BACONTENNIAL!
CELEBRATING TWO
YEARS OF THE BACONMAN AND HIS
AWESOMENESS!!!11
Hello, Baconfans, I'm The Baconman,
and welcome back to your favourite column in the entire
Universe or the Internet even, Bringing Home The Bacon!
Ya!!!!11
And as most of yous guys know, your
old pal the Baconman recently came into a windfall of
cash and money even after winning the Provincial
lottery, and is now obscenely rich ... and
suddenly handsome. In fact, so much so, that the people
in my hometown of Moosewater recently volunteered
to Erect a statue of the Baconman in his honour! I had
to pass on it though, because as comfortable as I am
with my body (there isn't a single centimeter I haven't
explored), I just can't imagine having a statue
with an erection on it. That's just plain old
inappropriate even though I think it might be cool in
the case ladies or birds land on it - and thus
through a voodoo-style transference I feel it to. I
don't what they were thinking/feeling with their hands
hopefully!
Anyways, in between that,
Philanthropy, (invented by the rich Uncle Phil on Fresh
Prince) and kicking a basketball out of the hands
of a diminutive black child at the count of 9 ( You
know, standard Rich person stuff) I realized that
I've been in the employ of this website for exactly 2
YEARS this week! Wow. It only seems like yesterday
plus an additional 729 days that I started writing
here. Man, time flies! (and continues to go on, as
is, no matter how many times you use your Flux
capaciter to attempt to change it b4 your family
disappears).
Anyways, with that said, I'd be the
bigtime remiss if I didn't throw my loyal Baconfans some
bones (not real ones) here and reward them
with a complimentary anniversary column!
I mean, it's the least I can do to brighten your
sad lives, right? DOES MY PHILANTHROPY EVER END!!!!111?
(It does. Sorry.). So, with that said, The Baconman will
now present two time-tested favourites from
the column voted "Best Ever!" by the almighty God
himself (He lives in Canada! Heaven is North, and Canada
is North, do the math!), while showing the doubting
Tims out there why I'm the biggest Insider this industry
has never seen! (I'm gettin' a little tired of the dave
Meltzer phoning me and asking 'is this true,
Baconman?!').
First, up, we have a very brief
Bacon Réport, but first, allow me to answer a quick
email!!!11
Dear Baconman:
How come you put an accent over the
"e" in "Réport" in your Bacon Reports?
Signed:
[somebody.]
Easy! It's in honour of my
proud Canadian heritage. You see, we have
two national languages in Canada, English and
the French. We're a Bisexual country! So I do it as
a tribute to our filthy cheese eating friends to the
East, whom we despise/can't seem to get rid
of. Très Bien! (french for Very
Bien).
And now onto
the Réport!
For those of you living under a
Rock or D-Lo Brown even, Jim Ross used to have a column
on WWE.com called "The Ross Report" where he discussed
among other things, barbecue sauce, the giant cumbersome
jewelry of The big Show and what soft boiled produce one
could prolly squeeze through it, and of course that
hat size of the former Prince Albert. You know, the
really important stuff. Anyways, he eventually
stopped doing it so a doctor could pull all kinds
of zany things out of his asshole (My Grandpa had a
colonoscopy and all it did was stop cancer, not produce
rubber-masked hijinks. What a gyp.).
Anyways, this left a bigtime hole
(apropos 'cause that's where the pain came from) in
the world of respected journalism and awesomeness, so
The Baconman selflessly filled that void with his
words/penis! And who better? I'm so INSIDE, I could
prolly tell you what your internal organs look like!
(not good, btw!) And don't you dare doubt me
because I once knew a guy who was politely asked by
former Rougeau brother Raymond to watch his bags whilst
he went and bought a dirty magazine at an airport
kiosk, so I think I know what I’m talking about!).
So this brings us
to:
BACON
RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW
STUFF
(08/24/06)
Just a short Réport this week, as
I've been kinda busy pretending to do things. You see, I
recently took a page from Bill Gates book, (the one on
new haircuts that don't look like Toad from Super
Mario) and donated a substantial portion of my
income to AIDS research (Approximately 100 hundred
Canadian dollars) - and because of my bigtime
magnanimous gesture and such, Scientists have *already*
informed me that their research has discovered that A)
it's sexually transmitted and B) There is no cure at
this time. MAN. Aren't you glad I'm here to speed the
medicular process along and kinda sorta halt the AIDS?
Who knows what kind of danger you filthy perverts would
have been in had I not interceded! (HIV maybe?). In
your face Bill Gates! (And maybe work on the
viruses that matter! like your faulty Microsoft product!
Ya!)
Onto The Réport! (for
real!)
-After being called
both "wrestlers" then "rebels", (the black
wrestlers are still enslaved though as we
speak), the stars of the new ECW have
finally been christened, EXTREMISTS! And I've learned through my
bigtime sources that they're now taking it literally! And as a result, the ECW stars
are now forcing their fundamentalist Extreme beliefs on others
through random acts of TERRORISM!
First, Sabu has decided to live up to his genocidal
nature and tried to eradicate an entire culture of
people! However, rather than hijacking a plane, he just
sat a steel folding chair beside a building, took twenty
steps back, ran, and springboarded off it and crashed
directly into the glass, botching the whole
thing! No one was hurt, but it's said he cracked a
window and tipped a window washer's bucket of
soapy water over! DEATH DEFYING! THE
HUMANITY! (bet those 9/11 ppl (named after that tall ECW
guy who choke-slammed ppl) are wishing they had
shirtless hindus taking it to their buildings. They
might still be alive today/ chanting
ECW!).
From there, Balls Mahoney (who I
always thought should team with Val Venis. Come on
WWE, makes 'Cock & Balls' a reality!) ran into
a crowd of people, bad mouthing the Infidel fans of
standard sports entertainment, with explosives
attached to his head! Surprisingly, Balls survived, no
one really noticed the damage to his face, and
in a strange twist, it's now said that his looks have
improved after the blast! Strange!!!11
-Sylvester The Turkey
recently made his debut, coming to the ring being
carried on an oblong plate filled with lettuce. You
probably remember him from his 1990 WWF debut as the
Gobbeldy Gooker.
He’s since shaved off his feathers though and has
now adopted a no-nonsense mixed martial arts
style in addition to dancing/having sex with Gene
Okerlund - eventually joining up with Elijah
Burke who doesn’t get to wrestle that much, which is
kinda unfortunate. But hey, that usually
happens when you're talking about
Turkey. Everyone always seems to pass on the
dark meat, am I right?!
-Rey Mysterio may be taking time
off to get knee surgery, but I've heard through my
sources that THIS IS BUT A CLEVER SMOKE
SCREEN! AND SINCE HE'S MEXICAN I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT
KINDA SMOKE THAT IS!1111 Apparently the
*real* procedure will be to figure out what in fact has
caused his eyes to turn completely white!
Radiation? Maybe! This would
prolly explain why he's so tiny also. This maybe
also might explain why he has great high
flying agility like fellow radioactive
masked marveloso Spiderman! Man, he's lucky. I'm
always trying to bombard myself with
the radioactivity in an attempt to gain super
powers, but sadly I always end up with inoperable
cancer, have my dick fall off, and die! What's your
cancer secret Rey Mysterio and do you make masks for
penises of a person?
-Kurt Angle had to be taken off the
road recently because he pulled his groin. I don't
blame them. I can't imagine anyone in the locker room
appreciated the former Olympian openly masturbating and
cumming everywhere while yelling, "it's goo, it's
damn goo!" (or so I'm told). That's just not
hygienic/sexy at all!
-Apparently, JBL's commentary at
Summer Slam about Eddie Guerrero has gotten him some
heat and anger even with the boys in the back. He
said that at his wedding, he had to hire extra security
just in case Eddie fell off the wagon. FELL
OFF THE WAGON? There's your problem right there!
I know JBL's from Texas and all, but I'd imagine
having wild horses pulling around a wagon filled with
wrestlers hanging on for the lives, in the middle
of a crowded church, would be much
more DANGEROUS. Good thing JBL hired that extra
security though, imagine how pissed Eddie woulda been if
he fell off such a chaotic vehicle and died at a
tragically young age! I know I would!
ANARCHY!!!!!11
-How cool was it seeing
Degenerating X (and if my bone density was
deteriorating at a rapid pace I'd pull off clever
ribs on authority too! What would you have to lose?!)
spray paint a giant building on RAW?! Although, I got to
thinking, how did just two guys spray paint an
ENTIRE BUILDING? I myself spray
painted an Ikea plant stand recently, and as such it
took me four full cans of spray paint to complete it/
set it in my living room in an appropriate manner,
so the way I figure it, they'd need about 25,000
cans to complete 18 stories of painting. Unless they
used one GIANT can. But how would they operate it? Then
it hit me. HBK has stated on many occasions that Jesus
lives in his heart, and as I understand it, the
Jesus was somewhere in the neighborhood (Galilee) of 6
feet, so to fit inside the rib cage of the Heart break
kid, HBK himself would have to be at least 300
feet tall. This is the only explanation I could
come up with/pay ppl to agree with. And with my
scientific background (I took Biocololgy in high school
for my entire 9 years there) I have confidence that
I'm 75% right and 50% correct (I was a
wizard at math, too!)
ASK BACON Time! Here's two
questions asked by my bigtime fans, that only I
,Canadian Bacon, am capable of answering because I'm
that same guy.
Dear CB,
What’s the deal with the Liver
Enzymes in WWE?
Signed: Jim, British
Colombia
Bacon's reply: WWE has an Enzymes
deal? What kind of person would want to buy those?
Especially when you consider all the swank merchandise
they already have at their disposable that's not
liver-related. If it was bladders, I'd understand, but
mostly because someone told me Batista uses other ppls
for wellness tests and thus he prolly doesn't need his
anymore.
Hope that helped
kinda.
-CB.
To Baconman; A lot of the
smackdown roster was sent home recently for apparently
violating the Wellness program. But most of them have
returned, except for Super Crazy. So my question to you
is, where is Super Crazy?!
No
signature.
Bacon: I can only assume a mental institution. I mean, a name like
that has to be a cry for help, right? It's about time
WWE took the initiative and got Crazy the psychiatric
help he needs! (and maybe a proper haircut. Mexican
Jermaine Jackson's went out
...immediately?).
That said, I for one am looking
forward to seeing "Super Sane" back in a WWE ring soon!
And I think it'll happen. If the guy in a Beautiful Mind
can get his shit together (And I don't know about yous
guys, but I didn't find his mind all that
physically attractive) then the (formerly) Insane
Luchador will be a shoe in! (mexicans wear shoes, right?
Those lettuce patches would prolly be brutal on the feet
if not).
-CB.
Anyways, speaking of emails, that
takes us to our next portion of this celebration of
BACON and his contributions to the Industry he made
famous. That's right, Bacon
correspondence! You see, I'm always writing
wrestlers and inventing the TOUGH questions.
Unfortunately, I often don't get an answer, because
companies like the WWE have been blackballing
me (Ahmed's taste like chicken dipped in molasses)
since I turned in Dr. Zahorian in the early 90's
and nearly crippled the credibility of the industry.
However, this doesn't stop The Baconman from
still trying to get to the tough questions to the
easy answers. So here we go!!111
BACON
CORRESPONDENCE!
WRESTLERS LOVES
THE BACONMAN. AND HE LOVES THEM!
Kevin Thorn (ECW's
Vampire)
Dear Kevin Thorn;
How do you keep your hair so neatly
combed if you can’t see your reflection in a mirror?
Always wondered.
And btw, I hear from a lot of
ppl these days that you suck - and to that, I
usually get bigtime defensive and say, "HE SURE
DOES, HE'S A LEGIT VAMPIRE AND THAT'S HOW VAMPIRES
MAINTAIN SUSTENANCE/STAY RELEVENT TO GIRLS WITH NO
FRIENDS." (just doing my part to 'get' the gimmick
over/remind ppl you actually exist. No thanks
needed!).
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., I know you have to be
'invited in' and all, but just a heads up, Canada is
just ripe for Vampire pickens! No one locks their doors
here! That's half the battle! Plus, our stakes are kinda
brittle, 'cause we already exported all the good wood to
the U.S. for unfair prices! So no issues
there!
Viscera
Dear Big Vis. I know you refer to
yourself as the "World's Largest Love Machine', but I
have to take issue with that. I am currently fashioning
a 700 pound giant animatronic vagina, that I plan to
market/make love to with that *exact* name.
So please make revisions to your moniker as soon as
possible, for it's no longer true! Thanks a
bunch.
P.S., when you and your
life partner, Mo, were called 'Men on a Mission'
just what exactly was your mission? I don't remember
anyone ever saying. My guess was to "eat as much food as
possible". Was I right? I'd really appreciate
finally knowing. Thanks, Vis!
Canadian Bacon.
Found out the hard way that doing
the Big Vis dry hump on people was still classified as
sexual assault.
Bret Hart
Dear
Bret. I'm a pretty huge Bret Hart fan (not
literally, I only weigh about 160 pounds!).
Anyways, I recently watched your DVD and
was completely blown away. I remember you saying in
it that you've never ever hurt anyone you've
ever been in the ring with, which I found
strange. How did you end up winning all those
matches then if you never did any damage? I'm
baffled/handsome.
Anyways, my real question is about
something you're prolly really tired about talking
about: Vince screwing you at Survivor Series. But my
question is this, for 9 years, we've always heard that
Vince screwed you for not dropping the Title to Shawn
Michaels. And my question is, why didn't you press
sexy charges against Vince for anally violating
you? You seemed to take being raped very well I must
say. Most women aren't able to ever psychologically
recover from the trauma (believe me, I've seen it
firsthand), but there you were winning
countless WCW & U.S. titles even! What an
example you are when it comes to sexual assault/chronic
repression/depression!
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., Maybe you should change your
nickname of Excellence of Execution. Last time I
checked, capitol punishment is abolished in Canada and
forbidden even! (Plus, since you never hurt anyone, I'd
imagine killing them for their crimes would be
tough.).
Finlay
Dear Finlay:
I recently noticed you've employed
the use of a ravenous midget to your already full
arsenal of moves (in addition to your deadly Shanaynay,
which was also my favourite character on
Martin). My question to you though is, is there
some special training or routine you used to have him
become psychotic and attack people? I'm just asking
because after much effort/drugs, I've recently
captured a midget myself, and keep him locked
under my porch (If only I had a ring. If
only). But instead of harbouring a sick bloodlust
that I can in turn use to thwart my foes when the
situation merits its use, he just tries to
"escape" and "dial for the police", "yell to
the neighbours for help", and continuously complain
about being "starving" while questioning his
slavery, citing that he's a "person" and " slowly
dying". (I know better, though).
Anyway, this lack of
midget compliance is REALLY starting to get me
down, (i'm seriously thinking of just putting him
down) and I'd appreciate any advice you could give
or any techniques you could share as to how I can beat
the base humanity outta him.
Thanks!!!11
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Desperately seeking
compliant attack-midget that is willing to be
tossed onto adversaries/give head when needed. Or maybe
just the first part.
THE ROCK
Dear The Rock
I'm prolly one of your biggest
fans in the ever and are really looking forward to
your return to the ring you keep saying is never coming
so you can film movies about not liking children then
suddenly finding a heart and liking them. And therein
lies my question. I recently read that you turned down
working the last couple of Wrestlemanias because they
didn't have a storyline that interested you. Well, I
think I have one, and I think it's *definitely* money in
the bank (Not the faggoty assed briefcase).
Here it goes: Since you're
Rock, WWE could bring in two
new wrestlers, and call them
"Paper" and "Scissors" and the three of you can all
battle each other fierce-like at Wrestlemania, with
each man getting a fall. The whole feud would
ultimately end in a stalemate, however.
Awesome, eh? You can thank me by
reading my bigtime screenplay (In which I've
attached in the email) for Doom 2: Doomier, which has
your name all over it! (along with a series of
diagrams/erotic sketches I know you'll
appreciate!).
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., Just be glad I
didn't introduce "Dynamite" into the feud
just to confuse everyone!
Highlanders
Hello, The Highlanders, my name is
Canadian Bacon and I'm a big fan of yours. In particular
your immortality. See, when I heard the Highlanders were
coming to WWE, I got bigtime excited, because I
figured that meant the End Game was at hand, and "the
Prize" was just around the corner. But I gotta say, I've
been somewhat disappointed that you haven't introduced
your Samurai swords into WWE Action yet in between all
the losing/mocking your heritage for north American
larfs. I means, yous guys would prolly be the champs by
now had you just cut off Ken Doane's head. But
whatever. I don't really blame you
guys, because WWE is weird about stuff like that
these days, and I figured Undertaker told you to
put a stop to the Quickenings because not dying
and lightning is his gimmick.
Anyways, Best of luck, and remember
there can be only one (Is it true
that this is also HHH's credo?).
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., Maybe you could behead Johnny
Ace sometime? I know he's not immortal and all, but he
sounds like he's kind of an asshole!
Thanks!!!11
Umaga
Dear Umaga. I don't know if you
speak Canadian, so maybe you could get the Armando to
translate, but I have a question about your big taped
thumb. I myself recently taped up my thumb so it
too can be lethal, but so far, when I yell
gibberish then jab it into people's throats, they
just look at me like I'm crazy/Un-Samoan. Am I doing it
wrong? I mean, the thumb is obviously the hardest
bone in the body, so I MUST be doing something wrong.
Any help would be appreciated.
A blah blah Samoa! (I'm
somewhat fluent in dirty savage, as we have a
large Eskimo population up here.).
Sincerely
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., I love your
custom grill. And I'm glad to see your home country
didn't invest in pointless frivolous things like
education and civility, when Hip hop is so much more
important. I guess my grandpa was right when he said it
was Jungle music! Who knew?!
Gene
Snitsky:
Dear Gene
Snitsky,
My name
is Canadian Bacon and I need some bigtime advice.
My cousin Andrea recently became pregnant with child
(this time anyway), and as a result, she has
decided to not keep it. And this where you come in. I was wondering if you could
maybe spare a day, and fly up to Saskatchewan and
hit her with a chair. I'd have done it myself, but there
was some "issues". You see, I used to volunteer my
abortion "services", but some people frowned on the
technique. In fact it pretty much horrified the medical
community completely and both the Pro choice
and Pro Life movements altogether. I tried a clever, "It
wasn't my fault" which so endeared you to millions
instead of the usual jail time, but
sadly video
surveillance equipment installed in the room and a
few surviving witnesses proved my claims to be a
bold faced lie. Oh well.
Thanks, Gene!
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
By decree of my plea-bargain has to
admit "it was my fault".
Sabu!
Dear Sabu:
Hello the death
defying Sabu, my name is Canadian Bacon and I need
you to clear something up for me. I recently noticed
commentators and signs in the crowd refer to you as
Homocidal. But my question is, what did homos ever
do to you that you'd want to eradicate them
completely as a people? (And is this the real
reason why Pat Patterson is in the hospital?).
Anyways, I know homosexuals can
sometimes draw our ire with their frosted hair,
cleanliness and the fact they always seem to be
surrounded by better looking women than us straight
guys, but that's not a good reason (there's much
better one's) to want to murder or kill them
even with unconventional hardcore props and
maneuvers! Remember, even though they're
different, Faggots deserve our respect,
too.
Sincerely,
The Pesticidal, Spermicidal, Dance
Recital, Canadian Bacon.
There we go! I told yous guys I'd
bring the goods! (then sell them for a reasonable
price!)
---------------------------------------
Ok,
Baconfans and fans of Bacon. That's it for the first two
years of the incurable disease known as
Baconmania! (there is no cure/ way to stop
infection (its transmitted
sexually.)).
But first, my BIGTIME announcement! With
my newfound resources, monies and secret slave
labour force, I have decided to in fact RUN FOR PRIME MINISTER OF
CANADA...whenever the next election is!!!! (It
happens every 300 years I think). YES. And as such,
The Baconman needs a campaign manager/ masseuse of the
Korean kind, so if you're interested in helping The
Baconman become elected/erected to the highest office in
Canada, land that I love, contact me HERE, and together
we can run/rub things! Ya!!!!11
-CB.
