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Back-Leg Frontkick: 07.31.04 JULY 2004: Featuring 1/1000 of Bret
Hart Seeks Revenge on Vince McMahon, Paul Bearer Is
Trapped In a Glass Case Of Emotion, Mordecai Raptured To
The Unemployment Line, O'Haire's Telling The Police
Something They Don't Already Know, Ric Flair Pisses Off
Foley AND Bret Hart, Then Travels The Known Universe!
Wrestling's Most Celebrated Mustaches And Mullets!
And Joanie Laurer Debunks Myths of Her Gender By Hosting
a Transsexual Pageant! You Go, Umm, Questionable Girl!
All This, Plus So Much More!
You know, I was
getting out of the shower today when it suddenly dawned
on me, Damn, I forgot to masturbate! It was probably for
the best though... the other guys at the Gym seem to
hate it when I do that.
With that said, welcome to
another edition of The Back-Leg Front! And yes, it's
going to be that kind of
column.
Random
Thoughts:
Once again, I'm left without one
topic to sink my teeth into, so instead, I'll once again
plunder the headlines floating around this weird and
wacky world we call the
IWC!
 Hart
Defect
The following was reported
somewhere I was too lazy to officially look
up:
Vince McMahon was not at the Great
American Bash PAP last night due to a bad internal
infection that he is suffering from. McMahon is on some
strong medication and opted to not attend the show. In
his place, Stephanie McMahon, Shane McMahon, Jim Ross,
Triple HE, and Kevin Dunn ran the
show.
It's funny, because after The Great
American Bash, I too am on some strong medication.
Anti-psychotics. But nothing can make me forget the
sheer horrors I witnessed.
Nothing.
That said, if GAB was indicative of
what a Vince world would be like, I doubt I'm alone when
I
say:
Please, Vince, don't die. Not ever.
We need you. Losing Vince, at this stage, would be akin
to the cavemen losing that first asshole that discovered
fire. We're in for some cold, heatless, dark
nights.
Anyway, I won't lie, when I first
heard the news that Vince was ill, I immediately got the
visual of Triple HE pouring anti-freeze into his Evian
bottle and passing it to Vince saying "Dad, take a slug
of this, you look thirsty" while given's Staph the
high-sign to gas up the company jet, but eventually, I
ultimately believed that there could be one reason and
one reason only for Vince's sudden brush with
illness:
Bret
Hart.
Yes,
that's right. You see, now that we Canadians are putting
little to no money into our favorite past time (Hockey),
it has freed up A LOT of resources to spend on the truly
important things. Things like Beer. Things like how to
efficiently and effectively get the cornmeal onto our
famous bacon, and lastly, but obviously least
importantly: Advanced Molecular
Science....
See, my
theory is, after years of unending research and
unbending will, tireless Canadian scientists were
somehow able to shrink Bret Hart down one-millionth his
size, (not to be confused with Billy Kidman) who was
then in turn was somehow eventually INJECTED
directly into Vince's body! The biggest irony is that
Vince likely injected the tiny Hetman himself! (no one's
that big at almost 60 without being umm, "Spotted" by
the workout "partner" that is "John A. Anabolisms').
Could happen! Maybe!
Anyway,
anyone who's seen the movie Inner Space will tell you
exactly how this procedure is done. And they'll tell
you, as I tell you now, IT IS ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE. Mostly
if you discount all reason and
logic.
That
said, once given free reign through Vinnie Mac's
untapped blood-stream, I wouldn't be surprised if from
there, the miniature "Hetman" began "excellently
executing" Vince's vital organs! But in a completely
safe manner that causes no permanent injuries. He has a
reputation to uphold after all.
So,
there you have it. Cut and dry. I mean, what else could
it be? Basic human ailments? Fatigue? Age? Bah. I think
I know when a molecularly shrunken member of the Hart
family has been discretely injected into a Billionaire,
so to gain a measure of revenge for a predetermined
fight going awry. And it wouldn't even cost that much
when you take into consideration the literally DOZENS of
dollars we save on not investing in our Military. And if
not that, clearly Bret could just dip into that big-time
Hetman money he made while flying into Nitro once a
month so he could wrestle fucking Van Hammer for five
minutes. I promise you this is LEGIT. And I know all
this because I have a PHD in BEING
AWESOME.
Some
might be questioning Bret's motives, though, and doubt
he'd be even capable of such a thing. But I assure you
he can. I mean what better way to exact your
revenge over a 7 year old issue everyone is sick of? A
Gun? Probably. But that's just not as cool. I
mean, just the image of Bret handing a really tiny
pair of sunglasses to Vince's white blood cells makes
the whole thing worthwhile. The awkward part will be
though when Hetman gets close to the Colon and finds
Gerald Briscoe's head, or the eventual arguing with the
attacking antibodies that he cannot be purged from the
bloodstream until Vince leaves Canada. It would after
all cause too much damage to his character. I mean, come
on, couldn't Vince and his central nervous system wait
until they cross the border? Jesus. The cells would
however still force him out anyway and the whole sorted
mess would start again...
So,
yaw, that's my story. People like "doctors" and
"psychologists" and anyone who's not "Insane" or "Drunk"
or "stoned" might say it was but a simple infection, but
we know better. I'm telling you.
Don't Go Away Mad...Just Go
Away.
Word
backstage is that Billy Gunn and Bob Holly are the two
most disgruntled guys in the Smack locker room right
now. Both are apparently upset because they feel they
have "paid their dues" and deserve bigger pushes
(shoves?) than what they are getting. Management is also
upset with them because they feel that the two did not
do everything they could to make Keno Suzuki and
Mordecai look good at the Great American Bash
PAP.
And
while I don't blame them for Suzuki (even our Lord and
savior Jesus Christ couldn't pull off that miracle, and
Mordecai's on a first-name basis with him!), I just had
to laugh at Gunn and Holly's plight here. Just because
you've been around for a long time doesn't enable you to
any sort of promotion. If that was really true, the
retarded guy with the snot-stains on his coveralls that
sweeps my bank's lobby would be running the fucking
place by now, because I definitely remember this asshole
still working there ten years ago.
The sad fact is, there are only so
many guys who have it in them to be on "top", and if you
haven't made it in TEN YEARS, despite constant makeovers
that see you go from juvenile prankster who loved his
own ass to a guy who suddenly realizes that he actually
prefers Chuck Palumbo's; or went from mullet-headed Race
Car driver to the least over JOB SQUAD member in a field
that included fucking DWAYNE GILL, than chances are you
never will. Just be happy you're still drawing a
paycheck. Or that Vince didn't make you really
consummate your marriage to Custom Chucky
P.
This whole situation reminds of me
of when parents tell their kids "You can be whatever you
want when you grow up!" which is a BOLD FACED LIE. If
you're fat and stupid or use a move called the
Fame-Asser you'll never be President. And the same holds
true for Ass-Pluggs here. The sun's clearly set on you.
You cannot turn back the clock to the time where you and
your porn mustache shot blanks into the crowd, and
lovingly recalling the good ol' days of being the only
person other than umm, Mrs. Mantaur? to let the fat fuck
lay on top of you. You're job now is to enhance the new
guys coming up, all while hopefully telling them that
being announced as a "Two sport Superstar" won't get you
enough bus fare home after your fake stock car blows up
because in truth you're just a one-sport superstar, and
like barely. So ya, don't fret guys, not everyone can be
a "leading man". The world after all needs its share of
Clint Howard's to make everyone look
better.
I Guess She'll Be "Feeling The
Bang" Somewhere Else Now....
- Diamond Dallas Page has announced
that he has separated from his wife Kimberly. And if
that was me, it'd be literally, because it'd take the
entire fire brigade, the NYPD, volunteer Militia and cub
scouts to pull my cock out of that ass. Then whoever did
it would be declared King of
England.
Anyway, Page wrote the following on
his website:
"Yes, we have separated and it has
been on good terms. There is no bad blood at all. We
love each other very much and talk on a daily basis. We
both just need a little time to ourselves right now and
I hope that everyone will respect our privacy."
"I
hope that everyone will respect our privacy"? Then why
did you post it on the Internet? That's the equivalent
of spouting "I think eating meat is murder!" as you drip
Sloppy-Joe sauce down your face, wipe your fat fucking
hands on your mink coat and put the leftovers into the
pockets of your leather pants. You know, if you REALLY
wanted your privacy, you could, I don't know, not
fucking tell anyone?
Anyway. The best news
out of all this is The Diamond
Doll is single. Yay! And before you get
all "She'd never date you, asshole", I'll comeback with
"she married Dallas Fucking Page!". And if she was
attracted to a guy who basically looked like someone
injected Howdy Doody with HGH the aged him in an Indian
Smokehouse, than by god, there's a chance for me. So,
come to Papa, Kimberly. I have another kind of "Diamond
Cutter" with your name on it...
Ok, maybe not. Although
her name really is on it. Right now you can only read
"KE", but if you give me a few seconds...
Foley Is
Good Pissed
Mick Foley is
apparently furious over the negative comments that Ric
Flair has for him in Flair's new book. Foley is also
upset that WWE would allow such things to be written in
an official WWE publication. Obviously Mick never read
Chyna's "If They Only Knew". I guess he was like
the Earth's other 6.5 Billion people.
Anyway, Foley is said
to feel betrayed by Vince McMahon (imagine someone
feeling this way!) and is now apparently ignoring all
calls from WWE. Except if it's about money. Or maybe
just the first part.
But that said, in this
FLAIR VS. FOLEY WAR, I don't how to feel.
I feel like that part
in Highlander: End Game where the two heroes Connor and
Duncan Macleod do battle, because there can be only one.
Hey, why not? After all the shit Foley's done to his
body, being beheaded with a broad sword would probably
be a walk in the park, and maybe even welcomed. And the
best part? Foley's head would still be more over than Al
Snow and his. I thought I'd beat Mick to the punch
here).
That said, this is kind
of a unique situation in that neither man has really
ever been too keen on one another. Foley himself pretty
much lambasted Flair in "Have a Nice Day" and now that
Flair has returned the favor, Mick is fuming.
You can't really blame
WWE here though, after all, they're just in this to make
money, and I doubt any of Flair's slander really
registers true with them. Or they even know about it. I
bet Vince hasn't even read either guy's book. I mean,
outside of WWE TV, I'm personally convinced that Vince
just returns to a fucking hyperbaric chamber. It would
explain how in the shit he never heard of the Blair
Witch Project.
Vince: "Linda, wake me up
when tall muscular guys with no charisma are relevant!"
Linda: "You mean 1985?".
Oh well. What can you
do. Not everyone is ever going to always get along. I'm
just sad this means we'll never see a Foley/Flair match
anytime soon. Although, this does pave way for that
vaunted return match with a BROOMSTICK I've heard so
much about. And here the only inanimate wooden thing I
thought Flair had great chemistry with was Batista.
Shows what I know.
Moving on... (because
let's face it, I sure hijacked this story).
 Man Alive! There's A Man Alive Down
There...
After 1wrestling.com
pointed out yesterday that WWE violated their own policy
of not showing any murders by having Undertaker kill
Paul Bearer at the Great American Bash, Gary Davis (WWE
Vice President, Corporate Communications) sent out the
following:
"Last night's 'Concrete Crypt Match' was
similar in concept to the "Buried Alive" matches of the
past. No one was murdered. After the Great American Bash
Pay-Per-View went off the air, the crowd at The Scope in
Norfolk saw Paul Bearer come up for air and then placed
on a stretcher to receive "medical attention." There
will be an update on Paul Bearer on this Thursday's WWE
SmackDown! Stay tuned."
This situation has been
the talk of the industry all this week as certain people
blasted WWE for breaking their apparent "No murder" rule
in the list of things you were supposedly never going to
see on WWE TV.
Obviously, as The Great
American Bash went off the air, Paul Bearer's "death"
was implied. Only, a few days later, after being called
out, it is ultimately revealed that Bearer was not dead
from suffocating in cement, but instead only
"injured"? Despite the word umm, CRYPT, always
implying the complete opposite. After all, I just did
not pay 8 grand so Grandpa could just take a fucking nap
or something. Someone get me a shovel (Use HHH's)
there's still time to get my deposit back! Thanks WWE~!
Anyway, once Thursday
rolled around, Michael Cole made sure to let us know
that Paul had suffered "severe trauma" to his lungs and
trachea and we apparently "won't be seeing him on
SmackDown again".
But I ask, why the Hell
not? Wrestlers have been subjected to almost every type
of attempted vehicular homicide known to man, been set
on fire, crushed, and even hit in the head with a
sledgehammer, and ALL have returned none worse for wear.
But a little cement is going to put you out
indefinitely? I love Wrestling. It's the only place in
the world where HHH can be dropped 100 feet from a
forklift in a car and still work RAW the next night, but
sit out a year after taking a Lion-Tamer.Normally I'd
"buy" shit like this, but with all the ridiculous things
I mentioned, WWE has programmed me to not accept
anything less than a full recovery. And besides, what of
the urn? Shouldn't that shit just instantly rejuvenate
the guy? IT'S FILLED WITH DARKSIDE MAGIC. Am I wrong? Am
I sober? No.
So, ya, that's it for
Paul Bearer. You won't be seeing him again. Especially
not hung on Vince's wall ala Han Solo in Carbonite.
That's what I 'd have insisted on. Well, until Taker
sneaks in and liberates him...
Paul: "I
love you."
Taker:
"I know. Err, I mean, REST IN PEACE or
something."
It'd happen JUST like
that.
 Whatcha Gonna Do, Bruther?
Did you know Hulk Hogan
had a daughter who vows to be the next Britney Spears?
And all this in spite of her inherited male pattern
baldness.
Apparently, The
Hulkster has done all he could to open doors for his
eldest. And you know, once you mention "Suburban
Commando" and "Santa with Muscles" to these jaded
big-wigs, you just watch how fast those doors fly open!
The only problem is this on the way out...
Anyway, Brooke Hogan
and her dad were staples of the Tampa Bay Lightning
during the Stanley cup series with Calgary, as Brooke
would belt out the National Anthem, while Hulk tore his
shirt off as good luck for the team. Now, if only the
roles could be reversed, then and only then might I
actually start watching Hockey.
The Hogan's were a hit
apparently and Brooke seems to be on her way, preparing
to carry the heavy load of Pop Diva-dom on her
"barn-door back", bruther.
This has of course lead
the Brookster into the arms of a member of another
famous family, The Carters..yes, of the gay boy band
variety. You see, Brooke has recently been linked to
young Aaron Carter, who is best known for being the
first "crush" to many a pudgy shapeless teenage girl out
there. Or so Jerry Lawler tells me.
One can almost imagine
their first date, as an overzealous Aaron goes for a
handful...not once, but twice, before Brooke blocks the
advance on the third try and unloads three heavy
haymakers, before kicking him in the face and dropping
the leg. It is after all in-born instinct.
As the date concludes,
in the place of a "good night kiss", I imagine the two
awkwardly looking around before exchanging a very
exaggerated handshake as Vince McMahon bizarrely bursts
from the bushes yelling "The Madness meets The Mania!".
So, in closing, Brooke,
best of luck to you in your singing career, and in this
case, you might want to ignore Dad's advice to not ever
"sell" anything. Although, I'm guessing that may just
happen anyway, bruther.
 Gee, I Thought
Armageddon Would Last A Little Longer Than
That....
"Despite all the plans for a huge push,
Mordecai is already being sent back down to OVW for more
training. Management, especially Vince McMahon,
originally had big plans for him."
Sheesh. One would think
that Mordecai might have a little trouble finding
another line of work. I mean, you try getting a regular
9 to 5 job when you have “The Lord’s Avenging Angel” on
your resume…
All kidding aside, I
might be in the minority here, but I really liked the
“Mordecai” character. I just think they may have had the
wrong person playing the role. Kevin Fertig (who played
Mordy) just never really seemed too comfortable out
there, and often, rather than being intimidating, he
just looked more like a fat kid in a Halloween costume
than a wrestler.
The look did have some
minor flaws (Think Jeff Jarrett in 1993, only exchange
“a love of Grand Ole Opry Music” for umm, "punisher of
wayward souls"?) but Fertig, in my opinion, just
didn’t have that intangible that made him appear to be a
monster (like say Undertaker or Kane).
Mordecai, much like
many others before him, had some great vignettes, but
couldn’t live up to the hype once he hit the ring. I
don’t blame him for this, however. He did the best he
could, and despite some of his flaws, I still feel it
was far too soon to pull the plug on him altogether. If
indeed they are operating on electricity in Monasteries
these days.
The solution, may have
been right under their noses all along. See, Kane (much
like Mordecai) had spectacular hype for his debut in
1997, despite being still very green, err, red, err
whatever. But instead of instantly throwing him out
there and having him “sell” for mid-carders like Holly
and Scotty 2 Hotty, Kane just annihilated people at
random times, and got way over as a result of this
brutal unpredictability. The same shtick could have
worked with Fertig, and in turn, he could have honed his
craft on house shows, while not being “exposed” on
TV. And he as mentioned, he wouldn't have
had to sell for SCOTTY 2 HOTTY . I mean, what chances
does this guy have as God's right hand during Armageddon
(LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW) in the final battle, when he
sells a dancing karate chop to the fucking stomach. They
must have left that part out of Revelations. "And then a
Dragon rose from the ocean, it had a large head, and on
top its head it had a crown...wait, no; it's a visor,
with strange stiffened yellow hair sticking out from the
top..."
Still, though, the fact
that he is demoted, while Kenzo “are you going to pay
for those magazines!!” Suzuki has not only a job, but a
prominent angle with Cena brewing, just irks me to no
end. Bleh.
GOD SPEED, MORDECAI.
(LITERALLY!).
You Think Your Shit Don’t
Stink?
"John
Cena's "poop" promo against Kenzo Suzuki was written by
Brian Gerwirtz. Gerwirtz is one of McMahon's favorite
writers and McMahon is a big fan of "poop" jokes, so
that explains that."
So, that's why WWE is
so shitty right now. Gerwirtz is just tying in Vince's
love of excrement. It all makes sense now!
That said, as much as
the IWC has shit (POOPED~!) on Steve Austin at
times, at least Stone Cold talked like a man. A man with
no grasp of the English language. I done telling you.
But seriously, (OK, not
really) if you want to get Cena over as "urban,"
you might want to curtail the babytalk. You think a real
rapper would say “poop”? Nah, they'd bust a cap
in your umm, bum for
even suggesting it. Of course, real
Rappers wouldn't toss little packets of salted peanuts
at their opponents either. That said, just who in
the fuck is John Cena being targeted at, anyway? If I
was booking, I'd build the entire feud around those
peanuts. Because since Kenzo looks so much like the
Korean guy who owns the corner store you shop in, I'd
mark out to hear him adopt that very persona and yell
out to Cena: "Why you want
waste peanut like that!". The payoff would be him
calling Cena "Fifty Cent"-- not as a knock on Cena's
rapper persona-- but because that's how much he's
equated the peanuts worth to. You not buy magazine
you not read! Come again!
SmackDown (Brief) Thoughts.
Even though I handed
over the SmackDown reigns to our friend Michael
Melchor, I still get the odd urge to give my
twisted observations on occasion. I will now post
several of these select ramblings from this week’s
edition of SmackDown:
-So, Jindrak and
Long have parted ways? Probably for the best. After all,
isn’t Long supposed to despise “whitey”? I mean his own
BODY rejected white blood cells with hepatitis, last
year! And if Jindrak was any “whiter” he’d sweat milk.
This union never made sense to me.
- on Bradshaw’s
sanitizer: I wonder if he uses that on guy’s asses in
the dressing room too? I mean, you never know where that
disgusting Billy Silverman's been! Ahem.
-Kidman & London
win the titles! Wow, score one for ROH here! Kind of!
And Score one for effeminate pudding basin haircuts! And
speaking of ROH, I wonder why Feinstein never pushed to
get Billy onboard? You’d think with a name like “Kidman”
that Rob would be DYING to get him!
-Got to love the geisha
look with Hiroko. I wonder if Suzuki met her in
one of those massage parlors with the women who massage
your penis through a little hole in the wall. Man, I
wish they’d open up one of those here. Hell, if they
threw in a fast food take-out window, I’d never
leave!
-I’m no expert, but I’m
starting really suspect that this El Grande
Luchador guy just might not be the champion of
Mexico…
-Why is it ok for Jamie
Noble to spontaneously stop wearing pants, but it's
"taboo" and "illegal" for me?
-Heyman said it was The
Dudleys idea to abduct Paul Bearer, not his. Huh, call
me crazy, but after Undertaker tried to MURDER Bearer
himself, I’m pretty sure this is no longer an issue with
him..
-I Hate Smackdown!
(This one's not a joke. Just an observation).
 A Flair For Time
Travel.
Ric Flair is a many of
many hats. Some of those “hats” have included being a 16
time Champion. But did you know that the Nature Boy had
mastered the art of time travel?
We here at The
Wrestling Fan.com in our quest to report the news that
no one else dare touch, or completely fabricate, have
unearthed this shocking fact.
You all heard the
saying: “Jet Flyin’…Limousine Ridin”, right? Well,
exchange “limousine” for a 1980’s Delorean, and you’ll
be a bit closer to the truth.
You see, the idea for
the “Flux Capaciter” actually came to Slick Ric back in
‘83 in a bout with Harley Race. As Race dropped a knee
to Flair’s blond locks, it unlocked all the secrets of
the universe!
Soon, Flair began
construction on a vehicle that would open a worm hole
(Not Babydoll) in time and allow the Nature Boy to pass
freely, from this world to the next! It is also said
that Arn Anderson’s drinking problem began soon after,
as “Double A” saw Flair depart this dimension one cold
evening in the Carolinas, and insisted that the whole
sorted episode was in his head, and fell into the bottle
as a result! Uh oh! Quick, someone call the real AA!
Flair has since used
this craft many times over the last twenty years,
including erasing a Title loss to Randy Mulkey in 1988.
And you might ask yourself, “what title loss”? To which
my answer is “Exactly”. (Also, upon returning to WCW in
early 1993, Flair knowing then-booker Bill Watts
wouldn’t push him, chose to deposit the “Cowboy” in
prehistoric times…to which he lives quite happily to
this day.).
 Flair’s most harrowing quest
however was Lex Luger, whom no matter how many times he
used the Delorean, was always unable to get him over.
(second only to the time he brought his son David back
to 1905 to defeat George Hackenschmidt for the World
Title; only this act caused a ripple in the space time
continuum , and as a result DESTROYED the entire
UNIVERSE! Thankfully Slick Ric was able to remedy this,
however.).
Now, You might ask,
what relevance does all this have? And I’ll answer you.
Flair’s latest “project” has been Randy Orton, and his
current reign as Intercontinental champion. You see, the
fact is, the cocky 3rd generation superstar has
actually lost the Intercontinental Title EVERY night
since winning it in December of last year. But, thanks
to Ric’s fast thinking, and uncanny mastery of time,
space and dimension, he was able to go back and
continually allow Orton to leave as Champion! It's true!
The fact is Flair still
holds resentment over the fumbling of Lex Luger, and did
not want young Randy to suffer the same fate. Or Kill
Elizabeth. (Whom he returned to 1992 to kidnap and
preserve, because SHE WAS HIS BEFORE SHE WAS MACHO MAN's
WOOOOOOO!).
So for those of
you at the arena for the PPV this Sunday, and WHEN you
see Edge pin Orton in about two minutes for the IC
title…don’t freak out when you blink, then suddenly hear
“Winner and still Champion, Randy Orton!” and see Edge
out cold in the ring. That’s just that wacky Ric Flair,
bending the laws of science to suit his own
purposes. Unless it's pulling a credible match out
of El Gigante. Science has no way of combating that.
 It Almost Made Him Forget About Montreal…
Almost.
For those of you that
were hiding under a rock or a Steve Austin, and
haven’t heard, there’s quite the little brouhaha going
on between two of the IWC’s favorite wrestling stars:
Bret Hart and Ric Flair.
It all stems from
comments Flair made in his best-selling book “To be the
man”. (which ironically was also the working title
of Chyna's book in 1999).
Basically, without
going into great detail, Ric Flair made accusations
about “The Hitman” that ranged from accusing him of
being an over-rated, repetitive wrestler, all the way to
saying that Bret used the trial of the death of his
brother Owen to further his vendetta against Vince
McMahon over…wait for it…Montreal! Ya, seriously.
The hugest irony of
this situation to me isn’t the two plunging daggers into
each other’s hearts with scathing insults, but how
completely DIVIDED the internet seems to be over this
situation. It's like the Hatfield's and the McCoys. Only
with fatter thirty year old guys still
wearing eight year old nWo T-shirts.
For YEARS, you wouldn’t
hear nary a person describe EITHER has “over-rated” or
“untalented”, but in the course of a week, the two men
who seemingly were above the acid-tongued scrutiny of
the IWC, have had countless insults leveled in their
direction from this same previously adoring crowd, as
people take sides in this conflict of egos as the
eternal questions emerge: Calgary or Charlotte?…. WCW’s
best or WWF’s best?…. Limousines or…. ten speed
bicycles?…. Ok that’s a bad example.
Anyway…
The funny thing in this
whole situation when you break it down is the fact that
(with the exception of the Owen comments) each man is as
guilty of the claims the other has lobbed in his
direction. The similarities are actually startling. I’ll
give you a few examples:
Ric
Flair: July 1991: Ric Flair severs ties with
WCW/NWA and signs a contract with the then-WWF when he
learns he’ll be fazed out of the main-event. He is asked
to drop the title to Lex Luger on the way out, but for
uncertain reasons (that range from not being asked, to
refusing to) never did. Flair instead showed up on WWF
TV for all intents and purposes the WCW Champion. And
Luger was left holding the bag in WCW and had a
comically gigantic feathered mullet. One of
these things are unconnected.
Bret Hart: November 1997: Signs a
contract with WCW while in the midst of his reign as WWF
champion. (Also rumored because he too was being demoted
from main event). Is then asked to ‘drop the title’ to
Shawn Michaels, but refuses (again, depending on what
you believe, either for not liking the cut of HBK’s jib,
all the way to not wanting his reputation as a Canadian
Hero compromised by losing in the country he was
essentially defending).
And much like Flair,
Bret shows up in WCW as unofficial uncrowned WWF
champion (in the minds of fans anyway).
Ric
Flair: the formulaic wrestler: Bret’s biggest
allegation against Flair is that his matches were all
essentially the same (complete with cartoonish spots and
what he described as phony chops (?!).... BIG PHONY
CHOPS that leave the chests of his opponents with “big
phony” broken blood vessels?! Ahem.
Bret Hart: accused by Flair of
possessing the same predictable move-set sequence when
it comes to his matches i.e. the “five moves of doom”
(backbreaker, Russian leg-sweep, 2nd rope elbow,
inverted atomic rope, and anything ranging from a
running clothesline to a DDT or bulldog).
In
addition to these shared traits, the two were basically
always the “go to guy” in their promotion when the man
they tried pushing failed miserably, which ironically
enough for both men was LEX FUCKING LUGER at one point….
Also, the two were
HORRIBLY mishandled under the Eric Bischoff-ran WCW,
when Easy E. chose not to exploit how “over” both were
in 1996-1999 in favor of Hulk Hogan, his ominpresent
glistening dome and the nWo. But hey, why push Bret
& Naitch when you can build entire shows around the
tremendously exciting revelation and conclusion to THE
BARNBURNER FEUD OF 1999: 'WHO WILL BE THE NEW
LEADER OF NWO BLACK & WHITE?" between Stevie Ray and
Vincent. Sometimes you just got to cut the fat, so
fucking Curly Bill can get a PPV payoff, what can I say.
Now with that said, I
have to say that I enjoy both men’s work for different
reasons. And in defense of BOTH men, I must say that
first, Ric Flair is the epitome of what a pro wrestler
should be; that being someone who always leaves you
entertained. And as far as Bret goes, this talk of him
finishing each match the same way is ridiculous and
honestly uneducated. Bret always utilized a unique
psychology in each of his matches. In fact, sometime
he'd tell you you had deep-rooted mother issues
and he'd delve deep into your past to uncover
these repressed revelations. Oh, and he'd pin you
a bunch of different ways. I like the first psychology
better.
Bret essentially
wrestled a different match against each opponent he
wrestled (working on a big man’s legs for example) and
even though he used the same wear down holds, he would
often have a custom created finish designed for that
particular opponent.
Besides, it's not like
everyone didn't have key moves in their arsenal. I mean,
you never saw Hulk Hogan suddenly break into an STF or a
moonsault whilst punching some fat fuck in the face
three times and slamming him, right? You never saw
Ultimate Warrior ever..do...any...move...ever, right?
Right. Ya.
If you go back, you’ll
actually see that Bret was WWE(F)’s last
catch-as-catch-can wrestling champion. And he'd catch
that catch can every time. Or something. In
fact, after his reign, wrestlers always seemed to
finish with their finishing moves and not unique pinning
combinations, that as a result, programmed the audience
to no longer buy these as believable finishes, all but
destroying the credibility of near-falls
forever.). FUCK YOU MODERN WAY WRESTLING. FUCK YOU
IN YOUR STUPID ASS.
So, ya, the truth here
actually lies somewhere in the middle. Which would be
Minnesota, I think. And it’s obvious that both men,
despite their high profile, have surprisingly low
self-esteem and more so than that, seem to hold onto
grudges FOREVER. To me, despite their differences with
one another, both are essentially THE SAME FUCKING
PERSON.
However, in a side
note: there are several comments in the Bret Hart retort
that did strike me as hilarious.
I’ll list a couple of
snippets, and give my two cents from there and keep in
mind, these aren’t a knock on the Hitman (who for the
record is my favorite wrestler ever), just my opinion on
a few quotes that I felt were silly.
“First off, chops hurt - and in my opinion
they look like crap.”
Except when they’re
thrown by Chris Benoit? How can they look like crap if
they make actual contact? Silly? I'll give you that.
Whenever I've gotten into a fight, I don't pause,
posture, then unbutton my adversaries shirt first before
unloading. STAY STILL SO MAY CHOP THEE.
“He (Flair) somehow became WWF champion
and Vince McMahon carefully constructed an elaborate
storyline for this very important match.”
Somehow became
champion? Good thing they started having wrestling
become predetermined after 1992. Imagine the chaos!
“Everyone knows that most of the time WCW
wrestlers worked in front of empty chairs in empty
arenas.”
And the WWF was just
packing them in with Bastion Booger in 1993? (I only say
this because both promotions had their peaks and
valleys).
“You’ll find nary a wrestler that would
describe me, Savage or Foley as back stabbers or sneaky
liberty takers, but with Flair you better take a
number!”
Savage had no time to
be a backstabber. He was too busy thinking of creative
places to lock Elizabeth so she’d be safe from the
Prom-night hands of that stark-raving Hulkster, Bruther.
“Scott Hall was not in the dressing room
in Boston, but it happened (Bret telling off Ric)
numerous times and he did witness it somewhere.
All one would have to do is ask Scott Hall where it
was. He told the story countless times.
Unfortunately, I had to politely dress down Ric Flair
three or four times.”
This is my absolute
favorite. Not that I’m disputing the story, but a world
where Scott Hall's memory is your gold standard and Hall
himself is a beacon of integrity, is a world I
don’t want to live in….
Besides, calling Hall’s
best friend Shawn Michaels a “homo” countless times
isn’t exactly going to win “The Bad Guy’s” loyalty, me
thinks…
Now, on the other hand,
Flair’s take on Montreal was completely unfounded. Truth
be told, what he’s heard has either been hearsay or the
take of Shawn & Hunter...who was promised by
Bret's wife that God would strike him down. IT'S BEEN 7
YEARS. COME ON, GOD DO YOUR PART. So, ya, I don't
exactly take Naitch's opinion as gospel. Man, it's
hard to believe he keeps his hair so white considering
how far he has his head up DX's asses.
So, there you go. Two
very insecure, petty men…who just happened to be the
best in the world at what they do. There's not that many
of us.
Mattitude Adjustment
In a strange twist of
fate (HIYO) Matt Hardy started out this week as the talk
of the Internet, and sadly, much like a Hardy “push”,
faded into obscurity while a much bigger angle took his
“spot”.
Earlier this week, V1
took it upon himself in his column over at WWE.com to
criticize the Internet. However, unlike a certain goose
stepping good ole boy, Hardy had the decency to not call
us homosexuals or knock the fact we wear Big Show "Big
All Over" T-shirts when we masturbate to a fluttering
Trish Stratus screen saver. That makes Matt good people
in my book.
Matt’s biggest gripes
were that those on the Net are far too critical of the
product, while not choosing to focus on the positives,
or at least, offer constructive criticism. Man’s got a
point there.
And, of course from
there, he spoke up for Lita and downplayed the recent
negativity towards her and put her over as the top
“diva” in the Fed. But what else would he say? It’s his
fucking girlfriend. We’ve all been in that position, and
although deep down we know our friends speak the truth
about our girls, we still get defensive, because after
all, even though you may enjoy a game of cards or the
big game with these buddies, your bread is still
buttered at home, and going against your woman is a one
way ticket to couch duty as you lay battered and broken
on the poorly made Ikea futon sofa, while she sleeps in
the middle of your queen sized bed in angered defiance.
We know Matt. WE ALL KNOW.
Wait, what were we
talking about?
Anyway, to bottom-line
this incoherent rant, I agree with Matt’s take on the
IWC and I’ll be more positive in the future. But only
when it doesn’t suck.
Veeeee Onnnnnneah!
 From Acting
Stupid In Germany… To Bringing Back A Stupid
German.
John Heidenreich
is apparently now being groomed for a program with
the Undertaker. And not an actual Mortician as I'd
have hoped.
But Hey! Wrestling’s
innovator of the new pro-wrestling style that is
“Catch-as-catch-Can’t” is back! Yay! And he’s
pissed off at anyone who thought Little Johnny was a
pseudonym for his penis.
Actually, I was
impressed with his promo on SmackDown, but the fact
remains, in the ring, the guy’s the version of an oak
tree with his opponents being a slaloming Sonny Bono on
a pair of skis.
What I did find
humorous however, was his promo where he said that “only
one man will give him a chance…and that man is Paul
Heyman!” Wow, what’s next? David Duke starts
managing Booker T? I kid of course, but it is kind of
ironic that a Jew would embrace the prototype Nazi
superman? (well, if Superman had an inner ear infection
and lost his equilibrium).
I’ll reserve judgment
on this though, at least until I see if Cornette and
company taught him anything new while he was imprisoned
down in Louisville. And if not, all I can say is that
Kenzo Suzuki better start finishing his opponents
“Mortal Kombat” style, or I may have found my
replacement “whipping boy”.
 And Now A Word
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Who Was That
Mustached Man?
You know, you can’t go
anywhere these days without someone saying "Wrestling
used to better back when". And often, I tend to agree.
But likely not for the same reasons as you. And while
some may cite better psychology, better developed
rivalries, or even better storylines as their reasons
for this belief, I counter with this:
MUSTACHES!
Yes, that’s right. What
wrestling is missing, and would NO DOUBT bring the sport
back to the forefront of pop culture, is the beloved yet
elusive hair-lip of the bygone golden-age of
wrestling!
The fact is, today,
Mustaches are not as plentiful as they once were, with
often the only faces adorned with this timeless badge of
honor being Arabs, Columbian Druglords and of course
sleazy Quebecers.
But there was a time
when the mustache was a celebrated icon, to be cherished
and appreciated with the same reverence we bestow upon
the greatest of heroes. Yes, my friends, the wrestling
mustache was a sight to behold. And thanks to me, we
will now take time to bask in the awesomeness of this
celebrated hairy relic of a simpler time.
Wrestling’s Most Prolific
Mustaches:
 5. Dan
"The Beast" Severn; When talks of all time great
mustaches arise (and they do happen, damn it!), Severn’s
name always springs to mind. Severn is probably best
known for his success in the UFC’s octagon, but it’s his
impeccably groomed 'stache that has brought him most
fame and fortune. Although, the irony is, the man
who is labeled the "Beast" actually looks a lot more
like an air conditioner repairman than a practitioner of
the deadly arts of underground shoot-fighting. But looks
can be deceiving. You see, a sinister smile of sadism is
hidden under that furry flap just waiting to break your
arm without mercy. You just can't see it because his
face is too fucking manly. With that said, one can
definitely file Dan's celebrated mustache under "most
feared" in the business.
 4.Hulk
Hogan; The Hulkster is one of wrestling’s last
survivors of the mustache genocide that happened in the
latter 1980’s. Hulk’s mustache in question started off
as a simple radiated yellow strip above the mouth of the
stark raving Hulkster, but sometime in 2002, it took on
epic proportions. Hulk’s mustache at this point was only
rivaled by that of Quaker-oats spokesperson and
recipient of age-defying cocoon regeneration: Wilford
Brimley, for sheer unbridled walrusness . Sadly, Hulk’s
mustache, much like the dreaded flesh-eating bacteria,
eventually consumed his entire face, killing him. He was
50.
 3.
Magnum T.A.; Magnum was a huge star in the NWA in
the mid-1980’s, and named after fellow mustachio Tom
Selleck and his Magnum P.I. character. The young Terry
Allen bore a slight resemblance to the handsome TV star
and thus a character was born (although the urge to
saddle him with an ambiguously gay British sidekick
thankfully never transpired.).
Magnum had the world at
his feet in 1986, as he was being groomed for
Championship glory when his career (and almost his life)
was unceremoniously cut short when he drove his car into
a utility poll. What is not known, however, is that it
was the sheer sponginess of Magnum’s beloved mustache
that actually saved his life! Cushioning the blow by
acting as an air-bag, and thus keeping the young Terry
Allen from suffering any permanent neck and
brain-damage. Now that’s a mustache!
 2. Big
Bully Busick; Bully’s mustache is the mustache of
legend, having first been seen in the 1860’s clubbing
able bodied Irishmen as they got off the boat in New
York harbor, then forcing them to work in the docks. It
later attached itself to the face of Nick Busick in 1991
during a brief stint in the WWF, and much like the alien
"host" in the movie of the same name, it proceeded to
lay eggs in the Bully’s stomach, that eventually
hatched, burst through his chest, and killed more than
2/3’s of the locker room. WWF has never spoke of it
since. Or cared. Because at that point it was just Koko
B. Ware and Hercules.
 1. Scott Hall. Today Hall is
best known as one of the founders of the nWo and a guy
who’ll have no qualms about tackling your grandmother
into the bushes depending on how much he had to drink
that night. However, back during his formative years,
the future Razor Ramon wore a mustache that was ENVIED
by all those around him. In fact when historians (who
often forsake traditional issues for mustaches. True
Story) speak of the great mustaches of the twentieth
century, the consensus is usually his, whilst twirling
their monocles and sipping their Brandy's.
Hall possessed a
push-broom that would make any sleazy hustler envious.
In fact, with his feathered "halfro" and patented pussy
tickler, Hall looked like he would be a helluva a lot
more comfortable making swanky adult features, than
applying variations of the abdominal stretch in the cold
arenas of northern Minnesota.
Unfortunately though,
in late 1990, Hall shaved off his bountiful mustache for
good. And sadly, without ten pounds of well placed hair
there to act as a sponge and absorb 90% of the contents
of the bottle, Hall became an alcoholic.
So, there. And God
bless mustaches. It's like a bush ugly can hide behind!
 What You Gonna Do When BLUR-A Mania
Runs Wild On You!
The following appeared
on PWInsider.com
WWE
recently filed a lawsuit against Marvel Comics so that
they could maintain the rights to the "Hulk Hogan" name
as they launch their WWE 24/7 Video On Demand
service.
Bloomberg
Newswire ran an article today in which Marvel claims
that WWE's rights to the name expired this month, though
WWE claims that they own the rights until March of
2005.
Without
the Hogan name, WWE cannot market and distribute the
WWF, WCW, and WWE matches that they want to use as part
of the WWE 24/7 service.
WWE had
originally licensed the rights from Marvel Comics back
in 1985 when the company came forward saying that
Hogan's ring name was infringing on the rights of the
"Incredible Hulk" character, which was created by Stan
Lee back in the 1960's.
The
original agreement between the two sides covered the
names "Hulk Hogan", "The Hulkster", and
"Hulkamania."
One of the main
reasons why WCW often pushed the "Hollywood" Hogan name
rather than "Hulk Hogan" was due to the legalities of
the actual Hulk Hogan name.
The WWE’s best bet is
to just *restart* history at Montreal in 1997 and be
done with it. Because eventually all traces of their
legacy in the 1980’s will go the way of the Dodo. And I
for one am not looking forward to watching WrestleMania
3 to see a large blurry distortion body slam that 700
pound Giant..Bruther.
All kidding aside, it
will be interesting to see what WWE does here. After
all, the Hulk Hogan material in their extensive library
makes up a bulk of their most epic footage, and to edit
every reference to "Hulk" would be a mind-numbing task
to say the least. Like say watching all his matches. Ah,
I kid.
But it wouldn’t
surprise me if WWE fights it. This isn’t the first time
they’ve been stubborn in the past. After all, if it
wasn’t for them breaking their agreement with World
Wildlife Fund by marketing "WWF" in Europe, the company
would still be called World Wrestling Federation today.
But back to the Hulk
issue, some have argued that there are no comparisons
between the two (and WWE will probably argue this same
point), and thus the comic book character has no reason
to cite gimmick infringement. Ya, cause it’s not like
both are impervious to pain….or rip out of their
shirts…or are radioactive…oh wait. The only difference
is one is green, while the other is orange. So very,
very, orange.
Well, in closing, I
guess WWE either will have to fork out the cash or get
used to referring to the 1980’s phenomenon that was
"Bollea-Mania".
But at least Hulk can
still legally go by Hogan, well, at least until
Crocodile Dundee crawls out from a bog in fucking
Melbourne and takes his ass to a patent office….
 Joanie Hates
PACy
“Treat me for who and what I
am”- Chyna’s theme song.
I will. As soon as you
tell me what that is.
Anyway, since I didn’t
get to this little tidbit in last week’s column, I
thought I’d do it now.
From PWInsider.com
Joanie
"Chyna" Laurer was a guest on Howard Stern and provided
some very interesting details.
Teased
about her masculinity from start to finish, the former
WWE wrestler claimed that X-Pac had already made the
decision to return to WWE when he gets out of rehab.
They recently broke up due to X-Pac's decision, and she
claims that HHH got him back into WWE.
Additionally, Chyna
released news that she and X-Pac apparently have a sex
tape that she is willing to release. However, she fears
that due to X-Pac's likely involvement with WWE, the
tape's release may be blocked. She also put over that
she would be judging the MISS TRANSSEXUAL
PAGEANT.
Judging a Transsexual
pageant? Probably NOT the best way to deter certain
gender rumors, I’d think…
Anyway as far as the
“sex-tape” goes, this of course *officially* puts her at
the bottom of the “quasi-celebrity” barrel with other
notables like Paris “if you painted me blue, I’d be the
perfect Nightcrawler” Hilton and Pam Anderson. Now all
she needs to do to sink to even further depths, is
appear on a reality show where she fights someone as
equally worthless as herself. Oh wait..
That said, eventually,
Waltman responded, angry at Joanie for exposing his drug
issues to the public, before GIVING AWAY THE FUCKING
ADDRESS of the center himself.
However, my sympathies
still go to X-Pac here, as when this tape does
eventually surface, he’ll be in for a shock the likes of
which have not been seen since the movie “The Crying
Game”.
I can just picture the
scene.
**X-Pac, face down on
the bed biting down a pillow**:
X-Pac: “Joanie, do you always have to use
that strap on?”
Chyna: "hehe..ya, that's what it is... a
strap-on."
X-Pac: "Huh?"
Chyna: "Umm, nothing."
The scene then ends
with Joanie running into the bathroom “Buffalo
Bill-style” before Waltman can roll back over.
Man, the HORRORS that
await this poor soul. But then again, I’m sure we’re in
for some not-so viewer-friendly shots of X-Pac, too.
Here’s to hoping a pantsless bronco-buster never
transpires. Because if so, I'll be Chyna backflipping my
ass off my balcony.
On second thought, this
tape NEEDS to be released, so it can be destroyed, or at
the very least exorcised by a bevy of clergymen.
 Bad Haire
Day.
HILTON HEAD - A professional wrestler is facing
assault charges on Hilton Head Island for allegedly
throwing punches outside the ring. But he says he's the
one getting unfairly slammed.
Sean
Haire, 33, of Hilton Head, was charged with two counts
of simple assault and battery after allegedly hitting,
shoving and kicking two women at a bar last month.
According
to arrest warrants, Haire - that's Sean O'Haire to his
fans - assaulted the women at Club Hypnotic on June 12
at about 2:30 a.m.
According
to arrest warrants, Haire allegedly hit Ivy Rowland
"with an upward blow to the face and head, knocking her
hat off and later shoved her to the floor."
The
warrant claims Haire punched Deirdre Clancy "in her
face, knocking her to the ground and then he kicked her
in the head and back while she was on the floor. The
victim sustained trauma to her head and back
necessitating emergency room treatment and follow-up
care."
But Haire,
who is 6-foot-4 and weighs 270 pounds, said Wednesday
the women attacked him.
He said he was in
Club Hypnotic's VIP room when one of the women came up
and started dancing against him. After he declined her
attention, he claims she pushed him and he told a
bouncer to "Get this stupid bitch away from
me."
"I'm a
professional fighter," he said. "If I was going to
assault these people, they'd be in the hospital."
Oh
that O’Haire sure is class act. “They’d be in the
hospital”? Ya, that’d build A LOT more sympathy for your
plight than, umm, “I would never hit a woman.”
But more so than that,
I’m surprised he actually broke out such a stiff kick. I
mean, had he shown that kind of workrate in the WWE,
he’d still be under contract! That said, one can
imagine what his day in court will be like. And all I
can say is, good luck winning over the judge that day
when you’ve spent your time waiting for your case to
come up by convincing the others on the docket that day
that their crimes were all justified. I'm not telling you anything you
don't already know...
Anyway, in our quest to
get to the bottom of this story, we here at The
Wrestling Fan.com actually were able to get our hands on
the night club’s security camera footage! Above right
you’ll see ACTUAL stills from the alleged assault.
First we see O’Haire forgetting to
tell the woman in question “something she didn’t already
know” which in this case was “DUCK, BITCH!”
From there, O’Haire,
enraged at this point, actually scales the club’s flimsy
strobe lighting and attempts the vaunted “Sean-Ton “Bomb
from the scaffolding! Careening violently into the mass
of drug-induced Ravers! I usually need at least 4
Heineken's before I even attempt this.
So, with all this in mind, we here
at The Wrestling Fan, would like to give out our deepest
condolences to those who were allegedly injured. And in
a word of advice, if you’re going to harass a wrestler
with short temper, causing him to attack, do make sure
it’s Nathan Jones next time, so that way you can leave
the premises completely unscathed….
 Diva’s Search
(And Destroy).
Last Monday’s Raw was
one of the best booked in a long time…with one glaring
exception. And I don’t think I need to tell you what
that was.
Anyway, You get the
impression that Vince probably thinks this is a "good
idea", and apparently he knows his audience a little
better than us, because this ABORTION has actually
registered some TV ratings! OH, THE HUGE
MANATEE.
God, I hate the world.
Anyway, still in
denial, I decided to go to the infamous WWE chat room ,
home of the saddest, most pathetic creatures alive, to
see what the score was, and low and behold, that’s all
these fanboys talked about. Sweet Jesus. This couldn’t
be catching on, could it? Still, though, not completely
convinced, I seeked out some of the non-smark message
boards and once again, it revealed my worst fear: PEOPLE
ARE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
Arrrgghhhh. Anyway, I’m
NOT above blatant T&A exhibitions. (Although, my own
personal P&A Exhibitions don't seem to be catching
on..and kinda get me arrested). In fact I wish that
everyday women would settle their disputes like those in
the WWE, being in a state of undress and dripping with
pudding, but I just can’t believe people are actually
putting any emotional investment into this thing.
Maybe if the
“participants” were actually coached before they’re sent
out like a Dear in the headlights and embarrass
themselves. But no, it’s car crash TV its best. Only
we’re the ones in the car that has the accident…
Take last Monday’s
“Kamala” skit. Amusing for the first two times, then
gets OLD, really fast. As a matter of fact, it reminded
me of SNL in the mid-90’s where the skits were so lousy,
that you actually felt uncomfortable for the actors
bombing so badly.
This was the case on
Monday. And if this thing isn’t rigged, it damn well
should be. If only to avoid what happened on Monday.
(“Are you from Hawaii?” Ya, Cunt there's A LOT of Giant
spear carrying black people in HAWAII. Stay tuned next
fall for a new Cop Drama "UGANDA 5-0". Holy shit.
And for as much stock
as they’ve put in Carmella (the 2004 playmate of the
year), she was the ABSOLUTE worst of the bunch, not even
attempting to make an effort. I mean, she’s OK with
giving Verne Troyer a hand-job in the playboy grotto,
but participating in a Wrestling skit is “beneath” her?
(Although, I still wish I was beneath her). She
should be voted off in my opinion on principle alone.
Hey, wait! I've actually written about 7 paragraphs
about this thing! Am I actually starting to care about
this shit now? God help me…. God help us all!
Wrestling’s Most Celebrated
Mullets!
Earlier we examined the
beloved institution that was the wrestling mustache. And
this week we’ll travel a little north of the head, to
the very top, in fact, as we celebrate the hair-style
most commonly associated with wrestling, and its
fanbase, the Mullet!
So, without further
adieu, here is Wrestling's FIRST Mullet Hall Of Fame!
THE INDUCTEES!
 Scott Steiner; Before
he was “Big Poppa Pump”, Scott Steiner was an
All-American from Michigan university, throwing suplexes
with reckless abandon…all while sporting a hairstyle
that looked to be the famed cap of Davy Crockett
surgically attached to his scalp.
What is not known, however, is much
like the Biblical Sampson of Old Testament lore, Scotty
too would lose his powers when he decided to lose his
blessed mane. That, and his ability to coherently string
together a sentence.
Today Scott is but a
shell of his former self, broken and bitter, unable to
reclaim past glories, as his TRUE legacy lies in the
bottom of the dust pan of some nameless Bay-city Barber.
What a waste.
 The
Undertaker; Before he was the “Deadman” we all
remember, Undertaker debuted in the WWF sporting a
hairstyle that looked less like someone who’d guide your
soul safely across the River Styx, and more like someone
holding up a lighter at a Styx concert….
Decked out like an
1800’s old-west mortician (despite black spandex being a
rarity in the 19th century…) Taker proceeded to destroy
all those who stood in his way; his bright red pelt
acting as a reminder that this was one guy whom you
didn’t want to mess with (either that, or someone whom
you could score some quality weed from the back of his
bitching airbrushed van).
Soon though, Taker
began to grow his hair out, and ironically enough, it
was the Mullet of The Undertaker who soon itself
“Resting in peace”
 Mike Awesome; Mike
Awesome was one of the pioneers of the (failed) mullet
comeback of the late 90’s.
Mike Awesome’s mullet is unique as
its arguably the only hairstyle in history to possess a
savage blood-lust, only quenched when one of Awesome’s
opponents would be smashed through a table.
However, for all its
cruel instincts, Awesome’s mullet possessed a strange
symbiotic link to that of Billy Ray Cyrus, that at
times, blinded Mike’s mission of pain with thoughts of
snug fitting acid-wash jeans and romantic country
ballads. It was said that as a result, Masato Tanaka
(and many others) soon refused to work with him, after
the former “Gladiator” began serenading him to
“Achy-breaky heart” in mid-rest-hold. From there Mike
left ECW, and ventured to WCW where he shed his
trademark “do” for his true calling: FUCKING MORBIDLY
OBESE WOMEN.
 Ricky
Morton; Morton is wrestling’s most celebrated and
revered mullet, adorning the head of one half of the
Rock N’ Roll Express for almost twenty years!
The R & R Express
had a following like few others, mostly due to Ricky’s
mullet that had the unique ability to derive unmitigated
sympathy from all those in an arena… but more so than
that, of the hairstyling community as a whole, who were
said to “feel his pain” but for a completely unrelated
reason….
Unfortunately, Ricky’s
mullet wouldn’t stand the test of time, as the duo once
beloved by thousands of teenage girls, aged terribly,
with Morton giving birth to a paunch, while his partner,
Robert Gibson strangely metamorphosed into SCTV
personality & actor, Joe Flaherty. Some have
speculated that like the picture of Dorian Gray,
somewhere, there's a portrait of Ricky with a buzz-cut
and still looking twenty. Maybe.
However, regardless,
Ricky’s impact can still be felt to this day, a top the
heads of countless low-income mothers across the
country. So ,next time you see a welfare mom, cigarette
dangling from her mouth, pushing a stroller, sixteen
grocery bags hanging off the handles, don’t be afraid to
give her a high-five and yell “Rock and Roll
Forever!”... then dropkick her right in her mottled
face, preferably with a friend simultaneously. This
one’s for you, Ricky!
Mullet over.
(Feel free to nominate
new potential mullet inductees Here)
Ok, people that’s it
for me. I’ll be back soon with a song in my heart... and
a roophie in my pocket. Just ignore that last part, and
have a sip of this delicious beverage. You
sure look thirsty!
I'm Sean.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is
a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS. | 
