BACK-LEG FRONTKICK BY SEAN CARLESS: MARCH 2005

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Back-Leg Frontkick: 03/23/05: March 2005: Two Year TWF Anniversary Special: Featuring Completely Random News; The ULTIMATE Triple H Collection, Wrestling With Time, Matt Hardy FECES The Truth, Worst Wrestlemania Matches EVER; Original Wrestlemania Hi-Jinks, And WWE Films Presents! All This, Plus Much More~!

Hey all, and welcome back to the column that is a lot like rotting garbage….the longer I leave it, the more it tends to stink. And by that I mean, BE AWESOME. Actually, I was probably right the first time.

Anyway, I thought I’d dust off the old Back-leg this week, for a special occasion. You see, on March 30, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com will be celebrating our two year anniversary! Yes, two years. Somehow, I've managed to think of new ways to make the same exact jokes for more than one month. Imagine that.

That said, in the last 2 years, we’ve grown at the same geometric rate as Stephanie's ass, and today we have somewhat of a cult following on the Net. Some of which don't even share the same last name as me. It's true! So, special thanks go out to you, the readers, as well as the tireless Staff of TWF for making it happen. And of course Thanks to me. I hadn't really been talking to me for quite a while back in 2003, but somehow, we once again bonded over this very website. So, if I'm reading this, Thank you for being there. I really appreciate all the hard work I've put into this site and look forward to working with myself for many years to come. God bless me. I'm a credit to journalism. I just hope I feel the same way about me.

So, in the spirit of celebrating, celebration and other words that mean celebrating that I was too lazy to punch into my Thesaurus, I have declared this impending March 30 to be “TWF Day” here at the site; which means... well, it means nothing. It just sounded good. Maybe there’ll be cake, I don’t know. The trick will be getting Renee to agree to get inside there first in a bikini. Let's just hope I don't forget that someone's in there before having it baked again. It was kind of awkward for everybody.

So, ya. Here's to 730 days of saying Pat Patterson fucks people in the ass. If fucking Police Academy can make the same joke work for 10 years straight, perhaps we can too. Even if we don't have a comic virtuoso like the guy who played Hightower. Or something. I don't know. I've totally lost interest in this opener. Let's move on.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY~!

Hey, This Looks Interesting…

In my recent bout of total and complete apathy as far as updating this column goes, I’ve actually missed out on several stories and news bits that I shall comment on now. This would probably be a lot more interesting if it was still relevant though…

Edge Spears Lita:

By now, we’ve all heard about the alleged affair between Lita and Edge; exposed to the net by V1 himself, after Lita came home to Matt after a night with Edge reeking of more than awesomeness.

Anyway, some people still think that the whole thing was a *work*, while others, specifically, dumpy, fat 14 year old girls, believe the plight of V1 himself... then no doubt cry themselves to sleep in their ridiculous diaries filled with emo poetry and teen angst, all while wearing painfully tight Korn T-shirts. Lord how I hate them. Anyhoo, in any event, for those of you who haven’t heard, here's what Matt had to say on his own website:

“Just for the record, I never told anyone the story in it's entirety until news sites on the internet started breaking the story (and there's still a ton of appalling things you guys don't know). I took down Amy's pictures on my site and in my house because they were sickening to look at. When the story started coming out, in no form or fashion was I going to allow myself to look like the bad guy. I couldn't afford personally or professionally to let incorrect versions of the story stand. I just wish you guys could have experienced the truth and saw what actually happen. You can take my word for what it's worth--in your eyes and heart. Adam Copeland is feces. As upset as I am with Amy now, I still care about her and I would hate to see her destroy her life. The feces' track record speaks for itself. I have never ask anyone to take sides, I have only told the truth.

I never "insulted the internet world", I only used one writer's article as an example of what not to do or be influenced by on the net. I love the internet concept--my goal is to always help make it better, not tear it down. If I remember correctly, my post was to ask people to make their own opinions based on the facts and their own judgments. Not to just take someone else's opinion as fact, especially if they're not an expert in a given field. The same thing goes for me--I give you information, and you decide what to do with it. I think my track record speaks for itself.

As a public figure, I willingly had to give up my privacy once I started appearing on TV week in and week out, as all WWE superstars do. There would be no "scandal" to talk about if there had not been a "scandal" in the first place. I respect you for speaking your opinion in an adult fashion; I just wanted to give you more insight of where I'm coming from. Be well,

Matt.”

Adam Copeland is feces? Holy shit, Matt, watch your language! There might be children reading! Or at least really, really fat teenaged girls who somehow believe that just because you once quoted them in a message forum, that somehow, someway, that means you're now dating. However, this whole situation, while tragic if it’s true, still strikes me somewhat funny. That was his BEST FRIEND? A best friend who once tried to throw him off a 20 foot ladder to his death. Kayfabe-wise, how do they ever even explain this? "You betrayed me, Adam! Remember the way we used to bond as you tried to kill me by crushing my head with chairs and spearing me off 30 foot hooks above the ring? Well, it's over! Our friendship is over! You'll never maim me and possibly destroy my livelihood again! And you'll have to live with it!".

Anyway, if you read that thread over at Death Valley Driver, you’d know that Lita doesn’t exactly have the best reputation as being “pure.” Apparently all it would take is one gynecological swab to collect enough DNA to clone half the EMLL locker room in Mexico. And if you are a young girl reading this, shocked that your hero has apparently blown a lot more than just spots, I’m sorry. But I’m not the one who fucked Fishman. You’ll have to take your woes up with Lita herself. God bless, Lita, though. She's the only chick I know that insists on fucking dudes in masks. Usually, that's a real TURN-OFF for the ladies. Maybe it's the rope and giant roll of duct-tape that usually come with it. I don't know.

Now that we’ve established Lita’s character (and assassinated it), what of Edge? Didn’t this dude just get remarried? Man, you think you know a guy. Actually, he told us we didn't for like 7 fucking years. We just didn't listen. All I know is having sex with Edge would be terrifying. I can imagine as Lita was cluelessly undressing, there'd be Edge, behind her back, bouncing on the spot in the corner of the room, ready to pounce on her. IT'S ALL HE KNOWS. I'd also recommend against letting Edge go down on you, I'd think. With the sheer layers of teeth this dude has, getting ate out might be literal. If I was a woman, I'd sooner let the creature in Alien have at my clam. And the sad part is, after bedding Lita, Edge's blood is probably way more corrosively acidic than ANY of those Aliens ever were. That's probably the reason why you never saw El Dandy again. He dissolved into a puddle after having at Lita. Only some teeth and Lou Ferigno's hairdo remained. It was tragic. To someone. Probably Bret Hart. He never doubted him.

That all said, I’m not going to lie, I like Edge AND Matt Hardy BOTH. So, this is quite the conundrum for me. And keeping rats on the side is a regular matter of course in the business, but to lay the pipe on your best friend’s girl? That’s cold. So much for 'Bros b4 Ho’s'. I can't say I blame Edge, though. Truth be told, I've wanted Lita for YEARS. If only because in addition to being hot, there's a good possibility that she'd be the one girl capable of moonsaulting from a great distance exactly onto my genitals. My previous girlfriends were like terrible at high spots. So much so, I had to release them. Literally. The Police made me. Something about keeping them in cages being a human atrocity or some such.

Still, part of me, the part not related to my groinal region, still wonders if this whole thing is a work. Could this be spun into an angle? Will we see end up seeing Matt Hardy Vs. Edge in a “Lita on a pole match?”… Wait, Lita on a pole? That’s how this whole thing got started! Ya, that's how I'm ending this.

Nostalgia-mania:

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mark-out for the nostalgia of seeing Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels reunite as the Rockers. And why not?

If Mick Jagger & Keith Richards can get onstage and thrash around, and not disintegrate into a fine dust, surely my two favorite aged Rockers can do the same. I'm just happy that Marty was back. And looked as good as he did. Apparently he, like Michaels, has found God. He was hiding in the closet it turns out. So, ya, Marty and HBK together again, under the auspices of Jesus himself. The two clearly need to just bite the bullet, err communion wafer as it were at refer to themselves as THE CHRISTIAN ROCKERS. And then come out to THIS song. He is an awesome God, indeed. I'll mark. Almost as much as if Marty changes his name to Martyr Jannetty and sacrifices himself for the betterment of humankind and God above. Or maybe just create some drama by taking a double-teams from La Resistance. Whichever. I'm flexible.

Anyway, turns out I wasn't the only one happy to see Marty back, because the crowd popped bigger for Marty (just don’t let him pour your drinks, ladies) than they did for the motley crew of crew-cut douchebags that were to follow. And therein is the problem with WWE today. Their shit is so fucking cookie-cutter, that I'd rather watch a 45 year old Marty Jannetty wrestle for 2 straight hours in a paisley undershirt, then even 45 seconds of Mark Jindrak. Because, unlike today, WWF used to MAKE me care about these people. Not so much today. Hell, Jindrak could UTILIZE HIS INCREDIBLE VERTICAL LEAP And propel himself out of the atmosphere, and I'd still not give a shit. If he burned up completely in re-entry? Maybe. But not really.

Which just goes to show how much better WWF used to be at promoting their stars with unique and diverse characters that people actually cared about. I mean, look at Jake Roberts. Despite looking the worst I’ve seen anyone in this business look (When I first tuned in I thought “Shit, when did Contemporary songmeister David Crosby learn the short-arm clothesline?”) he STILL managed to get a bigger pop than half the locker room and keep my full attention.

Unfortunately though, these afforemtioned people can't carry WWE anymore. And it's a shame. With Jake, for instance, once the feel of “Holy shit! That’s (sorta) Jake The Snake Roberts!” wore off, we were left with the reality of a bloated crackhead wearing my dad’s golf wear throwing maybe the most deliberately set-up clothesline ever, and cutting an old school promo that would have rocked the proverbial Kasbah, if it didn’t sound like he gargled with razor blades first (razors used to first divide up the coke, no doubt.). And this is a huge shame, because the brief snippets shown of Jake in his prime made me long for him in the ring again. Jake’s mind still may be somewhat sharp and he may still somewhere possess the “best in the business” psychology, but at this stage his body ain’t following suit. It’s kinda like being the best race car driver in the world….but if you’re stuck behind the wheel of a Pinto, chances are you ain’t gonna win too many races. The message here? Don't hit Jake Roberts from behind. Or something.

Anyway, I guess I just have a hard time dealing with my heroes getting old. Or looking like a cross between a walrus and a dude who plays a guitar the size of a small dog.

In a side note though, I did find it funny that an alcohol fueled Jake Roberts decided to show up in the WWE the same week they started a concept called "pick your poison". Coincidence? Probably.

So, my point here? You should have stopped reading after the phrase "contemporary songmeister".

Hall Of Fame, Bruther.

Hulk Hogan (who finally won the rights to Hulk from Marvel, so look for Marvel to counter with a character known as the Incredible Bollea) will apparently be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame by Sylvester Stallone. Although, Red Rooster should have gotten the honors in my opinion based on the Hulkster’s recent poultry woes. Anyway, this is somewhat of a coup for the WWE, but my question is this: Where the fuck is Mr. T?

Anyway, a lot of media outlets are picking up this story, as Stallone is arguably the biggest celebrity to grace Wrestlemania, well, since the “Where’s the Beef” lady. But seriously, WWF has never exactly grabbed the best celebrities, and if they did, it was usually at their lowest point. Seriously. In the few times they didn't cart out Bob Ueker, the celebrities they did get kind of only showed up because they needed the payday badly. Take Burt Reynolds at WM 10, left with just the rug on his head and the porn stache on his face after a nasty divorce from Loni Anderson. Not to mention Willy Nelson, stripped bare by the IRS, who then sold his soul to Vince in 1991 to croon the national anthem, adorned with cheap merch including a foam WWF title belt wrapped around his aged soft middle. It was like that one retarded kid in your neighborhood who wears every article of clothing he owns, and tucks his pajama pants into big winter boots. It was sad. And Hilarious.

I am interested to see how Stallone holds up, though, and if he actually appears on the PPV itself. (If he can bring half the class, poise and dignity to Mania that "A-Listers" like, umm, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Nicholas Turturro did, I’ll consider it a success.).

Anyway, obviously WWE is putting all their HOF hopes on the back of old Thunderlips, but where does that leave the remaining Hall of Famers? And whose acceptance speech will make less sense, Roddy Piper or Iron Sheik’s? And speaking the “Hot Scot”, is Roddy Piper even Scottish? If so, why does he not have an accent? Glasgow…Oregon? Ok, I’m just rambling now. (and drinking heavily. It's a tribute to Hot Rod! That's all!).

And ya, before I forget, where the fuck is Mr. T? I'd say I pitied him, but that'd be inappropriate. Fool.

The Blind Leading The Blind:

Not a huge story, but one that made me laugh:

A former pro wrestler is helping a blind woman run the Iditarod dog race. Isn’t that precious? Why yes it is! Precious Paul Ellering, that is.

The former manager of the Road Warriors is apparently quite the aficionado of this famous dog race, and is in turn turning that expertise over to a woman named Rachael Scdoris, who is blind, whom he is serving as her “visual Interpreter.” One can only assume that like Jakes Roberts, she too was a victim of Rick Martel's giant atomizer. (WRESTLING CONTINUITY FTW). But seriously, is a guy whom I haven’t ever seen without a pair of heavy black sunglasses the best person to serve as “your eyes?” If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Paul was blind. Maybe Rocco held the cup while Animal played the accordion? I don’t know.

But seriously, best of luck. And if you other Iditarod competitors see a sled pulled by a mohawked dude in spiked football pads being mushed by a man with a rolled up Wall street journal, while a ventriloquist dummy handles the reigns, you might want to get out of the way. Oh, what a Mush.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:

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You think you know them? You've read *both* their books, but there's one *last* chapter in the stories of Adam Copeland and Amy Dumas! In this TWF *exclusive*, this double-sequel reveals that Lita's REAL ' Road less traveled ' went up the Hershey Highway!

*Bonus offer! If you act NOW, we'll reserve you a copy of Edge's brand new Eddie Guerrero inspired T-shirt!  "He Lies on either people's girlfriends! He Cheats on his wife! He steals umm, other people's girlfriends!" (It's still a work in progress...).

So, go over the EDGE today! (or under, if you're someone else's woman!) Order now and we'll throw in *complimentary* BOTTLED TEARS OF MATT HARDY!.

*Integrity not included.

WORST WRESTLE

MANIA MATCHES EVER!!!

The WWE likes to call WrestleMania the "Showcase of the Immortals" (you know, when you discount all the dead people) citing that memories are indelibly etched in the annals of time. But despite the WWE's P.R., Wrestlemania has left its share of bad memories and missed opportunities, with some leaving me with more scars than that time I tried to shave my balls.

Anyway, for every "Boyhood dream that finally came true", (My boyhood dream was to get laid, I don't know about you) there were matches that lowered the bar so much, that even Mini-Me couldn't limbo it.

So, with that said, last year Ric Flair hosted a special where he looked at the ten “Best” matches in Wrestlemania history, so in typical dickhead fashion, I of course countered with a list of my own, chronicling the matches that should be indelibly etched in the anals of time, you know, on the account of the infinite shitiness.

Now, keep in mind, the following list is one man's opinion, and the criteria I used to determine who should grab the brass turd-ring may not be what you would consider when compiling a list of your own. You'd probably also make less jokes about dead people & ass fucking. But hey, what can you do.

That said, my detailed and complicated criterion as to who was and who wasn't was considered was the following:

If it sucked, it gets listed.

The End.

OK then, on with the list!

10) Brutus Beefcake Vs. David Sammartino: WrestleMania 1;

This was of course LONG before Brutus Beefcake began carrying around questionable duffle bags, and subsequently trying to relieve terrified people who feared Anthrax, that “It’s safe, it’s only cocaine!”.

This match took place at the original Wrestlemania, and despite originally being advertised as a "tag team match" with respective seconds Luscious Johnny V. & Bruno Sammartino, it ended up just being Beefer and David, one on one; which at this point in time was akin to crossing the fucking streams in Ghostbusters. Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Only with like more rest-holds.

David of course is the son of said "Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino, and while I'd like to tell you that the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree", I think this tree in question must have been planted on a compost heap somewhere, because poor David stunk up the ring worse than a bag of broken assholes. He, like David Flair, and a slew of other no-hoper 2nd generation stars with more famous & talented fathers, just brought nothing to the table. Except a shapeless upper torso, and in the case of David Flair, Psoriasis. (Psicosis' even more unpredictable brother! Or not). I don't know what happened. It's as if in their cases, their more infinitely skilled fathers soaked up every last shred and corpuscle of inherited genetic talent, just leaving their idiot sons with enough fledgling DNA so they could blink and breathe. And by god, BEARHUG.

Anyway, just because you're *dying* to know, this match ends in a DOUBLE COUNT-OUT. So, ya, issues were NOT settled. Unless that "issue" was a debate on whether dying from AIDS after taking a gut shot all while blowing the Ebola monkey was a more suitably painful demise than sitting through the 8 minutes of fucking utter misery Beefcake & Sammartino just put us through. Pass the monkey.

9) Hulk Hogan Vs. Andre The Giant: Wrestlemania 4;

While the two drew the largest indoor attendance record in North American history at the time the previous year, their big rematch in the Quarter Finals of a tournament to determine a new WWF Champion hardly set the world of wrestling on fire. Although, it did prove Hogan a liar when he said Andre died like a few fucking days after Wrestlemania 3. Next thing you'll tell me is that Hulk's claims that he would dog paddle some 20,000 people and Donald Trump to safety aboard his barn-door back when the Trump Plaza inevitably sank to the bottom of the ocean was also pure hyperbole. I refuse to believe it. But I still packed a life-jacket. You never know with all those people flailing about when you just might accidentally fall off that back! Better safe than sorry, bruther.

At this point in his life, Andre was barely mobile, probably due to him starting to decompose after being dead for an entire calendar year. The two then battled in slow motion. Headbutts were thrown. As were headbutts. A bearhug. Some more headbutts. Then some headbutts. A choke. Then the big payoff. Headbutts while in a choke, that segued to a bearhug. It was masterful. The two were then both disqualified for crimes against humanity. Or maybe using a steel chair. DRAW. I'd have personally suggested a time-limit draw, but Andre had already eclipsed that by the time he waddled over for the first lock up. So, ya.

Anyway, for the first time in history, this took Hogan OUT of the Main Event at Wrestlemania, so a guy who never existed could have clear sailing to the belt that he never held because he never really was ever in WWE and no one remembers who he is. Ohhhh Yeahhhh.

8) Doink & Dink Vs, Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon: WrestleMania X;

An abundance of unsightly tattoos, midget clowns, and unattractive S & M dominatrixes? Is this Wrestlemania, or the fucking Exotic Erotic Ball? And speaking of S & M, the prospect of having battery clamps attached to your cock and hot wax dribbled on your balls is still a lot more pleasant a scenario than sitting through this one again. Trust me.

Anyway, this was the big "blow off" in the feud between Doink (no longer played by Matt Borne but now a slew of lower-card heroes like Phil Apollo and Steve Lombardi) and Bam Bam Bigelow. The feud had really escalated since the SURVIVOR SERIES SCREWJOB. I mean, Four Doinks at once against Bam Bam? Bam Bam screwed Bam Bam. Somewhere along that time, the WWF decided that Doink would no longer have psychotic delusions, the same ones that made the character interesting, but would instead just embrace being a regular old clown, shedding his evil sadistic instincts for making fucking balloon animals and hanging out with midgets. It happens to the best of us.

The result? "COMEDY"~! Asses are bitten, midgets are chased, I start looking for a strong piece of rope and a stool. Bam Bam ultimately pins Doink with the flying headbutt. The laughter is dead. And so is any shred of appeal in the Doink character. Clearly, if WWE is any indication, all John Wayne Gacy needed was a diminutive midget sidekick and he too would have shed his entire murderous disposition. IMAGINE HOW MANY LIVES COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED. Oh well.

7) Big Bossman Vs. Undertaker: Wrestlemania 15;

This was the forgotten Hell in a Cell match. Forgotten in the same way RAPE VICTIMS choose to bury their pain and anguish in the ultimate state of lifelong denial. Besides, both men barely achieved "Heck in a Cell" this night. Seriously. It was horrible. Remember how Mick Foley once said that Muraco & Snuka in a cage inspired him to become a wrestler? This match probably had the exact opposite effect on people.

This match barely even utilized the structure, and would only be knocked off its lofty perch as WORST CAGE MATCH EVER, 6 months later when WWF thought a great way to "spice up" Satan's structure would be if Dogs held by little men at ringside shit all over the protective mats.

Undertaker of course won here. It is Wrestlemania, after all. He then proceeded the "hang" Big Bossman from the cage, who then "died". But no worries, he was back on RAW the next night! It's funny how hanging a man from the ceiling until he stops breathing can't put a dude on the shelf (or in the grave) for one fucking day, yet, gingerly walking to the ring and tearing your quad puts your ass out for like a year. Oh ya, Bossman eventually died for real. Clearly, due to the lingering after-effects of the dreaded HELL AND CELL~! Seriously. He watched this match again and lost the will to live.

Bonus points go to The Brood trying to interfere post-match by slowly and disjointedly cascading from cables in the ceiling, supposedly in VAMPIRIC fashion~!. Only they sort of just bobbled and awkwardly hung around, like a ventriloquist act ran by a retard . Good thing WWE learned its lesson with faulty harnesses, though! Oh.

6) JYD Vs. Harley Race Wrestlemania 3;

Before I get into this, I must say that Harley Race was one of the greatest workers in History, and certainly should not be blamed for this abomination. Not even Jesus Christ could have pulled off this miracle. He'd just shrug his shoulders and say "Can't I just turn this fish into about 200 more?" then awkwardly exit the room Kool-Aid man- style. As for JYD, God bless his soul, his heart was in right place, but the motherfucker was about 999 holds away from threatening Dean Malenko, if you know what I mean.

Basically, this match was A LOT of head-butting, but it moved so slow, at one point both men somehow turned back time. Harley pulled a 3 star match out of a Brachiosaurus. Then managed a T-Rex to three NWA Titles. Millions of years passed. And despite Evolution's best efforts, JYD still only learned one move. They both then eventually made their way back and Harley finished with a text book Belly to Belly. What, you don't have Belly to Belly suplexes in your text books? Well, they're only available at the school Ric Flair takes you to, and in the classroom that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam.

It all happened EXACTLY like this. Trust me.

5) Roddy Piper Vs. Mr. T.: WrestleMania 2;

What's the only thing worse than a badly "worked" wrestling match? A badly worked "Boxing match", of course! Seriously. You know when the best boxing match in WWE history lasted about 30 seconds and featured BUTTERBEAN, that maybe it's time to give up the concept.

Speaking of Mr. T, he was one of the most manufactured celebrities in history, and by the time Wrestlemania 2 rolled around he was about 2 minutes past his original "15". Strikes also against T for having Joe Frazier in his corner, instead of HOWLING MAD MURDOCH. I mean, who did Frazier ever beat?....

As for the "match" itself, somewhere along the line, someone in the back watching Rocky 3 must have thought that Mr. T. possessed actual "Boxing skills" and thus decided that the two should pretend to "box" for 10 rounds. Blarrrgghh. But hey, this is a company that honestly believed Hulk Hogan vs. ZEUS had the legs to fucking main event Wrestlemania 6, so ya.

Anyway, the match ends up in a disqualification when Piper bodyslams Mr. T, which is apparently illegal in boxing or something. Who'd have thunk it. Still though, technically, Mr. T is UNDEFEATED At Wrestlemania. Roll that around in your mouth and see how it tastes. Can an Undertaker /Mr. T. showdown be far behind? Please?

4) Andre The Giant Vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Wrestlemania 5;

This was the culmination of a feud between Andre & Jake over The Giant's apparent "phobia" of snakes. Although, if I could drink fucking 300 beers in a row and not DIE like Andre, I doubt I'd be afraid of anything. Just saying.

The late (but sorry, he ain't coming) Big John Studd was the special referee, but that didn't make a difference in this one. Jake did try desperately to make something out of this match, but Andre was completely immobile. More so than usual. It' was like fighting a red wood. Only the redwood had more agility. And better offense. The match ultimately ends up in a Disqualification when Andre attacks Studd and foot locker uniform. Jake would then go on to spend the rest of career trying to match Andre beer for beer. Good times.

3) Hulk Hogan Vs. Sid Justice: Wrestlemania 8;

This was supposed to be Hogan's "last match" as he left WWF to pursue a "Film career". It's true. A film career so outrageously horrendous, that for Ebert to truly pan it, he'd have to dip his arm in a nuclear reactor so to grow at least four more thumbs to put down. Although, Santa had muscles. I don't know how it didn't work.

As for the match? In my opinion, it was the single WORST Main-Event in WrestleMania history for a number of reasons. The main one being that it ended in a cheap DQ, as Papa Shango, a few years away from trading in his voodoo dolls for something that's seen infinitely more pricks in it: PROSTITUTES, missed his cue by like 2 minutes and interfered. As a result, Sid kicked out of Hogan's legdrop. So, ya, for those counting, Sid accomplished two very important Wrestlemania firsts. He kicked out of the finisher that bested every top star in the industry, and he shit his pants at WM 13. Dropping legs and dropping loads. He rules the world, but is a slave to his bowels. No wonder he loves Softball so much. It's the only sport where he can crap himself and blame it on the dirt from sliding into home plate.

2) Undertaker Vs. Giant Gonzalez: WrestleMania 9;

Undertaker may have the most prolific record in Wrestlemania history, but he also is the owner of another record: Being fed the most useless loads in wrestling history for like a decade. And somehow, in the early years, it seems like he was feed these guys exclusively. The worst of the bunch? Giant Gonzalez. Gonzalez was 7'7", so of course Vince automatically hired him. But at least he was bad ass looking. As bad ass as you can be when your hair-laden asshole is airbrushed onto the back of your tights. The main problem with this hiring, though, is that obviously no one ever bothered watching WCW, where El Gigante produced matches so fucking sub-par, that if there is a Hell, Satan himself will be showing him wrestle exclusively looping over and over for all of eternity. You'll be begging for sulfur and eternal burning. Trust me.

So, Undertaker had quite the task here. Normally, I'd say being forced to work an entire 6 month program with Gonzalez would drive a man to suicide, but even if Taker did take his own life, he'd just reanimate again anyway, so it'd be of no use. Damn those immortal otherworldly powers! (just ignore the shoot-fighting gloves. They were kind of hard to come by in the 1800's old West.).

In any event, despite Undertaker having a memorable entrance, the match itself was one of, if not the WORST in WWF History. And that covers A LOT of ground. But I'm telling you, it was so bad, Jackie Gayda would be shaking her head and saying "Holy shit, what an embarrassment!". Then she'd botch walking back to the sofa, all while hoping no one noticed.

This all said, this match was certainly not Taker's fault, as he wasn't able to really carry a match due to the limitations of the character. I mean, you never seen Jason Voorhees fucking small package anybody, right? The whole fault goes to WWF for even booking it in the first place. You can't blame Gonzalez. Blaming him would be like blaming a retard for eating his snot. He doesn't know any better.

Anyway, Gonzalez's "selling" basically consisted of a lot of blinking and pretending to be stunned, all while teetering with the grace of a drunken Irishmen stumbling home. In the end, the match didn't even have a payoff, as Gonzalez choked out Taker with a rag covered in "chloroform" thus drawing a DQ. If only Gonzalez had passed us the rag about 5 minutes before the bell rang. Might have saved us a lot of grief.

1) Brock Lesnar Vs. Goldberg;

Do I even have to mention why this is number 1? It was probably the most disappointing heavily hyped match in WWE history. In fact, it was the equivalent of thinking you were going to bed with Angelina Jolie, then about 30 seconds into it, someone turns on the light and it's fucking Jon Voight ridin' your missile.

This match had a TON of potential. But like one week before, Brock Lesnar decided he'd rather stop laying on top of dudes for a living, and instead try a job where he'd just accept a ball from between their legs. It was still gay as shit, but damn it, it was his gay dream. Or something. All I know is, it was TERRIBLE. So, with his plane idling in the Madison Square Garden parking lot, and Sable checked with the other luggage, Brock came to the ring, and the most uninspired marquee match EVER took place. And why wouldn’t it? Both Lesnar and Goldberg were leaving the next day, so why would they put on a good show? You know, other than professionalism and the fact we paid half our fucking grocery bill that month to watch this shitty match?

That said, the crowd, who apparently got wind of this new fangled “internet” thingy, heard all about both men’s departures, and proceeded to aim their asses directly at the ring and shit on everything that both men did, as both men desperately tried to ignore the crowd, and go through their horrible paint- by-numbers match. NOTE TO WWE: When the crowd chants "THIS MATCH SUCKS", maybe tell them going to an extended five minute rest-hold sequence might not be the best idea ever.

The only thing that somehow redeemed this was Stone Cold (who was referee) laughing at the whole sorted mess. Which was ironic, because he retired so to avoid being involved in matches like this. Yet, the poor bastard was now refereeing his worst nightmare.

Anyway, finally, someone must have called an audible backstage, and the match mercifully ended with a jackhammer by Goldberg. There Goes the Pain.

However, to (jack) hammer home the stinktitude, Vince McMahon actually came out and basically apologized to the crowd. So you know it had to be bad. Because he is still trying to convince the world the fucking XFL was working. Yet, he threw in the towel here like 20 minutes later. Good god.

Well, that's my Top 10 Worst Wrestlemania Matches EVER. These are the moments a motherfucker buys WD-40 for, so to erase these inedible writings in the annals of time. Ten moments so bad, that like guys that won 14 man tournaments for the WWF title, they should be erased from history. No chance of seeing this shit in the hype packages. But hey, if they did, that'd mean people would find out that there was more than two moments in Wrestlemania history . It's true. Despite WWE TV's insistence, HBK riding a fucking zip-line and Hogan and Andre having a staring contest wasn't the only things to ever happen at this event. Imagine that.

The ULTIMATE Triple H Collection!

With the recent overwhelming success of the Ric Flair, Chris Benoit and ECW DVDs, WWE is preparing to release its most EXTENSIVE DVD collection ever, on authority of Stephanie McMahon herself, that will FINALLY encompass the full gamut of greatness of a superstar who needs no introduction, but yet insists on taking 7 minutes with his anyway, TRIPLE H!

Introducing the ULTIMATE TRIPLE H COLLECTION!!! An extensive journey into the career and life and divinity of the Game that can only NOW be told that we have complete control over every wrestling archive ever!

Take a trip into the past and find out the origins of the 100 time World Champion! From the time he defeated Bruno Sammartino in a shocker for the WWWF Championship in 1971, all the way to the birth of HunterMania in 1983 with his shocking upset of Iron Sheik; to Wrestlemania 3 where made history by defeating the legendary Andre The Giant! It’s all here on this 3-disc collection!

Disc Includes over 6 hours of bonus material including his tragic 1975 plane crash with Johnny Valentine…and subsequent one day recovery!

Also, bear witness to his wars in the NWA, AWA, ECW and more, as well as his triumphs in winning previously unwinnable wars in Vietnam and Korea! It's true! Watch him amass championship after championship, and accolade after accolade in timeless classics that previously never existed! Only in the WWE!

Chapters include:

-16 consecutive hour *Real Time* commentary by Triple H;

-HHH ending Bruno Sammartino’s 8 year WWWF Title reign;

-~~Stan Hansen~~ HHH breaks Bruno's neck with a ~~lariat~~  sledgehammer;

-HHH wins his second of 14 WCW/NWA Titles by defeating Harley Race at HunterCade’83!

-HHH controversial defeat of Bob Backlund with the Camel Clutch for the WWF Title!

-The Birth of Huntermania against The Iron Sheik!;

-Hunter doing the damn near impossible by body slamming the near 600 pound Andre The Giant at WrestleMania 3!

-The Birth of Hunter 3:16! "Hunter 3:16 Says I just pinned your ass, thus permanently relegating you to mid-card status!" (first printed T-shirts were some 6 feet wide).

-Plus, never before seen, *exclusive* footage of Hunter defeating Verne Gagne, Dusty Rhodes and Bruno Sammartino all in the same night to become the undisputed Champion of the Universe and NO DOUBT, BEST WRESTLER EVER, even better than Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan and everybody!!!!!! Trust us!

-Plus in a *WWE exclusive*, we take a look back at his championship “pedigree” with a look at his great grandfather, Hunter Hearst Hackenschmidt! Watch as the first HHH overcomes scurvy on the boat ride to America, because the fledgling disease just wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility! Plus, marvel as he becomes wrestling’s first ever recognized Champion by defeating Frank Gotch* in the early turn of the century! Plus *exclusive* footage of his incredible successful title defenses against lower-tier non-drawing non-HHH opponents like Ronald Van Dam! Booker T. Washington! and Chadwick Jericho! BOY DID THEY NOT EVER DRAW.

Plus, Easter Eggs include:

-HHH is revealed as the reborn Christ turning organized religion on its ear! There's a NEW King of Kings in town!

-HHH selflessly saves the environment by creating cold fusion... by burning the bodies of the cruiserweight division for a source of energy! Their perpetual motion is finally coming in handy for something!

-HHH ends the great depression by putting the World Title on himself. Depression then instantly turns to jubilation!

-HHH cures cancer (among many other terminal diseases) with an inspiring 45 minute promo. Locker Room Cancer is still inoperable, however.

-HHH armed only with the awesome pedigree, stops international Tyranny as he thwarts the worlds most heinous evil-doers..by pinning them!

So, own a piece of (revisionist) history, and relive all the classic wrestling moments the way you don’t remember them!….

Order the quintessential DVD now!~ because soon it’s all that’ll be left!**

* Ok, there's no Frank Gotch. President William McKinley kind of just gave him the title. Whatever.

**Seriously. We're not making anymore videos. P.S. HHH is awesome.

WWE FILMS PRESENT:

Last spring, we put together a satire making light of potential WWE films (until WWE upped and topped us with real abortions like the yet to be released “Eye Scream Man.”). Anyway, a year has passed, and with WWE putting out parody movie clips going into Wrestlemania XXI, I decided to put together some *new* TWF movies~! Coming soon to that part of the video store where you find Stallone's "Cobra" and Highlander: Final Dimension for like 3 dollars.

JUNIOR.

Starring Gene Snitsky!

As part of a fertility research project, an angry acne-riddled man with a distaste for unborn children is impregnated. He then runs into a wall repeatedly until he isn't anymore. He however takes no blame for the miscarriage. Not ever. He may kick a few other people's children in the process. I can't remember. That's the movie. Yup.

UNFAITHFUL.

Starring Edge, Lita and Matt Hardy!

A seemingly happy couple (when you discount the fact he publicly dumped her on RAW like 2 years before, but hey, you're not supposed to remember that) is TORN APART, when the wife begins an adulterous affair with a toothy Canadian. The Husband then seeks vindication the only way he knows how: by typing feverishly on the Internet. He was going to brain him to death with a snow-globe, but ruining his reputation via the World Wide Web seemed like a much better idea. Veeeee Oneahhh.

PUNCH DRUNK LOVE.

Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin & Debra!

A beleaguered Texas-Rattlesnake done gets a harmonium and embarks on one of them there romantic journeys with a mysterious woman. He then whips her ass. Government mules may or may not be involved.

OLD SCHOOL.

Starring The Undertaker!

A deadman is disenchanted with his regular Biker life and tries to recapture his immortal zombie powers by forming his own MINISTRY OF DARKNESS. Satanic keggers abound. Frank the Tank may or may not drink Undertaker's blood thus giving him otherworldly vision. Coming soon!

DAVE.

Starring Dave Batista!

To avoid a potentially explosive scandal when the heavily-muscled U.S. President goes into a coma, an affable ANIMAL with an uncanny resemblance, is put in his place. And good thing they found him! Overly muscle-bound guys who spinebuster are really hard to come by these days! Ahem.

THE NEVER ENDING STORY.

Starring HHH!

A troubled Main Eventer dives into a wondrous fantasy world through the pages of a mysterious book! Or maybe that was booking committee. Whichever. He then uses his new supernatural friends to help him hold down the other children who tormented him!*. He then pins those fantasy figures, too. Because, come on. As if anyone would buy a flying hybrid dog/dragon as Champion.

*Challenged his status as top star.

Ok folks, that's it for this month. And thanks for another awesome year here at the Fan. The fact that you keep reading is the *real* reason why we keep sinking lower and lower and becoming much worse human beings as a result. It's all on you. So, here's looking forward to another year of human indecency. Providing I don't do anything worthwhile with my life...or die from alcohol poisoning. Whichever comes first. Or maybe both. Or neither. Whatever.

Ok, Fuck off now.

I’m Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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