By Sean
Carless.
I think it’s pretty safe to say
that Hollywood is out of
ideas. But this doesn’t stop them from churning out
cookie-cutter pieces of shit one after the other anyway
in an attempt to pocket our money with the gentle lure
of continued mediocrity. It's true. And even
though Theater attendance is obviously down, there are
still imbeciles who
go out and continue to buy tickets to
garbage, perpetuating certain moronic elements
of this industry, so the studios will keep churning out
mindless A.D.D. garbage featuring Yakuza's drag racing,
remakes of remakes, Epic Super-Hero
Date Movies, and whatever bullshit
faggoty-feminized funboy-fest movie teenage girls
force Daddy to pay for, thus perpetuating the
fallacy that they and their vapidly cavernous opinions
even matter in society. I hate all of these people.
Even though, I'm one of them. What? Little
Man had so much promise! He's like a baby, only
with full-sized adult genitals! It's
HILARIOUS.
But, seriously, the fact
that there’s actually a movie out there depicting one of
history’s most deplorable characters, Marie
Antoinette, as a misunderstood party girl--and
the fact that the omnipresent pubescent
rat-mustachioed Orlando Bloom EVEN CONTINUES
TO EXIST in this industry-- is proof positive that
if Korea is really thinking of launching
nuclear missiles like the government says, they might as
well target them at Hollywood, just to do us one huge
favor. Maybe then, someone will crawl out of the
radioactive debris, collect whatever limbs they
have left, and make a movie that doesn’t make me
want to take the straw from my overpriced huge movie
cola and drive it into my eyes, just to end the fucking
misery.
Anyway, the easiest money in
Hollywood in the last decade (or longer) seems to be in
the adaptation of comics/ cartoons/ video games. And
therein is where I come
in.
Recently, I learned that they were
making a live-action version of Transformers, easily my
favorite childhood cartoon/toy line. I was very happy at
this news at first, because much like most fans, deep
down I want to see my favorite character(s) adapted into
full size real-life likenesses. However, I
ultimately had reservations. For
whatever reason, often, Hollywood and the directors
and screenwriters times choose not to follow the
canon of the story they’re adapting, and often change
many of the most important aspects for no real reason
other than because they think they can tell a better
story, or somehow, make it more relatable and relevant
to an audience that just won't ever appreciate the
nuances of GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS THAT
CAN TRANSFORM BLOWING SHIT UP. I mean,
really. No one wants to see He-Man and hus fucking furry
loin cloth trying to awakwardly fit in in New York. And
I don't want to see Optimus Prime take a backseat to
marines trying to get home to see their first born
children. Jesus. It's not rocket science. It's real
science! The kind of science where a 8000 pound robot
can turn into a cassette player and be picked up by
humans, just because.
But
hey, I will give it a chance as I have all movies of its
ilk. Even if Michael Bay is attached to the film, and
even if this
image of Megatron (the
lead villain in the series) is the end result. So
what if he was an asshole for a mouth, I decided, crying
on the inside. I mean, Unicron was one giant vagina
that devoured everything in its path (much like an ex of
mine), so maybe he's in good company as far as
ass-end holes for mouths go. I'm an optimist. And a
Megatronist. Maybe,
once I see it in motion, I won't be
as disgusted and forget all about my disdain, I
concluded. Just like I tell the ladies about my
penis.
With that all said, all this talk
of the live action Transformers and the potential
pitfalls got me thinking of all the other adaptations
that I have watched, and the many, MANY that I have been
tortured by. And thus, I formulated my official Top
(Bottom?) 10 offenders. And I’ll be truthful, I am in no
way proclaiming that *my* choices are inequitably
right-- even if they actually are and I'm just sparing
your feelings-- but am instead just listing the
films (as previously mentioned, adapted from comic
books, cartoons or video games) that I personally would
sooner perform hara-kari on myself with my obscenely
gigantic universal remote, than ever try and watch again
unless it features
nudity.
As for
the criteria, mine is simple. It HAD to be a movie that
had a significant budget and/or high expectations by the
fans and releasing studios only to completely
disappoint. After all, it’d be pretty easy to put
the 1991 release of Captain America on this list,
but let’s be honest, the contents of your desk
probably cost more money than that giant abomination.
Ah. If only there was a Super Serum to help you die with
dignity. If only.
Onto
the list!
10. DAREDEVIL. (2003) Starring Ben
Affleck.
First
off, I understand the Director’s cut is significantly
better, but I am going on the theatrical version here,
so bear with me. And hey, I’m not going
to lie, Daredevil was never one of my favorite
characters in Marvel, but still I was intrigued
originally to see how they would go about telling
the story of a blind man who becomes an ass-kicking
super hero. Because, let’s face it, unless they’re
hiding it pretty well, most blind people just
stumble around or at the most play the piano in
enthusiastic fashion. They don’t kick the fuck out of
people with a telescopic walking stick or suddenly have
the innate ability to do full gainers from roof-tops.
Because if they could, why, they’d just take your money, rather than
begging for it on a subway or in front of a liquor
store. Just saying.
Anyway, it is at
least somewhat loyal to the
character's origins, as Matt Murdoch (DD’s
alter-ego) is blinded as a child by the great old comic
standby: RADIOACTIVE WASTE! Yes sir.
I don’t know about you, but they sure seem to transport
this shit a lot in the comic book world. Only luckily,
in comic-land it bestows you with "powers" and
"abilities", instead of poisoning you and completely
obliterating you from the inside out with ravenous
cancer. So hey, if you ever see a truck with this symbol, don’t be
afraid! Hell, take a bath in it! You’ll become
superhuman, and definitely won’t die horribly from
ravenous cancer, bleeding from every orifice. Trust
me.
With
that said, after explaining how and when Murdoch went
blind, they don’t bother to EVER EXPLAIN HOW A STRUGGLING
LAWYER WHO ONLY WORKS PRO-BONO, CAN AFFORD TENS OF
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF EQUIPMENT. In
addition to just how he became so adept at fighting and
acrobatics. I mean, you don’t see Stevie Wonder doing
full twirling cannonballs from the rafters of churches,
do you? A little explanation would be nice.
Anyway, other than the complete
lack of realistically explaining DD’s back-story, my
only other issue is Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin.
And it’s not that Duncan is not up to the
task, but instead because that I just don’t
want to see the loveable John Coffey ordering hits on
people. Although, a scene with him gently cradling
Bullseye's head, crying profusely may have made it
better. Yesa Bossa.
9. THE PUNISHER. (1989) Starring
Dolph Lundgren.
I for
one really liked the 2004 version, but the less that is
said about this one, the better. Dolph Lundrgren and 2
tins of shoe polish stars as
former All-American cop (at least that's what
he is in this film) Frank Castle. Wait. Dolph Lundgren? All
American? Jesus. I always get a kick out of movies
where obvious Europeans have extremely white-bread
anglicized names. (Look no further than the bulk of
Arnold Schwarzenegger's films for this phenomenon. Jack Slater? With a fucking
Austrian accent? Surrrrre.).
Anyway, as you’d expect, Castle’s
family is savagely murdered, and he goes bat-shit
insane, and turns to vigilantism. He also starts living
in the sewers, because, apparently, a cop’s salary
doesn’t pay you enough to rent a hotel room to fucking
house your vigilante base of operations. And for the
record, the iconic skull doesn’t even appear in this
film. I guess producers felt it wasn’t very realistic.
You know, unlike a 6’5” Swedish dude who can barely
speak English playing a Mid-western American. But
hey, at least The Punisher more than lives up to his
name here. Too bad it’s the audience he’s doing it to.
8. STEEL. (1997) Starring Shaquille
O'Neal.
Do I
even need to go into why this is on my list?
Anyway, featuring, Shaq (dear lord)
as “Steel”, a character developed for DC during the
Death of Superman storyline. However, bar Shaq’s real
life tattoo, this film has nothing to do with the Man of
Steel. In this version, Shaq is… a weapons designer?
Holy shit. I’ll let that sink in for a minute.
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Ok,
then. I don’t think I’m being cruel when I say that I
can’t imagine Shaq designing anything. Seriously, I just
can’t picture a 7 foot 300 pound
clumsy motherfucker exactly having the "light
touch" needed to develop complex machinery. Anyway,
Shaq eventually sees gang members using his weapons, and
decides to take a stand. So, he builds himself a suit of
armor to gain an edge? Huh. Some would think a hulking,
towering, muscle-bound black guy would be intimidating
enough. But I guess I was wrong. Soon 'Steel' is born,
and to say it’s comical is an understatement. Poor Steel
looks like Robo Cop’s severely brain damaged younger
brother with a mouth full of marbles. Anyway, the whole
thing kind of falls apart from there (imagine that). But
not before making fun of O’Neal’s real-life issues with
free throws!!!! Man, I hate when movies do this. It
seems like every movie starring an athlete ends up
somehow incorporating a sports trademark into the actual
film, regardless of out of place and ridiculous it is.
Hell, they even had the fucking Scorpion King giving
Rock-Bottoms in ancient Egypt for
Christ sakes. So of course Shaq
saves the day when he finally sinks a basket (so to
speak).
Oh ya,
for the record, the whole thing bombed. Like Hiroshima levels. It’s
funny when people find more credibility in
you as giant rapping Genie than an action star.
Poor Shaq.
7. Tie: DOUBLE DRAGON (1994)
Starring Scott Wolf from Party of Five and STREET
FIGHTER (1994) Starring Jean-Claude Van
Damme.
Dear
God in heaven. Most movies adapted from video games have
two things in common. 1) They almost always STINK and 2)
they always completely deviate from the storyline. These
two are no exception.
Double
Dragon stars Scott Wolf, who took time out from his busy
schedule of gently waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt
to be “ready” for intercourse (as was prevalent in all
teenage shows of the 90’s) and holding his struggling
family together on Party of Five, to playing one of the
Lee brothers here. The whole thing is built around the
somewhat estranged brothers each having a half of a
magical medallion, and wait for it…HAVING TO PUT THEIR DIFFERENCES
ASIDE AND WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THE MAGIC WORK AND
DEFEAT THE FORCES OF EVIL! It’s an exciting plot
that’s only been 
used a thousand times before. Throw
in the fact that the special effects used here make
The Power Rangers look like fucking Star Wars in
comparison, and you can understand my disdain. Even T-2 himself, Robert
Patrick, and Alyssa Milano in the tightest blue t-shirt
in creation couldn't save this abortion. Hell, they
even fucked up ABOBO, something that cannot be
fucked up. I mean, holy shit, how hard is it to find a
giant muscular bald dude with an unnaturally
huge head and a mustache? Shave off the skullet,
and The Hulkster may have fit the bill. Oh well. All I
know is, even the mystical magic of the re-combined
Double Dragon medallion, a power that can
apparently cause the destruction of all forces and
manners of evil, still couldn’t somehow utilize the
tiniest shred of KUNG-FU BLACK MAGIC
to cause me to somehow, someway, even remotely
give a
fuck.
Now
for Street Fighter. While Mortal Kombat (the original)
wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane, Citizen Kane with giant
anthropoid Kung-Fu human dragons, at least it
didn’t deviate that far from the video game canon.
Unlike this cinematic equivalent of being hot-boxed in a
truck-stop bathroom. First of all, Ryu (the main
character from the game) is pushed aside for Guile,
played by “thespian extraordinaire” Jean-Claude Van
Damme, whose acting is so wooden, he should be for sale
in an Amish furniture store. At least they could have
stayed true to form and given Jean Claude the impossibly
huge yellow high-top. Which at least, would give him a
real advantage in combat. While his foes are laughing at
his ridiculous head, it can give him just that much more
time to deliver a standing spin-kick while they just
stand there and don't even attempt to block. You know
like in EVERY FUCKING VAN DAMME MOVIE
EVER.
Anyway, instead of a tournament
setting, the “good guys” set off on a mission to stop M.
Bison’s tyranny. (Bison is played by the talented Raul
Julia, who died literally after making this movie. And
no, it wasn’t suicide. Although I can’t say I’d have
blamed him here).
The
whole thing of course ends up with yet another
phony-assed Van Damme martial arts showdown. God bless
Jean-Claude. Long before UFC completely exposed Karate,
Van Damme was here to somehow convince us that
possessing the ability to do the splits on two
stumps makes you an unbeatable martial-artist. “Oh
no! He’s hovering his balls in midair, precariously
balanced on two chairs! We should run away! Or not
even attempt to block his impending bullet-time wheel
kicks!" Meh.
6. SHEENA. (1984) Starring Tanya
Roberts (Charlie’s Angels, Donna’s mom on That 70’s
Show).
Hey, I
know it’s not adapted from a really famous comic, but
it’s on my list for stealing my life for two hours.
Hell, even the copious amounts of nudity were shameless.
So much so that I could barely repeatedly masturbate to
it! *ahem*.
Anyway, this movie HAS to be seen
to be believed. Starring Tanya Roberts, fresh off a
similar role in BEASTMASTER (a film where the namesake
character has a symbiotic link to animals after being
given birth to by a cow. Seriously. However they never
do explain if in fact this means his old man fucked a
cow. Not that I want to know...) and is now portraying
Sheena,
the young daughter of a white couple on Safari in
Africa, who die, and leave her to be raised by the
locals, most notably an African woman named Shaman. Yes,
Shaman.
In AFRICA. I think it’s
fairly safe to assume that the writers here never took
History or Geography. Next thing you know, they’ll write
a movie about an Indian chief named
Moliqua.
Fast
forward twenty years, and Sheena is suddenly able to
ride zebras (and not just horses with stripes just
painted on them! We swear!) bareback, and possessing the
ability to understand and communicate with animals; some
of which are miles away. This is of course a trait
that all Africans possess. Or not. I don't know.
All I do know is, get a few of these
fucking psychic Kenyan's to lull a few animals into
a false sense of security, and they finally can END
STARVATION in Africa for good!. Clearly, World Vision
really needs to move forward with this plan, rather than
unpacking countless boxes of Kraft dinner
from crates for the starving locals.
Yup.
So,
with that said, to make a (painfully) long story short,
a reporter played by Ted Wass, (the father on Blossom,
years before she would set down the path to frumpy
lesbianism) shows up, and this strange white skinned man
baffles Sheena. At one point, she notices his chest hair
and is marveled by it. Despite the fact that her
shimmering smooth body didn’t exactly get that way
without a little grooming herself (discounting the fact
Lady Bics are kind of hard to come by in the middle of
the fucking Serengeti). The whole climax as you’d
imagine, involves Sheena looking to a series of animals
to help stop the bad guys, while Ted Wass never
questions just how the fuck that’s possible, or better
yet, when a reputable plastic surgeon made his way to
Buttfuck Africa to give Sheena her obvious breast
implants.
5. SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993)
Starring Bob
Hoskins.
Long
before Bob Hoskins was selling an emotionally broken Jet
Li into human cock fighting, he was Mario Mario, one of
two plumbing brothers (along with John Leguizamo as
Luigi) who get sucked into a parallel world, where
humans are descended from lizards instead of primates,
laws of nature be damned.
Anyway, as one would expect,
adapting a story of two obese Italian plumbers who stomp
on turtles and mushrooms with eyes would be difficult as
far as believability is concerned, but still, a straight
adaptation would have ended up being more credible than
what we got. Thank God they’re plumbers, that’s all I
can say. At least they’re used to be surrounded by
unending shit. Much like myself after watching it.
And the shame is, it really wasn’t even about
Mario, the most iconic and celebrated character in
Nintendo history. Instead, it’s fucking Luigi who
gets the girl here. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when
I say that no one gives a fuck about Luigi (bar in Super
Mario 2 the game, where he was arguable the best
character, game-play wise.) In fact, if you were ever
Luigi in the game, it was likely only because your
asshole brother chose Mario first on two player mode.
But still, here’s Luigi, getting all the glory. Maybe
the poor hapless bastard has it coming after playing
second banana to Mario for 25 years, but still. To me,
Luigi ranks up high on the list of brothers who only
exist because of their more famous siblings, sandwiched
somewhere between Frank Stallone and Daniel
Baldwin.
Plot
wise, the movie wasn’t that much better. The whole thing
was built on Koopa (played by a very human Dennis
Hopper, who probably just thought he was a giant lizard
because of his years
of copious drug abuse) using a weapon that causes people
to de-evolve to a primitive state. No word on whether he
ever used it on George Bush. Although, it would explain
a few things. The Mario's of course end up
saving the day, and Mario gets to hook up with a
morbidly obese Puerto Rican woman while the
aforementioned Luigi gets the hotty, Daisy. Poor Mario.
If there was ever a time to hear that ‘your princess was
in another castle’, this was definitely it. All of a
sudden that non-moving lava is looking pretty fucking
good.
4. SUPERMAN 4: The Quest for
Bullshit Peace. (1987) Starring
Christopher Reeve.
Poor
Supes. This was actually the movie that single-handedly
destroyed the franchise for almost 20 years and would be
Reeve’s last appearance as the Man of Steel (and not
just because he kept getting his cape caught in his
chair). And here’s the reason why: Reeve would
apparently only do it if he himself got to write the
storyline. And what's that storyline, you ask?
Ridding the world of those darn nukes, of course! Yes
sir. Superman is now an environmental crusader~! And
sure, one could say “so what if someone launches Nukes?
Superman could easily catch them, or worst case
scenario, prevent tragedy by once again turning back
time by reversing the rotation of the Earth!” …which as
we all know, always turns back time, and doesn’t
suck everyone in the world up into a violent vortex and
fling them simultaneously into orbit. Wait, what were we
talking about? Oh ya. Superman disposing of Nuclear
weapons into the deep reaches of space. Too bad he
didn’t launch this script into the dark void as
well.
Anyway, out of all this, Lex Luthor
creates his own rival for Superman by harnessing "the
power of the sun". He then names the villain "Nuclear
Man". Huh. For a super genius, he sure doesn’t seem
to know fuck all about what "Nuclear" actually means. Oh
well. "Sun Man" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, I
guess.
From
there, things backfire, Superman has to thwart Nuclear
Man before he destroys the world, deposit Luthor back
into Prison, and orchestrate his next earth friendly
agenda: to responsibly recycle glass bottles and
newspapers! Stay tuned for this and more
in Superman 5: The Quest for Composting! "They're a
great people, Kal-El. If
they choose to be. They just lack the
light to show them how to properly separate
their plastics from their
papers".
3. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. (1987)
Starring Dolph
Lundgren.
Good
Ol’ Ivan Drago makes the list twice. But this time it
wasn’t entirely his fault. I doubt the producers here
had EVER even watched He-Man. But hey, as much
as I loved the old MOTU cartoon, I’ll even admit it
had a few flaws. I mean, Prince Adam
wasn’t exactly the best incognito costume ever. He was
basically the same muscle bound He-Man with a pudding
basin haircut, only he
wore a pink vest with a white undershirt. And yes, no one recognized
him. Sadly this doesn’t seem to work in real
life. Just the other day I put on a *completely
different* shirt and pair of pants, and strangely people
still recognized me! I must be doing it
wrong. Maybe if I had a sword.
Maybe.
All
kidding aside, this movie just didn’t even remotely
resemble He-Man in any shape or form. Also, it suffered
from my two least favorite adaptation pitfalls: a) It
introduces characters out of thin air that never existed
in the base material; and b) it takes place in the REAL
world. And by "Real World", I mean , our world, and not the MTV
series. Although, that would have been much better if
only for the jealously created by other house-mates. "I
hate that He-Man. He thinks he's better than all of us
just because he's got the power of
Grayskull.."
Anyway, this plot device, bringing
fantasy characters into our world, is something SO many
producers do. They feel as if we movie-goers just won’t
relate to a fantasy world without bringing real world
douche-bags into it. For the record, these ‘real world’
people in question include a very young pre-Friends
Courtney Cox. If only Chandler was in this,
too. It might have made it somewhat more bearable if
only to hear him utter to He-Man “Could your mullet BE anymore
ridiculous?”
The
story itself sees He-Man and the gang transported to
Earth, along with Skeletor and his minions Beast
Man and Evil
Lyn, the latter of which obviously never had a choice
but to go into the villain racket with a name like
that. They then all
fight over a device that opens inter-dimensional portals
through combinations of music. Dear God. Maybe they
should have just had fucking Man-at-Arms grab an
Accordion and hope for the best. He already
had the fucking polka mustache for
it.
And if
that’s all not bad enough, there’s really not
anything all that captivating about He-Man himself. His
sword possesses no magic, he’s not wearing his trademark
giant furry diaper, and Battle Cat (Eternia’s only
openly homosexual utility vehicle) is NOWHERE to be
seen. What a waste. Even Skeletor was a let down. And
sadly, the poor guy never really seemed to recover after
this one. (see here).
2. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
Starring George Clooney & Chris
O’Donnell.
In
just two movies, Joel Schumacher managed to accomplish
what Joker, The Penguin and the Riddler could not: He
completely destroyed Batman. And hey, as much as I like
rubber bat-suit nipples and extreme close ups of
Batman’s cock in his codpiece while “suiting up”, I just
can’t buy his “version” of the Caped Crusader. I think I
even remember the exact moment I lost faith in his
direction. It was in the preceding Batman Forever, where
BATMAN SHOWS UP
TO A FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTY. Call me crazy, but
Batman tends to lose a wee bit of his intimidation
edge when you know he’s just some asshole in a suit,
drinking Brandy Alexander's with a bunch of rich
douche-bags. "Tell us, Bats, what's your take on this
morning's NASDAQ? Pork-bellies or
Gold?".
With
that said, this was beyond bad, with more characters
haphazardly stuffed into the movie than fucking
circus clowns in a car. From Ah-nuld as Mr. Freeze
to Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, they were all here, and I
couldn’t give a shit. Hell, even Batgirl showed up (as
played by Alicia Silverstone). And hey, if an untrained
diminutive valley girl can kick your ass, I think
it’s time to find a new profession, because “arch
criminal” just ain’t for you. And of course, in truly
sappy fashion, Batman, Robin & Batgirl all join
forces in the end, and as a united FAMILY stop the bad
guys. They then go onto to form a traveling family folk
band. Ok, maybe not. But maybe they should. They’ve
already emasculated Batman enough already. Hey, there’s
another looming shot of his balls! What gives!?
Fucking Schumacher.
1. CATWOMAN. (2004) Starring Halle
Berry’s tits.
Ah,
Catwoman, the movie. Basically, it’s just your run of
the mill “fashion designer gets murdered by her boss
then strangely gains advanced martial arts ability and
superhuman cat-like reflexes” story. What, you’ve never
heard that one? Well there’s a reason. This Catwoman
stinks. In fact, it’s so mind-bogglingly terrible that
real cats would be compelled to bury it in the sand, if
you know what I mean.
To me
this is the prototype of a failed adaptation. Just who
the hell was this aimed at? Comic book fans? I don’t
think so. It strayed so far from the source material to
draw any of them. Young girls? I’d think the abysmal
bombing of Elektra and the 2nd Charlie’s Angels
proves that action is not a genre teenage girls
often care about. So if not them, then who? Halle
Berry
herself? Maybe. The fact the
base canon for Catwoman was so altered makes me
seriously wonder. The fact is, Catwoman was aimed at no
one and the box office proved it. Basically, the entire
marketing was based entirely around seeing Halle
Berry in a tiny rubber
suit. And for those of us who suffered through the
intolerable Swordfish and John Travolta's disturbing
hair-helmet, we already know there’s much better
source material for Halle
skin out
there, and believe me, I’ve donated enough DNA to
repopulate the Earth twenty times over after watching
them. (live with that
visual).
The
thing is, I’d probably accept (but never watch) this
film had it been called anything but Catwoman. Because
nothing was the same. Nothing. Murdered
fashion designers don’t come back as Vigilantes. If they
did, we’d be see Versace swinging from the roof tops
right now in a fucking domino
mask.
And
therein lays my entire point for doing this list in the
first place; if you’re going to adapt a movie, stick to
the story. If you want to improve it, tell the story
BETTER, don’t change it completely. The most successful
adaptations, (Spiderman for example) don’t tend to stray
too far from the source material. Hell, Peter Jackson
didn’t input Rock music, or have Frodo go through a
fucking time portal in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He
stuck to the material relatively closely and brought the
whole sweeping saga to life. That’s ALL the fans
ask for. But often the
movie-makers NEVER listen. Next thing you know,
they’ll remake “The Greatest Story Ever Told” and this
time, they'll have the Savior transported to modern
day New York
City. Jesus. (no pun
intended.).
Special mentions go to the
following films that just missed the cut:
BARBWIRE: Sure
Pamela Anderson has more plastic upstairs than the
entire first line of He-Man toys, but hey, who couldn't
get behind Pamela Anderson? Or more so, who hasn't? Her
nether regions probably look like a disheveled sleeping
bag by now.
THE HULK: Some
people loved it. Some people hated it. I’m kind of
indifferent to Ang Lee’s vision. But at least there was
no part where the father and son Hulks stop in mid-leap
to exchange some gravity defying mid-air karate.
JUDGE DREDD:
Sylvester Stallone is Da LAWR. He's the
Judge, Jury, and the Executioner. The last of which is a
sentence you wish he'd carry out on you after watching
this movie.
FLINTSTONES: I
wasn’t the biggest Flintstones fan when I was a kid,
mostly on the account that it seriously pissed me off
with the NERVE those household pets had in locking
Fred out of his own home, but who’s idea was it
casting Rosie O’Donnell as Betty Rubble? I
know dude's who had a thing for Betty, so this was
disturbing on multiple levels not related to being a
sick fuck who's attracted to cartoon characters.
Man. I can’t imagine the casting session here. “You
know what this movie needs to sell more tickets?
An Overweight dumpy lesbian who alienates
men. MAKE IT
HAPPEN."
SCOOBY-DOO:
Freddie Prinze Jr. in a fucking ascot dickie =
MONEY. And by “money” I mean the complete opposite
of that. In fact, I'm pretty sure they had to invent a
bizarro currency just to calculate the money this
shit-pile earned. Plus, come on. It’s been
thirty years. The bad guy’s wearing a mask. Holy
shit.
POPEYE:
Spinach gives him strength. Copious amounts of alcohol
likely gives him the courage to have sex with the
broomstick with a praying mantis head that is Shelly
Duvall as Olive Oil. It's no wonder his forearms are so
fucking huge. Yours would be too if you masturbated as
much as Popeye did to avoid getting the
urge to put his junk inside Olive Oil. Dear
God.
ALONE IN THE
DARK: Uwe Boll needs to die in a fire. Seriously.
Tara Reid as a brilliant Archeologist? Ya, I'll buy
that. Bitch somehow botched a New Year's countdown,
yet, she has the knowledge to remember every nuance of a
long dead Indian civilization? Priorities, baby.
Priorities.
DOOM: Mildly amusing if only
for the Rock’s mid-movie heel turn. But what of the poor
Marines? These guys are always so poorly represented in
movies where there’s a non-human threat. Why do they
even bother showing up? Man. They never fare well,
despite initially being represented as Earth's
best hope to eradicate the enemy. Yet, the untrained
humans are always the dudes who actually kill the
threat. But hey, keep bringing in those Marines! Maybe
this'll be the time they're not systematically
annihilated by an alien. Jesus. This shit is
as bad as the people who keep showing up
to the parties Angela Lansbury is attending on
Murder she wrote; you know, despite the fact someone
always dies
there.
MORTAL KOMBAT
ANNIHILATION: You’ll wish that Goro had won the
first tournament and the earth was obliterated after
watching this. Hell, this movie did what Shang Tsung
could not: drain you of the fledgling remainder of
your immortal
soul.
TOMB RAIDER:
Studios banked on movie goers paying to see Angelina
Jolie in a black unitard. It worked. She looked for
jewels. We fondled ours. It was a beautiful partnership
of adventure, masturbation, Fake British accents,
masturbation, mystic relics, and
masturbation.
SUPERMAN 3:
Richard Pryor makes Supes life miserable. You read that
right. Coming soon, Batman, featuring the combined comic
hijinks of Bobcat Goldthwait and fucking Carrot Top.
Carrot produces a pair of pants with a ball scoop sewn
into the crotch. Alfred helps Batman come up with a
serum that actual makes it
funny.
BATMAN
FOREVER: Two words: BAT NIPPLES. This movie was
built entirely around Batman's acquiring of
a sidekick and ward, Dick Grayson/Robin. In the
comics, Batman would actually go on to take in
several young men as his wards, which never seemed to
disturb anybody. I mean, a revolving door of
underage boys and an almost hermit-like rich guy
living in a mansion filled with gadgets and
toys? Hello? It's no wonder Robin was never allowed
to wear pants. It all makes sense now. Michael
Jackson was last seen purchasing a cape and
cowl.
Ok,
that's it. That's my list of can't hit prospects. In
time, I have no doubt , that this list much like my
waistline these days will increase in size. But until
then, see you at the movies! (unless it's
one directed by Uwe Boll. Did I mention he should
die in a fire?).
I’m
Sean.
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats
to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411
Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap and Lethal Wrestling. He has also
cured AIDS.
