How The Divas May Have Broke The 7th Seal
Of The Apocalypse, And Hunter Won't Put Over The
Animal Kingdom Either; All This, Plus Much More!
That's right, I am once again back to
dispense my particular brand of wrestling vigilante
justice --non-violent, cowardly, just hide and yell
things from a completely safe distance, vigilante
justice-- so, brace yourselves, and put on your
lobster bibs, because this could get
messy.
That being said, I just
feel like rambling like an idiot this week,
with no direction, and because my brain is
overflowing with wrestling related diarrhea, that like
the unfortunate vile liquid of the same name, just needs
to be purged for the betterment of the asshole. (*Fun
Fact: YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE!).
So, if you expected a
deep, insightful soliloquy on how the WWE can be turned
around, I'm sorry to break this to you, but I'm not your
man. But I can be. For the right price. I'm a
total whore.
REALITY
CHECK!
It's official, I'm
hooked on Joe Schmo, and by the mail I received last
week, I'm guessing some of you are as well. And by mail
I mean both of you. If you read last week's column,
and how dare you not, since it's jam-packed with STUFF,
some of which is coherent, you'd also know
of my disdain for The Mullets; so imagine my
surprise when one of my readers, Michael Feeney, emailed
me telling me that the youngest Mullet and "Hutch" from
my beloved Joe Schmo are one in the same. Fate you are a
cruel and harsh mistress. I feel a lot like the guy from
the Madame Butterfly movie who finds out that
his lover actually has a penis (A fate that only HHH and
Sean Waltman can likely relate to.). And although I
do feel shocked and betrayed, I shall persevere. This
tragedy can only make me stronger. It'd have to. As it
is, I barely move. I think I may be
dying!
However, before I get
into the Wrestling portion of the evening (I swear this
time), I have this
totally random question about Crack Whores
that I've always been curious about. Being that I'm
from just about the whitest suburb in the world, and
have never really been subjected to the cold realities
of the world; I am curious, do you pay the Whores,
then they buy the crack with the money,
or do you give them the crack , and
then they service you upon completion of said
transaction? This is always something I've been curious
about, as the term has always been an ambiguous one to
me; and truthfully, I wanted to avoid any
humiliating crack whore faux pas if the sudden
urge to get it on with drug-addicted prostitute ever
arises. Help would be appreciated. And
Penicillin.
Miscellaneous Wrestling
Commentary Of
Ridiculousness;
-As much as I really
enjoy projectile vomiting and security guys having
matches, it still wasn't enough to compel me to order
last week's TNA. Imagine
that.
-How about that Mark
Henry, eh? Dear lord. At this point, I think
I'd like to see a Y2J-esque countdown clock
going as he wrestles, that, you
know, systematically counts down to the end of
this seemingly infinite ten year contract he
signed. If only to assure myself, that
yes, there is indeed an end to this
madness. Eventually. But just not for 3
more years.
*sniffle*.
But hey, at least, in
his defense, he can tear phone
books in half! That's a feat right there. Just how
he then subsequently orders the take-out from
there that in turn maintains his perpetual obesity is a
mystery for the ages. Maybe he just gathers berries and
cruiserweights and sleeps in a cave for 6 months? I
mean, why not? He does kind of look like a bear. And
I've watched his matches. You don't move that slow if
you're not getting ready for hibernation! And he
does tend to disappear for like a half year at a
time. It just makes sense. You can still
shoot bears, right? What? I'm trying to find a
silver lining here!
-As
seen on RAW last week, Teddy Long's declaration of
wanting to be President would be an interesting
prospect. I don't think it's too farfetched to assume
his first order of business would be to paint the White
House. I mean, it only seems natural based on his
disdain for whitey. Unless it's Rodney Mack. No one has
the heart to tell him he's whiter than the Caucasians
he's annihilating. Quick, someone ask him to dance,
it's the only way to find out for
sure!
As for Teddy's
political aspirations, I guess for now he'll have to
satisfied with just being President of the Turtle Club.
Come on, think about it; little bald head? Big suit?
Belee' dat. Dear god. Poor Teddy. I'm not going to say
his head is significantly undersized or anything, but
he's probably the only guy I know who can wear his
wedding ring as a fucking
headband.
-Hey, let's talk
about OVW! You know, WWE's main training facility!
Today's wrestling stars... tomorrow! Or something.
Although, it's not that bad. I think that
one kid they just brought up has a HUGE
future. You know who I'm talking about ?....You don't?
..You know, the one with the crew cut?...and the
unmarketable last name? No? Come on!... You know,
the one who is real tall and uses a lot of
spinebusters and dropkicks? You still don't know? Well,
I'm not going to tell you then. Just look for that guy.
EVERYWHERE. He's going places. All of
them.
-While we're on the
subject of OVW alumni, wasn't it nice how HHH *put over*
the young trio of Maven, Garrison Cade & Mark
Jindrak last week... by completely annihilating
them? What that whole match did to really
advance anyone, Trips included, is beyond me. It
did make me a believer though. A belief
in that I definitely never want to see Jindrak
wrestle again. But still, obliterating the three
youngest guys on the brand in one match is hardly
building for the future. Although, I'm sure HHH has
somehow convinced himself that he actually did them
a favor, and now they'll be better off for it.
You see, HHH is the equivalent of taking your military
trainees out to the desert and dropping a
nuclear bomb on them. And then whoever crawls
out of the smoldering heap gets to officially be
one of the officers! Only, you know, like a fucking
A-bomb, no one ever climbs out of HHH's hole either.
Maybe that's because he keeps insisting on shoveling
more dirt on as they try to climb out.
Maybe.
That said, believe it or not, Maven actually
carried the match for his team, and it looks like the
man, who has now eclipsed Bert from Sesame Street in my
eyes as official mono-browed standard bearer,
is actually going places. Unfortunately, though,
all those places seem to be my
fucking Television. Dear god. Hell, some
people are even saying that he, Cade & Jindrak could
eventually be aligned with Randy
Orton as a new stable! FAUX Horsemen? Maybe. All I
know is, I'll buy it just to see Maven feud
with Ric Flair, with whom combined would make the
single GREATEST pair of novelty glasses EVER. Tell
me I'm wrong. Get Jake Roberts mustache involved, and
holy shit, there'll be no stopping
them!
- Holy fuck, we actually
got two consecutive good matches out of the Divas in one
week. Quick, someone check the Guff and see if there's
any souls left! Although, not having a soul or
personality doesn't seem to stop you from getting hired
in this company, so never mind. All I know is, this many
good matches in the Women's division in a row HAS to be
some sort of sign of the impending Armageddon (LIVE..on
Pay-per-view!). Although, I don't seem to
remember reading about plastic women rolling around in
spandex with one another in Revelations. If only. I
think that'd give me the proper motivation to go back to
church again. Just think of the MIRACLES! Jesus turns 2
breast implants into 300. Vince could really get behind
a religion with benefits like that. I'd mention from
there Jesus using his powers to somehow give these women
personalities & charisma, but come on! Even God has
his limitations!
-The WWE sunk to new
levels last Monday with the propaganda laced
placement of wounded soldiers at ringside. I don't know
about you, but I could literally see the eagles flying
in slow motion. It was that glorious. After
watching Bubba, D-Von and company glad hand, and TV time
given to each one, I'm surprised they didn't further up
the ante by sending Terri out to give them all
hand-jobs. Especially that one poor dude with the
fucking hook. Lord knows he can't do it
himself anymore for obvious reasons.
Hey, maybe that's the real reason pirates were so
ornery? Who wouldn't want to pillage and destroy if they
couldn't masturbate? They don't teach you this pertinent
information in School. But they
should.
That said, I know some of you people are saying,
Sean, WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOM? And I don't mean to
be cruel, I really don't, making light of the pirate
soldier and all, but
seriously, who has a
fucking hook anymore? You just know this guy
has seen those rubber
prosthetic hands. But noooooooo. He's sticking
with the hook. Huh. Maybe someone should
have made Koko B. Ware donate Frankie to complete
the look?
-I know I'm not the only
man obsessed with HHH and this YJ Stinger product.
Not since the WCW days and "Surge" have I hated a
product so much and never even had it. I also find it
humorous that Triple H doesn't sell for
fucking killer bees either. For all we know,
the bees were originally supposed to kill
Trips, but Helmsley informed the Director they
just "weren't ready yet.". YOU HAVE TO WANT IT,
KILLER BEES.
-Shane McMahon and Kane
brawling in the Hospital and then battling with a
big bag of hemoglobin does little for me other than
to convince me to never donate my blood any time soon.
Somehow, I don't think this was the best way to promote
the Red Cross.Ya, hey, just ignore the Bull Shannon
looking motherfucker with the dead-eye in his long
underwear kicking the shit of that preppy pudgy dude in
a tracksuit. Sign up here. Holy shit. Most people don't
need a complimentary piece of Pizza and a diet Coke that
fucking badly. Except me. It's free. What can I say.
Besides, the only blood I utilize at this point all
heads to the same place at once. Usually during Trish
Stratus matches. I think
I can spare a little.
And speaking of Kane, why is it that he
seems to be coming out with less clothes every week, yet
the Divas seem to be wearing more? And speaking
of Naked Kane, where are his SCARS? This dude was
burned alive, remember? And hey, wasn't Jim Ross a few
months ago, too? Yet he's fine now, as well. What the
fuck is going on here? All I know is, if *I* was in a
burn unit right now, I'd sign with WWE, stat. Tragic
burns all over your face and body only leave
you with non-healing wounds and a life of perpetual
unending pain when you're *not* a WWE superstar.
Silly, everyone knows that.
-Onto the Smackdown side
of things , it looks like Vince and Steph will now
"wrestle" in an "I quit" match at the PPV. YAY!
Although, somehow, I think it may be the fans
themselves who yell it first. I know I just threw in the
towel. Only in my case, it was into the
laundry. Mostly because I just watched
that Divas match from last Monday, and umm,
ya, it's needs to be washed. Forget I said
anything.
That said, is it just
me, or is Steph growing larger as weeks pass? And I
don't mean fat. I just mean mass. How did this
ever happen? How did our Billion Dollar
Prince..ess come to this? I mean, even her
voice has changed several octaves. Despite the fact
that prolonged exposure to her former
pitch would cause your head to explode
scanners-style, at least, back then, you
knew it was actually FEMININE. What happened? At
the rate her voice is changing and gradually getting
deeper, by this time next year, she'll have ousted
fucking James Earl Jones from yelling "This is
CNN!".
Stephanie: "Vince never
told you what happened to your
Father...".
Hunter: "He-uh, told-uh, me-uh, enough-uh.
He-uh told-uh me-uh, you-uh killed-uh
him-uh!".
Stephanie: "No, I, am YOUR
Father!".
Hunter: "Noooooooooooooooo-uh! That's-uh
not-uh, true-uh!
That's-uh impossible-uh!".
I do have a theory,
though. Perhaps it's the hormonally enhanced super sperm
of the Game himself, causing these genetic
changes? You know, that once ingested, caused
Steph to triple her normal size? There's already
a precedent. I mean, Chyna got a whole lot
more feminine after breaking up with Hunter. All I
know is, if this was the Marvel Universe,
Ms. McMahon would now be fitted for a yellow spandex
unitard and sent off to Xavier's school for gifted,
err, youngsters, anyway. Although, I think
she'd be better suited to the evil brotherhood of
mutants, myself. They could utilize her writing
talents to turn the tide in the war. All it'll take
is a few of her terrible storylines and the non-mutant
threat will instantly surrender and the Sentinels
will all commit hara-kiri. NOTHING MOVES THE BLOB.
Except funky beats.
-Just for the record
though, on the comic book front, being bombarded with
Gamma rays didn't turn me into an unstoppable green
monster, it just gave me inoperable cancer. What
gives? When do I get super-strength and invulnerability?
And when will I stop bleeding internally? Help? Stan
Lee?
-So, HHH has put a one
hundred thousand dollar bounty on Goldberg?
Normally, I'd like to see it the other way around, but
come on, let's be serious. Like a Jew is gonna part with
that much money! *Ahem*
-Thumbs up to a great Ladder match on RAW
last night. RVD scaled the ladder and regained the belt!
He then took the ladder back home to Battle Creek,
because he just remembered his parents garage
rafters is where he last stored his stash. His
parents should find him on the weekend passed out amidst
Funyon bags. True story.
-Speaking of RAW, how about that big
Fabulous Moolah birthday comeback match last
night? Normally, the only thing people that age wrestle
with is incontinence. That said, Moolah
deserved the moment. Even if that was the most
awkward and tedious schoolboy roll up in HISTORY.
By the time Moolah had finally finished rolling
Victoria over, said Schoolboy was graduating college and
fucking shaving. But hey, whatever. Props to Moolah at
80(?). Although, I found her post-match pose-down a
little disturbing. Who knew Moolah had 24 inch pythons?
I mean, sure, they're upside down, but hey, there they
were.
-And finally, it looks
like I won't be going to Wrestle Mania as
tickets are expected to sell out next
week almost instantly thanks to the "not-at-all
crackable" password the W's gave their fans:
MANIA. Jim Ross also denied that a proposed Hulk
Hogan vs. Randy Savage match would be taking place as
speculated. Which is good, because I don't think the WWE
would purposely put their own younger superstars on
the back burner to promote a match between two fledgling
50 year olds and try and pass it off as the
real Wrestle Mania Main Event. Oh.
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Gratuitous Attempt To Do Less
Work
OK, I don't mean to beat
a dead horse here...Ok, there was that one time, but I
was very drunk & lonely, and feel really bad
about it, but if you, or a longtime close personal
friend (credit- Mean Gene Okerlund) would like to
have your two cents on wrestling heard, all you
have to do is drop me a line and send me a glossy pic of
your girlfriend nude and I'll post a few emails. Or
if you want to just send me the pic that'd be cool,
too. Look at it as my way of giving back to the
community! Much like the current forced
community service I now have to undertake
after pleading "no-contest" in court to certain brazen
false charges. I swear, I thought that was
Alka-Seltzer that I was putting in her drink!
Honest!
See you
in 8-10.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
