WWE ARMAGEDDON 2005

Hello all, I’m Sean Carless and welcome to Armageddon! And sure, it’s not really the end of the world, but I’ll be damned if this PPV didn’t make you wish it was….

Tonight’s show comes to us from Providence Rhode Island, home of...absolutely nothing. Sorry, it’s true.

Your hosts are of course Michael Cole & Tazz, along with Hugo and Carlos for our Spanish speaking friends! And as we speak, Hugo is likely wiping the nervous sweat from his sizeable Spanish forehead, because on the account of his commentator desk being OUTSIDE the parameters of the Hell in the Cell, he'll FINALLY be able to complete HIS FIRST EVER PPV without his whole world fucking blowing up around him! Poor Hugo. Sometimes I think that his house must be completely void of furniture, just because it conjures up too many bad memories.

JBL w/ Jillian Hall vs. Matt Hardy w/ the fluttering hearts of the teenaged obese.

JBL makes his way out in his limo for our opening contest. Why the lazy motherfucker can't walk like 15 feet is beyond me. He's worse than those fucking old people with their Rascals. JBL then gets on the mic once in the ring, and tells us that he will forever be the Main Event. I think HHH actually has that tattooed on himself somewhere. Or constantly recited to him by those with broken spirits. Either/or. JBL then insults Matt Hardy and his "Internet buddies”. OH NO HE DIN'NT. BE CAREFUL, JBL, you don’t want to invoke the UNBRIDLED FURY of thousands of overweight teenage girls, who are no doubt creating disparaging JBL signatures for their Matt Hardy tribute sites as we speak! You know, of course all while assuming that the fat- faced grainy airport pic they had taken with Matt somehow makes him "their boyfriend". You don’t want none of that. Trust me.

From there, JBL makes fun of Matt’s catchphrase “I will not die!” and insists that he should instead make a T-shirt that reads “I wish I was dead!” Huh. maybe they should have handed those out during JBL's title reign. It kind of summed everything up perfectly.

Soon after, Matt Hardy runs in, not dying, his scar still being a symbol, but still so very very alone, and ambushes JBL and takes out his full rage on The Wrestling God (BLASPHEMY!) only briefly stopping to go online and speak of unrequited love and heartbreak. The shit's on now! …Ok it’s over. Holy shit, I’d be surprised if Matt got more than three offensive moves in. Seriously. The end came when JBL untied the turnbuckle pad, rammed Matt into it several times, then hit the Clothesline from Hell to pick up the clean win. Poor Matt. At this point he should probably just exchange the word "win" with "die" in his catchphrase.

Winner: Definitely not Matt Hardy. Maybe this immortality and "not dying" business is not what it’s all cracked up to be? Clearly, that just means that Matt will have all of eternity to do jobs instead of just one normal life cycle....

-Flashback to SmackDown where Melina gave it up to The Animal (Bestiality~!) in exchange for him not going after Nitro & Mercury's Tag Titles. Heh. You know, this probably marks the first time in wrestling history you had to bite the bullet and fuck a dude TO GET OUT OF GETTING A TITLE.

Speaking of Melina, we're back live now, and she runs into Super Crazy & Psicosis (who will face MNM tonight) backstage, and they proposition her for some lovin’ ala Batista. She ultimately refuses. Come on, Melina! Give it a go! After all, who better to handle your bush than a couple of landscapers? IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

- Hell in the Cell Flashback!: Undertaker throws Mick Foley off the top of the Cell in WWF’s first ever “Holy Fuck” moment. He then throws a rookie off a cliff because he saw him wheeling in his carryall luggage instead of carrying it. You've got to want it.

MNM vs. Mexicools: Super Crazy & Regular Psicosis;

Despite my best efforts, I have yet to find another landscaper who possess keen lucha libre skills like the Mexicools. And that's a shame too, because Springboards would definitely come in handy for those branches you can't reach with a ladder. Oh well.

Anyway, this match was originally supposed to be for the Tag Team Title, but now it's not. And I agree completely. I mean, two full-time tag teams wrestling for the Titles? That's just absurd!

Very good little match here, with both teams working really well together. But hey, you know how efficient those Mexicans are at working. And for so little money too.

High spot of the match sees Super Crazy use the referee as a launch pad to leap up and over the ropes and take out MNM on the floor. Man, you've got to love that Super Crazy. Perhaps one day they'll find the medical breakthrough in umm, "Psiciatry" (invented by Sigmund Freud whilst under a mask in the late 1800's) that cures him of his luchador insanity, and allows him to finally live a productive, full life. We can only hope. It's a real soft spot for me. I have an uncle who had to have a lobotomy because he wouldn't stop head-scissoring people. I don't really like to talk about it.

Back inside, MNM regain the momentum, and punish Psicosis, who plays your very ugly luchador in peril here. Finally, an enziguiri by Psicosis buys him the time to finally make the caliente tag to Super Crazy, as Mercury tags out to Nitro as well. Super Crazy in now, quickly, and why not, jumping over roped off areas is old hat (sombrero?) in his culture, and as such he runs through MNM faster than his country’s water through your asshole. Huge tornado DDT to Mercury from there but Nitro saves. Psicosis then takes out MNM with a huge body press on the floor, but gets posted for his trouble. Back inside, Super Crazy goes up for the moonsault, but Melina tries to prevent him from hitting it, but to no avail. Nitro however saves Mercury again and the two quickly transition Crazy into the snap shot for the win. Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta!

Winners: MNM. Good match. Gotta love the WWE. The only place in the world where Hollywood elitists can abuse Mexican gardeners and not have it frowned upon.

-Backstage, new interviewer Krystal catches up with Booker T & Sharmell and questions them about tonight’s 4^th match in the Best of Seven series with Chris Benoit. But first, I have to say that I’m taken aback by the fact that Vince actually has two Sistas on the same brand! Man, I think this is the first time this has ever happened! (I don’t count Jazz and Jacqueline…because well, Jazz could arguably be a Brutha). In any event, Affirmative Action at work! Nicely done! For the record though, if Krystal ever offered me some action, I’d definitely answer affirmative. Just thought I'd clear that up.

Anyway, Sharmell has a broom with her to signify Booker’s "sweep", and not to clean up the backstage area because she's black and Vince loves to fucking stereotype people (Come on, we just saw Mexicans riding to the ring on Lawn Mowers!). Booker then states that tonight he’ll beat Benoit like he was his Daddy! Bah. Benoit's Daddy couldn't beat him, because his arms were too short to reach for his belt! It's true! (Ok, it's not. But it could be. Benoit had to inherit those arms from somebody!).

With that said, Sharmell doesn’t take too kindly to Krystal’s "questions" anymore and there’s a moment of extreme sassiness between the two! Quick, someone get these two a completely shitty UPN show! (besides SmackDown, I mean).

Best of Seven series: Match #4: Booker T. w/ Sharmell w/ SASS vs. Chris Benoit w/ arms not proportionate to his body. (I wonder if he spent any time on the radioactive colonies of Mars?)

Going into this, Booker leads the series 3 straight, and just needs one more win to bring this thing home. Which I'd assume is Houston and not Harlem. But hey, who knows. These things are never consistent.

And with that said, this match was a masterpiece of psychology, and for the first time in a LONG time, I was actually standing by the end, and not just because I had all my furniture repossessed, although that's the main reason. DAMN YOU CREDITORS!

Both men are pretty much even as far as offense goes early on, but Sharmell puts an end to that by interfering every chance she gets. One potentially cool spot that went awry saw Booker have Benoit up for a potential superplex, but Benoit floated over, and presumably was going to grab Booker with a crazy German (not this), but Benoit slipped and crumpled to the mat. NOT-SO-SUPERPLEX. Booker then improvised, and hit a huge missile dropkick, but Benoit got out at two. Clearly, we need to commission more Military hardware made entirely out of Chris Benoit's! They're impenetrable! Well, if the validity of Booker T's explosive feet is to be believed. I trust WWE. If Michael Cole says that Booker's legs are like missiles then who am I to argue.

Soon after, Booker stuns Benoit near the ropes, and Sharmell delivers a devastating low blow; She tells him his limbs are comically undersized in proportion to his body! That bitch! Ok, Ok, it was the literal kind of low blow. Whatever. From there, Booker then hits the scissors kick, but Benoit kicks out to a huge pop. It's funny, but my patented scissors kick never seems to get the job done either. Although, it might be because people never have the decency to stay hunched over for 30 seconds while I execute it. I wonder what Booker's secret is.

From there, Booker picks up Benoit, but immediately gets taken down with the crossface. Booker fights it though, and gets the ropes. Benoit on offense after that with a german suplex and flying head-butt… but that only gets two. Booker & Benoit then jockey for position and the ref gets bumped. In the ensuing chaos, Benoit gets the sharpshooter on Book, and he taps, but there’s no referee. Sharmell then comes in and hits Benoit with the bristle side of the broom to break the sharpshooter. Benoit just looks annoyed. And why should it faze him? His own wife used to be married to a Satanist remember? After you've seen your old lady eat a bat and hog-tie some virgins in your basement, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to rattle The Wolverine.

This distraction then allows Booker to sneak up on Benoit and try a Book-end, but Benoit is in no mood for umm, reading, and counters that into a huge DDT, then immediately floats over into the crossface and Book taps out as the referee revives. AWESOME, stuff.

Winner: Chris Benoit. The only thing that could have made this thing better, booking-wise, would be if Wendy's founder Dave Thomas did a run-in, if only to get even for the restaurant Booker took down in the 80’s. But unfortunately, that can’t happen because Dave's dead. Although, that never stopped Undertaker before. Pussy.

-We get a Hell in the Cell flashback of Taker tossing Rikishi off the top of the Cell at Armageddon 2000, where he lands in the back of a flatbed truck filled with hay and a crash pad. But you kinda are supposed to ignore that part. JR: "There's probably some idiot out there saying 'but he knows how to fall!' How the Hell do you learn how to fall on a 12 inch thick mattress covered with hay!" Us: "umm, easily?" JR: "Touché."

-Teddy Long and Palmer Canon come out next. Teddy Long puts over SmackDown as “TV that’s changing Friday Night’s one lonely loser with no social life at a time." Ok, he only said that first part. Whatever. Long then calls out "Santa" and his special elf, Nunzio. Santa gets on the mic, and says “yo, yo, yo!”, before giving a shout out to Staten Island. Apparently Santa has traded in his sleigh for a Camaro. Who knew?

Santa Vito says he’s tired of "giving" and it’s time to receive for once. I used the same line on my girlfriend. I usually spend the night on the couch after that. In any event, Santa & elf DEMAND a shot at the Tag titles, and cruiserweight title, respectfully. They don’t bother mentioning the World title, because let's face it, that’s one "Christmas miracle" that even fucking Santa can't make happen. Palmer then takes the mic and says he’s got a "Christmas present" for them… The Boogeyman! Ok, good luck trying to get an exchange on that on Boxing Day. Boogey comes out and umm, “gets them”, but not before giving a lovely rendition of Santa Claus is coming to town (seriously.) Boogey then disposes of Nunzio, as Vito has apparently pissed himself. Boogey attacks Vito and destroys him with the pump-handle slam. He then grabs Santa's errm, sack, and waves his Papa Shango wand to transform the contents into thousands of worms. He then grabs a handful and stuffs them into Vito’s mouth. Poor Vito. Someone mustn’t have said “Hello” to the right people backstage.

-Brief Undertaker/ Randy Orton package airs; this segues into Krystal interviewing Randy Orton about the Hell in the Cell. Or as Randy enunciates it: Hell.In.A.Cell. Bob Orton then tries to answer first, but Randy says he’ll handle it. He puts over his mind games, stating Boggle and Taboo are his favorites, but the little buzzer gets annoying after a while. Ok, maybe not. Orton states that tonight he’ll finally force the Undertaker into retirement. Man, that's one retirement community I'd like to see! And the best part? The on call medical staff doesn't even have to put much effort in. If by chance the guy flatlines, you just pick up the urn over your head, and Bam, back in business! And if he gets overzealous stuffs the other Retirees into caskets? No harm, no foul! Because, let's face it, chances are they were gonna end up there soon anyway...

Abobo Lashley vs. William Regal & Paul Birchill in a "let’s obliterate the credibility of every team on this brand in one night" match;

They're still building up Choc Lesnar's "undefeated streak" so this is a typical squash. And I know what you're saying "didn't he get eliminated first at Survivor Series by pin? So HOW IN THE FUCK COULD HE STILL BE UNDEFEATED?!" However, if by chance you didn't think this, there may a lucrative career awaiting you on the WWE creative team! You're just the guy they're looking for.

Anyway, Lashley dominates (HIYO) for the most part, and is really only temporarily hurt when Burchill hits a nice top rope knee to the small of his back. You know, the only thing on this guy besides his testicles that are small. You don't go from wrestling at 180 in the Army to 300 in the pros without paying a visit to your on and off again girlfriend Annie Bolic. Well, unless, ol' Lashley was bombarded with radiation ala the Hulk. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM ANGRY. I mean, sure, it looks exactly like every other emotion he has, because he can't fucking emote to save his life, but trust me, you don't want none of that.

From there, Lashley rallies though, obviously, and disposes of Regal with an overhead belly to belly, and finishes Burchill with the Dominator. It's just science. Two heels simultaneously, no matter how dominant, can never defeat one singular popular, heavily muscled babyface.

Winner and still fake undefeated: Bobby Lashley!; The man who's changing the literal definition of Undefeated much like Smackdown is changing Friday Nights! Or something!

-We now see a sketch where Josh Matthews is interviewing former Referee Tim White at his bar, the Friendly Tap. Matthews asks questions about how the Cell ended his career, but White just keeps downing shot after shot and says nothing. Finally, Tim relays his TRAGIC story. His wife left him. His family won’t talk to him anymore. And he has irritable bowel syndrome. Me too! And it's a real shame, too. My bowels used to have such a friendly and easy going demeanor, but now they have no patience for anyone! Ya.

It’s at this point that Matthews wishes him a “White” Christmas (get it? Tim WHITE! Haha! Oh man, does the WWE hilarity ever ~~stop~~ start?). Tim responds by pulling out a shotgun, and cocking it. He then goes in the back and apparently blows his head off with it, as Matthews recoils in hammy overacted ridiculousness. Heh. Well there you go. The Hell in the Cell apparently gives you the shits, repulses your family, and provides you with the urge to kill yourself. We loses SO MANY people this way. Fenced off boxes are the nation's number one killer. I'm thinking of creating a ribbon for it.

In any event, myself and the venerable Harry Simon, were discussing this very skit, and decided to leave comments on the Friendly Tap's feedback page here. And in case they’ve had the good sense to erase our additions, here they are:

Sean Carless -- Having the owner/proprietor wrap his mouth around a double barrel shotgun due to the lingering after-effects and depression caused by the UNFORGIVING Hell in the Cell is but a small price to pay for the atmosphere, service and quality that can only come from The Friendly Tap. I highly recommend this establishment; whether it be for a quick bite to eat, a quiet drink with friends, calculating your ultimate demise, or just reflecting on the horrors of the Devil’s playground, It’s the IDEAL night spot!

Harry Simon -- Implied suicide is never funny. If the Von Erichs were alive today, they-- Oh, wait. They're not. Never mind.

Sonny Siaki's lawyer -- My client has no comment as to his whereabouts last night.

***From there, we started to think about the obvious “SmackDown is Tim White” show that should follow, complete with "heartfelt testimonials" from several WWE Superstars….

Stephanie McMahon: "The shotgun in Timmy's mouth was just like the time the Federal government went after my Daddy in court!…"

Matt Hardy: "I WILL NOT DIE! Tim?... Not so much."

Chavo Guerrero: "I defend what happened last night. Tim would have loved that we kept his name alive. So, can I get paid now?"

Andre The Giant: (Surprisingly had nothing to say)

Michael Cole: "That bullet got him right in the skull! RIGHT IN THE SKULL!"

Tazz: "Not for nuthin', but that was a rocketbusta of a shotgun blast. Off the chain as they say. Not for nuthin'."

JBL: "We should level Rhode Island with an A-bomb and turn it into a parking lot!"

Undertaker: "Umm, If I said 'rest In peace', would that come across as kitschy?"

Jim Ross: "I'm convinced that Tim actually died of a broken heart.... well that, and a functioning gun."

Vince McMahon: "Tim White would have wanted the PPV to go on. He would too! I’m telling you, HE and EVERY other wrestler would want the show to go on! And if they don’t, well, I guess you’ll never know. Heh heh. Hey, wait. Edit that part out and add something about WWE being a “family”. OK? SUPER."

HHH: “Hell-uh…in a Cell-uh!....”

Anyway, it got pretty stupid from there….

Juventud vs. Kid Kash: Cruiserweight Title Match.

I love how once they cut away from a SUICIDE, Cole & Tazz automatically segue into happily promoting the next match as if nothing happened. With that type of compassion, it's a good thing these particular guys weren't around during the Holocaust. "I'd like to talk about the attempted decimation of entire race we've just witnessed here tonight, and the horrors perpetrated on humanity by the Nazi's, but first, let's hear what Ed "Strangler Lewis has to say about tonight's big match!"...

Anyway, this is for Juvi's cruiserweight title. But unfortunately for these two, Tim White isn't the only thing dead here, as the crowd has apparently followed him into that dark void as well.

This was not a bad match per se, but suffered due to the aforementioned crowd, and also the fact that even cruiserweights are expected to work WWE’s uninteresting plodding heavyweight style now. Good thing Juvi has his great promos to fall back on! I'd tell you what he was actually saying, but when I put my TV on Closed Caption to find out, it stopped half way through and told me to go fuck myself. Oh well.

Anyway, business eventually picks up when Kash hits a really nice double jump Mero sault, but he lands on Juvi’s knees. Juvi continues to dominate, getting a nearfall with a stiff Tajiri-like kick to Kash’s chest after rolling through a sunset flip attempt. Right on. More Mexican immigrants could learn a thing from Juvi. I GUARANTEE you'd move way more lettuce alongside the highway if you just fucking kicked a Gringo in the chest first. From there, Juvi delivers a super hurricanrana from the top, a northern lights suplex, and finally the Juvi Driver but Kash still kicks out. Crowd is now chanting “end this match!” Hey, where were these people when Steph & HHH were getting married? Ah, I kid. From there, Juvi drags Kash over to the corner and misses a rolling senton, allowing Kash to recover, pick up Juvi and finish with a brain buster to win the title. But hey, since it's Juvi we're talking about, a guy who once got stoned on Ecstasy and attacked Police completely naked, I doubt it's possible to bust his brain. It's a write-off at this point.

Winner and new champion: Kid Kash. In a side note, according to the recent Observer newsletter, Juventud has been suggesting some pretty stupid creative scenarios for himself to WWE. One was a talk show of “Highlight Reel” ilk (despite the fact Juvi's about as familiar with English as Rosie O'Donnell is with male genitalia...well, besides her own) called “the Juice is loose”. Of course not to be confused with "The Juice is hidden". The official talk show of the impending WWE Wellness program!

Sean's note from 2006: Hey, turns out they actually enforced the Wellness program somewhat, as was evident by the rapid deterioration of Chris Masters' physique. Either that, or 'The Masterpiece' accidentally ran over a Gypsy's daughter. Hey, could happen!"

-Royal Rumble ad airs satirizing Julius Caesar. Vince is addressed as the Über original “Vince Caesar” (Your WWE creative dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!). He is flanked by Shane, Stephanie and Linda in similar Roman garb. Vince Caesar declares that there will be a “Royal Rumblus”, and in the end of the sketch, Shane stabs Vince in the back as he cries out “Et tu Shanicus!” Stephanie was never addressed by name during the skit, but I would assume she’d be known as Implantus Maximus (despite the fact silicone would not be invented for 2400 more years) while her mother, Linda, would obviously be re-christened Charismas Minimus. HHH or “Pushus Uninteruptus” was left out from the family scene for some reason. That’s too bad.

Big Show & Kane vs. “Wounded Filthy Animals” Batista & Rey Mysterio : Champions Vs. Champions;

For the record, this is a battle between both brand's Tag team Champions, but neither belt is on the line, because they're two completely separate companies and that'd be absurd!!!!! Ya.

However, I must say I enjoyed having Show back on SmackDown, if only for one night, because at least it allowed Cole to once again break out a myriad of size related parables. “His chops are like frying pans! His head is like typewriter! His ass is like a Dutch Oven! You can push a hard boiled egg through one of his rings! Don’t you dare even think about buying this guy jewelry, it’s RIDICULOUS!” You get the idea....

Anyway, Big Show and Batista lock up, and Show shrugs DAVE off rather easily. Show then does it again without much effort. From there, DAVE tries to knock Show down with a shoulder block, but that doesn’t work, so Batista, perplexed as what to do next, turns to Rey Mysterio for advice. Hey, what? Ya, when you want to knock a 500 pound man off his feet with physical force alone, you turn to the advice of a 5’4” guy. Sounds like a solid plan.

Anyway, Batista finally takes Show down after a couple of clotheslines and tags to Rey. Rey flusters both big men for the next few minutes, until Rey looks to have Kane set up for the 619. However, as he bounced to the ropes, Show grabbed his foot, dragged him to the floor and posted him. Show/Kane dominate at this point, and Show mocks Batista by waving Rey’s hand at him for a tag. Show tags back out to Kane, who attempts a choke-slam, but Rey counters that into a bulldog. Batista has about enough of waiting for the tag, and just comes in and kills Show and Kane with a pair of spinebusters. SHADES OF SOMEONE WHO IN NO WAY RESEMBLES ARN ANDERSON. Got to love the spinebuster. Wrestling's 2nd greatest hold of pure hyperbole (the atomic drop is first, invented by German scientists who first split the atom... then grabbed the first lab guy they saw and dropped him across their knee in thunderous fashion. True story.).

Anyway, after not so literally busting the spines of the giants, he takes Show (and himself) out and over with a clothesline. Rey then drops Kane with a drop toe hold, and follows up with the 619. Rey then looks for the springboard seated senton, but Kane catches him in a powerbomb position, and quickly transitions that into a huge chokeslam for the win. And Kane wanted to be a father last year? Well he failed his first test tonight. A tiny person jumping enthusiastically into his arms, and his first instinct is to drive them into the ground? Ya, not good.