BACONTENNIAL!
CELEBRATING TWO YEARS OF THE BACONMAN AND
HIS AWESOMENESS!!!11
Hello, Baconfans, I'm The Baconman, and welcome back to your favourite column
in the entire Universe or the Internet even, Bringing Home The Bacon! Ya!!!!11
And as most of yous guys know, your old pal the Baconman recently came into a windfall
of cash after winning the Provincial lottery, and is now obscenely rich. In fact, so much so, that the people in my hometown
of Moosewater volunteered to Erect a statue of the Baconman in his honour! I had to pass on it though, because as comfortable
as I am with my body, I can't imagine having a statue with an erection. That's just plain old inappropriate. I don't what
they were thinking!
Anyways, in between that, Philanthropy, and kicking a basketball out of the hands
of a diminutive black child at the count of 9 ( You know, standard Rich person stuff) I realized that I've been
in the employ of this website for exactly 2 YEARS this week! Wow. It only seems like two years ago I started writing here.
Man, time flies! Anyways, with that said, I'd be the bigtime remiss if I didn't throw my loyal Baconfans some bones and reward
them with a complimentary anniversary column! I mean, it's the least I can do to brighten your sad lives, right? DOES MY PHILANTHROPY
EVER END!!!!111? (It does. Sorry.). So, with that said, The Baconman will present two time tested favourites, and samples
from the column voted "Best Ever!" by the almighty God himself (He lives in Canada! Heaven is North, and Canada is North,
do the math!) and show the doubting Tims out there why I'm the biggest Insider this industry has never seen! (I'm gettin'
a little tired of the Dave Meltzer phoning me and asking 'is this true, Baconman?!')
First, up, We have a very brief Bacon Réport, but first, allow me to answer a quick
email!!!11
Dear Baconman:
How come you put an accent over the "e" in "Réport" in your Bacon Reports?
Signed: [I can't remember.]
Easy! It's in honour of my Canadian heritage. You see, we have two national languages
in Canada, English and the French. We're a Bisexual country! I do it as a tribute to our filthy cheese eating friends
to the East. Très Bien!
And Now onto the Réport!
For those of you who don't know, Jim Ross used to have a column on WWE.com called
"The Ross Report" where he discussed among other things, barbecue sauce, the giant cumbersome jewelry of The big Show and
what soft boiled produce one could squeeze through it, and of course that hat size of the former Prince Albert. You know,
the really important stuff. Anyways, he eventually stopped doing it so a doctor could pull all kinds of zany things out
of his asshole (My Grandpa and a colonoscopy and all it did was stop cancer. What a gyp.). Anyways, this left a bigtime hole
in the world of respected journalism, so The Baconman selflessly filled that void! And who better? I'm so INSIDE, I could
prolly tell you what your internal organs look like! (I once knew a guy who was politely asked by former Rougeau brother Raymond
to watch his bags whilst he went and bought a dirty magazine at an airport kiosk, so I think I know what I’m talking
about!) So this brings us to:
BACON
RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO
WANTS TO KNOW STUFF
(08/24/06)
Just a short Réport this week, as I've been kinda busy. You see, I recently took
a page from Bill Gates, and donated a substantial portion of my income to AIDS research (Approximately 100 hundred Canadian
dollars) and because of my bigtime magnanimous gesture, Scientists have already informed me that their research has discovered
that A) it's sexually transmitted and B) There is no cure at this time. MAN. Aren't you glad I'm here to speed the medical
process along? Who knows what kind of danger you filthy perverts would have been in had I not interceded! In your face Bill
Gates! (And maybe work on the viruses that matter! like your faulty Microsoft product! Ya!)
Onto The Réport! (for real!)
-After being called both "wrestlers" then "rebels", the stars of the new ECW
have finally been christened, EXTREMISTS! And I've learned through my bigtime sources that they're taking it literally!
And as a result, the ECW stars are now forcing their fundamentalist Extreme beliefs on others through random acts of
TERRORISM! First, Sabu has decided to live up to his genocidal nature and tried to eradicate an entire culture of people!
However, rather than hijacking a plane, he just sat a steel folding chair beside a building, took twenty steps back, ran,
and springboarded off it and crashed directly into the glass! No was hurt, but it's said he cracked a window and
tipped a window washer's bucket of soapy water over! DEATH DEFYING! THE HUMANITY! And from there, Balls Mahoney
(Who I always thought should team with Val Venis. Come on WWE, makes 'Cock & Balls' a reality!) ran into a crowd
of people, bad mouthing the Infidel fans of standard sports entertainment, with explosives attached to his head! Surprisingly,
Balls survived, and in a strange twist, it's now said that his looks have improved after the blast! Strange!!!11
-Sylvester The Turkey recently made his debut. You probably remember him from
his 1990 WWF debut as the Gobbeldy Gooker. He’s since shaved off his feathers though and has adopted a no-nonsense mixed martial arts style and joined
up with Elijah Burke who doesn’t get to wrestle that much, which is kind of unfortunate. But hey, that usually happens when
you're talking about Turkey. Everyone always seems to pass on the dark meat!
-Rey Mysterio may be taking time off to get knee surgery, but I've heard through
my sources that THIS IS BUT A CLEVER SMOKE SCREEN! Apparently the real procedure will be to figure out what in fact has caused
his eyes to turn completely white! Radiation? Maybe! This would prolly explain why he's so tiny. This maybe also explain why
he has great high flying agility like fellow radioactive masked marveloso Spiderman! Man, he's lucky. I'm always trying
to bombard myself with radioactivity in an attempt to gain super powers, but sadly I always end up with inoperable cancer!
-Kurt Angle had to be taken off the road because he pulled his groin. I don't blame
them. I can't imagine anyone in the locker room appreciated the former Olympian openly masturbating! That's just not hygienic!
-Apparently, JBL's commentary at Summer Slam about Eddie Guerrero has gotten him
some heat with the boys in the back. He said that at his wedding, he had to hire extra security just in case Eddie fell off
the wagon. FELL OFF THE WAGON? There's your problem right there! I know JBL's from Texas and all, but I'd imagine having
wild horses pulling around a wagon filled with wrestlers hanging on for the lives, in the middle of a crowded church
would be DANGEROUS. Good thing JBL hired that extra security though, imagine how pissed Eddie would be if he fell off such
a chaotic vehicle! I know I would! ANARCHY!!!!!11
-How cool was it seeing Degenerating X (and if my bone density was deteriorating
at a rapid pace I'd pull off clever ribs on authority too! What would you have to lose?!) spray paint a giant building
on RAW?! Although, I got to thinking, how did just two guys spray paint an ENTIRE BUILDING? I myself spray painted an
Ikea plant stand recently, and as such it took me four full cans of spray paint to complete it; so the way I figure it, they'd
need about 25,000 cans to complete 18 stories of painting. Unless they used one GIANT can. But how would they operate it?
Then it hit me. HBK has stated on many occasions that Jesus lives in his heart, and as I understand, Jesus was somewhere in
the neighborhood (Galilee) of 6 feet, so to fit inside the rib cage of the Heart break kid, HBK himself would have
to be at least 300 feet tall. This is the only explanation I could come up with. And with my scientific background (I took
Biocololgy in high school for my entire 9 years there) I have confidence that I'm 105% right (I was a wizard at
math, too!)
ASK BACON Time! Here's two questions asked by my bigtime fans, that only I ,Canadian
Bacon, am capable of answering. But that's prolly 'cause they were addressed to me, but don't be fooled! I am kinda awesome.
Dear CB,
What’s the deal with the Liver Enzymes in WWE?
Signed: Jim, British Colombia
Bacon's reply: WWE has an Enzymes deal? What kind of person would want to buy those?
Especially when you consider all the swank merchandise they have at their disposable. I don't care if they're selling them
for really low prices, it's just not worth it!!!!11
-CB.
To Baconman; A lot of the smackdown roster was sent home recently for apparently
violating the Wellness program. But most of them have returned, except for Super Crazy. So my question to you is, where is
Super Crazy?!
No signature.
Bacon: I can only assume a mental institution. I mean, a name like that has to be
a cry for help, right? It's about time WWE took the imitative and got Crazy the psychiatric help he needs! I for one am looking
forward to seeing "Super Sane" back in a WWE ring soon! And I think it'll happen. If the guy in a Beautiful Mind can get his
shit together (And I don't know about yous guys, but I didn't find his mind all that physically attractive) then the
(formerly) Insane Luchador will be a shoe in!
-CB.
Anyways, speaking of emails, that takes us to our next portion of this celebration
of BACON and his contributions to the Industry he made famous. That's right, Bacon correspondence! You see, I'm always writing
wrestlers and asking the TOUGH questions. Unfortunately, I often don't get an answer, because companies like the WWE
have been blackballing me since I turned in Dr. Zahorian in the early 90's. However, this doesn't stop The Baconman
from trying to get to the tough questions to the easy answers.
So, with that said, I'll print my most recent correspondence (and I'll add
the replies as they virtually FLY in) and then, post my readers favourites from the last two years!!!!11 Here we go!
BACON CORRESPONDENCE!
WRESTLERS LOVES THE BACONMAN. AND HE LOVES
THEM!
Kevin Thorn (ECW's Vampire)
Dear Kevin Thorn;
How do you keep your hair so neatly combed if you can’t see your reflection
in a mirror?
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., I know you have to be 'invited in' and all, but just a heads up, Canada
is just ripe for Vampire pickens! No one locks their doors here! That's half the battle! Plus, our stakes are kinda brittle,
'cause we already exported all the good wood to the U.S. for unfair prices! So no issues there!
Viscera
Dear Big Vis. I know you refer to yourself as the "World's Largest Love Machine',
but I have to take issue with that. I am currently fashioning a 700 pound giant animatronic vagina, that I plan to market
with that exact name. So please make revisions to your moniker as soon as possible, for it's no longer true! Thanks
a bunch.
P.S., when you and your partner Mo, were called 'Men on a Mission' just what exactly
was your mission? I don't remember anyone ever saying. My guess was to "eat as much food as possible". Was I right? I'd really
appreciate knowing. Thanks, Vis!
Canadian Bacon
Found out the hard way that doing the Big Vis dry hump on people was still classified
as sexual assault.
Bret Hart
Dear Bret. I'm a pretty huge Bret Hart fan (not literally, I only weigh about 160 pounds!).
Anyways, I recently watched your DVD and was completely blown
away. I remember you saying in it that you've never hurt anyone you've ever been in the ring with, which I found
strange. How did you end up winning all those matches then if you never made contact? I'm baffled.
Anyways, my real question is about something you're prolly really tired about talking
about. Vince screwing you at Survivor Series. But my question is this, for 9 years, we've always heard that Vince screwed
you for not dropping the Title to Shawn Michaels. And my question is, why didn't you press charges against Vince for
anally violating you? You seemed to take being raped very well I must say. Most women aren't able to ever psychologically
recover from the trauma, but there you were winning countless U.S. and WCW Titles! What an example you are when it comes to
sexual assault!
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon
P.S., Maybe you should change your nickname of Excellence of Execution. Last time
I checked , capitol punishment is abolished in Canada! (Plus, since you never hurt anyone, I'd imagine killing them for their
crimes would be tough.).
Finlay
Dear Finlay:
I recently noticed you've employed the use of a ravenous midget to your already
full arsenal of moves (in addition to your deadly Shanaynay, which was also my favourite character on Martin). My
question to you though is, is there some special training or routine you use to have him become psychotic and attack
people? I'm asking because I've recently captured a midget myself, and keep him locked under my porch (If only I had
a ring. If only). But instead of harbouring a sick bloodlust that I can in turn use to thwart my foes when the situation
merits its use, he just tries to escape and "dial for the police", yell to the neighbours for help, and continuously
complain about being starving and question his slavery citing that he's a "person" (I know better, though). Anyway, this
lack of compliance is REALLY starting to get me down, and I'd appreciate any advice you could give.
Thanks!!!11
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon
Desperately seeking compliant attack midget that is willing to be tossed onto
adversaries.
THE ROCK
Dear The Rock
I'm prolly one of your biggest fans in the ever and are really looking forward
to your return to the ring. And therein lies my question. I recently read that you turned down working the last couple of
Wrestlemanias because they didn't have a storyline that interested you. Well, I think I have one, and I think its definitely
money in the bank (Not the faggoty assed briefcase).
Here it goes: Since you're Rock, WWE could bring in two new wrestlers,
and call them "Paper" and "Scissors" and the three of you can all battle each other at Wrestlemania, with each man getting
a fall. The whole feud would ultimately end in a stalemate, however.
Awesome, eh? You can thank me by reading my bigtime screenplay (In which
I've attached in the email) for Doom 2: Doomier, which has your name all over it!
Sincerely
Canadian Bacon
P.S., Just be glad I didn't introduce "Dynamite" into the feud just to
confuse everyone!
Highlanders
Dear Highlanders,
Hello, The Highlanders, my name is Canadian Bacon and I'm a big fan of yours. In
particular your immortality. See, when I heard the Highlanders were coming to WWE, I got excited, because I figured that meant
the End Game was at hand, and "the Prize" was just around the corner. But I gotta say, I've been somewhat disappointed that
you haven't introduced your Samurai swords into WWE Action yet. I means, yous guys would prolly be the champs by now had you
just cut off Ken Doane's head. But whatever. I don't really blame you guys, because WWE is weird about stuff
like that (I figured Undertaker told you to put a stop to the Quickenings because lightning is his gimmick).
Anyways, Best of luck, and remember there can be only one (Is it true that this
is also HHH's credo?).
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon
P.S., Maybe you could behead Johnny Ace sometime? I know he's not immortal and all,
but he sounds like he's kind of an asshole! Thanks!!!11
Umaga
Dear Umaga. I don't know if you speak Canadian, so maybe you could get the Armando
to translate, but I have a question about your big taped thumb. I myself recently taped up my thumb so it can be lethal,
but so far, when I yell gibberish then jab it into people's throats, they just look at me like I'm crazy. Am I doing
it wrong? I mean, the thumb is obviously the hardest bone in the body, so I MUST be doing something wrong. Any help would
be appreciated. A blah blah Samoa! (I'm somewhat fluent in dirty savage, as we have a large Eskimo population up
here.)
Sincerely
Canadian Bacon
P.S., I love your custom grill. And I'm glad to see your home country didn't
invest in pointless frivolous things like education and civility, when Hip hop is so much more important. I guess my
grandpa was right when he said it was Jungle music! Who knew?!
Gene Snitsky:
Dear Gene Snitsky,
My name is Canadian Bacon and I need some advice. My cousin Andrea recently became pregnant, and
as a result, she has decided to not keep her child. And this where you come in. I was wondering if you could spare a
day, and fly up to Saskatchewan and hit her with a chair. I'd have done it myself, but there was some "issues". You see, I
used to volunteer my abortion "services", but some people frowned on the technique. In fact it pretty much horrified
the medical community completely and both the Pro choice and Pro Life movements altogether. I tried a clever "It wasn't my
fault" which so endeared you to millions instead of the usual jail time, but sadly video surveillance equipment installed in the room proved my claims to be a bold
faced lie. Oh well.
Thanks, Gene!
Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon
By decree of my plea-bargain has to admit "it was my fault".
Sabu!
Dear Sabu:
Hello the death defying Sabu, my name is Canadian Bacon and I need you
to clear something up for me. I recently noticed commentators and signs in the crowd refer to you as Homocidal. But my question
is, what did the gays ever do to you that you'd want to eradicate them completely as a people? (And is this the real
reason why Pat Patterson is in the hospital?).
Anyways, I know homosexuals can sometimes draw our ire with their frosted hair,
cleanliness and the fact they always seem to be surrounded by better looking women than straight guys, but that's no reason
to want to murder them with unconventional hardcore props and maneuvers! Remember, even though they're different, those
Faggots deserve our respect, too.
Sincerely,
The Pesticidal, Spermicidal, Canadian Bacon.
There we go! I told yous guys I'd bring the goods! Consider them and the Bacon,
brought!
-CB.
But first! Here's a promised bonus; past emails from Wrestlers, (with replies where
applicable) and stay tuned to the end for a VERY SPECIAL announcement that'll rock your socks!
PAST
WRESTLER CORRESPONDENCE!!!!
From early 2005:
ULTIMATE WARRIOR:
"Dear Warrior. I’ve never written before but I’m a HUGE(!!!) fan
and a proud follower of the Warrior wisdom! And I actually modeled my whole adult life after you (although my mom hates
it when I wear make up or clothesline her).
Anyways, for the longest time around here there’s been rumors going
around that you're not the same guy who played the ultimate warrior as before, and that the first guy was killed in a motorcycle
accident! BUT I of course told people that was the bigtime BUNK! Afteralls you survived like a million macho man elbows so
falling off your motorcycle would be another day at the ULTIMATE office, right?!!! Anyways, I want to convince those around
me to follow yer teachings but no one wants to listen to my cries of responsible conservative government! (especially those
damn Eskimos around here who seem more concerned with spending their welfare checks on expensive mukluks while hardworking
people like me (I’m a salesman of pewter statuettes) barely get by. It’s just not fair. ).What should I do? Press
them to the heavens? (that always seemed to work for you)
Let me know anyways. I’ll always believe.
Canadian Bacon.
Saskatchewan Chapter of Warriors.
P.S., No offense but maybe stop using fake words like Destrucity, it’s
kinda ridicacoculous.
GOLDBERG:
Dear Goldberg: Hi, My name is Canadian Bacon and I’m a huge fan of yours
(my favourite match is prolly the 15th one you had with Jerry Flynn on Thunder.) Anyways, I was just writing to
first say congratulations on the upcoming movie the longest yard ( Although, just What is a longest yard??Aren’t
yards like 3 feet long, or did my geometry teacher lie to me?) and ask a quick question. My question is, you used to always
say “Who’s Next?” and my question is, did you not know? Did no one tell you? I think it’s kinda mean
if that was the case. I mean you was the big champ and everything and they didn’t
have the decency to tell you. Although, if I had the intimidating La Parka waiting for me out in the ring I might not
want to know!!!!
Anyways, good luck on your awesome movie (and as a favour could you mule kick
Adam Sandler at the premiere? I think he’s getting kind of a big head!)
Thanks Goldberg! You rule. No wonder your one of God’s chosen people.
He made the right choice that’s fer sure!!!
Canadian Bacon.
Fears the spear. And puncturing his scrotum.
Reply: "Happy Holidays! Thanks for visiting BILLGOLDBERG.COM. While Bill Goldberg
does read virtually every email that is received, due to the high volume of email, he cannot personally respond to each and
every email. Please know that Goldberg appreciates your support, and watch for responses to the most-asked questions in the
"Ask Goldberg" section of the website."
CB: See! I told you! The
Goldberg APPRECIATES Bacon! This was one quick reply this I can assure you. and completely PERSONALIZED for
me Canadian Bacon. In fact, I guarantee I'm the only one who's ever got this messgage!!!! Now do you believe me when I say
how INSIDE I am?
CRASH HOLLY:
Dear Crash, why won’t you ever answer my emails?
CB:
No answer yet. I'm starting to worry a bit.
MILLION DOLLAR MAN:
Dear Ted Dibiase; Someone told me you was born again and I have to say, wow!
I had no idea they could clone people yet! 'Course with your money I think you could prolly fund anything!!!!!
Anyways, I figured you’d prolly be the only person who could answer
this for me. Could you tell me where I could get a tear away suit? I’m kinda lazy and having pants and a dress shirt
that I could easily tear off would really save me a lot of time (I find track pants very complicated). Also, this’ll
go good with the hundred dollar belt I’m currently fashioning for myself (at this point I believe it to have a net worth
of about 55 Canadian Dollars)
Anyways, any help would be really appreciated.
And P.S., why didn’t you let Virgil wear a shirt with his vest? I imagine
it’d be quite nippy at your winter residence in the Netherlands Antilles. Just
curious.
May the force be with you! (I know you're very religious now)
Canadian Bacon
(45 dollars away from being the most impressive guy in the neighbourhood!)
Reply: My
name is Nik Duncan. I am the PR rep for Mr Dibiase at Willowcreek Marketing located in southern Ontario, Canada. You
submitted an e-mail to the e-mail address set up for booking appearances for Ted Dibiase; however, it seems you are not requesting
Mr Dibiase for an engagement of any kind.
Yes, it is true Mr. Dibiase is a devoted Christian, and Willowcreek
Marketing is a Marketing firm that represents Christian products. Our latest is the DVD movie by the 9 time wrestling
champion STING, titled, “Sting-Moment of Truth”. You can see the trailer here. www.sting-themovie.com
FYI: You may be able to get a tear away suit at any novelty shop, or
just try searching around, perhaps on the internet.
I don’t know what you mean by your opening statement, but I do
know that people can change in life, and often times want to change. Jesus brings out the best in people, when their intentions
are true.
