OCEANS OF HURT: THE PLIGHT OF
AQUAMAN: THE WORLD'S MOST
UNRELIABLE SUPER-HERO.
[The
following was originally written in 2003, before every asshole and his
brother jumped on the Anti-Aquaman
bandwagon...].
You
know who my heart goes out to? Aquaman. Although, I've
always been of the school (HIYO) of thought that it
should be written as "AQUA-MAN", and not "AQUAMAN". I
mean, the guy isn't Jewish. Although, he may have
natural a disposition towards gefilte fish given the
sheer amount of time spent in the Ocean. But my point
stands. Whatever that is. "Oy! Hershel Shlomo Aquaman,
you better hurry your tookas up, or we'll all be late
for Synagogue!"
Anyway, my point is, and yes,
there is one, is that Aquaman is not the world's most
reliable Super-Hero. Have a pesky "crime issue" leagues
under the sea? He's definitely your man. Everywhere
else? He's just an asshole is a one-piece orange fish
unitard, walking around like you and I, his
reinforcements completely negated. I mean, I *guess*
there's chance that he could somehow channel a goldfish
to rock his fucking bowl until it tipped over and fell
on a criminal's head, thus knocking them out; but how
many muggers, burglars, rapists and thieves are standing
directly under a fishbowl? You see my point. He brings
nothing to the table. Other than a pretty delectable
assortment of Seafood. He has great access, after all.
But it's not really Aqua's fault, you'd think
that comic writers would have seen potential issues
coming...
Comic Book Writer
#1: "Ok, Ok, we HAVE Superman. He can fly, pick
up heavy objects and melt shit with eyes. And we have
Batman. He has neat little weapons, cloaks himself is
darkness, and is a brilliant detective. But what would
happen if either of these two suddenly found themselves
in the Ocean!"
Comic Book
Writer #2: "Wait. why would they be the Ocean?
What's in the Ocean? Who'd EVER want to start any sort
of shit there?"
Comic
Book Writer #1: "Good point. But let's just say,
just to be safe, we create a super-hero who'll have that
base covered; we'll call him AQUAMAN. And he'll swim. My
god will he swim."
Comic Book
Artist #2: "But everyone can swim, pretty
much."
Comic Artist
#1: "But not as fast as this
guy!"
Comic Book Artist
#2: "What about Superman? He's pretty fast. Plus,
he can breathe in space, so water shouldn't be an issue.
Hell, if Flash can run that fast, he could probably swim
pretty fast, too..."
Comic
Book Artist #1: "Jesus Christ. You're right.
Well, we'll just keep those assholes out of the drink,
and give Aquaman the ability to, umm, wait, I got it!
He'll be able to TALK TO
FISH."
Comic Book
Artist #2: "Wait. What will that
accomplish?"
Comic Book
Artist #1: "I don't know. Jesus. They'll squawk a
lot and splash around. It'll be irritating. I don't
know."
Comic Book Artist
#2: "You know what? Why not? Maybe people will
buy a few issues of this thing before they figure out
how fucking stupid it
is...."
....50 Years
later
Comic Booker Artist
#1: "Soooo, what if we gave him a beard, and a
big fucking Trident?"
Comic
Booker Artist # 2: "GOLD!"
So, ya,
that's Aquaman in a nutshell, or crab-shell as it were.
I feel for his ridiculous plight. Really, I do. In fact,
given the sheer uselessness of Aqua sans water, you've
got to wonder why he was ever even inducted into the
Justice League in the first place. I can just picture
the awkwardness:
Superman: "Lex Luthor and the
Legion Of Doom have unfurled a scheme that could see
life as we know it come to and end!"
Batman: "Ok, guys. You heard,
Supes. SUIT UP."
Aquaman: "Umm, question. Does this
"evil plot" by any chance take place near any bodies of
water?"
Superman:
"Nope."
Aquaman:
*"sigh* well, I'll be in my room if anyone needs
me."
Flash: "Ya, we'll
call you if one of us falls into a fucking lake or
something."
Green
Arrow: "Ya, and maybe while we're gone, you can
get some of your Dolphin buddies to fetch us some
take-out or something. We'll probably be hungry when we
get back."
Justice
League: Hahahahaha. (in unison, whilst pointing
at Aqua-Man).
Aquaman:
"I hate my life."
Poor Aquaman. At least Namor
has super strength.
But on the other hand,
Aquaman does get to at least wear pants, unlike
Submariner, who's forever cursed to be housed only in a
pair of scaly underoos for eternity, dressed like the
gay pool boy of fucking Neptune. And ya, Aqua will at
least always have someone to talk to. Even if all he
ever hears is "gargle, blump, blump." That's
something... I
guess.
Sean Carless is a man
of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
