The views
of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily
reflect those of The Wrestling
Fan
| Saturday,
August 21, 2004
12:00AM |
So
this is my debut column? Fantastic11!!! I just hope that
I can live up to all the bigtime great
wrestling debuts of the past like Chris Jericho, Kurt
Angle and Mr. Hughes. Huge shoes to fill I know (and not
snow shoes like my northern neighbour the dirty
Eskimo) but I have confidence in my skills which I
think you’ll see pretty much speak for themselves
(THEY'RE AWESOME) only not literally because they're
skills and that'd be kind of scary and
startling.
First of all, it has to
be said: I am not a satire writer. I
don’t write anything funny or even
interesting about WRESTLING. Noticed I said
"wrestling" and not "Rasslin"
which the owner of this site in
his faggoty ignorance tends to use quite a
bit. Have some respect, niggerface. The sport I
love is called pro wrestling, and it
was actually invented by the greeks sometime around
the time of the jesus. It's true!!!! Until then all they
did was fuck each other in the ass but then wrestling
came along and united them as a people so much so that
today they make delicious sandwiches. Really! It's true!
And good thing they finally found
the completely hetero combat between
two gloriously oiled
musclemen to finally
distract them from all that silly homosexuality and
pastel colors! (silly greeks! Did yous guys
not learn anything from the Bible story
of Soderizing and Gemoorah? God
HATES butt fucking and the binding of metals
through high heat!). But that's all done now thanks to
the sport of Kings. (originated by Arthur when he threw
Lancelot through a Barber shop window). I means,
really, who's got time for assplay when you're
trying to grind down and passionately ride another
naked gladiator until he accepts your muscley
might or lays flat and takes your pin?! Come
on! And yes, all this took place atop a
magical place called Mount Olympus! It was prolly
called that because as mentioned all they did was mount
each other in dirty gay lust! So I suppose this
"Olympus" fellow wouldn't be much different!
Yes~! Wrestling. I love it and the manliness of its
healing powers. History lesson
complete!!!!1111
Anyways, as for me, your
pal CB, I was born a baby and raised in
God’s country, Saskatchewan Canada, and have been
watching wrestling for my whole life and if I
could have in the womb I would have,
too!!!! . Sadly though there was no cable
feed in there. Bah, I say. If they can put salad
tongs in there to grasp what I was told was an
inordinately small head, you can't tell me they couldn't
have maybe found a way to maneuver a tiny little TV
in my mom's vag! It'd have been nice! You can
only be entertained by your dad's penis making an
occasional visit so much after all! i'm telling
yous!
Anyways, that said,
there's not much I don't knows about Wrestling, its
history and its wrestling history. In fact my
friends (and I have millions here in Saskatchewan) tell
me that I’m the most knowledgeable guy they know when it
comes to knowledge. Heck I’m practically an insider! I
mean, did you know that the abdominal stretch was
actually invented in the 40's by a man named
Wilbur Abdominal? IT'S TRUE. Some
people with packs of lies and such will tell you it was
Wilbur Snyder, but the truthiness is Wilbur was
brought into this world as Wilbur Abdominal, and only
changed his name to "Snyder" when he felt he was
becoming typecast! "I'm know more submission holds.
Seriously!" he was often heard yelling before
putting on another namesake stretch for 45 minutes
straight with no other holds until curfew expired. It
was heartbreaking.
Anyways what I don’t
like though is this IWC business. What is the IWC
anyway? Sounds like some god forsaken Puerto Rican
federation like the one that Bruised Brody was murdered
or dare I say KILLED in. I don’t go for this smark
stuff. So you can keep all your Smark talk
there, Scott Keith. I prefer to speak for the REAL
fans! Those who saw Damien dimento as the true Artist he
was. And besides, what the heck is a smart
mark? Isn’t that like calling yourself an idiotgenius
because they're like equal parts stupid and
smart?!!! Ya
I WENT there!
I
don’t like people who think they know better like Scott
keith and his star ratings. Pardon my french, but Scott
Keith’s doesn't know anything accept maybe about eating
and being handsome so who needs him?. Besides, no
one tough or important ever came from
Alberta, except Stu Hart, but he
was really from Saskatchewan. Betcha
didn’t know that! It's true! But when he decided it was
time to settle down and get his fuck on, he and Helen
shit out their glorious brood right here in...wait. They
did it in Alberta. Ignore this
part.
I just don’t
really go for these star ratings either. It’s prolly
cause I invented them and am still sore that he
stole the whole concept from me! Of course, mine weren’t
stars. I always preferred to use moons.
I mean you can actually have half a moon, or a quarter
of a moon. You CANNOT divide a star, bub. Not unless you
want a super nova on your hands, and I don’t think you
want that! Universal obliteration and all that! Not
Good. Trust me! It's horrible!
Also
you hear certain people who think they’re geniuses or
even brilliant or something. Well unlike these
people I’m actually in the business.
I’ve handed out signs for the booker and wiped the ring
ropes when the SWF came rolling into town back in 98.
What have you ever done? Besides sit there all gay and
stupid and prolly gay too?
Exactly.
Anyway these ignorant
types like to pretend they’re so smart spouting off
things like Hulk Hogan sucks and the leg drop sucked
too. THE LEG DROP DID NOT SUCK! I mean you never saw
Andre kick out of it, right? And he was a GIANT.
A real life legit Giant! It's true. His Mom
wouldn't have named him Andre The Giant if she wasn't
bigtime confident he'd grow up to be
tall.
Also
some people on message boards like to start silly
rumours about certain wrestlers like they knowitall.
Take Ultimate Warrior. I’ve tried to tell people for
years that there was TWO warriors (the first died in a
motorcycle accident in the late 80s) but there’s always
someone who comes out and argues! Do these people
not have ears and see it for themselves? It’s so obvious
that there was two it’s not funny. Even the guy who
plays Warrior now likes to say “I’m the only one damn
it!”-- but you just know he has to say that to throw off
the trail! What is he going to do, admit it? I mean
the proof is in the pudding. (not real
pudding). First off, they had different haircuts.
And I don't think I need to tell you how next to
impossible that is to change. (Science has its
limits!). And second and such? He was from PARTS
UNKNOWN. There's tons of facepainted guys living there
all itching to be wrestlers who'd LOVE to be a Warrior,
I'm tellin' you. Parts Unknown churns out more pure
wrestling talent then even Calgary! It's the city of
Champions! So, ya, there’s two Ultimate warriors.
Case closed, so, "if the Warrior fits you must do
something clever that rhymes with Warrior and
fitting."
This
takes us to right now. Wait. No, now. Many thanks
to the marginally talented (but he's
trying!) Dr. Gonzo for giving me a chance to show
my stuff (and not my penis. There was confusion once. I
don't like to talk about it.). And thanks to
everyone else here! Whoever you are! I’d love to read
your columns but I don’t have time, so sorry. (I'm very
important.).
Anyway. here’s a topic near and dear to
my heart:
Giant Gonzalez:
Misunderstood Technician.
There’s always a lot of
people who don’t give Giant Gonzalez the bigtime
props he deserves. (Not literal big props to make
him feel more at home (Argentina, Africa) because he's a
giant and comfortable furniture is a rarity.). It’s
because of these people that he prolly never got a
chance in the WWF even though he was a really good
wrestler.
Giants tend to get a lot
of flack by so called smarks. Heck, even the other
wrestlers would bust their balls-- which I'd assume
wouldn't be too hard due to the size. I can’t tell you
how many times Hulk Hogan called people like Big
Show and Andre “stinky, wart infested” which I
always felt was kinda hurtfulness. And for the life of
me I don’t remember ever seeing actual warts anywhere on
Andre or Paul Wight. I don’t know bout the stinky part
though. When your that big it’d prolly be pretty hard to
wipe your bum. (that might explain the fur diaper Giant
Gonzalez wore).
Anyways, Gonzalez
wrestled in WWF (Not “E”) in 1993 and prolly should have
been champion because he's tall and so
LEGIT MUSCULAR artists and such had to
actually make him wear a suit with painted muscles
to tone it down! Its true! somewhere! He actually
started his craft in WCW where he wrestled as El
Gigante. I’m not sure what gigante really means (it's
German) but I’d guess it meant something about
being big. Could be wrong
though.
He
was originally drafted to the NBA but Ted Turner said
“wow, this guy should be wrestler and wear fur on his
ass” and made him a wrestler instead of letting him play
basketball. Lucky for us! Imagine if he had been allowed
to play basketball. We would never have seen what he
could do in the ring and that would have been
unfortunate.
He
was the master of the dreaded and feared claw, better
known to educated fans as the iron claw. And you just
know it hurt cause iron’s really hard, not as hard as
stone (see Ronny Garvin) but prolly pretty
close.
I
read before where people said he was green which was
silly. He was more like a soft beige or light brown
pallette. He was also a natural athlete. You’d
have to be to play basketball! (it’s not like he played
just cause he was tall). And If
Gigante was really such a bad wrestler as people say,
then why did he have such a good match with the
terrible Ric Flair then? Answer me that. I’ll tell
you. The answer is T-A-L-E-N-N-T. That’s right. Talennt.
(the second N is silent).
Some
people think Ric Flair is like a god or a
beautifully rounded Buda or something but Gigante had to
be doing something right to pull something out of
Naitch, AMIRITE?. And I hate this broomstick thing
people are always saying. “Ric Flair could wrestle a
broom stick” they say. Why would he want to wrestle a
broom stick? Talk about your boring match right there!
And you know last time I checked a broom stick doesn’t
hit back and it certainly cannot give you a mighty
waste-level choke slam this I can assure
you!
Sometimes I think
Gigante would be better off if he stayed in WCW. I mean
he had a great feud with the Van Vader and the Vader
even won the world title! So that means Gigante would be
champion. It’s just basic math if you think about it. We
never saw how this classic rivalry ended, and last I
remember the Vader used his big goat mask to burn
El Gigante with steam and such! Wow. That was hardcore
(and hardcore hadn’t even been invented yet!!!). Gigante
had to be all man to take that. I mean hot steam, wow!
Any of us who has ever been burned by a hot cup of
tea or rad when laying our snowy mittens can attest
to that. It smarts!
When
he got to the WWF they gave him a suit with fur. Man was
it cool looking! I mean being a giant is scary enough,
but when you add fur to the package man it still send
shivers down my spine! In fact if they want to get big
John Heidenrich popular they need to put him in a
hairy suit! Yes! Genius! The suit is money in the
bank and people would mark for it I promise! I mean it
worked for Barbarian and I don’t think I need to you
tell you he was prolly the most over guy in the company
in 1990.
Some
people ask why he was made to wear the suit and I think
WWF likely made him wear a bodysuit because Undertaker
was jealous of Gigante’s natural physique cause he
had to wrestle in a shirt himself he thought everyone
else should to.
They
started calling him Giant Gonzalez and he attacked
Undertaker and did what no one else could he beat him
down in the royal Rumble and manhandled him like no one
ever did until the next guy! But what did you
expect, he was an honest to god giant! (its not just a
clever marketing phrase!)
Truthfully
though I actually never really wanted to see this
match though (although he and Undertaker did have the
best match at Wrestlemania 9). I mean why go with
Undertaker as the feud when you had a built in money
feud with Kamala? Hello?They even speak the same
language: dirty savage. Thank
you.
Anyways, Gonzalez really
took it to Taker at wrestle mania and dominated the
deadman despite Undertakers black parrot he came to ring
with that prolly would have intimidated anyone. Anyone
but Giant Gonzalez that is!
You
know with Gonzalez it was the little things that made
him great. Like his selling for example. If you asked
anyone in the business who worked with him, I’m sure
they’d agree that he always made things look believable.
From the way he took his bumps to the emotion on his
scary face, you never knew that what you were watching
wasn’t fake. He was that good.
Also
Gonzalez at times could move like a really old cat
in the ring, and sometimes you’d swear he wasn’t almost
nine feet tall! WWF liked to say eight feet, but you
know how they lie about stuff like
that.
Anyway Undertaker got
the win by disqualification that night (boo!) and then
Gonzalez seemed to disappear after that which I never
understood. I mean you never saw less of HBK the next
year at Wrestlemania ten when he had the best match, did
you? It should have been the same with Giant Gonzalez.
Because let's face it, Shawn Michaels is NO Giant
Gonzalez. Now imagine Giant with a seven foot
ladder. By my math, that'd make him somewhere in the
neighburhood of 35 feet tall, give or take!
TERRIFYING!
It’s
just too bad we never got to see Andre against Giant
Gonzalez before Andre died. But
WWF prolly wanted to save Andre for Earthquake cause
Earthquake broke Andre’s leg and the pain from that
prolly killed Andre. Damn you Earthquake. I heard he was
even buried in that hound's tooth jacket and the
mortician couldn't get the pit stains out and i wouldn't
wish that on my worst enemy but mostly 'cause it doesn't
make sense.
Anyway Giant Gonzalez
let Undertaker beat him at Summer Slam and helped get
the Dead man over (he was not really that popular at the
time). Gonzalez then left soon after for good and that
was the last we saw of him which was a huge shocks for
us fans who like me mailed WWF magazine so many times
and heard nothing back! “Where is Giant Gonzalez?” I
wrote. “Bring him back soon” I said. But nothing. Stupid
Vic Venom, he never answered my
letters.
Anyway I’d like to tell
you Gonzalez had a happy ending but you know what? The
truth is he’s prolly dead. I don’t mean to seem mean
or callous or Mean Mark Callous, but it’s
prolly the truth (Don’t mean to offend any of my readers
who might also have the Bigism.)
.Giants for some reason don’t seem to live long which is
a shame because they’re better.
If
he’s not dead though I think they should bring him
back.
Wow.
That was fun. I love to inform people with information
who are kind of stupid
so please email me and I’ll get back to you when I
want.
Until next week Canadian
Bacon says consider this bacon
brought!
Oh,
and to this "sean Carless" fellow. This is the last time
I "spellcheck" or "edit" my work for a while. I'm a
natural writer and believe that words are like urine. it
should be allowed to pool and stink until no one can
take it anymore. You can't bottle bigtime talent
by holding them to outdated standards like
intelligiability and coherency!!!! You've been
warned!!!!111 Bacon out.
-CB.
