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Back-Leg Frontkick: 04/15/05: In This WARRIOR-SIZED
Edition, We Look At WWE Hirings; WWE Firings; Fat Girls Crying; Searching For Divas; Bischoff's Naked Wife; A New
Satire; And WARRIOR Wants To End My Life. (Well Sorta). All This Plus Much More!!
 Hello again, and welcome to the column that’s a lot like getting head from a woman who uses too much teeth: It’s
very painful to get through, but I’ll be damned if it’s not worth it in the end, The Back-Leg Frontkick!
Anyway, as I write this, I’m doubled over in immense pain and barely
able to remain conscious. The culprit of my condition is a Triple cheeseburger from Wendy’s. But it gets worse. See,
while at Wendy’s, I found out that for an additional 99 cents, I could add ANOTHER paddy to this already hulking sandwich.
However, not just satisfied with eating more beef than the average human being consumes in one calendar year, I was dared
to see how far I could take this thing, and DEMANDED 3 additional paddies; if only for the folktales it would create amongst
the staff (I actually insisted on four, but the girl behind the counter insisted that it was physically…and morally
impossible.).
With my manhood at stake, (and secretly out under the table. Shhhh) I
devoured the entire Frankenstein hamburger, that in sheer bulk, kind of resembled that fucking giant metal Mayor
McCheese cage from the McDonalds play-land of my youth. Soon, I found the staff cheering me on, well, except for the one cute
girl who brought me my “Biggie drink”… who I noticed was increasingly repulsed as I dribbled a combination
of hot cheese and synthetic mayonnaise all over my styling Calvin & Hobbes T-shirt, in one big, perverse spectacle.
Anyway, I wiped my face clean with a napkin
that suspiciously resembled toilet paper (fucking Wendy’s!) and
exited the establishment, anticipating the worst, but surprisingly,
I felt no ill-effects. UNTIL
NOW. See, as I’ve typed this, I’ve found myself slipping more
and more into the realms of insanity (or as warrior calls it?
umm, every day?) as the poisons begin to race through my body,
and the beef hallucinations take hold. At one point, I could have
sworn I saw deceased songmeister Jim Morrison clung outside my
window. He truly is the Lizard King. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
Anyhoo, I shall move on, and attempt to finish this column, despite
the fact that I now have more meat inside my abdomen than a
Porno with Ron Jeremy. And yes, I just wanted to make that joke.
WARRIORGATE!
This
just in. Warrior hates Sean Carless.
 I’m
saddened to hear this, but if you had told me some 15 years
ago, that Warrior would like to crush me beneath his glorious
fringed boot, I’d ask where I could sign up, and beg for a big
splash as well. For me, it would have been an honor to be savagely
murdered by the then WWF champion. Sadly, though, now a days I just
don’t have the time to be smited…
Anyway, in case you’re scratching your head,
asking yourself, “What the fuck is he talking about?” I’ll fill you
in. You see, a little over a week ago, at a University lecture, that
evening’s speaker, The Ultimate Warrior, or “Warrior” as it says on
his driver’s license, apparently offended some of the students, with
what was described as “racist” and “homophobic” comments, including
the now infamous “Queering doesn’t make the world work.”
(Listen
here).
From
there, I took it upon myself to do what I do best, and jump on the
hilarity of the situation before all the other site’s had a chance
to feed off Warrior’s corpse. I whipped up a little something for
Honky Tonk Man’s site, as I giggled to myself like a retarded
schoolgirl at the prospect that Warrior addressed the young
Republicans in full gear, (you know, the trunks, the makeup, the
armbands) complete with snorting, pressing to the heavens and
leaving the speech, sprinting from the building to the bass of his
WWF theme song. Anyhoo, I came up with a fluff
piece, and thought nothing of it, as to be honest, compared to A LOT
of people out there, I felt I was relatively easy on the
controversy, as I instead chose to jokingly explain why Warrior would make
such comments. Anyway, rather than explaining it further, you can
read it here;
So, anyway, I
posted it, thinking all was right with the world, and the next
morning I have this waiting in my email inbox: (also in my personal
email address as well….someone can use WHOIS!).
“Mr. Carless,
I am both Business Affairs Director and
Communications Director for Warrior.
He is
cc'ed on this email, so that you will know that I speak with his
full authority.
In
as much as I am currently handling several different projects for
Warrior
right now, we simply don't
have a lot of time to deal with you - so this is
going to be short and sweet.
A fan recently emailed
me with a link to your April 7 commentary on the HTM
website. As you are aware, you went too
far. It's apparent from your past
entries on the site that you have some sort of
problem with Warrior.
Frankly, we
don't care. What we DO care about, however, is when someone
steps over the line in gratuitously
insulting Warrior - even if that person
is
as relatively inconsequential and unsuccessful as yourself.
Your column
(and that's using the term
quite loosely) goes way beyond the bounds of
propriety. It must be taken down
IMMEDIATELY.
We
have no problem with people who want to intelligently and rationally
take
issue with something that Warrior says
or writes. You have that right.
However, you do NOT have a right to portray
Warrior as a homosexual - even
if it's done
under the banner of satire. You have no right to use Warrior's
image. You do not have a moral right
to attack Warrior for things that you
"heard" or "read" that he said - you need to
make sure you have all the
facts before you
issue judgment. Last, but not least, if you are going to
essentially call another man out (which is what
your article amounts to),
you need to be
prepared to accept the consequences of your actions.
In closing, I am not
going to debate this with you - nor will Warrior. I am
making this one-time request/demand/suggestion
that you immediately remove
that column -
and do your damndest to forget about Warrior entirely.
What happens from here
is up to you.
Sincerely,
Chris
Lewis
Director of Business Affairs
Director of Communications
Ultimate Creations, Inc.”
I
guess I won’t be getting a Christmas card from Warrior this year.
And by the by, “Damndest” isn’t a real word. (but considering who
his boss is, it is kind of par for the course.) But seriously, I can’t forget Warrior! Warrior
himself always insists that we “always believe” and how dare you
take that away from me Chris Lewis, Director of directing Warriors
and communications and Warriors…or something! Seriously though,
Warrior is a public figure and he can be parodied as such. I have
that right. Look it up. Public figures can be satired without fear
of libel (even though I made no direct libelous comments). Still,
though, I can just imagine the reaction, especially after seeing the
silly “Captain Faggo” pic “Oh, you
fucker! How dare you sully the good name of…umm, Warrior!” .
Anyway, truth be
told, had “Mr. Lewis” emailed me and mentioned nicely that Warrior
was offended by my column, I probably would have removed it. I’m not
an asshole….Ok, I am, but I still would have. Because frankly, I
would have became so wrought with guilt, as I pictured Warrior
sitting there reading my column, his mascara running as he shed one
tear ala the recycling Indian, at the thought of one of his LITTLE
WARRIORS stabbing him in his barndoor back. After all, I remember
rubbing it everyone’s face in 1990 that Warrior beat Hogan, and even
drew a picture in art class of Warrior holding The Hulkster’s
severed head, Medusa-style as a trophy. And now I had betrayed him.
I’m worse than that Rick Rude who stole his IC belt in a shady and
underhanded fashion! Damn that Sean Carless to Hell! That betrayer
of Warriors and committer of other wrestling travesties too horrible
to be mentioned! (I once fucked a girl with a rolled up PWI. Ok, I
never did that, but I always wanted to.).
Anyway, the claws
were indeed out, and Mr. Director went for the jugular. Chris Lewis
called me INCONSEQUENTIAL and UNSUCCESSFUL. Hey, perhaps Chris Lewis
truly is my father in disguise? Sounds like something he might
say….
Anyway, the email
deeply affected me, and I was so
intimidated that I could barely have the most comfortable sleep I’ve
ever had in my life. Haha, but why should I be? I’ll save Warrior
the court costs of suing me, and just give him all my possessions,
which for the record include my computer, 2/3rds of pornstress
Chasey Lain’s classic “White Wedding,” and a mustard stained Big
Show “Big All Over” T-shirt (which unfortunately describes my
physique these days and not my endowments…). All this is yours for
the taking Warrior!
So, anyway, there
I was, not caring, and getting on with my life, when my friend
Barbwire Mike from Lethal Wrestling drops this link.
Apparently, Mr. Lewis was making the rounds faster than Lita in the
EMLL locker room, spreading Warrior wrath all over the internet,
including to the hilarious parody site “Something Awful”, which was
attacked by Lewis with the ferocity of a thunderous Warrior shoulder
tackle. Soon Lewis began submitting email after email to its
webmaster Lowtax, ranging from legal threats to out and out
stalking. (He apparently called the guy’s father, made some strange
comments about Lowtax’s physical appearance, and even threatened to
dispatch Warrior to settle things with “fisticuffs.” ... and NOT a
super posedown, which I found disappointing.).
Soon, I began to
panic, as I was actually the first
"offender" online, and soon I was picturing Warrior running across
the country, in search of me, no doubt having a gorilla slam with my
name all over it! (but not before sitting me down to
explain the mutual benefits of a nation-wide flat tax.
).
Anyway, I became
absolutely paranoid, expecting Warrior to show up anytime,
launching himself through my den window before pulverizing me while
I awkwardly stood for upwards of 30 seconds on the spot, for a
not-at-all telegraphed flying tackle. Freaked out, I even covered
all the mirrors in my house with newspaper in the case that Warrior
utilized the same tactics that horrified Hollywood Hogan going into
Halloween Havoc’98. I mean, if WCW wasn’t lying to us, (and I have
no reason to believe they would) Warrior possesses the SUPERNATURAL
ability to materialize in mirrors! I mean, I could be combing my
hair, and BAM! There would be Warrior, reaching from an alternate
plane, and throttling me with his mighty hands… the SAME hands that
snapped Hercules’ chain like it was…umm, a gimmicked detachable chain! I don’t
want none of that.
Anyway, several
days have passed, and I just feel lucky that I live in Canada, and
thus Warrior at Mr. Lewis' bequest probably won't bother killing me.
And you know, it’s probably for the best; because Warrior would find
that dealing with the harsh Canadian Winters, housed in only a
snug pair of neon underoos, would likely be A LOT
more devastating than the 7 consecutive flying Randy Savage
elbows he received at WrestleMania VII. But you can never be too
careful, me thinks. In the event that he does arrive, luckily, I’ve
trained myself to artfully duck clotheslines, and if things really
get hairy, I do have Papa Shango on speed-dial….
But seriously,
this whole thing sure got weird, and weird fast. In fact, I just
learned from my friend Ryan Smith (HTM’s webmaster) that Warrior has
since contacted Honky, because Warrior is amidst creating a DVD
that he’d like Honky to
participate in, and well, my little column had the potential to
cause a little snafu. But it’s all good, because I've
heard from my sources (Ok, I just wanted sound like I’m a real
journalist) that *allegedly* (take it for what's its
worth), Warrior’s people, in a good will gesture, have
offered a sum of money upfront. So that's where that stands.
And I'm happy for everybody! Good for Honky! A Brutha’s gots to get
paid.
And good for Warrior! A Brutha’s gots to make a DVD. And Good
for Chris Lewis! A Brutha’s gots to stalk people and direct
things of a warrior nature. And Good for me! Ok, not good for me.
I’m still inconsequential and unsuccessful, apparently… but I am a
great kisser. I’ll always have that.
WARRIAH.
HEADLINES:
Hey!
There’s a lot of stuff happening this week in wrestling! Let’s talk
about it!
PLEASE RELEASE
ME…
Man,
I haven’t seen this much shit dropped all at once since my
grandfather’s colonoctomy! Ok, none of them are shit. In fact
they’re all pretty much awesome. I feel terrible now, but damn it, I
really wanted to make that joke. Why couldn’t Jindrak have been on
this list? At least I could have felt good about it…
Anyway, to get to the meat and potatoes here,
WWE released and/or accepted the resignation of A LOT of talent this
week; and I thought we’d go through them one by one, so I can give
my two cents (and in all likelihood make some tastelessly regretful
jokes.).
GORING, GORING,
GONE!
 Rhyno
was released last week by WWE, apparently stemming from an incident
that took place at the Universal Sheraton hotel, the night of
Wrestlemania. Apparently, Rhyno was said to get into heated argument
with his estranged wife, before destroying a flower pot. Eventually
the scuffle was broken up by Tommy Dreamer. It is also being said
that the reason for him being so distraught, is over custody
issues with his daughter, and he was also heard saying
that he didn’t know if he wanted to live anymore.
(And who said he couldn’t cut a believable promo? Ah, I kid…).
Wow.
Broken furniture, an angry man-beast, a terrified woman, and Tommy
Dreamer with the save? Fuck, they should have just caught this shit
on film, charged us 30 bucks and called it the ECW pay-per-view!
Good luck following that act.
All
kidding aside, it’s a shame, because I always liked Rhyno. But if
you believe the dirt-sheets, WWE didn’t all that much. You know the
usual suspects, “No character depth", "no charisma", yada, yada,
yada; you know, despite the fact
that they have THE GUY who once got him OVER on payroll. Anyway,
the official reason for his release being cited is this
Wrestlemania XXI Hotel debacle, but come on, let’s be honest, there
isn’t exactly an even playing field here. I mean, I know it’s nice
to wrap this whole thing up into one little neat explainable
package, and hope Rhyno doesn't spear it, but come on, if this
was a Randy Orton or a John Cena, or any marketable talent, do you
think they’d be canned? It’s all about the money, baby, and they
just needed an excuse to terminate Rhyno. Or put him down. Or
whatever you do to man-beasts when they're of no use
anymore. After all, quite a few people got the axe this week
anyway, to make way for… well, I’ll get into that in a minute. But
seriously, best of luck to Rhyno. Or whatever stupid name TNA
saddles him with. Considering his drinking past, I'd suggest WHYNO.
But hey, if it HAS to be an animal, I'm hoping for Duck-billed
Platypus. Mostly to see how the fuck they'd even market
it.
What Would Jesus
Do?
Apparently he’d get fired. God's
gonna be pissed. It ain't smiting a city full of assfuckers (not San
Francisco), but it's close. Aaron “Jesus” Aguilera, best
known for his role as Carlito Caribbean Cool’s bodyguard, was
released this week, and amidst his neck rehab to boot. Oh, man. That
Jesus never uses his healing powers on himself! What
gives! Seriously though, you've
gotta love the WWE these days.
They don’t even wait for the body to get cold, in a hidden tomb
covered by a giant boulder, before they get rid of it. I mean,
this isn’t the first time they’ve canned a guy who was still
recovering from an injury suffered in their ring. You can go ahead
and ask Test how this feels…well, if you can find him or understand
his Canadian butchery of the English
language.
Anyway, the only good thing to come out this
deal is that Jesus at least got to bill the company for his surgery.
Although, part of me wondered why they couldn't keep a guy with
the ability to reanimate the dead around. They'd have saved a TON of
money during that Owen trial. Oh, it’s pronounced “Hey-Zeus”,
you say. Ok, I stand corrected. (I thought so. The banana colored
nipple-high pants didn’t seem like something the risen Christ would
wear anyway).
Everybody’s
Favorite Homeboy! ...Well, Except WWE’s…
Chilly Willy a.k.a. Will Jones was released
from his WWE developmental deal. Chilly is best known for his short
stint in ECW, where he was dubbed “everybody’s favorite homeboy”,
yet, did not get over due to the fact that he was no one's
favorite anything, and was named after a fucking cartoon
penguin. Go figure. (and how many penguins do they have in the ‘hood
anyway?). Willy then apparently joined the military, and served his
country valiantly in the War on Iraq, before ending up with a
developmental deal with the WWE, and wrestling in OVW awaiting his
big call up. And you know what? Considering wrestling's death track
record, motherfucker was probably better off dodging bullets in ther
desert.
But
hey! I thought Vince supported the troops?! First he punishes them
on Christmas by forcing them to sit through a Heidenreich match, now
he cans a veteran before poor Chilly can even shake off his Gulf War
syndrome? That’s cold. Or Chilly. Whatever.
VEEEE GONE-AH!
 And
perhaps the most shocking, Matt Hardy was released this week. And
overweight girls across the country expressed their grief by
bawling there eyes out, then writing sensitive emo-poetry. It was
horrible.
But
seriously, of all these releases, why Matt? Surely there was an
upside to V1? (as opposed to his Ex, Lita who should be
rechristened “VD”).
It
wasn’t too long ago that Matt seemingly had the world at his purple
pajama covered feet. He had escaped his brother’s flailing
drug-addled shadow, he had a great, unique gimmick, and
he could hear really cool Fishman stories anytime he wanted.
The world was indeed his oyster. Or diseased clam as it were in
honor of Lita. Then, he did the unpardonable. HE ADMITTED
THE INTERNET WRESTLING COMMUNITY REALLY EXISTED. Almost immediately,
his WWE Mattitude site was retooled and the commentary in question
erased from existence like it was Randy Savage or something. Ohhh
Nooo. Then, he revealed some real-life dirty laundry on his
PERSONAL website, that exposed that Lita had been getting schooled
in some “Sexual Edge-u-cation.” (Ok, I have nothing, sue me.) .
Anyway, people have since cried that “Matt should have kept his mouth shut!”
Well, why? It’s his fucking life. Only in today’s world could we
vilify the victim in this whole deal. Even if that victim always
insists on telling us tedious details on what his favorite
color is, and how he likes his breakfast. However, WWE has
never been one to take any sort of scandal going public with
anything other than complete intolerance. A guy like Garvin or
Phillips could use a ringboy as a cock puppet, so long as it was
kept under wraps. But if your secret EVER got out, well, you’d
disappear faster than Fiddy in a Saloon.
In
any event, I really like Matt. He seems like great, grounded, down
to earth guy with terrible taste in pants. And I wish him the best.
Unfortunately, his only North American option seems at this point to
be TNA; and although I’d actually be intrigued to see a Hardy Boyz
Vs. AMW Tag match, part of me fears that he’d just be another job
boy for Jeff Jarrett and not have his charisma utilized. And
besides, his whole gimmick wouldn’t make sense in Hillbilly world.
Do rednecks even have computers? Somehow, his intro over a
fucking CB radio just doesn’t seem as impressive…
Bearer Of Bad
News
William Moody, better known to fans as Paul
Bearer has been released from his WWE contract.
HOW IS
THAT POSSIBLE WHEN HE CLEARLY DIED AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH?! HOW
DO YOU RELEASE A MAN WHO HAS SINCE PERISHED TRAGICALLY AND NOT AT
ALL IN A RIDICULOUSLY CARTOONISH FASHION? HE WAS CLEARLY SHOWN,
DROWNED IN CEMENT. MAYBE THEY JUST RELEASED HIM FROM HIS CONCRETE
CRYPT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS FAMILY, UMM, KANE AND NO ONE
ELSE.
I saw
it with my own eyes. I want my money back…
Molly Go Round…
You Know,
As In Out The Door.
And
finally, Molly Holly gave her notice to the company this week;
although a lot of people speculated that she too was fired, but
apparently it was her that asked
for the release. Allegedly, the reason being given is that it
was in lieu of the impending “RAW DIVA SEARCH 2”, and if this is
true, I can’t say I blame her. I mean, why should she bust her ass
(and that’s A LOT of busting) for probably half the money the “Diva
search winner” will get, and of course have to put her life in the
hands of these untrained silicone train-wrecks?
But
seriously, with Molly gone, it leaves a gigantic hole in the women’s
division. (ironically enough, soon to be filled by a slew of women
known for their gigantic holes.). I’ve always said, that to me,
Trish Stratus was The Rock of the Divas, and if that’s the case,
then Molly was clearly the Chris Benoit. Only with a glorious round
ass, and arms longer than a number 2 pencil. You know, someone
who despite lacking certain flash, managed to always be credible and
respectable between the ropes. I always thought highly of Molly, and
thought her character was a breath of fresh air. Mostly because it
was nice to know that there wasn't any disproportioned
rassler genitals ruining her. She's still mint, baby. I
also liked the fact that for such a wholesome girl, she finished her
opposition by basically hurling herself crotch first into someone’s
face. For two years, I’ve been trying to teach my girlfriend the
same trick, but unfortunately she keeps hitting her head on the
ceiling fan. She has terrible workrate. But she’ll get it
eventually, though. This I’m sure.
Anyway, I was talking to TWF's own Jason
Hart about her options, and besides maybe Japan, we agreed that
ROH might be a neat option. And besides, at least she won’t have to
worry about being sexually harassed there!
Ahem.
RAW IS WHORE
And
now, here we have the apparent culprit of these cuts: The 2nd RAW DIVAS SEARCH~! I mean, seriously.
The last time we saw this many cuts in one week, it was followed by
hiring a parade of the previous Diva search rejects, who even some 6
months later, serve no purpose and still have no discernable
character whatsoever. (well, except for Amy Weber, but Randy Orton
took care of that.).
And speaking of
Orton, isn’t it a bit of a coincidence that he was told to have
surgery the same week they announce a new Divas search? Haha, I
guess they learned their lesson with the last few RKOdors coming
from *certain* divas gym bags.
But, seriously,
what’s the fucking point of carting this shit out again?
Especially after it was clearly the worst idea they had last year. I
mean, even The Rock, with all his charisma, basically threw his
people's hands up and admitted that it was impossible to make
this thing entertaining. THE FUCKING ROCK. And therein lies the
irony. Only in the WWE, could they take a “can’t miss” idea like
attractive women parading around half naked….and make it unbearable
to watch. Do you ever get the feeling that WWE watches a
different product than we do? I mean, how can they justify putting
another one of these on? I’d accept the previous explanation that
the diva castoffs were hired for significantly cheaper than what the
wrestling divas were paid; but now, they have about 10 or so of
these women running around- with nothing
to do, bar be special friends to one the Big Show. I understand
that their ultimate goal is to package the winner as a Playboy
centerfold, but let’s be honest, there’s no way that they can expect
to collect the same type of money and interest that other divas have
garnered. I mean, the apparent appeal of seeing a Torrie Wilson
naked is the fact that she teased for so long, and as such,
fans got into her character and paid through the nose (penis?) to
see her layout. The “Diva Search” winner in all likelihood won’t
have the same appeal. Fucking WWE. Next thing you know, they'll have
a training ground that attempts to create a myriad of
completely identical wrestlers! Oh.
Anyway, despite
the fact that even a mongoloid could tell you that WWE’s intention
is ultimately stripping these women naked and snapping pictures of
them (my own personal goals as it pertains to the opposite sex. Six
more months until parole~!), here’s some snippets of their
actual press release:
Pictures
must be jpeg format
* 300 x 400 pixels
* A resolution of 72 dots per inch.
* Current photographs, at least one full,
true-to-life head shot and at least one full, true-to-life
head-to-toe body shot. No one other than the applicant may appear in
the photographs. Applications that include photographs depicting
nudity will be
disqualified.
That’s hilarious.
They’ll disqualify you for submitting nude pictures, but ultimately
you’ll be expected to be photographed wearing nothing but the
invisible shame left by Johnny Ace, for Playboy. Makes
sense.
From there, this
SURPRISING~! tidbit came out:
"This is for a DIVASPOT, which entails: acting,
being woven into storylines, conveying beauty, but not necessarily
ever needing to wrestle..."
(WWE also is not allowing people from Hawaii or
Alaska to enter. Transsexuals are also not allowed.).
Well, that’s just
the icing on the cake. That’s a pretty nice little message they’re
sending out there. We’ll pay you more than half of the roster, and
you won’t really have to do any work. I've been looking for a job
like this FOR YEARS. If it wasn't for that no cock thing, I'd give 'er a shot. And
speaking of which, I had to
laugh at the 'no transsexuals' line. Obviously they’ve
enforced that whole crazy ‘no penises in the women’s locker
room’ rule since Chyna was let go a few years ago. Good for them.
So, ya, that's what's going on with the Diva
Search (or Muff Enough as I like to call it) in a nutshell. And not the one that most of
these ladies will be able to pull from a Police lineup in a few
months. All I know is, I loathe this entire contest and
everything it stands for. So much so, that when I'm vigorously
masturbating to it, I think really angry thoughts. That's how angry
it makes me, you see. Umm, ya.
Remember The Name Of … GOLD
CLUB.
Read
this on a message board; it made me laugh:
"Eric Bischoff's
wife is featured in Playboy this month as part of the "Real Life
Desperate Housewives" section. She is definitely a looker for those
of you whom have never seen her before."
I
wonder how much airbrushing it took to remove Easy E. jerking off in
the corner of the pic as the photographer fucked his
wife?
And that’s all I have to say about that. If you ever heard
about Atlanta’s Gold
Club fiasco, you’ll
know exactly what I’m talking about.
VOTE
WARRIOR IN 2008!
The Following is
paid for by the Friends and Supporters of
Warrior:
The last four
years have been a test of our national leadership, and only one
person has passed that test: WARRIOR. It’s
time for a change, folks, and WARRIOR MAN is the person to reunite
this One Warrior Nation, and make a big splash(~!) in the political
ring, like only he can.
 Warrior is clearly the sane
choice for a new conservative regime, with ideas that we’ll assume
are groundbreaking…if only we understood what he was saying. See,
many can make promises, but only WARRIOR can deliver the goods, with
strength of character that can only come through pressing some 3000
people over his head.
Warrior is
a man of principles. Warrior is man of great beliefs. A BELIEF that
the children are our future. A BELIEF that together WE can bring
this great country back to prominence. And a BELIEF that pants are
highly overrated. You see, WARRIOR is a man of the people, but not
afraid to admit that he puts on his tiny Speedos one leg at a
time, just like you and me.
 Warrior recently threw his hat
(actually it was frilly boots) into the ring for PRESIDENT of these
United States; shocking the world, and promising to bring this
country back to the responsible conservative ideals of his own home
world.
See, folks,
WARRIOR has a PLAN. And that plan involves legally changing his name
to “MR. PRESIDENT.”
See, this
ploy paid dividends for Warrior-man back in the early 90’s in a
dispute with the WWF over the ownership of his identity; and much
like it did then, surely, with legal ownership of the moniker of
“Mr. President”, the government will have NO CHOICE but to accept
him as our new leader. It’s this type of free thinking that makes
WARRIOR the only logical choice for the
highest office.
With
WARRIOR (and VP candidate and O.W.N. Disciple, Brutus Beefcake)
making waves, the Democrats are running scared, forcing frontrunner
Al Gore to choose wrestler RHYNO as his potential running-mate, in a
fleeting attempt to match the Intensity of WARRIOR. However, we’re
not buying it. This is but a ploy by those “Stinky liberals”, and
WARRIOR thus far hasn’t shown the slightest bit of fear in the
GORE/Gore! camp.
Well, now
that you know his intentions, let us take a closer look at his
politics:
Warrior on President
Bush: When
asked to give his opinion on “Bush”, Warrior responded with this: “A Warrior has no such time for
sexual improprieties, when there are so many liberals, turncoats,
and voodoo priests corrupting the minds of my little warriors!
However, if you must know, for hygiene reasons, Warriah prefers a
neatly trimmed pubic area, and not a full thatch.”
Upon
learning that we actually meant “President Bush”, WARRIOR went on to
tell a humorous story of how one time while waiting to make a
surprise entrance from beneath the stage at the Republican National
convention, current VP and general prankster, Dick Cheney shit in a
pail and placed it beneath Warrior’s “hiding spot.” “Man, I haven’t puked that much since the time
Papa Shango stole my tassle armbands and saddled me with an ancient
Voodoo curse!” said WARRIOR. Warrior
then went on to declare how much he loves, and can’t seem to get
enough Dick. (Cheney)
Warrior’s VP:
Brutus Beefcake: The
one time “Disciple” of Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the
oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the
SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his career breathed
new life! So much so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely
and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior for setting
Brother Bruti down the right path! The Path of Destrucity!
Brutus, a
definite humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free haircuts
for some 18 years) recently did his part in the “war on terror” when
he retrieved a duffle bag filled with what was believed to be
Anthrax, and selflessly destroyed
it... by consuming all the contents. You just can’t get that type of
dedication in other politicians!
Warrior on the Foreign Affairs: WARRIOR is
man who has seen it all. He bore witness firsthand to the final fall
of Soviet Communism (at Wrestlemania 6 at the hands of the Hart
Foundation) and knows all too well the horrors of the struggles in
the Gulf. See, it was WARRIOR himself who was victimized by the HEARTLESS Saddam Hussein
regime when the former Iraqi dictator plotted to steal his WWF Title
in 1991; a plot that actually came to fruition one cold January
night some 14 years ago. This TRAGEDY hardened the Warrior’s resolve
however, and now the face-painted ruffian has vowed to do whatever
it takes to stop tyranny, including our next potential great enemy:
MEXICO.
Warrior on
Homosexuality! – WARRIOR
is a staunch believer that “Queering don’t make the world work”...
but agrees that it’s pretty much what makes some people’s
pushes to the top of the card a reality.
WARRIOR
however has had some success in
CONVERTING stray homosexuals back to the side of Heterosexuality.
In 1996, he vowed to “make a man out of Goldust” and proceeded to
batter the golden one until all thoughts of ass-play were abolished
from his mind. Some six months later, Goldust would finally renounce
his homosexuality, and go on to have a completely meaningless
quasi-midcard run. Thanks Warrior!
See,
WARRIOR knows that it’s hard to suppress your burgeoning homosexual
emotions; however, WARRIOR has come up with the Ultimate Solution to
your problems! The WARRIOR WORKOUT! See, you’ll hardly have time to
think unclean thoughts anymore when you’re immersed in the
completely heterosexual world of professional body building! You’ll
find out the hard way, that it’s all but impossible
to think gay thoughts with all those oily musclemen squatting and
lifting around you! Consider it the WARRIOR CHALLENGE!
Warrior on Abortions: - WARRIOR has seen
the horrors of abortion firsthand. Particularly in his feud with
Andre The Giant in 1989, where there was seemingly an abortion
happening on a nightly basis. Although some feel it’s a wrestler’s right to choose (to have a horrendous match)
WARRIOR passionately feels that it’s immoral. And with WARRIOR’s
help, we’ll put an end to ALL slow moving, plodding matches for
good.
WARRIOR on
the Economy: WARRIOR has no opinion. He has no concept of
selling of any kind.
Warrior on
the Patriot Act: Although he’s never met The Patriot, he
feels that Del Wilkes did an admirable job with his character. Although, he knocks him for his limited
moveset, and constant reliance of the clothesline…
Warrior on
immigration: – Immigrants illegally entering our fair land
has long been a sore spot for WARRIOR. And when elected, WARRIOR has
GUARANTEED to do something about it! WARRIOR will introduce
“Proposition Warrior” to congress that will see WARRIOR himself
patrol the borders and press slam any and all trespassers back into
their own country. Many in WARRIOR’s campaign have suggested putting
up a wall dividing the border, but WARRIOR would only compromise
with ropes. And WHO I ask would be FOOLISH enough to mess with
WARRIOR that close to ROPES?.... which as we all know is the source
of his power.
So, in
closing, if you want four more years
of hollow promises, high deficits, and fully funded social programs,
by all means vote the “competition.” But if you want a Politician
who’ll get RESULTS, by all means choose WARRIOR. It’s your ULTIMATE
responsibility. And remember, Queering may not make the world work,
but Warrior will work for YOU. (Unless you're gay, Mexican, a woman,
a liberal, or any combination of the
four.).
VOTE WARRIOR IN
2008!
Ok folks,
that's it for this week. Take care. I'll see you soon (unless I'm press
slammed into oblivion). He should be here any minute! It after
all was a nice day for a run in
Scottsdale...
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man
of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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