted go 35 minutes too long, HHH was said to instinctually gulp a half glass of Champagne and violently spit it all over the dresses of the brides maids. What can you do? It's instinct.  Although, it was still awkward. Almost as awkward as him opening all the gifts with a 50 pound hammer. Almost.

-Instead of tossing confetti, spectators doused the newlyweds in YJ Stinger bees. 

-HHH insisted the cruiserweight division be tied to the bumper of the 'Just Married' limo. Originally, it was just going to be tin cans, but HHH thought they were too valuable.

-Shane McMahon, who was ring bearer, decided an aisle entry was too "old hat" and instead opted to climb the steeple's rafters and deliver said ring by plunging 40 feet back first. He was 33. And fat.

-When the scheduled Organ player no-showed, Stephanie franticly asked who there had the most experience publicly playing the organ. Ric Flair then raised his hand, stood up, dropped his pants and masturbated. He then said "Good enough?" and let out a woo.

-When dancing with the 8 year old flower-girl, Jerry Lawler was said to ask "so, you wanna go back to my place?"

- Prior to the ceremony, HHH pinned Goldberg in the parking lot for the World Title, because he decided at the last minute that his cummerbund clashed with his tuxedo, and wanted to use that strap instead. But still mostly because Goldberg was getting over.

-When the "Best Man" was introduced, Pat Patterson stood up, hands on hips, defiantly yelling "I'll be Da Judge of Dat!";

-Scott Hall was seen later that night, keying the "Just Married" limo before forcing Grandma McMahon into a near by hedge. Normally, it'd have been too dark to identify him... hadn't Hall accidentally forgot to wear his tuxedo pants in lieu of monogrammed trunks.

-Vince was said to be somewhat upset when he found out Shawn Stasiak was the one recording ceremony. In a related note, upon learning this, a dejected Kidman was seen leaving the festivities, teary eyed, tossing his Kid-Cam in the trash on the way out.

-HHH and Stephanie's first dance entailed Hunter just awkwardly posing, arching his back, pumping his arms, and yelling. 

-Linda McMahon became Self Aware at 3:30 pm eastern time. Judgment Day ensued. Live on Pay-per-view.

-HHH pinned Chris Jericho as he attempted to get a second piece of cake. Hunter preceded this by yelling "You got your chance already. You only get one!". People speculated that they had heard this speech before. The night after Wrestlemania 18. Strange.

-The Minister to HHH: "Repeat after me, I take this Woman to be my lawfully wedded wife".

HHH: "I take this World Title to be my lawfully wedded wife......."

-When Steph threw the Bouquet, Steve Austin's new girlfriend was said to have caught it, so saving time, Austin decided to just beat her now as opposed as to after the wedding. This might be love after all.

-Triple H pinned Rob Van Dam at 4:30 pm. Eastern time. While exiting the church. Just because.

-Kurt Angle's tuxedo bowtie was said to be the only thing keeping his head attached to his body.

-Vince McMahon insisted on Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler calling the action at Hunter and Steph's bedroom during the honeymoon. Eventually, the commentating duo were kicked out, leaving only the camera man behind to film the ordeal. He only got to stay because no one noticed he existed. Turns out it doesn't just happen on TV.

-Triple H pinned Kane at 9:30 pm, eastern time. While going into the hallway to refill the ice-bucket. Just because.

Well, that's it for this month. I'll be back in November. But for now, I have to finish my swank Halloween costume. I'm going as a lazy fuck with no prospects. Normally, I'd tell you more, but there's a reason why I'm going as that. Yup.

I'm Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

(C) Copyright 2003-2009 - The Wrestling Fan/Sean Carless. All Rights Reserved.