By Sean
Carless.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that
Hollywood is out of
ideas. It's true. And even though Theater
attendance is obviously down, there are still imbeciles who go out
and continue to buy tickets to
garbage, perpetuating certain moronic elements
of this industry so the studios will keep churning out
mindless A.D.D. garbage featuring Yakuza's drag racing,
remakes of remakes, Epic Super-Hero
Date Movies, and whatever bullshit
faggoty-feminized funboy-fest movie teenaged girls
force Daddy to pay for, thus perpetuating the
fallacy that they and their vapidly cavernous opinions
even matter in society. I hate all of these people.
Even though, I'm one of them. What? Little
Man had so much promise! He's
like a baby, you see,-- only with full-sized
adult genitals! It's
HILARIOUS~!
But, seriously, the
fact that there’s actually a movie out there right
now depicting one of history’s most deplorable
characters, Marie Antoinette,
as a misunderstood party girl--and the fact that
the omnipresent pubescent rat-mustachioed Orlando
Bloom EVEN CONTINUES TO EXIST in this industry-- is
proof positive that if Korea is really thinking
of launching nuclear missiles like the government says,
they might as well target them at Hollywood just to do
us one huge favor. Maybe then, someone will crawl out of
the radioactive debris, collect whatever limbs they
have left, and make a movie that doesn’t make me
want to take the straw from my overpriced huge movie
cola and drive it straight into my eyes just to end
the fucking
misery.
Anyway, the easiest
money in Hollywood in the last decade (or longer) seems
to be in the adaptation of comics/ cartoons/ video
games. And therein is where I come in. Through
your bedroom window. Whilst you slumber. (I raped
you.).
Recently, I learned
that they were making a live-action version of
Transformers-- easily my favorite childhood cartoon/toy
line. I was very happy at this news at first, because
much like most fans, deep down I want to see my favorite
character(s) adapted into full size real-life
likenesses-- and not because I need new storylines when
I play with my toys because I'm a desperately pathetic
man-child with no hope of procreating. Not
even. However, I ultimately had
reservations. For whatever reason, often
times, Hollywood directors and
screenwriters choose not to follow the canon of the
story they’re adapting, and often change many of the
most important aspects for no real reason other than
because they think they can tell a better story, or
somehow, make it more relatable and relevant to an
audience that just won't ever appreciate the nuances of
GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS THAT
CAN TRANSFORM BLOWING SHIT UP. I mean,
really. No one wants to see He-Man and his fucking furry
loin-cloth trying to awakwardly fit in in New York. And
I don't want to see Optimus Prime take a backseat to
marines trying to get home to see their first born
children. Jesus. It's not rocket science. It's real
science! The kind of science where a 8000 pound robot
can turn into a cassette player and be picked up by
humans, just because.
But hey, I will give it a chance as
I have all movies of its ilk. Even if Michael Bay is
attached to the film (instead of say a flaming
cross like I'd wish); and even
if this image of
Megatron (the lead villain in the
series) is the end result. So what if he was an
asshole for a mouth, I decided -- whilst crying on the
inside. I mean, Unicron was one giant vagina that
devoured everything in its path (much like an ex of
mine), right? So maybe he's in good company as
far as gaping assholes for mouths go. I'm an
optimist. And a Megatronist.
Maybe, once I see it in
glorious motion, I won't be as disgusted
and forget all about my disdain. (Just like I tell the
ladies about my penis.). Time will tell. And not be kind
to my me.
With
that all said, all this talk of the live action
Transformers and the potential pratfalls got me thinking
of all the other adaptations that I have
watched; and the many, MANY that I have been tortured
by. And thus, I formulated my official Top (Bottom?) 10
offenders. And I’ll be truthful, I am in no way
proclaiming that *my* choices are inequitably right--
even if they actually are and I'm just sparing your
feelings-- but am instead just listing the
films (as previously mentioned, adapted from comic
books, cartoons or video games) that I personally would
sooner perform hara-kari on myself with my obscenely
gigantic universal remote, than ever try and watch again
unless it features
nudity.
As for the criteria, mine is simple. It HAD to be a movie that had a
significant budget and/or high expectations by the fans
and releasing studios only to then completely
disappoint. After all, it’d be pretty easy to put
the 1991 release of Captain America on this list--
but let’s be honest, the contents of your desk
probably cost more money than that giant abomination.
Ah. If only there was a "Super Serum" to help you die
with dignity. If only.
Onto the
list!
10. DAREDEVIL. (2003) Starring Ben
Affleck.
First off, I understand the
Director’s cut is significantly better, but I am going
on the theatrical version here, so bear with me. And hey, I’m not
going to lie, Daredevil was never one of my favorite
characters in Marvel, but still I was intrigued
originally to see how they would go about telling
the story of a blind man who becomes an ass-kicking
super hero. Because, let’s face it, unless they’re
hiding it pretty well, most blind people
just stumble around or at the most play the piano in
enthusiastic fashion. They don’t kick the fuck out of
people with a telescopic walking stick or suddenly have
the innate ability to do full gainers from roof-tops.
Because if they could, why, they’d just
take your money, rather than begging for it on
a subway or in front of a liquor store. Just saying.
Anyway, it is at least somewhat
loyal to the character's origins, as Matt Murdoch
(DD’s alter-ego) is blinded as a child by the great old
comic standby: RADIOACTIVE
WASTE! Yes sir. I don’t know about you, but they
sure seem to transport this shit a lot in the comic book
world. Only luckily, in comic-land, it bestows you
with "powers" and "abilities", instead of poisoning you
and completely obliterating you from the inside out with
ravenous cancer. So hey, if you ever see a truck with this
symbol, don’t
be afraid! Hell, take a bath in it! You’ll become superhuman, and definitely won’t die
horribly from ravenous cancer whilst bleeding from
every orifice. Trust me.
With that said, after
explaining how and when Murdoch went blind, they don’t
bother to EVER EXPLAIN HOW A
STRUGGLING LAWYER WHO ONLY WORKS PRO-BONO CAN AFFORD
TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF
BLIND-ASS-KICKING EQUIPMENT. In addition to
just how he became so adept at fighting and acrobatics.
I mean, you don’t see Stevie Wonder doing full twirling
cannonballs from the rafters of churches, do you? A
little explanation would be
nice.
Other than the complete lack of
realistically explaining DD’s back-story, my only other
issue is Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin. And it’s not
that Duncan is not up to the
task-- but instead because that I just don’t
want to see the loveable John Coffey ordering hits on
people. Although, a scene with him gently cradling
Bullseye's head, crying profusely may have made it
better. Yesa Bossa.
9. THE PUNISHER. (1989) Starring
Dolph Lundgren.
I for one really liked the 2004
version, but the less that is said about this one, the
better. Dolph Lundrgren and 2 tins of shoe
polish stars as former All-American cop
(at least that's what he is in this film) Frank Castle.
Wait. Dolph
Lundgren? All
American? Jesus. I always get a kick out of
movies where obvious Europeans have extremely
white-bread anglicized names. (Look no further than the
bulk of Arnold Schwarzenegger's films for this
phenomenon. Jack Slater? With a fucking
Austrian accent? Surrrrre.).
Anyway, as you’d expect, Castle’s
family is savagely murdered, and he goes bat-shit
insane, and turns to vigilantism. He also starts living
in the sewers, because, apparently, a cop’s salary
doesn’t pay you enough to rent a hotel room to fucking
house your vigilante base of operations. And for the
record, the iconic skull doesn’t even appear in this
film. I guess producers felt it wasn’t very realistic.
You know, unlike a 6’5” Swedish dude who can barely
speak English playing a Mid-western American. But
hey, at least The Punisher more than lives up to his
name here. Too bad it’s the audience he’s doing it to.
8. STEEL. (1997) Starring Shaquille
O'Neal.
Do I even need to go into why this
is on my list?
This cinematic masterpiece features
Shaq (dear lord) as “Steel”, a character developed for
DC during the Death of Superman storyline. However, bar
Shaq’s real life tattoo, this film has nothing to do
with the Man of Steel. In this
version, Shaq is… a weapons designer? Holy
shit. I’ll let that sink in for a
minute.
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Ok, then. I
don’t think I’m being cruel when I say that I can’t
imagine Shaq designing anything.
Seriously, I just can’t picture a 7 foot 300 pound
clumsy motherfucker exactly having the "light
touch" needed to develop complex machinery. Anyway,
Shaq eventually sees gang members using his weapons, and
decides to take a stand. So, he builds himself a suit of
armor to gain an edge? Huh. Some would think a hulking,
towering, muscle-bound black guy would be intimidating
enough. But I guess I was wrong. Soon 'Steel' is born,
and to say it’s comical is an understatement. Poor Steel
looks like Robo Cop’s severely brain damaged younger
brother with a mouth full of marbles. Anyway, the whole
thing kind of falls apart from there (imagine that). But
not before making fun of O’Neal’s real-life issues with
free throws!!!! Man, I hate when movies do this. It
seems like every movie starring an athlete ends up
somehow incorporating a sports trademark into the actual
film, regardless of out of place and ridiculous it is.
Hell, they even had the fucking Scorpion King giving
Rock-Bottoms in ancient Egypt for
Christ sakes.
So of course Shaq saves the day when he finally
sinks a basket (so to speak).
Oh ya, for the record, the whole
thing bombed. Like Hiroshima levels. It’s
funny when people find more credibility in
you as giant rapping Genie than an action star.
Poor Shaq.
7. Tie: DOUBLE DRAGON (1994)
Starring Scott Wolf from Party of Five; and STREET
FIGHTER (1994). Starring Jean-Claude Van
Damme.
Dear God in heaven. Most movies
adapted from video games have two things in common. 1)
They almost always STINK and 2) they always completely
deviate from the storyline. These two are no
exception.
Double Dragon stars
Scott Wolf, who took time out from his busy schedule
of gently waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt to be
“ready” for intercourse (as was prevalent in all teenage
shows of the 90’s) and holding his struggling family
together on Party of Five, to playing one of the Lee
brothers here. The whole thing is built around the
somewhat estranged brothers each having a half of a
magical medallion, and wait for it…HAVING TO PUT THEIR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND
WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THE MAGIC WORK AND DEFEAT THE
FORCES OF EVIL! It’s an exciting plot that’s only
been 
used
a thousand times before. Throw in the fact that the
special effects used here make The Power Rangers
look like fucking Star Wars in comparison, and you can
understand my disdain. Even T-2 himself, Robert
Patrick, and Alyssa Milano in the tightest blue t-shirt
in creation couldn't save this abortion. Hell, they
even fucked up ABOBO, something that cannot be
fucked up. I mean, holy shit, how hard is it to find a
giant muscular bald dude with an unnaturally
huge head and a mustache? Shave off the skullet,
and The Hulkster may have fit the bill. Oh well. All I
know is, even the mystical magic of the re-combined
Double Dragon medallion, a power that can
apparently cause the destruction of all forces and
manners of evil, still couldn’t somehow utilize the
tiniest shred of KUNG-FU BLACK MAGIC
to cause me to somehow, someway, even remotely
give a fuck. I still rubbed one out to Milano, though.
And boy did the usher get
pissed.
Now for Street Fighter. While Mortal
Kombat (the original) wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane--
Citizen Kane with giant anthropoid Kung-Fu human
dragons-- or even CITIZENS ON PATROL, at
least it didn’t deviate
that far from the video game canon. You
know, unlike this cinematic equivalent of being
hot-boxed in a truck-stop bathroom. First of all, Ryu
(the main character from the game) is pushed aside for
Guile, played by “thespian extraordinaire” Jean-Claude
Van Damme-- whose acting is so wooden here, he should be
for sale in an Amish furniture store. A store filled
with Belgians who can't act! or something! At least
they could have stayed true to form
and given Jean Claude the impossibly huge yellow
high-top. Which, at least, would give him a real
advantage in combat. While his foes are laughing at his
ridiculous head, it can give him just that much more
time to deliver a standing spin-kick while they just
stand there and don't even attempt to block for 45
seconds. You know-- like in EVERY FUCKING VAN DAMME
MOVIE EVER.
Anyway, instead
of the tournament setting, the “good guys”
here set off on a mission to stop M. Bison’s
tyranny. (Bison is played by the talented Raul Julia,
who died literally after making this movie. And no, it
wasn’t suicide. Although I can’t say I’d have blamed him
here).
The whole thing of course ends up
with yet another phony-assed Van Damme martial arts
showdown. God bless Jean-Claude. Long before UFC
completely exposed Karate, Van Damme was here to somehow
convince us that possessing the ability to do the splits
on two stumps makes you an unbeatable
martial-artist. “Oh no! He’s hovering his balls in
midair, precariously balanced on two chairs! We should
run away! Or not even attempt to block his
impending bullet-time wheel kicks!"
6. SHEENA. (1984) Starring
Tanya Roberts (Charlie’s Angels, Donna’s mom on That
70’s
Show).
Hey, I know
it’s not adapted from a really famous comic, but it’s on
my list for stealing my life for two hours. Hell, even
the copious amounts of nudity were shameless. So much so
that I could barely repeatedly masturbate to
it.
Anyway, this movie HAS to be seen to
be believed. Starring Tanya Roberts, fresh off a similar
role in BEASTMASTER (a film where the namesake character
has a symbiotic link to animals after being given birth
to by a cow. Seriously. However they never do explain if
in fact this means his old man fucked a cow. Not that I
want to know...) and is now portraying Sheena, the young daughter of a
white couple on Safari in Africa, who die, and leave her
to be raised by the locals-- most notably an African
woman named Shaman. Yes, Shaman. In AFRICA. I think it’s fairly safe to
assume that the writers here never took History or
Geography. Next thing you know, they’ll write a movie
about an Indian chief named
Moliqua.
Fast forward twenty years, and
Sheena is now suddenly able to ride zebras in slow
motion bareback and of course possess the
ability to understand and communicate with animals; some
of which are even miles away. This is of course a
trait that all Africans
possess. Or not. I don't know. All I do know is, get a
few of these fucking psychic Kenyan's to lull a few
animals into a false sense of security,
and we can finally END STARVATION
in Africa for good!. Clearly, World Vision really needs
to move forward with this plan,
rather than unpacking countless boxes of Kraft dinner
from crates for the starving locals. I'm telling
you.
So, with that said, to make a
(painfully) long story short, a reporter played by Ted
Wass, (the father on Blossom, years before she would set
down the path to frumpy lesbianism) shows up, and this
strange white skinned man baffles Sheena. At one point,
she notices his chest hair and is marveled by it.
Despite the fact that her shimmering smooth body didn’t
exactly get that way without a little help from Mr.
razor (discounting the fact Lady Bics are kind of
hard to come by in the middle of the fucking Serengeti).
The whole climax as you’d imagine, involves Sheena
looking to a series of animals to help stop the bad
guys, while Ted Wass never questions just how the fuck
that’s possible, or better yet, how & when a
reputable plastic surgeon made his way to the middle
of Buttfuck Africa to give Sheena her obvious
breast implants.
5. SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993)
Starring Bob
Hoskins.
Long before Bob Hoskins was selling
an emotionally broken Jet Li into human cock fighting,
he was Mario Mario, one of two plumbing brothers (along
with John Leguizamo as Luigi) who get sucked into a
parallel world, where humans are descended from lizards
instead of primates, laws of nature be
damned.
Anyway, as one would expect,
adapting a story of two obese Italian plumbers who stomp
on turtles and mushrooms with eyes would be difficult as
far as believability is concerned, but still, a straight
adaptation would have ended up being more credible than
what we got. Thank God they’re plumbers, that’s all I
can say. At least they’re used to be surrounded by
unending shit. And the shame is, it really wasn’t
even about Mario, the most iconic and celebrated
character in Nintendo history. Instead, it’s
fucking Luigi who gets the girl here. I don’t think
I’m exaggerating when I say that no one gives a fuck
about Luigi (bar in Super Mario 2 the game, where he was
arguable the best character, game-play wise.). In fact,
if you were ever Luigi in the game, it was likely only
because your asshole brother chose Mario first on two
player mode. But still, here’s Luigi, getting all the
glory, pussy and more. Maybe the poor hapless bastard
has it coming after playing second banana to Mario for
25 years, but still. To me, Luigi ranks up high on the
list of brothers who only exist because of their more
famous siblings, sandwiched somewhere between Frank
Stallone and Daniel Baldwin.
Plot wise, the movie wasn't that
much better. The whole thing was built on Koopa (played
by a very human Dennis Hopper, who probably just thought
he was a giant lizard ) using a weapon that causes
people to de-evolve to a brainless and primitive
state. No word on whether he tested it first on the
majority of posters on most message boards across this
country. Although, it would explain a few
things.
The Mario's of
course end up saving the day, and Mario gets to
hook up with a morbidly obese Puerto Rican woman while
the aforementioned Luigi gets the hotty, Daisy. Poor
Mario. If there was ever a time to hear that ‘your
princess was in another castle’, this was definitely it.
All of a sudden that non-moving lava is looking pretty
fucking good.
4. SUPERMAN 4: The Quest for
the end of the
franchise Peace. (1987) Starring
Christopher
Reeve.
Poor Supes.
This was actually the movie that single-handedly
destroyed the franchise for almost 20 years and would be
Reeve’s last appearance as the Man of Steel (and not
just because he kept getting his cape caught in his
chair). And here’s the reason why: Reeve would
apparently only do it if he himself got to write the
storyline. And what's that storyline, you ask?
Ridding the world of those darn nukes, of course! Yes
sir. Superman is now an environmental crusader~! And sure,
one could say “so what if someone launches Nukes?
Superman could easily catch them, or worst case
scenario, prevent tragedy by once again turning back
time by reversing the rotation of the Earth!” …which as
we all know, always turns back
time, and doesn’t suck everyone in the world up
into a violent vortex and fling them simultaneously into
orbit. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh ya. Superman
disposing of Nuclear weapons into the deep reaches of
space. Too bad he didn’t launch this script into the
dark void as well. Could have saved us some
grief.
Anyway, out of all
this, Lex Luthor creates his own rival for Superman by
harnessing "the power of the sun". He then names the
villain "Nuclear Man". Huh. For a super genius, he
sure doesn’t seem to know fuck all about what "Nuclear"
actually means. Oh well. "Sun Man" doesn't exactly roll
off the tongue, I guess.
From there, things backfire,
Superman has to thwart Nuclear Man before he destroys
the world, deposit Luthor back into Prison, and
orchestrate his next earth friendly agenda: to
responsibly recycle glass bottles and
newspapers! Stay tuned for this and more
in Superman 5: The Quest for Composting! "They're a
great people, Kal-El. If they choose to
be. They just lack the light to show them
how to properly separate their plastics from their
papers".
3. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. (1987)
Starring Dolph
Lundgren.
Good Ol’ Ivan Drago
makes the list twice. But this time it wasn’t entirely
his fault. I doubt the producers here had EVER
even watched He-Man. But hey, as much as I loved
the old MOTU cartoon, I’ll even admit it had a few
flaws. I
mean, Prince Adam wasn’t exactly the best incognito
costume ever. He was basically the same muscle
bound asshole with a pudding basin haircut, only
he wore a pink vest with a white undershirt
whilst "incognito". And yes, no one
recognized him. Sadly this doesn’t seem to work
in real life. Just the other day I put on a *completely
different* shirt and pair of pants, and strangely people
still recognized me! I must be doing it
wrong. Maybe if I had a sword. Or a Prince Valium
haircut. Maybe.
All kidding aside, this movie just
didn’t even remotely resemble He-Man in any shape or
form. Also, it suffered from my two least favorite
adaptation pitfalls: a) It introduces characters out of
thin air that never existed in the base material; and b)
it takes place in the REAL world. And by "Real World", I
mean , our world, and not the MTV series.
Although, that would have been much better if only for
the interaction of He-Man and Skeletor arguing pool-side
in Bermuda shorts.
Anyway, this
plot device, bringing fantasy characters into our world,
is something SO many producers do. They feel as if we
movie-goers just won’t relate to a fantasy world without
bringing real world douche-bags into it. For the record,
these ‘real world’ people in question include a very
young pre-Friends Courtney Cox. If only Chandler was in this,
too. It might have made it somewhat more bearable if
only to hear him utter to He-Man “Could your mullet
BE anymore
ridiculous?”
The story itself sees He-Man and the
gang transported to Earth, along with Skeletor and his
minions Beast Man and
Evil Lyn-- the latter of which obviously never had a
choice but to go into the villain racket with a
name like that. They
then all fight over a device that opens
inter-dimensional portals through combinations of music.
Dear God. Maybe they should have just had fucking
Man-at-Arms grab an Accordion and hope for the
best. He already had the fucking
polka mustache for it.
And if that’s
all not bad enough, there’s really not anything all
that captivating about He-Man himself. His sword
possesses no magic, he’s not wearing his trademark giant
furry diaper, and Battle Cat (Eternia’s only openly
homosexual utility vehicle) is NOWHERE to be seen. What
a waste. Even Skeletor was a let down. And sadly, the
poor guy never really seemed to recover after this one.
(see here).
2. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
Starring George Clooney & Chris
O’Donnell.
In just two movies, Joel Schumacher
managed to accomplish what Joker, The Penguin and the
Riddler could not: He completely murdered Batman.
And hey, as much as I like rubber bat-suit nipples and
extreme close ups of Batman’s cock in his
rubber codpiece while “suiting up”, I just can’t
buy his “version” of the Caped Crusader no matter how
many times I try. I think I even remember the exact
moment I lost faith in his direction. It was in the
preceding Batman Forever, where BATMAN SHOWS UP TO A FUCKING COCKTAIL
PARTY. Call me crazy, but Batman tends to lose a
wee bit of his intimidation edge when you know he’s
just some asshole in a suit, drinking Brandy Alexander's
with a bunch of rich douche-bags. "Tell us, Bats, what's
your take on this morning's NASDAQ? Pork-bellies or
Gold?".
With that said, this was beyond bad,
with more characters haphazardly stuffed into the movie
than a fucking circus clown-car. From Ah-nuld
as Mr. Freeze to Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, they were
all here, and I couldn’t give a shit. Hell, even Batgirl
showed up (as played by Alicia Silverstone). And hey, if
an untrained diminutive valley girl can kick your
ass, I think it’s time to find a new profession, because
“arch criminal” just ain’t for you. And of course, in
truly sappy fashion, Batman, Robin & Batgirl all
join forces in the end, and as a united FAMILY stop the
bad guys. They then go onto to form a traveling family
folk band. Ok, maybe not. But maybe they should. They’ve
already emasculated Batman enough already. Hey, there’s
another looming shot of his balls! What gives!?
Fucking Schumacher.
1. CATWOMAN. (2004) Starring Halle
Berry’s tits.
Ah, Catwoman, the movie. Basically,
it’s just your run of the mill “fashion designer gets
murdered by her boss then strangely gains advanced
martial arts ability and superhuman cat-like reflexes”
story. What, you’ve never heard that one? Well there’s a
reason. This Catwoman stinks. In fact, it’s so
mind-bogglingly terrible that real cats would be
compelled to bury it in the sand, if you know what I
mean.
To me this is the prototype of a
failed adaptation. Just who the hell was this aimed at?
Comic book fans? I don’t think so. It strayed so far
from the source material to draw any of them. Young
girls? I’d think the abysmal bombing of Elektra and the
2nd Charlie’s Angels proves that
action is not a genre teenage girls often care about. So
if not them, then who? Halle Berry
herself? Maybe. The fact the
base canon for Catwoman was so altered makes me
seriously wonder. The fact is, Catwoman was aimed at no
one and the box office proved it. Basically, the entire
marketing was based entirely around seeing Halle
Berry in a
tiny rubber suit. And for those of us who suffered
through the intolerable Swordfish and John Travolta's
disturbing hair-helmet, we already know there’s
much better source material for Halle
skin out there, and
believe me, I’ve donated enough DNA to repopulate the
Earth twenty times over after watching them. (I CREATED
MY OWN CAT-SCRATCH POLE!)
The thing is, I’d probably accept
(but never watch) this film had it been called anything
but Catwoman. Because nothing was the same. Nothing. Murdered
fashion designers don’t come back as Vigilantes. If they
did, we’d be see Versace swinging from the roof tops
right now in a fucking domino
mask.
And therein lays my entire point for
doing this list in the first place; if you’re going to
adapt a movie, stick to the story.
If you want to improve it, tell the story BETTER, don’t
change it completely. The most successful adaptations,
(Spiderman for example) don’t tend to stray too far from
the source material. Hell, Peter Jackson didn’t input
Rock music, or have Frodo go through a fucking time
portal in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He stuck to the
material relatively closely and brought the whole
sweeping saga to life. That’s ALL the fans ask for.
But often the
movie-makers NEVER listen. Next thing you know,
they’ll remake “The Greatest Story Ever Told” and
this time, they'll have the Savior
transported to modern day New York City where he'll
get into all sorts of "hilarious" fish-out-of-water
(cloned X 500!) sight-gag hi-jinks like
getting his robe caught in an escalator or being thrown
out of a restaurant for wearing
sandals. Jesus. (no pun
intended.).
Special mentions go
to the following films that just missed the
cut:
BARBWIRE: Sure Pamela Anderson has
more plastic upstairs than the entire first line of
He-Man toys, but hey, who couldn't get behind Pamela
Anderson? Or more so, who hasn't? Her nether regions
probably look like a disheveled sleeping bag by
now.
THE HULK: Some people loved it.
Some people hated it. I’m kind of indifferent to Ang
Lee’s vision. But at least there was no part where the
father and son Hulks stop in mid-leap to exchange some
gravity defying mid-air karate.
JUDGE DREDD: Sylvester Stallone
is Da LAWR. He's the Judge, Jury, and the
Executioner. The last of which is a sentence you wish
he'd carry out on you after watching this movie.
FLINTSTONES: I wasn’t the biggest
Flintstones fan when I was a kid, mostly on the account
that it seriously pissed me off with the NERVE
those household pets had in locking Fred out of his
own home, but who’s idea was it casting Rosie
O’Donnell as Betty Rubble? I know dude's who had a
thing for Betty, so this was disturbing on multiple
levels not related to being a sick fuck who's attracted
to cartoon characters. Man. I can’t imagine the
casting session here. “You know what this movie needs to
sell more tickets?
An Overweight dumpy lesbian who alienates
men. MAKE IT
HAPPEN."
SCOOBY-DOO: Freddie Prinze
Jr. in a fucking ascot dickie = MONEY. And by “money” I
mean the complete opposite of that. In fact, I'm
pretty sure they had to invent a bizarro currency just
to calculate the money this shit-pile
earned. Plus, come on. It’s been thirty
years. The bad guy’s wearing a mask. Holy
shit.
POPEYE: Spinach gives him strength.
Copious amounts of alcohol likely gives him the
courage to have sex with the broomstick with a praying
mantis head that is Shelly Duvall as Olive Oil. It's no
wonder his forearms are so fucking huge. Yours would be
too if you masturbated as much as Popeye did to avoid
getting the urge to put his junk inside Olive
Oil. Dear God.
ALONE IN THE DARK: Uwe Boll needs
to die in a fire. Seriously. Tara Reid as a brilliant
Archeologist? Ya, I'll buy that. Bitch somehow botched a
New Year's countdown, yet, she has the knowledge to
remember every nuance of a long dead Indian
civilization? Priorities, baby.
Priorities.
DOOM: Mildly amusing if
only for the Rock’s mid-movie heel turn. But what of the
poor Marines? These guys are always so poorly
represented in movies where there’s a non-human threat.
Why do they even bother showing up? Man. They never fare
well, despite initially being represented as
Earth's best hope to eradicate the enemy. Yet, the
untrained humans are always the dudes who actually
kill the threat. But hey, keep bringing in those
Marines! Maybe this'll be the time they're not
systematically annihilated by an alien. Jesus. This
shit is as bad as the people who keep showing
up to the parties Angela Lansbury is attending on
Murder she wrote; you know, despite the fact someone
always dies
there.
MORTAL KOMBAT ANNIHILATION: You’ll
wish that Goro had won the first tournament and the
earth was obliterated after watching this. Hell, this
movie did what Shang Tsung could not: drain you of the
fledgling remainder of your immortal
soul.
TOMB RAIDER: Studios banked on
movie goers paying to see Angelina Jolie in a black
unitard. It worked. She looked for jewels. We fondled
ours. It was a beautiful partnership of adventure,
masturbation, Fake British accents, masturbation, mystic
relics, and
masturbation.
SUPERMAN 3: Richard Pryor makes
Supes life miserable. You read that right. Coming soon,
Batman, featuring the combined comic hijinks of Bobcat
Goldthwait and fucking Carrot Top. Carrot produces a
pair of pants with a ball scoop sewn into the crotch.
Alfred helps Batman come up with a serum that
actual makes it
funny.
BATMAN FOREVER: Two words: BAT
NIPPLES. This movie was built entirely around Batman's
acquiring of a sidekick and ward, Dick
Grayson/Robin. In the comics, Batman would
actually go on to take in several young men as his
wards, which never seemed to disturb anybody. I
mean, a revolving door of underage boys and an
almost hermit-like rich guy living in a mansion filled
with gadgets and toys? Hello? It's no wonder Robin
was never allowed to wear pants. It all makes sense
now. Michael Jackson was last seen purchasing a
cape and cowl.
Ok, that's it.
That's my list of can't hit prospects. In time, I have
no doubt , that this list much like my waistline these
days will increase in size. But until then, see you
at the movies! (unless it's one directed by Uwe
Boll. Did I mention he should die in a
fire?).
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap
and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
