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Back-Leg
Frontkick: 06/17/05: In
This Jam-Packed Edition, I Help Matt Hardy
Start Dating Again, Explore Heidenreich's Strange
Transformation From Cole-Raping Poet To Pied Piper; JBL
Serves Blue Meanie A Low-Carb Potato, Harlem
Sewer Mall-Rats,
Orton's Shit Doesn't Stink, Plus The TWF Debut Of
"If They Mated!". All This, Plus Much
More!
 Hey
there, and welcome back to the column that is a lot like
case of herpes; although it may lay dormant for a while,
it always pops up when you least expect it: The
Back-Leg Frontkick.!... Doctor approved, and the
best source for your daily weekly
monthly intake of mindless bullshit.
Anyway, I know
this column has been as frequent as a blowjob after ten
years of marriage, but that's all changed! I'm back,
baby!...well, for this week anyway. From there,
I'll probably go back to doing nothing, and pretty much
feeling zero guilt about it. I'm silly like that.
In any event, first
and foremost, I have to plug the contest to end all
contests: THE 2005 TWF SATIRE
SEARCH!
The feel good event of
the year, and the only place where a person can find a
home amongst other disgruntled, broken, bitter people
who spend far too much time talking about dude's in
their underwear. And you too can have a home
here, where you'll be respected, loved, and perhaps even
violated while you sleep! Sound good? Well, all you have
to do is click here for the contest
guidelines, and soon you could be on your way to
spreading bad taste to the fat masses and annoying
everyone who doesn't understand our twisted little way
of thinking here. And that's not all! It wouldn't be a
contest if you didn't get your fat little grubby paws on
a PRIZE, right? (well, besides my friendship, which I've
calculated to have a net worth of about 55 Canadian
dollars). So, get to it. Because, after all, what do you
have to lose? (Well, besides the contest...and your
dignity...).
Moving
on….
A LOT has
happened since I last left you, and we’ll get to all
that wrestling goodness with a ferocity only seen when
Stephanie tackles a full course breakfast in a moment;
but first, to briefly follow-up the last BLFK, Warrior
never did arrive, luckily sparing me the “fisticuffs” he
promised so many of his other detractors (fisticuffs
meaning about 13 consecutive running clotheslines before
collapsing in the corner to catch his breath). Still
though, there is a minute chance he could STILL arrive
any day now, because after all, it is a pretty
long fucking run fromArizona to Ontario….
Hey, I have
(bitter) opinions! Let’s hear
‘em!...
WRESTLING
DIARRHEA
Normally, I’d
just start with headlines floating around the
net, but there’s far too many things I wanted to talk
about first in no particular order. And hence
“Wrestling Diarrhea” was born; for which the purging of
my opinions will have the same effect as the
uncomfortable, painful, unending flow of shit purged
from the human body when one is painting the bowl. The
only difference is I’ll be using the figurative
image of Vince McMahon to wipe my “ass”, instead of
Cottonelle.
And oh ya, in
case you’re wondering, I’m not really such a sarcastic
asshole, I just play one on the
Internet….
Heidenreich: Be His Friend!...Or
Die!
 Let
us all do the Heidenreich March!...and try to forget
that a giant Aryan superman marching around MAY not be
the most sensitive image to a lot of
folks…
Anyway, our friend
Heidenreich has gone through quite the change lately, as
we’ve seen old’ “Pseudo Sid” transform from rumored
frozen Nazi (who apparently was unthawed just in time to
play a few seasons for the Saints), to discovering the
joys of poetry and anally raping Michael Cole against
the locker room door while reading said Haiku. And I
don’t know about you, but there is clearly only one
place to go after sexually ruining a lead broadcaster
against his will….and that’s surrounding yourself with
children! Holy shit.
In any event,
Heidenreich, seemingly just wants a "friend" now, and in
the interim seems to be drawing his power by associating
with as many underage children as possible (hey, does
Rob Feinstein know of this blatant trademark
infringement?!). And as a result, WWE has
even created a page
on their website where your children can
send in their PHOTOS, and pledge their unwavering
friendship to a 7 foot man, whom I’ve never
once seen wear a single pair of pants in the last
two years. Man, what a great, and not-at-all
inappropriate and creepy
idea!
But all things aside,
I still felt compelled to send my picture in, if
only to see my bearded visage appear on TV with a slew
of school age children, just to freak people out. And
besides, to be totally honest, Heidenreich is still a
lot more interesting than most of my
*real* friends. They don't fuck strangers in the
ass nearly as much as this guy. So, Hedenreich, I'll
be your friend. I just won’t let you read
me any poetry. Or I'll at least wear a chastity
belt over my pristine arsehole while you
do.
Flying Too Close To The Sun On Wings Of
Pastrami
There are two
words I never thought I’d ever hear uttered in
the same sentence, and that was “Viscera” and
“entertaining”, but I have to admit, that’s exactly what
he’s been
lately.
The WWE has
christened the former Mabel, the “500 pound Love
Machine” despite the fact at that weight, it'd be
impossible to "love anything" because his dick
would probably resemble an acorn sitting on his
balls. But hey, that’s beside the point. The funny thing
is, Big Vis is actually registering decent ratings,
hence why he’s been so prominently featured. And here I
thought the only shapeless black blob to draw big
numbers was Oprah. Shows what I know. And that’s
the thing, you never know what will catch on in the WWE.
But you have to run with it. Or in Vis's case, walk
ploddingly slow so to not die with it. Even if it
is a morbidly obese black vampire named after internal
organs lecherously hitting on ring announcers. (I see it
happen
everyday).
Now, if only they
could bring back Sir Mo, and rechristen him, I don’t
know, “Colonary Tract” (because after all, both produce
a lot of shit) I could die a happy man. Men on a
Mission ...to fuck
every white woman on the roster! And eat everything in
sight! It would be GOLD.
 WWE “Feces” The
Truth.
So, it looks like
after two months of having to hear crowds chant “You
screwed Matt”, WWE has finally buckled and gave
the crowd what they really wanted…. Edge &
Lita as an onscreen “couple”….only without the guy who
actually warranted the chants…umm, Matt Hardy... you
know, the guy who Lita really cheated on, and the
guy who elicited the outpour of emotion. Not that Kane's
plight to avenge the betrayal of a woman he tricked into
fucking then forced into marriage isn't
sympathetic...
See, this is why
people say the WWE is clueless now. I mean, how do you
draw money from a “controversy” when the guy whom the
people actually sympathizes with, isn’t even involved.
(as Harry said to me, look for WWE to reveal Kane’s real
name is “Matt Kane” to fill in all the loopholes…). I
mean, that’s the equivalent of doing
fucking Montréal screwjobs without Bret Hart. Oh
wait.
But on a lighter note,
this whole angle is getting hilariously ridiculous.
First, Lita
ONLY NOW decides to get a “divorce”? “You
know, Dr. Phil, I know he forced me into sex, murdered
my true love on my wedding day, and indirectly cost me
my baby, but damn it, I thought I could make it
work!”.
Come on. Seriously. I don’t know about you, but
if I was forced to marry an evil monster , I
might not wait 10 months to get a divorce. But hey,
maybe she just wanted half of everything he owned? Which
I guess would be a mask, a cheerleader's outfit
stained with semen, and umm, that's about it. Good
thinking, Lita. It was really worth
it.
However, Kane isn’t
exactly coming out of this thing with a lot of
credibility, either. I mean, the dude was burned, put in
a mental institution, betrayed by both is father AND
brother, crushed my a limo, fell into a dumpster filled
with fire, had this throat crushed, and still, he keeps
on trucking, but yet, he gets dumped by a woman who
probably has a map of Mexico tattooed on the inside of
her thighs, just to make suitors feel at home, and all
of a sudden he’s blubbering like a teenage girl? I never
pegged a guy a who can propel fire using just his mind
as the Emo type. All of a sudden, I’m getting a picture
of the hulking Kane writing tearfully in his diary,
while eating Häagen-Dazs directly from the container as
Good Charlotte plays on the
radio….
Same Old
Game.
You know, Triple H was gone so
long, I barely recognized him when he came
back…umm, two weeks later. I guess “gone forever” means
something different to everyone. And hey, I know people
like to call HHH a cancer, but at least fucking cancer
has the decency to go into remission
for more than 14 days...
Ya, that's all I wanted to
say.
 COMPLETELY RANDOM
NEWS~!
For those of
you familiar with this column (and how
dare you not be), you'll know that every week,
month, whenever, I usually look at the
Headlines as they appear on actual
reputable sites like Wrestling Observer,
PWInsider and whatever... and from there, I usually
proceed to undo all that journalistic integrity brought
forth by these esteemed luminaries, and make a lot of
tasteless and inappropriate jokes. It's the circle of
life,
baby.
BLACK AND BLUE
MEANIE.
As you've probably all heard, there was a
real-life physical altercation between JBL and Blue
Meanie on last Sunday's ECW PPV, where it's said that
JBL leveled Meanie with legitimate punches, opening up
the stitches he had over his eye from the previous
night's Hardcore Homecoming show. But for those of you
haven't heard, here's the word as reported by
PWInsider.com:
"Several people live, as well as WWE
sources, have confirmed that during the brawl at the end
of tonight's ECW PPV, that JBL went after Blue Meanie
and threw several real punches at his face, bloodying
him up. A lot of the wrestlers who were in the ring and
saw this looked really mad. Reports were Al Snow, who
trained Meanie, visually looked the most upset. The two
have heat dating back to Meanie's days in WWF, and JBL
cut a promo on Meanie on Smackdown which was edited off
the show a few weeks
back."
And almost immediately, The Blue Meanie corroborated
these accusations as seen here, courtesy of his
MySpace.com
Blog:
"What turned out to be a beautiful
weekend came to end on a sour note. I guess by now you
all know what happened last night between Bradshaw and
myself. It’s no secret that Bradshaw never liked me from
my first day in the WWE to my last. What I did to the
guy to piss him off I don’t know but then maybe I never
needed to know. Bradshaw has always had the rep of being
a bully and a liberty taker in the ring and he also has
a rep of getting away with
it.
Once the ECW/WWE brawl started I
paired of with Coach and I felt a punch come from out of
nowhere. My first instinct was to hit back BUT I also
had the issue of trying to protect the 14 staples I have
in my head. I got some rib shots in the best I could but
he got the upper hand with going to my face, opening a
fresh wound on my forehead and swelling my
eye.
All I saw was red as the blood fill
me eyes and I believe it was Maven I pulled on top of me
to get him to “choke” me. After he got cleared out guys
came up to check on me and we went on the other deal
with Austin and Bischoff and the big post brawl party in
the ring. As F***ed up as what Bradshaw did, the crowd
reaction had me so buzzed that I didn’t feel
anything.
I got to the back and Bradshaw was in
a part of the gorilla position. He came over like he was
going to do something else but people got in between. He
was yelling about me talking about him on the Internet.
The rest of what he said I didn’t hear cause I was too
busy saying, “Yo, it’s a work!” and “Dude, the business
is a F***in work!!” So I did the best thing anyone could
ever do in the situation and just walked
away.
I got stitched up and said my good
byes. A lot of the guys were pissed and asked what
happened. When I told them they were pissed even more.
We got home and all I have been doing is popping Aleve
and icing my face and reflecting. All this happened over
was me calling him a bully. Well John……… you just proved
me right.
In closing I want to say thank you to
everyone who ran Hardcore Homecoming Friday night. I
wanna say thank you to the WWE for giving EC Dub an
opportunity to shine last night. I wanna say to the rest
of the WWE workers and staff a big thank you for the
hospitality. It was great catching up with all of you.
To my EC Dub brothers and sisters I wanna say I love
you. I was in heaven seeing all of you this weekend and
doing it one more time. To the fans I wanna say I love
you because with out the fans we wouldn’t have been
anywhere without you this past weekend. I will be going
back to icing my face and ponder if I will be wrestling
on this weekends 3PW show. I will probably pull off of
it so I can properly heal these stitches and staples.
Plus we all know chicks dig scars.
"
And from there, here's a follow-up that
paints JBL in a far more flattering light: (once
again courtesy of
PWInsider.com)
"Sources with questionable motives
have been making the claim that because JBL "kisses
Vince McMahon's ass," he will be immune from any
punishment from WWE officials for his actions at the ECW
PPV. While it's very likely JBL won't be hit with a
stiff punishment, the JBL situation has been the victim
of very biased reporting that doesn't even reflect true
journalism.
For starters, WWE
management does take what Bradshaw did very seriously;
if for nothing else than the fact that he shot on an
outside talent who, if interested, could potentially
bring some sort of case against WWE. The odds of that
happening are not likely, but WWE assumes far more
liability when an outside talent gets hurt working a
one-night gig than it does with a roster member (see the
Holly-Dupree situation). Before the PPV, wrestlers were
also instructed to keep everything professional, which
further makes JBL's actions seem
deplorable.
Again, the odds of JBL receiving a major
punishment are unlikely - he may not receive anything
more than a slap on the wrist. But, the claims that WWE
is "laughing off" the situation due to JBL's
relationship with Vince are wholly without merit. This
is a serious issue behind closed
doors.
As for JBL's side of the story, there are
conflicting reports going around. Virtually everyone has
sought a motive in the fact that JBL and Meanie have
past heat; JBL, however, reportedly made the claim that
he didn't throw the first punch. It's not known if
there's anything to his story, but JBL has apparently
responded to the allegations with a provocation
defense."
Call me crazy, but somehow I think I might
be siding with Blue Meanie here. Despite the above's
claims that JBL is the "victim". Holy shit, that's like
blaming Robin Givens for running into Mike Tyson's
fucking fists. But on a lighter note, Meanie
is right, chicks do dig scars. And they
fucking better in his case, because when
your
girlfriend is best known for setting the world record
for most consecutive cocks in a row, I'm thinking she's
doesn't exactly have the right to be too judgmental of
you....
In any event, I find it funny that for a guy
who claims that he doesn't care about the Internet
(JBL), he sure got pissed off enough about someone
talking about him on it. And you know what? Proving
you're "not really a bully" by decking someone in the
grill, probably isn't the best way to prove your point.
In fact, it's actually the equivalent of saying to
someone accusing you of racism: "I am NOT a racist,
Nigger!". So, with that said, here’s a tip for JBL; If
you don't want things appearing on the internet
that reflect badly on your character, STOP BEING A
FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Call it preventive douchebaggery.
You'll be surprised just how well people start to
think of you when you're not a complete fucking
tool.
Anyway, once this story broke, net writers
and people on message boards across the web who demand
respect despite calling themselves things like ASTEROID
BOY, began insisting that JBL be fired from the
WWE. Not going to happen, folks. And as much as
the thought of Bradshaw having to find gainful
employment in another industry where he could no longer
soap people's asses in the shower, or force new talent
to participate in some asinine "Wrestler's court" would
be hilarious (Bradshaw could very easily transition into
the fast food industry, where his apparent skills at
handing out big old potatoes can be more appreciated),
it just ain't gonna happen in our life time. WWE has
invested too much time and money into Bradshaw to do
anything that drastic. And besides, if the guy got the
fucking WWE Title after causing a near international
incident last year, I doubt punching one pudgy little
Indy guy in the face is going to start a fucking WWE
revolution. Hell, JBL could have goose stepped with
Meanie under his arm in Israel, then thrown him into an
oven, and made a lamp shade out of his cut-offs, and WWE
STILL wouldn't bat a fucking
eye.
It's just the way of the world. The
"haves" get all the breaks, and the "have nots" just
have to accept it, wear half shirts, and pretend
their girlfriend's loveholes haven't been filled with
enough strange DNA to repopulate the earth a
billion times over. That's why guys like O.J.
Simpson can continue to work in a game of golf
in between beating the shit out of his current
girlfriend, and Michael Jackson can still
have sleepovers, while having 5 year olds wear
pirate costumes and playing a spirited game of
"pin the penis on the asshole.". Sometimes in life
there is no justice. Unless you choose to seek it
yourself. Where is the Angelic Diablo Matt
Hardy when you need him!? Someone shine the
MATT SYMBOL onto his computer screen~! He's
needed!
GET THIS MAN SOME
ADVIL!
 Courtesy
of
PWInsider:
"The word is Tommy Dreamer is suffering from
an ear injury, but this was not caused by the flaming
table spot, but instead was probably caused by a
headshot. Dreamer has had some problems hearing since
the PPV."
For whatever reason, I found this
kind of funny. All day since reading that, I got the
visual of Tommy Dreamer looking like Anakin Skywalker
crawling out of the pit in Mustafar, and going up to a
Pharmacist while charred body parts fell off, saying :
"Do you have any Aspirin?...my EAR is just killing
me!"
Man, dude went through a fucking flaming table
and SURVIVES, yet all he gets a little water
on the ear. I must be hardcore then, because I'm as
bloated as shit and have no equilibrium either. Where's
my ECW Title reign?
But still, you do kind of have to laugh
at the irony that perhaps Tommy Dreamer is like a modern
day Achilles; you know, where he is totally
invincible except for one small vulnerability. Fire
can't kill Tommy Dreamer...but he can be done in by a
case of athlete's foot. Falling 30 feet onto cement has
no effect on this man, yet
he has an inability to consume dairy without some
lactaid on hand.
I could go on (but I won't...lucky
you.).
All kidding aside, get better Tommy.
You're THE MAN. You helped make that show for me.
Oh, but next time you're going to be SMASHED THROUGH
A GASOLINE
COVERED TABLE, be sure to wear some ear-muffs.
Might save you some unneeded pain!
Ahem.
 OH BABY.
Courtesy of
PWInsider:
"Before the
action got underway at ECW One Night Stand this past
Sunday, there was nearly action backstage with Francine
and Dawn Marie said to be involved in a near
altercation. Dawn Marie believes Francine blew her off
upon entering the arena, which she found very
patronizing as she is now a WWE star while Francine was
an
outsider.
Francine had the following to say to
PWInsider.com: “This did not happen that way. Dawn came
over to me and said “Hi”. I extended my hand to her and
we shook hands. I then said “How are you?” She said, “I
see you are as pleasant as ever”, rolled her eyes and
walked away. I just ignored her comments. If she called
me a b***h, I didn’t hear it. I didn’t disrespect her in
any way and I did shake her hand. We are not the best of
friends but I shook her hand because it was the right
thing to do. Whoever told the story is lying to make me
look bad. There were people standing with me that saw me
shake her hand.”
Many feel there would have been a
physical altercation between the pair had Dawn Marie not
been pregnant. Another thing which is likely to have
upset Marie is that Francine ironically took her spot at
the end of the show when she was involved in a cat fight
with Beulah, who she apparently has heat with stemming
back from their ECW days."
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in
“heat” with these women, than have heat with them. But
I’m sick like that. And yes, that may also include a
very pregnant Dawn Marie, who was only outdone in the
potbelly department last Sunday by the Sandman, who is
either the biggest alcoholic in wrestling history, or a
miracle of modern
science!
I could further go into some
rambling soliloquy on the above Francine/Dawn topic, but
really, who cares? What in the world could they be
jealous of each other about? All three had the same
exact fucking act. You know, roll around, get piledrived
by Tommy Dreamer, etc. Now, I could talk
about how I'd mark out if the two rolled around in a cat
fight, only for Dawn's placenta to come spilling out,
but you know, I’d much rather talk about whether
I’d have sex with Dawn Marie, for which I’ve given a
great deal of thought. And the answer is indeed “yes”, I
would. After all, at least with a pregnant woman,
there is no mystery. You already know for a fact that
they put out. So, my thinking is this: Just because she
has a “bun in the oven” doesn’t mean there ain’t room
for a “hotdog” too....
And yes, my friends, I actually had
nothing constructive or witty to say on this story, and
this is all I could come up with. I was
originally going to talk about how hard it would be
for Dawn to deliver Al Wilson jr., bifocals and all, but
I thought better of it. Thank
God.
BETWEEN A BROCK AND HARD
PLACE.
 The
latest court fun with everyone’s favorite Football
tackling dummy:
Courtesy of...you guessed
it….PWInsider.com:
Brock
Lesnar's attorneys filed a memorandum opposing World
Wrestling Entertainment's motion to extend the court's
time before issuing a summary judgment in Lesnar's
lawsuit against them on 6-9-05. The WWE motioned that
they needed more time for discovery on a number of
claims.
Lesnar’s
lawyers have agreed to grant the WWE 20 days for
discovery, but do not want an extension issued regarding
when the court will issue a summary judgment.
Am I the only one who pictures Brock showing
up to court in his wrestling gear, wearing a football
helmet, all while making a grand entrance by parachuting
out of his umm,
“Here Comes the Plane”? Also, am I the only one
kinda baked while I write this? Umm,
probably….
Anyway, apparently one of the big
contentions in this case is over whether or not
Lesnar breached his release agreement when he showed up
on a New Japan show. And of course, his people
will argue that the agreement (that he
willingly signed) is unfair. And it all stems on
whether or not Brock’s lawyers can actually prove
to the court that he has grounds that the
release that he (once again willingly) signed, is
hindering him from making a fair living. HERE COMES THE
PLAINTIFF.
I personally think the best
course of action would be to bring in his
girlfriend, Sable, as a sympathetic witness. I mean,
sure it wouldn’t change shit as far as the case goes,
but who wouldn’t feel sorry for a guy with a girlfriend
that old? (who likely disintegrates into a fine particle
mist upon contact.) So, come on Brock, use the
old George Costanza “Andrea Dorea” defense; it worked
for George, and it can work for you too!
Brock: “In closing, these
stories have not been embellished, because they need no
embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story
of my life as a tall, stocky, slow-witted, muscle-bound
man.”
 NO SHIT YOU
SAY?
Former WWE “Diva”… and
Randy Orton turd recipient (or so we thought) Rochelle
Loewen was recently interviewed at The Voice of
Wrestling to
discuss her short stint in the company, and shed some
light on the alleged fecal habits of the Legend
Killer.
Here is the gist of that interview courtesy once
again of PWInsider.com, with my (stupid) comments thrown
in
in-between…
"Backstage
resentment toward the women with no history in wrestling
and little to no product knowledge prior to coming in
was felt quite often by Rochelle Loewen. However, it was
the other women in the back that typically showed their
displeasure, not the men. "For me to just come on in and
not do the diva search," Loewen explained, "there was a
little animosity, I suppose. I don't think the men
really cared."
Hmm,
so, the other Divas are upset over
Rochelle Loewan just moseying into the WWE, all
without ever having to “pay her
dues”?…You know, GRUELING dues, like
sitting in pies, mashing ice cream into their
tits, and tweaking Kamala’s nipples like the rest
of the crew. And you know what? I AGREE. It IS
insulting that Rochelle actually had the NERVE and
AUDACITY to just walk off the street while VETERANS
like Maria, Candice and Joy had to BUST their asses week
in and week out.... by doing absolutely nothing of
note. Is there no justice?!...
"This left very little reasoning for the
incident between Loewen and Randy Orton. Although
Rochelle does say Orton vandalized her belongings, the
extreme version found on the 'net is not true. "It was
just merely self-tanning lotion and baby oil," Rochelle
revealed what she found in her bag, "but I wouldn't put
it past him to s***t in my bag". The story behind what
led to this and Loewen's comments about the "true" Randy
Orton are what got very interesting.
"
Meh. I liked the version where he shits in
the bag a lot better. What is this fucking summer camp
in the 1960’s? Did Orton short-sheet her bed and fly her
underwear up a flag pole,
too?
However,
I’d wonder about that “tanning lotion” though…. Hey,
just saying. And hey, if you mysteriously find yourself
pregnant after putting on some of the panties in that
bag, don’t say I didn’t warn
you…..
"Loewen
claims Orton had a vendetta against her the entire time
she was with the company speculating it was due to the
fact she didn't know his name. "Prior to being with the
WWE," she said, "I didn't aim to go and work for the
WWE. WWE came and asked me to work for them. In lieu of
that, I wasn't a big fan and I didn't know a lot about
wrestling". Despite being a fan now and loving the
business, Rochelle wasn't familiar with everyone's name
at first and when she met Orton, she told him he looked
familiar. He agreed and asked her where he knew her
from. "Are you from Canada," she responded. After
looking her up and down, Orton (according to Loewen)
said before storming off, "I hate Canada and I hate
you!"
Dude...How could you hate
Canada? We're the one's that pretty much forced your
premature babyface turn at last year's Summer Slam, and
caused about a half year's worth of really bad force-fed
angles that never worked with you and Triple H, and
ended up halting your Title run and pushing you
back into the mid-card. On second thought, ya, hate
Canada all you want....
"Wow...welcome to bazoogaville," Rochelle
thought after the confrontation with Orton, "what kind
of person behaves like that?" Later that day, Loewen
claims Orton did more things that were "inappropriate
and verbally abusive", but didn't explain what they
were, just that she didn't really pay any attention to
them. "Near the end of the day, I was doing a pre-tape
with Mr. Bischoff," she continues, "and it took us about
an hour or two. Then I went back to the changing room
and all of my belongings...my very, very nice
belongings...had been totally destroyed by Randy Orton
who had snuck into the female changing room". The lotion
and baby oil had been smeared all over her belongings.
OH NO~! Not NICE belongings! THAT'S THE
WORST! Damn you, Randy! A prank immediately ceases
to be funny when obscenely and ridiculously overpriced
women's clothing is
RUINED.
Oh, and by
the way, maybe if it takes you TWO HOURS to film a
30 second backstage vignette with Eric Bischoff, you
just might be in the wrong
profession....
According to Rochelle, it wouldn't have
mattered if it was "Wal-Mart crap" in the bag or stuff
from Salvation Army, it would have still been horrible.
A somewhat funny story as she was leaving...she ran into
Johnny Ace who very excitedly asked how her first day
was with the WWE. "I was like, 'you want the honest
truth, or do you want me to lie' and he's like
'honestly'," she laughs, "I said 'well basically, it was
horrible, I won't even be compensated enough from
today's work to cover the damages rendered to my
personal belongings'". Johnny even assumed it was Orton.
"It was no secret that he had a hard-on for me".
HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF
WALMART! Didn't you know that Wal-Mart stores are
stocked with the latest products, and fun, info-packed
events? AND WHERE I ASK YOU, IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO GET
HUGE MASON JARS FILLED WITH PICKLES FOR UNDER 3 DOLLARS?
Hmmmm? You should be ashamed of yourself, Ms. Loewan.
Right now, somewhere, there's an 80 year old man out
there who hands out carts and multi-colored Anti-theft
stickers, and he's CRYING at your callous insensitivity,
Rochelle. Good
going.
And as for the John Laurenitis
"hard-on" comment: Be gentle with him. You have to
remember he had to go down on Mrs. Baba for YEARS, just
to keep his position in All-Japan. Can you really
blame the man, if he lusted after a woman for
once, who wasn't likely ruined by the strange,
disproportioned genitalia of one Shoei "Giant"
Baba?
"The reason
Randy Orton did what he did had nothing to do with the
competition," she disclaimed, "his behavior had
everything to do with how pathetic this person is, how
psycho he is, and how his mentality is completely
off-key with what normal mentalities should be. Maybe
momma wasn't nice to him when he was a little boy or
dropped him on his head too many times. He had some real
issues with beautiful women," she said, "I don't know
what they are, but he definitely does."
Yes, he
does have a problem with "beautiful women"... he doesn't
like it when they don't have sex with him. Open and shut
case, me thinks. As for his mama dropping him on his
head, I beg to differ. There's is NO WAY that Cowboy
Bob, a consummate professional in the ring, would marry
a woman who didn't possess the same uncanny timing and
near perfect workrate as him. Bob is a
TECHNICIAN in the ring, and I'd expect that same pride
and craftsmanship from Mrs. Orton on the change table.
Even if changing was difficult because her broken arm
never ever fucking heals.
According to Loewen,
Orton's infatuation with her turned to jealousy when she
moved to Smackdown! "I became very good friends with
Mark Jindrak who is Randy Orton's best friend," she told
the hosts, "and I would travel with Mark and Rey
[Mysterio] and I'm sure that ate Randy alive. In fact,
Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection
of perfection, for a while because of that". To squash
any rumors this could potentially start, the hosts
confirmed she wasn't interested in Jindrak. "I really
got along with him," she responded, "I thought he was a
great guy, same with Mysterio".
"In
fact, Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the
reflection of perfection, for a while because of
that". Huh. Maybe it's because you refer to
him as "the reflection of perfection." Just saying.
But at least, she quashed the rumors immediately about
being interested in Jindrak. Although, I don't see why.
Did you know he has an AMAZING vertical leap? The man
can actually leap in the air...a good 5 feet, and KICK
ANOTHER MAN RIGHT IN HIS FACE! What more could you want
in a potential mate?! Charisma? Any sort of appeal
whatsoever? What's wrong with
you.
"Ending the discussion on Randy
Orton, Loewen ended with some fairly strong words:
He's an animal...he's an absolute animal.
What kind of man acts like that when he likes a
beautiful woman? This guy is just absolutely out to
lunch..he's just
retarded!"
No, he's not retarded. He just uses
too many chinlocks when he wrestles. But ya, what kind
of man acts like that when he likes a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? I
agree, absolutely! How about an UGLY woman,
though? Surely you can harass them,
right?!
In any event, I'm starting to think
these two have A LOT more in common then they think, and
I for one am SICKENED. (So much so, that I could barely bring
myself to masturbate repeatedly to
this nude
photo of her.....
).
Anyway, there is a moral to this
story, folks. Rochelle, if you EVER want to be gainfully
employed in the world of professional wrestling, either
start wearing your gear to the arena, or learn to buy
your carryall or gym bag from the same dude who makes
Scott Steiner’s hats. And Randy, learn to jump a little
bit higher with your dropkick. If you could add a good
4-6 inches to your leap, I’m convinced she’d have put
out.
 THE MATT HARDY
SHOW!
Finally, the day all overweight Emos
and other social misfits have been waiting for has
arrived! So, stop making your shitty message board sigs
made with pictures of Matt photoshopped holding your
pudgy hand, and rejoice! For The Matt Hardy Show is
FINALLY here… and ready to lift you (well, actually,
that’d be physically impossible) from your rut, as Matt
Hardy apparently takes you inside his world of
Mattitude …and quasi-psychotic
vigilantism!
Anyway, Matt has apparently put up a
preview of the “reality” show that chronicles the day to
day life of Matt Hardy, his family and friends.
Here’s what awaits us:
Well, first, he uses Lita’s
Divas poster for target practice as he unloads clip
after clip into the extreme diva’s glossy forehead. And
surprisingly, Lita poster somewhat holds the same level
of promo ability and charisma as the real thing,
and blows not nearly as many spots. (spots, that is, and
not Canadians). And from there (as if committing
poster homicide wasn’t enough), he proceeds to finish
off Lita poster by crushing it beneath the wheels of his
car. But still, there’s MORE. Cameos include Brother
Jeff, who we see get pelted with eggs! And he no sells
said projectiles! Of course, one could argue that
having a viscous liquid roll down his back is a regular
matter of course for Jeff, but I won’t because that
would be WRONG. And finally, we see several images of
“Lori”, apparently a female friend of Matt’s, who more
than fills Lita’s (extremely HUGE) void if you ask me.
But answer me this! Can she moonsault? And if so, can
she land with pinpoint accuracy onto an erect penis? I
may have my own selfish reasons for asking
this.
Anyway, I think I may have to watch and LOVE
this reality show, and you should, too. And sure, nobody
gets voted off an Island, or even gets a job mopping up
after The Donald, …but Jeff Hardy GETS PELTED WITH
EGGS. What more could you want? Rocks?
Maybe.
Click here for the preview:
www.thematthardyshow.com/intro/.
 BAD NEWS FOR
SHOPLIFTERS.
From the "where are they now" file,
this just struck me funny:
Remember
Bad News Brown? The man who once gave Randy Savage
A LOT of headaches over the WWF title in late 1988,
after accusing Elizabeth of protecting Savage’s title
reign by sleeping with Jack Tunney? As if that'd
ever work. There's never been one
documented account of someone fucking someone in a
position of authority that ever led to career
opportunities in this company. Not ever.
Well, that all said, maybe
it was Bad News himself who should have done
“favors” for the late WWF President, because today he’s
traded in his trademark black glove and black trunks for
a walkie-talkie and a telescopic nightstick, as a Mall
Security Guard! These days, unfortunately the only
"ghetto blasters" he’s on the look out for, are the
one’s scofflaws try to walk off with unpaid for from the
Radio Shack. And God have mercy on those spineless
cockroaches and yellow belly sharecroppers who DARE
loiter by the Laura Secord stand, or not responsibly
dump the contents of their food-court tray into the
designated trash receptacle. If they're not careful,
they could get kicked in the back of the head when they
least expect it. If those painfully tight &
unflattering police pants allow that kind of
flexibility.
If there's one thing I’ve
learned in my travels, it’s that you
just don’t trust Bad News Brown. Even if he does
have a nifty faux police hat, and a series of keys to
the handicap shitter. I think it's great though, that
he's found a new career. I just wait on the day
however when he retires and gets his gold
watch, and an angry Bret Hart suddenly grabs
it from him and throws it on the ground so it shatters.
It'll be sad.
 Matt Hardy, Back On The Market!
For those of us
who have been following the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge
situation, we all know Matt isn’t exactly taking things
that well. And who can’t relate? All of us at one time
or another have had a woman put the screws to us, so
much so, that just like Matt, the only comfort we can
find seemingly is in the unforgiving world of gun-toting
vigilantism. Ok, maybe not.
Anyway, it’s time to turn that frown
upside down, mister, and get back on that horse!
(not Lita).
So, with
that said, I’ve taken it upon myself to get that ball
rolling and help you become that Sensei of Mattitude we
all know and love! See, in my travels on the Internet, I
came across a website sponsored by Esquire magazine
(meh, don’t ask) called “Brutally Honest
Personals”,
where all the pretensions of regular dating are
eliminated, in favor of: THE TRUTH. See, *finally*,
there’s a place where the woman of your dreams can await
you, and all without having to deal with the rumors and
secrets of your previous squeeze. With “Brutally Honest
Personals” you’ll never have to wonder why people like
Danny Doring always seem to buy Lita gag gifts like rain
slickers and umbrellas, again. Because, you’ll know all
their deepest darkest secrets AHEAD of time! So, never
again will you scratch your head when you find a box of
lucha masks marked "trophies".
But hey, I know what people are
thinking; “He’s a professional wrestler, and avenger
of wrongdoings! Surely he can get his OWN women, no
problem!”
But I think I know better. While most people
would put you on a pedestal, I know that you’re just a
regular guy, and you put on your purple amoeba pajama
pants one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. So,
to spare you the trouble, I HAVE enrolled you at
Brutally Honest Personals,
myself!
Here’s is the Profile I
submitted for one Matthew Moore Hardy. (When
playing Trivia with George Costanza, his middle name is
actually pronounced 'Moops'). As per their
request, I filled it out as honestly as
possible….
Name: Matthew Moore
Hardy
Age:
30
From: Cameron, North
Carolina.
Weight: 225
lbs.
Height:
6’2”
Sex:
Sure, why
not?
Hair:
Some.
Eyes:
Two.
Sense of
humor:
None.
Living
Situation: Currently alive.
Length of
last relationship: I
think she was about
5’7”.
Children: Almost. I truthfully
believed my now-Ex was carrying my child, but
unfortunately that turned out to be the child of a seven
foot demon who blackmailed her for sex in exchange for
not killing me, and so he could carry on his evil legacy
through offspring. (true
story).
Religion:
Mattitude.
Occupation: When I’m not wrestling,
I hunt down those who do wrong to others and punish them
accordingly.
Turn
ons: Guns and ladders, but maybe not in that
order.
Turn
offs: Overweight teenage girls (this one might get
me in trouble  ), mask wearing Mexicans (I have my
reasons), FECES; long-haired Canadians with too many
teeth who steal other people’s girlfriends,
especially while their boyfriend was off rehabbing his
knee and writing really cool new facts about
himself, while that same FECES gets all the
opportunities while I, he sits at home
plotting my his
revenge.
Scars,
birth marks etc: YES!!!! And it will become a symbol!
Best pickup
line: The scar will become a
symbol and Matt Hardy will be that symbol because the
physical Matt Hardy that you see in front of you will
one day die, but the spiritual Matt Hardy will never
die. I will not die. I will not die. Matt Hardy, the
Angelic Diablo, will not die." -- (this usually
starts working after they have about a half dozen Black
Russians.).
Special
talents or abilities:
I’m really good at jumping off really high objects,
yelling really loudly and unintelligibly whenever I
climb things; and I make
this hand gesture
A LOT, which I’m surprised to hear pleases the ladies a
great
deal.
Looking
for: I’m looking for a woman* who’s never been to
Mexico (I have my reasons) and who would never have
anything to do with a lousy Canadian, even if he had
long blond hair and carried a strange brief case
everywhere he went.
*Also, you must wear a thong, answer to the name
“Amy”, and possess the ability to do full somersaults
off high
places.
Final
words: Maybe you're just the MF'er I'm looking
for! Let’s hook up. Just you and me, a table for
two (that I promise I won’t smash you through) and a
quiet evening listening to the many quirky facts about
me. (we can talk about you later) Veeeeeeee
Oneahhhhhh!
Well, there you go, brother- man. And, Matt, when
you’re getting a little TLC (no pun intended) with one
of these lovely ladies, you can thank
me.
Sincerely,
Sean
Carless
Ontario Chapter of
MF'ers. (Actual Motherfuckers).
IF THEY
MATED!
If you've ever watched the Conan
O'Brien show, you might be familiar with a little
something called "If they mated"... a
skit, where they take two celebrity "couples"
and see what would happen if they were to ever have
children together. With that said, I thought it'd be
interesting to take several "couples" in the WWE, splice
their varying genetics together, and see what the fuck
crawls out of our
replicater....
Stacy Keibler and
Test!
It's
sad, I heard they were no longer a couple, but
regardless, let's take a look into our crystal ball and
see the fully grown offspring of the leggy Miss
Keibler, and Test... who has some good
qualities,too, I'm sure. Somewhere.
Maybe...
Sweet
Jesus! Where's fucking Chunk when you need him? This
looks like Sloth's slightly hotter sister (if that makes
any sense). Man, Test, what do they put in the water
there in Toronto? Maybe "Test" is actually his
last name and Nuclear is his first? Might
explain a few fucking
things.
...Still, she does seem to be really enjoying
that sucker,
though...
Torrie Wilson and Billy
Kidman!
Ah, this
is more like it. Two fresh faced All-American kids
in love! Surely the offspring of a two-time Playboy
Playmate has to be attractive,
right?
Oh Dear Lord.... I think this
dude taught me guitar in the 6th grade! What a chin
though, eh? You could chop down a fucking sequoia
with that thing! Surely, if Torrie ever
gets this particular bun in the oven, the
most humane thing to do is for Billy to lay Torrie down,
and break out one of his "Chavo-killing" Shooting
star
presses...
Viscera and Lillian
Garcia!
Ok, this
will be interesting. I'm actually curious to see
what happens when you combine the genetic make-up
of one morbidly obese African American, with the
sultry melodic voice of one Lillian
Garcia...
Ladies
and Gentleman: MISS ARETHA FRANKLIN!!! Hey , you
can't make these things
up!
Edge and
Lita!
Ok,
certainly not a popular pairing, but an interesting one
to say the least. Let us see what Lita has in store for
the delivery
room...
Holy
shit! Truthfully, I was expecting something with
about 200 hundred extra teeth that gets injured every
two months or so, but this is SO MUCH WORSE. Who knew
that the genetics of Edge and Lita would create a
fucking Ozark Hillbilly?! I mean you just know "it's"
captured a few stray hitch hikers in the hills for God
knows what... Still though, it does have great
tits, I'll give it
that...
Anyway,
I think we can agree on one thing, Gene Snitsky's
services may be needed again if only for the sake of our
eyes, stomachs, and humanity as a
whole.
Kurt Angle and
Sharmell!
Ok, Ok,
so their not "really" a couple, but it still hasn't
stopped Kurt from lusting after Mrs. Booker T. in
hopes of mounting her in the old "referee's
position."
Anyway,
let's see what happens when Kurt's Olympic boys
swim,
Sucka!
WOW. Man, I think maybe Kurt should
rethink his whole Sharmell
obsession...
Who knew
that these two would create a hybrid of Serena
Williams and fucking Gallagher? It smashes water melons
with a giant mallet, then gleefully eats the
shards. I never meant that to sound so
racist...
Still though, I got to take my hat off to that
sweet dreadlock/horse-shoe combo. It's like what Hulk
Hogan would look like if he moved to Haiti and started
selling pot for a
living.
HHH and
Stephanie!
Hey, for
years we've all wondered when HHH and Stephanie would
produce an heir to Vince's throne (despite what poor
Shane and his wife may think), and we now may have the
answer to that. The future of the WWE empire lays
below...
Let us
now find out what happens when you mix the most
prominent features of both Triple H and Stephanie
McMahon!:
....Hmmm, makes sense to
me.
Ok,
that's it for this edition, but before we go, let me
show this
picture of the
aforementioned Stephanie McMahon, sent to me by
Harry Simon. It is, without a doubt, the WORST picture
I've ever seen taken of the woman. And I
know some of you get upset when I make light of Big
Steph, but I only do so because I care. It's kind of
like how you try and protect your children when
they're about to do something unwise or stupid. That,
and I want to fuck her between the
tits. Unfortunately though, HHH's
Cro-Magnon genetics seem to be somehow
permeating this once delicate flower,
and in turn, physically obliterating her, thus
ruining this not-at-all-inappropriate and
completely unrealistic fantasy for me. You know,
it's as if Triple H is some sort of vampire,
who instead of transforming his victims into
creatures of the undead, just turns them into
scary looking dudes instead. Man. It just goes to
show you, NO GOOD in ANY aspect of the wrestling business has
ever came from allowing HHH to lay on top of
you...
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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(C) Copyright 2003-2010- The Wrestling
Fan/Sean Carless. All Rights
Reserved. |
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