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Back-Leg Frontkick:
07/20/05: In This
Lazy Summer Edition, I Look At Matt
Hardy: The Excellence Of Edgucution, Between A Brock and
A Hard Place, Mr. Ass Is An Asshole, Vince McMahon In
The White House, And Getting To Know The Potential
Divas! All This, Plus Much More! Or Less! Whatever!
 Hey there, Cowboy. And
welcome to the Back-Leg Frontkick, the column that
accepts you completely, despite all your flaws
...then laughs at you behind your
back.
Anyway, first and foremost,
this month is a busy one for North Americans
(the one's that don't wear sombreros), as it
was first long Holiday weekend of the Summer for
both Canadians and their hostile neighbors to the south,
America, with both "Canada Day" and of course
Independence Day. Now, with that said, I completely
understand WHY Americans celebrate this day, as it was
the moment they cast off the British forever and adopted
their OWN identity. (And you know, the British MAY have
fared a little better had they not worn those stupid
fucking red coats...you know, that people could
probably see coming for miles. I mean, why not just have
them wear clown suits and do fucking backflips down
the battlefield? It would probably be more subtle.).
However, we Canadians do
not share this same luxury. In fact, I don't even
know what the protocol is for this Holiday, or even what
the fuck we're actually celebrating. And unlike
Americans, we still have to suck at the time ravaged
teat of the British Empire, call our lawyers
"barristers" and "solicitors", with some people in
our parliament actually still wearing powdered wigs, and
then do doubt slapping each other in the face with a
lone white glove so to declare their intentions for
pistols at dawn. It's all tremendously gay, and archaic.
Canada: Where it's 1760
Forever.
And if that’s
not bad enough, we still even have a representative
of the Queen sitting in on said Parliament; because us,
Gosh darn unruly Canadians can't be trusted to run our
own government!! Who knows, we might just revolt~! Maple
syrup will flow down the streets! We'll FORCE people to
be polite and pick up their garbage... EVEN IF THEY
DON'T WANT TO. Beavers will be everywhere! Trees
will fall...then 2 will be replanted in their
place seconds later! The word "about" will become
obsolete! IT WILL BE
ANARCHY.
In any event, this is
why, unless it's Stanley Cup season, we Canadians don't
have much to celebrate. We have no real discernable
identity of our own. We're basically just the British,
only with no accents, lumber-jackets, a decent
pigment to our skin, and a full mouth of teeth.
There's not much to be proud
of....
 OR IS
THERE?
You see, there is one
Canadian export that we can all truly rally behind
(hopefully literally) and revere. That Canadian
is....
TRISH STRATUS. And the best
part is, all her best parts were probably purchased
right there in the United States, so it's like we share
a bond! Your implants....our body! It
truly is one hand washing the other! (for obvious
reasons). So, fear not my fellow down-trodden Canadian
friends; and rejoice in the true glory of Canada: Trish
Stratus! Now there's a Beaver I could really get
into!
Now that I've
alienated a lot of people, let us move
on....
HEADLINES!
COMPLETELY RANDOM
NEWS!
If you follow this
site (and how dare you not), you're more than
likely familiar with this concept. I take random news
headlines from reputable places like Wrestling Observer
and PWInsider and destroy that journalistic integrity at
the expense of some tasteless jokes and bad opinions.
I'm silly like
that.
MATT HARDY: WRESTLING (WITH HUGE)
SHADOWS.
 Are
you sick of every single wrestling post you read online
being about Matt Hardy? And tired because
every single nuance and angle has already
been covered ad-nauseum, to the point where you now feel
like making the V.1 hand sign...just so you can plunge
it into your brain... if only to finally stop the
pain of having to EVER read anything more about it?
Well, if the answer to this is "yes", I'm gonna go ahead
and pretend you said "no", because here's the
latest....
As
we noted several days ago, Matt hardy was contacted by
WWE several days before the RAW wedding angle. They
asked him if he would wait it out several weeks before
signing with TNA as they were interested in trying to
work out an angle for a return. Sources indicate that
fan reactions over the past several months have
indicated to Vince McMahon that Hardy has the [potential
to be something else and sell merchandise. The issue is
that there are obviously emotional problems between the
two.]
This
places Hardy in a really good position as he's become a
very talked about hot commodity who has his pick of the
litter in the near future, even if WWE doesn't make him
an offer to return. Hardy is at the point he can pretty
much write his own ticket on the independents (where
some promoters have claimed he is asking for
$2,500-$3000 a shot), TNA, or even possibly
Japan . If
course, as it stands, there is also a distinct
possibility he can head back into World Wrestling
Entertainment (if they make him an offer) with an angle
that fans are literally asking for weekly. In many ways,
Hardy's current situation could be compared somewhat to
Bret Hart's red hot momentum after the Montreal
incident in November 1997, although WCW
completely dropped the ball on that once Hart debuted
for them. (PWinsider.com)
Haha. Right now,
there's no doubt a lot of dudes out there sitting,
much like I am, wiping the mustard from their
fat faces onto their aged, shredded 1998 Austin
T-shirts, yelling out "I knew it!", then taking
full credit for "calling" that WWE airing Matt's
entrance theme was proof of WWE's grandiose scheme
to bring Matt back. We're such
losers.
Anyway, I like the analogy that
the Matt situation is akin to Bret Hart in 1997. Only
with all the fucking guns Matt Hardy carries these days
(he's making Punisher look like Ghandi in comparison),
I'd be terrified to see how literally he'd take
the Hitman character. Or am I? Maybe, just maybe, a
stray bullet will hit a throng of Diva hopefuls,
and save us A LOT of grief. I 'm willing to take
that chance. Matt, how are you at handling a
bazooka?
The downside though, would be WWE
stating ad-nauseam that Matt Screwed Matt. If only that
were true, though. He would have saved himself a lot
of trouble! And unlike every time he pulled out of
Lita, he wouldn't somehow find a strange
crumpled lucha mask hanging from the end of his
member. Chances are I just wanted to say
that.
Anyway, the only
difference between Bret & Matt, at this stage,
is that Bret was an established long time
main-eventer, and he had legs (well had legs...damn
Canadian bicycles!), even long after the heat of
that incident died down. Matt at this point doesn't have
the same legs. Of course, no one's seen his legs because
they've been housed in pajama pants for 6 years.
But whatever. I don't even know what I'm
talking about anymore.....
In any event, before I continue to
ramble, here's a recent post Matt made about possibly
returning to the WWE on his website, while likely
shoeing a fat girl off the side of his house.
The whole thing should be in her Sig by
morning...
 Greetings
Amigos!
I hope this message finds everyone healthy
and happy. Recently, it seems that alot of people are
discussing several different possible scenarios in my
future. There's a ton of speculation about everything
concerning Matt Hardy these days--but I want all of my
fans and supporters to know that I have always been
honest with them. With that said, I have a hypothetical
question for everyone. In a perfect world, where do you
wish Matt Hardy would end up wrestling in the future and
why? If you respond, put some time and thought into your
answer--I look forward to seeing what everyone says.
Until then...
And herein lies the conundrum. We
all know that WWE fans have been clamoring for his
return with the same intensity Lita does strange dick
south of the border, but where does he
go from there? I mean, there's always Kane, I suppose,
but in my experience, feuding with Kane is where your
career goes to die. It's true. It's probably how he
continues to be immortal and impervious to pain. He
sucks the very life essence out of anything he touches.
I wonder if we could get him involved with the Diva
hopefuls? Please?
The funny thing is, WWE's roster,
like Lita's glorious huge titties, is really
stacked on RAW now, and even if they got a program, it
would likely play second fiddle to a myriad of boring
manufactured programs that no one really gives two shits
about (except WWE's imbecilic creative
team.). The fact is, things will probably be
huge for about a month or so, then we'll just see A LOT
of mixed tags with Edge/Lita Vs. Matt & Trish. And
then Edge will then move onto the WWE Title, and
Matt will end up in a midcard program no one cares
about, or dry humped in the ring by Viscera. PAJAMAS VS.
PAJAMAS. The World's Largest Love Machine vs. a man
who's seen the World's Largest Lovehole. It's like
the Sarlaac pit in Jedi! Only with more masked men
inside! Ahem.
But hey,
that's just the way of things. But
still, at the end of that day, I still think
the WWE is the best idea. Even a small window of mega
fame and heat is better than none at all. The
alternative is having a douchebag in a Green Lantern
shirt grade your matches, or laying underneath the heaving body
of Jeff Jarrett, with pieces of confetti guitar
everywhere. WWE is definitely the right choice. And
after that, he can hopefully maintain a spot on the
uppercard, and live out his contract comfortably.
Hey, maybe a Canadian fucking your Girlfriend was the
best thing to ever happen to you? (Ladies, did I mention
I was Canadian?). After all, if Edge had not made a
Money-in-sperm-bank deposit into Lita, you might
have just been relegated to Sunday nights forever,
ducking Tyson Tomko's big boot of DEATH. (Not that it
would connect anyway). And that's a fate no man
deserves! Especially a Avenger of wrongdoings (How about
getting me money back on the Monday Night Wars
DVD?).
So, there you have it. Clearly WWE
is the best option for Matt, long term. Now,
just pray that WWE creative doesn't ever take a look at
your forum... and repackage you ala Mike Awesome, as
Matt Hardy, The Fat Chick Thriller. I can just picture
the sigs now.
SHOOTING FROM THE
ASS.
Recently, WWE's former
Mr. Ass and current TNA Outlaw
(Where's a "Wanted: dead or alive" poster when
you really need it?), Billy Gunn, appeared on the "Voice
of wrestling" show and buried everyone from Triple H to
Trish Stratus, the latter of whom he described as
"a piece of shit"
(BLASPHEMY!).
So, much like the way
we dismantled Rochelle Loewan here, let us look at a few
Billy Gunn quotes, and tear Monty Sopp a new "Mr.
Asshole."
He's (Triple H) an evil person. When
you're up there...everybody knows that he runs the show
and if he doesn't like it, or he doesn't like you, he'll
say one thing in front of you, but he'll turn right
around and stab you right in the back".
 Normally,
I'd have jumped on this, saying "See, here's our
proof!" Triple H is EVIL and he's holding people back!
BLARRRGHHH!". But when it comes from Billy
Gunn...a man who was more forced down your throat
than a date with Kobe, it's kind of hard to take it too
seriously. I mean, how many big pushes did Mr Ass
get? And how can that possibly sound any less gay?
Only Custom Chucky P truly knows for
sure.
Besides, for all I goad Trips
for being overexposed, he is still a GREAT wrestler, a
decent promo man with great comedic timing, and a
credible talent. Even if his natural inclination is to
lay on top of more men than Paris
Hilton. Long before he was dropping the
bald-headed champ into Steph's gorge, he'd
have still deserved to be in the top of the card in
WWE. Billy-boy can't say the same thing. Even after only
"getting over" after being ALIGNED with that
same HHH. If it wasn't for DX (in which he was
easily the least entertaining member), he'd still be
wearing a cowboy hat, sporting a 80's porn
stache, shooting off cap guns in the ring, and
having JR put him over by telling us that he went
to college on a Rodeo scholarship. Seriously. That was
the hard-sell.
Dean of Rodeo Students: "I'm
sorry, we'd accept you into this College, but your
grades in "roping" are too low. Maybe if you up your GPA
in cleaning up horse-shit behind the barn, and
getting speared in the asshole by a bull while wearing a
clown suit, we'll
talk.. ".
But still, it
gets
better....
He continued by saying
that he's not jealous of Triple H or the spot he's got,
although he's heard that from people. "Nobody's got the
spot he's got, because he's an ass-kisser and I was
never
that".
Billy's right. He's
not as Ass kisser. Who has time for kissing ass when
you're doing god knows what to one? Hey, your theme song
CAN'T lie! See for
yourself!
I
love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to
shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt
'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
(me too, But I'd never admit
it)
And I'm gonna kick
'em
'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass
man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass
Man
So many asses, so little time
Only a tight
one, can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of every
kind (every
kind?)
The best surprises
always sneak up from behind (I think Patterson has this on a
shirt somewhere)
Hey! Billy is RIGHT.
It doesn't say ANYWHERE in this list of ass-related
activity that he kisses them. Score one for
Credibilly!
Anyway from there:
"wrestling is fake.
It's not real. Whether you win or lose, it's all how you
present that in the end. I promise you, I've lost a lot
of matches, but that's not what they remember. They just
remember that they saw a hell of a match and they were
entertained to no end, but they couldn't tell you who
won.
Can you tell me when
this entertaining match you had took place? Because I'd
really like to watch it
sometime....
And finally, after the
aforementioned comment about Trish, he had this to
say:
"What they have between them is what they
have everywhere that you have chicks. You know,
jockeying for position, one takes something wrong and
the shit hits the fan and then it's on. You have a bunch
of girls up in New York and I can't tell you [about] the
bitching, bickering, everything..it's just a bunch of
crap. It's just women in general. That's what they do
when they have a bunch of other women around them that's
kind of impeding on their territory, they start getting
a little crazy".
TESTIFY! Man, women
ARE crazy! I mean who could put up with that?! It almost
makes a guy want to go out and saddle up with someone
like Chuck Palumbo and get married, eh? Oh
wait.
Ok, ok, so I didn't
really offer A LOT of insight here, and just basically
made a lot of jokes at Monty's expense. Sue me (but
please don't, I have so very little.) .
GET YOUR ASPIRIN READY, BECAUSE
HERE COMES THE PAIN!
 Last
time we left our friend Brock, he was pleading his case
in court, trying to get out of the no-compete clause he
hastily signed last year, just so he could accomplish
his dream of never making the NFL. However, new events
have surfaced, and it looks like the only pleading Brock
is doing is on his hands and knees, as you'll see by the
following....
The
Bismarck Tribune has an interview up with Brock Lesnar
where he says he hopes to get a second chance in WWE
from Vince McMahon.Lesnar says he was not ready for WWE
during his first run.
"I wasn't ready
for what (McMahon) had put on my plate," Lesnar said. "I
couldn't eat it all. I tried to, you know. That's just
me being me. He asked me, 'Are you ready for this?' And
I just said, 'Bring it on. Let's go.' I wasn't ready to
be traveling 300 days a year," he said. "I wasn't ready
for the money. I wasn't ready for the responsibilities.
I wasn't ready to be a father. I wasn't ready to be a
husband. I wasn't ready for a lot of things. I had a lot
of growing up to do. I was forced to grow up."
Hey, he forgot the part where he
regrets dating a woman (Sable, seen here) old enough to have babysat Noah.
Not to mention as a result of dating Rena
Mero, he's unable to urinate without painfully
clutching his member and screaming out "Here comes the
pain!" (
Could I make any more bad "Here comes the pain", puns?
YOU BET I COULD!).
Anyway, there's really
not anything I can add to this situation that I haven't
said a million times before. Truthfully, I just wanted
an excuse to use the picture you see to the above
left.....
The Seventh Seal Has Been
Broken....
Say it ain't
so....
RAW scored a 4.4
rating last night, its highest number of the year. The
highest rated segments of the show was the Diva Search
II segment and the overrun featuring Hulk Hogan, both
doing 4.7s. The lowest quarter hour was a
3.7.
Quick, someone check
the guff and see if there are any souls left! Seriously
though, who'd have thunk it? Who'd have EVER known
that all we had to do to turn business around was
to build the show around a
manufactured, egotistical, bleached blond with
NO BUSINESS being in a wrestling ring.....and the
Diva search contestants. And speaking of which; how
about that "Bikini Boot Camp", eh?... which
I'm assuming is not standard military practice.
Because if so, holy shit, no wonder this war is taking
so long! Maybe teach those guys how to shoot,
and maybe drop a few bombs! We'll be there forever
if all those guys are doing is shimmying through a
ball-pit in a Speedo! Ahem.
But hey, whatever. I'm
just sad Sarge didn't break out some custom
moves for the Divas in their honor. The Camel-toe
clutch, maybe? The Slaughter umm, Canyon? I
don't know. But what I do know is, whether we like it or
not, apparently the Hogan/ Divas connection is
RATINGS, dude. Dropping legs and spreading legs. It's a
winning combination!
Bruther.
VINCE MCMAHON: THE PRESIDENTIAL
REFORM~!:
A few months ago, I
looked at the potential Presidential campaign of the
Ultimate
Warrior and what a
Warrior-led America would possibly be
like (borders divided by ROPES, baby. Who'd dare
mess with Warrior there?) under his ULTIMATE
leadership. Well,
now, it's time
to look at *another* possible candidate to throw his
name into this very ring: VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON.
Who just might want to think about possibly
changing that middle name if indeed he does get involved
in politics. Or at least start wearing a bullet-proof
vest under that hound's-tooth jacket. Trust me on
that.
But seriously (only
not really), whom better than Vince succeed George W.
Bush as President? I mean, it's not like he can't also
relate to being handed the reins by his father, and then
subsequently running that vision into the ground through
mismanagement and paranoia. Oh
ya.
But what would be in
store for the country itself, if McMahon was to
be elected? Well, you know, besides obviously
gobbling up Canada and the Mexico as new
"states" then blaming it on them and their
predatory practices. I actually
have these answers. Below, is the listed
Reforms one Vince McMahon would make to the country
and its laws if in fact he was elected. Or
maybe he'll just purchase the entire country for around
4 million dollars. It'll be all worth it, if only to see
him publicly fire Dick Cheney by bizarrely spelling
"Goonnee". I can't wait.
Here are the
Reforms!:
-Cut off all relations
to places like Japan, because the majority of the
population is under six feet
tall.
-Raises taxes 300% to
pay for the 350 billion dollar Diva
search.
-Changes the country's
name to United States
Entertainment.
-Hires the Bashams to
head up the secret service. He's subsequently
assassinated inside 10
minutes.
-Has Stephanie rewrite
the constitution and Bill of rights and remove all
continuity and add more jokes with “poop” and
“asses”.
-Retools the military,
replacing hand to hand combat and weapons with moves
like the scissors-kick, while desperately hoping the
enemy has the decency to stay bent over upward of 30
seconds so they can pull it
off.
-Every female in his
cabinet will go on a brief leave of absence then return
with larger breasts then they previously
had.
-Charges 40 dollars
plus tax to hear the State of the Union Address.
Subsequently schedules 15 addresses for
2006-2007.
-Attorney General
Jerry Lawler has the national age of consent lowered to
twelve or "whenever it is when they get
boobs".
-“Inexplicably” plans
nuclear missile testing for Nashville &
Orlando.
-Has the United
Nations officially disbanded when several of the other
countries don’t say “Hello” to The Undertaker and shake
his hand.
-Agrees to Canada’s
terms over softwood, only to double cross them with the
help of Earl Hebner and Shawn
Michaels.
-Creates a
controversial new economic system: “Thuganomics” where
the money of small children and overweight teenaged
girls “trickle down”…into his pockets.
-Declares war on both
France and Quebec. Just
because.
-Misunderstands the
2nd amendment, and changes it to the “Right to Bare
Arms”, encouraging people to wear tear-away muscle
shirts.
-Hires Jake Roberts to
head up the new and approved D.E.A. Drugs subsequently
disappear completely from the streets, only to later end
up in Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to destroy
them …eventually.
-At the behest of Jim
Ross, Vince reinstates the Government Mule
program.
-Finally has the
Twin Towers rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and
Akeem.
Sounds like a solid
plan to me.
GETTING TO
KNOW THE
POTENTIAL DIVAS!!!!!!
Normally, this is where
our friend Richard Waters would chime in with his weekly
take on the vaunted WWE Divas Search. However, Richard
is currently dealing with that hurricane causing
all kinds of destruction down south (seen here
in a TWF *exclusive*) and thus, I have decided in his
stead to give my own personal synopsis of the contest as
it stands. That way, at least you'll know more
about the women you're so haphazardly masturbating to,
all while hoping your significant other doesn't
catch you in the act. Call it a public service! (Or
brutally bad time filler. Either/or.).
 First
and foremost, we had our first elimination last
week, when Alexis was voted off. She blamed her bad
showing in the Bikini Boot Camp, while the rest of the
world likely blamed it on the fact that she kind
of looked like a transvestite. And hey, it could
have happened! After all, this *is* a company that
once had Mark Henry fellated by a man in drag, had
an old woman impregnated (by the very same Mark Henry.
Poor motherfucker), pushed Chyna as a sex symbol...
despite her being more hung than half the locker room,
and alluded to Kane fucking a corpse. So, ya,
it's possible. ENTERTAINMENT~!
Turns out though, that Alexis didn't secretly
have a penis, and is in fact very much a woman. So,
feel free to now toast your loads with a clear
conscience! All kidding aside though, to Alexis' credit,
she at least *tried* to portray a "character", even
if it made no sense. (Pristine bitch to beer guzzling
hillbilly in .25 seconds flat.).
Anyway, Alexis took her voting-off in stride,
and has since moved on from the down and dirty world of
pro-wrestling, to a much more dignified and
high-brow world of.... stripping buck-assed naked
in televised strip poker. Clearly she made the right
choice.
Today, you'll find Alexis putting over her
new gig at the National Lampoon site, and showing
entirely more passion for the wrestling industry and
raw charisma than she ever did on WWE camera.
Strange. And oh ya, she even shows off her
titties there, too! (see HERE).
And I don't know about you, but in my ever-so-humble
opinion, big bare cans > lingerie
pillow fights. Call me crazy.
 This
past Monday was supposed to be a "trash talking"
segment where the Diva hopefuls each tear into each
other with the same ferocity in which Tammy Sytch
currently obliterates a lumberjack breakfast, but
sadly, thanks in part to SpikeTV censors, it didn't
quite work out that way, thanks to last year's
edition that will live in infamy for burning
the lexicon "Cum-guzzling gutter slut" into our
collective memories forever. However, this week, we were
"treated" to this year's batch of hopefuls verbally
accosting one another with cries of "You should be a
Victoria's secret model!" and "You should be walking a
run-way in Milan!". Oh, the Humanity! Way to
deliver the death blow, girls.
In any event, the segment ran short (Thank
the maker), and the only one to squeeze even an oodle of
charisma out of their plastic body was Elisabeth, who
came across very dry, without being campy in her
insults towards Kristal and her "body painting".
Of course not that this really mattered. At the end of
the day, WWE is going to market the person they *really*
want to anyway, but still, hats off (and pants, too) to
Elisabeth for now. I'd give you a courtesy clap, if I
had both hands free.
 Next
up we have Kristal, the one African-American in the
contest, and if you go by WWE's track record,
she'll be going the way of the dodo bird by
month's end (unless she secretly marries Booker T.....
which apparently is the only way a Sista gets to keep
her job in this fucking place.).
Anyway, last week we learned that Kristal's
"talent" was diving tits first into blue paint and
rolling around on a giant piece of paper like the
world's most retarded Kindergarten student; you
know, before emerging from her "masterpiece"
looking like Papa Smurf blew his load on her
chest. And to quote the Joker, "I don't know if it's
art, but I like it." But still, what is it that compels
these Divas to plunge themselves cunt first into
pies, paint, ice cream and God knows what else? I try to
get my girlfriend to drive her ass into various baked
goods on a daily basis, but still, no dice. What's your
secret, WWE? Am I using the wrong pie? I don't get
it.
Anyhoo, I did a little digging (I can't
believe I'm admitting this) and Kristal was actually one
of the prize models on the Price is Right, uncovering
European vacations and mopeds for heroes who just
conquered the relentless beast that is PLINKO....
while simultaneously fending off the time-ravaged hands
of Bob Barker who cups your ass while dispensing advice
about having your dogs and cats nuts snipped off. It was
a crazy, crazy scene, man. But with that in mind, if
Kristal gets the Ol' Heave-Ho, I INSIST that it's done
while this music
plays in the foreground.
 Leyla
of course made waves for her "nip-slip"
on RAW while running the course in Bikini Boot Camp.
Upon closer inspection, we learned that this COMPLETELY
SPONTANEOUS AND NOT PRE-PLANNED EXPOSURE was not
exposure at all, as Leyla was wearing red stickers over
her nipples the entire time. Huh. Can't really
blame her there. I know whenever I run an
obstacle course, I always make sure to paste red
stickers to my genitals just in case my pants come
flying off in the throws of a grueling potato sack race.
Sometimes you just can't be too careful.
Anyway, faux nipple-slipples aside, Leyla has
as much charisma as a sack of potatoes. But still, once
she shook her ass, I forgot that I usually go for women
with a modicum of intelligence and class. That is why
guys are the most shallow, brainless fucks on the
planet. But don't blame us. You don't think badly of a
mongoloid when he eats a glue-stick or sticks his finger
in the light socket, right? Because he can't help it.
That's just the way he is, right? And it's the same with
us! You shouldn't get mad when we get mesmerized by
a sweet, sweet ass. It's biology, baby! And you can't
fight Science. :)
 Ashley
is our token skater chick, and if that holds any water,
the same demographic that buys ridiculously
inflatable John Cena knuckles, and wears pants baggy
enough to smuggle over an entire Vietnamese Boat family,
will FINALLY have THEIR VOICES HEARD.... all
while secretly dreaming of a day where Skater
Ashley does Oley's off their cocks. Good luck there,
chief.
Anyway, apparently Ashley comes from a
"wrestling family", but which family it is has yet to be
revealed. I just hope for her sake it isn't the Von
Erich's.....
Oh, and before I forget, she's also posed
nude.
She's clearly the frontrunner in this thing. And not
just because Johnny Ace has *finally* found a woman whom
will be impressed by his like totally
rad Skate-boarding prowess.
 Cameron,
a tall drink of water from Florida (and I got the
stirring stick to go with it), is apparently fluent in
French! (I'd like to show her my umm "Eau
face"). And if you ask me, that alone is
reason enough to vote her off. (Just
kidding).
Anyway, what Cameron really has going
for her, is the fact that she alone is the ONLY Diva
search contestant to have real tits. And the best part
is, she doesn't seem to have a problem showing them
off, as three separate appearances in Playboy
will
attest to. Did I mention that Cameron's profile
also says she's a proponent of "wine tasting"? She
better be careful, there's a few guys backstage that
might just take advantage of that hobby! That ain't
Alka-Seltzer!
 It's
Time! It's Time!... It's...SUMMER TIME!....... And
hey, it's just a matter of time, just like
Vader, before she'll end up with a jock stop over
her face, too. Albeit for a disturbingly different
reason. I can get behind that. Umm, a few times. At
varying speeds.
Until that day, though, I'll always
have the memory of her tanking it on her ass after
a high kick. (Unless that wasn't her...in that case....
never mind? I don't know.).
Anyway, in an attempt to familiarize you with
Summer, I looked up her profile:
Summer was Miss July Hawaiian
Tropic International 2005 who has been on the cover of
DialD magazine. She has a psychology degree from
LSU and was a competitive gymnast and cheerleader
in college. Summer loves adventure and has been
sky-diving, rock climbing and bungee jumping.
Heh. Sky-diving, rock climbing,
bungee jumping, and now demeaning yourself on National
TV by jumping rope in a bikini? Maybe she needs use
that fucking degree to check herself into
a mental institution? "Hi, I'm Summer! I have a PHD
in Molecular science, but my real passion is to do
jumping jacks topless!".
 And
finally, we have Simona; voted off this past Monday,
despite the fact that she has CONNECTIONS WITH SCOTT FUCKING
BAIO. And
if Chachi can't get your ass in the door and on the
road to superstardom, than clearly it's
hopeless.
Anyway, when not associating
with "A-Listers" like Scott Baio and a clinically
insane Gary
Busey,
she's making movies alongside Paris Hilton, where
she no doubt beat off (not to be confused with her
next career) stars like Angelina Jolie and Julia
Roberts to nab the plum role of "Flashing Girl" in the
yet to be released Jason Mewes vehicle "Bottoms up". So,
don't cry for Simona. She'll be just fine. Snoochie
boochie, Simona Noochie.
Ok, that's it. I can't take this
anymore. I'm done. Clearly, we're not any
smarter now that we've gotten through this whole ordeal;
in fact, I'll even wager that we're stupider as a
result. But don't shoot the messenger, smart guy, I
don't write this shit, I just report it.
Ok,
folks, that's it for this month. I'll be back soon;
although, I'm making no promises. This Diva Search has
made me lose the will to live. If WWE was smart
they'd somehow get the U.S. government to drop videos of
it over Iraq. We'd have unconditional surrender by
morning. So, unless I throw myself on a grenade like
those insurgents would be after watching "Bikini Boot
Camp", I'll see you soon. Maybe. Probably
not.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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