Many feel there would have been a physical altercation between the pair had Dawn Marie not been pregnant. Another thing which is likely to have upset Marie is that Francine ironically took her spot at the end of the show when she was involved in a cat fight with Beulah, who she apparently has heat with stemming back from their ECW days."

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in “heat” with these women, than have heat with them. But I’m sick like that. And yes, that may also include a very pregnant Dawn Marie, who was only outdone in the potbelly department last Sunday by the Sandman, who is either the biggest alcoholic in wrestling history, or a miracle of modern science!

I could further go into some rambling soliloquy on the above Francine/Dawn topic, but really, who cares? What in the world could they be jealous of each other about? All three had the same exact fucking act. You know, roll around, get piledrived by Tommy Dreamer, etc. Now, I could talk about how I'd mark out if the two rolled around in a cat fight, only for Dawn's placenta to come spilling out, but you know, I’d much rather talk about whether I’d have sex with Dawn Marie, for which I’ve given a great deal of thought. And the answer is indeed “yes”, I would. After all, at least with a pregnant woman, there is no mystery. You already know for a fact that they put out. So, my thinking is this: Just because she has a “bun in the oven” doesn’t mean there ain’t room for a “hotdog” too....

And yes, my friends, I actually had nothing constructive or witty to say on this story, and this is all I could come up with. I was originally going to talk about how hard it would be for Dawn to deliver Al Wilson jr., bifocals and all, but I thought better of it. Thank God.

BETWEEN A BROCK AND HARD PLACE.

The latest court fun with everyone’s favorite Football tackling dummy:

Courtesy of...you guessed it….PWInsider.com:

Brock Lesnar's attorneys filed a memorandum opposing World Wrestling Entertainment's motion to extend the court's time before issuing a summary judgment in Lesnar's lawsuit against them on 6-9-05. The WWE motioned that they needed more time for discovery on a number of claims.

Lesnar’s lawyers have agreed to grant the WWE 20 days for discovery, but do not want an extension issued regarding when the court will issue a summary judgment.

Am I the only one who pictures Brock showing up to court in his wrestling gear, wearing a football helmet, all while making a grand entrance by parachuting out of his umm,  “Here Comes the Plane”? Also, am I the only one kinda baked while I write this? Umm, probably….

Anyway, apparently one of the big contentions in this case is over whether or not Lesnar breached his release agreement when he showed up on a New Japan show. And of course, his people will argue that the agreement (that he willingly signed) is unfair. And it all stems on whether or not Brock’s lawyers can actually prove to the court  that he has grounds that the release that he (once again willingly) signed, is hindering him from making a fair living. HERE COMES THE PLAINTIFF.

I personally think the best course of action would be to bring in his girlfriend, Sable, as a sympathetic witness. I mean, sure it wouldn’t change shit as far as the case goes, but who wouldn’t feel sorry for a guy with a girlfriend that old? (who likely disintegrates into a fine particle mist upon contact.) So, come on Brock, use the old George Costanza “Andrea Dorea” defense; it worked for George, and it can work for you too! 

Brock: “In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a tall, stocky, slow-witted, muscle-bound man.”

NO SHIT YOU SAY?

Former  WWE “Diva”… and Randy Orton turd recipient (or so we thought) Rochelle Loewen was recently interviewed at The Voice of Wrestling to discuss her short stint in the company, and shed some light on the alleged fecal habits of the Legend Killer.  Here is the gist of that interview courtesy once again of PWInsider.com, with my (stupid) comments thrown in in-between…

Hmm, so, the other Divas are upset over Rochelle Loewan just moseying into the WWE, all without ever having to “pay her dues”?…You know, GRUELING dues, like sitting in pies, mashing ice cream into their tits, and tweaking Kamala’s nipples like the rest of the crew. And you know what? I AGREE. It IS insulting that Rochelle actually had the NERVE and AUDACITY to just walk off the street while VETERANS like Maria, Candice and Joy had to BUST their asses week in and week out.... by doing absolutely nothing of note. Is there no justice?!...

"This left very little reasoning for the incident between Loewen and Randy Orton. Although Rochelle does say Orton vandalized her belongings, the extreme version found on the 'net is not true. "It was just merely self-tanning lotion and baby oil," Rochelle revealed what she found in her bag, "but I wouldn't put it past him to s***t in my bag". The story behind what led to this and Loewen's comments about the "true" Randy Orton are what got very interesting. "

Meh. I liked the version where he shits in the bag a lot better. What is this fucking summer camp in the 1960’s? Did Orton short-sheet her bed and fly her underwear up a flag pole, too?

However, I’d wonder about that “tanning lotion” though…. Hey, just saying. And hey, if you mysteriously find yourself pregnant after putting on some of the panties in that bag, don’t say I didn’t warn you…..

"Loewen claims Orton had a vendetta against her the entire time she was with the company speculating it was due to the fact she didn't know his name. "Prior to being with the WWE," she said, "I didn't aim to go and work for the WWE. WWE came and asked me to work for them. In lieu of that, I wasn't a big fan and I didn't know a lot about wrestling". Despite being a fan now and loving the business, Rochelle wasn't familiar with everyone's name at first and when she met Orton, she told him he looked familiar. He agreed and asked her where he knew her from. "Are you from Canada," she responded. After looking her up and down, Orton (according to Loewen) said before storming off, "I hate Canada and I hate you!"

Dude...How could you hate Canada? We're the one's that pretty much forced your premature babyface turn at last year's Summer Slam, and caused about a half year's worth of really bad force-fed angles that never worked with you and Triple H, and ended up halting your Title run and pushing you back into the mid-card. On second thought, ya, hate Canada all you want....

"Wow...welcome to bazoogaville," Rochelle thought after the confrontation with Orton, "what kind of person behaves like that?" Later that day, Loewen claims Orton did more things that were "inappropriate and verbally abusive", but didn't explain what they were, just that she didn't really pay any attention to them. "Near the end of the day, I was doing a pre-tape with Mr. Bischoff," she continues, "and it took us about an hour or two. Then I went back to the changing room and all of my belongings...my very, very nice belongings...had been totally destroyed by Randy Orton who had snuck into the female changing room". The lotion and baby oil had been smeared all over her belongings.

OH NO~! Not NICE belongings! THAT'S THE WORST! Damn you, Randy! A prank immediately ceases to be funny when obscenely and ridiculously overpriced women's clothing is RUINED.

Oh, and by the way, maybe if it takes you TWO HOURS to film a 30 second backstage vignette with Eric Bischoff, you just might be in the wrong profession....

According to Rochelle, it wouldn't have mattered if it was "Wal-Mart crap" in the bag or stuff from Salvation Army, it would have still been horrible. A somewhat funny story as she was leaving...she ran into Johnny Ace who very excitedly asked how her first day was with the WWE. "I was like, 'you want the honest truth, or do you want me to lie' and he's like 'honestly'," she laughs, "I said 'well basically, it was horrible, I won't even be compensated enough from today's work to cover the damages rendered to my personal belongings'". Johnny even assumed it was Orton. "It was no secret that he had a hard-on for me".

HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF WALMART! Didn't you know that Wal-Mart stores are stocked with the latest products, and fun, info-packed events? AND WHERE I ASK YOU, IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO GET HUGE MASON JARS FILLED WITH PICKLES FOR UNDER 3 DOLLARS? Hmmmm? You should be ashamed of yourself, Ms. Loewan. Right now, somewhere, there's an 80 year old man out there who hands out carts and multi-colored Anti-theft stickers, and he's CRYING at your callous insensitivity, Rochelle. Good going.

And as for the John Laurenitis "hard-on" comment: Be gentle with him. You have to remember he had to go down on Mrs. Baba for YEARS, just to keep his position in All-Japan. Can you really blame the man, if he lusted after a woman for once, who wasn't likely ruined by the strange, disproportioned genitalia of one Shoei "Giant" Baba?

"The reason Randy Orton did what he did had nothing to do with the competition," she disclaimed, "his behavior had everything to do with how pathetic this person is, how psycho he is, and how his mentality is completely off-key with what normal mentalities should be. Maybe momma wasn't nice to him when he was a little boy or dropped him on his head too many times. He had some real issues with beautiful women," she said, "I don't know what they are, but he definitely does."

Yes, he does have a problem with "beautiful women"... he doesn't like it when they don't have sex with him. Open and shut case, me thinks. As for his mama dropping him on his head, I beg to differ. There's is NO WAY that Cowboy Bob, a consummate professional in the ring, would marry a woman who didn't possess the same uncanny timing and near perfect workrate as him.  Bob is a TECHNICIAN in the ring, and I'd expect that same pride and craftsmanship from Mrs. Orton on the change table. Even if changing was difficult because her broken arm never ever fucking heals.

According to Loewen, Orton's infatuation with her turned to jealousy when she moved to Smackdown! "I became very good friends with Mark Jindrak who is Randy Orton's best friend," she told the hosts, "and I would travel with Mark and Rey [Mysterio] and I'm sure that ate Randy alive. In fact, Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of perfection, for a while because of that". To squash any rumors this could potentially start, the hosts confirmed she wasn't interested in Jindrak. "I really got along with him," she responded, "I thought he was a great guy, same with Mysterio".

"In fact, Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of perfection, for a while because of that". Huh. Maybe it's because you refer to him as "the reflection of perfection." Just saying. But at least, she quashed the rumors immediately about being interested in Jindrak. Although, I don't see why. Did you know he has an AMAZING vertical leap? The man can actually leap in the air...a good 5 feet, and KICK ANOTHER MAN RIGHT IN HIS FACE! What more could you want in a potential mate?! Charisma? Any sort of appeal whatsoever? What's wrong with you.

"Ending the discussion on Randy Orton, Loewen ended with some fairly strong words:

He's an animal...he's an absolute animal. What kind of man acts like that when he likes a beautiful woman? This guy is just absolutely out to lunch..he's just retarded!"

No, he's not retarded. He just uses too many chinlocks when he wrestles. But ya, what kind of man acts like that when he likes a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? I agree, absolutely!  How about an UGLY woman, though? Surely you can harass them, right?!

In any event, I'm starting to think these two have A LOT more in common then they think, and I for one am SICKENED. (So much so, that I could  barely bring myself to masturbate repeatedly to this nude photo of her..... ).

Anyway, there is a moral to this story, folks. Rochelle, if you EVER want to be gainfully employed in the world of professional wrestling, either start wearing your gear to the arena, or learn to buy your carryall or gym bag from the same dude who makes Scott Steiner’s hats. And Randy, learn to jump a little bit higher with your dropkick. If you could add a good 4-6 inches to your leap, I’m convinced she’d have put out.

THE MATT HARDY SHOW!

Finally, the day all overweight Emos and other social misfits have been waiting for has arrived! So, stop making your shitty message board sigs made with pictures of Matt photoshopped holding your pudgy hand, and rejoice! For The Matt Hardy Show is FINALLY here… and ready to lift you (well, actually, that’d be physically impossible) from your rut, as Matt Hardy apparently takes you inside his world of Mattitude …and quasi-psychotic vigilantism!

Anyway, Matt has apparently put up a preview of the “reality” show that chronicles the day to day life of Matt Hardy, his family and friends. Here’s what awaits us:

Well, first, he uses Lita’s Divas poster for target practice as he unloads clip after clip into the extreme diva’s glossy forehead. And surprisingly, Lita poster somewhat holds the same level of promo ability and charisma as the real thing, and blows not nearly as many spots. (spots, that is, and not Canadians). And from there (as if committing poster homicide wasn’t enough), he proceeds to finish off Lita poster by crushing it beneath the wheels of his car. But still, there’s MORE. Cameos include Brother Jeff, who we see get pelted with eggs! And he no sells said projectiles! Of course, one could argue that having a viscous liquid roll down his back is a regular matter of course for Jeff, but I won’t because that would be WRONG. And finally, we see several images of “Lori”, apparently a female friend of Matt’s, who more than fills Lita’s (extremely HUGE) void if you ask me. But answer me this! Can she moonsault? And if so, can she land with pinpoint accuracy onto an erect penis? I may have my own selfish reasons for asking this.

Anyway, I think I may have to watch and LOVE this reality show, and you should, too. And sure, nobody gets voted off an Island, or even gets a job mopping up after The Donald, …but Jeff Hardy GETS PELTED WITH EGGS. What more could you want? Rocks? Maybe.

Click here for the preview: www.thematthardyshow.com/intro/.

BAD NEWS FOR SHOPLIFTERS.

From the "where are they now" file, this just struck me funny:  

Remember Bad News Brown? The man who once gave Randy Savage A LOT of headaches over the WWF title in late 1988, after accusing Elizabeth of protecting Savage’s title reign by sleeping with Jack Tunney? As if that'd ever work. There's never been one documented account of someone fucking someone in a position of authority that ever led to career opportunities in this company. Not ever.

Well, that all said, maybe it was Bad News himself who should have done “favors” for the late WWF President, because today he’s traded in his trademark black glove and black trunks for a walkie-talkie and a telescopic nightstick, as a Mall Security Guard! These days, unfortunately the only "ghetto blasters" he’s on the look out for, are the one’s scofflaws try to walk off with unpaid for from the Radio Shack. And God have mercy on those spineless cockroaches and yellow belly sharecroppers who DARE loiter by the Laura Secord stand, or not responsibly dump the contents of their food-court tray into the designated trash receptacle. If they're not careful, they could get kicked in the back of the head when they least expect it. If those painfully tight & unflattering police pants allow that kind of flexibility.

If there's one thing I’ve learned in my travels, it’s that you just don’t trust Bad News Brown. Even if he does have a nifty faux police hat, and a series of keys to the handicap shitter. I think it's great though, that he's found a new career. I just wait on the day however when he retires and gets his gold watch, and an angry Bret Hart suddenly grabs it from him and throws it on the ground so it shatters. It'll be sad.