Hey y’all, and welcome to probably my
last column of 2004, and the gift that keeps on giving:
The Back-Leg Frontkick! Well, maybe for a half hour.
Then you forget all about it, and wonder why someone who
allegedly cared so much about you would get you
such a shitty gift. The BLFK is clearly the Christmas
socks of Wrestling columns. Or
something.
That said, Holiday season is upon us,
and you know what that means: I’ll once again be forced
to open my wallet and buy a slew of gifts for people I
see maybe once a year, and all so I can receive a gift
in return that I’ll never use. If only I could take a
page from George Costanza’s book and hand out donations
in their name to the “Human Fund”, all would be right in
the world.
But seriously. What the fuck is wrong
with people? Every year I make a list of things I
desperately want, and EVERY YEAR these same family
members choose to ignore my requests and instead get me
what they THINK I need. And I don't need a mason jar
full of salted Peanuts. This I promise you. And while I
don’t expect my grandmother to fetch me the elusive copy
of cinematic masterpiece Edward Penishands, I do expect
for once to not get the EXACT same gift on a yearly
basis. You see, every year, I BEG my family to not buy
me clothes or lottery tickets (Merry Christmas! Here's
nothing!), but regardless of my pleas, what’s there
almost always in the bottom of the box on Christmas
morn? But a shirt so horrendously tacky and homoerotic,
that in order to wear it, I’d have to make a severe
lifestyle change. I'm talking about an article of
clothing SO FUCKING GAY, that it would likely make me
burst into flames if I ever dared try it on. You know,
on account of all the gayness, you see.
You know what, though? I may not be
able to stop them from buying lousy gifts, but I sure
can return the favor! So, starting this Xmas, in the
true spirit of the season, I will seek my revenge by
giving the absolute shittiest gifts you’ve ever seen.
You just wait. Merry
Christmas!
Onto the
Wrestling!
2004 was a year of great change in
the industry. One that saw the crowning of both Eddie
Guerrero & Chris Benoit as the industry's standard
bearers, as both deserving stars embraced one another at
Wrestlemania XX in perhaps the most genuine and
emotional moment in the event's history. WWE then
followed this up by putting the belt's on HHH and JBL.
So, ya, 2004 was basically the equivalent of the best
head ever, that unfortunately finished with the woman
biting off your dick and laughing at you as you try to
fumble through the sheets looking for your discarded
penile helmet tip. I'm telling you, it's just like that.
I think.
But that said, let's get to the rest
of my review. Some other columnists might prefer to go
over the truly important issues of the year, the great
matches, the highs, the lows, etc., but those people are
assholes. I just like to make jokes and offend
people.
YEAR IN REVIEW:
2004
Over the past year, I’ve had a lot of fun at A
LOT of other people’s expenses, so with that in mind,
let us look back at some of my favorite targets and
relive the
misery!
Brutus Beefcake- Brutus Beefcake,
former WWF wrestler and the man who wipes Hulk Hogan's
leathery orange ass on command, gets involved in an
anthrax scare in Boston , where he chose to forsake
years of haircutting prowess for the bright lights and
excitement that can only come from working as a fare
collector at a Subway station. Seriously. He
then ended up leaving a "bag" unattended that
contained a mysterious white powder (and not a slew of
gigantic red & white gardening shears.). The first
assumption by those who found the bag was that it was
"Anthrax". Fortunately, though, the powder contained
within just turned out to be COCAINE. Yes,
Cocaine. STRUTTIN' AND CUTTIN'...lines of Coke,
baby. As if Brother Bruti needs to be anymore strung
out. Although, I find it perversely amusing to think
that if you found Brutus passed out stoned, you'd just
revive him by sitting him up, and then jumping in the
air and stomping on his shoulders. What's good for
the goose, after all.
So, ya, that's Brutus' year in a nut
shell. In a related note, though, Roddy Piper is
now said to be VERY interested in becoming a fare
collector...
Jake The Snake
Roberts: Former WWF star and the man best known
for shaking one off in a trashcan in the film in Beyond
the Mat, Jake Roberts, is charged by London courts in
the death of his pet python Damien. Earthquake, unlike
OJ before him, is just glad the "real" killer was
finally discovered. Jake ends up being found guilty of
animal cruelty in Damien’s starvation death and is
fined. My theory all along was that Jake just ate all
the food. I mean, just look at the last two times we've
seen him. And besides, we should have seen this
coming. This is a dude who WORE SNAKE SKIN BOOTS,
while carrying a pet snake. That's like being a member
of fucking PETA and wearing so much fur people mistake
your Ass for the Ghost of Christmas fucking
Present.
But in a side note, isn't it ironic
that often these exotic snakes have to be de-venomized
before you can even own them, yet it's Roberts
himself that really should have all the poisons
removed from his body?....
Rob
Feinstein: Former ROH Owner and RF Video head
honcho Rob Feinstein is busted by an anti-pedophile
group who posed in a chat room as a 14 year old boy
named "Brandon"; and after an apparent two day
conversation, (which RD should be selling any day now
for like 40 dollars) RF got into his Lexus and
drove out to the boys supposed location where
he was then caught on camera, before jumping into
his car and speeding off. OH NOES. Who could have seen
this coming? The last thing I'd ever suspect from a
guy who founded a company filled almost entirely with
lean, youthful, half naked dudes, would be a love of
underage teenagers. What a head
scratcher.
Anyway, the belief is that Feinstein (who
was never charged) was there to solicit sex from the
pretend teenager, although secretly I had hoped that it
was just to decipher the 4 hour shoot interview
with Iron Sheik, that to this day I have no clue as to
what the fuck was going on…..
Feinstein then supposedly resigns as owner
of ROH, but the scandal allows NWA TNA to pull their
contracted wrestlers from Ring of Honor entirely,
obviously not wanting to be associated with Feinstein
and his alleged need to find a young boy to umm, "push"
in his private organization "TURD-RING Of Honor". I
can't say I blame TNA. Who wants to be associated with
SMUT like that, when you can just produce wholesome
family entertainment like midgets jerking off in
Trash-cans?
Stone
Cold Steve Austin:
The
Stone Cold leaving the WWE story was over-shadowed by
his spats with his seemingly insane ex-girlfriend
Tess
Broussard of blue
movie fame. (Blew movie?). And before you ask, "A
Wrestler and a Porn Star?," the two
actually had a lot more in common than what you’d think.
First, both are expected to roll around with
barely clothed unattractive men, both have a maneuver
that sees them leap vertical onto a man with legs
wrapped around the torso; and where Austin's business
sees men wear socks on their hands, it's not uncommon in
Tess's profession to see the same foot apparel used to
cover up the swollen moneymakers of its "stars". Ok,
there’s a chance I just wanted to use this joke again,
sue me.
Anyway, Tess’s first alleges that
Steve tried to re-injure her broken foot (yet no mention
was made if Steve in fact placed a steel chair over it
first), followed by accusations that Austin, and I
quote, "grabbed her by the ankles and swung her around
the room", although I tend to disbelieve this if only
because Austin hasn’t varied his repertoire in
years. What, a stunner not good enough for
you? However, regardless, if it is true, part
of me is still envious that the Texas Rattlesnake
has the living room space to pull off a properly
executed “Giant Swing” without breaking any of his
furniture.
Anyway, from there, Austin is said to offer
her 1.5 Million dollars to get out of his life, and then
goes on to say that during a dinner to discuss these
details, Tess stabbed Austin’s business manager! Tess
however countered that the manager STABBED HIMSELF. (if
there was ever an agent to hire! Imagine what he'd do to
get you a movie role? Draw & quarter
himself?…).
That all said, Austin & Tess have
now gone their separate ways and no new incidents have
arose. So, good luck to Steve, and
just remember, next time you're looking
through the personals, not too many women tend to list
“Piston-like right hands” as their “turn-ons". Keep
reachin' for that rainbow,
though.
Warrior: Warrior’s insanity knows
no bounds, so why wouldn’t he be my favorite
target?
I'll just make sure there's no
ropes close by in the case he ever tries to track me
down.
Anyway, since stepping away from the ring, Warrior’s
now best known for dispensing “Warrior Wisdom” from his
website which often includes the "evils of Liberalism"
and how he’d like to swat indecents until they “bleed”
(I’m not kidding).
However, Warrior’s usual target tends
to be homosexuality. Although, I find it really ironic
that a man who detests gays so much would have
participated in an industry that sees oily men roll
around with one an other, exchanging "holds" and wearing
make-up. I mean, just look at Warrior's finisher. For a
guy so repulsed by such things, he sure didn't have a
problem cupping someone's junk in mid-air like a fat kid
in a cookie-jar as he "pressed" them over his head.
Also, wasn't this the same guy who would constantly pull
Rick Rude's tights down in mid-match? LET HE WHO HAS NOT
FELT THE PENILE REGION OF AT LEAST 100 JOBBERS ON WWF
SUPERSTARS CAST THE FIRST
STONE.
Also, if you read his commentaries, you'll
find that he has an unhealthy obsession with "Atlas",
constantly referring to him in EVERY single post as if
he is Warrior's personal hero. But, if you really want
to break it down, isn't Atlas basically just a big
squatting naked man with a ball on his head? And if
that's not a metaphor for homosexuality, I don't know
what is....
From there, our favorite
“Warrior Man”, thought so much of himself and his worth
that he decided to sell, and I quote, “A one of a kind
colored championship belt”, that he claims NO ONE owned,
for the outrageous price tag of $23,500 dollars. Anyway,
things didn’t exactly go as Warrior planned and
eventually he pulled the item, but not before discussing
it with his hands first for 20 minutes (they after all
gave him some great advice at Wrestlemania 7...),
eventually giving this response to a fan
who dared question the belt’s validity:
"What else needs to be said? It's
real. It's genuine. It's true. I own it. I am Warrior.
The Creator, Owner and Performer of The Ultimate
Warrior, former WWF Heavyweight Champion.
Ultimate Warrior was the only talent who wore
colored WWF Heavyweight Championship belts. Period.
Ultimate Warrior was the only one to were a blue
WWF Heavyweight Championship belt.
Period."
Wow, HE SAYS IT'S REAL, so it
must be! What court in the land wouldn’t
take that as gospel? You know, some people
might want a legal guarantee, but when a guy with a
painted face who spent 2/3rds of his life in his
underwear, and whom LEGALLY CHANGED HIS FUCKING
NAME TO WARRIOR, guaran-damn-tees that’s it’s the real
deal, who wouldn’t take that at face value?
Everybody? Maybe. Besides, it's not like
you can return mail it. Just where in the fuck is Parts
Unknown,
anyway?
But
if this still is not good enough for you, Warrior chimes
in with this: "You get all the verification upfront that
you need and as long as I am alive, I will be gladly
available to verify its authenticity." See? Warrior will
personally verify it’s authenticity FOR YOU. So don’t
fret, next time someone says "Warrior never really owned
that!", all you have to do is place a call to parts
unknown…or better yet, flash the Warrior-Symbol from WCW
into the night sky, and Warrior will run from his home
in Arizona to your house, to yes, VERIFY THAT THIS
SUPER UNIQUE COLORED BELT THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER WORN
(ESPECIALLY SGT. SLAUGHTER) IS THE REAL DEAL!!!!
WARRIAH! Oh yeah, unless he's dead as he mentioned. But
hey, I wouldn't buy it. I saw this guy get locked in a
coffin once for 12 minutes straight and he was
just fine. So in the event of his death, just
pull that casket off the rolling beer-case wheels at the
Crematorium , crack the bitch open and get Warrior's
guarantee. IT'S YOUR ULTIMATE
RESPONSIBILITY.
Here’s to hoping for a 2005 filled with more
Destrucity!
Vince
Russo:
Sometime this year, while demanding
the female locker room accidentally explode from their
tops mid-match, and while breaking the spirits of the
non-American TNA locker room, our own Vinnie Ru found
religion! Turns out it was behind the couch all
along. And from there, Russo stated that soon he’d
give up wrestling to become a MINISTER. Hopefully, none
of that includes making Mideon drink his blood or tying
someone to giant metal
cross.
Anyway,
here’s the exact statement made by Russo earlier this
year:
"I don’t expect many to understand—but in
time they will, I believe we all will. It took me 42
years to "get it", but the point is—I got it. And that’s
why starting May 24th I'll be attending Denver Seminary
School."
Anyway,
Vince Russo did stick to his word, even if his New
Yawk accent makes it almost entirely
unintelligible, and left TNA after its first 3 hour
PPV where he surrendered full kayfabe control to Dusty
Rhodes. His last SIN,
apparently.
That
said, being the asshole that I am, I speculated as to
what a Russo-ran parish would actually be like. Here
were my findings:
- Makes the women carrying
around the collection plates wear bikinis and
participate in the occasional "Baptism gown"
match;
-Turns away Mexican and Japanese
parishioners because no one would "buy" them as
Christians anyway...
-During a sermon he'll insist that
Jesus was crucified on a "symbol" and not a cross.
- Performs baptisms in pudding
instead of water;
-Attempt to bring in more church
goers by staging "Jesus: This is your life".
-When someone doesn't tithe, he'll
point that person out and yell: "You'll never see that
bald piece of shit again!"
-He'll refer to Judas' betrayal as a
botched heel turn.
-Refers to the time Jesus "cut a
promo" on the mount of olives.
-Confuses his congregation by
insisting John 3:16 means "I just whipped your ass".
-In an attempt to hook young people,
he'll create "hip" and "edgy" youth groups like
"D-Nomination X" and nWo (new World
orthodox).
-When reading from the book of
Revelations, and speaking of Armageddon, he won't be
able to resist the urge to yell "Live on Pay-per-view!".
-And
finally, He'll throw down his collar in a SWERVE
and yell that it was all a ruse!.... before ultimately
going back to God three weeks later with no explanation
given...
GOD SPEED, VINCE!
(LITERALLY!).
Divas
Search:
The WWE ventures into the realm of
Reality TV, but much like every other non-wrestling
venture they’ve ever tried, the concept is an epic
failure. But hey, maybe if we combined THEM ALL, it'd
finally work! Stay tuned to the $250,000 XFL BODYBUILDER
SEARCH. Extreme Football and shirtless muscle posing
whilst sitting bare-assed in pies. It'll be
something.
For week's, WWE dedicates a quarter
of an hour to the Diva hopefuls, who in turn go out and
produce more abortions than Gene Snitsky. (apparently,
during beach photo shoots and the WARS that are bikini
competitions, you never know when you’ll be
spontaneously expected to drop everything and
seduce a morbidly obese Ugandan).
The apparent "star" of the search
seems to be Carmella, who week in and week out shows as
much charisma as a 1960’s TV robot, all while showing as
much raw sex appeal as fucking Mickey Rooney, despite
being a former Playboy Playmate. From there, she
no-shows Summer Slam’s CELEBRATED Dodgeball contest
(which was unfortunate, because let’s face it, who’d
know more about being slapped in the face by
errant balls than a Playboy Playmate?). Still, even
without their leader, the hopefuls annihilate the actual
Divas, and Christie Hemme, who to quote JR is “full of
spunk” (I’ll be willing to donate some more to the
cause!) ends up winning the contest, after swaying the
vote no doubt by declaring that her Ass was
"hungry" then subsequently feeding it some pie as she
plummeted front-bum first into the filling. Rumors
persist this too is how Kennedy eventually secured
the vote in
1960.
And of
course, as we all know by now, WWE hired all the
castoffs anyway, but not before firing half its
midcard roster to make room for the influx of women who
now find themselves thrust into various roles such as
"personal trainers", "executive presidential
secretaries" and "special friends to one the Big Show".
Oh my. But hey, who wants to see actual wrestling
when you can watch these SUPER
TALENTED ladies stretch with the wrestlers in the
back, bake turkey dinners, pretend to be make up
artists, and take the full load of a
Giant?
Victoria's dancing:
WWE
stops payment on all Rubles to T.A.T.U, and the era of
psychotic Victoria gives way to the new “Happy Fun
Victoria”, who is reminiscent of WCW’s Nitro Girls….if
they were all of a sudden struck with epilepsy. Victoria
’s Elaine Benis-like dance routine becomes somewhat of a
fixture on WWE TV for several weeks, in
addition to kissing children in the audience,
despite the fact that not six months earlier, the
character would have bitten their noses off and spit
them back in their faces. That's some psychological
recovery there. I wonder what MIRACLE DRUG Vickie took
that turned her from paranoid psycho to
fucking Paula Abdul with Parkinson's in
a one month period. I've been to the Pysche
Ward. Come Med-time, they don't all spontaneously
break out into fucking Soul Train. What
gives?
JBL: Perennial mid-card act
Bradshaw transforms himself into JBL, but creates HUGE
controversy when during a tour of Germany, he
goose-steps to gain some “heel” heat. As a result,
Germany recalls all their suplexes in retort. Or
not.
Later
that week, he’s fired as an analyst on CNBC, when
hundreds of emails flood their offices, from those
individuals, (us), whom JBL claimed made no impact
whatsoever.
JBL
eventually shakes off the controversy like it was the
integrity and DNA of Billy Silverman, and
becomes WWE Champion regardless, and WWE opts to take
the high road (for once) and not capitalize on the
controversy. (Although it would have made sense.
Bradshaw, much like the Nazi’s, did commit some of his
most heinous atrocities in a shower
room…).
Heidenreich:
WWE calls big Jon up to the main roster
(sans Little Johnny) and eventually he’s programmed with
Undertaker, where the two meet at Survivor Series in the
potential first ever “Worst of Everything
series”.
Apparently though, Heidenreich was
originally going to be brought back as a Nazi that was
frozen for 60 years. Which might explain the pace of his
wrestling. Clearly, he just needs time to
finish thawing out! Give him a break! From
there, Heidy grew as a performer, and adopted two very
important aspects to his character. Poetry, and
ass-fucking. Does Lanny Poffo know of this blatant
trademark
infringement??
Booker Bear: Those
familiar with this site are familiar with the plight of
the Booker Bear. But for those who don’t know, Booker
Bear was a stuffed animal likeness of Booker T sold in
Shop Zone, that obviously no one ever really thought
through. You see, the doll was probably the single most
unintentionally racist thing I’ve ever seen. In fact,
this bear looked as if when it was done executing a
scissors kick in the imagination of your children, he
was off to work for a cruel master in the fields for
absolutely no pay whatsoever. That cotton doesn't pick
itself, sucka. For weeks, the Sambo-like Booker
Bear went unnoticed, when suddenly and without
explanation, it was yanked from the Shop Zone listings.
Harry & I of course took credit for exposing this
controversy (and subsequently pointing it out across the
web), but rather than mourn his loss and lament WWE, we
instead decided to make him the site’s un-official
mascot. But still, where did Booker Bear go and more so
than that, who in their right mind thought this was a
good idea? Surely this person had three first names and
had a penchant for tucking his bib overalls into his
boots? Truthfully, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com
truly hope there is some sort of secret Shop Zone
underground railroad, and that Booker Bear has
finally been emancipated and is on that Train to
FREEDOM.
Bob
Holly: You know, there was a reason why Koko B.
Ware never got a program with a Hulk Hogan. And it’s the
exact same reason Holly shouldn't have got one with
Brock Lesnar. There’s mid-carders, and there’s
main-eventers. And then there’s asshole midcarders.
Guess which category Hardcore fits
into?
The fact is, Holly got his bone at
the Royal Rumble, but still, the memories of race car
pants and a mullet last seen in the mid 1980’s at a
Styxx concert were enough for the Internet to shit
on his Title push, and brand him the worst lame duck
challenger since The Patriot in 1997. UNCLE
SHAM.
But at
least Bob took it in stride…. he only injured three
people this year. With the most recent victim being Rene
Dupree, who apparently got a ticket on Holly’s car and
didn’t pay it, forcing Hardcore to fly out of
state to settle it. I picture the plane covered in
stickers and the cock-pit enclosed in mesh to make him
feel at home. Holly then returned the favor by
destroying Rene Dupree on a house show, bloodying him
and leaving him with a black eye. I have no idea why. It
wasn't like Holly wasn't going to drive it into a wall
anyway.
If
only WWE had followed my advice earlier this year,
and trapped his essence in a giant pane of glass and cast
him into space for eternity ala Superman 2, none of this
would have ever
happened.
Hulk
Hogan:
Bollea-Mania
is running wild! It was Hulkamania, but *someone*
forget to mail the check to Marvel comics and thus
destroyed 10 years of archival continuity. 'Nuff
said.
Seriously
though, for a guy who hasn’t wrestled in almost two
years, Hogan’s managed to keep his name (and his
gloriously huge shiny noggin) in the news anyway.
First there’s the aforementioned issue
about the name “Hulk” where WWE’s 20 year licensing
agreement went up in smoke faster than RVD’s dressing
room. WWE is now forced to write a little reversionary
history, while selling us on the time HOLLYWOOD Hogan
bodyslammed the 700 pound Giant, Bruther. Andre
still died three days later, mind you, but "Hulk"
is nowhere to be heard, dude. Still, because of
WWE’s short sightedness, they now have the unenviable
task of replacing “Hulk” on every video capture of Hogan
they have, and all this on the heels of their 24/7
service that will likely feature the stark ravin’
huckster in huge doses. But still, why can’t
Hogan be "Hulk"? There’s not like they
have a lot in common. Well, besides both being
impervious to pain….or ripping out of their shirts…or
being radioactive (Green and orange respectively). Oh
wait. Never mind. Forget I said
anything.
From
there, Hulk began a campaign to make his daughter the
next Britney Spears, but somehow, someway, most of the
attention ended up on the HULKSTER himself (SURPRISE~!).
No doubt, Brooke now can see the plight of one Mr.
Wonderful Paul Orndorff and a slew of second tier 1980’s
WWF midcarders. Now, if only she’d blindside Hogan with
a steel chair, my life would be
complete.
And
finally, the seemingly unending rivalry between the
Mega-powers umm, exploded in all it’s geriatric
wonder this past year, when years of pent up frustration
caused the Macho Man to lash out at the Hulkster the
only way he knew how: Through Rap music. Macho Man
released an album demanding Hogan “Be a Man”, and
finally, Hogan responded first citing that “he used to
beat up Macho pretty bad” in an interview. That Hulk
Hogan! He was always taking liberties with his stiff
style! I mean, how many careers did that leg drop
prematurely end? But, one comes to expect this when
you employ the ultra physical style Hogan is known
for……
And finally, the shit really
hits the fan when for the first time in years,
as Hogan and Macho were in the same arena at
TNA’s Victory Road ppv. Hogan
was said to extend the awkward Mega-Power handshake and
even offers up an alleged “I love you, Bruther!”
(which for the record is only acceptable when both
parties are fried out of their gourds) but Macho Man
REFUSES!!!! The Madness no longer meets the
Mania! And the world cries. Or maybe just 1987 Vince
McMahon. Hogan then says he’s willing to step out
back with Macho to settle the score, but Macho Man
declines Hogan’s offer to settle it like (really, really
old) men. As a result, we are thankfully spared the
sight of seeing only a burning pile of embers remaining,
with a couple of dew-rags and weightlifter's belt. It
could have been
tragic.
Sadly, the two never even think to
settle their differences in the most obvious manner
possible: Through the AWESOME POWER OF FREESTYLE
RAP! Hell, Hogan could even adopt a cool Rapper persona
like Ice-T. (Orange Pekoe, perhaps?). That would be
so money.
Sean O'Haire: Sean
O’Haire gets released from the WWE and not soon after is
leveled with allegations that while in a night club, he
kicked a woman in the head. Sean’s carefully crafted and
sympathetic defense as to why he couldn’t have committed
such an act was “the bitch would be in the hospital” as
opposed to the usual “I’d never hit a woman.”. O’Haire
then claims that the woman in question was
pestering him and even wrecked his suit, likely the very
one he used to seduce the 2003 locker room into acts of
un-repented evil. The woman however still insisted the
Sean “Told her something she didn’t already know” which
in this case was “Duck!”. Poor Sean. Had he shown this
type of workrate
in the WWE, maybe
he’d still be under contract. We could have really used
his brand of chivalry during the Diva's search. I'm
telling you. A few superkicks here and there, and
maybe WWE could have saved a quarter of a
mil.
WWE dress code: WWE
institutes a strict dress code policy that asks the
wrestlers to wear suit jackets and ties or face being
fined. The entire tiger-striped Zubaz pants industry
then instantly goes into
bankruptcy.
Anyway, despite WWE's claims that
their wrestlers technically being independent
contractors, WWE enforces the rule anyway, citing that
it’s not too much to ask the talent to dress
professionally. Even if they are zombies, set people on
fire, pretend to be superheroes, or fuck corpses on live
TV.
That said, maybe Vince should rewind some of
that 24/7 library back the 80’s and look at what
he was wearing. I mean, compared to
gigantic powdered blue sports blazers, or fucking
hounds tooth jackets so fucking horrendously bright
& tacky, viewers at home go into epileptic fits,
roll on the floor in circles Curly-style, then explode,
I'm thinking a
t-shirt and jeans combo isn’t exactly the end of
the world. And you had to laugh at them expecting
wrestlers to look “professional”. I mean, you’re talking
about an industry that sees talent trying to run people
over with cars, drug, kidnap, and in turn force women to
marry them, attack their bosses on a weekly basis, and
did I mention, fuck corpses? I did? Good. I mean, wow!
You BETTER be wearing a fucking tie in public or
people just may start to have a less than favorable
opinion of
wrestling....
Kane/Lita/Snitsky: If anyone ever
makes threats towards me, I can only hope
that my girlfriend has the foresight
and courage
to dissuade him by fucking him into passivity like
WWE’s own extreme Diva,
Lita!
By now, we all know the story,
it’s as old as time; Boy meets Girl. Girl has a sexual
rendezvous with an evil demon to prevent the
smiting of a boyfriend that not 6 months before
humiliated and dumped her on TV. Girl gets pregnant with
said demon’s child and is forced to marry him in a
dark ceremony while said former boyfriend is blocked by
a wall of nonsensical fire and sent to hell via
chokeslam. Girl then loses child after a steel
chair mishap and becomes depressed despite now being out
of any sort of commitment to said Demon. You know, that
same old story.
If
anything, this entire storyline gave me more material
than just about anything in the world. But, just think,
had Lita insisted that Kane wear a condom, this may have
never happened. (although, since Kane can project fire
from his hands, one would assume that his undead
love seed would be the equivalent of piping hot
magma and simply burn through the prophylactic anyway.
It's science. You can't fight
it.).
Of
course, the one great thing to come out this whole
ordeal was GENE SNITSKY, who thankfully has shown me
that in the matter of accidentally impregnating my
girlfriend, all I have to do is strike her in the
stomach with a steel chair! That's right. MONEY SAVED.
No more obscenely expensive nurseries to decorate. No
tacky Showers that you have to actually leave the house
for. No Lamaze classes. Thanks to Gene Snitsky,
you get to enjoy her three-times enlarged titties for a
few weeks without all the cost and time and mood swings
you'd normally be forced to undertake. Snitsky truly is
a visionary. Unless that "vision" is actually "seeing"
that he has a horrendous acne problem, and thus
showering or doing laundry more than once a
year.
Still
though, through it all, I always hoped we’d get to see
the whole angle play out completely culminating in the
birth. As a matter of fact, I’ll leave you with a
snippet of what I wrote last June, in regards to what
Mr. and Mrs. Kane would have had in store for them:
One can
only imagine what kind of child these two would spawn,
but I think it would be pretty safe to say that it might
not have the best collective balance in the
world.
-I
imagine that Lita's birthing would be "extreme". And I
have to wonder if Lita might lose herself in the moment,
and when the doctor inevitably sticks his head between
her legs to "deliver" Kane Jr., she'll take him
over with a
flying headscissors....
-Baby
Kane, would be likely be an animated child, and one can
almost picture him, while teething, in a fit of anger,
igniting the four corner posts of his flame-retardant
baby crib at once. Also, this same skill would likely
save Lita the bother of ever having to warm up Baby's
bottle. I mean, why use a stove when Baby has the
inherited skill to produce fire from its
fingertips?
-In
today's day and age, Father's are much more "hands on",
so it wouldn't be too far fetched to picture The Big Red
Machine taking Kane Jr. to the "office" so to speak on
some sort of "Take your child to work day". Just imagine
Kane dispensing thunderous chokeslams, all the while
Baby Kane looks on in wonder from a specially designed
harness on his
chest?
-Things
MAY get a little more difficult as the child grows,
though. To the surprise of probably no one, thanks to at
least half its parentage, Baby Kane will likely be
constantly accidentally injuring the other children,
while all the while botching simple "spots" like
climbing onto a tricycle. Thankfully though, thanks to
Papa, Kane Jr. will be able to simply shrug off the pain
and continue his day of immobilizing the remaining
neighborhood children with his uncoordinated juvenile
offense....
Ric
Flair:
This was a
year of great exposure (umm, literally) for Slick
Ric , first with a best selling DVD and book followed up
by legal fallout of exposing “slick dick” to a
stewardess aboard 2002’s much ballyhooed “Flight from
Hell”. (And I thought I was the only one who did
this!).
Flair
also meets President Bush, which is ironic because if
certain rumors are true, Flair hasn’t met a “bush” he
didn’t like! Apparently the Nature Boy even got to ride
on Air Force one, but thankfully aboard THIS plane, he
managed to keep his pants
on.
And
finally, Ric draws much controversy when he makes
derogatory comments about both Mick Foley and Bret Hart,
first in his aforementioned book, then on many
interviews. Flair’s comments that perennial favorite
Mick Foley was a glorified stuntman is met with
criticism, where as his accusations that Bret Hart was a
mediocre wrestler sparks a huge debate as to whom was
*really* the better of the two. The sharpshooter or the
figure four? WCW’s best or WWF’s best? Limousine rides…
or rides on ten speed bicycles!? Maybe not that last
one.
Brock Lesnar: Brock Lesnar was
supposed to be the future of the WWE, but now, almost a
year later, he’s sitting at home, left with only a
plane, the discontinued number 69 jersey on his back,
and Sable. (I chose to list Sable
lower than the
plane because it has much fewer miles on
it…).
Brock started off the
year turning back the AWESOME challenge of Bob Holly,
who was still riding off the laurels of a HUGE 1995
Mantaur victory, then worked Goldberg in maybe the worst
match (yet most perversely amusing) in Wrestlemania
history. The crowd completely turned on both men as that
new fangled internet thingy Vince didn’t think mattered
leaked both their departures a week before the event.
THERE GOES THE
PAIN.
Brock then left WWE that same night in hopes of
making it in the NFL, despite not ever having any
football experience. Brock’s NFL hopes were well
documented (Even by me), but
eventually he was cut from the practice squad, but not
before The Vikings "initiated" him by apparently
good-naturedly gang-piling on him and pinning him
down. In prison, this is an event that usually scars one
for life. But in Football, it's apparently something to
be applauded. Whatever you
say.
Chris Benoit: Chris Benoit was
2004’s big success story. First “The Wolverine”
wins the Royal Rumble in convincing fashion, winning a
victory for Vanilla midgets everywhere! (although, I
always assumed the reason why Show held on so long in
there was because he truly believed he was made of
Vanilla and hoped to eventually consume him).
Benoit then follows that up with an AWESOME win at
Wrestlemania XX over HHH and HBK when he cleanly defeats
Triple H by making him tap out to the crossface. But no
worries. HHH still got all the spotlight. He just had to
find a new way to hold up his umm, Cerebral Pants for 6
months.
The
following month Benoit was honored in his hometown
of Atlanta GA.. Edmonton Alberta and
“Chris Benoit Day” was declared. We in the Carless
household celebrated the occasion unconventionally,
deciding to buck trends and simply have an evening of
quiet worship before celebrating "The Wolverine" with a
bountiful supper, devouring a special turkey with wings
two sizes too small in his honor.
Mordecai: Earlier this
year, vignettes began to appear on SmackDown promoting
the arrival of an insane religious zealot who
promised to destroy all sinners. And no, his name was
not George Bush. Mordecai eventually appeared, and chose
his first “sinner” to smite in... Scotty 2 Hotty? Whose
big “sin” was apparently having a fucking tired and
outdated gimmick. BURN IN HELL,
MOTHERFUCKER.
But
something funny happened when Mordecai appeared.
Something just didn’t look right. In fact, Mordy
looked less like an intimidating monster, and
more like Double J Jeff Jarrett circa 1994 (only
exchange “country music superstar” for umm, punisher of
wayward souls?).
Anyway, Mordecai just didn’t work out
quite the way Vince had planned, and as fast as he
arrived he was gone from the WWE. (RAPTURED?). It’s
too bad too, because one would think that Mordecai
just might have a wee bit of trouble
finding another line of work. I mean,
you try getting a regular 9 to 5 job when you
have “The Lord’s Avenging Angel” on your
resume.
Bret
Hart: There’s no doubt Bret’s had a bad streak of
luck in recent years. But finally, that’s all seemed to
changed for the Hitman. First he's re-married to a nice
Italian girl (whom if Ex-Julie is any
indication he'll likely fatten up, as opposed
to other way around for once.) And from there, he’s
seemingly moved on with his life, choosing to mend his
ailing heart in the one place he finally found
comfort: the magical and mystical world of the Djinn!
That’s right. Who has time to bring up bad memories of
Montreal when you’re practicing 6000 year old black
magic? And unlike when he left WWF the first time,
all he'll be doing is GIVING THE RUB. Because, you
see, that's how you get Genies out of the lamps and, umm
never mind.
But seriously, you can see Bret Hart
currently performing as “Genie” in the stage production
of “Aladdin” complete with a pair of Hammer-esque
balloon pants that he should have probably been
“excellently executed” for ever putting on. (No word on
whether he insisted on using the SAME 5
lines over and over again during the
play, though).
Highlights and
Lowlights:
2004 was a year of highs and lows in the world of
wrestling; Here’s what some of my colleagues thought of
the year that was and their highlights and
lowlights:
Justin Shapiro:
(Wrestling Observer) Well the best
moment is quite obviously Benoit at Wrestlemania,
winning and celebrating with Guerrero. But Guerrero at
No Way Out and Benoit at the Rumble were each almost as
great. And the fact that it happened three consecutive
months to end three consecutive PPVs is where the true
boneriffic value comes
from.
Personal lowlight has to be Layfield
winning the WWE title. Because it was so wrong and
so UNEXPECTED. Although I did expect SummerSlam to do
the exact opposite finish with HHH and UT celebrating in
the ring with the belts while everyone is
sad....
Dave Gagnon:
Highlight Of The Year: Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero,
both champions, hug as WMXX ends. It felt very real,
very emotional. A fitting end to what should be a
memorable show.
Lowlight Of The Year: Brock Lesnar
quits wrestling for the NFL. I was a huge Lesnar fan and
he was already really good for a young wrestler. Too bad
he went from one of the best wrestlers in North America
to a guy who didn't even made the practice roster in the
NFL
Harry Simon:
2004 Highlight: Benoit and Eddie
celebrating at WMXX. Two of the greatest workers ever
get a long-deserved push, capped off by winning two of
the best matches in WM history. I marked out like
nobody's business. For a moment, it looked like Vince
actually GOT IT. Six months later, we had HHH and JBL as
our champs, which leads us
to...
2004
Lowlight: HHH beats RKO for the belt. Just when it looks
like there's gonna be one star made this year, the
Captain Hazelwood of pro wrestling wrecks it and in
doing so, made Raw as difficult to sit through as
Smackdown.
Michael Melchor:
Let's see, what did I love AND hate about this
year? Both of those are
easy...
What I loved: was WrestleMania XX. The
show, top to bottom, had the feel of an EVENT - as well
it should since that's how it was designed. And
rather than highlight that EVENT with some old fart
cupping his hand to his ear, we got to see the passing
of the torch to 2 deserving stars that we now know
should turn out to be WWE Hall Of Famers once it's all
said and done.
What I hated: was
BOTH the Diva Search AND the new incarnation of "Tough
Enough" I've never liked "reality TV", nor will I
ever. So, why the hell am I having to sit through
it during
wrestling??
Dr. Gonzo:
highlight: The rise of Chris Benoit.
The push of Benoit was done so well that there was no
complaining against it. It had everything going for it
that made guessing an outcome at WM20 completely random.
Any outcome was viable and that is just great booking,
especially using the character of Triple H and his past
to book a brilliant match. They used the IWC's own
opinions to just build the Benoit victory up so well so
when it finally happened it was a HUGE markout moment.
Also, right up there is the Eddie Guerrero victory,
because seeing them in the ring at WM20 each with a
championship belt was absolutely
shocking.
Lowlight: Once again, after all the
options I could have chosen I once again go back to
Benoit and Guerrero. The lowlight to me was how their
rise to the top ended up simply as transitions. Eddie
and Benoit's victory's serve nothing now because they
pretty much have no chance of getting the belts back
anytime soon. And until they win the title's again,
they'll be nothing more than transitional champs. Does
that take away from their initial victories? I say until
they win it again, then
yes.
Remy:
(HTM.com)"There is no doubt that the
title runs of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit was the
best thing to happen to internet wrestling fans in just
about all of history, but definitely this
year."
"The worst thing about this past year
is that Jericho and Christian still haven't been pushed
the way they deserve to be, in my
opinion."
Richard Waters:
Highlight: For me it would easily be Benoit's win at
WrestleMania. In a time when kayfabe is dead and
everyone knows about politics, it was nice to have one
true mark out moment in wrestling.
Lowlight: JBL winning over Eddie. The guy has had
funny moments as a champ, but overall he is very boring.
I was willing to give him a chance, but it just bores me
to tears. Not that any SD! champ since the brand
extension started has captured my
interest...
Renee: Highlight:
Trish's heel turn - Best turn ever !!
Lowlight: Brock leaving the WWE
- Biggest low blow this year.
TolerancE:
(HTM.com) Highlight: Although I'm not a fan, I think
Benoit walking out of WrestleMania as the World Champion
is the highlight, he is simply too good not to have
gotten the chance to be recognized as a champion. He
made Stu Hart very proud!
Lowlight :WWE's decision to add yet more PPV's
to an already obese calendar of events. Gone are the
days when we could not wait the typical 1 to 3 months
between PPV's. Now there is basically one a
week!
Gadaffi
Duck:
Highlight - bye bye to the useless tossers
(A-Train, Gunn etc)
Lowlight - Search for some
Kleenex...er...divas
Cameron Burge:
Highlight of the Year: Eddie and
Benoit celebrating together at the end of Wrestlemania
was just one of those can't miss moments. The people had
been begging for these two for years and in a surreal
moments they stood together victorious. Simply
Awesome.
Lowlight: The return of the Outsiders at
TNA's first PPV had to be the single WORST idea ever,
and that's saying something in a year where we saw a
pregnancy angle, a retard wrestling, and The Diva
Search.
Canadian
Bacon:
Highlight: Great wrestlers like Mabel
finally come home to WWF!!!! The bar has just been
raised! A few more inches and it'll be off the ground
for sure!
Lowlight: Prolly the time I tried to
give myself a blowjob with my shopvac and turned my
urethra inside
out.
Quotable
Quotables.
The following is random out of
context quotes from various columns and rants of mine
during this
year:
-Lance Storm is in the ring and
finally disposes of the dancing gimmick, but
surprisingly makes no mention of "not really having a
gigantic penis" as WWE storylines had suggested. Can't
say I blame
him.
-Someone made mention to me that
Shelton bore a striking resemblance to "Bubba" from
Forrest Gump. I didn't think too much about it until
Steve Austin gave him a pep talk. Seriously,
"Bubba" buddying up with a redneck with heavy knee
braces? Could we be seeing the formation of our very
own version of the Bubba Gump shrimp company?
Shrimpin' ain't easy!
- (On Evolution) I heard they were
going to actually call themselves the Horsemen, but
Batista took it a little literally and figured
that'd mean HHH would shoot him with a shotgun and put
him out of his misery because he keeps getting injured
all the fucking
time.
-Ric Flair yells that he told The
Dudley's someone was going to get put through a table
tonight. Umm, obviously. That's kinda the whole
point of the match there, Naitch. That'd be like someone
saying after the Tour De France "I told you someone
would ride a bicycle here
tonight!".
-Blind Nidia gets involved,
tripping up Noble by *accident*. Damn you,
Nidia! This just proves once and for all that
you can never trust a blind person. I mean, look at that
Stevie Wonder. His eyes are all shifty all the time. You
can just tell he's up to something! Oh, that's a lack of
muscle control brought on by perpetual blindness? My
bad.
-The end of Los Guerreros. No more
lying, cheating and stealing. Ah, what a shame. Who'd
ever think a relationship built entirely on indulgences
and being a really horrible person could go so
wrong? What a head
scratcher.
-(on Chris Benoit's World Title
hopes) My theory on that has always been that the
company always wanted to put the belt on him,
but since he's physically unable to reach behind
his back with his arms to fasten the strap, it was
just awkward for everyone.
-(On Lesnar vs. Holly) For a guy so
terrified of a dude whose career highlights include
knowing the location of every strobe light on every
ceiling in every arena across the country, he opts to
STOP THIS BY GAWD TERROR with a... BEAR HUG? Seriously.
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR STALKING AND PLAGUING ME WITH
YOUR UNRELENTING REVENGE THAT I SHALL WRAP MY ARMS
AROUND YOU FOR 3 STRAIGHT MINUTES DOING
NOTHING, SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY
WRATH!".
-(On HHH & HBK's "Draw" in a
Last Man Standing match): Man, I wonder if this
also happens in other games between these two friends. I
can just imagine a spirited game of chess between
them, with each about to have checkmate, when
suddenly, they just look at each other and keel
over simultaneously. Stephanie then runs
out, clears the board quickly, calls it a
draw; they wake up, pin Rob Van Dam, and
everybody's
happy!
-Tajiri then unmasks Shinobi
after the match revealing him to in fact be Al Snow, as
I lower my head and deep down wish that
all unrelenting silent-assassins could be such good
father
figures.
-(On a terrible Divas
match) You know the Ric Flair analogy with the
broomstick? Well, this would be just like that, if you
took out Flair and put another broom in
there.
-Raw comes to us tonight from
Calgary, land of the Harts and the only place in the
world where cowboys have to shovel their driveways in
the winter
-Lillian
Garcia during Jericho's entrance announces him from
"WINNETOBA". Winnetoba? Wow, someone sure broke out the
big Atlas of imaginary places. However, for all you
Geography nuts out there, for the record, Winnetoba is
of course located between the provinces of "Halberta"
and "Blontario".
- It's good to see Gail Kim
still representing "Korea" as apparently the two
countries have put their differences aside long enough
and amalgamated for the sake of WWE hometown
continuity.
-After the match, Kane makes his way
to the ring, and corners Lita while JR spouts off like
this was the most reprehensible act in history. I find
it extremely ironic that when this particular bald guy
accosts a helpless woman, Ross finds it deplorable. Huh,
maybe Kane should move to Texas and take up beer
drinking?...
-Not to be outdone by the
return of classic Undertaker, Andre the Giant, too, will
be returning under his "deadman
gimmick".
-Tammy Sytch, the former Sunny
in the WWF, recently announced her *Retirement* from
Professional Wrestling. She cited the reason she could
no longer perform was that she tore her quad. However,
thankfully, this injury will not prevent her from
participating in her true passion-
EATING.
- I'm thinking that since Ric
Flair's been around for about 30 years, that we can go
ahead and call him "Nature Man"
now.
- Rikishi & Scotty 2
Hotty's popularity might be the only time I can remember
where people actually celebrate the combination of "ass"
and "worms" at the same
time.
-After the match Batista delivers a
spinebuster and a Demon-bomb as green begins to trickle
from Tajiri's mouth that I'll assume is just the "mist",
because if it isn't, man, I suggest transporting
him back to Romulus as fast as possible for medical
attention...
-(On Gail Kim, Nidia and
Jacqueline in a match) A black woman, a Hispanic and an
oriental all in one match? When did WWE get into
Affirmative Action? For the record though, if these
women offered me some "action" I'd definitely answer
"affirmative"...
-Shelton Benjamin then interrupts and
demands a shot at Randy's IC Title. Orton refuses
though, because "Shelton's kind are too uppity" and he
doesn't want to "soil the title". Man, it's hard to
believe that in this day and age, there's still so
much prejudice against amateur
wrestlers....
-Is it just me, or is Rock's
tattoo eating him alive? By this time next year, Rocky
should just be a pair of fucking eyes floating to
the
ring...
- Gail Kim works the
submissions here and Lita actually sells! I start to rub
my eyes in disbelief but forget I still have lotion on
them...uh never mind... But it stings...oh does it
sting.
-HHH comes out for the
inevitable ego fuck interview. He says that HBK is a
religious man, but he is not, and that he'll "See
HBK in Hell!!!"...Um, no he won't. I kind of thought
that was the whole point of
Christianity.
-Well, I guess we can file the
Grenier "babyface reaction" under fluke from last week.
Unfortunately, the only "face pops" he can now look
forward to will come from
Patterson...
-HBK does rally and seemingly
channels The Lord, returning from the dead here. Hey, I
wonder if he can turn water into wine too? If so, that
pretty much explains his friendship with Scott
Hall..
-Back in the ring, JR has
apparently decided that this rivalry between HHH and HBK
has gone on long enough. Hey, where were you two years
ago,
Jim?...
- (On Rhyno choosing Val Venis
as a tag team partner one week) And for the life of me,
I couldn’t figure out what a Rhino and porn star would
have in common….well, besides always penetrating people
with their
“horn.
-This was the hugest squash
since HHH let Steph ride missionary on his Wedding
night.
-Michael Cole makes mention
that Bradshaw is an "ass-kicker", although I think he
just does that to loosen it up for
later.
-They recap The Undertaker
"Ring" shtick from RAW with Kane. And 7 days have
passed, and Kane is still alive, so he must've made a
copy of that video. If not? Try A-Train, I heard he's a
movie
Buff!
-(On Rey Mysterio flirting with
women) Although in my experience, Women don't usually
take to the guys who approach them in masks. Maybe
I'm doing it
wrong.
-Haven't you ever notice that
whenever a wrestler buys a "ticket" to a PPV, that he
only shows up 3/4 through the show? It doesn't say too
much when your own paid employees can't stomach the full
three
hours..
-Eddie Guerrero comes out and
"shoots" on himself, saying that he is going take this
Title reign the same way he does his alcohol and drug
recovery, one day at a time. I commend you Eddie! In
fact, let us all drink a toast to Eddie
Guerrero!..
-WWE.com apparently forgot to
mention the real COUPS of the Draft...FiFi the poodle!,
who apparently has jumped ship along with Rene Dupree.
Well, maybe being accompanied by a sad emasculated
creature that prances and preens for a cruel master
reminds him of former running buddy Sylvain Grenier, who
knows?
-For the record, apparently
Bubba Ray's ridiculous tiny shorts were also
drafted. Dear god. If I wanted to see a grown
man try and squeeze into a pair of Children's pants, I'd
just hang out with Rob
Feinstein.
-Theodore Long approaches
Shannon Moore, Orlando Jordan and Spike Dudley. He says
that he's looking for a man with a perfect body and
cover-boy looks. Just then, I get the mental image
of Patterson yelling out, "Teddy, you can have him
when I'm
done!"
- (On Big Show chokeslamming
Kurt Angle off a stage) All that was missing from this
ridiculousness was the Wile E. Coyote dust cloud at the
bottom during the point of impact. We then see Angle in
a heap with blood trickling from the back of his head,
as Show yells "What a pussy! Kobo Hall was way higher
than this and I'm fine!" Ok, I made that part
up.
-I guess Booker T's done with
the Voodoo gimmick. It's really too bad, too, because I
was looking forward to the next Originals CD where he'd
cover the James Brown song "Papa Shango's got a brand
new
bag"...
-Taker's still sporting a
pretty decent tan for the record, which is usually not
that common with zombies. I mean you don't see Jason
Voorhees hit the tanning salons with any sort of
regularity, do
you?
-Backstage we get Todd Grisham
stopping Chris for a post-match interview where Benoit
says that he's for real, then goes into how he's for
real, before closing on how he's...umm, for real. So, to
bottom-line, Chris Benoit is for real and not just a
figment of your
imagination
-Ah, Vengeance. A dish best served cold. And
rumor has it once Triple H heard this, he said “Save
some of that for Steph…she’ll eat anything!”
-(On Steven Richards Vs. Tyson
Tomko) An angry skin head doing battle with a cross
dressing man? I think I saw this episode of Oz, thank
you.
-Good to see Shawn back after
the long road to recovery, that included a stop at the
Republican National Convention. Because let’s face it,
what’s really more important, nursing potential life
threatening injuries, or convincing a few misguided
souls to get out there and vote? Lesser men would just
die from hemorrhaging that much blood, but not
this man. He HAD no time for such frivolous things like
bleeding to death when there’s still so many undecided
voters! God bless this courageous
patriot.
-You know, I’m actually
convinced that the real reason HHH seems so desperate to
get his hands on the Belt again is because he thinks
there’s ten pounds of chocolate under the gold
foil.
-What you have here is the
classic battle of Eddie’s lying, cheating and stealing
Vs. Luther’s lying…..on the ground bleeding to death? I
mean, according to WWE, Reigns was shot, stabbed and
even had his throat cut….Geez, how tough is it in
OVW?....
-We then hear Cole once again
insist that Show’s HAIRCUT was “raping his dignity”.
Note to Supercuts employees, if you see a seven footer
approaching the store, LOCK THE DOOR. Last thing you
need is stigma of RAPIST following you
around...
-By now you all know that
Suzuki was to debut as Hirohito, but the whole
thing was scrapped when someone realized creating a
character to gain some good ole fashioned WRESTLING
REVENGE against America for that whole "Hiroshima thing"
might in be in poor taste. Go figure. Although, part of
me is saddened by this. I mean, I can't be the only one
who'd laugh when whomever was feuding with Hirohito
would bring in ADAM BOMB to finally end the rivalry, can
I?
-Paul Heyman is seen backstage,
cutting a promo on a bound and gagged Paul Bearer. He
tells Paul that tonight he'll be suffocated in cement
whether Undertaker does the right thing or not. It's
funny, but after screwing over so
many money lenders in ECW, I always assumed
that it would be Heyman that would one
day end up encased in cement, if you catch my
drift.
-Undertaker & his...Mortician
"shoot-fighting" gloves? Not the fine touch you'd think
an embalmer would need, but what do I know? I mean, who
knows when Royce Gracie might be hiding in the
mortuary ala Kato in the Pink Panther movies, and
Taker will need to throw down! Clearly, I've thought
this through too
much.
-I have to say that John Cena
must have the best doctor in the world (or somewhere
along the lines he was able to drink from the cup of
Christ) to come back this fast from being STABBED and
“almost losing a KIDNEY” as Cole pointed out. And
all with no VISIBLE SCARS to boot. Man, he must
have the same surgeon that treated Kane's burns! It all
makes sense now! And wait. Wasn’t Luther also
stabbed once? Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this
proves to me is how much of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody
must have been to DIE from these same injuries!
Haha.
